Saturday, June 29, 2013

What I do now.

I have taken up drinking and start as early as 3:30 in the afternoon. I drink vodka with whatever juice is available on ice. I am a steady drinker and by 8 o'clock I am ready to go to bed. That is not so unusual, because I was always someone who went to bed early and watched the sun rise at dawn.
Because of the drinking, I have found out that I am a perfectionist and that I have been trying to fit into that straightjacket for a long time, although I would have vehemently denied it before and told you I was the most relaxed person I knew. I didn't know what relaxed was until I started drinking and felt all that pressure fall off my shoulders.
The drinking has given me enormous mental clarity and many new insights and a whole new world has opened up to me. That is why I know I am going to keep doing it for now, although I don't know what the future holds in store for me. I like the opportunity it is giving me to stop some behavior that turned out to be senseless, and to try out a few new things that are very educational and improve my mind.
The day after the night I have been drinking, I feel very good and I think I am like a shaman who has taken narcotic substances to get into a trance to have visions that are very revealing. The insights I am gaining are very valuable and I feel like I have stopped beating many dead horses and am very determined not to start beating them again. I have disconnected from old dysfunctional behavior and don't care enough to ever pick it up again.
I have started to watch the Ted Talks and find them hugely interesting and can spend much time doing nothing but. I never knew there was such a cornucopia of subjects that could be talked about with so much flair and knowledge. I finally feel the freedom to stretch myself into all sorts of directions.
I am seeing both my therapist and my psychiatrist on Wednesday and I will discuss this new aspect of my life with them and doubtlessly there will be some concern. I will also reveal my drive for perfectionism and the insecurity about myself it stems from. It all has to do with self esteem and self awareness and wanting to be good enough and accepted. When I drink, I don't care.


Connie Rose said...

The trick is to not care without having to drink. That said, I drink something alcoholic every day, but my tolerance is very low at this point in my life. One glass of wine, or two small screwdrivers, and that's it for me. I simply don't like the way I feel when I've had too much alcohol -- it took me many years to be able to find that tolerance level for myself.
Have a great weekend, you wild woman! xo

Gail said...

I wish you great success. This does seem to be trading one crutch for another. Overindulgence would be the bad side I suppose...and does it mix well with your medications?