I always think I am wide awake when I get up in the middle of the night after a few hours of sleep, but as usual, I am fooled again tonight. Once I sit behind the computer, all my best intentions about what I was going to do there fly out the window and I start to nearly fall asleep slumped in my chair. This happens even as I drink my first cup of coffee, and if I'm really in bad shape, I can forget everything and go straight back to bed to continue sleeping.
That is not really what I want as a rule, because I like being up in the middle of the night. It is when I am in the best mood and when I feel that I have the best opportunity to be most like myself without all the restrictions that the daylight brings. I guess I do have to hide my light under a bushel, or is that not how the saying goes? I suppose what I want to say is, that I feel safe in the darkness and more at ease with who I am and less worried about what anyone else thinks about that.
I know, it is silly and it should not bother me at all as a finely tuned adult, but I do admit to some weaknesses in my character and this is one of them. The other ones I can not think of right now, but I am sure that they lie within my grasp in my memory if I really want to get a hold of them. I will not try too hard for now, lest I damage my ego too much. Egos can after all be fragile things and we don't want to put them at risk unnecessarily.
While I sit here and write this, I still am not completely coherent and the strangest thoughts enter my head and threaten to take off with me. They are like having mini dreams happen in a few seconds time and getting me on the wrong train of thought. I must say that I do some very imaginative thinking then and wonder about the problems I solve and if they are worth remembering and putting to use? Or is it just like when you are smoking weed and they just look like they are really insightful? I think the latter may be the case.
I have just shocked myself into wakefulness and comprehension when the computer made a funny noise and I thought, "Oh my god, what if I have to buy a new one!" It has been making funny noises these past few weeks and I hope to shout that it doesn't mean it is about to break down. I do have a little laptop as a backup and could easily use it once I figure out how to get it online. I suppose I really don't have anything to worry about and should not do too much of it ahead of time. Each problem has a solution if you think about it logically and stay calm. If I can't work it out, there is bound to be someone else who can.
That goes to show you that there is nothing like the fear of a real life problem to wake you up out of a semi-slumber and that a rush of adrenaline will chase away any last vestiges of sleep. It is nice to know that, when called upon, I can function in case of an emergency. The only problem I have now, is that I feel like eating cake with fresh fruit and freshly whipped cream, and where am I going to find something like that at this hour? A craving like that must be the result of the adrenaline rushing through my body. I am glad that the supermarket is closed, though, to prevent me from gaining any more weight than I already have. I would not be so foolish as to crave this and go buy it during the day when it is open.