As if I had not alluded to it before and had not been in danger of it, I have to tell you that I now officially have a burn out and that I have to take it easy for a while. It is not so serious that I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but one of my medications has been increased and I am going to be seeing my therapist more often. It was an accident waiting to happen and all the stress that I had been walking around with for quite a while, finally got to be too much and I could not deal with it anymore. I am emotionally worn out and did nothing but cry when I had my appointment with my therapist yesterday afternoon.
I felt like I ought to sit and cry like that a hundred more times about all the sad and traumatic things that have happened in my life as if I have never had the opportunity to do that. I really want to grieve and I think the stress from this past year and a half has made the need come to the surface. I have been trying to act like a tough broad, but I am actually not that tough. I act tough and like I am a cynic and eternally optimistic, but inside I am little and scared very often and I want a big shoulder to cry on.
Since I am surrounded by professional people, I have finally decided to take advantage of that and cry on their shoulders since they are made for it. This is not something I have allowed myself to do before because I was acting like I could handle things all by myself and that I should not be a complainer. I do not like people who whine about things. But then I realized that sometimes it is not whining but grieving about all the sad and painful events and that there comes a time when it needs to get done.
I have decided to, at least for now, eliminate all the stress from my life and to only allow in the more pleasant details and events. I am seriously going to draw my boundaries and protect myself from harm. That means I will have to stick up for myself, but I think I am capable of doing that.
I do have one ally at least, and that is my friend M. who, now that she is no longer manic, is turning out to be one heck of a supportive person who knows the meaning of giving and taking.