My psychiatrist told me yesterday not to think of myself as a boring person because it may look like there is not much activity going on with me. He said instead to think of myself as a caterpillar inside a cocoon undergoing transformation to a butterfly. On the outside it looks like there is nothing happening, but inside all sorts of processes are taking place. The reason it looks so dull on the outside, is so that no one will be curious and everyone will leave it alone while the transformation takes place.
When he said that, a huge sigh escaped from deep inside of me and I knew he was right. As a matter of fact, while we continued to talk about matters, several sighs escaped from deep inside of me and I started to feel better and better as we proceeded. My psychiatrist always knows that this is a good sign and that things really have hit home with me. I also experience this as a big relief and feel like a load has shifted off my shoulders.
He said there are times to be a caterpillar, and there are times to be a butterfly, and that you can not force those times on yourself or influence them with pills unless things drastically get out of hand.
I have to make an emergency plan now with my temporary personal helper because it can't wait. It is something that needs to be in place and should have been already. We don't know if and when I am next going to be hypomanic again. I felt a bit hypomanic 24 hours ago, but it turned out to be just a temporary condition in reaction to something unexpected and there was nothing I needed to do about it, except calm down. It is important to take these sort of things into account.
As to my desire to do some sort of volunteer work, my psychiatrist said that the most important thing is that I find some activity that is enjoyable to me and that causes no stress. It doesn't have to be to the good of society, which I assumed it had to be. I may look into a physical activity again such as yoga or Tai Chi. It depends on which one is the kindest to my knees. He emphasized that it is important that I take my time making a decision about this and that I not rush into things. I suppose he knows better than anyone my tendency to.
Today I have an appointment with my therapist who has been away for a while because she had to have unexpected surgery. I will see how I react to her and if I want to continue with her, although it is my psychiatrist's wish that I do. I will give it a good honest try.