By the skin of my teeth

Oh boy, I thought I did not have enough coffee left to make even one cup and was much discouraged but I scraped the bottom out of the two glass jars and managed to make enough for what I think is three cups actually. I am now drinking the first one and am starting to feel much better and like a well functioning human being again. Am I lucky or what? Where there is cafeine, there is hope. 

This means that I will have to go to the supermarket first thing in the morning with my shopping list and not forget to buy two packages of coffee. I was supposed to have gone yesterday but felt discouraged by the cold weather. I do not think I will make that mistake again. I do not like to live that dangerously. Life without cafeine is not an undertaking I am willing to take on. 

Being in a good mood is always my aim in life and I see no reason not to be. I so dislike being grumpy that it upsets me and I will take whatever measure to stop being it. Knowing that it usually means fixing a cup of coffee sure puts my mind at ease. 

Today is one fo those Fridays again that I enjoy so much. It is a prelude to the weekend and I usually have enough things to do to make it an interesting day. It isn't one of those days that endlessly drags on and is just non-descript and in the middle of the week with hardly any purpose at all. 

I really must not say that because I do get things done in the middle of the week. And they do have a purpose. At the end of the week all things seem brighter and more lighthearted, though. As if they are a breeze to do and easily accomplished. I know that is all in my perception but it is a reflection of my reality. 

I have got my psychiatrist's blessings to go ahead with the hypno-therapy and he wishes me much success and wants to be kept up to date on the outcome. That is the kind of positive feedback I want to hear. It is kind of thrilling when people are rooting for you like all of you have been and I thank you for that very much. 

It can also be done the right way.

Food wise, I did very well yesterday and ate nothing but fruit and vegetables. My stomach is ever so much happier as a result and I am able to drink coffee without a problem. I am ever so grateful for that and am glad that I am seeing the results so quickly. 

I will go food shopping this morning and buy nothing but sensible and, for me, healthy foods. I am already looking forward to that.and I can not wait to buy the vegetables to make big pans of soup with. I am excited to see what is available right now. 

I had my first appointment with the hypno-therapist in the afternoon. I had looked on the map to see where his office was located and I thought it was pretty easy to find and that I would have no problem getting there. After I rode my bike over to where I thought I had to be, the street was non-existent and I was baffled. I rode around for about ten minutes and had to ask four people directions before I ended up in the right place and it was somewhere completely different than where I thought it was supposed to be. 

The first session went well although I was a bit nervous about it. I had to give him my reasons for smoking and  my reasons to quit and talk about my motivation to. We also delved a bit into my background which is never all that pleasant. He taught me an exercise with which I instantly relaxed the muscles in my shoulders and that I can do at home this week. We talked about my bipolarity and the effect quiting smoking can have on that. I will have to inform my psychiatrist that I am quiting. 

Next week Thursday is my official quiting day. I will not be allowed to smoke anymore from the moment I go to bed the night before and come to the appointment in the morning bringing whatever tobacco and cigarettes I have left. I will forfeit them right there and then some therapeutic exercises will take place and the actual hypno-therapy session. Afterwards, I should be an ex-smoker. I do actually have faith in that. 

Try this at home if you please.

The first cup of coffee that I had after I got up did not agree with me at all and I had to hang over the toilet for a bit. I think it is because I ate fish for dinner last night and that did not sit well in my stomach at all. I had already aniticipated that but it was an experiment to see if I was right about that or not. In an unpleasant way I found out once again that I have to stick to fruits and vegetables.

I drank a tall glass of Crystal Clear water and that settled my stomach down again and I was able to drink a cup of coffee after that which is good because I did need the cafeine and I feel ever so much more cheerful now. That certainly is my preferred state of mind and I really do not want to find myself in any other one. Temporary grumpiness is only tolerated for a very short time. 

The package that I had neglected to stay home for finally arrived yesterday afternoon but I was not curous enough to open it immediately and put it down on my bed to open later. I had forgotten what was in it and was not expecting all that much from it. When I finally got around to looking at what was inside of it, I found the most adorable top and I put it on right away with a pair of jeggings to match. It turns out that I do have good taste after all. 

I now have my wardrobe complete although I could use another pair of boots but they are expensive and I can not afford them. I have found out that I like boots with a bit of a heel and that these are very comfortable to wear besides adding a few inches to my height. I do like being even taller than I am and the next pair of boots will have higher heels also. I wish I could buy them quickly but I will have to be patient. It is a virtue after all.

I made a big pan of soup yesterday with the vegetables I had left in the refrigerator. There were enough of them left to make it interesting and filling and I had two bowls of it as soon as it was ready. I started a list on the white board of new vegetables I will have to buy to make more pans of soup that will be even tastier. Needless to say, the soup agrees with me very well. 

The Exfactor was here in the afternoon and I gave him the cumin seed cheese as well as several cuts of pork that I had and that I will not be eating. He was happy with them although at one time he was a vegetarian. I do not know what happened to that noble idea. I think the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. I think he has an indestructable stomach and a very fast metabolism. 

Today I am seeing the hypno-therapist for an intake meeting. I am not in the least nervous and full of good cheer. I have high hopes that this is going to work and already picture myself as a non-smoker. It is a big enough wish of me that I want to see it come true and I am financially very motivated.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. I am aiming for the top.

Black coffee also does it.

After sleeping for about four hours, I am up again and after a grunpy start am starting to feel a bit better. I did have to drink two cups of black coffee to get into this better frame of mind. For a while there I thought I was going to stay grumpy and never think a friendly thought again. It was a little premature of me to think it and I am doing much better now. I actually see the glass half full and can be my optimistic self again. That is my most natural way of being and I would hate to go through life any other way.

The reason that I am drinking black coffee is that I ran out of creamer and I think I am not going to buy any again. Although it made the coffee taste very nice, I do think that it really does not agree with my stomach so it is better if I do not use it. I again have come to the conclusion that it is better that I do not use dairy products. This is after also trying yoghurt and cheese. You can not say that I did not give it an honest try. 

I had to cancel my appointment with the dietician because I found out that he was not covered by my health insurance. Next year he will be in my insurance package again and I will go see him then.. That will give me ample time to figure out how I react to a dairy free diet that does include meat. I am not at all sure about the meat yet and it is only an experiment to eat it. I will try it for a while and if it also turns out to be a problem, I will eliminate it from my diet. 

I think it is time that I start making vegatable soups again because that is when I really did well health wise. I will have to go to the Turkish vegetable and fruit man and stock up on produce. It really is the most sensible thing to do and a very good way to get my vitanins in and eat healthy and without a care. I think I got off track somewhere along the line and I have to try and get back on it. I really do know enough about nutrition to make the right choices and at this point I am not making them. 

It is very pleasant to be up in the middle of the night and to get my head straightened out about these things. It is when I do my clearest reasoning. I could not come up with these straight answers during the day because I am too distracted by ordinary living then.  During the day is when I have to think about such mundane things as doing the dishes and the laundry and walking Tyke. I do not get a chance to examine my thoughts and motivations and excuses too deeply. 

Speaking of laundry, I do have a big enough load that I need to hang up to dry on the clothing rack in the bathroom. I was very virtuous yesterday and changed the bed and slept nicely between clean sheets. There is no greater pleasure but. I do have to buy a new duvet cover and pillow case and I will do so when I have saved enough money after I have quit smoking. I want to buy the good quality kind at my favorite department store. It will be a treat that I will not deny myself. And just think of the pleasure it will be to get into bed then. 

I have to go beack to bed because I need to sleep some more if I am going to function well in the morning. The sun also rises. I have nothing on my agenda and I will in a way have the day off. I am sure I will find ways to amuse myself and not be bored.

When you feel in the groove.

I just had a little power nap in my chair behind the computer because even though I thought I was awake enough, I was clearly not and had to shut my eyes for a couple of minutes. That sure did help and now I feel like a million bucks. especially because I am also having a cup of coffee with creamer in it to make it go down smoothly. What more could I wish for? I am having one of those perfect moments. 

I sure am happy that today is Monday again being subconsciously fed up with Sunday all along. I did enjoy watching the highlights of the football honor's division and that was probably the most fun I had all day. Oh yes, I did enjoy fixing dinner and subsequently eating it and sharing it with Tyke. I had made just enough food for the two of us so that there were no left overs and there was no temptation to eat too much. 

I went to the supermarket in the afternoon after I checked my bank account balance and found out I was still solvent. I bought some interesting and not too expensive cuts of meat and had one of those for dinner. Since I have the braising pan, I have been able to fix the meats right and turn them out tender. That does make all the difference in the world when your stomach has a tendency to protest.

Tyke discovered the recycle bag with empty plastic bottles and has been taking them out one by one all day. The most important thing has been to take the caps off them and then to crush them and subsequently tear the labels off. This means he shreds them and they got scattered around the whole living room. I have let him do this because it was such an enjoyable way for him to pass the time. It was like he discovered a new hobby. I did try to clean up the mess as he went along. 

Gandhi pretends she is oblivious of Tyke's activities and walks around the mess as if it is not there, It has absolutely nothing to do with her. She probably thinks he is a silly dog for making such a big deal out of it. She aims for the kitchen and her kibbles and that is her main concern. 

I have bought a delicious bottle of "home squeezed" juice that was on sale. It has the juice of several exotic fruits in it plus the pulp. I bought it as a treat for myself and am looking forward to drinking it straight from the bottle without pouring it into a glass first. I want to be perfectly decadent because it is a glass bottle. Normally this juice is too expensive to buy for me but I am always tempted. It is too bad that foods that are good for you are also the ones that cost the most. 

I have to go back to bed for a while. I have to sleep another forty winks. No doubt I will be more than ready to go when I get up again.

That certainly is nice.

Today I started taking dairy based creamer in my coffee again and that certainly has been a lovely experience. I had forgotten what a really good cup of coffee tasted like with it in it. I like it so much better than drinking it black and I feel that I have deprived myself of something very excellent all this time.

I started using the creamer at the café where Lucienne and I sat down to have a break from our shopping experience in the busy downtown area. There was a crowd but we had been smart and had gotten there a bit early before the real hord of people showed up.

We managed to get what I think was the last table available and gratefully sank down in the chairs with our packages and ordered coffees. It was nice to sit down and watch the crowd walk by and see the other customers put away enormous amounts of lunch for which we were not in the mood.

I had done all my Christmas shopping that I had left to do at one department store and had not paid attention to any of the prices when I picked out the items that I wanted so the final total had come as a bit of a shock and I was recuperating from that. My purchases did include the braising pan that I had planned to buy and it was exactly the one that I wanted.

It does seem that everything has gotten much more expensive and that there are no more good deals to be had, not even at my favorite department store. The quality is excellent but you do pay for it. There is no such thing as a bargain anymore. Peter will be mightily robbed to pay Paul these coming few weeks.

I do have to keep in mind that I will be quiting smoking and that I will be saving a lot of money in the very near future. That does give me hope for my financial picture.

I had bought more wrapping paper and had lots of fun wrapping up the presents in this for everyone. I can see where space is going to be at a premium in my suitcase and I will have to pack carefully. The wrapping paper is very delicate and a hole is easily punched it it. I had not bargained for that. I do wish they would not sell that kind and you can not tell ahead of time of it is.

I had a lovely dinner on my own that I shared only sparingly with Tyke feeling that I wanted the goodness of it mostly for myself. I do get a bit selfish like that but Tyke does not get a shortage of good food. Gandhi was nowhere around and I could not share the best morsels with her. Not that I minded eating those myself.

Sunday should be a lovely day on which I have nothing pressing planned. I did a load of laundry today and if it is dry by tomorrow, I will wash the sheets on my bed and put new ones on. It is supposed to be rainy and windy and I think this is the weather they have already had in England that will now be coming our way. We do not welcome it with open arms.

Sometimes things work out differently.

I am going shopping downtown today instead of yesterday because my friend Lucienne had to cancell at the last moment. I didn't mind because it gave me time to go grocery shopping and to go to the pharmacy to pick up the right dose of the medicine I am decreasing. Going shopping today downtown will be lots of fun, I am sure, because there will be a crowd to elbow through although I think it will be a good natured one. As long as we get to sit somewhere and have a cup of coffee, all will be well. 

I made a grocery list of foods I had not tried in a while and that I really felt like eating. Of course there were other things on it too because I was out of lemon tea and trash bags and more necessities. I picked up a couple of cuts of pork and a few different dairy products that looked appealing and also a good sized piece of cumin cheese to have on toast and a couple of loaves of bread. 

When I got home, and had put away the groceries, the first thing I did was eat some lemon yoghurt and it tasted fantastic. As a matter of fact, I had more than my share of it and was very full but oh so satisfied. Nothing really bad happened and I think that is because I assumed there would not. 

Halfway through the afternoon I had a couple of slices of toast with cumin cheese and they agreed with me very well also. I think it is because I am throwing caution to the wind that they did. I think maybe if I worry that food is going to bother me, it does. 

I had invited the Exfactor for dinner because he had made a long trip up north on his motorcycle to see his ailing brother and on the way back he hit some very foul weather. I thought there would be nothing better then to have a hot meal ready to eat when he got back. He first went home to change clothes because he had gotten wet down to the skin and was dripping and cold. 

I prepared some of the pork and let it slow cook for a long time to let it get very tender so it would be easy to digest. I really have to get a good braising pan and that is the next thing I will invest in because it is also good to make a roast in. I also made fried spiced potatoes and the Brussels sprouts that I had left in the crisp drawer of the refrigerator. 

We had a delicious meal that was appreciated by all and for a change even Gandhi came by to get her share of the meat. Now that I know she likes that, I will put aside a small portion of it always so she can have some enjoyment too. After we had eaten our fill, we had to take a pauze and let our food settle a bit before we could have dessert.

I think whatever gastro-intestinal problems I had are over now and that up to a certain point, I can eat pretty much as I want. I think stress had a lot to do with it even if I was not aware of being stressed but I did worry about what foods I ate and about there being something seriously wrong with me. Maybe a lot of it was psychosomatic after a while although at the outset it was not. I am going to continue to eat whatever I want and is smart to and assume the best. I will cancel the appointment with the dietician.

All is well that ends well and I think this is a story with a happy ending and I am oh so grateful. I do have to count my blessings because there always turn out to be more than I expect. Suddenly life is not so complicated at all. Woohoo!

Taking my chances.

My GP is sending me to a dietician because he doesn't think that anything but a food intolerance is the matter with me. It is just a question of finding out which one it is. As a result of that, and tired of trying to figure it out on my own, I have decided to start eating everything I want again and let the dietician work out the problem. I do not have enough knowledge to work this out on my own and will act like I can just eat whatever I please.

This morning I am going shopping again and I am going to buy things that I have not eaten for a long time and darn the consequences. I will try a variety of foods simply because I want to eat them and because any one else eats them too. That includes some meats and dairy products and whatever the heck looks good. 

Yesterday for dinner, I ate my food in stages. I had filet of fish and Brussels sprouts and fried spiced potatoes  with intervals in between and nothing too horrible happened. I had decided not to worry about it one bit and accept whatever happened and then nothing very much really did. Maybe I have been avoiding foods and worrying for nothing. 

Having made this decsion, I feel so much better and it has taken a lot of pressure off my shoulders. It caused too much stress having to worry about the foods I could or could not eat and to think there was something wrong with me. I am now going to act like nothing is. 

I look forward to shopping and looking at the foods I have been avoiding and totally neglecting to check out when I have been in the supermarket before. It will be like a whole new world opening up to me and I will be dazzled by the choices. You can not imagine the joy it will be to eat like an ordinary person.

Today I am also going to meet my friend Lucienne downtown to do some Christmas shopping. I think I will get all of mine done at one department store and that I will not have to go all over the place in one store and out the other. I have a pretty good idea what I want to get for the remainder of the presents that I have to buy. 

This week has gone by incredibly fast although I do not have the idea that I did an awful lot with it. It was not an especially action filled week. Time goes by quickly when you get older and I wish it were not so. 

I am going to be decreasing one of my medications that I had increased at the time of my sister's death. I feel that I do not need the increase anymore and it makes me a little flat emotionally. I am only going to decrease it with one milligram so the difference is not that great.  I do this with my psychiatrist's blessings because I checked with him first. It will be good to be a bit more animated.

Today the weekend really starts because the domestic help has been here yesterday and I like this new one very much. I did get lucky. As a result, Friday is a day off and I can spend it how I want and don't have to follow any kind of a schedule except for walking Tyke on time. If I get my chores done, then all is well.

I have to go and sleep a little longer. It is not quite morning yet.

The way the wind blows.

My second cup of coffee is waking me up and I am capable of stringing words into long sentences now. I slept a little later this morning because I went to bed late. The Exfactor and I went to see the movie Skyfall and it didn't end until after 11 pm. And what a movie it was, wow. I knew it was going to be good but it surpassed my expectations and what a wonderful cast it was. The action and the acting had me mesmerized form the beginning until the end and I felt truly satisfied when it was over.

We had the endive mash for dinner beforehand and it was somewhat of a success although the next time I will cook the endive for a little while before I mix it in with the potatoes. It was a little bit too raw and did not go as limp as I had expected. It is better when it is fried up again and more cooked as I did when I got home from the movie and found myself hungry. I had a platefull of it then and it tasted great and there is more left. 

This morning I have an appointment with my GP and I want to ask him why I have such trouble eating foods that are high in proteins because that seems to be the problem. I seem to do much better if I just stick to vegetables and fruit. Even fish and goat cheese and yoghurt are a problem if I am honest. I know that protein intolerance can exist as a result of liver problems and I think it is time that my liver functions are looked at because it has been a while.

Tyke was beyond happy when I got home last night until I accidentally stepped on his paw in the darkness of the hallway. He did yelp then and I felt so bad. He was so eager to greet me that he got underfoot. I very quickly made up for it and cuddled him for all it was worth until I thought I had done enough of that for him to have forgiven me. Sometimes I step on Gandhi too when we are both together in the kitchen or I threaten to trip over her when I get my legs twisted up around her small body. She is easy to overlook. 

I have got to walk Tyke and do the dishes that are still sitting there from last night. I never did get around to them. The domestic help is coming over today and I want to make sure I clean up the kitchen before she gets here. My friend Margo is also coming over and I have not seen her in a while so that will be nice. She is bringing over something good to eat with our tea and I hope it is something I can eat but it probably will not be and she will have to eat it all. I don't think she will mind that too much. 

Faux Pas.

I went grocery shopping yesterday morning and quite by accident bought "gatenkaas" instead of "geitenkaas," the first being made of cow milk and the latter of goat milk. By the time I found out, I was already toasting bread and had opened the package of cheese, and I decided to go ahead and eat it anyway. I felt like indulging and eating cheese because I had been looking forward to it so much.

It tasted very good, although it gave me a bit of a stomachache, and I ate quite a few pieces of toast with it because I am a glutton for punishment. As a result, all day long my intestinal system was very noisy, to say the least, and last night I had to make a quick run to the bathroom. 

So that again reminded me that no, I really can not eat cow milk products. It's fun and tasty to try them once in a while but the aftermath is something else and not worth it. I better stick to goat milk products and the next time I am sure I will not make that mistake again.

I bought brussels sprouts, endive, spinach, curly kale, carrots and potatoes and I will be making mashes with them. All the vegetables are fresh and packaged to keep in the crisp drawer of the refrigerator. The Exfactor, who is coming over for dinner tonight, will be getting endive mash because he asked for that one in particular. It will be my pleasure to make it. 

The endive is finely chopped and stirred uncooked through the hot mashed potatoes where it will go a bit limp making for a tasty dish. You are supposed to serve this with bacon cubes stirred through it and a good sausage but since I can't handle meat, I will not do that.

I bought the best bread from the "warm baker." It has different grains and sunflower seeds and it is a pure indulgenge to eat. It is almost a shame to share it with Tyke and he is still eating his own bread which is almost as good. He likes his new kibbles up to a point but still prefers his liverwurst sandwiches and who am I to deny him those? 

Gandhi is thriving since she stopped drinking milk and it must have been bad for her all along. She only drinks water now and has gained weight. She used to be such a skinny cat but now she looks much healthier. I think the fact that Tyke has stopped pestering her also helps because she can go anywhere now without him bothering her. His raging hormones were just too much for her.

I think all of us women can empathize with that.

Gathering speed.

You know I had stopped smoking for the occasion of my friend Judy coming here to stay with mer because she did not smoke and as a matter of fact was a bit asthmatic.I thought that was a really good reason to quit and the state of my finances really dictated it also because it has become too expensive a habit and as it is now, I am robbing Peter to pay Paul and barely keeping my head above water. 

So, I gave quitting a serious effort with the help of nicotine patches but I am sorry to say that I failed and ended up smoking under the fan of the kitchen stove and by the open kitchen window while Judy was here. This worked well enough to keep the apartment smoke free and solved that problem and made me smoke somewhat less. When she left, I went back to my old habit of smoking all over the place which I enjoyed very much.

Of course I was still stuck with the same problematic financial picture and this bothered me very much and I did a lot of wishful thinking about being a couple of hundred Euros richer every month to make my budget come out even. That was a big fantasy and I realized I could find the solution easily if I quit smoking but I knew not how. 

About twenty odd years ago I had done a hypno-therapy session with a psychologist to deal with something from my childhood that had worked very well. It turned out that I was very susceptible to hypnosis and that it definitely worked on me. I started to think about this and thought it might be the solution to my smoking problem and that I could be suggested out of my desire to smoke. I did have the believe that it would work and that it could be a success if done well by a competent person. 

I looked in the Business Section of the phone book under hypno-therapists and found one that sounded very promising and called him up. He took the time to explain to me how he went to work and what the general procedure was and made a competent impression on me. I made an appointment for an intake meeting for next week to discuss my general attitude about smoking and my general mental state and how I deal with stress. After that, there will be the actual hypno-therapy session which is called the quitting day and you are not allowed to smoke from the evening before that. 

I have a lot of confidence in this step I am taking and I think my head is in the right place about this too. I am very motivated and want to quit before I make my journey to go see my daughter when I will not be able to smoke at the airports or in the airplanes. At my daughters house, I would only be able to smoke on the patio and that would be very anti-social because I would constantly be sitting out there. I want to be free of the urge to smoke and be part of the group like just any other ordinary person. I do not want to be separate and alone out on the patio. 

Until my first meeting, I can put alot of thought into my smoking habits and into each cigarette I light up. Hopefully I can see it for the bad habit it is and nothing more. I do have a very good picture in my head of myself smoke free and it is very liberating in which I move freely through life because it will be like being set free from a prison.

That is my plan and my general arritude and I think I will do well. Today it will be a month from the day I leave for Texas and this is just the kind of project to undertake to fill my time along with the other things I have to do to keep me busy. It will be time well spent and I will be a better person for it.

Fastening my seatbelt.

Unfortunately, Tyke insisted on waking me up prematurely for reasons that are unclear to me but he was very insistent that I get up. I think maybe he felt a bit lonely and wanted some company because now he is sound asleep on the sofa. He does revert to puppy behavior every once in a while and thinks I am his mother who has to guard over him during the night. He can not just lie on the bed with me and have that be good enough. 

I have had some cups of coffee so I am alert enough but now I am very thristy and am about to drink some Crystal Clear mineral water which will be very cold and thirst quenching and is the best thing I have bought in a long time because it absolutely does not affect my delicate stomach. It makes me think that, except for the pleasure aforded by the caffeine, people should only drink ice cold water, although nicely flavored tea with sugar also tastes very good. 

This morning I packed up another big box with different containers of tea and spices and herbs that I wull not be using for a while. I kept out the ones I use all the time. These are just a few basic ones that are my staples and that I use every day. I had to stop packing the box on time because it was in danger of becoming too heavy to lift comfortably. 

The shelf system in the kitchen has become amazingly bare and so have the cabinets and they can stand a good washing out. I will have one of the domestic helps do that so she can fill her time here when there is not enough to do. I do regularly have to think of things to keep them occupied so they will make good use of their allotted time. 

It rained yesterday but when it was not coming down too hard I still walked Tyke although he did get wet and needed to be dried off with a towel when we got home. Fortunately, he enjoys this very much and stands very patiently while I do this. He is fur is frizzy as a result and he really does look like a cockapoo which I secretly still think he is. I wear the hood of my coat over my head so my hair merely gets flattened and not frizzy but it would not ayway being so very straight. 

I made brussels sprouts and potatoes mash for dinner and it tasted great and went down easy. It is something I had not made for a long time and it was a joy to eat. I can make this with all sorts of vegetables and I think I will. You are really supposed to make this with bacon cubes and sausage but since I do not eat them, I just fixed it with margarine and spices to jazz it up. I fixed the inevitable filet of fish with it for my protein intake and ate the mash in two sittings. I have to take about an hour's pause between the two helpings because of my gastric band. 

There was speed skating on televsion but I find that this year I am mostly very bored with it and it catches my attention only for small periods of time. I think it is something I used to watch when I had nothing better to do. It was on all afternoon and I turned the televsion on a few times to watch it for a little while and then shut if off again. Mostly I listened to the radio to get the stories behind the news and to become better informed. I find that I can have better conversations if I am. 

The two pair of jeans that I thought were a little bit too tight on me, now fit me perfectly after I tried them on on a whim. Ther are a little bit warmer to wear than the jeggings although they are not as flattering. When I wear the jeggings, my legs look very tall and skinny and less so when I wear the jeans. I suppose I am vain. 

I will now think about going back to bed being sufficiently tired again. There are forty winks ro catch and dreams to dream.

Conflicted interests.

I am sitting here somewhat drowsy because of the sleeping pill I took but I am unable to sleep so I got up again and am having a cup of strong coffee in order to be come alert again. I think it is starting to work a little because I am typing this with hardly making a mistake which is hard to do when your spell check doesn't work in English and it underlines every word in red. It thinks I am trying to write in Dutch and tries to give me alternative Dutch words which if I used them, would make this an unreadable text,

I should actually do that one day and see if any of you could make sense of it and that winner would win a photgraphic calender of Maastricht. If that is too difficult a task, I should think of another competition to challenge you with so you can win that calender. I will put my thinking cap on and try to come up with something. I will announce it on a later day some time next week. Get ready for it.

This morning I filled a big box with good dishes that I never use from the upper shelves of the kitchen cabinets. They are actually nice dishes and as I washed and dried them before I packed them away, I thought I should really have a cabinet with glass doors to display them in and maybe then I would use them more often and be interested in adding to them. I've got a theme so it would be nice to carry this on.

There were lots of other things on the top shelves that could be thrown away and I did and so reduced what had to be packed. It will be nice to start with a clean slate in the new apartment. What I did realize is that I seriously have to go on the hunt for little teaspoons and a sliver encased glass container to put them in. I am going to have to go to the recycle store to see if I can track these items down. Who knows what people get rid of? I may get lucky.

I found all sorts of tea in their original packages in nostalgic metal containers that I had forgotten the existence of and the tea smelled very good when I took the lids off. I am sure they are perfectly okay to use so I must try them soon. Some of them are loose tea and some of them are in tea bags. I saw some interesting flavors but I don't even remember how I came by them. Their acquisition is shrouded  in a distant past. I'm going to try some tonight before I go to bed as soon as I have finished my coffee.

I have a collection of wine glasses that I need to wash and pack and I will do that tomorrow morning. You would think I was a lush but these are legacies of the Exfactor. If anything, I can always have a group of people over for a wine tasting party. but it will have to be cheap wine with screw tops from the supermarket. If I have good hors-d'oeuvres, that should not matter. I am planning this for my upcoming life in Emmen where I know more people than I do here and where I will be entertaining more than I do now.

I have been sitting here for a while daydreaming about my future life in Emmen and all the things I need to do to get ready for it.  I hope the process does not take too long and that I move up the waiting list rapidly. I will move from the inactive list to the active one on January the first because from that point on I will be ready to move.

In the meantime, while daydreaming, I got done with my coffee and I am now making a pot of vanilla tea and I hope it is good for something like putting me to sleep. It smelled good enough and like it would calm me down but I am already pretty serene. I was tempted to try the rum tea but thought it might have disastrous consequences in combination with my sleeping pill. Maybe I am being over cautious.

I have turned into such a tea drinker but I have to have sugar in my tea. I do not find it as potable without. When I regularly am going to have company, I am going to buy sugarcubes because they will be easier to add than the sugar from the shaker which is highly unpredictable depending on how much sugar there is left in it. I will have to get sugar tongs and I may be able to find some silver or silver plated ones. 

I will also have to get an old fashioned sugarpot. One with two handles and a lid on it and I will have to try and get one to match my dishes. That will be a mission for me to go on. You see, I always have these missions to go on in my life. There is always something I have to track down but I do make a sport of it. 

The vanilla tea is very nice. I just poured a glass of it and despite all the sugar I put in it, the vanilla flavor is clearly discernible.  I feel like it is going to be a very soothing glass of tea or two or three.

I will slowly wind down now and start calling it a night.

So that is also possible!

For a change I slept eight hours all in one stretch. I did not believe the time it said it was on the alarm clock when I woke up so I checked my watch. I did not believe that time either and walked into the living room to look at the clock there and then I had to conclude that I really did sleep that many hours. As a result I feel very content and oh so proud of myself. It feels like a personal achievement and not something that happened because I was tired enough. 

It is not that I actually had that much of a busy, fun filled, adventurous day yesterday. It was a quite ordinary day by my standards. I finished packing the last items in the chest of drawers but I was done with that in no time at all. Since I had organized it not too long ago, it was actually not that much work to get cleaned up and packed this time.

The Exfactor got five moving boxes for me from the hardware store and today I can start packing the things that are in the kitchen cabinets that I will not be needing for a while. I will have to go around the apartment and find other items to fill the boxes up with because there will not be enough in the kitchen for five of them.

It is a good thing that I had a trial subscription to one of the newspapers for two weeks because now I have enough of them to pack the fragile things in and that was purely by chance but meant to be. It also got me a small book by Kafka and I am giving that to my daughter to practice her Dutch with. I am killing two flies with one blow. Who says fate is not in play here?

I got an early reader "Ot en Sien" book for my grandson to practice his Dutch with because it is the one I learned to read with when I was in elementary school. He also speaks flient German so it should not be too difficult for him to learn to read and speak Dutch. I am going to make it a point to speak as much Dutch as possible while I am in Texas.

I have a feeling that I will not be bored this weekend which was a bit of a problem last week when I walked around with my soul under my arm. Which reminds me of the saying, "All those who wander are not lost," and which I have printed on one of my T-shirts.

Drowning in sleep.

I am threatening to fall asleep above the keyboard as I was browsing through Facebook despite my very strong cup of coffee so I decided to do something more active and write this post instead. I will have to see what I make of it and if I can stay awake but my intention is to do exactly that and soon have another cup of coffee. No doubt I will be awake enough after a while and not be breaking out in cold sweats from the efoort. 

I don't even know if any of that made sense but bravely onward I continue. 

This morning I cleaned out the chest of drawers in the living room and threw away the things that I didn't want to pack in boxes and take with me to Emmen. What was then left over, I did pack and it is now completely done except for some music and video tapes that belong to the Exfactor and that probably need to be disposed of. I will let him make that decision. 

I am going to be packing things in the kitchen cabinets next that I won't be using and also disposing of things and I suppose I will fill a trash bag or two that eventually will be taken to the dump.  There will be nothing of value in them. This way I get ahead of myself as much as possible for when the time of the actual move arrives. 

I am already very organized so things aren't very difficult to do but it is good to have this final purge. The less I take with me to move, the better.

There is method to my madness. 

My closet is so organized that I can pack the summer clothes that I have left already and actually most of what is on the shelves. Not that it is that much after I had already purged it. It is very nice to face an at least half empty closet.

You can probably tell that I am excited about moving and it is one of the things I am looking forward to very much in the new year. It will be so nice to make a new start and to leave old memories behind. I never did like this life here very much although I can't say that I am on the run. I am well enough settled in but ready to leave it behind me. 

I have a serious case of the munchies and could eat a horse. I would like to eat something very decadent but I don't know if there is anything like it in the kitchen. I will have to go in search of it and if I find it, get a stomach ache. 

Another choice would be to go to bed and forget about the whole thing. That may be wiser.

That is also possible.

I am drinking a cup of mocha flavored coffee, a package of which I bought this morning when I shopped for groceries. I was going to buy regular ground coffee but I saw this instead. The package was a little smaller and a bit more expensive but I figured I was worth the treat. 

I am trying to decide if it was indeed worth it and I think that maybe it is not special enough. The coffee does taste nice but I think it does not taste special enough to repeat the experience at that expense. I do like regular ground coffee well enough and I do not really need a special flavored one unles it really makes a difference and this one does not. 

So that is another lesson learned and the next time I get coffee I will know what to choose and that is ordinary ground coffee from Douwe Egberts. That probably is what all the cafés serve and their coffee always tastes good. I suppose I will not be going to a Starbucks near me any time soon. I will bring two packages of ground coffee with me when I go to the States so I will not be deprived and go through withdrawal.

The grocery shopping was the usual good time it always is and I managed to stay right within my budget and that is because the fish was on sale. I didn't have to look at any of the other meats having decided that fish will be the only one I will eat from now on. I bought eight filets and the extra one will be for when the Exfactor eats dinner here when we go see the James Bond film. 

Besides goat cheese and goat yoghurt, I can't find amy other goat milk products at the supermarket. I am sure there must be more but I will have to try to find out where I can get them. They are a bit more expensive so I can not stock up on them the way I would with cow milk products but I do enjoy eating them and they are good for me and I do have to get my calcium in. 

I just bought two tickets for the James Bond film for Wednesday next week and printed them so we are all set. If I leave it up to the Exfactor, we will never go because he was supposed to take care of this and was very vague about it. He can pay me back the money it cost me and we will have dinner here first leisurely because the film does not start until 8:30 in the evening. I do like to solidify my plans and write them down in my agenda. 

I was walking through the living room this evening in the semi darkness and banged my knee into the edge of the coffee table because it is black and I did not see it. Right through my pants, I got a cut in my knee and it hurt and I said a bad word. My jeans are okay, there is nothing wrong with them, thank goodness. I am not normally that clumsy and I blame it on the fact that I was on my way to turn a light on. My intention was good. 

It is very easy to get caught up in the little details of life and to get bogged down in them and forget to be thrilled to pieces by the very fun things that are also constantly happening.  I have got a lot to be happy about and sometimes I forget all about it. I think that is when it is time to count my blessings. I will have to make an inventory and add them all up.  I am sure the good outweighs the bad. As a matter of fact, there is very little of the latter. 

Step up to the plate.

I had the stitches in my head removed by the doctor's assistant yesterday morrning and I did not feel a thing of it. It was a perfectly painless procedure and I walked out of there cheerfully with only some hair out of place. That wound has healed well and I can now almost comb my hair normally again. I have to be a little careful because of the scab. At least I can wash my hair without any problem and that is a relief because I do love clean hair. 

The Exfactor came over in the morning and we had a pot of tea which I am drinking more and more of. I have discovered that it is a natural diuretic and that it cleans your whole system. At least the kind of tea that I drink does.It is nice to drink tea when you have had your fill of coffee and I think the Exfactor appreciated it also. We have decided to go see the new James Bond movie next week providing I fix dinner beforehand. He did ask me to come for dinner at his house but I do not feel like riding my bike all the way over there in the dark. 

The dog food that I had ordered for Tyke arrived and I immediately put some in his bowl and much to my relief he ate all of it. I think this is so much better than sandwiches on whole grain bread with liverwurst, although he can still have those once in a while until the liverwurst is all gone. I am undecided if I am going to eat the bread myself and think I may just stick to whole grain breakfast cake which is very filling and nutritious and makes you regular. 

Another thing that was delivered was the eau de toilette by Bruno Banani and it came with three samples of other eaux de toilette. I immediately put some of the Bruno Banani on and smelled heavanly and like I wanted to be my own date. I do not regret buying that scent because the other perfume I had is just about gone and not nearly as good. I told the Exfactor about my love for good scents and he almost understood it but I do not think he realizes the importance of it to me. I think he likes the smell of motor oil. 

I did not do the groceries yesterday because of not wanting to go out in the cold on my bike and made do with what I had in the kitchen cabinets. I had spaghetti and stuffed myself. I did remember not to cook the spaghetti too long because this kind was done in no time at all. It was almost instant spaghetti. I had a pretty decent sauce from Tuscany and liked it almost as well as the fresh one I had the other day. Almost! I am very thirsty now and have had several glasses of mineral water already and want some more. No doubt that is from the bottled sauce which is probably too salty for my taste. 

I am going to start packing all the things in the cabinets and drawers that I do not need and use and in the process I will probably throw away a lot of things too.  I want to get a head start on moving. It will be nice to get organized ahead of time as much as possible. I think there are still things here that belong to the Exfactor that he may or may not be interested in. Either way, a decision will have to be made about them and I hope they can just be tossed out. I will gladly do it. Just give me a trash bag and the job will be done. 

The distractibility factor.

Sometimes it is difficult to keep your mind on the subject that you are trying to deal with. Blogger has decided to publish my blogs in a different lay out and when I try to remedy it, and am unable to, I keep getting distracted by other activities on which I also can not keep my mind. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I have not had enough coffee yet and that so far I only drank half a cup of a luke warm one. I am about to take care of that and am making a pot of new coffee. 

It always comes down to the fact that I don't function well unless I have had my caffeine and that this is a necessary ingredient to my daily beverage intake. Whatever else I may drink, no matter how many glasses of tea, sooner or later there has to be caffeine. And I don't care if you do say that there is caffeine in tea. It is just not the same thing. Apparently, it does not have the same medicinal amounts of it that coffee has. 

I could eat a horse and this is despite the tasty and copious dinner I had. Apparently, there has been enough time since I ate it and my metabolism does seem to have sped up. I genuinely get hungry. It is not like I just feel like eating something. Because I have to think about all the food I eat, I have to choose carefully and not take in any empty or destructive calories. The food really has to matter. I think I will eat a plum and a pear and see if that will make my stomach happy. I can not think of anything healthier.  

In another month and one week I will be going to see my daughter in Texas. Her father will be there at the same time as I will and the three of us will hopefully have a good time together. We do as a rule all get along well.  Our daughter is planning activities for us to do together because she will have the two weeks off that I will be there. One thing she has planned is a holiday party for all her friends in order that they can meet her parents. I am very much looking forward to this and will try to make her proud. I am already planning on what I am going to wear. I do want to look good. 

I am in the process of buying Christmas presents and of course will have to buy something for my ex too, although I have no idea yet what to get him. I will have to go downtown and really look around. I already have presents for my grandson and one present for my daughter and I know which other things I am going to get her. All I have to do is go to the right store and pick them up. I also still have to buy Christmas wrapping paper. I do want to do the job right. 

It is a lot of fun to get ready for this trip because I have lots of planning to do and the time until I leave will fly by. It is impossible not to be excited about it because I get to be with some of my favorite people. Hopefully this will start a tradition and we will do this more often. It would be something very special to look forward to every year.

I have completely recuperated from my distracted state of mind thanks to a delicious cup of coffee. I knew that would help. 

In the morning I have to go see the doctor's assistance who will take the stitches out of my head and then I will be able to comb my hair normally again. I am looking forward to that. The Exfactor will be by for coffee and I think I have to go grocery shopping again. The list on the white board in the kitchen has gotten long amazingly quickly. If only money grew on trees.

Feeling good is worth trying too.

I am really glad that it is Monday because I did not enjoy the weekend as well as I could have. I think there was too much unstructured time and I think this is not good for me. Although I try to stick to some sort of a schedule, I do notice that I waste a lot of time doing senseless things that don't matter and don't stick well enough to some sort of a program. I start to keep less regular hours and don't take my naps when I should and waste too much time behind the computer. I am alone too much too and really should arrange to see someone when the day lasts too long because I spend too much time in my own head. 

I had chicken to eat and I already suspected that it really did not agree with me but now I am sure. It made me sick to my stomach yesterday and I do not want to eat it again. Luckily, I have none left in the freezer and what is left over from dinner, I will give to Tyke. What really agrees with me, and never causes me any problems, is fish and from now on I am only going to eat it. Slowly but surely I am finding out what it is like not to have any gastro-intestinal problems at all and once you do, you do not want to settle for any at all again. 

I got some samples of expensive eaux de toilette in the mail and put one of them on the short jacket that I was wearing. It was Bruno Banani and the one I put on was called "Dangerous Man." It happened to be an eau de toilette for men but it smelled better than any perfume for women I had tried in a long time. It smelled exotically of wood and all afternoon long I was aware of it. I liked it so much that I looked it up on line to find out the price and ordered a small bottle of it that will be here by Tuesday. It actually turned out to be the least expensive one of the samples. 

I think scents for men are more potent and powerful than the ones for women because I could smell this one all day long. Usually, with perfumes, I stop smelling them after a while and eventually become totally unaware of them. 

Although I thought I had changed my mind about moving, I am going to go back to my home town anyway. I was only in doubt for a while and now know that it is where I really want to be. I suppose it is normal to have doubt and it really came about when my guest was here and I saw this town and all the special spots through her eyes. Now that she is gone, the spell is broken and I can be realistic again and know that this is not the place where I want to grow old.  I am excited about moving again and look forward to it. 

Luckily, I had not done anything to jeapordize my position on the housing front and I am still on the waiting list for the 55+ apartment. It is in a very green and spacious working class neighborhood and the apartment building sits on the edge of the forest, only the parking lot seperates it from the woods. In the neighborhood all sorts of environmetally friendly renovation is going on so all renewal is an improvement. Nature is very much taken into account.

Well, I have got to go sleep some more until the sun comes up. Today is bound to be a good day.

He would like that one.

I got a sample of a very good dog food in the mail yesterday and when I gave it to Tyke to eat, he ate all of it without a moment's hesitation. This did surprise me because he normally does not approach any kind of dog food that way. After he was done eating it, he looked around as if he wanted more. Unfortunately, there was none. 

The sample did come with two coupons for ten euros off each on bags of at least three kilos, so I went to the on line pet shop and ordered the first bag. I just hope that when it gets here, Tyke is as enthused about it as he was about the sample bacause it is expensive dog food. 

I am willing to pay the price if he wants to eat it and if it is good for him. There has been a problem trying to find food that he likes and that is healthy for him to eat. He is eating people food right now but I am sure that is not good for him in the long run.

I will have to keep my fingers crossed and hope it is a success. I am assuming that he will appreciate my efforts and be a grateful dog. 

I was up earlier tonight in the mistaken belief that I was awake. Nothing could have been further from the truth and I fell asleep sitting here behind the computer for a whole hour. Luckily, I had enough sense to go back to bed and finish the first portion of sleep for this night.

Instead of buying otange juice, which was a bit expensive, I bought non carbonated mineral water flavored with orange and manderin juice and I started drinking that yesterday evening. I did not know what to expect of it but it does taste good and it is a great thirst quencher and very kind to my stomach because it is a very neutral drink. I think it is better not to drink carbonated beverages because they don't agree with me so much and I think plain orange juice is too acid. .

I constantly have to try out things to eat and drink and find out which agree with me the most and how affordable they are so I do not shop over my budget. If Tyke likes this dog food, I can stop buying bread and margarine and liverwurst and save money that way and not be tempted to eat any of it myself. 

I am basically living on fruits and vegetables and chicken and fish. If I eat like that, I feel best and my gastro-intestinal  system gives me the least amount of problems.I did make the mistake of trying red cabbage with apples for dinner yesterday and I knew after two bites that it was. I had forgottem all about the apples and me not being able to eat them.

I also got a sample of a liquid tablet of a washing product in the mail and I did a load of laundry with that. Now, I am not going to claim that my clothes got cleaner because they never do get that dirty, but I do have to say that they smell very good and the whole bathroom did when I hung them up to dry. I do also use the fabric softener so they smell nice anyway but now they did especially so.

If manufacturers send samples out, they do get converts to their products if they are really good. All they have to do is prove it. I am more than willing to pay a little bit more money for a product that's worth it. I don't want to buy something that is inferior. Just try me out and I will see if I like it. 

I am not ready to go back to bed. I will do some chores instead because I am wide awake. I did have some coffee like I usually do but I think this alertness is completely due to myself. I will probably get sleepier toward dawn and crash then. Luckily, Tyke likes to sleep late.

That is also very good!

The film "To Rome with Love" was very well done and fun to watch and not overly American at all. It was uncomplicated and humorous and only a bit predictable. It made for a nice evening out with a good discussion at the end. And so we were pleasantly occupied for a couple of hours.

Dinner beforehand was nice too and I fixed the tilapia filets in the mictowave. They were quickly done and did not dry out and thanks to the special spices, tasted really good too. It is a better way to fix them than pan frying them and you don't have any of the work or the mess and the baking dish is easy to clean up too,

I had gotten a different brand of blended spices to sprinkle on the potatoes when I fried them in olive oil and liked them better but they did make me very thirsty. I will have to cook the potatoes with less salt. I had a bottle of ice cold water at the film house and drank a big glass of otange juice when I got home. Maybe it is silly to only order water but when it is ice cold and you are thitsry, it sure does go down easy. 

By trial and error I have found out not to have any condiments with my food at all, much as I like mayonaise and honey mustard with my potatoes and fish. I just have to eat them plain and enjoy them that way. My stomach goes in a terrible uproar if I do try to eat condiments and that is completely not worth it. The Exfactor simply does not like them so they are not on the table at all.

We have made a deal to go see a film twice a month if there are good ones worth seeing and I don't think that is going to be a problem because the film house usually has a good selection. I think I also want to go see the new James Bond film `Sky Fall` because it has gotten good reviews and the people who have gone to see it all like it a lot. It seems to have a story within a story and have some depth to it. 

I had to walk Tyke later in the evening than is usual but he did not like it and was easily spooked. Any sight and sound at all scared him and all he wanted to do was go home as quickly as possible. I was not scared myself so he did not pick it up from me. He must be afraid of things that go bump in the night. 

I managed to wash my hair carefully yesterday and not have the stitches in my head come undone. That area was a bit painful and I had to be careful when I dried my hair with the towel.  I combed my hair and tried to avoid the spot were the stitches were but at one time did comb over it and it was very unpleasant. The comb snagged and I thought I pulled a stitch out. Luckily, I did not and ended up with squeaky clean hair and that was something to be happy about. 

I have to go back to bed and sleep a little longer. It is Saturday and there is no need to rush. The weekends are still to relax in, after all.

The sweet smell of success.

The first cup of coffee I had this morning was a heated up one and it did not do a thing for me. I sat here waiting for my brain to start functioning properly and it just did not happen. Then I did what was the smart thing to do and made a pot of fresh coffee and that first cup is reviving me now. I will learn my lessons the hard way being both stubborn and Dutch. 

I may have made the claim here at one time that my medicines are not important but I sure do look forward to the time in the morning that I can take them and I wait eagerly for them to start working. When they do, thar sure takes a load of my mind and I am much more at ease. 

You see that I am chemically dependent on both my coffee and my medicines but I really don't mind. At least I know that there are legal substances that I can count on to set me straight amd I don't have to reach for alcohol or drugs and self medicate with them as so many people do. 

It is with some pleasure that I look forward to the day, in the first place because it is Friday and the last day of the work week. I am having the Exfactor over for dinner this evening and afterwards we will be going to the film house to see Woody Allen's film "To Rome with Love." I don't know why I did not see this one the first time around but now is as good a time as ever. 

I would like to go see a film once a week but the price of the tickets prohibits it. The Exfactor and I could take turns paying for them and then we would be able to go every other week and that might be the way to go. I will have to talk to him about it. The film house is subsidized and that makes the tickets more afforfable.

I feel like eating something very decadent and that must be because it is early in the morning and my stomach is empty. I will have to eat some fruit because I have enough of that although I would not call that decadent. It will be the thing that will agree with me the most. I really feel like eating a plate full of hash browns but that will have to wait until I am in the States where they know how to fix them right. 

I will go baxk to bed to sleep some more because it is not nearly time to start the day. As is usual, I got up prematurely.

When you do better than well.

After much procrastinating, I did get around to doing the groceries this morning, and once I got to the store, I spent a lot of time there and read labels and chose each item with care. I must have been inside for an hour and the amount of groceries that I ended up getting did not warrant that amount of time. I think half of the time I was with my head in the clouds contemplating groceries that the store should have had but did not carry and that I looked for futily. 

I did discover sheep cheese but was not adventurous enough to want to try it and stuck with yoghurt made from goat milk instead. I was already glad enough that I found that. I do wish there were more alternatives to products made from cow milk and I can't try those made from soy beans. Besides, those are against my principles. Huge swatches of jungle are wiped away to make room for soy bean plantations and I do not want to be a participant in that money making scheme. 

I bought three kinds of fruit that were relatively affordable and filled a big bowl with them that is sitting on the kitchen counter. It is my intention to eat this in the morning for breakfast but not all at once. It will take me a while to eat three pieces of fruit and I will have to take a time out between each piece. Tyke is very much interested in the pears and thinks he can eat a whole one which I won't let him. They are too precious for that.

Instead of buying orange juice, which is rather expensive, I bought juice flavored mineral water and made darn sure there was no apple juice in it. I had brought my glasses to the store so I would be able to read the labels. Apple juice gets snuck into any kind of mixed juice or drink possible because it is relatively cheap so don't believe all those adds about apple juice being good for your toddler.

I am drinking coffee right now because I love the way it makes me feel and I get an enormous kick out of it. The new coffeemaker is ever so much better than the old one and it is a pleasure to make coffee in it. I will make sure that I run a bottle of cleaning vinegar through it on time. I think I have found the right proportions of ground coffee and water but I have claimed that in the past and changed my mind so I may do so again.

I am going to reitterate my claim that you should always buy quality products if you want to take the aggrevation out of your life and be kind to yourself. That old coffeemaker cost ten euros and always was a pain in the neck. 

I got a birth announcement in the mail today from the domestic help who I used to have on Mondays. She had a baby boy a little on the small side but then she had told me that her other boys were too. As far as I know, this baby was carried full term because I seem to remember that he was due right around this time. I will have to get a gift and mail it to her. I don't think she is coming back to be my domestic help because I just got another regular one. 

I have got to eat a plum now and I will have to do that at the table with a napkin because they are juicy and I will see what Tyke thinks about it. No doubt he will think it is wonderful even if he really does not like it. He will think so simply because I am eating it. 

It ain't easy being green.

Only a tiny bit of hair was removed from the spot where the cyst was cut away from my head so I don't look totally ridiculous. Most of the rest of my hair covers it and it is only when I am outside and the wind blows on it that the stitches are visible.My hair got flattened a bit from wearing the bandage and it would be nice if I could wash it and get some bounce back in it but unfortunately, I am not allowed to do that yet. 

It turned out that what I thought was a bump on my head where the stitches were, was actually a piece of wadded up gauze and I need not have worried at all. But at least that bandage was removed and I was glad about that because it was as low as my eyebrows and made me look sinister. 

I have got to keep my fingers away from that spot now although it itches and there is the temptation to scratch. But I don't want it to become infected and am trying my best not to touch it at all. 

Just as I have to accept that my mood has changed, I have to accept that I am up during the night for some amount of time. You would think that I had gotten used to that by now but I suppose that I was expecting differently with the change of my mood. I had hoped that I would sleep through the night and not wake up until the morning and be well rested. 

Instead of that, I find myself sitting here again passing the wee hours of the night in the darkness and silence making the most of it. The comfort is that I know I will go back to bed some time in the very early morning and sleep a few more hours and the nice thing is that I will take my medicines before I go back to bed so that I will be in great shape when I get up again. 

Yesterday, I made do with what was in the kitchen cabinets and the refrigerator and didn't go to the grocery store at all. I thought it was too cold to get on my bike and brave the weather. There was a cold wind blowing and I was just not in the mood for it. That means that I will have to go today because I have exhausted the supplies and there are only so many ways you can make spaghetti. 

I did a lousy job with my diet yesterday and suffered the consequences so I am going to have to do better today. Something came over me and I totally blew it. Not having the right foods at hand probably did not help either.

I will take my medicines and go back to bed now and hope for some wonderful sleep. I would like to sleep for at least four more hours but that may be so much wishful thinking. Tyke has done a piddle out back and should be okay for the next while. I have got to think about how comfortable my bed and my pillow and duvet are.

Manic depression.

The whole trick of living with manic depression is that you must always be willing to live with whatever longer term mood you find yourself in. It doesn't do any good to try and hold on to the one that you have been in for the past half year when your body decides that it is time for another one. You best give in and go along with it and you will find that the way of the least resistance is best. It is actually like falling into a fluffely made bed. 

I wasn't at first sure if my mood was changing for the longer term. At first I thought that there was just something wrong that I had not settled properly and that I needed to deal with. There usually is and having done that, I was ready to get on with things. But today I realized that my mood had changed just like the weather and the season had and that I needed to adjust myself to this changed mood and I have.

This has not at all been a painful thing to do and I am not in the least suffering because of it. I can embrace this new mood and find out how I function with it and how it makes me fill in my days. I had already noticed that I had more need for sleep so I took care of that by taking an extra nap during the day. I am also just a tad less energetic but it isn't really that noticeable and someone else may not be able to tell at all. I feel it like a bit of laziness that has krept into me. 

I would call neither one of my extremes of moods manic ot depressive at this point. They are too agreeable for that. Because of my own attitude, and I'm sure also because of the medication, I don't do a lot of suffering anymore. The days of the roller coaster rides are well behind me and I function quite normally now. I am better put together than a lot of other people I know. 

I don't mind functioning in a lower gear and I am sure that there is no one in my environment who is going to object. That is also the nice thing about living alone with only the animals. I don't have to take anyone else into account and can move at my own pace on my own sxhedule. 

The important thing is to make no judgments about myself and to let me be completely who I am now. There is no good or bad. There is only other. 

With a bandaged head.

I am sitting here with a bandage wrapped around my head which does not make me look very fashionable but it is all for a good cause so I think I will put up with it for now and leave it on for as long as is necessary. Judging by the swelling on my head that I feel beneath it, it is going to be there longer than we anticipated. I will have to call the doctor's office and find out what they think of it. At this point I'm not willing to take it off by the time I am supposed to. 

I had the cyst cut out that was infected beneath the skin on my head yesterday afternoon and because it was such a large one, it took five shots of novocaine to numb the area where it was located. Four shots all around it and one on top of it. I was very brave an did not blink an eye. When it was finally removed, it turned out to be quite a large one with a baby one attached and the doctor showed it to me at my request. It was quite an amazing thing to see.

Four or five stitches were put in and I won't be able to wash my hair for a while because I have to keep that area dry. Lickily I had washed my hair that morning so I won't have to for some days. It was my major adventure for the day and now that the numbness has worn off, it does hurt a bit but more than anything I have a terrible urge to scratch that spot. You can be sure that I won't do that. 

I stopped eating wheat yesterday because I thought it, beside the peanut butter, might be partly the cause of my intestinal problems. I think I will stick with chicken and fish and fruits and vegetables for my diet and goat cheese or some product like it once a week. How is that for a diet? I will be the healthiest person on the block, I am not even sure if I can eat the chicken because it does seem difficult to get down but that may be because of my gastric band and not being able to chew the pieces small enough. I will concentrate on fish for a while and see how that goes. 

The Exfactor and I are going to see that Woody Allen film on Friday evening and we will have dinner here first. That will make the logstics of meeting up on time easier and make sure we both have a full stomach before we go to the film theater so we won't be tempted to eat grilled cheese sandwiches there which cost an arm and a leg. I can also order the tickets on line and print them here at home. Yes, the wonders of modern technology. never cease.

I have got to do the grocery shopping in the morning and already have a list started on the white board. No doubt more items will be added to it. Shopping seems to have turned into a hobby of mine besides being a very necessary task now that I take my diet so seriously.. I feel real hunger when I get ready to fix dinner in the evening. It is not just wanting to eat but having to eat. I drink a cup of coffee to keep my stomach occupied until the food is ready.  

Being hungry does have the tendency to make me want to fix too much food but Tyke helps me eat it. I also must remember to never go to the grocery store hungry and to stick to the list. There is too much temptation otherwise. 

I will go finish sleeping now. The night is not over yet.

Forget the forget me nots.

I had started to eat peanut butter sandwiches although I knew I had a bit of a problem with them and yesterday, when I sat in my armchair and looked at my very round bloated stomach, I decided that was enough of that and got up and threw the half empty jar in the trash bag. No matter how much I like peanut butter, it is not worth looking six months pregnant for. 

I couldn't have given the peanut butter to the Exfactor because he has never learned to like it. That must be because of some incident in his childhood, I can't explain it any other way because which child does not like peanut butter? 

I did discover that very ripe and soft pears agree with me very well which means that I will get more of them the next time I go shopping. My guest had bought them and left them behind and I very gladly ate one of them for dessert last night. It was so juicy that a piece of it slipped out of my fingers and landed on the ground much to Tyke's delight who ate it greedily. Pears, as opposed to apples, do not upset my stomach. 

The Exfactor was here for dinner and I managed to cook the trout properly with their heads attached although they hardly fit into the pan. I thought they tasted okay but I prefer salmon which has a much more interesting flavor. I also made baby peas and spicy fried potatoes and everything turned out well. We did justice to the food and the Exfactor did justice to the bottle of Pinot Noir. 

I had a domestic help in the afternoon who I think will be more or less permanent and I am glad about that because the fun of having someone new show up every time is just about beginning to wear off. This one I have had three times now and she does a good job. She washed the windows and they are very clean and have no streaks which is always a miracle and something I can't manage myself. .I do appreciate it when it is done well.

I have had more of a need for sleep and I will blame that on the time of year. It is not that my mood is low, not at all. It is that I genuinely feel the need to take a long nap in the afternoon and can hardly keep my eyes open. I even try drinking cups of coffee to make me alert but they don't help and only seem to make me sleepier.

Woody Allen's film "To Rome with Love" is playing in the filmhouse on Friday evening. I want to go see it and I will ask the Exfactor if he wants to come. It's more fun than going by myself and he doesn't fall asleep halfway through the movie.

Don't do anything without a reason.

After my guest was gone, I stripped both beds of their used sheets and stole both pillows from the guest bed, and after putting clean pillow cases on them, made them my own. They were both so soft and chunky that I was only able to sleep on one of them and had to put the other one to the side. It was a very comfortable one that I slept on and for a change I didn't have a kink in my neck. I do think this is the solution to a better night's sleep. Not that I sleep longer, but I do sleep better and that is half the battle. 

For dinner I ate both the pieces of chicken that I had first frozen and then defrosted together. Of course it was too much food and I couldn't eat anything else and had an enormously full stomach afterwards even with Tyke's help in eating them. I must never try to eat a portion of food that is meant for two people. I do still have two trout frozen together but I have convinced myself that I will be able to deal with them in one sitting if I don't eat anything else. 

I may also ask the Exfactor to come have dinner with me because I  have most of a bottle of a good Pinot Noir left over and I will never drink it myself. Now that I think of it, that will be the best solution to take care of both the trout and the wine. I am glad I thought of it with your help. You are my sounding board after all.

Having the time and space of my own again, I did nothing of real significance but luxureate in it. It took a little bit of time to get used to being solitary again  and the pleasant realization of it hit me several times during the day. This makes me sound like an awfully anti-social person and I am anything but. I do appreciate time that I can spend by myself and only need some socializing sometimes. A little goes a long way. I do not forge ahead in making many friendships but cherish the few I have. 

I could very much tell that my guest was an American and that I was a European because there was a gap in world vision between us. But it was not just a gap in our world vision. There was also one in the little, ordinary, every day things.  We went about things differently and had a different aprroach to and a different look on things. Our reactions to situations was different and I recognized hers as typically American. 

I had been unprepared for this and it was a bit of an eye opener. I realized that I could not communicate my experience of life to her. It was like speaking different languages and things getting lost in the translation. She thought whenever there was a similaruty in life style, it must be because we had adopted it from the Americans and not developed it of our own accord. She very much looked at the world from an American centered point of view with an American colored pair of glasses. It made me like her less. 

I will be surrounded by Americans in December and I must remember to take these differences into account when I talk with them and not take them seriously. I will be one European and not be able to make any changes in attitudes. All I can do is be a fair representative of this side of the world and be as well informed as I can be.