I did some research online on the antidepressant that I started taking along with the one I was already on, and found out that in the US and Australia it is given as a complimentary antidepressant with the kind that I already take because they are of two different classes and work differently. It is given as a complimentary antidepressant when the more commonly used one doesn't work by itself well enough. So, instinctively I did the right thing and seem to have struck gold. I hope my psychiatrist is just as pleased about that when I see him today, although I am sure he will need some convincing, but the proof is in the pudding.
I am also seeing my therapist with whom I discuss the details of my daily life and I will have 45 minutes to do so. I am worrying ahead of time if that will be enough to tell her everything that I need to, but I am sure that once I get there, all the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place and the whole story will emerge. I guess I worry too much about delivering proof that I am learning my lesson and I really ought not to do that. I don't have to proof anything. I don't have to be the patient with the best success story. I don't always have to strive for perfection. Let's dump that idea here and now.
I had a better day yesterday and managed to not worry as much about things and spent less time in bed. I am becoming a bit more comfortable with who I am, but this is just one step in the long journey I have to go. I don't want to be overeager and say, "Eureka, I have seen the light!" In all things I want to be very restrained and keep my life on a very low burner, maybe forever if that is the way to survive best. I am better aware of how I don't want things to be and how I don't want to behave. I suppose I had to be badly burned for me to get that message well enough.
What really saves me, is that I have given myself until the end of May to deal with this situation and I don't have to have all the answers until that time. I suppose it hasn't really dawned on me what a luxury that is and that I should take full advantage of it. Guarding my boundaries is the most important thing I have to do and to keep reaffirming my attitude about that every time my resolve starts to weaken. I must not lose sight of what my most important objective is and that is to clearly define where my space is and at what point I allow other people to invade it.