Yesterday morning, after I had gone back to bed again with a glass of hot milk to finish sleeping, I woke up in a good mood and proceeded to have the most relaxed morning I have had in a long time. Being taken completely by surprise, I didn't do much more but sit in my chair and enjoy the feeling while it lasted because I thought it might be a temporary thing. I can't tell you how good this felt after all the struggles I went through with my very unstable and troubled mood and it was a joy to feel peace and quiet inside myself.
It did in the afternoon get a bit rougher, but not nearly as bad as it has been and I did not have to find my solace in the safety of the bedroom. I took a tranquilizer and read a book about mood disorders and how to deal with them, which of course is very appropriate right now. The good thing is that I was calm enough to be able to concentrate on what I was reading and understood the material and had it get through my thick skull. That was not possible until very recently.
I made a few changes in the living room to make my place in the armchair a bit more comfortable. I added a side table to the right side of my chair so that my coffee and cigarettes are easily available, even though that little table is somewhat in the way of the flow of traffic. I also moved a lamp so that it is easier for me to read in the evening. I had to move a plant stand in order to do so and it now is in a much less attractive spot, but I don't care. I am in it for the sake of my convenience. This is a time when I put my own needs central.
In the afternoon I was also able to carry on a long conversation on the phone with my sister so that we could get completely caught up. I had not been able to do this before, although I do have to say that afterward I had to take a full hour of rest to digest everything and let it settle down. Whenever I do any sort of chore, no matter how small, I have to rest for a while before I can move on to the next one and there is a definite limit to how much I can do in one day.
My sister and my niece (the daughter of my late sister) are the two people in the Netherlands who are very important to me and if I am going to expand any energy on anyone, it is on them. I won't waste my time and energy on anyone else. Contacts with other people will just be superficial.
I am very much aware not to try to solve my sister's and my niece's problems.