Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Up early and then wat?
I woke up at 4 am and was done sleeping, but even after one cup of coffee I felt none of my usual enthusiasm. So, I had another cup of coffee, figuring that's what I needed, but it's not working very well. Instead, I feel very introspective and quiet and like I need to be very low key today and not undertake any major tasks. That's alright, because I did not have any planned and today I can just be a woman in an almost empty space with not much going on, except ruminating my own thoughts and keeping myself somewhat occupied with odd jobs. I find perfect comfort with that, and won't worry about it not being good enough to get me through the day. Sometimes it's good to be very quiet and let the silence speak for itself. I think I need that after the chaos of yesterday and the busy day I'll have tomorrow, because I have to go grocery shopping too, besides getting my hair cut and seeing my GP.
I don't mind these introspective, quiet times, because I don't associate them with a depressed feeling, more a suppressed feeling, but not to the point that I have no emotions at all, I just have fewer of them and they don't matter as much and I don't let them hurt me or worry me. I suppose it is a little bit like going in retreat and not being caught up in the details of life. Being aware, but not being upset or impassioned or otherwise greatly effected.
So it is in this dissociated mood that I sit here and drink my coffee and smoke my cigarettes in the silence of the morning. In a little while, I will go back to bed and sleep a few more hours, or I may sit on the sofa and stare into the middle distance and meditate about life and let my mind drift into nothingness. That's the nicest place to be. Silence can have such a good quality about it. It's when you literally think you hear nothing, although there probably is always some noise in the background that doesn't quite penetrate your mind or that you've learned to ignore.
It's a day on which you realize which things don't matter and which things you shouldn't get excited about. It would be good to have more days like that, but it's nice enough to have a day like that sometimes. If I were a true Buddhist, I would be able to meditate myself into a state of mind like this more often. I think that's what it's all about. I suppose my normal self is too stressed to be able to do it, though I should try it and see if it works.
That's really all I have to share with you this morning. I'm going to eat breakfast now and see where my path leads me next. There is a very good book to read and it had my name on it.