Management

After I wrote that post late last night about rapid cycling, I went back to sleep and didn't wake up until 7 AM this morning. Wasn't that nice? And I felt so refreshed and wide awake when I did and looking forward to my mug of coffee and my first cigarette. The Überhund thought it was too early to get up and let me sit behind the computer for a while before he thought it was time to go and do his business.

I have made it a point to have a very relaxing day and to not have any disturbances or other outside pivots interfere with my solitude and serenity. I haven't done anything exorbitant and have kept a very low profile, not even popping in to see my sister on my various walks with the Überhund.

The Exfactor did come over this morning to collect my credit card and I said that as far as I am concerned, I don't own one anymore now, because it is too tempting to use it on an impulse. We had coffee and as I sat there observing him, I realized that my intense feelings for him are slowly dissipating and that I could look at him as a normal human being again. The magic is wearing off a bit. I am very happy about this and am glad that I can see him as a fellow human being and not as the object of my desire.

So, instead of doing all sorts of busy activities like I thought I might, I did the opposite and did not even play any music, so the apartment was completely silent and it felt good. Sometimes all I did was sit in silence and just let my thoughts drift to nothing important at all.

I wanted to prevent becoming manic during the afternoon and therefor I did not go for the long walk I had planned with the Überhund and I did not go out and shoot a whole bunch of pictures. Instead, I stayed inside and read a whole bunch of blogs and commented on them and watched the clock slowly turn toward the evening. I thought that if I could keep myself from getting over stimulated and excited, I would not become manic and the best way to do that is to avoid the world and the people in it and to withdraw inside my cave.

I think I was successful, because I have not felt that feeling of euphoria that I get and I have been very calm and as a result I think that maybe my mood is not going to plummet, although it is early times and I don't want to shout it out to soon. I have decided to take the extra 20 mg of temazepam again tonight, because it did help me sleep well last night and I think that is very important for my mental health.

The mail from the Tax Office came yesterday, the mail that the woman could not talk about, because I had not received it yet and that which I dreaded receiving, but it was nice mail, because they are slightly increasing both my housing and health care subsidies. How about that? Without me even asking them to. Sometimes good things happen out of the blue.

There isn't much I can tell you about today, since it was such an incredibly quiet day and I feel like I am whispering while I type this for fear of making too much noise. I am looking forward to going to creative therapy tomorrow and finishing the project I am now working on. Maybe I will remember to bring my camera and take a picture of my finished project.

That's all I have for now. I need to find out what's on TV tonight and hopefully it will be something very good that I can get lost in.

Ciao...(she whispered).

Rapid Cycling.

After 4 months of finding myself continually in a good, if not a hypomanic mood, I find that since several days I am back to rapid cycling again, where I find myself in a good, if not a somewhat hypomanic mood during the day, only to hit a very low patch in the early evenings when a feeling of doom settles over me and everything becomes useless and narrow and hopeless and I can't seem to think my way out of sense of depression.

At first I didn't realize what was happening to me and I reacted to the mood as if it had a legitimate reason to exist, but I soon found out what was happening an that this was rapid cycling and that I must not act or react when I am in a frame of mind like this and especially not make any big decisions. I have to wait for the mood to pass and for me to come back to 'normal'.

It has been my experience in the past that sleep is a great healer when I am in these moods and that when I wake up, the mood has lifted or is nearly gone, so today at 6 PM, when I found myself under its spell again, I took 20 mg of temazepam and laid down on the sofa and took a very long nap. It is 11:30 PM now and I have been up for a while and I feel ever so much better now. The bad mood is gone and I feel 'normal' again.

Of course, this is going to play havoc with my sleep schedule, but I am more interested in feeling well emotionally and I will stay up for several hours and enjoy the serenity I feel now. The dark clouds are gone and so is the confusion.

I am not happy with the rapid mood changes, but I am glad that I found some sort of solution. It's like running a one legged race, somehow you do it in spite of yourself. It's not harder to go through this on my own. Having another person here is no help at all, as a matter of fact, it would be a hindrance in that I would feel guilty and distracted and apologetic. On my own, I can just get the thing over and done with, without the added stress of having another person here to calculate into the equation.

I am a bit manic in the afternoons and it manifests itself in different ways. Shopping is the main one and I have made arrangements for the Exfactor to come and pick up my credit card and keep it for me so I won't be tempted to use it impulsively. It is better if I use my mania in productive ways such as cleaning the apartment or going for long walks with the Überhund.

So, this was a little ramble to update you on my present state of mind, which is one of rapid cycling. Hopefully this is not a harbinger of a depression, but I will assume the best and think it is not. The manic episodes scare me the most, because I become so unreasonable, but then again, I am unreasonable when the funk hits me too.

Sleep is the great healer and I recommend it to anyone who is going through a tough time emotionally. Sleep and sleep and you will feel better.

Ciao...

Peace and Serenity

I have made my peace with the Exfactor and told him so in an email I sent him late last night. I would much rather have him as a very good friend, than as an ex-husband I harbor lingering feelings of love for and therefor can not have in my life. I would miss him tremendously as a person I can talk to about whatever plays in my head and the short to the point answers he gives me to help me resolve issues.

I think I found myself in a bit of a quandary because of my reaction to the divorce decree. I had not quite expected to be that emotional about it and take it to heart so. It was a bitter pill I had to swallow, but I have swallowed it now and have tasted the bitter aftermath and now I am ready to move on. As the only adult in the apartment, I do have to keep my wits about me.

As a result of my email, and to show his obvious relief, the Exfactor was here early this morning to bring me the 6 soup bowls that he did not like, but which I have use for. We got all straightened out over several cups of coffee and are on comfortable footing again. It is a great relief to me too. I would miss his cheerful presence in my life.

In the meantime, the cats are slowly learning to like their new cat food, although I catch Nouri eating the best bits out of the Überhund's dog food. Any minute now she is going to start barking and that will get her on the regional TV channel.

There is a cat two streets over who looks exactly like Nouri, with the exact same coloring and the same blue eyes. When I saw her first, I thought it was Nouri who had gone wandering, but it was not. Those people must have gotten their cat from the exact same place where we got Nouri, since Nouri is such an unusual cat. She is half Siamese. We got her at a pet shop in Belgium, which is the worst kind of place to get a pet and which I will never do again, because the animals there come from bad breeding places and are sick when you buy them, but you don't know that until you get them home.

If I ever were to get a cat again, I wouldn't get a kitten, but adopt a fully grown cat from the animal shelter. There are enough of them sitting there needing a good home.

I have to go grocery shopping, which I never got around to doing yesterday and even now I am putting it off. It is going to be busy there, because it is Saturday and lots of working people will be doing their weekly shopping. Leave it to me to wait until today to do mine. Bad timing.

I have been feeling like staying snugly at home and only going out to walk the Überhund and I think that is because Autumn is in the air and I feel like hunkering down and being cozy inside, but the weather has been beautiful these past few days and it feels like an Indian Summer and I should go out as much as possible and enjoy the warmth of the sunshine.

Would anyone care to come over and vacuum? It is such a chore and I so do not feel like doing it. Sometimes I really don't like the sound of the vacuum cleaner. It feels very intrusive and loud and I think I ought not to be making so much noise. I keep putting it off and doing other important things, such as sitting by the dining table and looking out the window while I drink my coffee and smoke my cigarettes and ponder little and big questions. Mostly about not very important things, because I am much too lazy to.

I feel my whole being slowing down for wintertime. Not in unhappiness, but in laziness and I only want to do things that are pleasant and comforting. The only things I still enjoy doing are the dishes and the laundry, because I get such satisfaction out of them and they are relatively soothing activities. Especially hanging up the laundry to dry and seeing that it got really clean. Oh yes, and changing the bed, I like that too. Sleeping under a clean duvet cover, mmm...good.

I must be very connected to the earth and the seasons, because I always seem to react to them very strongly. I hibernate along with nature. I go down when the sun goes down, or just about. When everything disappears under the ground, that's where I want to disappear also. Which Goddess is it who goes to the underworld in the wintertime? Persephone, that's right, and her mother Demeter allows the world to become barren. Well, barren I am then, what do you say? Barren of thought and action? Or is it really not that bad?

It is no wonder that our ancient ancestors revered he evergreen, the tree that stayed green during the winter. When I decorate a Christmas tree during that season, I always do it with that thought in mind and not the Christian idea of the birth of Christ, because the one thing has nothing to do with the other. I also like mistletoe and once lived in a place where it could be found in abundance and I decorated the whole house with it, so lots of kisses for me.

I do enjoy the odd pagan ritual, although I only know a few of them, but could find out more about them if I tried. It's just a shame that paganism is associated with witchcraft nowadays and not with humanism as it should be, because they were the rituals of the ordinary people and not some mysterious hocus pocus that was inaccessible to them. In the North East of the country, in the Saxon areas, you still find some pagan customs that are considered very ordinary today. There's no witchcraft involved, it's the people themselves who keep the traditions going.

You see how I go from one subject to the next and you get some idea of how my mind works, I have a broad base of interests and subjects to think about. There is never a dull moment in my head. Which reminds me of the fact that I really do need to get a library card.

Well, I think I will slowly get the show on the road. I must walk the Überhund and write a shopping list, so as to not fall into temptation when I visit the store. The main things I am going to get are low fat milk and nonfat yogurt with fruit in it.

Right, have yourself a good day on this lovely weekend and please feel free to come over and vacuum.

Ciao...

Fooling around...

I thought I would fool people and illustrate the apparent expectation of a sunrise for 'The Most Splendid Day!" by giving you a photograph for a header of a starry night. It is so beautiful, that I could not resist it and the contradiction. It reminds me of Van Gogh's Starry Night, of course, but I don't think the curators of his museum would appreciate me using it as a header.

Isn't this a lovely photograph, though, and I wonder where it was taken? I am assuming in some Scandinavian country, but I could be wrong. I had to crop it a bit to make it fit, but the most important elements are there. Imagine sitting on a bench in that garden and watching a sky filled with that many stars. It would make your head spin, even if you weren't drinking a hot toddy or some warm mulled wine. I very much would like to transport myself to that place and spend several hours there.

I suppose that is what photography is all about. To create the desire in you to be there where the photograph was taken. If there is mystery in it, we want to unwrap that, and if there is beauty in it, we want to absorb it. We want to be where the photographer has been and capture that moment that he has captured on camera in person. It makes you have a feeling of homesickness to see beautiful photography, because very often you have a feeling of recognition with the place depicted and you think to yourself, I need to go there. The desire is great and you can't stop looking at the photograph of it.

We want to see with our own eyes what it is like to walk around there and to sit and stare and take in the sounds and smells and feel the textures of the walls and the fabrics and the trees and the grass. We want to walk on that ground and listen to those voices that are so different from our own, even if we won't understand a word of it.

I feel that way about Africa. I have all at once a great desire for it and a large repulsion against it. I want to go to Africa and feel the heat and inhale the dust and meet the people and listen to them talk, yet at the same time, I know that the poverty will oppress me and that the inequality will outrage me and that I will see much injustice.

I was in South Africa once and walked on the street where I as a white woman was a minority. Still, I was a privileged minority. I was not scared, but only curious and I wanted to talk to everybody, but I knew it was not done. The servants in the house we stayed at were not used to our liberal way of approaching them and were quite shy. We approached them as equals and wanted to know about them, but they retreated behind a smile and polite silence. They picked up after us and we could not drop anything on the floor, because it meant more work for them and we learned not to leave anything laying around.

We never got to know them and I don't think that the people who employed them ever got to know them either. There were two worlds living together separated by color. There was a status quo that was respected by both sides, or observed by.

I want to go to Africa and be absorbed by it and forget that I am a white woman, although I think it must be impossible. Maybe, if enough red dust were to settle on me, nobody would be able to tell the difference.

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The Exfactor was here this afternoon. He came of his own accord after he told me yesterday that he would not come by, because we had seen each other that day. We talked for a while over several cups of coffee and I told him that because of my slumbering feelings for him, he could not be my caretaker anymore, because it would put me in an awkward position of being dependent on him and I thought it was unhealthy under the circumstances.

He agreed, but said immediately that we could still be good friends and that he would always want to come by and help me out with practical matters and that he didn't think he had to disappear out of my life and that he had no desire to, which leads me to believe that I still play some sort of an important role in the Exfactor's life and that he can't cut me off either.

So, we will be each other's friends, but he knows of my slumbering feelings and to tread gently. I told him that over time these feelings will change and that it is all new and raw now, especially with the divorce just being final. I think he does understand the importance of that event. The momentousness of it.

So, we parted as casually cheerful as we always do and I am sure I will see him again in the shortest amount of time when he comes to do his laundry.

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My sister and I walked the dogs at noontime and for two people who are going through similar experiences, we sure had little to say to eachother. There is something standing in the way of us and I don't know what it is, but it is not something coming from me, that I am sure of. I would almost say that my sister has closed up around me and doesn't share certain things anymore, but I don't know why not. I am not going to break my head over it and will just continue on with my life as if there is nothing wrong and wait and see when the change of heart comes again, because one day it will. I am patient.

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The Überhund is playing with Gandhi, but she is playing unfairly and is using her claws and the Überhund is very upset. He is laying right by her making begging noises and trying to get her to chase him. Gandhi is so cool and collected, she acts like she is the Queen and only disdainfully agrees to play with the Überhund to amuse him ever so slightly, but not too much.

I feel a terrible desire to go to Ikea and shop till I drop, but having no transportation I have no way of getting there. That leather sofa is still available there at that attractive price, but at this point I am unable to get it unless I go deeper into debt. I saw another attractive sofa somewhere else. It wasn't leather and will be just as much work to vacuum, but it sure was good looking. When I was hypomanic I thought of all sorts of schemes to get my hands on it. I would have sold my body for it, but I don't think I can make that much money and I wouldn't want to have to do it repeatedly.

So, I go on living with my old sofa, which needs vacuuming very often, because it is dark brown and every hair shows on it. Whatever made me think it was a good idea to buy it? Inexperience, of course.

Well, that's all the rambling you're getting out of me today. I will add some art, that you may or may not have seen already. I just can't keep track. It will beautify this post, though.

Have a wonderful rest of the day and make sure Billy doesn't get his hands on you and devotes a post to you and you alone.

Ciao...

How?

How do I tell you about today? It started off as such an ordinary day. I did my chores around the apartment and walked the Überhund and barely managed to eat a slice of bread and then, because the weather was so beautiful, I hatched the plan to go downtown and shop and sit on the terrace of my favorite café.

Because I have discovered the joy of wearing leggings, I wanted to expand my wardrobe with another mini type dress, or something, that had long sleeves and that I would be able to wear a long sleeved stretch T-shirt under. I had a vague idea of what it should look like and hoped I would find something on sale at my favorite shop, which is famous for having continuous sales.

So, I got myself all gussied up and hopped on the buss and rode it into town and got off at the market square, where it was busy with all sorts of traffic and people enjoying the sunshine. Dodging bicycles and scooters, I made it to my store and began my search for the perfect dress, which I then proceeded not to find. Mmm...change tactics, rethink the strategy, opt for something else. I looked around some more and saw a beautiful finely knitted cardigan that was as long as my shortest dress in a dark gray color. Maybe it was my size.

I took it to the dressing room and took of some layers of clothes and tried it on and it fit. Great! It was on sale for 30% off. Now I had to find a long sleeved stretch T-shirt to go underneath it and it was soon found for hardly any money at all on sale in an olive green color. That almost made the outfit perfect, because at the cash register there were leggings on sale in my size for an apple and an egg and I found some gray striped ones. I had the necklace and the mini dress to complete the outfit at home, so I happily paid for my purchases, the total price of which didn't make me blink at all. What a steal.

To celebrate my good fortune, I went to Café Monopole and ordered a cappuccino which came with a cookie and a chocolate and those really filled me up. The terraces everywhere were very crowded, but I managed to find a small table for two, so I called the Exfactor and asked him to join me. He was at his work a 5 minute walk away from there.

He came full of glee and we had two glasses of wine together, which made me a little tipsy, but what the heck, all I had to do was get on the right bus and they are clearly marked.

Anyway, from the conversation we had, it became very clear to me how much in love the Exfactor is with the Paramount and that this is a very serious relationship with a future and everything. Now, if you think that was easy for me to hear, guess again. I kept a very straight and neutral face and made all the appropriate remarks, but I was thinking all sorts of other things and I felt like having a good cry. But I'm a tough broad and I can take a lickin' and keep on tickin'.

We discussed our divorce party and our upcoming divorce and I was wondering when it would be final, because I thought it should be any day now. The Exfactor was talking about which people he would invite and how he would show the world that he had not left me behind as a poor helpless, downcast and depressed female and that I was doing great. So, that is his purpose for the party. Kind of doesn't want me to have the party anymore.

Anyway, we parted and I took the bus home and when I got home I got the mail from the mailbox and saw that there was a letter from the lawyer. At the same time the phone rang. It was the Exfactor. He asked me if I had read my mail yet, because our divorce decree was in it. I said that I would call him back and opened the envelope and there it was: In the Name of the Queen, we were officially divorced on October the 1st, 2008.

It was very surreal and I didn't know what to think of it. I thought it was kind of shocking and I called back the Exfactor who acted very lackadaisical about it as if it was an announcement about the trash pick up or something. I asked him what he felt, but I don't think he felt a lot. That is the impression I got.

I called both my sisters, but was unable to talk to either one of them about it, because both of them were up to their ears in their own problems, so I cut the conversations short. I needed to talk to someone and my SPN was not in the office. I finally resorted to calling my psychiatrist on his mobile phone and we had a nice and calm discussion about everything and it really helped clear my mind and get some of my sadness out. I felt a 100% better after I talked to him and was back to my old secure self again, the person who knows what to do and how to go about it.

Considering my still lingering feelings for the Exfactor, it is better if I don't lean on him so much and keep a healthy distance between us. We mustn't be too friendly. I must put up some boundaries and clearly draw a line. It really means that he can't be my safe person anymore, because that is too much of an intimate role for him to play in my life. I'll have to take on the responsibility myself or find some other method.

In the meantime, I sure look cute in my new clothes in combination with my dress and necklace. It is all perfect and I wish I had a party to go to so I could show myself off. Never fear, I walk the Überhund and get looked at enough to stroke my ego.

Now I am going to eat some soup, because I am starving. I hope the story I told you was not too boring, but I had to get it off my chest.

Ciao...

More Art.

Sunshiny Happy

Lobster

Probable Landscape

I don't know which of these images I have shown here before, but they are some that I was able to retrieve from another source. I have lost the titles to a lot of these too, so I'm making them up as I go along. Hope you enjoy them.