I meant to write a much more interesting post than the one I wrote about the toasted goat cheese sandwuches. but I was not in a daring enough mood to do it. I think that now I am and I will give it a try.
I wanted to write about my sister Marianne again and the fact that I think about her so much and that her death influences my behavior so much on all levels. I had this happen to me before with deaths of other close family members but I was then less acutely aware of it as consciously as I am now. Now it feels as though I am making it a choice to let it influence me that much and undergo it willingly.
I want all sorts of traits that were typically Marianne's to become my traits and they were basically innocent idiocyncracies that caused no one any harm but that defined how she was and that set her apart from the rest. I want them to be mine even if she was slightly unconfortable with them herself and had not gotten them down to a fine art and was slightly awkward with them.
She had a slightly vulgar taste when it came to accessories like jewelry and purses and belts and that sort of thing. She liked bling and gaudiness and leopard prints. During her marriage, she very much developed a "noveaux riche" taste. It wasn't my taste but I appreciated the effort and her need for flair and drama. I will not go as far as decorating my apartment in her style but I will adopt some of her ways in which she decorated herself and be on the look out for leopard print leggings as a tribute to her.
I also liked her attitude to not change her desire for oppulence when the going got tough and there was really no money to support her life style any longer. Instead of not liking the best brand of coffee creamer and ground coffee, she kept buying them because nothing else existed for her and it would have been impossible for her to buy a lesser brand. She bought the best of everything and dined well even though she had enough physical discomfort to make this difficult.
You may say that she went though life with blinders on but I say she made her uncomfortable life as comfortable as possible and decorated it with pleasant things the way you would a bare christmas tree so that every day would be a holiday. It involved bling and gaudiness and brand awareness to give shine to the very ordinariness and to soften the blows that life dealt her.
Considering her life was cut short, I would have wished for her to indulge in even more bling and gaudiness and opulence. Yes, I would have wanted her to make a regular feast of it and because she did as much as she could when she had the chance, I am going to continue some of that myself and make my own life as much of a feast as I can and indulge a bit also.
Marianne will be my shining example in this quest and I will do whatever she did over lightly. I do not know what my future holds for me and I may be run over by a bus tomorrow. I think I have to live every day as if it is going to be my last while still making plans for a wonderful future and making the present as pleasant as I can make it. I do buy good ground coffee and enjoy it very much and I think I will get the rest right too.