I did some research online on the antidepressant that I started taking along with the one I was already on, and found out that in the US and Australia it is given as a complimentary antidepressant with the kind that I already take because they are of two different classes and work differently. It is given as a complimentary antidepressant when the more commonly used one doesn't work by itself well enough. So, instinctively I did the right thing and seem to have struck gold. I hope my psychiatrist is just as pleased about that when I see him today, although I am sure he will need some convincing, but the proof is in the pudding.
I am also seeing my therapist with whom I discuss the details of my daily life and I will have 45 minutes to do so. I am worrying ahead of time if that will be enough to tell her everything that I need to, but I am sure that once I get there, all the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place and the whole story will emerge. I guess I worry too much about delivering proof that I am learning my lesson and I really ought not to do that. I don't have to proof anything. I don't have to be the patient with the best success story. I don't always have to strive for perfection. Let's dump that idea here and now.
I had a better day yesterday and managed to not worry as much about things and spent less time in bed. I am becoming a bit more comfortable with who I am, but this is just one step in the long journey I have to go. I don't want to be overeager and say, "Eureka, I have seen the light!" In all things I want to be very restrained and keep my life on a very low burner, maybe forever if that is the way to survive best. I am better aware of how I don't want things to be and how I don't want to behave. I suppose I had to be badly burned for me to get that message well enough.
What really saves me, is that I have given myself until the end of May to deal with this situation and I don't have to have all the answers until that time. I suppose it hasn't really dawned on me what a luxury that is and that I should take full advantage of it. Guarding my boundaries is the most important thing I have to do and to keep reaffirming my attitude about that every time my resolve starts to weaken. I must not lose sight of what my most important objective is and that is to clearly define where my space is and at what point I allow other people to invade it.
2 comments:
And as the end of May looms closer, if you need to extend your self-imposed deadline, I hope you will do so, freely. Deadlines are meant to be pushed back if need be. xoxo
If necessary, take notes of the things you want to say and ask and then you will have a memo to help you stay on track.
You sound as though you are better than before.
Maggie x
Nuts in May
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