Friday, February 07, 2014

Getting a "no" on my request...

My psychiatrist returned my phone call yesterday afternoon and told me that he did not think it was a good idea that I increase the dose of antidepressants at all. He said that, after knowing me so well now, he was afraid that if I did, I would start rapid cycling again. Of course, I had no answer to that observation because it is possible that I will, there are no guarantees that I won't, but I had been willing to take that chance. He did not think it was a good idea at all though, and he thinks that I should find whatever passion I think is missing within myself.
I told him that I am as dull as a chopped down tree trunk standing deadly still in an empty field, but he had no compassion for that and doesn't think I should use medicines just to become less dull. I told him that I did not like the person I was now and am not at all happy with myself, but he said that I had to learn to accept myself.  I felt a lot of frustration, but had to accept his decision. I will see him next Tuesday when I have an appointment with him, but I doubt I will be able to convince him then. I expect no changes in this situation and will have to accept things as they are.
I am used to being lively and full of spit and vinegar and how I am now is sure a  pale contrast to that. Maybe it is for the better, though, because now I at least will not get into any sort of trouble. I don't do anything controversial and don't put my foot in my mouth and offend people. Especially not those closest to me.
I suppose that when I am in the company of other people, I am not the only one who is in charge of  making the conversation lively. Maybe some people are dull themselves. I remember in the past surrounding myself with lively and talkative people who enlivened me. Maybe I should do that again.


Cheri said...

I love your statement of the tree trunk in the forest. Tuesday is not too far away hope you swing back a bit before then though.

Connie Rose said...

I'm having several thoughts here in response to your post. One is, I think you need a much longer time horizon to get a realistic perspective on your moods. From one day to the next or one week to the next isn't nearly long enough to determine where the middle ground is, where your center is. As soon as you feel slightly off in one direction or the other, you panic and want to medicate because you think you don't like yourself as you are, wherever it is you are at the moment. I think this thinking is short-sighted, and probably a symptom of the problem itself. You're never really getting far enough away from being inside the rollercoaster to get any clear perspective on it. Give yourself more time.
My other thought is that you keep talking about accepting yourself or not being able to accept yourself, when I really think it has less to do with self acceptance than it does with letting go of the fear of not being how you think you're supposed to be. Does that make sense? You're too attached to your moods, you keep thinking that however you are at the present moment is how it's going to be for the rest of your life. And then it changes the next day, but then that's not okay either. I think a lot of it is about fear, likely the fear of being out of control. Perhaps you could try embracing that out-of-controlness when it comes up, whether you're high or low, just sitting still and being with it, for as long as it takes for you to come to some sense of okayness with it. It won't kill you...but your fear of it could. FEAR = false evidence appearing real. Be kind to yourself ~ some days you're up, some days you're down. Stop trying to be perfect and just be real. Sometimes life's great, sometimes it sucks. That's life. You ultimately can't medicate your way to the perfect balance of high/low forever.
I wish I could in any way make things easier for you. xoxo

Friko said...

Sorry your doctor doesn’t agree with your self-assessment. But that’s how it is. Often we know ourselves better than anyone else but the previous commenter is right: you swing in different directions every day, sometimes twice in one day.

Is there any chance that you might turn your attention to anything outside yourself, something that would take your mind away from short term solutions? An interest, something you could actually stick with for a while?

When I read your posts I have come to expect you to say exactly the opposite to what you said a day or two before; not a good way to balance yourself.

Of course, I don’t know how seriously ill you are. Forgive me if I’m talking rubbish. But a bit of stability seems to be missing.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

There might be something in considering the company you keep...
And winter tends to be a quieter season for most of us, too.