Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I am not half the woman I used to be...

I don't know if I have a good enough excuse for it, but I am not going to the course for bipolar people anymore. I already told my psychiatrist yesterday that I might quit it, and by the time I came home, I had made up my mind for sure. After I made the phone call to let the secretary of the person in charge know that I was not going to be there for the next session, I felt a lot better than I have lately and like a load of stress had shifted off my shoulders.
 
The sessions were too intense for me and confronted me with myself and things of my past that I did not want to be confronted with. This had a major impact on my daily life and I was highly uncomfortable as a result, and that is an understatement. I also do not deal well with changes in my daily schedule and this course was too much of a change to it. It disrupted my life too much, especially because it took place in the afternoon when I do not perform at my best.
 
I think I like my life back to the dull roar that it is in which everything is predictable and in which I am not exposed to a lot of triggers. I still, in many ways, feel that I am suffering from a burn out and I don't deal well with lots of busyness. I can not cope with a heck of a lot of emotional input. Maybe that is just in my nature and the way I am put together and I will always be that way. It is possible that my life will always have to be lived on a low burner. That is okay, as long as I am aware of that.
 
I very much feel that I have to come to grips with who I am and I am trying to discover who that is exactly. My psychiatrist says that I worry about that too much and that I should leave that idea alone. Maybe he is right because I do work myself up into a tizzy sometimes.
 
No, I am not doing all that great right now and I have to try to find my equilibrium again. I feel as though I need to recover from an illness. I will have to wrap up myself in everything that is familiar and comfortable and heal myself.

4 comments:

Rob-bear said...

Sorry you are going through such a bad experience, Irene. While I suppose it is important to confront the demons in our lives, I know that can be way too demanding, and cause a lot of upset. Sometimes, dealing with bits and pieces of things is all one is able to do. Sometimes, I think that knowing how I got to where I am is less impotent then understanding how to live creatively where I am. (I trust that makes sense.) Take as much as you want at your speed. I think your plan are sensible, for you, right now.

Blessings and Bear hugs!

Wisewebwoman said...

I find life rather overwhelming at the moment too, Irene and am highly selective as to who I spend time with. I totally get what you are doing.

We need to feel safe, especially with old BD doing his pacing. I find past-thoughts can give me huge anxiety.

{{{{HUGS}}}}
XO
WWW

Connie Rose said...

Sorry things are being so rough right now. Sounds to me like you're experiencing some PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), also that you are an HSP (highly sensitive person). Once I realized I was/am an HSP, and that was only a couple years ago, so many things shifted into perspective for me, so many things that for many years I was unable to fully understand about myself. Check it out online for yourself.
Hope you're feeling better soon.
Much love, xoxo.

Connie Rose said...

Sorry things are being so rough right now. Sounds to me like you're experiencing some PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), also that you are an HSP (highly sensitive person). Once I realized I was/am an HSP, and that was only a couple years ago, so many things shifted into perspective for me, so many things that for many years I was unable to fully understand about myself. Check it out online for yourself.
Hope you're feeling better soon.
Much love, xoxo.