Monday, September 29, 2008

A Dip.

I've been feeling in a dip these past couple of days, which is no doubt in reaction to the hypo manic period, but I hate to write about it, even though today I felt like crying every time someone so much as pointed at me and I did shed quite some tears spontaneously. I felt overburdened suddenly by everything and incapable of dealing with the most simple things, such as being creative during creative therapy. I had a good cry there and everybody was very supportive and didn't think it was odd for a normally cheerful person to have a tearful few moments. It wasn't a very productive class for me this morning, but I stayed and did my best to make something of it.

I went home to walk the Überhund, who must have picked up on my mood, because he was being very disagreeable and wouldn't listen unless I got very stern with him, which I dislike doing, but I had to. He wanted to walk into the street right in front of the traffic.

I got rid of the Norton Virus Scanner and downloaded the free AVG 8.0 virus scanner, which I have had in the past and which many people assured me was better than Norton. Then I ran a complete virus scan, but it only found some cookies and it took 40 some minutes to run the complete scan. I was watching it scan while drinking coffee and saw things come by that I had no need off and uninstalled them after it was done scanning. I saw Ubuntu come by too, which made me think and later on I saw how much space it took up and that made me think some more.

Then I had to go to the meeting with my SPN and the ergo therapist and discuss with them how things are going with me and the different therapies so my SPN is informed about what is going on with me. I had several tearful moments there as well, but the kind that make you feel better, I think, and it was decided that I should take baby steps and not run and that I should add dance therapy to my curriculum. I will start with that this week.

The road ahead can be as long as it needs to be, I don't need to go running head over heels down it. I can take my time.

Then, when I came home, I did something that felt very good to me and that I experienced as a liberating deed. I uninstalled Ubuntu and it was very easy. All I did was find the program and go to the uninstall button and click on it and the thing was done. It was mighty good. I think the borderliner in me doesn't like big changes and this was too big a change. I couldn't cope with it and it kept nagging me, not even in the back of my mind, but very much in the frontal lobes.

So, now I am back to the comfortable chaos that is Windows and that I know so well. Don't ever be fooled by me, I will tell you that I like fun and adventure, when I really like comfort and familiarity.

I abhor changes in my environment and everything that does change has to be done in little increments so that I can get used to it. Like having your husband suddenly not there again isn't a big thing, right? Well, maybe it wasn't.

So, anyway, that was what my day was like and the dip isn't over yet, but I'm fighting it. I think I will go grocery shopping now, even though it is after 7 pm. Well, why not, it will keep me occupied.

Ciao...

10 comments:

aims said...

Ahhh - I was wondering what was going on. It can't be helped so don't feel bad about it. Just go with the flow. You know as well as I do that it does get better again. And it will. Maybe not instantaneously - but it will.

Huge hugs my friend. I know what you're going through.

The Writer said...

I love this picture you have up! Hair looks great and so do you! Growing is never easy but it seems to me that the alternative of stagnation wouldn't do for you. Hang in there!

Happy wandering!

The Writer...and her dog, Bear

Swishy said...

I have days like that. Just keep taking deep breaths and you will be just fine :)

Bev said...

I can't make head nor tail of the third paragraph - very technical indeed. You seem to know your computers. I wouldn't know where to begin with the virus scanning and everything else. If I were you, I would try and do something with all this knowledge.

There are lots of jobs online, many of them quite creative, but I couldn't even get the PayPal set up so fell at the first hurdle LOL

Bev said...

I can't make head nor tail of the third paragraph - very technical indeed. You seem to know your computers. I wouldn't know where to begin with the virus scanning and everything else. If I were you, I would try and do something with all this knowledge.

There are lots of jobs online, many of them quite creative, but I couldn't even get the PayPal set up so fell at the first hurdle LOL

Bev said...

I can't make head nor tail of the third paragraph - very technical indeed. You seem to know your computers. I wouldn't know where to begin with the virus scanning and everything else. If I were you, I would try and do something with all this knowledge.

There are lots of jobs online, many of them quite creative, but I couldn't even get the PayPal set up so fell at the first hurdle LOL

Frances said...

I think Bev got a bit excited about her problems with technology - tee hee.

Sorry the crash came, but at least it is a little one, you are still able to go out and do things and it means the hyper phase didn't get too out of hand before correcting itself.
If you think you are not doing well and wonder what we are all talking about, have a look at some of your early posts and then have a look at those ones where you were rapid cycling all day and napping and not sleeping. Look at how dysfunctional you were even a year ago.
You are very stable now, Irene, and you have taken control of that yourself. Your ups and downs are miniscule compared to the past. You have already made huge strides and your team know you can't push it too much. Maybe some of the down was fear that you would be asked to take on too much and pushed into something you couldn't cope with. Remember that you are actually in control here. The team want you to be in control and to cope with the steps you take. And look what you have already achieved.
The weight is a tremendous achievement, getting out of the personality machinations is fantastic and you are opening up to real people at your therapy group. You are doing your own shopping, not willing someone else to get stuff for you and cowering at home, you are attending your therapy regularly and not chickening out. You are cycling around and going out alone on a regular basis - and ENJOYING it!
Wow and wow. Hang in there - you know this will pass. hugs from one of your admirers.

Irene said...

Thanks Frances, for all the good and kind and truthful words. In my mind I did travel back to a year ago and realized the difference and it is tremendous. I hope I never again become that disabled.

You are right, I am still in control and I am still able to do things. That's quite something and quite an improvement.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

I'm sorry you've been feeling like this, Irene. It does help to cry, it's good therapy. Take care.

CJ xx

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