Saturday, November 28, 2009

Outside it is raining...

I'll admit right from the start that I'm in a bit of a funk, so this may not become the most cheerful post I've ever written. I've just allowed a wave of memories to wash over me and that was triggered by an email of one of my blogger friends who unwittingly got me thinking about my past and this released a whole slew of images and thoughts and unresolved issues in my mind and a lot of sore feelings and regrets. They are all things that I have to learn to live with and that I normally keep at bay, but every once in a while there is an opening and it all comes bubbling to the top. Well, actually, it's more like a mini eruption and I realize what I walk around with still and how that never will be resolved, unless I go into therapy with my first ex-husband and have about 20 sessions with him in order for me to heal. Well, maybe that's exaggerating it a little bit, but it would be a lot of work, because there is so much sadness and resentment there. Then again, maybe there is so much there, that it would be like a huge destructive force that would destroy everything and maybe it's better if it's left alone and put away forever. Yet I wonder how much it influences my daily life and how it determines the things I do and say. I think maybe it makes a big impact.

Okay, I'm taking a deep breath and allowing myself to come back in the here and now. This is where I am and this is where I function. I have to do that to the best of my ability and make a success of it and not stumble and fumble and fall down too often. I have to remember to stay grounded and to not let the past immobilize me and render me paralyzed with its power over me. I've got a second chance to do it right and to show the world that I do know how to function well and that my head is screwed on straight and that I can take a beating and come up fighting. I was so cast down after the first time, so mortally wounded and so very much near death that I didn't think I was going to survive it. I didn't want to survive it for a long time. I kept on living because doing the opposite is very difficult, selfish as that sounds to people who cling to life. If I don't keep everything at bay, my death wish grows and I give up.

That's why I have to make the effort to come back to the period in time in which I am living now and to stay there and to always live in this moment, like a true Buddhist. To not look back and to not look too far ahead, but to be present now and here this very minute. Me, sitting here behind the computer, while the dog sleeps on his blanket and outside it is dark and it rains. That's where I find my peace. I hear the rain dripping down and I like the sound of it. I hope it will stop in a while, though, because I have to walk the dog one more time and neither one of us likes to go out in the rain.

Actually, it is very cozy in here with the lights on and the darkness outside. It makes me feel like when I was a child and everybody was home and we were gathered in the dining room, sitting around the table each doing various things that kept us occupied. My mother knitting, my father reading and my older sister and I making things with paper and crayons and glue. See, I do have some happy memories.

I've just fed the dog two slices of rye bread with grilled luncheon meat. He likes it very much. I've decided I'm not going to eat it myself anymore. It's too painful an experience for too little food. I'm left hungry and unable to eat more and all I can think about is food. This afternoon I had a bowl of porridge and it was so very satisfying that I'm still full from it. I will only need a glass of fruit juice before I go to bed, probably. When I think about eating a slice of rye bread with luncheon meat, I feel a terrible distaste and I put it off as long as I can, until I feel faint with hunger. I figured that was no good either.

I think it has stopped raining, so I will take out his majesty. He's been begging to go for a while now. In between begging, he falls sound asleep.

Sleep tight, have a good night.



Maggie May said...

A bowl of porridge and a glass of fruit juice is the perfect meal, so I have heard. The rye bread and the meat would be OK for another meal when the porridge has worn off. Too much to eat all at once.

It has been pouring all day. What is going on? I am thinking of building an ark!

Have a good night. I am cosy in my bright cherry dressing gown. ready for bed. X

Nuts in May

Gail said...

Sounds like you have a handle on things, good.

frazzledsugarplummum said...

Porridge is great...sticks to your grandfather used to tell me. Thanks for the reminder to attempt to live in the moment and not look too far ahead. Comes a time when you have to go forward...ready or not.

Cheryl said...

My Friend,
Staying in the present, in the now, is so important, as you learned in those DBT groups. It is not easy, but SO, SO critical. When I find myself alone and start going back to the bad memories, if I don't do something to break that cycle, I can end up, in a very, very dark and lonely place. You simple can't go there.

You don't have to prove anything to the world. Just to yourself, that you are a beautiful, strong woman, who has endured great sadness in your life, yet you have moved forward with courage and grace. You must discuss these feeling with your doctor and counselor so they can be face head on and not stuck deep within you where they can pop out at any time. You have so much courage, your so intelligent, you care so deeply for other people and you are also beautiful on inside, as well as the outside. I still think your book idea is a wonderful idea, with supports in place. Keep focusing on your many, many strengths because they far out weigh the negative stuff that pops up and makes you sa;;l Your not alone, never.

For the record, I love porridge; it is the perfect meal for me, especially when the rain sets in.I find it so comforting and filling. Good choice.

Take Care,

John M. Mora said...

my best - you pick such good photos...

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Well obviously there needs to be some outlet for those old memories where they can be dealt with in safety. So they are not bubbling away there and causing problems in your life today. I'm not sure if it will ever be possible to have counselling with your ex. It's more likely that you will have to come to some understanding about it all on your own (with a therapist etc as needed).

The thing is that other people will always be trying to justify why they behaved the way they did. It is painful for the one on the receiving end to talk about these things, but it is also painful for the one who inflicted the pain to admit that they did that. It took me a long time to realise that fact. It's why people get aggressive or defensive when confronted with the hurtful things they have done, and usually just completely deny their behaviour or try to excuse it in some way.

In the end, it is only our own comprehension of the past which counts. And which can enable us to feel better about it.

Even an apology from the other party cannot undo what happened in the past. But it is possible for you to transform those memories into something much less damaging to your psyche today.

I love the description of your cosiness indoors. And LOL at you feeding the dog the rye bread and luncheon meat! As long as you don't load the porridge with too much sugar it is not fattening. Have you tried honey?

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx