Potholes and speed bumps...

It's raining cats and dogs outside and I for one am happy about that, because as long as it's raining, it means it's not cold enough to be snowing and I can stand by the open back door and wait for Tyke to do his business without catching a cold. I do like to keep an eye on him at night, as much as that is possible in the darkness, because I want to grab him as soon as he starts to bark for whatever reason, though he usually doesn't, thank goodness. It's like he knows that he has to be silent when he is out there. He does me a great favor, because I don't want my grumpy neighbor upstairs to have anything to gripe about. 

Tyke's now sound asleep beside me with a full stomach, because he convinced me that he absolutely needed something to eat and pestered me until I filled his bowl, which he then emptied with much appetite. A dog with a full stomach is a happy dog, is my experience, and when Tyke is hungry he is a bother. He can only think of food and doesn't rest until he gets it. 

I'm supposed to be asleep, of course, but as is usual on the weekends, I'm allowing myself a late Saturday night when I'll go to bed whenever I feel like it. It is my one indulgence and I do so enjoy it, because I'm always in an excellent mood when I stay up. I feel like nothing much can go wrong and that the world is my oyster and that I'm the pearl lying in the middle of it. Everybody deserves their fantasy and I'm no different than anybody else. I do feel that a night well spent is worth the hours the next day that I have to sleep late, especially since it's on a Sunday, which is the one useless day of the week. A day of rest. 

The reduction of my medicines is going well and I'm not yet noticing any adverse reactions. I've cut back my anti-psychotics by another 2 mg and I don't notice anything unpleasant. I told myself from the start that it wasn't necessary to expect a bad reaction to reducing them. I could equally well expect a pleasant reaction, who was to say? I didn't want to walk around with a negative attitude and negative expectations. 

As of Friday I also reduced my anti-depressives and I've not fallen into a deep dark hole. It would be too early for that anyway, but I'm not noticing any adverse reactions from that either. I'm not going through withdrawal. I'm doing all of this under the guidance of my psychiatrist and would not dare do it on my own. That would be like playing with fire. I've gotten wise enough not to do anything like that. I do have to put my trust in a professional who knows about these things.

I've had my coffee and am about done with it. It tasted good while it lasted, but now I'm ready for something else. I think I'll have some lemonade. That will take care of my sweet tooth. I do always get cravings for sweet foods during the night and think of all kinds of delicious things to eat, but since I don't have them in the apartment, I'm in no danger of eating them and gaining weight. That's the best defense against that.  In my fantasy I'm always eating chocolate bonbons and vanilla ice cream, but I get over that during the day and have hardly any such desires then. I wouldn't go out and buy them anyway, except when I'm in the tobacco shop and buy a chocolate bar. That's another one of my indulgences, but I do have very few of them.

The lemonade is making me feel cold and I've just turned up the thermostat. A body does need a little bit of warmth. Now I've just got to wait for the apartment to heat up a bit. It will be pleasant in here in no time. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day. I guess my rain dance worked. 

Ciao,

Nora

Just how cold is it?

When I walked Tyke for the last time yesterday evening, I almost slipped and fell when I crossed the street, because it was as slippery as an ice skating rink. The whole street is like that and so are all the streets in the neighborhood. None of them have been treated for the snow and subsequently have turned to ice. 

I'm now afraid to walk on them, because my boots have no profile and I can fall very easily. I don't want to wear last years hiking boots, because they are too small and caused me so much trouble with my little toe that took forever to heal. The sidewalks are only a little bit better and it's best when I walk Tyke to walk on the grass as much as possible, because there I don't slip. 

I was supposed to see my SPN and my psychiatrist this morning, but I don't want to ride my bike, because I'm sure I'll have an accident, as there are no such thing as snow tires for bicycles, and I don't want to walk all the way over there on the slippery sidewalks and streets in this cold. The wind chill factor makes it minus 17 degrees Celsius. 

Maybe somebody braver than me would do it, but I'm awfully afraid of breaking a bone and being helpless.  I imagine myself lying in the middle of the street with  a broken leg and having to go to the hospital while the animals are home all alone. Gandhi was already very distraught when Tyke and I were gone at the neighbors yesterday morning and needed a lot of attention from both of us to get back to normal. She's not used to being on her own for such a long time. 

Anyway, I simply can't afford to fall and break a bone, so I'm going to cancel my appointment and not go anywhere until the ice and snow have melted, other than take Tyke for walks, which is dangerous enough. Things should melt by the end of this weekend when temperatures will rise and we will have rain. Rain will be  most welcome.

In the meantime I'm sitting here working on my third cup of coffee, which I probably won't be able to finish. It tasted good while it lasted and the coffee woke me up well enough. I got me functioning anyway. It is always such a bother to make that pot of coffee in the morning with my sleepy head, but it sure is nice when it's done and I've got my first cup.

Tyke is eating his new dog food when he realized there was not anything else I was going to give him and he already chased Gandhi away from it with an angry growl. Gandhi retreated to the coffee table with hurt feelings. Tyke's right in defending his food, though. She does have her own bowl of kibbles on the kitchen counter. She just assumes that everything that belongs to Tyke, belongs to her too. That's how attached she is to him. She thinks they are a unit. They probably can't live without each other. Judging by how she greeted him yesterday, that's probably true. 

I've got to get dressed and go out and brave the elements to walk Tyke. I do worry about that slippery street. Just now I saw a young girl on her bike slip and make a smack. I felt so sorry for her. She got up okay and went on her way. Cars go by very slowly. I am exactly at the intersection of three streets, so I'm waiting for the sounds of a crash. I hope not.

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

About the little things...

I'm sitting here late in the evening with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. I've already been to bed and asleep, but Tyke suddenly started to bark as if something was wrong. That woke me up in a hurry. I heard a car drive away, so that must have been it. He is over alert sometimes. I suppose that makes him a good guard dog, but I don't think the neighbors appreciate it. I generally do try to keep him quiet, so that I will get no complaints. 

Like I said, it woke me up in a hurry and my heart was in my throat. Talk about an adrenalin rush. I was afraid he was going to repeat himself and thought I had better get up. He is now sound asleep on the sofa with Gandhi and everything seems to be back to normal again, except that I am up and awake. I will try to go back to sleep at a later time when I am calmed down again. 

My upstairs neighbor has come ringing my doorbell once late at night and I don't want a repeat of that. It does make me nervous. He's very sensitive, because he is in the autistic spectrum, and uses that as an excuse not to be allowed to be bothered by anything. 

Anyway, I have to start the going to bed ritual all over again, so I will be here for a while yet. 

After I spent the day comatose because of the lack of coffee, I did get dressed and walk Tyke. I wore warm clothes without paying much attention to whether or not I was fashionably dressed. It was 41F degrees outside, but it didn't feel cold, because there was no wind. The sun was setting and the sky was covered in clouds. It was good to feel the cool fresh air on my face. 

Tyke frolicked through the leaves on the ground and picked up many scents. He is a true hunting dog, although I think he always follows the same trails. I suppose the same dogs walk there every day. He constantly has his nose to the ground, just like Jesker did and inhales deeply. He buries his nose in the grass as deep as possible. 

We almost missed the delivery boy from the pharmacy, whom I had forgotten about completely. I let Tyke carry the bag of medicine into the apartment. He did so very proudly. I do need a treat to get him to surrender it again. That's next on my shopping list. Tyke does think that every package and every bit of shopping is for him personally. I don't know where he got that idea. He has a real sense of ownership. 

The new brand of dog food is filling him up well and also does wonders for his turds. They are dry and hard and easy to pick up. What a difference with the old brand. Sorry about that subject, but as a dog owner that concerns me very much. 

Gandhi likes the new dog food very much too and always gets some of it. She stands at the ready on the kitchen counter to get her share of it. She also gets her regular kibbles and her dish of milk, so she's not getting a shortage of nutrients. She's getting a little bit plump, but she was always a very slender cat, so it's not too bad. I will put her on a fitness regime if it gets out of hand. I will have her do sit ups and push ups. It's a pleasure to see her eat well. 

I have to try and amuse myself for a while, because I'm wide awake. No doubt I'll find some kind of trouble to get into. There is always something to do in the blogging world. Somewhere in the world someone is writing a post. 

Ciao,

Nora

Mondays that don't hurt...

It's already afternoon and the day seems to have flown by. No doubt that has to do with the fact that I slept until 9 o'clock in the morning. I don't know how I managed that feat either, but I thought it was worthwhile mentioning. I couldn't believe it when I looked at the alarm clock and saw what time it was. I had been up twice during the nigh, and those had both been opportunities to stay up, but I withstood the temptation and went back to sleep, rightly so, it turned out. It seems I do have enough sleep in me at night to stay in bed and take advantage of it instead of getting up and artificially arousing myself with numerous cups of coffee, only to collapse again in the morning.

I took my time getting started and had two cups of coffee while I sat behind the computer and smoked cigarettes and answered emails. To me that's the only way to start the day. Reach out an touch someone. I must get my brain in working condition right away and coffee and cigarettes help me get there. I does feel good when all the synapses fire correctly. There's nothing like some mental activity to get me in the right mood. I would be a talker if there were someone pleasant to talk to. 

The first thing I do, though, when I wake up, is abundantly greet Tyke who sits beside the bed waiting for me to open my eyes. I make a big deal out of saying good morning to him as if I haven't seen him for a long time and not just a while ago when I let him outside to do a piddle. We have our bonding ritual with much petting and hugging and that really starts the day of right. I wouldn't want to have to do without it. He is very friendly and good natured first thing in the morning, but then he really always is. 

The hard part is waiting for the coffee to get done, even though it really doesn't take all that long. It just seems like it because I want it done instantly, which makes me sure that I want a Senseo machine again. Once I have my cup of coffee, I am truly satisfied and think that all is well with the world and for a while I am the most contented person around. I don't think there is anybody on the block more happy. They can all make the claim, but I won't believe them. 

So, I sat in my bathrobe and wasted some time behind the computer and waited for my personal helper to show up. When I knew it was time for her to arrive, I shut the computer off and emptied the overflowing ashtray. She does smoke too, so I like to present her with an empty ashtray. Once she got here, I jumped in the shower and got squeaky clean and dressed in a clean set of clothes. I sprayed all sorts of delicious things on myself and Tyke had a very good sniff of me when I surfaced again. 

It does feel good to be a reborn person, if only on the outside. It makes you feel as if you've gone through a little metamorphosis, because there is such a big difference between you in your bathrobe and you in your nice clothes, all dressed up. I had very shiny clean hair and for a change I got it in the proper do all at once and sprayed hairspray on it to get it to stay that way. Even I liked the way I looked. And I'm a critic. 

We walked Tyke in the cold foggy morning air, with the sidewalks all covered in yellow leaves, and it was very pretty and I liked the way the air felt on my face. It was a very typical autumn day and perfect for the first day in November. The timing of the weather couldn't have been better, but it would have been very nice to have been out in the countryside to really appreciate it and the beautifully colored trees and the fields that are fallow now. You do appreciate this time of year when you realize what's up ahead and you want to take advantage of it all the more. 

We had coffee and a long chat when we got home and the domestic help showed up before the personal helper had even gone. I had the apartment full of help. I do so appreciate it and feel very lucky. The quality of my life has improved tremendously. When the personal helper left, the Exfactor showed up and had a cup of coffee also and told me about how he had had to work yesterday when the weather had been so beautiful. It had been unseasonably warm and the sun had been out in a bright blue sky in the afternoon.

As a matter of fact, when I had coffee with my sister, we sat outside the front of her house in the sunshine without our jackets on and it felt like a summer day. We stayed out there until the sun disappeared behind some houses and it cooled off to remind us that it was autumn after all. 

The Exfactor took my list of groceries and went to the supermarket on my bike with the large shopping bag and my bank card. The domestic help finished cleaning the apartment and when she was done, the Exfactor returned fully laden. The fun part is always finding room for all the groceries while Gandhi and Tyke try to poke their noses into everything and generally try to get in the way as much as possible, until I distract them with food, which is what it is all about. 

I had to change Tyke's dog food, as he ate the stuff I had for him very reluctantly. Luckily, he liked the new kind very much and ate it within the shortest amount of time. Gandhi also like it very much and I gave her a small portion on a little dish on the kitchen counter. She didn't realize this was her lucky day and that there are many lucky days to come. She does owe her luck to Tyke's generosity and his willingness to share. 

The Exfactor had another cup of coffee and then was off to do his other errands and I was finally alone with the animals again. Tyke's gone to sleep at my feet and Gandhi, who was locked into the room with a vacuuming domestic help, is now sound asleep in the armchair. She was very upset about the vacuum cleaner and walked out of the room very indignant when we rescued her. The poor cat does have a tough life here, what with all these people coming and going and wanting to be friends with her and saying how pretty and lovable she is. 

Oh, by the way, there was some doubt in my sister's eyes when I presented her with the cardigan that didn't fit me, but once she put it on, and saw that it fit and how nice it was, she was happy with it. So, I've done a good deed. 

Have a nice day all of you!

Ciao,
Nora

Waiting for the good guy...

I'm waiting for the Exfactor to show up. Since he never lets me know when he will get here, I can wait for hours and I have to keep myself busy in the meantime. I've done some chores and saw my SPN earlier this morning and now I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee trying to ignore Tyke who is breathing down my neck, literally. He is standing on the arm chair behind me and has his paw on my shoulder and his nose on my head. He is grumbling at me because I won't budge.

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In the meantime, I've walked Tyke and the Exfactor has showed up. He has now gone to the grocery store with my list and my band card and Tyke is eating. He takes a bite and chews it while he walks around the living room. It's called recreational eating. The Exfactor has got me an elastic brace that fits completely around the palm of my hand, including in the lower part of my thumb. It has been bothering me for a few days and I think it is due to handling the mouse of the computer. The brace feels really good around it and I will wear it for awhile and see if it gives me any relief. I can always go to the doctor if it gets worse. The brace also prevents me from making the wrong moves with my thumb, which is helpful.

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When I saw my SPN this morning, I could only conclude that I was in a completely sane state of mind. I was neither depressed not hypo-manic. I was as I wish always to be, completely "normal." Whatever definition of the word you want to apply to it, but you will know what I mean. This pleased us both very much and it put me in a good mood. I felt very much relieved that I had reached that point after the downturn last week. My SPN said it was because I had recognized what was happening to me on time and asked for help on time, and I said that I'm better able to do it each time because I'm not embarrassed to. I don't think anyone is going to think I cry wolf. So, I did alright then.

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I needed very little groceries and discovered that buying the dog food I always get is no more expensive at the store than buying it on line. As a matter of fact, buying it on line is more expensive because I have to pay delivery charges, and all this time I thought I was getting a good deal because I was buying it in bulk. No, I'm not, so burst that bubble immediately. From now on I'm buying this dog food at the store. The Exfactor had also brought a cigarette lighter with him without me asking for it, though I had meant to, because the one I had was almost empty of fuel. He must have gotten my telepathic message. That's a neat trick, I'm going to try that again.

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The domestic help did a good job cleaning yesterday. The spare bedroom is a damp room and as a result, the woodwork of the back door and of the window always gets very dirty with mildew and streaks from the water that drips down. She cleaned all the woodwork first and it looks like it has been freshly painted. Than she washed the window and the window in the back door inside and out and they are so clean that it looks like there is no glass in it. It's wonderful. The curtain that was in front of the window in the back door went straight into the trash bag. It had a bad case of mildew and dust. It was beyond salvage.

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Now all that has to happen is for the Exfactor to move all his boxes and shelf systems out and that room can be wallpapered and painted and have furniture put in it beside the closet and the chair that are in there already. It's a big room, so there is space for an extra bed and a work table. I promised myself that I would get artistic again as soon as I would have the space for it, so it needs to happen sooner rather than later. I think 2 years is a long time to wait for a room to get emptied out.

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Anyway, after much talk about his work and motorcycles, the Exfactor is gone again until Friday. He is a sweetheart, though, and I have to stay loyal to him. What other ex-husband would do the groceries once a week and come visit twice a week? Not many, I bet. I suppose I do serve a function in all of this too. I haven't quite figured out what it is, but I won't break my head over it. The arrangement is quite satisfactory to me, so I won't complain. I see enough of him to get my fill and appreciate him for who he is. Which is basically a decent human being. Let's not forget that. You don't meet many of those nowadays.

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I asked him to buy me a bag of apples and I'm going to try and eat one of those. I don't know if I can eat a whole apple, but I'm going to chew very carefully and eat as much of it as I can. I think I need the roughage and the vitamins. It will be a good addition to my diet. I haven't eaten an apple in a very long time and I'm looking forward to it. I didn't put them in the refrigerator because I like my fruit at room temperature. I think then you can taste the flavor better than when it's cold. So wish me a lot of luck with eating my apple. I'm going to eat it with the skin on and all.

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I hope you're all having a good day and nice weather. It's turned sunny and pleasant here after a very cool start. It was freezing at 6 am.

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Ciao,

Nora

Monday morning...

I slept nearly 8 hours, so I'm satisfied. I wasn't that tired when I went to bed, so I said to myself, "I'll give myself half an hour to fall asleep and if I'm not, I'll get up again," and, of course, I was asleep within 10 minutes. I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and repeated the same ritual and was asleep within minutes, maybe a few at most. One or two, maybe. Giving myself half an hour to fall asleep usually works very well, because I'm seldom awake longer than that. And it takes the pressure off, because I can just lie there and not worry about the time for a while.

Not too long ago, I would have gotten up in the middle of the night, but I have gotten over that bad habit and now go back to sleep like any ordinary person. I used to think that was impossible, but that was just a misunderstanding on my part and a fear of not being able to go back to sleep. That grew during my marriage and I hadn't gotten over it yet. So it's about time that I did. Doubtlessly it had to do with a heavily snoring husband or just another body in the bed taking up space. Now that I sleep on my own, a lot of that is much simpler.

I had a cup of coffee and am now drinking a glass of milk for my thirst, but I will have a cup of coffee again next. I need it to wake up properly, but I've already been out to take Tyke for his morning walk. There's a bright blue sky and sunshine, so it looks like it will be a good day. I didn't get to see a forecast, so I have no idea what the weather is supposed to be like, but I'll assume the best. The most I can do is look out the window and see if there are any clouds gathering.

I don't have much on my program today, except that the domestic help is coming and maybe the Exfactor will be by. I have to do the dishes before the domestic help gets here, otherwise she'll feel compelled to do them, which I don't mind, but it makes me look bad. The last thing I want to do is look like a lazy housewife. I try my best to have the place look good before she comes here. Isn't that funny? It's got to look clean enough so all she has to do is clean it properly. It does make sense. I'm not a messy person on my own. The dirt was old and I keep the place pretty clean. The Exfactor was like that character from Charlie Brown, the one who always had a cloud of dust and dirt hanging around him.

Oh, I'm yawning. It's time for that other cup of coffee.

Tyke is refusing to eat the food I gave him. It's something different than what he usually gets, because I'm almost out of that. This other food is really good, but he doesn't appreciate it at all. How do you deal with something like that? Do you take it away and keep offering it? Or do you get the original food? It's a mystery to me. I didn't know that he could be so stubborn.

The cats always get the exact same food and always eat it. They get the store brand fish menu. I never change it and they always like it. They are just dried kibbles, but it satisfies them and they have a great appetite for it. I suppose they aren't finicky cats. I guess I got lucky.

Speaking of food, I know I've lost weight, because I can tell by the way my jeans fit me, but I have no way of telling because of the lack of bathroom scale. I have to get another one as soon as possible, because I'm really curious. I have to hitch up my jeans with a belt and put it on the last hole there is. I'll have to find a smaller belt.

I have to get the show on the road now and decide what to wear. It will be fun to pick out clothes. I've got to put away the ones I've been wearing though, and in neat stacks.

Hope you have a great day!

Ciao,
Nora

Down the road...

Tyke and I went to the vet this afternoon to have him look at Tyke´s inflamed tear gland one more time. We had said that I would try the ointments for 5 days to try and get the swelling and inflammation down and then come back. The ointments hadn't worked and his eye looked just as bad, so today I made an appointment to have the tear gland removed. It will be done Monday afternoon and Tyke can't eat anything all day, so I have to make sure nothing edible lies around. I think that would include any old chewed up rawhide sticks, because he does have a tendency to swallow the soft pieces. I will be glad to get it done, because his poor eye looks terribly vulnerable now with that swollen tear gland sticking out. I´m afraid a cat will stick his or her claws in it. Tyke likes going to the vet, because nothing unpleasant has ever happened to him there yet and he gets treats. I wonder how he will feel after Monday.

We also mailed the card to my uncle and went home in a round about way, which Tyke liked because it took us on a path that we had not gone on before. Needless to say, he was quite excited and peed on every tree and bush. The hard part is keeping him away from semi-edible things that people have dropped in the gutter. He finds those so quickly and I have to be one step ahead of him. He still lets me take things out of his mouth, but I don´t know how long that is going to last. He´s so cute, though, when he runs ahead of me as far as the roll out leash allows. His little legs go so quick and he´s like a little kid gone wild.

I took a nap later in the afternoon and Tyke slept by my side. He didn´t seem to be interested to get into any sort of trouble, though I had just swept up all the little bits and pieces of various bits of carton that he had destroyed. I sometimes let him go ahead and make a big mess to get it out of his system. So, I had a nice nap and woke up quite refreshed. I made myself a cup of coffee and cuddled with Tyke, who will react to you very lovable if you say certain things to him in a certain tone of voice. You get many kisses then and he is all over you. So, every once in a while I do that to get my share of loving in.

I´ve solved the problem of what to wear by just putting on leggings and a pair of jeans and a sweater and by wearing my hiking boots. It´s very uncomplicated and I have many leggings that I can change whenever the need arises. The same with the sweaters. This way I don´t have to think about what to wear and what goes together and if I look good enough and fashionable. I really don´t give a hoot. The jeans are comfortable and so are the sweaters and I don´t have to worry about getting dirty. I wear a scarf and my leather jacket over everything when I go out and my outfit is complete and easily put together. A pair of gloves when it is freezing and I´m done. I´m still not wearing make up and I´m not planning on it in the near future. Maybe some day I will again, but I´m not in the mood for it now. It´s too fussy.

I´m very happy that it´s the weekend. In spite of everything, I do enjoy those days off as though they are a little mini break from my responsibilities, few as they really are. During the week I always feel a lot of pressure to do everything right and on the weekends I feel that I can relax and be a bit more at ease about things, because they are not official work days. The week days loom like large dark clouds on the horizon every morning and I wonder what the day will bring and what surprises it will have in store for me. I feel that I have to be on guard and I can drop that guard on the weekends and just enjoy myself. I´m sure it is that way for everybody and you all feel that relief and, after all, that´s what weekends are for. I remember when I had to go to school on Saturday mornings and my father had to go to work. We weren´t quite as enlightened then.

I´m waiting for the pharmacy delivery person to drop off some medication before I can take Tyke for a walk. I noticed just on time that I was almost out of antidepressants. I thought I had two more boxes, but that turned out not to be the case and I would have run out this weekend and that would have been really rough. You get hallucinations if you suddenly stop those. Talk about powerful medicine.

It was supposed to have started raining, but so far it is dry and it doesn´t look like rain yet. More often than not, the weather forecasters get it wrong for our little area of the country. We seem to have our own unique climate that doesn´t match the rest of the country and that is hard to predict. The forecast on the browser is constantly changing, from rain to sun to partly cloudy to sun again. It´s unpredictable. It says that it´s supposed to rain all day tomorrow, but by tomorrow it may say partly cloudy or occasional showers. You basically have to look out the window and see for yourself what kind of weather it is and what the sky looks like.

I´ve eaten dinner early and am more than full. I was completely off schedule today. Sometimes that happens and I eat when I get hungry and not when the clock dictates it. I usually eat two meals a day and that is more than enough. That makes me feel very full. Tyke eats twice a day too and I´ve found out now that if I just let him be and give him the time, he really does eat all of his food in his bowl. He just does it in stages in between all his puppy things. So I don´t worry about it anymore. He makes sure the cats don´t eat his food, that´s important. I don´t want the cats getting fat on his food. This puppy chow seems to have a special appeal to them.

The chairperson of the Socialist Party gave up her position because her party did so badly in the nationwide city council elections. Frankly, although this is not my party anymore, I think she is right to go, because I thought she was wrong for the job. She was too bitchy and not at all charismatic, which you do have to be in order to lead a political party. We have elections coming up on June the 9th and it was feared that the Socialist party would lose a lot of voters with her as leader of the party. They are hard at work to find a worthy replacement for her now and I´m looking forward to see the result of their search. Politics, man, it is exciting. The party I´m voting for has a very charismatic, feminist, ecological and equal rights warrior as leader and I like her very well. She is smart! I want to be just like her when I grow up.

Well, I´ll hang up now. It´s been a long story. Have a good evening and enjoy your Friday night.

Ciao,
Nora

A brand new day.

I'm just finishing my first cup of coffee and trying to properly wake up. I'm convincing myself that I am awake enough to write this post, that I have to in order to get my mind functioning well. I am sure there is some truth to that. I was so befuddled when I woke up, that I thought I would never think straight again. Instead of thinking that this was a mood, though, I realized that it was a temporary condition that would wear off as I woke up more and got my mind together, and that all the things I was worrying about would disappear as soon as I was released from my temporary state of mind. I have to have faith in myself and sometimes I am mighty short of that.

So, I'm not going to take anything too seriously right now and just let things be and not pay too much attention to them. I'll have another look at them in an hour or so when I have settled down more. In the meantime I can have another cup of coffee and enjoy the quietness of the morning, because Tyke is asleep by my feet and the cats are otherwise occupied.

Several times during the night Tyke climbed on top of me and licked my face and settled down to sleep there. He is quite heavy when you have him lying on your chest, but I didn't want to move him, because I found it very endearing. I just had to remember to breathe, but I did go back to sleep each time. In between those episodes, there were cats lying on top of me, but they were much lighter, I hardly noticed them. I am glad that I am so popular with the animals, at least as an object to lie down on. They probably love me too, but have an awkward way of showing it sometimes.

I tried to sleep in my bed last night, but for Tyke it was just an opportunity to explore the bedroom and get into all the things I had not thought of moving up higher on the bookcases. Every time I got up and moved the next thing, he found something else that was equally interesting. I finally gave up and moved to the sofa. Today I will have to move things in the bedroom and make it full proof so that there's nothing left for him to get into. He's surprisingly innovative, though, and can get to things that I think are impossible to get to. Well, I never did say that I wanted a dull dog, did I?

He's supposed to be eating his breakfast now, but is continually distracted by the world around him and, because I'm not sitting there with him, it's going to take him forever to finish what's in his bowl. I don't feel like sitting there with him until he's done. I think he needs to be able to eat on his own. Right now what motivates him is the chance that a cat may try to eat from his bowl, especially Toby. He minds it less if Gandhi does it, but it still will get him to eat... Well, I just gave in and sat with him and got him to eat some more, but I put the rest back in the bag, because he was not interested. He does have to know that there's a limited time he can eat in. He ate about half of it. Maybe that was enough.

Today is his birthday. He is one year old. Too bad he wouldn't know why he got a cupcake with a candle on it. To him it's just a day like any other day and I can't sing 'Happy Birthday' to him, because he won't have a clue.

All this talk about Tyke would have you think that he's somebody important in my life. I guess you would be right, because things do revolve around him right now. He's such a little ball of life and busyness that it's hard to ignore him.

The Exfactor is supposed to come by today and that will be very nice, as I'm out of supplies and I need someone to do groceries for me. My sister is working this week and is leaving for Italy for a week on Saturday, so I'm on my own. This is one of the reasons why I'm so nervous. I have some administrative work to take care of also and I'm not looking forward to it. It has to do with taxes and who ever liked taking care of that? It gives me a stomachache just thinking about it. I find it very difficult to take care of these things and can't bear the responsibility. I find it hard enough to take care of the day to day living. I really need someone beside me to take care of these things. Sometimes it's very difficult to be single.

Well, I suppose I'm wide awake now, so there's no more dawdling to be done. I must get the show on the road. I will look at my paperwork first.

Have a good stress free day. May all the Gods be kind to you.

Ciao,
Nora

Rain...

It's been raining non stop since I woke up this morning and even Tyke can't be fooled into going out into it. He'll quickly go out back, but looks at the sky to try to figure out what this wetness is that's sprinkling down on him. I let him out often, because he comes in so quickly that I get the impression that he hasn't done what he's supposed to do. To be on the safe side, he goes out every hour or so.

This morning his special puppy food was delivered that I ordered on line at my favorite pet shop. I ordered a 10 kilo bag and I'm curious to see how long it will last. Tyke has a good appetite and has been eating Jesker's left overs, but now I want him to eat more specialized food. He is growing, because I've had to move his collar up two notches. It was too tight. I noticed that when I was giving him an extended petting session yesterday. I don't want him to get fat and am constantly checking his belly for leanness. He doesn't get any food if his belly still feels a bit round. If it's empty, and it's time to eat, he gets food. I feed him in the morning and the evening and he gets a little snack in between as a reward if he has gone outside and done his business.

He's pretty easy to distract from negative behavior. I don't have to get cross with him, but just call him over and get his mind focused on something else. He really does do his best, although some habits are hard to break, such as wanting to dominate Gandhi over and over again. Gandhi is giving out very mixed messages and goes to look for him and parks herself right under his nose, so it's very confusing to Tyke who thinks she wants to play with him. He thinks it's all a game and that she is willing. He doesn't realize that she's a reluctant participant and confused herself. Tyke thinks they're married for life.

It just stopped raining and I went for a quick walk around the block with him. We met one of our neighbors with her dog and her dog was quite taken with Tyke and made advances. It was a girl dog at the ripe age of 12. She put all of her charms into it and Tyke was quite amused and flattered. He longingly looked after her when she went on her way with her owner. He would probably jump her if he got the chance. He's not as innocent as he looks, that feisty little thing.

It's been a long time since I've felt happy. It's been many months, but the last two days I sometimes feel little pinpricks of it. They are so tiny that they are hardly noticeable, but they are there nevertheless. I hope these pinpricks become larger and that they will turn into seconds and minutes and hours, but I'm afraid to hope for too much. I miss being happy. You don't know what you miss until you start feeling it again and now that I do on occasion, I want more of it. I long for it very much. It is a state of mind that I miss as much as blue skies and sunshine. It's awful to always feel like the colors black and gray and to never feel yellow and red. I don't know how I've lasted through all these winter months. It's been such a hell. All that's kept me hanging in there was the thought that there would be an end to it one day and the end is coming in sight now. I´m plain worn out from it.

The fact that there are the tips of leaves of plants showing up in the dark wet ground now gives me hope. Some shrubs have buds on them. It´s all full of promise and soon I will put this dark period behind me. Next year I´ll be smart and use the sunlight replacement lamp again, though I did not really believe in it. I´ll have to believe in it if I´m going to survive another winter. But I can´t think about that now. First I have to get ready for spring and thoroughly enjoy that and come back alive. I can start sitting on café terraces with my friend Yvonne again and take photographs of the world. I feel like I´m about to be let out of jail and join the human race again.

Well, so much for those ponderous thoughts. I´ve felt so trapped inside myself and inside that entity called winter that loomed so large around me with it´s darkness and cold and snow and ice and rain. I´m ready to be liberated from it.

This is the end of my epistle. While I´m typing this, I´ve been liberating Gandhi from Tyke´s amorous hold many times. I do want to break him of the habit.

Have a good day! Wish the rain away.

Ciao,
Nora

Early in the morning on a Wednesday.

It's early in the morning again and I have been up for a while. I thought I would take the opportunity when I felt rather good and write a post. That is, if my little dog is going to let me. He is playing with Gandhi right now, but wants to involve me in the game also. Oh, he's decided to lie down by my feet now and be quiet. That's good, it helps if he doesn't jump on the keyboard. It does enable better writing, technically speaking.

I didn't sleep well during the night. My stomach was upset and that bothered me quite a bit. I had a slice of salami before I went to bed and that did not sit well. My gastric band wanted to reject it. The best thing to do was to get up and have things settle down there. A vertical position helps, so does drinking something. A cup of coffee works as good as anything, because it isn't about acid, but about mechanics.

I have to clean house today, because my friend Yvonne is coming over tomorrow afternoon for a cup of tea. That's a good motivation to get some things done around here. I'll gladly clean the apartment if a friend is coming over. I can't think of a better reason to. Well yes, if the queen were to come for tea, but she has yet to let me know if she is. Though why that should matter so much is beyond me. I am a republican, after all, and I don't mean that as opposed to a democrat.

I'm also going grocery shopping with my sister tomorrow afternoon, even though I'm not out of supplies yet, having lived very frugally this past week. I don't know how that happened, but it just did and I have made everything last. I do have to buy special puppy food for Tyke, because he's been getting regular dog food now and I'm sure he needs the special nutrients that are in puppy food. He has a fantastic appetite and would eat nonstop if I allowed it and he likes everything. I'm not used to that.

I've not been reading much these past few days and am still stuck in the same book. I'm nearing the end, though, and will try to finish it today. Then comes the hard choice of what to read next, because I have so many unread books to choose from. I'm thinking of trying Anita Shreve next. I have quite a few of her novels. I was thinking of reading "The Pilot's Wife." Does anyone know that one?

Well, I'm going to take my medicines and lie down for a while. I may even eat some breakfast now that my stomach has settled down again. I'll watch the repeat of the news while I do that. It pays to stay informed.

Have a good day!

Ciao...

In the long run...

Late yesterday afternoon, Tyke and I went for a longer walk, because many of you agreed that he needed more exercise than he was getting on his little short walks with Jesker and I couldn't agree more. We left at about 4 o'clock and as it gets dark at 6, I figured we had enough time to wander around the neighborhood and pick the best route to follow. He thought it was great and couldn't move quickly enough from one interesting spot to the next, That meant moving from hedge to hedge and from tree to tree and from one blade of grass to the next. He set the pace and it was fast. He was just not quite pulling my arm out of my socket.

Unfortunately, I had misjudged the weather and wore my warm sweater under my winter coat and after a while I was very hot. It was much warmer outside than I had anticipated. I was also wearing the wrong boots and had sore feet about halfway through the walk. So I lasted 50 minutes and had to call it quits. Tyke easily could have walked another hour or two. Also, my condition isn't what it used to be. I have gotten used to the relatively short and easy rambles with Jesker and they are nothing compared to a long walk with Tyke.

Today I'm going again, but I'm not going to wear my warm sweater and I'm going to wear my hiking boots in the hope that I will last a little bit longer. I'm going to try and make two longer walks, but it depends on how much sleep I need and how much time that leaves me. I'm up in the middle of the night now after sleeping a few hours. No doubt I will go back to sleep later, but I may be up on time for a morning walk with him that's a bit longer.

Jesker gets exhausted moving from room to room, so I'm not going to bother taking him for walks anymore, as they seem to wear him out too much anyway. I will let him do his business out back and just take Tyke for walks and make them longer ones, because there is no sense in making these tiny little walks with the three of us. They don't do any of us any good, least of all Jesker.

I'm worried about Jesker and I don't think he is going to hang on much longer. I guess what I'm really saying is, that soon I will be faced with the difficult decision that I have to make and that is so hard. But I hear his breathing as he is lying here beside me and it is short and shallow, as if it requires effort. I want him to hang in there a while longer, but really I want to postpone the decision until there is no other choice. Until it is the only obvious thing to do, but I don't want him to needlessly suffer either. It is tough. I've had to had cats put to sleep and I felt bad enough about that. This, however, is my companion and my friend. He's more than just a dog.

I've turned the thermostat down one degree so the heater won't keep going on and it does make a difference, but I imagine that I'm much colder now, while one degree should not matter all that much. A cup of hot coffee sure tastes good then. I think I'm going to get my end of year bill in June, because that's when I became a customer of this energy company and I will find out how much extra I will have to pay on top of the monthly payments that I have been making. They've calculated me for a one person household, but the winter has been cold, so I may have used more gas than was predicted. I've also used the computer a lot, so I may have used more electricity, in spite of my energy saving light bulbs and the fact that I hardly watch TV. So it's all going to be a big surprise.

I just got two blue envelopes in the mail from the tax office and I thought that maybe they wanted more money from me because of the end of the year calculations, but luckily zero Euros were due. It's such a relief when the tax people let you know that you don't owe them anything else. It would be like plucking a naked chicken. There's no more to go around and they ought to know best. You never know when you get a blue envelope in the mail. It can be good news or bad news. This time it was semi-good news. It would have been better if they had owed me money. That would have been my lucky day.

It's only going to be 3C today and cloudy. We've had such nice weather these past couple of days, that you could almost imagine spring had arrived. Alas, it was of short duration. Next week we're going to have wintertime again with freezing temperatures and more snow, believe it or not. Such rotten luck! I do hate that and I sincerely hope that's the last of it, but that's what I hoped the other week too. Drats! In the north of the country they haven't been without snow for at least 7 weeks, so that's much worse. Thank goodness we're spared that.

Both the dogs are amicably sleeping at my feet as if they've never done anything else. There's room for both of them. Sometimes Tyke snores. It's very funny to hear such a little dog snore. Every time I get up to go to the kitchen, he follows me in the hope that something exciting will happen and I have to disappoint him every time. It's not nearly time for him to eat, but he does gobble down his food when he gets it. He acts like a starving person who hasn't had anything to eat for days or weeks. It's gone in no time. Jesker is not the least bit interested in eating.

Well, I'll go and read blogs. I'm behind in that and now is a good time to catch up.

I hope you all have a wonderful day when you get up.

Ciao...

Jesker's condition...

I just came back from this afternoon's walk with both the dogs and I could see that it was a real effort for Jesker. We walked very slowly and at the end of it I was worried about him making it home. He is confused again and got stuck in a corner in the entryway by the front door and I had to guide him into the apartment. He doesn't want to eat and I have to force his antibiotic pill, wrapped in a slice of salami, down his throat. His breathing is a bit labored as he is lying here beside me and I bet he's got a fever again.

Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do for him, but pet him and try to make him as comfortable as I can and not leave him alone. He wants to be as close to me as he can and luckily Tyke is getting over the worst of his sex drive. He's not nearly as bad as he was yesterday and leaves Jesker alone now for the most part. The attempts that he does make are halfhearted and I can easily stop him.When I do, he's very apologetic and wants to make up for it as quickly as he can. That's good, because Jesker just wants to lie beside me and be petted every so often.

For a change, I slept all night long. I think I went to bed at 11 pm and didn't wake up until 6 am. That's a record for me, although I think I one time slept for 8 hours. I can't remember when that was exactly. It was last year some time maybe. Tyke didn't get into any sort of trouble, but he did leave two surprises by the back door. At least his intentions were good, he was almost in the right place. I'll put a newspaper down there tonight, so it will be easier to clean up. It's amazing how easily you get used to handling a dog's surprises without gagging.

I'm not falling apart today. It must be because of those extra hours of sleep I grabbed this morning after I had already been up for a while. Sleep is my best friend, I need more than enough of it and more than 7 hours in a night. 7 Hours is not enough for me. I can't function on it.

This is taking me forever to write, because I have to pet Jesker and play with Tyke. It's like having two children who both need enough attention. Then Gandhi threw some books off the bookcase and Tyke started barking about that, because he thought that was scary and not at all the way the way it was supposed to be.

I just took some time out to clear the patio and the flowerbeds of evidence of dog. The more I looked, the more I saw. It's amazing what comes out of a small animal and what difference the sort of food makes. I have made up my mind about what I'm going to feed him now and what sort of snacks he's going to get. It's all a question of trying things out.

Well, I'm going to sit on the sofa in the company of my dogs. I'm sure we'll have a fruitful time. Poor Jesker needs lots of attention. He's lying between my feet now and I'm sitting here like a farmer milking cows.

Have a good rest of the day.

Ciao...

Friday at the best time of the day...

I'm saying that, but I don't know at all if it's true. I'm just saying it as a wishful way of thinking, to make it come true, because I'll be darned if I'm not going to feel well now.

I'm sitting here with a big glass of juice and a cigarette and the dog at my feet. Outside it's -3C, which is an improvement, because this morning it was -7C and that was just a little bit colder. My sister and I were at the grocery store before 8 am and we had to wait just a few minutes in the cold before the manager opened the doors. It makes you think of homeless people immediately and how they manage to get through the night.

We got our groceries done fast enough and were home by 8:30 am. I unloaded everything very quickly and had something to eat, but because I only had 6 hours of sleep, I realized I needed to go back to bed and sleep some more, which I did. Every once in a while I woke up, but I knew it wasn't time to get up yet, until it was noontime and I felt that I was awake properly and could face the day. I let the whole thing depend on my mood. If I feel at all down and out, I don't get up, but wait until that feeling is completely gone. If I get up too soon, I will be very miserable and suffer unnecessarily and think the world is coming to an end. I can't stand any suffering. I don't do it gracefully at all.

I think I'm very sensitive to emotional pain, or maybe everybody is and I just feel more of it quicker. I feel quickly overwhelmed by my emotions and feel like they roll over me like a big strong storm that I have little control over. I get upset and distraught very easily and scared that I will fall apart. I'm very much afraid that I will lose control over the scenario and that I will lose touch with reality. Sometimes I feel myself fall apart and fly into dozens of little pieces and I become very scared and I think I will not be able to gather myself back together again.

I'm happiest when I try not to feel anything. When I'm free of emotions, although I really don't know if I actually am at that point, or if I'm just happy then about nothing at all. Just about being alive, maybe. It's when I've managed to push every obnoxious thought away and my head feels empty of them and there's only room for pleasant thoughts for a while, however small and insignificant they are. It's the absence of pain. It's in the void of that that I'm alive.

Well, so much for serious words. I have to keep in mind that I'm decreasing my medication and that I'm going to feel some emotions now that I haven't felt for some time. They have been numbed by the medicines. I've just had to take an antipsychotic tablet and not wait until tonight, because I felt my mind going through the withdrawal from that. I would normally already have had two tablets of it plus the one I didn't have last night. That's a lot all at once. It melts on your tongue, so it enters your system quickly. All I have to do now is wait for it to work.

In the meantime, while I'm preoccupied with the workings of my mind, and how can I ignore them at this point, I still haven't gotten the stamps that I need for all the Christmas cards that I wrote last night. The little post office wasn't open yet this morning, so I couldn't get them. That means I either have to go there this afternoon, or get them on Monday when I send the packages with the books. Christmas is sneaking up on me this year. I didn't realize it was next week. In my mind it was still two weeks away. I hope I'm not the only one with this problem. Tell me I'm not! Even though it's freezing outside and we've had some snow, I just wasn't ready for it to be Christmas yet. It seems to come sooner every year, but maybe that's okay, because that means winter will be over quickly and it will be springtime soon. Spoken like a real optimist, right?

I know there are people in Canada who are a heck of a lot colder than I am, that's for sure. Our little cold climate is nothing compared to theirs. They really feel what winter is all about. They live in arctic conditions. So I won't complain about the cold too much. It's not that bad after all. I'll complain when it gets to be -15C. I think I'll have every good right to then. I don't think I have clothes warm enough for that kind of weather, although I do have a really good winter coat in a Russian kind of way. It's not very stylish, but it's warm.

It's taking me forever to write this, but in the meantime my medication is working and I'm feeling a lot better, so I know what to do now. Take one tablet in the middle of the day. I just can't last so long without one. It makes my mind do funny things. It makes me feel slightly desperate.

It's very dark in here. I only have the desk lamp on and the rest of the living room is shrouded in darkness. That's because it's so cloudy outside and it wouldn't surprise me if it started to snow again. I don't like for the living room to be so dark and it certainly isn't good for my plants. Those poor things have a hard enough time as it is under my 'green' thumb. I have to change the light bulb in one of the overhead lamps. It isn't very bright and it takes a long time to get up to strength. It's an energy saving bulb that comes to life slowly and then never really makes it's promise come true. I think I will do better if I change it for another one. I don't know why this one in particular behaves this way.

Do you think that 600 grams of wet food is too much food for a medium sized dog to eat? That is 21 ounces. It seems to be what the dog needs to be satisfied. I was giving him 400 grams (14 ounces), but that was leaving him hungry and scrounging the cat food. It's the best quality dog food there is made with lean meat and vegetables.

Well, that's all for me for today. It's taken me the better part of the afternoon to write this, just about. You've gone through a whole mood change with me. I don't know if you're aware of that.

Ciao,
Nora

Wasting no time and dressed warm enough.

Because it's such miserable weather outside, stormy and rainy with gusts of cold wind, I have dressed in a double layer of clothes this morning and I am so pleasantly warm, that I am surprised at myself for not having thought of it sooner, because I was suffering for naught and being very unhappy in the cold and hating every moment of it. Now I am nicely warm, in the apartment too even, although it isn't really cold in here, but it just feels that way. I've got my green scarf wrapped loosely around my neck and am wearing my comfortable boots with my thickest socks and I'm toasty warm. I don't feel a draft around my legs, because I'm wearing two pairs of leggings. It's true, I only imagine I feel a draft and think my knees are getting cold, but the power of suggestion does a lot to a body. I don't even want to imagine that I'm cold, I want to feel that I'm really insulated. I'm wearing a long sleeved stretch t-shirt under my long sleeved top too, so my top half is also warm.

This made a huge difference when I got on my bike this morning, cursing the weather and praying that it wouldn't rain again, and I almost made it to creative therapy without getting wet, but I was warm.

The good thing about waterproof mascara is that you don't look like a raccoon when you arrive at your destination. All these things you have to think about. You could wear a hat, but it will make your hair flat and funny and you will look like a goof ball and no amount of fussing with you hair will set it right. Without a hat, there is a chance that it will get wet and that in combination with your hairspray will also give you a funky effect when you try to rub it dry with a towel. You will look like a punker and that is very hip and modern if you don't mind that look. I personally mind it less than the flat and funny look, which makes me look like a nun without her head cap on.

I always wait for the rain to stop and I say many wishful little prayers and make deals with a higher being. As soon as it stops raining, I rush out on my bike and try to get wherever I'm going before it rains again. Sometimes I make it and sometimes I don't. Sometimes it starts to rain when I'm out walking the dog and he picks that moment to decide he's found a very interesting spot to sniff for a very long time, until it dawns on him that it is raining and that he doesn't like that and we can go home. Needless to say, we´re wet by that time. Luckily, I don´t much mind the smell of wet dog and it disappears when he is dry again.

The gusts of wind make you feel cold through and through and that is really what you have to dress for. It´s more miserable than a cold freezing day without wind.

My sister came and picked up the paintings from creative therapy today. All five of them and it was the first time she saw them. She liked them a lot and told me to sell them for a lot of money. I´ve got them stacked against the wall of my bedroom now and I don´t rightly know what to do with them. I´ll have to ponder on it for a while. I suppose I can hang some of them up on the wall space that I have left, but I don´t have room for all five of them and I really should try to sell them, but I don´t know how yet. I´ll think about that. The problem is, that I´m attached to everything I make and only want them to go to people I like. The other thing is that I like a lot of people and if I knew they got good homes, it would be good advertising for me too. Like the collages. I could send those to people in a tube, if I knew they would get properly framed at their destination. I know one person who has a shop. I need to get in touch with her and see about selling my stuff there. I also want to frame some things for myself to hang up in the living room.

So you see, you create and create, but what do you do with it? That´s the question.

I was tired of lugging cans of dog food home with me, so I went to a pet store on line and ordered dog food there. I figured out what I spend at the store every month and then picked out what I could afford. It will be delivered free of charge in a few days. The dog has a surprise coming to him. He is going on a diet and will be getting smaller portions and more dried food. I will have to be very strict with him and not give in to his sad looking cocker spaniel eyes when he refuses to eat the very good dried food. I got him the best and he has to eat it. It will be a matter of his willpower against mine, except that he can bark when he´s stubborn and wake up the neighbors. He´s got that trick all figured out. He knows if he barks early in the morning, he gets what he wants sooner.

A slice of rye bread is the size of a slice of cake, but then much thinner. I just can´t eat a whole slice of rye bread with luncheon meat on it. The last bite or two are for the dog. I have to pay close attention to the feeling in my little stomach above my gastric band and as soon as it gets the least bit of pressure on it, I have to stop eating. As a matter of fact, I should spit out the bite that I have in my mouth and not even swallow it. That will prevent all discomfort. I have to chew my food very well, really grind it into the smallest possible pieces before I swallow it. That´s why it was so easy to eat the porridge. It just slid down without any problem, but it was very fattening and I put lots of sugar on it. It´s no wonder I gained all that weight. Eating the rye bread is okay. It tastes good, but it is a lot harder than eating the porridge and not nearly as satisfying. But it does make me feel full and that is the main thing. I´m not feeling hungry and I really have to think about if I want to eat again. If I eat too soon, I will be extremely uncomfortable and that is absolutely no fun. I can´t stuff my face, which I suppose is a very good thing.

Shoot, do you see how I jump from one subject to the next? That´s the way my mind works. Never dwell on one thing for too long, get on to the next thing as quickly as possible. Don´t be dull and long winded. Be surprising and amusing.

Well, I´ve been amusing long enough now and I´m going to end this long ramble that´s not going anywhere in particular quickly. At creative therapy, I drew a big circle and filled it with little four leaved flowers done in pen and ink. Now I´m coloring them with a teeny brush and colored ink. It´s monk´s work and it keeps me off the streets.

Ciao,
Nora

A nice cup of tea.

I'm having myself a nice cup of tea. Gold Tea from the triangular bag, and a few spoons of sugar in it. I was just outside with the dog and a cup of hot tea sounded like just the thing to heat up my cold body again. I need the sugar for my sluggish brain, of course. It must wake up and function properly after that nice nap I took late this afternoon. The tea is very good, but I need to make it hotter the next time so it will brew better. I will do that with the next cup.

Nothing exciting at all has happened today. The repairman came and I have heat and hot water again and that is very nice, but it isn't very exciting. I've let the day slip away from me. I filed my income taxes for 2008 on line and it was only a little bit complicated, and I checked my bank account balance to see that I was almost broke. That was not a nice surprise, but saved me the embarrassment of standing by the cash register in the grocery store with not enough money to pay for the groceries. A loan from my sister provided the solution and I will go shopping tomorrow.

I will have to cut down on the amount of books I send each month through Bookmooch, although right now I am in popular demand and stagger my books over monthly shipments as much as possible. So far I've given 21 books and I have to send 22, but I have to make different arrangements for some of them. I have mooched 46 books and am expecting 21 more. I am working on the 4th cubbyhole in my bookcase and they fill up rapidly. I didn't think that I would get so hooked on mooching books, but I am and I get real greedy when I see books that are on my wish list that are available. The only way to get books, is by giving books, although you always get more than you give. I just got the shipment ready for November and will send those off on the 22nd.

Mmm...that second cup of tea is just perfect. I let the water get hotter and let the teabag steep in it for a long time.I forgot how nice a cup of tea can be, especially in the evening. It warms you up and is so soothing. I also have rooibos tea and I will have that next. Actually, what I need now is a nice chocolate bar, but I'm unwilling to go to the store to buy it. I won't sacrifice that much for it. Going out in the cold and dark on my bike, I don't think so.

In order to free a cubbyhole in my bookcase, I have to straighten out some of my administration. I have miscellaneous papers laying there that either need to be filed or tossed out. So that's a little job that I will do this evening or tomorrow. They are the kind of papers I'm not sure of what to do with and I don't know if they need to be saved or what. Just to be on the safe side, I will save most of them, I think. I may come to regret it if I toss them out. I will get the old punch hole out and file them in a two ring folder.

If I'm smart, I'll wash my hair first before I do that, because it's kind of unruly right now and I don't want unruly hair. It's got too much hairspray in it, that's why. It's got kinks in it from me lying on it. I'll also put my pajamas on, so I'll be all ready for bed when the time comes. Then all I need to do is jump in the shower real quick in the morning before I go to creative therapy. Well, I better not jump. I may slip and break my neck.

I thought I was out of dog food and was ready to cook rice and bouillon for the dog, but then I found a can of dog food and he got lucky. I had the dried kind, but he pretends he doesn't eat that. I have a whole bag full of the stuff and Jesker refuses to eat it even though it's supposed to be good for him. He is a spoiled dog.

I'm awfully hungry myself and must scrounge around the kitchen for something edible. I'm sure I'll come up with something. I've been known to eat jars of jam. Maybe there is some chocolate powder left to make hot chocolate with. That sounds like a good idea.

Well, adios my friends, I'm off to wash my hair and to sort my paperwork. Have a good night or a good rest of the day. I'm hoping for a nice long night of sleep.

Ciao,
Nora

Oh, let's go again, one more time...

My dear ex-husband was here this afternoon to do the groceries for me. It was his own idea, I did not even so much as whisper the question into his ear. He was really two days too early, but I did not turn him down. I'd rather have too many groceries in the house than not enough. A shopping list was quickly made and off he went in my leather jacket, because he could not wear his motorcycle gear. He has a pair of shoes here for when he has to do these jobs for me. Luckily, he is slender enough to wear my jackets and they fit him perfectly. He looked quite dashing in my leather jacket, but I won't give it up. I may give it up if he gives me his motorcycle jacker, or one like it. I do need a tough broad jacket like that. It will give me the right attitude. Right, sure it will! That, along with my shit kicking boots.

If you're wondering where I get this "tough broad" idea from, it is from admiring women who I think are very independent and who stand very solidly on their own two feet and who don't need a man to help them live their lives. Women who can earn their own living and make their own way in life and make their own choices, regardless of public opinion. I guess they all don't have to wear tough broad leather jackets and shit kicking boots, but that is how I would reinforce my image of being one. I'm not such a tough broad by nature, so I have to fake it a little bit. I suppose I'm still looking for my imago. What do I want to show me as to the world?

When it comes down to it, I'm just a very regular middle of the road woman. I don't stand out one way or the other, much as I would like to. So we're back to yesterday's theme and what it all comes down to is not the outside, but character that counts, and personality, and you can make that visible enough after someone has been around you for a while, if they take the time that is. I've never stopped and thought about this as consciously as I think about it now, though I have on some level been aware of it and paid lip service to it, as any modern thinking human being does. We all say that the inside counts, but we're all busy making sure the outside looks darn good.

Now is the time to test that out. I'm going to dress myself as nicely as I always do, and wear my hair the same way, but always wear my glasses and go without make up and see how people react to me. I'll have no eyebrows, because they are blond and invisible, and no eyeshadow and no eyeliner. Just a touch of mascara on my blond eyelashes, otherwise I'll feel so naked. Only on the top. Then I wonder what sort of impact I will make, or if it will make no difference at all. That's quite a thing to do for someone who is as vain as I am. Let's face it, I do like to think that everything I do makes me look better. Although just lately I'm having my doubts.

Of course, it will mean that I'll have to let my personality shine through a little bit better and not be such a silent onlooker. I'll have to be present. Make more noise, talk more, be more spontaneous. I'll have to practice that. Maybe I'll dare more if I'm more myself and not a painted up version who has to worry about the state of her make up and the condition of her hairdo. Maybe I'll learn to be a tough broad on the inside and I won't need the outside accouterments. Or...maybe I'll learn that I don't need to be a tough broad at all, but a gentle, sensitive one who has a heart and sensitivities and soft spots. Maybe that will be the real me and I'm artificially trying to be someone I'm not. I may just allow myself to find out. I may have to give up my membership in The Tough Broad Society.

How do you like all this mesmerizing? Isn't it fascinating? How to make yourself the most interesting subject of your own post.

One thing that was on the shopping list, was dog kibbles for little dogs, because Toby is hooked on the dried dog food from a particular brand and asks for it if the bowl is empty. However, I had the large kibbles for big dogs and this time I had the Exfactor get the kibbles for little dogs. I think they will be easier to eat and the dog may like them better also. We'll see. It is funny to see Toby chow down on that food. I've never seen him eat with so much appetite. You'd think it was candy I put in front of him. He has gained a little weight, which is good, because he was too skinny for some reason and now he looks normal. He's a big cat and can stand the weight. I'm hoping Jesker is going to lose weight, but I can't tell, because I can't get on the scale with him and see how much he weighs at the same time. It's a two people job. I'll have to weigh him the next time we're at the vet.

I'm expecting the pharmacy to make a delivery of some pills that are the lighter dose of the Temazepam. My psychiatrist is allowing me one a day until he sees me on Monday so we can discuss the need for them. He is being a cautious man. I still had some and took one this afternoon and ended up taking a nice nap and feeling better the rest of the day. I have no qualms about taking pills and I am not worried about becoming hooked on them, as I've always been able to decrease the doses when that was necessary. My medication is my best friend and it helps me think straight when I can't do it on my own.My life has never been easier than when I started taking the right medication in the right dose and the right combination and I've become an expert at tweaking it. I always know what I need and when something works. I would like to eliminate one of my anti depressives, but I need to discuss that with my psychiatrist and it will have to be done slowly. I think I can do without one of them, but that may be wishful thinking. I will just have to try.

It's still early in the evening. The apartment is nice and warm, but the heater hasn't gone on at all yet. Still, with the windows closed it is 21C in here, so the neighbors must have their heaters on. I don't like to have the windows closed, but it does make a difference in how warm it stays in here and there's no draft now. I'm still in my clothes and haven't changed into my pajamas, but I will do so shortly. There's nothing cozier than sitting around in my bathrobe and slippers and watching the news on television. The long political drama and the endless human one. That part is not quite so cozy. You do get immune to some degree, though. Hardened, almost, under the onslaught of misery.

I hope you all have a good night or that you are still having a good day. We had a partly rainy and partly sunny one here ourselves. Real Autumn weather.

Ciao,
Nora

Publishing.

I've published a story I wrote about 18 years ago on Facebook and have gotten excited responses to it. This is very encouraging and caused me to rewrite two poems as pieces of prose on the Six Sentences website and you can read those here and here. This has gotten me interested in writing more of these kinds of pieces and I'm hard at work to come up with more.

I've been sleeping erratically and have not had a normal night yet. I'm always up some part of the night, if not the whole night. Last night was a little bit better and I actually slept for 5 hours. The night before that I was up all night and functioned all day. I can't believe that I did, although I had a bit of a dip in the afternoon and didn't feel like getting the groceries that I ought to have gotten, so I only picked up a few things and will have the Exfactor do the rest today. Sometimes grocery shopping on my bike is more than I can handle and I gladly leave it to someone else to do.

I am done with my fourth painting and I am mildly pleased with it. I think maybe I need to add something to it and I will look at it again on Friday and see what that is. It has an unfinished feel to it and maybe that is why I only feel mildly pleased and didn't take a photo of it. Things don't always turn out the way you had planned, sometimes they need a little tweaking.

I've just taken a nap on the sofa and feel a bit better now. I was sitting in this chair like a limp dishrag. In the meantime, the Exfactor has come and done the groceries and I see that the store charged me more money for the dog food than I thought it was, but that must be because I buy the senior chunks and the price on the shelf must be for the regular chunks. It's a difference of 2 euros. That's very dear to me. He gets regular chunks from now on. It's expensive enough as it is. Man, why is good dog food so expensive? I don't want to feed him the junk dog food, yet you are almost forced to because of your budget. Anyway. I've got a lot of food in the house now, so I shouldn't have to go to the store soon. I hope not anyway. I can't afford it.

Now that I'm writing literary prose, I'm missing my inspiration to write a really good post. I sit here and try to think of something sensible to write and it just isn't happening. My head is busy doing totally different things. It is composing and becoming confused in the process, because I'm doing it in two languages, while I just need to do it in one. I must be a little bit addled because of lack of sleep.

Forgive me for writing such a short post, but I just can't think of a thing to add that's interesting. I hope I get out of the doldrums fast.

Have a good day, enjoy the weather if it's good. If not, be cozy inside.

Ciao,
Nora

Wednesday evening.

I took a two hour nap this afternoon and when I woke up, my short hair was in as good a shape as when I lied down two hours earlier. That's the benefit of having super short hair, it does not get messed up, which leads be to believe that it wasn't cut properly the last time I went to the hairdresser and it was supposedly cut short, but not short enough and I, with my eagle eyes, did not spot that, but from now on I will be alert to it and always make sure that it's cut to half an inch in the back and on the sides and even shorter in my neck and around my ears.

Tomorrow morning I have to go to the little post office in the supermarket and mail some packages, and I'm going to bring back the cans of dog food that I still have and buy something different for Jesker to eat. Something smaller and more nutritious, that's still flavorful and meaty. I want to do that, because I want him to get the bulk of his nutrition from his dried food, although it's going to be a bit of a stand off between the two of us. He will want to hold out for canned food and I will offer him dried food after he has had his small meaty meal. He won't know I'm doing it for his own good, but he'll have to get used to it.

I also have to go to the pharmacy to pick up my very important mood stabilizer, because I'm almost out of that one. I'm using Topamax, which was developed for epilepsy and migraines, but which is used successfully for bipolar disorder. It is the one medication that has helped me the most. It has made all the difference in how low and how high I get and has really evened me out, as far as that is possible. I still have my ups and downs, but they are nothing compared to what they used to be. I recommend this medication to anyone for whom Lithium hasn't worked. Oh, I'm not a professional. I don't think I'm supposed to make recommendations.

I have to be home all afternoon, because that's when I expect delivery of my new clothes that I ordered. They get here some time between noon and 6 pm, so that is a long wait. I'll have to get my errands done in the morning and walk Jesker before noon. Not that it's a problem. I should be able to get the show on the road on time. I just don't know when the little post office opens, so I'll have to call about that. There's a sign hanging up there with the opening times, but because I'm never wear my glasses, I can't read it, which makes me think I should wear my glasses, because today my right eye was acting funky and I noticed that I was not seeing well with it. Well, it is -3, so what can you expect? It's only vanity that prevents me from wearing my glasses, isn't that shallow of me? And nobody ever notices when I'm wearing them. I'll put them on tomorrow.

Tell me which one of you wears glasses and would rather not, but does it anyway because they see better with them? Help me get over my complex!

Well, it's time to go to bed. I'll put my pajamas on and have something to eat and then snuggle under the duvet with my book. Getting my pajamas on is always the best part. It means I;m officially out of function for the day, although I'm a little bit late with it tonight.

Sleep tight, have a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

A Brand New Saturday...

Yes, with my third cup of coffee and the back door open on a rained upon patio, with the trees and bushes dripping with rain and I think that is so wonderful. Everything is drenched and I hope it will rain some more, except for the time when I have to go to the supermarket to do the grocery shopping, because I do not want to be drenched myself. I do draw the line somewhere. Also, my bags on the bike aren't rainproof as far as I know, so I don't want to come home with wet groceries, although everything is packaged very well and it shouldn't matter, but I would have to dry everything with the dishtowel first before putting it away and that is too much work for me. Especially considering that I'd be drenched myself and would need a good rub with a large towel myself.

Oh, the joys of riding a bike in inclement weather. Well, never mind, rainwater is good for your hair and it's supposed to be good for your skin too, although I'd rather depend on my moisturizer for that. I do have the secret belief that It will prevent me from getting the wrinkles I don't deserve yet and keep me youthful looking, although I think that's more a question of genetics and keeping out of the sun. I wear my sunglasses in order not to get those squinty lines in the corners of my eyes.

I don't know if my sunglasses are very good, since I got them for free out of the lost and found at the filmhouse, and they aren't even in the latest style, so I am not at all fashionable and I should be walking around with those enormous sunglasses that cover half your face and let people know how chic you are. I don't even know which brand I ought to buy now in order to be really hip. Or is that term outdated? Let's face it, except for my clothes, I am an outdated woman, who is hanging on by the skin of her teeth to keep up with all the latest styles and I really should read more fashion magazines to know what in the world is going on. I doubt very much I could make it to the catwalk with my selection of clothes. I am probably running just a little behind all the time in my own interpretation of what is fashionable and very modern.

I shop at one store only that's continually getting in new collections and I need to go there often to see what the latest offerings are, because the turnovers are quick and items go on sale in no time. I only shop off the sales racks and get things as cheap as possible, but lately my shopping has consisted of buying a very cheap few items, as my budget forces me to make choices between one thing and another and from this point on, I am going to be spending more money on books, which also excites me to no end and gives me the same satisfaction as buying new clothes does.

After checking my bank account this morning, I ordered two new books at Bol.com that should be here in about 4 days. They are The Secret Scripture by Sebastian Barry and The Robber Bride by Margaret Atwood. Maggie May suggested the former book to me and Margaret Atwood speaks for itself. I am hoping to finish the Road Home by Rose Tremain in the next couple of days. That's the book I am having such a hard time with, but I will finish it. I'm more than halfway through it and I can finish it quickly if I dedicate myself to it.

I have been wearing jeans all week and they have been most comfortable. It is because they are not tight one me and I can move around in them easily. I forgot how comfortable jeans were and I have another pair that I can wear, so I'll be putting those on next. I have been wearing skirts and dresses all year and thought I would never wear jeans again, because I thought they were unbecoming to me. Well, guess again. It isn't so. There goes another myth out the window.

I have to eat now and drink some juice and maybe take a little nap instigated by reading my book. Just a little shut eye.

Have a good day!

Ciao...


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