Monday, November 02, 2009
The 550th post.
Today is my 550th post on Blogger. It also happens to be the day when I am a nervous wreck. I have taken extra tranquilizers to calm down, but I barely feel them work. I would like to take more and think I will. I've just taken a Temazepam and should feel it work in about 20 minutes.
I was okay at first when I woke up, but as the morning went by, I got more and more nervous, to the point where I was unable to function anymore, I shut the computer off at 6 o'clock and sat on the sofa and tried to figure out what to do. I had to take the dog for a walk, so I did that. Then I could only think about going back to bed and sleeping some more and not going to creative therapy. As a matter of fact, I didn't want to think about going anywhere at all.
I went back to bed and slept until 12:30, but when I woke up, I was still a nervous wreck and I called my SPN and told her so. She asked me why I was and I said it was because I was starting the new class on Wednesday and that this had me so intimidated that I didn't want to do anything at all anymore, but that I just wanted to stay home and never go anywhere again. We made an appointment for tomorrow and she told me in the meantime to arrange for someone to go to the new class with me, to make it less intimidating. I have been trying to arrange that, but I have been unable to get a hold of anyone at the clinic.
At this point, I want to quit all my classes and never go anywhere again at all. I am too scared and too worn out to do it any longer, to bring up the courage to do it. I would like to withdraw from public life and not participate in it anymore. It is too difficult for me. It's not supposed to be this difficult. I can only assume that I'm not cut out for it and that I will have to do without, because in reality I don't see myself participating in those new classes. I don't have a picture of myself doing it. I was just fooling myself all along in thinking I could do it and shoving my fears ahead of me where I could not see them, but now they are blatantly staring me in the face. More than anything, I want to be safe inside my apartment and not come out anymore, but to walk the dog.
At 1 pm the Exfactor called me and I asked him to please come over and do the groceries for me, which he did and for which I am very grateful. Now I won't have to go to the store. At 1:30 pm my friend Lucienne came by and was surprised to find me in my bathrobe. We had coffee and I explained my dilemma to her and she tried to get me to have a different look at it. Tried is the big word here. I don't know if anyone can change my mind at this point. All I see ahead of me is an unsurmountable situation and no way around it. Fear is in my heart.
I just got a hold of my head therapist at the clinic. She is going to go with me when I have to go to the new class Wednesday afternoon. I told her I want to be a hermit and she told me I could not be, that it would be very bad for me, but it seems like the most attractive thing to me right now. To never have to live up to anyone's expectations of me again.I worry so much about performing under pressure in a new group of people under new leadership. It all scares me to death.
I want you all to say to me, "It's okay, Irene, you don't have to do this, You can stay home and do your art there." But I know you're not going to. Just for that, I'm going to do some art here at home this afternoon, to prove that I can.
It's been one big lamentation. I can't help it, I need help. I am constantly on the verge of tears.