What I do for now.

I thought I was awfully tired at about ten pm and lied down in my bed with the light turned off, but once I was lying there, all sorts of scenarios about what might be the cause of the trouble with my vocal chord and my larynx started spooking through my head and I could not get any rest. Because of that, I got up again,l despite the fact that Im had taken a low dose sleeping pill  and I am somewhat drowsily sitting here. That is nothing a cup of coffee won't fix, however. There is always a solution for everything.

And by stating that, I have joust soothed my own mind. I should not have to worry anymore tonight and maybe I will not. A lot depends on the cup of coffee I am about to have and how well it straightens my mind. The way I believe in the restoring powers of coffee, I should be doing great real soon.

I know one thing, when I am worried about something, I want to reach out and connect to as many people as I can to get comforted, but also to share my thoughts in order to organize them and get them clear for myself . I think that if I talk about my worries, I will take the spell off them and reduce them to a more manageable size. I am a great one for baring my soul and making details visible so they will no longer hold sway over me. In many ways, I use my audience as my therapist, except that I get no instant feedback. I have to fill in the immediate silence myself.

I am less often reminded of fictional situations in literature nowadays because I read so few novels anymore. I can not compare myself to characters in books anymore and situations they encounter. These days, all my wisdom has to come from real life experience and real people I encounter in my life. Possibly this is a more realistic approach because life is stranger than fiction, but I can only draw lessons from it because I have been so well prepared. People in fiction are much more noble and heroic than people are in real life. Dirt and dishonor clings to them and you have to accept them along with that as well. You cannot reject people because they are human.

I know there are people who are in the pursuit of happiness who reject everyone who is not "perfectly" well put together and whom they consider as a threat to their carefully balanced  "serene" state of mind. I am not one of them. I take on everybody with their own unique faults and everything, because everybody is an evolving entity and they change in their ever evolving relationship with you. It would be strange if the involvement with you did not in some way change them. You can always measure out in what sort of doses you want to allow that person to be part of your life.

Enough of my deep thoughts. They are the effects of the caffeine working. Maybe I should have been a philosophy major who drank a lot of coffee and smoked a lot of cigarettes. I possibly missed my real calling. It is all about where your passion lies. It is a terrible thing to waste.
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