It is funny how your life grabs a hold of you and decides to keep you occupied with completely different things than you had been doing for the last little while. I find myself suddenly caring very much about what the apartment looks like down to the tiniest details and over the last three days or so I have been keeping myself busy with rearranging, reorganizing, de-cluttering, and redecorating. It is as if someone came by and gave me a kick in the rear end and said, "Get on with it woman!" It could also be an instinctive case of spring cleaning. Some primitive, hormonal female thing that got a hold of me.
Whatever it is, I welcome it with open arms because it feels good to go through the apartment and create order and give it the look that I am comfortable with. I would say that it now looks cozy modern, but it definitely has some touches of femininity in the more old fashioned interpretation of that word. I think maybe subconsciously, I am building a nest for the brood to return to. I wonder if the upcoming arrival of my first husband, the father of my children, has something to do with that?
I find myself now to be more like the woman I was some twenty years ago who is not afraid to tackle any kind of a job, even if it is a more technical one. I am a child of my father, after all, and I was raised to be very self sufficient and do whatever needed to be done myself. This self sufficient part of me had been missing all this time and I am glad that it is showing up again and that it validates my feeling of competence and pride. If there was one thing I disliked, it was feeling as though I was helpless and being in a relationship that enforced that idea.
My life seems to take place in a series of eras of twenty years time span and I now have had three of them, so I am ready for a new era to start. This is going to be an era of self sufficiency and competence in which I will again be an emancipated woman, but much wiser than the one I was before. I get to apply all the lessons I learned and benefit from the fact that I now am single and not needy. I really get to do this on my own like I ought to. I am free of whatever the hell remains of preconceived ideas I had about womanhood before.