Sunday, June 15, 2014

The spirit of the moment

I have decided to only smoke outside anymore, thereby cutting down drastically on the amount of cigarettes I smoke. I started this yesterday morning and it is working out well. I don't have to keep the windows wide open anymore, which is good, because the weather has cooled down a bit and it was getting a bit nippy in here. We also don't have to keep the little fan blowing and that is a bit of a relief too, because it was giving the Cowboy chilled legs (he did insist on wearing shorts). 

Smoking much less has not made me cough less, but I think that is because of what is the matter with my throat, and I do still keep choking on the liquids I drink. It has now become a predictable part of my routine and I am fully prepared for it and always have a towel handy for spillage. I have found out that it is better if I do not drink anything carbonated, so cola light is off the menu. Cold lemonade with ice cubes however is on it, but I did have to find that out the hard way. 

I am now sitting up in the middle of the night the way I used to and have not for a while. It is nice to be back to my old routine and have this little bit of time on my own without any interruptions. Not that I am complaining about the Cowboy's presence because I am more than happy with it. But sometimes it is pleasant to sit by yourself for a while and be alone with your own thoughts. I have a lot on my mind right now and need the silence to let things settle in and the space to think about everything. I may be worrying for nought, but I want to be prepared for whatever may come. 

One thing I am not doing is artificially altering my state of mind by drinking a lot of coffee and getting a high out of it. I also take a very low dose sleeping pill so I am not very drowsy when I get up from bed. I am not going from one extreme to another, although I have to admit that last night when I wrote my last post, I was under the influence of the sleeping pill, but I had gotten up way too soon. I was in a bit of a tizzy and could not sleep at all having just heard the news about my health. Whatever that encompasses, because I really know very little as of yet. 

I think I will do something as mundane as think about what I am going to wear tomorrow and let that be my greatest concern. That will be my outfit for the day after it too. It has to be something that is comfortable and easy to get in and out of and not too bright of color because I feel kind of muted. I have been veering towards more muted colors lately and they fit my state of mind better. Not that I am down in the dumps, not at all. I just don't feel that it is necessary to stand out and make a statement. I don't actually have one to make. Blending into the background is more my style right now. 

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