Friday, November 20, 2009
Taking it easy...
I feel just like my dog who is laying here on the floor beside me, completely relaxed and totally at ease. Partly that´s because I just took a Temazepam and I had to, because I was sound asleep on the sofa when both the dog and the alarm clock woke me up and that is a horrible way to wake up when you´re not ready to and I was an instant grump with evil thoughts. I had to take my medication and walk the dog before I even had a cup of coffee or a cigarette and in a stupor I put my jacket on and took the dog out. I thought unkind things while he piddled on every leaf of grass and was glad to be home again. Now I´ve come to my senses after I´ve had one cup of coffee and have the Temazepam work and I know that the dog is settled down for the evening and I don´t have to go out again. But boy, it was touch and go there for a while. Disaster was warded off just in time.
I always write these things half seriously, I hope you realize that. I dramatize everything just a little bit for the effect. Part of me feels the way I described, but another part of me is still in control and won´t let anything bad happen. It´s not like I am a mad, rampaging woman who has lost all control. I´d just like you to believe that I am, because a little part of me is and sometimes just for a while, that little part gets the upper hand before I´ve got her under control again. It´s my excuse for blatant failure. For when I do things that are so stupid, that they even surprise and embarrass me.
Well, I am a writer and I try to get the most out of my words. They all have to have meaning and none of them should go to waste. If I have to dramatize just a little bit to make things more lively and interesting, I will, and I will exaggerate my feelings and the effect they have on me to clearly get my point across. I must get through to you how complicated and disturbing my life sometimes gets and I can only do that by speaking strong language and using embellished words. I will never just simply state something, but always announce it with style and great importance.
When I say, that in a dysphoric mood, I´m an evil witch and capable of rebuilding the living room and hurting people´s feelings something awful, I´m only half joking, because I´ve done all of those things. Therefor, I´m highly suspicious of any dysphoric mood I find myself in and I know I can do great damage if I´m not careful and you don´t want to be at the receiving end of my ire when I am in such a mood. I am like the most wicked person you would not want to meet and I can be very ruthless and hurtful to the kindest people, because I will find something spiteful about them and ridicule them and topple them over with my sarcasm and anger. When I recognize that I am, I immediately call someone for help, but the thing to do is to take a strong tranquilizer and go to bed and sleep.
I am only exaggerating a little bit here and dramatize the facts just a little bit to let you know the impact of my unkindness. It is such a contradiction to how I usually am, that it is a quite surprising and shocking thing to have happen. Luckily, it doesn´t happen very often and only when I´m very unstable. When my mood fluctuates up and down a lot.
Then, of course, I have my manic moods, when I see everything in the brightest Kodak Technicolors and completely sharp edged. I exaggerate everything I describe then, because nothing I can say seems adequate enough to describe the experience. It´s a time of grand gestures and grand words. Of highfalutin language and the most poetic sentences.
Unfortunately, I seldom get really manic anymore. The real highs and lows seem to have left me and I now only have dips and bumps. I think that is because my life is relatively settled down now compared to how it used to be, although it may not look that way to you, who are an outsider looking in. I used to live in extremes and describe my life in extremes. No language was good enough really to express what I wanted to. The events themselves carried a lot of weight and excitement and I hardly needed to embellish.
Nowadays, when my life is often just such a dull roar, I need to make it sound as interesting as I can. I can take some drama and make it sound like a big drama, which to me it really is, but not to the outside world, maybe. I have a tendency to tragedize events to make them sound more painful and hurtful than they maybe really would be to other people, while I suffer under them as if I am carrying a cross. That must be part of my personality. I must be an actress beside being a writer. It has always been my secret ambition.
Well, so much for analyzing that. I´m going to get my pajamas on and get ready for bed. First I´ll watch some dumb television and eat something.
Have a good evening.