Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Sleep and no!

I slept for most of what was left yesterday afternoon and then the evening. Then I slept all through the night. Sleep is a great healer and allows you not to worry, because you are not aware of your thoughts and your anxieties. That Temazepam I took in the afternoon really helped me. I also took an extra Temazapam before I went to bed at night.

I feel that I need to write something incredibly upbeat now to offset the sad piece I wrote this yesterday, but I don't know if I can do it.

Let me explain something, though. The only reason that I am considering going to those activating classes is so that Social Services will leave me alone and not start making all sorts of demands on me because suddenly my time is not taken up anymore with therapy. I'm not going because I want to go there, because I haven't heard good things about it. I'm going because I feel that I have no other choice. From the people who go to these classes, I've yet to hear a good word about them. What I hear is negative. Which makes me all the more reluctant to go.

My instincts tell me it's a bad choice to go to these classes. That they are not for me and that I should be doing something else. The clinic where my SPN and psychiatrist work has set up its own therapy program. I think that is where I belong and that is where I want to go. It starts up in January and I will ask my SPN about it today.

I think I have to listen to my gut feelings about this and not ignore the strong feelings of distaste I have about those activating classes. If I have the feeling that I'm not going to be in a safe place there, then I should listen to that feeling and not ignore it.

That's what it all comes down to, plain old instincts. That's what I'm fighting. Now that I know this, I feel better and I know what my decision is and that is that I will not go to those activating classes. I will cancel my enrollment in them tomorrow. There...

...that decision has been made and it will take a bunch of elephants to pull me across the line again. I will go to my other classes as long as they last and I will finish all the projects I am working on, but I will not start up those other classes.

Now I can think of something else, namely that I'm sitting here freezing my buns off, so I have to rectify that situation at once by putting on my bathrobe and slippers. I had quite forgotten to do that...and it makes a heck of a lot of difference.

Oh, I think my dog wants to go out, so I guess I had better get dressed and take him. No rest for the wicked. He did just eat his breakfast.

This will be a short post then. Have a great day, I will try to do the same and report back to you after I see my SPN.



Gail said...

I understand. Have a wonderful day.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora.

First of all I'm really glad you slept all night. It's great that you know how to adjust your meds in a crisis like this. Goes back to being your own expert.

I suppose I'm not exactly clear why the new classes are so different. I know they are run by art teachers rather than therapists. Are they in a different place to the ones you already attend? I had thought that it would still be a very understanding supportive environment for you. But I don't know now if this is the case.

Presumably you know some of the people in those classes as they will have been through the same classes that you have been attending to date?

I don't really understand the term "activating"! What does it mean? Maybe it has something to do with people not feeling positive about those classes.

All in all I think you can only go with your intuition. I try to listen to my intuition when I can, but the diffculty is I'm sometimes not clear what is intuition and what is other things like fear.

Maybe it is just that you are not ready to move on to a different type of environment yet.

In the end, you need a way forward that will give you the support, social contact and creative activity you need. You have a strong feeling that this will not be achieved in these classes. And that is fair enough. I hope they'll find something else for you.

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

Maureen said...

I hope you find something you WANT to do, rather than feel you HAVE to do it. But remember, don't rely on other's opinions of things; you sometimes have to make up your own mind about it after trying it first.