I don't know if I have a good enough excuse for it, but I am not going to the course for bipolar people anymore. I already told my psychiatrist yesterday that I might quit it, and by the time I came home, I had made up my mind for sure. After I made the phone call to let the secretary of the person in charge know that I was not going to be there for the next session, I felt a lot better than I have lately and like a load of stress had shifted off my shoulders.
The sessions were too intense for me and confronted me with myself and things of my past that I did not want to be confronted with. This had a major impact on my daily life and I was highly uncomfortable as a result, and that is an understatement. I also do not deal well with changes in my daily schedule and this course was too much of a change to it. It disrupted my life too much, especially because it took place in the afternoon when I do not perform at my best.
I think I like my life back to the dull roar that it is in which everything is predictable and in which I am not exposed to a lot of triggers. I still, in many ways, feel that I am suffering from a burn out and I don't deal well with lots of busyness. I can not cope with a heck of a lot of emotional input. Maybe that is just in my nature and the way I am put together and I will always be that way. It is possible that my life will always have to be lived on a low burner. That is okay, as long as I am aware of that.
I very much feel that I have to come to grips with who I am and I am trying to discover who that is exactly. My psychiatrist says that I worry about that too much and that I should leave that idea alone. Maybe he is right because I do work myself up into a tizzy sometimes.
No, I am not doing all that great right now and I have to try to find my equilibrium again. I feel as though I need to recover from an illness. I will have to wrap up myself in everything that is familiar and comfortable and heal myself.