Monday, November 02, 2009

The 550th post.

Today is my 550th post on Blogger. It also happens to be the day when I am a nervous wreck. I have taken extra tranquilizers to calm down, but I barely feel them work. I would like to take more and think I will. I've just taken a Temazepam and should feel it work in about 20 minutes.

I was okay at first when I woke up, but as the morning went by, I got more and more nervous, to the point where I was unable to function anymore, I shut the computer off at 6 o'clock and sat on the sofa and tried to figure out what to do. I had to take the dog for a walk, so I did that. Then I could only think about going back to bed and sleeping some more and not going to creative therapy. As a matter of fact, I didn't want to think about going anywhere at all.

I went back to bed and slept until 12:30, but when I woke up, I was still a nervous wreck and I called my SPN and told her so. She asked me why I was and I said it was because I was starting the new class on Wednesday and that this had me so intimidated that I didn't want to do anything at all anymore, but that I just wanted to stay home and never go anywhere again. We made an appointment for tomorrow and she told me in the meantime to arrange for someone to go to the new class with me, to make it less intimidating. I have been trying to arrange that, but I have been unable to get a hold of anyone at the clinic.

At this point, I want to quit all my classes and never go anywhere again at all. I am too scared and too worn out to do it any longer, to bring up the courage to do it. I would like to withdraw from public life and not participate in it anymore. It is too difficult for me. It's not supposed to be this difficult. I can only assume that I'm not cut out for it and that I will have to do without, because in reality I don't see myself participating in those new classes. I don't have a picture of myself doing it. I was just fooling myself all along in thinking I could do it and shoving my fears ahead of me where I could not see them, but now they are blatantly staring me in the face. More than anything, I want to be safe inside my apartment and not come out anymore, but to walk the dog.

At 1 pm the Exfactor called me and I asked him to please come over and do the groceries for me, which he did and for which I am very grateful. Now I won't have to go to the store. At 1:30 pm my friend Lucienne came by and was surprised to find me in my bathrobe. We had coffee and I explained my dilemma to her and she tried to get me to have a different look at it. Tried is the big word here. I don't know if anyone can change my mind at this point. All I see ahead of me is an unsurmountable situation and no way around it. Fear is in my heart.

I just got a hold of my head therapist at the clinic. She is going to go with me when I have to go to the new class Wednesday afternoon. I told her I want to be a hermit and she told me I could not be, that it would be very bad for me, but it seems like the most attractive thing to me right now. To never have to live up to anyone's expectations of me again.I worry so much about performing under pressure in a new group of people under new leadership. It all scares me to death.

I want you all to say to me, "It's okay, Irene, you don't have to do this, You can stay home and do your art there." But I know you're not going to. Just for that, I'm going to do some art here at home this afternoon, to prove that I can.

It's been one big lamentation. I can't help it, I need help. I am constantly on the verge of tears.



The Good Cook said...

Oh Nora... I hope you are feeling better. I don't have any words of wisdom or solace - only to let you know I am thinking of you - and hoping you find some peace around this.

Granny on the Web said...

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. I can't really offer much solace, but I have been in some dark places when I was younger, so I can empathise with you.

Love Granny

marc aurel said...

I look forward to the next 450 posts

John M. Mora said...

you have great taste in best - I am fighting off the flu in NYC - all fiuzzy headed and ditzy. Weak like bad thin coffee.
I never know how many post I have done since blogeer counts drafts I think....

Elaine said...

Of course you don't have to go! Why should anyone have to do anything at all if it makes them feel so terrible? So're off the hook. You are your own woman and you can do whatever you want - whatever it is that makes you feel happy.

But having said that, I know that tomorrow or the next day or the one after that, you won't be feeling like this at all. You'll be strong and independent and not at all scared and you'll be wondering why you got so worked up about it. In fact, you may even feel a little excited about the prospect.

Just go with the flow...feel what you want to feel...but with no pressure to make a decision about anything. No one is going to make you do anythng you don't feel able to do.

Be nice to yourself. xxx

Chic Mama said...

Firstly, wow 550!!! That's some achievement.

I'm so sorry I don't have any words of advice other than I hope you make it to the class. I'm sure you've tried lots of different things to overcome this. Don't think about it today, give yourself a break. Take care.

The Green Stone Woman said...

Chic Mama, I know, it's hard to find the right words when someone is hurting, but the fact that you left a comment helps, and I will try not to think about it too much today or tomorrow. Just enough to try to make some sense of it. Thank you!

The Green Stone Woman said...

Granny on the Web, thank you for your comment. Every little bit helps. You're offering me solace just by commenting, to let me know you are there. empathizing with me. That's very sweet of you. Thank you.

Wildernesschic said...

I feel for you I can only imagine how you feel I sometimes have slight fear of going out and bumping into people when I am low .. The only advice I can give is to indulge yourself for couple of says do nothing but to try ad set a goal in return .. that you will go out on..
I hope this passes xxx

Breakfast in California said...

I withdrew from my painting class today, so there may be something in the stars that's guiding us. This was supposed to be a studio class, but she spent half the time critiquing and the rest demonstrating, so we had to go home and paint. I could have stayed home and painted anyway.

Hang in there, you'll paint when you want to paint.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Congrats on your 550th post. An amazing achievement. The rate I'm going I'll be pensionable by the time I reach that number!

Really sorry you are so stressed about your new class. I think it is partly because you are doing so many classes right now - I think you said you are doing both sets of classes for a while. This is a lot of classes!

I'm glad you're getting someone to support you on Wed. It will help you push through that barrier. But you know that after the first session or two it will be just as normal to you as the classes you already do.

Just remember how confident you have been at the classes you have been doing and how much you have enjoyed them. The new classes will feel like that soon enough.

I went to see my healer today and I was SO worried about it and feeling like I would have to cancel all weekend and crying over it. But how silly I felt when I got to her place and it was all fine!

I know the fear seems to have taken over your entire being. I just hope you manage to get some sleep and that might "reset" you.

Hopefully your CPN can reassure you tomorrow. I just wish there was something I could do to help. I know exactly what it is like not to want to have to face the world ever again. That is where I have been the last 4 months.

Read the post I did today on seeing my healer (after not having seen her for months). It might help because you'll see that my fears were unfounded.

Thinking of you,
Bearfriend (((Hugs))) xx

Gail said...

Check your email,
Fellow TB Member

Anonymous said...

One day at a time. If you can get through today, your courage to face the world may be back tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. Listen to yourself, honour what you are feeling, but take it one day at a time. You can get past this low mood. You've done it before and you know that all of us out here think that you're worth it. Many cyber-hugs!

jeannette stgermain said...

Irene, you don't have to prove anything - you already have done that!! Now, relax my friend, and just take some steps back - take a deep breath, and hang on to the help your therapist is offering you (she's right, you know:) )

Bytheway, love that pic right above this blogpost. email changed to Jeannette(dot)Coevorden1(at)yahoo

Wow 550 posts!! How long have you been blogging?

Maureen said...

Congrats on 550!!!

And remember, baby steps. You'll get it all sorted out. This is temporary. Glad to hear you have so many sources of support.