Today, on International Women's Day, it has been 25 years since my mother died. It doesn't seem to me like it has already been a quarter of a century since that shocking day, yet at the same time, it feels like it happened in another lifetime. I suppose in a way it did, because my life has certainly drastically changed since then in an unrecognizable way. But then again, I knew almost from the moment I heard that my mother had died, that my life would change and never be the same again. I just didn't know at that time what form it would take on and where it would all take place. Never, in my wildest dreams, could I have imagined any of the things that have happened since my mother died.
I don't think, if my mother had lived, that I would have taken the first very bold step that set into motion the series of events that eventually brought me here to this destination. I would not have been shocked out of my complacency and I would have gone on with my predestined life in the Californian suburbs. The circumstances of my mother's death were so extreme, that they could not help but cause a strong reaction on my part and that is indeed what happened. All the false fronts that I had put up, and all the misinformed things I had vainly believed in, stopped being true and I was faced with a different reality. My life became unhinged and I had to find a new one.
I, amongst others, became the casualty of my own misguided attempt at setting myself free. Other tragedies took place and it was as if we had all been in a terrible car wreck for which I was to blame. To deal with the extreme guilt that I felt, I made sure I was among the most extreme wounded and the last to recover, although one of us really did not survive.
A lot is said about a butterfly fluttering its wings in China and the chain of events that sets in motion. I can tell you that one deed can set off a chain of event that affects a whole family and changes the course of many lives in unimagined ways. Life is a journey that should take place without sudden screeching halts and derailments. One should not walk away from the scene of the accident, especially not after having pulled the emergency brake. Having said that, the act of forgiveness also counts for yourself.
3 comments:
Hindsight can certainly put things into their right places, I think. You can often see the patterns and the connections throughout your life, as painful a process as that can be (and I know you have had many painful life experiences). Still, all of that together has made you into the person you are today, and since you can't change the past, you just have to accept and love yourself as the good person you still are now and move on. It's really all anybody can do, isn't it?
I'm sure you have nothing to blame yourself about. No need to feel this way.
It's true that if a pebble is thrown into a pond, then the ripples reach far and wide affecting all who are in it's path.
You have grown as a person even though you suffered from the premature death of your mum.
You have reminded me that my father has been dead for thirty years now. I can't really get my head round that as it only seems like yesterday. yet....... I was in my forties then.
I heard this morning that it was woman's day.
Maggie x
Nuts in May
I am happy for you that staying put was your decision and to dress up your dwelling. I loved the pics on FB, I felt I was sitting there and having a cup of our favourite blend with you. I would make you cappuccinos.
It is extraordinary how one huge trauma can continue to shape our lives. Same for me. But not death as in your case but life for me.
Special hugs on this anniversary. I've never recovered from the death of my mother nearly 43 years ago now.
XO
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