I found out, although I already suspected it, that I can't drink large quantities of orange juice or any kind of mixed fruit juice that is supposed to be healthy for you. I had already noticed in the past that if I drank it in the morning and also ate fruit, it did terrible things with my blood sugar levels and made me go out cold later in the day. Drinking it in combination with vodka was not a good idea at all, because it made me have terrible cravings for food and a badly hung over feeling in the morning that took me a while to get over and all the necessary treatment to.
I now mix my vodka with something else and don't really get as inebriated. As a matter of fact, I only get a bit of a buzz and relaxed enough to feel free to do the things that are enjoyable and enlightening. I feel much better when I wake up and can start the morning without feeling that I have to set my body and mind straight first with a lot of effort. And I am eating more normally too and don't get those awful cravings that make me want to stuff my face when I drink.
I am reading a book that I borrowed from my sister that is called "Breaking through patterns." It is only available in Dutch and German and can be read by itself or be used along with a certain type of therapy that has borrowed elements from some other kinds, but mainly from cognitive therapy. Because I have had cognitive therapy in the past, the concepts in the book are not strange to me and I can perfectly understand them, but it is very good to, with a lot of care, read up on all of this again and reacquaint myself with the basic ideas and how I can apply them to myself.
I am at a crossroads right now and I feel that some things have to change because I have been stagnating and refusing to acknowledge that certain things about me and my life need to be worked on. I have been hiding behind a very thick and tall wall, shouting that everything is just great. Quite a few events are taking place in my life right now that make it come about that I have to make changes. It is all serendipitous and I have to take this train to the next station.