My psychiatrist returned my phone call yesterday afternoon and told me that he did not think it was a good idea that I increase the dose of antidepressants at all. He said that, after knowing me so well now, he was afraid that if I did, I would start rapid cycling again. Of course, I had no answer to that observation because it is possible that I will, there are no guarantees that I won't, but I had been willing to take that chance. He did not think it was a good idea at all though, and he thinks that I should find whatever passion I think is missing within myself.
I told him that I am as dull as a chopped down tree trunk standing deadly still in an empty field, but he had no compassion for that and doesn't think I should use medicines just to become less dull. I told him that I did not like the person I was now and am not at all happy with myself, but he said that I had to learn to accept myself. I felt a lot of frustration, but had to accept his decision. I will see him next Tuesday when I have an appointment with him, but I doubt I will be able to convince him then. I expect no changes in this situation and will have to accept things as they are.
I am used to being lively and full of spit and vinegar and how I am now is sure a pale contrast to that. Maybe it is for the better, though, because now I at least will not get into any sort of trouble. I don't do anything controversial and don't put my foot in my mouth and offend people. Especially not those closest to me.
I suppose that when I am in the company of other people, I am not the only one who is in charge of making the conversation lively. Maybe some people are dull themselves. I remember in the past surrounding myself with lively and talkative people who enlivened me. Maybe I should do that again.