Friday, January 29, 2010

Where have I been?

I didn't realize it had been two days since I last posted until someone pointed it out to me. I have started many posts these past few days, only to delete them as being to depressing. I certainly don't want to write unless I can see the glass half full and not empty the way I have been seeing it lately. So, I will try it again and find some amount of optimism in myself and try to complete this to my satisfaction.

I haven't been doing a heck of a lot, but taking many naps on the sofa during which I have many interesting dreams. I don't do anything in between these naps, but maybe walk the dog or make myself a cup of coffee and smoke a cigarette. Then I lie down again and doze off. So I spend my day in an almost continuous state of sleep. I find it the most pleasant way to get through the day right now. It's a way to escape the unbearable heaviness of being awake.

Being awake means facing all the things I find myself incapable of doing. The things I absolutely don't have the energy for and the awful tiredness I feel constantly when I think about having to do these things. I seriously hope there's something wrong with me physically that can be put to rights with some medication, because I don't know what I'm going to do otherwise. I feel totally worn out.

Last night I went grocery shopping with my sister and it was almost more than I could bear. I felt like I had to run a marathon unprepared. When we arrived in the parking lot, I wanted to say to her to just take me home again, that I just couldn't do it. Regardless, I got all the shopping done and then faced unpacking it at home and putting everything away with a dread. It all got done one way or the other, but I don't want to go again until I feel better.

Something good happened yesterday too. Friend of the Bear sent me 8 books and they arrived yesterday. Yes, 8 books, under which A Room with a View, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie and The Birth of Venus by Sarah Dunant. Needless to say, this was a very welcome package and I couldn't wait to unwrap it and look at the books and give them a place on my bookcase. I think I will read A Room with a View first.

Now I will go to bed and try to get some more sleep. I'll see you all in the morning.



Gail said...

Oh, dear one, I knew you were not posting. I have missed you. I hope you are feeling better soon. We all go into a valley now and then. The nice thing to know is that we always climb out. My thoughts are with you.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Sounds like doing anything at all has been a strain the last couple of days. And I certainly know how that feels. Almost everything I do in life is something that I have forced myself to do.

But, despite feeling so low you have dealt with the shopping, walked the dog, looked after the animals and got a post up.

I hope you're feeling perkier very soon.

Bearfriend xx

Anonymous said...

I think the rest will do you good, mentally. Perhaps your brain needs to chill out for a while. But writing about it is always theraputic.

Walking the dog is a lovely treat to our wellbeing physically and mentally.

Take care, CJ xx

Twain12 said...

I hope you feel better soon too. Missed your post ♥

Wisewebwoman said...

Ah yes. Dear GSW, you made the effort too. Twins in spirit.
It goes up from here.

VioletSky said...

I missed you, too. I don't always comment, and it sometimes takes a day or two to catch up, but I notice when you are absent.
I have read all the books you listed and think you will thoroughly enjoy them.

At the moment, I have just enough energy to read...