What I do now.

I have taken up drinking and start as early as 3:30 in the afternoon. I drink vodka with whatever juice is available on ice. I am a steady drinker and by 8 o'clock I am ready to go to bed. That is not so unusual, because I was always someone who went to bed early and watched the sun rise at dawn.

 

Because of the drinking, I have found out that I am a perfectionist and that I have been trying to fit into that straightjacket for a long time, although I would have vehemently denied it before and told you I was the most relaxed person I knew. I didn't know what relaxed was until I started drinking and felt all that pressure fall off my shoulders.

 

The drinking has given me enormous mental clarity and many new insights and a whole new world has opened up to me. That is why I know I am going to keep doing it for now, although I don't know what the future holds in store for me. I like the opportunity it is giving me to stop some behavior that turned out to be senseless, and to try out a few new things that are very educational and improve my mind.

 

The day after the night I have been drinking, I feel very good and I think I am like a shaman who has taken narcotic substances to get into a trance to have visions that are very revealing. The insights I am gaining are very valuable and I feel like I have stopped beating many dead horses and am very determined not to start beating them again. I have disconnected from old dysfunctional behavior and don't care enough to ever pick it up again.

 

I have started to watch the Ted Talks and find them hugely interesting and can spend much time doing nothing but. I never knew there was such a cornucopia of subjects that could be talked about with so much flair and knowledge. I finally feel the freedom to stretch myself into all sorts of directions.

 

I am seeing both my therapist and my psychiatrist on Wednesday and I will discuss this new aspect of my life with them and doubtlessly there will be some concern. I will also reveal my drive for perfectionism and the insecurity about myself it stems from. It all has to do with self esteem and self awareness and wanting to be good enough and accepted. When I drink, I don't care.

Doing the job...

The Exfactor and I found a work surface on sale for my computer table that was completely finished and measures 60x175cm. The length is 4cm longer than I am tall, to give you some idea. It is in a mottled gray. It was available in a variety of colors, but this one matches my sofa and in the end had my preference. I realized that a light wood color did not really fit with the general décor and would have stuck out like a sore thumb.

 

We had to, of course, remove everything from the old work surface in order to turn the computer table upside down to attach the new one. I let the Exfactor worry about all the cables and connections and just took care of removing all the precious items and the clutter.

 

Fixing the frame with the legs attached to it turned out not to be such a tough job. At least, the Exfactor made it look easy and, of course, he had the right tools for the job. When he was done, we turned the table right side up again and the Exfactor reconnected all the cables and we put the table in place. I put everything back on top and the larger space made such a difference. I finally have room for all my stuff and it's a pleasure to work at this table now.

 

I have made enough changes in my living space that I am going to have to take a time out just to get used to them, and today I am not going to make any more alterations, but pick up my everyday, ordinary life on a low simmer. I'll put the whole day in a low gear and spend some time in contemplation. I will be good to, just for today, live in the moment.

 

 

 

 

Maybe not such a dull Thursday...

I am waiting for the Exfactor to get here so that we can start on our new and exciting project that I thought of all by my single self. We are going to replace the work surface of my computer table with a bigger and lighter colored one. I don't have much room on the one I have now and it causes for a cramped place to work on and also keep all the things I need handy. I always have to make stacks in which everything disappears and gets lost for a while until I dig it out again.

 

The work surface I have now is laminated and black and you see every little speck of dust on it. I want to go for real wood, maybe very lightly stained or with a distressed look. The Exfactor and I will have to go to the hardware store together and see what the possibilities are. Whatever we choose, it's going to be very easy to fix to the frame that the legs are attached to. I think between the two of us, it shouldn't take long to get done at all.

 

I want to get a plant that can take low light and set it on the corner of the new work surface, because that is just what it's going to need. I am having much success with the plants that I got as a gift last summer and I have been keeping them alive and well by giving them a half a liter of water every Saturday and having placed them in the perfect spot. I should be able to repeat that performance with another plant.  I will go to the specialty flower shop where they can give me the right advice on what to get.

 

On Tuesday, we changed the whole living room around, except for the bookcase because it is far too heavy to move. I had made a plan ahead of time, so I knew exactly where each piece of furniture needed to go and we were done in no time at all. Once everything was in place, the fun part started, and that was the decorating. Of course, lots of little things and paintings had to be put in a new place. I took my time doing that and sat in my armchair pondering each new situation before I tackled the next one.

 

The next day, I was a bit emotionally distraught because of this change, like bipolar people have a tendency to be. I really reacted strongly to having made such an alteration in my environment because, although I liked it, it was also strange and I had to get used to it. I had to take some extra medication to make it through the day.Today, I am okay and I am able to accept things as they are and not feel so awfully insecure about them. So disconnected and alienated.

 

It is raining and Tyke and I got wet this morning when we went for a walk. It looks like it is going to rain all day, but it's not coming down in buckets at least. We will survive it.

 

 

 

A night without vodka.

Having gotten into the habit of having two 'screwdrivers' every night because they help me sleep better, I decided to forego them last night. I had eaten a very good dinner, and my stomach was full, and I simply was not looking forward to also having two tall glasses of alcohol. It seemed like it would just be an impossible task.

 

I decided to take my chances and aim for a good night's sleep without them, and much to my pleasure, I succeeded. The nicest thing was, that I woke up in a much better state of mind. I had not realized that the alcohol had affected the way my mind worked when I woke up, and it was not in a positive way. I think a drink now and then is alright, but I should not make a habit out of it.

 

I think for some reason that I haven't quite figured out yet, I sleep better in the guest room and Tyke does too. It may be the bed, which is very comfortable now that I have put a pad on the mattress. I am seriously thinking about staying in this room when my ex has gone back to the States. I will have to make it a bit cozier, but I can make improvements over time, there's no big rush to get it done.

 

I have to eat breakfast and get the apartment ready for the domestic help. I also have to wash the cover of my armchair because I spilled salsa dip on it last week.

 

 

That's how you do it...

I get around real well now for a crippled, old lady. As long as I put my left foot straight ahead of me, there's no problem. I can't move it one centimeter to the left or right. I also can't play the violin and that has been a lifelong ambition.

 

I looked up the orthopedic surgeon on line and he is legitimate and has no court cases running against him. He has had a good education and has worked in renown hospitals. He specializes in knees. The clinic also has a good reputation and my health insurance company has a contract with them and covers all the costs. I must admit that I worried about all of that a little bit and would have called the whole thing off if I had not felt reassured.

 

The Exfactor did the groceries for me this morning, because I don't trust my knee well enough to get on my bike. I had made an interesting list of items that I had first looked up on my store's website, and written down very descriptively, so that the Exfactor would not be able to make one mistake. He did a great job and got everything right and I could tell that he had really put his heart into it. He is a real good shopper when he puts his mind to it.

 

I heard from my American ex. He is in Barcelona having the time of his life and enjoying all the treasures the city has to offer. I am so jealous! I was real happy to hear from him because, although he is a grown up and able to take care of himself, I was beginning to get a little bit worried. Next, he will get on a ferry and travel to Italy. I know he doesn't get seasick, because he's been on lots of fishing boats in his lifetime.

 

I have to feed the animals and then take Tyke for a walk, and think about making myself something to eat. Something completely uncomplicated, so that I will hardly dirty any dishes. I am a little bit on vacation myself.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things to remember...

It is very important to never skip a meal, although the feeling of hunger does not always penetrate my thick skull. Sometimes it is just a feeling of unease and disquiet and not so much the sense of hunger that I feel, and I don't immediately associate it with having to eat. It is because it is the time of day to that I end up making myself a very healthy and filling sandwich and shortly after I have eaten it, my whole demeanor changes and I am in a much better frame of mind. It's like the difference between night and day and I think I must be suffering from a bit of low blood sugar to bring this about.

 

I do know that the sandwiches that I have been making with the thick slices of Gouda cheese and the lunchmeat on whole grain bread, satisfy me very much and as a rule fill me enough until the next meal. If not, and I start to wane before that time, I fix myself a couple of slices of bread with peanut butter.

 

You would think that with me eating all that whole grain bread, I would be gaining a lot of weight, but I'm not, although I have not weighed myself in ages and have no curiosity to whatsoever. I know I am still the same size, because all my clothes still fit me and I just, a few days ago, bought a pair of pants on line and they were in my usual size and fit perfectly. (These were to replace the ones that were cut up in the emergency room).

 

I don't want to diet to retain my shape and do want to eat when I am hungry. I have been eating some things that I normally don't because of my ex being here and him wanting to spoil me, but now that he is on his trip, I don't eat those things anymore, although some of them are still on the kitchen shelves. I am a firm believer in that if you eat sensibly and healthy, you never have to diet and will always have the body shape that naturally fits your build. A healthy diet shouldn't be about depriving yourself.

 

I don't want you to get the idea that I have the perfect body shape, because like any woman my age, I do suffer from the middle age bulge. It's a fact of life that I have to live with and it's not going away no matter how I eat or would exercise. I pay attention to other women my age and see that it's a common phenomenon. I think none of us ought to get upset about that and try to suck in our stomachs when we catch the image of ourselves in a store window as we walk by.

 

I have to go walk Tyke, because he is sitting here very patiently waiting for me to do so. I think I will wear my down filled jacket.

 

 

 

 

Success!

Because of a too tight pressure bandage around my knee that I had taken off last Wednesday, my foot and ankle had become quite swollen, and even though the bandage was no longer around my knee, the swelling did not go down at all. It looked quite horrid and I did not fit into my shoe.

 

I decided to get serious about it yesterday and looked up the problem on line. I found a few sites that discussed it and the solution was clear. I had to exercise regularly and in between keep my leg elevated.

 

I decided that a good exercise would be to walk Tyke often for not too big a distance, keeping the pain in my knee in mind, and to lie on the sofa and watch television with my foot on a fat pillow the rest of the time.

 

As the day passed, that did seem to help and I saw some difference before I went to bed where I continued to keep my leg a little elevated while I slept. When I got up, I saw a huge difference and my foot and ankle were almost back to normal.

 

I will continue with this regime today until I can fit comfortably in my shoe again and all of the swelling is gone. I am very much relieved, because I was ready to make a doctor's appointment on Monday.

 

I am making it a habit to take that fat pillow with me wherever I go to sit down in a regular chair, so that the circulation in that one leg will not be cut off by the edge of the seat. I do notice that it causes some discomfort if I don't sit on the pillow.

 

As you age, and get these defects, you grow smarter and wiser about your body and what it likes and dislikes. I find I have to learn all these little tricks and faithfully apply them. I never gave it much thought before and pretty much had the attitude that I was invincible. I do now have to accept the fact that things are starting to work less well. I suppose you also learn to make less of a big deal out of them.

 

I don't really care about what the outcome of the MRI scan is. The only thing that matters is if I am able to live with whatever consequences that has and I will just have to adapt myself to them. It's an imperfect world we live in and the road can't be made perfectly smooth all the time.

 

 

 

 

Optimism!

Maybe the Super Moon (whenever it is supposed to take place) has made me much more optimistic than I have reason to be, but I am more than ready to start the day and if I could hop, skip and jump, I would do it. I haven't had enough caffeine to warrant that kind of desire, so there must be another explanation for it. I feel like seizing the proverbial day and doing something wonderful with it, although my imagination falls short of what that might be.

 

Never mind, I won't let myself be bogged down by the details and just be glad that it is Saturday morning and that the birds are singing very merrily while they greet the early morning sun. There is always good enough reason to be happy about something when you are in a good mood. Whatever you overlooked before, suddenly becomes reason to be very cheerful.

 

The fact that the weather isn't all that great doesn't bother me one bit, because I like the fact that it is a bit cooler now. I hardly knew what to do with myself when it was so hot and I am certainly not a fan of temperatures that hover around 30 degrees Celsius. I welcome the rain that occasionally falls and the cool breeze that blows through the open windows and makes the apartment so pleasant to be in. I appreciate the fact that I get to wear clothes and that I don't have to strip down to the bare minimum. I have never been much of an exhibitionist.

 

The glass of cola light I am having now is hitting the spot and in my mind the carbonation is making me even more cheerful. Of course, a product like that is supposed to make me feel good. That's the very reason why it is sold. The fact that I drink two tall glasses of it every day is a novelty and a small indulgence on my part. I do like to fill my day with small pleasures.

 

I have a great hunkering to go outside and walk Tyke in spite of my sore knee and I think that's exactly what I will do.

Somebody has to do it.

I ordered an elastic brace on line two days ago and it was delivered by the mailman today. I put it on immediately and I must say that it feels very comfortable and that the fit is good too. This is so much better than messing around with bandages or a stretch stocking, or those braces with Velcro straps.

 

I have been resting my knee a lot while lying on the sofa with it supported by a thick pillow. I get up every once in a while to exercise it and do the odd job in the household. I try not to overdo it, because it takes time to recuperate afterwards. Last night the pain kept me awake. I did take Ibuprofen, but that upset my stomach now that I don't take the medicine for it anymore.

 

I can't sit behind the computer for too long a time, much as I would like to, and as soon as I have written this, I am going to have to take one heck of a break. I don't mind that too much, because Tyke shares the sofa with me and sometimes Gandhi does too. So far, I have been able to find interesting programs on television to keep me entertained. Thank goodness for public broadcasting.  

 

I am finding out where the loyalties lie of the different people in my life and I am going to have to make some decisions about who I hang on to and who I am going to stop depending on. You do run into periods in your life when suddenly crucial things have to change because you get a totally different point of view on them. It is good, though, to be shaken out of your complacency.

 

 

 

 

Wish you were here...

Having just two icy cold cocktails at night make me a very sound sleeper and last night I managed to sleep 8 hours. I think I could have slept longer if I had not been so stubborn as to want to get up and be in need of a cup of coffee. If two cocktails are all it takes to get me to sleep well, I think they are a very good habit to get into and I am not at all worried about turning into a lush. As a matter of fact, I had a bit of a hard time finishing the second one and left some of it standing on the little table beside my armchair. It shows you what kind of a hardline drinker I am.

 

My ex left behind four unopened packages of expensive lunchmeats, and rather than having to throw them away, I have decided to eat the contents on whole grain bread with thick slices of Gouda cheese and mayonnaise. This only bothers my conscious a little bit, because I didn't buy them and they would otherwise go to waste. I suppose that makes me an adaptable vegetarian. I am realistic enough to not throw away perfectly good food and the sandwiches are very good and filling. I have also decided to not try to be perfect anymore.

 

Yesterday, I discovered that I had a big tube of body mud mask and I applied it to my feet, which were rough with callouses, and found out that this made them very soft. I think if I apply it regularly, it will do my feet a lot of good. I am always putting good smelling crèmes on my feet to try and make them soft, but this stuff is really doing the job. I am sure that there is a product that is made especially for this purpose and as soon as I run out of body mud mask, I will go to the drugstore and find it.

 

It's time to take Tyke for a walk and gently exercise my knee. We don't go for a long walk because I can't handle that. I am being a bit more careful now after having been to the emergency room for the second time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trick or treat...

After visiting the orthopedic surgeon this morning, I am one bit wiser. I have osteoarthritis in my left knee, but to what extent, and if there is anything else the matter, an MRI scan will have to show and I am having that done on the 5th of July, which is a heck of a lot better then the two months or longer waiting period there is at the university hospital.

 

I have to go to Genk in Belgium for it, and at first I was confused and thought they meant Gent, which is quite a distance from here, and I felt bad for my sister having to drive all that way. My confusion was soon cleared up by doing a little research, and it turns out that where we have to be in Genk is only about 40 km from my front door.

 

I have taken the pressure bandage off, because it was much too tight and had made my lower leg and foot swell up quite a bit, and I am now wearing a stretch stocking over my knee. It feels good and, more than anything, it gives me a sense of security.

 

On the way to Lyon, my ex was able to change his itinerary and get there much quicker than we had planned. He is becoming much more daring and adventurous now that he is on his way and finds out how the system works. He is becoming a regular train hopper. I have talked to him twice and will probably do so one more time tonight when he arrives in Lyon.

 

Although my ex is great company and always an optimist, it is also nice to have my own space to myself again for a while, with the knowledge that in about two weeks he will be here again. You could say that I have the best of both worlds right now and I like it just fine.

 

My ex spoils me a lot while he is here, and after protesting a bit, I have graciously accepted it. It gives him pleasure to do so, and I enjoy being spoiled, so it makes us both happy. I haven't been spoiled in a long time and I like the experience. Doesn't every woman like that sort of thing? Just as long as it is something special.

 

 

 

 

The European adventure...

In a couple of hours my ex will be off on his train trip through southern Europe and I will miss him, but I am looking forward to hearing his stories when he comes back. No doubt he will have many of them and tell them with his usual humor. I will miss getting spoiled while he is gone, but that is something I will have to live with. I will appreciate it all the more when he gets back.

 

I know the animals will miss him a lot, because they have become very attached to him, and especially Gandhi thinks his lap is an exclusive place for her to lie down in every moment of the day. Little kids and animals have always been naturally attracted to my ex, because he has such a positive radiance about him.

 

I will be seeing the orthopedic surgeon this morning and my sister will be taking me and going in with me for the consultation. She has been operated on for a torn meniscus twice and knows all about it. That's why she is so sure that that is what I've got.

 

The weather has turned hot for a few days and now we have to do our best not to overheat. Tyke doesn't even enjoy going out for his walk. The earlier in the morning I take him, the better. Which is right about now.

Going along splendidly...

I have gotten permission from my health insurance company to go to a health clinic that has no waiting lines, and where my knee will be looked after in the shortest amount of time possible. I have my first appointment there tomorrow and I will be seeing the orthopedic surgeon. It is something I am very much looking forward to, because I think I will finally get a straight answer as to what the problem is with my knee and get the proper treatment.

 

My ex and I have been busy planning his two week train trip through southern Europe. This involved much more work than we had anticipated and much knowledge of foreign languages was needed. There are two train reservations that we have not been able to make yet and they involve an Italian company that is playing hard to get. I am sure the solution will present itself somewhere down the line, because you always have to stay optimistic.

 

I have been sleeping through the night because we always have cocktails in the evening and they sure help me sleep well. Tonight, however, I woke up because my knee was hurting so much and I could not go back to sleep because of it. I have taken Ibuprofen and Paracetamol and am waiting for them to work. I think the next time it will be better if I take them before I go to sleep.

 

I will make an attempt now at getting a few more hours of sleep before the day starts. My ex won't be up for a while, besides, he does know how to make his own cup of coffee.  

 

 

Going along with the pleasant mood.

Because of my extreme dissatisfaction and boredom with my present situation, I am reaching for my daily cocktails a bit earlier in the day than usual, and today is Sunday and I deemed that a day that it is allowable to get in a more mellow mood sooner in the day. I have nothing on my schedule but to sit here and take the weight off my knee and that is not a very exciting way to spend my time.

 

Another nice way to do it, would be to eat much evil food and my ex has just gone to the supermarket to supply us with it. He asked me if I wanted anything special and I told him to let his imagination run wild. He is a connoisseur of the good life and always comes back with something absolutely decadent and I am sure he will not let me down now. He enjoys it himself too much also.

 

I think I may become a total lush while he is here and find my salvation in drink and food and have not a care in the world. That will be like my vacation for this summer and I did need one of them badly. It's the next best thing to hanging out on a Caribbean beach and sipping cocktails from half a coconut shell with a paper umbrella. I can hear the gentle waves lap on the sands now and feel the gentle sea breeze. All I need, is a tan to show for it.

 

It is ever so nice to give yourself over to absolute relaxation and to feel that you do not have a care in the world, come hell or high water. To be in an oblivious mood of "I do not give a damn." I am glad that have the opportunity to feel this way under the safe guidance of my ex, who is a totally mellow and relaxed person himself. Even the animals are in a very easy going state of mind and we do this day justice, being a day of rest and not one to get excited about.

 

I am surprised at myself that I give myself over so easily to this and all I can think is that I must feel awfully safe or I would not do it. I guess it 's the experience of the familiar that makes it so. I find myself in a very Californian state of mind, which means that I know when there's a time to get excited and when there's a time to relax. There's no need to be in a constant uptight state of mind. It's okay to totally disregard your responsibilities sometimes and leave them lying by the wayside for a while. Nothing bad is going to happen if you do.

 

My ex just came back with a cornucopia  of delicious things and I have to help him put them away, so of I go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The shape of things.

After imbibing in painkillers and 'screwdrivers' last night, I finally went to bed  with my tightly wrapped knee and went into a coma the moment my head hit the pillow. I must say, that was the nicest experience and prevented me from feeling any discomfort. I slept until the sun had already been up for a while and the day had properly started without me witnessing the coming of dawn like I usually do.

 

Last night, my knee made a popping sound a couple of times and I think that's when it became unlocked and I am a lot more comfortable now and can put weight on it. I won't be running any marathons, but getting around the apartment well is more than I had hoped for.

 

The leg of my tight jeans was cut open in the emergency room because I could not get them off without suffering considerable pain, but my ex promised me a new pair. That will be something I will be shopping for soon when I get back to normal. It's a terrible thing to see someone take a big pair of scissors to your favorite jeans, but there was no other solution. I will toss them into the garbage today

 

I am waiting for my ex to wake up so I can make a little more noise than I do now. The apartment is small and I'm afraid that the least little sound is going to wake him out of a deep sleep. I would love to take Tyke for a walk, but I know that is a foolish idea and that my ex will have to do it. Because Tyke has bonded so well with him, that is not the least problem and my ex does it gladly. Gandhi has fallen in love with him also and sits on his lap at every opportunity she gets and purrs loudly.

 

I think I will make an attempt at doing the dishes. That may turn out to be a foolhardy idea, but I can try.  

 

 

That was not what was planned for today.

By making a move that I did not carefully think about ahead of time, I have reinjured my knee so badly, that I had to go to the emergency room this evening. I was totally crippled and could not really move around on crutches and had to be helped into a wheelchair when my ex and I got there. I got a shot of Novocain in my knee to try to get rid of the worst pain, but it did not help and I could not relax my knee enough to have it examined well. It was established again that I have a torn meniscus and it was again rewrapped in a tight pressure bandage that feels amazingly good.

 

I am to make an appointment at the orthopedic clinic again on Monday and start the process all over again, as if I have a lot of faith in that. The waiting list for a MRI scan is long. I hope I do not get the same incompetent doctor that I had the last time who told me that I had a contusion and a hemorrhage. It is so clearly not that. I am getting a bit frustrated.

 

I am having several drinks to make me feel better and to get over the 'trauma' of the event. I feel that I totally need to relax before I go to bed, which is not going to be a comfortable experience. I also had salty, crisp chips with balsamic vinegar and guacamole sauce and it pleased me very much. It made my stomach happy and my whole soul. I think I need to treat myself  especially good right now. My ex helps me do so willingly, but I don't want to take advantage of the situation and start functioning independently as soon as possible. I will get off those crutches as soon as I can.

 

The drinks make me very mellow and a nice person to be around with.  Not that I am normally not, but they do get me ready to go to sleep and generally agreeable. I think everybody needs an emotional crutch like that and I am glad I discovered that I am able to deal with it and that I can handle it as long as I don't overdo it. It is not my intention to become an alcohol abuser and I think a drink works better than a tranquilizer. Especially when your knee is hurting like hell.

 

 

A pleasant time...

As soon as it is 6 o'clock in the evening, we pour ourselves our first drink over ice and get ready to totally relax. It has become our ritual and we look forward to it. The benefit of it is, that it helps me sleep a lot better and last night I managed 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I would say that it works a heck of a lot better than any sleeping pill I could take. You could say that I have found the missing element to solve my sleep problems.

Yesterday, I got introduced to salty, crisp chips with vinegar and was hooked on them immediately. Together we finished the whole bag in one sitting. I hadn't had any sort of chips in ages and it was a wonderful experience. My ex had gone to the supermarket all by himself and came back with all sorts of goodies. I definitely belief that he should do this regularly. I will encourage this kind of behavior. He had even bought brown shoe polish because he thought my cowboy boots needed a good polishing.

 

He has a very independent spirit and tries to figure out how things work as quickly as possible and I don't fret and let him. He is perfectly capable of taking care of himself and of solving whatever small problems he runs into. He enjoys being in a different culture and dealing with whatever comes his way and absorbing the experiences. Luckily, he can address anybody, from young to old, in English and that does help.

 

I think I am very lucky in that I have such agreeable ex-husbands. It does show you that I do something right. It is my independent spirit that does not allow me to stay married to them, but I like having them in my life very much and appreciate them as people. Of course, we have all gotten older and wiser and more tolerant of each other and forgiving. Maybe people shouldn't get married until the autumn of their lives.

 

 

 

 

 

Blonds prefer gentlemen.

One of the nicest pieces of news that I got yesterday, is that I do not have a torn meniscus and that came as a great relief to me and I could have embraced the doctor who told me so and all the nurses I saw too. I do, however, have a worn knee joint and a contusion inside my knee and a hemorrhage. This should take about another month to heal, but in the meantime I am to use my knee as normally as possible, because I am not going to do any damage by doing so. I've got a tight stocking around my knee now and another one as a back up, and I am to wear it for that whole month. If I am not better after that, I am to go back to the orthopedic clinic.

 

To celebrate that fact, my ex and I rode our bicycles downtown and found a new café right on the side of the river to have lunch at. We did that very leisurely, because we had all the time in the world. I had the vegetarian burger and fries. My ex had a salmon salad and we really had to do our best to try and finish all the food, which in the end, I was unable to. It was fun to try something new instead of the usual cafes that we go to in the usual places. The service was good and done by the owner and cook, and the clientele on the terrace was international.

 

The weather was unpredictable and went from cool and windy, to warm and sunny, to windy and rainy. We let nothing stand in our way and had something to drink at a café on the Market Square later where all the umbrellas were almost blown away by a gust of wind, and we rode our bikes home in the rain in our summery clothes.

 

Later in the evening, my sister picked us up to come look at her new house that is almost done being renovated, and after that, we took a long, leisurely drive through the hills and villages of the surrounding countryside on the narrow and windy roads. It was so beautiful and everything was lush and green and like being in a foreign country. We saw many huge, old farmhouses that were built like forts and had the original walls surrounding them that are hundreds of years old. The roads that we drove on have existed for at least a thousand years if not more. They have always been there in some form or another and cut deeply into the surrounding landscape.

 

We have a drink or two at night to get us in a mellow mood and to make us sleepy enough to go to bed on time, but the truth is that neither one of us makes it past 10 o'clock. And another truth is, that we are already mellow enough together and we should be, because we have known each other for decades. Our relationship to one another fits like old shoes and is very comfortable. It's very nice when you feel so much at ease with another person. It's also nice to know why you chose to get married to that person in the first place and that you did not make such a huge mistake back then.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let's get this day started!

I fell asleep in my armchair last night while watching my favorite cooking show. This is something that has never happened before and as quickly as I could, I put on my pajamas and got into bed. I didn't want to try and stay awake in case the moment passed and I would not be able to fall asleep again.  My American ex, who was trying to stay up as long as possible to get used to this time schedule, was also nodding off and I think he went to bed shortly after me. Of course, we had been talking up a storm for quite some time and probably wore each other out.

 

I had defrosted my very richly filled vegetable soup for dinner, and I must say that I was impressed myself and that I make one hell of a vegetable soup. My ex enjoyed it a lot too, even though his stomach was on the wrong schedule and not at all ready to deal with a big meal. I think it is the Herbes de Provence that make the soup extra special. It is worth remembering that I do this well and that it is a soup that makes people happy.

 

This morning I am going to the orthopedic clinic in the hospital and it is really something that I am looking forward to, because I want them to tell me what I can and can not do with my knee. I hope they'll tell me to use it as much as possible, because that is my natural inclination. I do not at all want to rest with it and take it easy, especially not now that my ex is here. I do want to be able to participate in all sorts of activities and even be able to ride my bike.

 

Tyke likes my ex very much and listens to him very well, even though the commands are in English. Apparently they are close enough to Dutch that he understands. Tyke usually likes company, but some he likes more than others. He got very lucky this time because my ex loves dogs.

 

I've got to get the show on the road and do last night's dishes.

 

 

Being mellow...

I am drinking a Breezer and saw on the bottle that it contains only 4% alcohol. That's not very much and I hope that it is enough to make me mellow and help me go back to sleep in a while. It certainly does taste good and I can understand why it is so popular among the young crowd. It doesn't taste like you're drinking alcohol at all and goes down very easy.

 

I am mentally preparing myself for the moment when my American ex will arrive, which should be in about 12 hours from now. I suppose I am more nervous about that than I realized now that the time is drawing near. It's not such a little deal to spend a month with someone you were married to for 19 years and whom you divorced in the end because of irreconcilable differences.

 

Usually, the nervous anticipation of an event is worse than the actual experience, so I will just count on that and assume that most everything will go well. I think for a month it is going to turn me into a regular drinker, otherwise I will have to keep reaching for the tranquilizers and I don't want to do that. Besides, that is not nearly as thirst quenching. The ice cube trays will be used a lot.

 

I have poured myself another Breezer over ice and I always thought I didn't handle alcohol well, but I do actually. I think it was just a myth I believed in like so many others. All you have to do is relax and accept the mellow part and keep your head about you. There is no reason to get lost in the process and make a big drama out of it.

 

On another note, I am feeding Tyke less wet food and now he is forced to eat his dried kibbles and he does. He actually eats the whole bowl full and I think it is better for him since he still needs to lose weight. I don't give him too many of the kibbles so he doesn't overeat. I just noticed that he ate his ration for tonight.

 

I will try to go back to sleep now and hopefully do so until the morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When the going gets tough...

I have tried to perk myself up with a couple of cups of coffee and, although they have made me think straight, they have not created a lot of perkiness. I think I need some other kind of substance for that, but I don't exactly know what that might be, and if I am even in the possession of it. I briefly thought of pouring myself a stiff drink with the little bit of vodka that I have left, but that may not be such a good idea, given that I am not such a seasoned drinker and would be standing on my head in no time.

 

I rarely allow myself the pleasure of being under the influence of anything and becoming more relaxed and carefree and less in control, although that would be a pleasant state to be in. I wish I allowed myself that much relaxation and ease of mind. I know enough people who have a glass of wine or two at night to help them cast off the stress of the day and to help them sleep better, and I wonder why I can not do the same thing.

 

That's something to think about anyway, because now I try to alter my mind with cups of coffee and I don't know if that's a good idea either. They do end up keeping me awake longer than I had intended and probably make me sleep worse. I may be going about it all wrong and have to invest in some bottles of wine.

 

I would enjoy it very much if I would go to sleep in a little while and sleep until the morning. Sometimes I do get a little bored sitting up during the night because there isn't always that much to do, although I do my best to keep myself entertained. I think it would be so much better to spend the time asleep. Facebook can be interesting during the night, because that's when everybody in the States is active and I do have interesting enough "friends" to keep it entertaining.

 

Well, I am tired now, so I suppose I will start finding my way to the bedroom where the animals already are. Wish me luck on my quest for sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I give up!

I admit that I have been fool enough to walk around with what is probably a torn meniscus as if there is hardly anything the matter. I have ignored pain and discomfort and stubbornly kept on going until today and then I saw the light. My knee told me, "Stop, you've done too much," and I lied down in my bed, propped up against some pillows, and stretched my leg and took a long rest.

 

That is probably the best thing I could have done and I am going to keep doing it. I will not be taking Tyke for walks anymore and have arranged for my sister and the Exfactor to do that again. And it is very difficult for me to admit that I can't do something and that I have to be dependent on other people and actually stay out of commission for a while. I hate to be the patient. I don't do it gracefully.

 

On Wednesday, my American ex gets here, and I may have to ask him to walk Tyke for me, because I'm not going to do it myself until I have seen the orthopedic guy on Thursday. Luckily, I know he likes walking dogs, so it may not be a problem, except that he doesn't know any of the commands in Dutch.

 

I have rewrapped the pressure bandage tight so it won't slide off my leg and it does feel much better than the brace, which didn't fit me very well. I feel like I've got all sorts of support now and I that my knee is much more secure.

 

I am not dealing with all of this emotionally very well and I am a bit down in the dumps because of it. I had imagined all of this quite differently. I mean the month that my American ex is going to be here. A stupid little thing like a torn meniscus may alter all the plans that we had made. I am very bummed out because of that. And I have to admit that I don't like not being in control of things.

 

I suppose a lot depends on what I will be told Thursday and I have to wait patiently on that.  

Yes, a mistake like that also happens...

I made the awful mistake of going to bed early and waking up two hours later as if I had only gone to sleep to take a nap. I was sure as heck wide awake and ready to tackle whatever came my way. That certainly hadn't been in the planning for the night and here I was, ready to party with no party to go to. I was ready to get dressed up in my finest outfit and that wouldn't have boggled my mind one bit. I even would have managed to put on some mascara.

 

Well, when you find yourself with the energy and the willingness to party, but you have none to go to, you have to find other ways to amuse yourself, and believe me, I have found myself in this circumstance more times than I am willing to remember, but before this stage in my life, I have never been single long enough to participate in the more carefree and/or in depth aspects of being an unmarried woman.

 

It's very possible that this makes me want to walk to the sound of a different drummer, and as I develop more into this single, unattached person, I become more clearly defined and less predictable and conventional. I even surprise myself by leaps and bounds and never know what twists and turns of fate that influence my mind and opinions lie around the next bend in the road. Whenever I fear stagnation, I suddenly move ahead of myself faster than I could have anticipated.

 

What I find out is, that I am a one woman evolutionary project, but along the way, I never try to covert anyone to my points of view or way of life. That's because everything happens so quickly, that I can hardly keep up with it myself, and besides, I don't have the zeal or desire to convert anyone. I am happy enough that I am changing so much myself and I actually like the woman I am turning into.

 

It is very nice when you don't live with someone else all the time who influences your mind and opinions and who you constantly have to adapt to and make allowances for. Subconsciously, when you are part of a twosome, you are always making concessions and not going full out for your own convictions. At least, that has been my experience in both my marriages. Thank goodness that I have enough time left now to make up my own mind.

 

Mistakes happens, but you get the opportunity in life to learn from them and choose a different path all the time. That never stops.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The blue skies are real gray today...

Well, gosh darn it, the weather didn't turn out the way it was forecast by those cheerful weathermen on television at all. Blue skies, sunshine and a pleasant temperature were promised, but let me tell you something: it isn't anything like that outside at all. We were certainly fooled today and whoever had plans to sit under a parasol at a nice outdoor cafe and sip a cold beer can forget about that activity. There will be no people watching going on today. We are all shivering indoors in our warm clothes and maybe even with the thermostat turned up. I'm not telling one way or the other.

 

Because of the coldness, I even found my thicker socks and cowboy boots again and am wearing them with much pleasure instead of the summer shoes I had been wearing. They are now lingering on the shelf with the rest of the footwear and that includes some sandals that may never see the light of day this coming season. Oh, I am too much of a pessimist, but forgive me, these summery days that we had are so rare, and over and done with before you know it  We are supposed to accept our fate as a cold and wet country, but that is not how I remember my summers.

 

I distinctly remember my skin peeling when I was just a little thing because of all the sunshine, and I thought at the time that it was a real novelty and that I was probably like a snake and was going to shed it all every year just like snakes did. Of course, nothing was ever explained to me properly and I always had to figure everything out for myself. I had to give my baby sister sex education lessons, while I understood very little about it myself and was pretty much mystified. She grew up much wiser than I did.

 

Today I became a member of the Party for the Animals, which is a political party that comes up for the rights of all animals and fights for the environment and the preservation of nature as a whole. They hold several seats in parliament and have a lot of influence on the other parties, be they governing or in the opposition. I am done with all the parties of men in suits and ties and their slick promises and half truths who have no idea what is going on in this world and all the creatures, be they human or otherwise, that live in it. From now on, I am only voting for this party.

 

I have also become vegan.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It turns out quite differently sometimes...

Well, it must be that the move to the other bedroom has upset my intention to sleep through the night, because all I managed were four hours of uninterrupted sleep. On the other hand, Tyke seems to like sleeping in this room very much, because he was amazingly settled down and did not move from the bed the whole time. He snored his little heart out while he was cozily tucked up against me.

I will not worry too much about getting up now, and messing up my well intended schedule, and try it all over again tomorrow night. It's impossible to be perfect all the time. If I am it some of the time, then that is good enough. Oh, let's face it, I don't even come close to being perfect. If I said I did, I would be a complete liar, and on the day I was, we would all have to hang out the flag and celebrate.

I suppose there was a time when I thought it was very important to be perfect and when that was my primary goal in life. I assume I had chosen some standard of what 'perfect' was and tried to live up to that every moment of the day. It was very debilitating and left me exhausted. I would not recommend it to anyone and if you feel you want to be, I recommend you stop trying to be right now.

 

I better stop sounding like a wise old woman before I start believing I am one myself. I have lots to learn yet on this path that we call so nonchalantly, 'life.'

 

I look forward to the day and can't wait for it to be dawn, although I suppose that I must sleep a few more hours. My body will tell me when it gets tired again and then I will go back to bed, which turned out to be amazingly comfortable and I had not expected that, so that is a bonus. At least it wasn't because of the mattress that I woke up too soon. Tyke can attest to that.

 

In another hour, the first birds will start to sing. They are the most optimistic ones and I welcome their song. It is one of the nicest elements of this time of the year, plus the fact that it gets light so early. It gives you al sorts of willingness to get the day started and make something good of it. That is much harder to do on a silent, dark morning in the wintertime.

 

And now I am going to pour myself a tall glass of cold apple juice and quench my everlasting thirst.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a functioning mode...

If I go slowly, and keep my leg straight, and don't make any sudden moves, I can manage my household, but don't ask me to kneel down and get anything off the floor. I will absolutely refuse to do it, because the fear of God is in my heart. I do move like a somewhat disabled person, but since it's a temporary condition, I won't worry about it too much. My knee will get better and I will never again make a thoughtless move.

 

I have taken off the pressure bandage and put on a knee brace instead, and it is doing a good job of giving me support and keeping everything in my knee in place. I imagine my knee is going to collapse if I use it without the brace on. I have gotten the holiest of respect for joints and cartilage and what can go wrong if you're not careful, and have accepted the fact that my body is getting a bit older and worn.  

 

Today I spent time getting the bedrooms ready for my soon to arrive guest. I am moving to the guestroom and had to get the bed ready in there to make it as comfortable as I could with my own pillow and an extra pad over the somewhat hard mattress. I have to sleep there, because that's where the patio door is and the cat flap. Tyke always wants to go out one more time late at night and I don't want to have to disturb my ex with our late night escapades.

 

I have aired and/or washed all the linens and other items for the bed that my ex is going to sleep in and have taken as many of my personal items out of that room as I could. I am trying to make both the bedrooms look attractive and pleasing to sleep in and I think I am succeeding. I do want him to get the idea that he is welcome and that I did put some effort into making him feel that way. I want him to feel perfectly at home.

 

I have already started another shopping list on the white board in the kitchen that the Exfactor will have to take care of on Tuesday. There are some items on there that I never have use for, but that I will have to stock my refrigerator with now. You know how those Americans like their sandwiches with everything but the kitchen sink on them. Thank goodness I still have homemade vegetable soup in the freezer. I will serve that for lunch on Wednesday, because he should be here right at that time.  

 

I have to very carefully and slowly take Tyke for a walk and it is as if Tyke knows that this is the way we have to do it. He very thoughtfully walks at a very easy pace.

 

 

 

 

Successfully sleeping...

I never knew a cup of coffee could taste so good! I kid you not, and that is because I slept almost nine hours last night and that's the longest I've slept in an awful long time. So you can bet on it that I was more than ready this morning for a dose of caffeine.

 

I must say that I woke up in a very good mood and with a glad heart opened up the blinds in the living room to let the daylight in. I was eager to start the day and the day is not going to disappoint me, because there is a bright blue sky and sunshine all around. What more could I ask for?

 

It is awfully nice when something works out as planned and you can bet that I am going to stick to this success formula. There will be no more getting up during the night, staring at a bright computer screen, fooling my brain into wakefulness. I certainly am glad that in the process of getting older, I also get wiser. I must say though, that I wish getting wiser would happen a little quicker. It sure would come in handy.

 

I have to rewrap the pressure bandage around my knee, because it has slowly slipped down my leg and is not doing me a heck of a lot of good right now and I do notice the difference. I hope I can rewrap it as successfully as it was done in the first place, but I am counting on my creative skills that normally do not let me down. No doubt I will do a fine job of it and if not, I can redo it until I get it right.

 

Tyke is snoring his little heart out on the sofa, because he is not used to this schedule. I do vaguely remember him barking during the night, but I was too sleepy to react to it much. I figured that he was doing his duty as guard dog. Whoever had a mind to break in, sure changed their mind when they heard his fierce bark. He does sound like a much bigger and more dangerous dog than he is, although I would not tempt my fate with him.

 

Gandhi is sitting very Zen like on the dining table, staring out the window, watching the day start up. Nothing disturbs her and I am sure she has many Buddhist qualities that come to her quite naturally. I really think that this is just a way for her to pass the time until I get around to feeding her and that she is showing a lot of patience.

 

I will also start the day and feed her and rewrap that knee. There is a lot of living to be done.  

 

 

Okay, that's enough of that!

Because every night I am up having sleepless hours and nightly escapades, I am seriously going to have to limit my rather large and generous intake of caffeine. You know, the stuff I inhale like oxygen. No kidding, it always makes me feel good, but I have to get serious and choose between drinking a lot of it or sleeping well. I have decided to sleep well.

 

I am going to limit myself to four cups of coffee a day; two in the morning and two in the afternoon and those will have to do. I will have them at the most crucial times of the day anyway. Once when I get up and once when I have that dip in the day and I need energy. The rest of the time I am going to have to learn not to be dependent on it and drink something else, even if it is just plain old ice water.

 

I don't know why I got sensible suddenly, but I suppose there is a time and place for everything and this is it. I have to quit fooling around and act like I can just absorb caffeine nonstop, like I am an enormous sponge, without it having consequences. At this point, I wish I had never started drinking coffee and had always continued drinking tea, which I did as a kid for a long time. I may revert to the habit.

 

Right, having made that public, it's all settled then and I had already made this afternoon's ration of just two cups and I am working on the second one. That's more than enough to give me the pick me up I need and have my brain working just fine, thank you very much. I don't need to function any better than this.

 

After the Exfactor did the groceries, I fixed dinner for lunch and ate half of it, because I was ravenous. It was like I had had no breakfast at all, while I ate two slices of dark whole grain bread with apple paste that was just sour enough to give me a kick and was finger licking good. Whatever can be said about me, it is true that I do have a healthy appetite and enjoy every meal.

 

The Exfactor also brought me a big carton of apple juice and I had that in a tall glass over ice cubes and it was mighty tasty, but gone too quick because of my everlasting thirst. And that, I think, is because of the medication and there is nothing that can be done about that.

 

Improvement!

After a fitful night, during which I had a hard time getting comfortable in my bed with that bum knee that is triple layered in the pressure bandage and made me feel awfully warm, I did eventually manage to get a couple of hours of sleep toward the morning and when I got up, my knee was in a much better state and hurt a lot less. I am getting around a lot easier and have yet to take pain medication.

 

So what it really comes down to, is that the bandage is actually helping me a lot and I would most likely be in much worse shape without it. I hope I get to wear it for a long time, because it does give me a secure feeling and all sorts of confidence. I would feel naked and vulnerable without it now.

 

I did set out to feel better today, and to be in much better shape, and I suppose that attitude is actually helping me do well. It must be the power of positive thinking, although I may assume too much and simply be very lucky. I am just very glad that I am not so incapacitated now and that I will be able to fend for myself better. I think I will even be able to fix dinner for myself tonight and that is something I look forward to, because I now already have a tremendous appetite.

 

The Exfactor is going to do the groceries for me this morning, so I will not have to worry about running out of food for a while. I've already got a long list going on the white board, because I was planning on doing them myself for the whole week. I doubt I will be riding my bike any time soon.

 

He got me some vanilla custard and goat yogurt yesterday and there is no doubt that I have a lactose intolerance, because they caused me a considerable amount of discomfort, the symptoms of which I will, very ladylike, not describe. I will not be eating them anymore, so now I will practically be a veganist. That was a very clear and easy to interpret message.

 

Although it is going to be a beautifully warm day today, it does cool off quite a bit during the night, and because I have the windows open, it is not very warm in here and I do sit here chilled quite a bit. I am already dressed optimistically for the warm weather, but I think I will put on my bathrobe over everything. It is one thing to look summery pretty, but another to have goose bumps. Along with my colorful dress, I am wearing very thick socks to keep my feet warm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Accidents do happen at home.

I was crouched under the computer desk this morning to fix a cable, and when I tried to get up, I also twisted my body to the left and heard a loud crack in my knee and felt a terrible pain. I knew immediately that I was in deep trouble. I could not put any weight on that leg without breaking out in tears and I could not straighten out my leg. All I could do was plunk down in the desk chair and try not to suffer to much. Luckily, I had the phone within hand reach and I could rally the troops.

 

To make a long story short, with a lot of pain and suffering I made it first to the doctor's office and then to the emergency services at the hospital where I was carefully examined and photos were made. Nothing is broken, but it is suspected that I have torn the meniscus in my left knee. Everything points in that direction anyway.

 

A pressure bandage in three layers was wrapped around one half of my leg, which helped a lot immediately, and I have an appointment at the orthopedic department next week where I will be more closely examined. Then it will be decided if an MRI scan needs to be made. I am to rest my knee completely and only hobble around when necessary on crutches. My sister and the Exfactor are taking turns taking care of me and Tyke.

 

I tried to go to bed early tonight, but could not find a comfortable position to lie in and I got up again in the hopes of finding a way to amuse myself and keep my mind off the pain. It is very frustrating to be incapacitated, because there is so little you can do for yourself. I would like to be able to do all the things I normally do, but find that nearly impossible, Even getting a cup of coffee is a mean feat. For that reason, I am planning on being better in the shortest amount of time. I am already pushing the limits.

 

I was very much looking forward to the day this morning and had already started it off well. On top of that, it was another beautiful day. So you could say that I had a bit of bad luck. I am very lucky that I had troops to rally, because I would have been lost without them and I will need them this coming week too. I'm very optimistically minded and think I will be mobile again soon. The bandage that feels oh, so good, helps me a lot. It holds my whole knee together.

 

Wish me good luck and a quick healing process. I do so want to get back to normal.

It will happen sooner or later...

One of these moments, not too long from now I hope, I am bound to go to sleep, but for now I am wide awake and seem to have forgotten the way to the bedroom. My sleeping pill, that I've taken a long time ago, had no effect at all, and I'm sitting here as if I have not been slowed down at all. I know that if I wait long enough, and allow myself to get into the proper frame of mind, I will go to bed and sleep for at least a couple of hours.

 

But you know what? If I don't get enough sleep now, I will be sure to catch up on it in the morning, because that's when I always sleep the soundest. My nighttime activities keep me awake, because apparently I think this is the best way to spend the wee hours of the night. The darkness encloses me inside a little circle of light all of my own and it is cozy there. I do, however, seriously have to get into the mood to go to bed and sleep a little bit. I will mentally prepare myself now.

 

I do have a lot of ideas running through my head at night and it seems that my brain is the most creative when it is dark outside. I must have had nocturnal ancestors. I always feel like undertaking some big project and I have to prevent myself from getting into all sorts of trouble that I am going to regret in the morning.

 

One reason I chose the most basic layout for this blog, is that I would not constantly mess about with it, because that is something I would do in the middle of the night. I would try to track down free blogger layouts and try to download them and often ran into all sorts of problems while doing that. I was too stubborn to give up on that. Now I can't do it anymore. There is no messing about with this one. I hope I am smart enough to keep it, although I remember now that there are some interesting layouts for the basic design. Oops!

 

I never had the speakers of the computer turned on, because there was so much interference on them, until I realized today that it was because the base of the landline was sitting right beside one of them. I moved it one meter away and the buzz on the speakers was immediately gone and now I can listen to all the music and short films that everybody is always posting on Facebook. It improved my experience there a lot, because I was a bit frustrated about not being able to. And it turned out to be so simple to fix. I should have figured that one out much sooner.

 

I am going to have one more tall glass of orange soft drink and get into something else that will hold my interest for a while. If only there were something that would hypnotize me into a deep sleep.

 

 

Change is progress too.

I don't exactly know what happened, but my headaches have disappeared and the state of my mood has improved dramatically too. I think I will never find out which element it was that I changed that brought about this difference, but I sure am grateful that it turned out this way. My whole frame of mind has improved and I see the silver lining around the proverbial clouds again. I sure as heck like this attitude a whole lot better than the one I had, and find it so much easier to live with myself this way. Now I actually think I am a worthwhile person again.

 

I think it may have something to do with the fact that I have stopped eating peanut butter sandwiches, but also with the fact that I have hardly had any dairy products. You may think that this is all a lot of mumbo jumbo, and maybe it is and I am somehow trying to find a justification for the changes in my mood. Maybe there is a whole different process at work and I need to look at that. I think I will sit down in my armchair in a while and give it some thought. There is that part of me that likes to believe in magical thinking and that somehow wants to have control over everything by influencing the elements of the rituals.

 

I now cook dinner at lunchtime and fix enough food for two meals so that I can eat it in the evening too. I find this a more satisfactory way to divide up the calories and the energy and nutrients of the food I eat. Having a hot meal at lunchtime is much more filling and satisfying than eating a sandwich and I do much better the rest of the day. I have lots of energy and don't get a dip at the end of the afternoon and I do not get hungry until later in the evening. The food is already made and all I have to do is heat it up, and as I found out, I do not mind cooking one bit because I like the outcome.

 

I am supposed to mention now that the weather has taken a turn for the better. It actually got up to above 20 degrees Celsius and the sun was shining all day today. The nice thing is that it is going to stay like this for the near future, so I am going to have to dress differently than I have so far. It is time to get my summer clothes out of the closet and I do that with a lot of pleasure. I do have some nice enough things to wear and I look forward to wearing them. One thing I have to do, is paint my toe nails a nice color so that I will be able to wear sandals. What I really need, of course, is a pedicure.

 

I have to watch the news now and stay well informed. The economy is going very badly, and all we hear is doom and gloom.

 

 

The slumbering black dog.

I haven't been feeling upbeat and that is why I haven't written any blog posts lately. I am mildly depressed and have been suffering from headaches, although I think I know the reason for them now. I think I even know the reason why I am mildly depressed, but I am going to discuss that with my therapist on Thursday. It is not something I can talk about here, because it is of a very personal nature and does not involve only me.

 

I think the headaches were due to the fact that I ate so many peanut butter sandwiches, and I think I may have an allergy to peanuts. I stopped eating those sandwiches yesterday and for the first time woke up without a headache just now. It's possible that I overdosed on them and I've had strawberry jam on my sandwiches since then. I think that agrees with me better and I like the taste of it too.

 

I am, as usual, sitting up in the middle of the night, and for a change can think pretty straight, which is something I have not been able to do for the last four days or so. Or should I say, nights? I would like to feel some joy again like I usually do an maybe, if I sit here and write for awhile, it will come back to me. Not having been able to write at all has been a real reflection of my feelings, so maybe this is the start to feeling better.

 

One thing I have not neglected to do, despite not feeling upbeat, is make dinner for myself every night, and you'd think that would be one thing that would fall by the wayside. It has evolved to the point though, that dinner has become such an important event, that I look forward to it all day and, although I postpone it as long as possible, I can't wait for the moment when it is time to start cooking it.

 

I don't fix very complicated dishes, but I do make sure I get all my nutrients, especially my proteins, and I eat a lot of mushrooms three times a week. I like the meat replacements and I eat them twice a week and I eat legumes too twice a week and, of course, lots of applesauce. I eat a lot of pasta, but want to switch to the whole grain kind and I have to see if the supermarket carries it. As I understand it, it is a bit more expensive, but it will be worth it nutritionally. I do eat whole grain bread after all.

 

It is time to go back to bed, because I am starting to yawn. The night is not nearly over yet and there is lots of sleeping left to do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the road to concur.

I am drinking coffee, but I am longing for a glass of orange flavored soda, so I think I will pour the coffee down the drain and get out a tall glass and ice cubes. I have treated my mind to caffeine, and now it's time to treat my body to something cold and bubbly. I think I'm sufficiently activated to think straight and to be in a good enough mood, so now it is of the utmost importance to take care of the physical needs. My thirst is overwhelming and I feel a huge need for something sweet and carbonated.

 

Plain old water would never fulfill me, although if I lived in a barren desert with only one oasis in sight, I would appreciate a cold drink of water very much. The accident of my birth has determined that I don't, and I get to go to the refrigerator and get out the drink of my choice. I do live a luxurious life. Actually, when it really comes down to it, I wouldn't mind a Bailey's Irish Cream on the rocks, but I have not stocked up on that, so I have to forego that pleasure. Besides, except for the great taste of Bailey's, getting high on alcohol is not a high priority right now.

 

The Campina Dairy campaign would have us believe that the whole world is waiting to drink milk from cows that have grazed on the green grass of Frisian meadows. The world's population suddenly has to turn into dairy consumers and also learn how to eat cheese, please. There is a Campina commercial on television that I know is made for the Asian and Arabic market. This comes at a time when many of us have come to the realization that grown ups don't really need to drink cow milk and that many people develop a lactose intolerance when they grow older. Go figure. How to create an artificial need.

 

We try to westernize the rest of the world so we will have a market for our products, but also to make those people more like us, so we can accept them more easily. We try to remake them in our image. Capitalism has no respect for culture or boundaries, be they personal or regional. The Netherlands has always been a nation of traders, that's how we always got our wealth. Socialism has been a pleasant side effect of that, because at least nationally, people did have a conscious.

 

It was also our Calvinism that made us care for our fellow citizens, but if we colonized a foreign place, it was mostly to make money out of it and not at all to be of a great social influence. Our concern was with what profit we could make.

 

I went into the little Arabic market around the corner and looked in vain for milk. The idea had not caught on yet.