I am suffering again, or still, from a bad burn out and by this time, I am in bad shape. I am under orders to cancel most, if not all, the activities in my life and to rest and this is exactly what I have been doing. It wasn't as if I really had a choice because I found myself incapable of functioning in a normal way. Being up and about is very difficult because of the many monsters that attack my mind and all vie for a place in the spotlight, and the best place I can be is my bed, where I safely tuck myself away under the covers.
The worst time to be up is the first part of the day and I often find myself in tears because of pure frustration and all the problems that overwhelm me and I am unable to solve. The reason I can sit here now, is that later in the afternoon things get a bit better, but I have also had two tranquilizers and they have relaxed me a bit.
I keep taking on more than I can handle, and when you are me, that very quickly is too much. I am not someone who can have a variety of events and exposure to people happen in her life. That all has to be dosed very carefully and it is really best if hardly anything happens at all. I need to feel very safe.
There is to be no increase of any of my medicines, but rather an analysis of what I am struggling with and an attempt to come up with solutions. I have to very honestly think through each problem from the beginning to the end and decide what to do about it. I don't have to solve it all at once, but can take my time. Just having the awareness is good enough for now.
I am exhausted. I think I am suffering from a shortage of sleep and that is something I would like to do a lot of. I am also unhappy, but that is not surprising considering the circumstances.