Comfort zones...

At this moment, but pretty much all throughout the day, I want to take comfort in the ordinary little things. The things that don't require a lot of effort to surround myself with or to perform as rituals. They are all meant to soothe my mind and give me a sense of security which is sometimes hard to come by. 

I should be thankful that there are always those times in the day and night that are sacred and that allow me an awful lot of peacefulness and serenity. They are long times out from more fraught periods during the day when I am more unsettled and on edge. 

I blame this on the fact that my sleep schedule is all screwed up and that I often haven't had enough sleep at night. It does tend to make me feel uneasy. The best thing to do when I feel that way is to take a nap. Usually I wake up in a much better frame of mind. 

Since I cut down on my sleep medication, I don't nearly need the amount of coffee that I used to drink and caffeine plays a much smaller role in my life now. When I wake up, I have one cup of coffee and I very often don't even finish drinking it. That's almost one less addiction in my life.

I have lots of tea in the kitchen cupboard and maybe it is time to start drinking it again. It is easy enough to make a small pot of it in the morning to see if it will suffice in getting the day started. I can try green tea with lemon or rooibos. I even have rosehip tea but I don't like the taste of it that much. I think I'll pass on that one. 

I've put clean sheets on the bed tonight and I think I'll go try them out now. I know they smell very good. I've also got clean pajamas on so I'm all set. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Dream a little dream of me...

I'm sitting here in my bathrobe with cold hands and cold ankles. I only have myself to blame because I haven't turned up the heater. I want to be stoic and pretend I don't need to because I will go back to bed again shortly. Besides, it really isn't that cold in here and the rest of me is warm enough. It's only the exposed bits that are chilled. I did just started drinking cold milk so the inside of me will be chilled too soon.

I didn't have an internet connection when I first got up, but I had been warned by my provider that I might not have because they were going to be working on the network during the night. After waiting patiently for some time and reconnecting the modem a few times, I had my connection back and could do all the fun things I'm used to doing when I get up during the night. I do have to perform my rituals before I can go back to sleep. 

Yesterday I received a Christmas care package that I'm sure my personal helper arranged for me. It was rather a large box and in it were all sorts of good foods that are perfect for this holiday season. It will keep me from having to buy some things that I had on my shopping list. There was even a bottle of wine in it and a package of coffee. It was a complete surprise as I had not expected one this year. 

Yesterday was sort of an odd day. I felt out of sorts and couldn't concentrate on anything. I was aware of the fact that things needed to get done, but I felt unable to do them. I decided in the end that the day was going to be a waste and not to worry about it and that I would catch up later when I felt better. I didn't get back to normal until the evening when I finally landed back to earth and felt connected again. By that time I had to go to bed, but at least I went to sleep in a good state of mind. 

Of course now, during the night, I'm very capable of rational thought and I can think about the day ahead with much clarity and it all seems very simple. I hope I still feel that way when I get up again in a few hours. I always have much courage during the night, but it seems to leave me during the daytime hours.

I will go back to bed now and get under the warm duvet. Outside it is very cold and it feels like -11C. At least it isn't snowing. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Can't make up my mind...

I was already in bed but found it impossible to go to sleep. I got up again and now I'm drinking coffee because I didn't know what else to do. It's such a ritual that I automatically made a pot. I normally sleep first though, but I don't mind, every new experience is one to be savored.

It's not quite coherently that I sit here. I'm under the influence of my sleeping pill and I'm waiting for the effect of it to wear off. I don't quite like the way it's making me feel. I'm hoping the coffee will do the trick, but it's making me burp something awful. The sound effects are out of this world.

Sooner or later I'll end up going to bed. I will get tired enough in the end and get the sleep I need. I've already set the alarm clock for 7 am. That's when I'm planning on being up again. I have some things to do and the day is going to start early. I'm getting up an hour earlier so I can drink my coffee contemplatively. 

I lightly decorated myself with make up today and was pleased with the effect. I didn't overdo it, so it was not too much of a shock to my system after having had a bare face all this time. The most fun was trying out the lipsticks to see which one would last the longest. I kept having to reapply them after having had something to drink.

Luckily, I still had a face wash to remove the make up with when I got ready to go to bed. I used that with a warm wet washcloth. I applied a night creme afterwards and now have a soft skin. I'm actually starting to care again and making a fuss over myself. They're good deeds I do for myself. My skin deserves it. Wearing make up makes me pay more attention to my face and its care.

It's good to be a woman and indulge in taking care of yourself and paying attention to the little things. They are all small ways to pamper yourself and give yourself the tokens of affection that you need. They are things that nobody else is going to do for you. They're little rituals that you perform for yourself and can be very nurturing and restful. If you end up looking especially nice, then that's a bonus. It's icing on the cake. 

I'm already making my resolution for the next year and that is that I'm going to take good care of my appearance and I don't mean my clothes because those are alright. My whole self image is going to change and improve and that includes my hair and the perfume I will wear. I'm going to give myself an overhaul and it will be a long term project. I will give myself a whole year to achieve it. I do have the patience for that.

I will go to bed now. I do need to get some sleep before it's morning. I have sat here and dawdled quite a bit and I've gotten sidetracked a few times. I have to take good care of myself because if I don't, who else will? 

Ciao,

Nora

The dog made me do it...

The dog woke me up when I wasn't nearly ready to and now I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee yawning my head off. I will come to my senses soon enough and it isn't half bad being up because I was going to be sooner or later anyway. The timing is just off a little bit. I had expected to sleep a little while longer. 

At least I'm not taking those god awful tranquilizers anymore that would have made me sit here in a stupor. I'm at least sound of mind and capable of thinking straight. Nor do I expect to hit a high when the caffeine has completely entered my system. I'm safe on all fronts and that makes me feel ever so much better. It's nice to sit here with my head screwed on straight. 

The dog, of course, doesn't want anything from me now. He apparently just wanted my company and no doubt was bored all on his own in the dark. That's the way it usually goes. I get up and he lies down somewhere and goes to sleep. 

The cat was sleeping on my pillow and had left just enough room for me to put my head down. At least she was that considerate. She takes up two thirds and I get the rest. She was kind enough not to pass gas. I do have to give her that.

Early yesterday morning, before I went back to bed, I sat in my armchair and read my novel while I drank glasses of ice cold milk. I read for about two hours until I got a backache from sitting in the chair. Apparently, it's not the best chair to sit in. I may have to move my place of operation to the other side of the room where there's a more comfortable chair. 

Once I was back in bed, I slept for another three hours, but I was bright eyed and bushy tailed when I got up. Well, that's exaggerating it a little bit, but I wasn't feeling any pain. A few cups of coffee were all it took before I could get the show on the road, but I think I could have done it after just one. I like to postpone the moment I get into action. I like to sit and ponder my navel for a while. 

I had to choose what to wear and what was appropriate for the warm weather, but I decided to boycott it and wear what I felt like wearing and what was in keeping with the temperature it was inside, which was a lot cooler. I didn't feel like wearing skimpy clothes. To me it was autumn and I wanted to wear the kind of clothes that were more in keeping with that season. Call me stubborn if you wish. 

I like the slant of the sunlight and the color of it. You could say that this season agrees with me very well and it's not because of the weather. It's the general atmosphere of it and the color of the leaves on the trees. Somehow it all feels very familiar and comfortable to me and I feel at home. Even frost in the morning wouldn't change my mind, although any snow or ice would, but I'm not expecting them. I'll have to perform a ritual to keep them away. 

I feel like I had a busy day yesterday, but I didn't do anything special except for some chores and walking the dog. The day passed by quickly. It felt like a full day when in reality it wasn't at all. I'm not complaining about it. That kind of a day is very pleasant. It means that I was very comfortable with myself and didn't get in my own way. I was my own best company. 

Today I have my last appointment with my SPN. I've bought a present for her future baby. It is strange that I will not see her again after today, but next week I already have an appointment with my new therapist and so you see, life continues. It just takes on a different form. The substance will be the same. 

I hope you will all have a wonderful day or that you are still having one.

Ciao,

Nora

Bullocks?

For some reason, I find myself up very early in the morning and, although I'm putting it off, I'm going to have to make myself a pot of coffee. I've already had to take my medicines because I felt that I was not functioning well without them, so I'm waiting for them to start working now. Soon I will be all sorted out and I will be like a newly reborn person. 

If you get all the ingredients right in the morning, nothing will stand in the way of a good day, right? That's my brand of magical thinking. If I follow all the rituals, it's bound to turn out alright. So you see, I'm actually a very animistic person and should have been born in a more primitive society. I could have been the shaman. 

I don't know why I'm up so early in the morning and if I'm going back to bed in a while. There's no reason for me to be up already. It's not like there is a mess of chores waiting for me to do. It's not even dawn yet. I do have to say that I'm in an excellent mood, but that may be a temporary condition. I'll take advantage of it while it lasts. I never know if these things are going to stay with me all day. I'm as changeable as the Dutch weather.

Well, lets just assume for one day that I'm not and throw the whole myth overboard. Let's assume that my mood can be steady just like anybody else's. It's not necessary to move from one extreme to the other. I can just resolve to stay in this mood. And why not, why should it suddenly be any different? Is it because a butterfly flapped its wings somewhere in China?Is it as mysterious as that? 

I'm overly sensitive to the slightest nuances in my environment. I'm too much aware of them. I have to develop a little bit of a thicker skin and not get off kilter so easily. Hopefully that's not too late at my age. I can't live in a sterile bubble. 

I've decided that I'm going back to bed for a while. There's nothing to keep me up yet. It's too early to start the day and there's no need to rush anything. The chores can all wait until later and it will be too noisy to turn the washing machine on now.

I'll take my cheerfulness to bed with me and hope I wake up with it too. Let's just assume that I will. Always assume the best scenario, right?

Have a great day!

Ciao,

Nora

Conversations in the night...

I had gone to bed early and had been asleep a few hours when the dog woke me by very gently and quietly barking by the side of my bed. It was almost as if he was afraid to wake me up but had to do it anyway. It turned out that he had to go out back to do a piddle and when he was done, he wanted a milk bone as a reward. He got one of those because he had not had one that day. 

I got back in bed, but the dog decided to be cozy and got on the bed also and sat on my head. I moved him off, but he stuck as close as he could, making it hard to breathe. He wanted to be cuddled, but I was not exactly in the mood for that. I tried unsuccessfully to go back to sleep with that animal breathing down my neck and his fur tickling my face. I finally gave in and got up and now he's sound asleep in the armchair, as innocent as the puppy he still is in many ways.

I wonder if he wanted me to get up because he's so used to it. I'm supposed to guard over him while he soundly sleeps in the armchair and the cat sleeps on the sofa. It is sort of a ritual that we have developed. I may have taught him bad habits. The whole time that I'm up, he does nothing but sleep deeply and snore and I'm his guardian angel. I suppose he likes being in the living room better than the bedroom. There are better places to sleep. 

This was a short course in how to analyze your dog's behavior. He's now lying down by my feet and I can't move for fear of stepping on him. I'll have to wait for him to move again before I make any other radical plans tonight.

Of course, I don't have any radical plans for tonight. I never do because I'm an obedient citizen and I never do anything wild and out of the ordinary. Besides, so much is legal here that I would really have to do something crazy to be really radical. I'll most likely have a very quiet night sitting here having only adventures in my head and daydreaming about what I would do if I were completely at liberty and obviously, I don't hang out with the right people. You do have to move in the right crowd, one that is equally minded. 

Sometimes cynicism seems to get the upper hand and I don't know if I have any ideals left.  I think I may have a shortage of them, but it's not good for a person to only be a cynic.  You can't dismiss any kind of political and social movement because it tries to unify an idea and I'm not talking about populism, which is a very bad idea and a bandwagon I won't get on. 

I hoped that there would be a bigger rise from the ranks of the female population in all levels of politics and industry and that this influence would change the course of decision making, but I don't see it happening.  That's still an ideology I want to believe in, but I'm not necessarily happy with the quality of women that are rising to the top. They only want to seem to prove the point that they are as tough as men are. Truly incompetent men, at least politically here in the Netherlands. I'm tired of men in gray suits with solid ties and their token female equivalents. 

Enough of that seriousness. It's too heavy a subject so late in the night.  It needs more frivolity than that. 

I'm awfully short of frivolity, though, so I better stop writing. I'm getting a bit tired so it may be necessary to go to bed. I always say that and never do until the wee hours. I always feel compelled to stay up longer and get into more trouble. Tomorrow is Saturday, so it doesn't matter what time I get up. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

There she comes...

I managed to sleep until 8 o'clock this morning. It was with amazement that I looked at the alarm clock. I don't know how I did it, but somehow I pulled it off. I am very pleased. That means I slept almost nine hours and I will not have to take a nap today. Hallelujah. I will make it through the day just like a regular person, and that is good, because today both my personal helper and my domestic help are going to be here. I will be alert and approachable and in a good mood. Not that I'm always in a bad mood, but I'm more absentminded when I'm sleepy and tired and forget to be very sociable. 

I'm having my second cup of coffee and my third cigarette. I've just taken my medicines and am waiting for them to start working. It's the regular morning routine like so many other mornings, except that I'm doing it later than usual now. Tyke is sitting on his perch on the dining table looking out the window and seems to be completely fascinated by whatever he sees out there. At least he is happy for now. That gives me time to sit here and write and wake up properly. I may be writing this, but I'm on automatic pilot still. I will function well after I've had the second cup. 

Well, the secretary of the Green Cross just called to say that my personal helper is sick, so she won't be coming this morning, which gives me a sea of time. Now I don't have to sit here and rush through this. I was a little concerned about the timing and getting this done before she got here. I'm still sitting here in my bathrobe and I was to take a shower when she got here and get into my clean clothes, so I suppose I will do that on my own now.

It didn't snow last night like was predicted. I suppose it didn't get quite cold enough. It did rain, but this morning the sun is shining and it's going to be 33F, which means it's going to be a nice day, because there will hardly be any wind. It will be nice to go out for a walk with Tyke. 

Because it's Friday again, I'm extra motivated to make it as pleasant a day as possible. It's the pre-weekend day, which is as good as it being the weekend. Sometimes it's hard to remember to enjoy the times that don't consist of responsibilities, although there are many moments of it during the week. I usually have just enough stress with me to not be able to relax completely until the weekend, while really I have no reason not to feel that way during the week. I really need a change of attitude, but I never realize it until it is almost weekend and I see that I have been stressing again during the week.

I look like the wild woman of Borneo. My hair is sticking up all over the place and it is strictly from sleeping on it. There's no hairspray or wax in it. If I didn't know better I'd say static electricity was the cause of it and maybe it is dry enough in the apartment to have caused it. I have had the heater on. It will probably be better once I've washed my hair. 

The mailmen are on strike because 3,100 of them are going to be laid off and be replaced by part time mail deliverers. That's what they will be called. There was no mail yesterday and there will be no mail today, so no reason to go look in the mailbox. Privatization of mail services is a large cause of it and the fact that people send less mail, doing things by email now. I don't think the tide can be turned. We are starting to live in a capitalistic society. Woe is us. 

I have to go and walk the dog. It's time to get the day started. Be at your very best, always. 

Ciao,

Nora

Have another cup, please.

It's early in the morning and I'm very contentedly sitting here drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarettes. In other words, I'm going through my regular morning ritual. I've read blogs and commented on them and had a good time doing that. It's always very interesting to see what pictures and stories people come up with. It's a comfortable routine and a good way to start the day. 

I'm sitting here with my bathrobe on and my comfortable slippers that Aims made for me. They are very soft and warm and the best things to wear when you have cold and sore feet. Tyke is fascinated by them and can't figure out what happened to my feet when I wear them. He follows me around and tries to bite them as if my feet are trapped in there. When I don't wear them, I put them away very carefully in a high spot. I don't want any surprises. 

The rain has stopped for now and they say that the river is not going to flood, despite the amount of water that went into it here and in Belgium. There's supposed to be more rain today, but tomorrow the weather is getting better and we'll even get some sunshine. There was a lot of rain yesterday and it was almost impossible to take Tyke for a walk. My hair has dried up funny and I'll have to wash it, because it sticks up in unexpected places and is completely flat in others. 

The day went by quickly yesterday, despite the fact that I didn't do anything special, except for hang up a load of laundry to dry and wash one load. Of course, I slept very late and I went to bed early. As a matter of fact, I couldn't wait for it to be late enough to go to bed and I watched TV until it was. 

I do think lying in bed, listening to the radio until I fall asleep, is one of my favorite things to do. I don't care much about what I watch on TV. There's not that much on at night that I really care about. It doesn't matter if I miss a program, I'm not addicted to one. Listening to the radio while lying in bed is very cozy and I don't even mind if it's a report of a football game. I do learn to recognize the names of the players and their teams. 

I don't have anything on the program today, except that I'm supposed to go to my sister this afternoon at three o'clock. If the weather is bad, she's going to come and get me. I assume it will rain. I'm not willing to take the chance to get soaked on my bike. I do hate getting really wet. A little bit is okay, but soaked to the skin is another matter. Despite the fact that I live in a wet country, I don't have any rain clothes. That is something I need to rectify one of these days. I think I've said that before already. 

I do miss having a clothes dryer now. I very much would like to have one and not have to wait for things to get dry on the clothing rack. Some day, when I have the money, I would like to buy a combination washer/dryer. It must be possible to buy those second hand. There is man in town who deals in these things, maybe he has something like this at times. I'll have to get in contact with him and ask him if he ever does. 

I'm going back to bed in a little while to get the rest of my sleep. It's too early to stay up and, besides, it is Sunday and there's nothing better to do. It won't be light for a while yet and even then it will be gloomy and there will be no action outside whatsoever. It will be a good day to stay in bed and sleep late. If I were a farmer, I'd go milk the cows now and feed the chickens. Alas, I have no such luck. 

I'm starting to yawn, so it is time to go. I don't want my jaw to get stuck. It did again the other day, but I got it unstuck very quickly. It's a bit of a shock every time it happens. 

Have a nice Sunday. I hope your weather treats you right. 

Ciao,

Nora

About the little things...

I'm sitting here late in the evening with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. I've already been to bed and asleep, but Tyke suddenly started to bark as if something was wrong. That woke me up in a hurry. I heard a car drive away, so that must have been it. He is over alert sometimes. I suppose that makes him a good guard dog, but I don't think the neighbors appreciate it. I generally do try to keep him quiet, so that I will get no complaints. 

Like I said, it woke me up in a hurry and my heart was in my throat. Talk about an adrenalin rush. I was afraid he was going to repeat himself and thought I had better get up. He is now sound asleep on the sofa with Gandhi and everything seems to be back to normal again, except that I am up and awake. I will try to go back to sleep at a later time when I am calmed down again. 

My upstairs neighbor has come ringing my doorbell once late at night and I don't want a repeat of that. It does make me nervous. He's very sensitive, because he is in the autistic spectrum, and uses that as an excuse not to be allowed to be bothered by anything. 

Anyway, I have to start the going to bed ritual all over again, so I will be here for a while yet. 

After I spent the day comatose because of the lack of coffee, I did get dressed and walk Tyke. I wore warm clothes without paying much attention to whether or not I was fashionably dressed. It was 41F degrees outside, but it didn't feel cold, because there was no wind. The sun was setting and the sky was covered in clouds. It was good to feel the cool fresh air on my face. 

Tyke frolicked through the leaves on the ground and picked up many scents. He is a true hunting dog, although I think he always follows the same trails. I suppose the same dogs walk there every day. He constantly has his nose to the ground, just like Jesker did and inhales deeply. He buries his nose in the grass as deep as possible. 

We almost missed the delivery boy from the pharmacy, whom I had forgotten about completely. I let Tyke carry the bag of medicine into the apartment. He did so very proudly. I do need a treat to get him to surrender it again. That's next on my shopping list. Tyke does think that every package and every bit of shopping is for him personally. I don't know where he got that idea. He has a real sense of ownership. 

The new brand of dog food is filling him up well and also does wonders for his turds. They are dry and hard and easy to pick up. What a difference with the old brand. Sorry about that subject, but as a dog owner that concerns me very much. 

Gandhi likes the new dog food very much too and always gets some of it. She stands at the ready on the kitchen counter to get her share of it. She also gets her regular kibbles and her dish of milk, so she's not getting a shortage of nutrients. She's getting a little bit plump, but she was always a very slender cat, so it's not too bad. I will put her on a fitness regime if it gets out of hand. I will have her do sit ups and push ups. It's a pleasure to see her eat well. 

I have to try and amuse myself for a while, because I'm wide awake. No doubt I'll find some kind of trouble to get into. There is always something to do in the blogging world. Somewhere in the world someone is writing a post. 

Ciao,

Nora

On the road again...

I went to bed early last night and took some extra tranquilizers and managed to sleep through the night, which was very pleasant and something I needed to do. It felt very good to fall into a sound sleep and to wake up refreshed and not tired anymore. Initially I only had one reheated cup of coffee, but I just decided to make a fresh pot, so that I will be ready to take care of some much needed to do chores and get those out of the way while it is still early in the day. I have to take advantage of the momentum and the courage that I still have early in the morning, before all of the anxiety hits me. I have to pay bills and get some packages ready for the mail and then actually go to the post office to mail them. That will be the real test of my courage.

It's terrible not to know where your mood is going to take you on a day. I am rather insecure right now and unsure of how I will be able to pull things off. I'm going to act as if everything is okay and I can do whatever comes my way without the least amount of trouble, but that's not how it feels inside. I feel like I should perform some magic ritual to make to outcome more sure and to make myself more steady. If I drink just the right amount of coffee and smoke just the right amount of cigarettes, maybe everything will turn out right. Of course, I should also take my medicines on time and not a minute too late or too early.

I have turned on the day light therapy lamp just in case that's going to alleviate my mood some. I hope it helps and I will use it for a while and see if it makes a difference. I should know after a few days if it does.

Tyke is sound asleep on the sofa and has not let me know yet that he needs to go for a walk. He is snoring just a little bit and it sounds very cozy. Gandhi is asleep in the armchair, my favorite chair to sit in, but she's welcome to it for now. I'll be sitting behind the computer for a while yet. I can pay all the bills on line. At least those are the conveniences of these modern times. Thank goodness for them.

The day is starting. The paper delivery person has just come by. It is the first noise I've heard this morning. He does ride on an irritating sounding scooter. What a way to wake up the neighborhood.

I think I will walk Tyke first and pay the bills next. It will be good to get some fresh air while it is still relatively quiet outside and the traffic hasn't started up yet. It's just beginning to become dawn.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Good day coming...

I've had my first cup of coffee and I've turned from a grumpy, sleepy person into a good natured, alert one. It's really made quite a difference, because when I first got up even the animals got in the way of me and I felt like grumbling at them. I knew I would have to be patient and that I would be alright if I just had that first cup of coffee inside of me. I ignored my own bad mood as much as possible and tried not to take it out on anyone, least of all myself, which I am also quite capable of. I can be my own worst enemy when I'm in a bad morning mood, even when I know it is just a temporary condition. Never mind, I had that cup of coffee and soon everything was alright again and I could react to life as a normal and reasonable person.

I went to bed after I wrote my last post last night and did not stay up to read my novel. I decided to be sensible and go to sleep like any other normal person would. I fell asleep quickly and much to my surprise I slept until 8 am this morning. That is an amazing feat and I rarely do that. I do remember vaguely getting up once to go to the toilet, but apparently I had enough sense to go back to bed after I did so, which is a surprising thing, because normally that would be reason for me to get up and have cups of coffee and sit behind the computer. Of course, now I can't smoke cigarettes anymore, so part of the appeal is gone and that may have something to do with it. I was also very exhausted due to a shortage of sleep from the night before and I had to catch up on that, but I would like it if I slept through the night every night and got up at a reasonable hour every morning, grumpy or not.

I'm still in my pajamas now and not nearly ready to get the day truly started. I ought to get dressed, but I'm postponing that moment until later when I'm really in the mood for it. I like sitting here a while longer and pretending that the day is not rushing at me to get a move on. All will happen in its own good time and I'm sure I will get everything done today that needs to get done. I have to go to the hardware store, where they have everything you may need in a lifetime, and buy the new shades for the living room windows. That's the most important thing I need to do today. It is for the sake of my decorative aesthetics that I need to do that. I will not comfortably rest on my laurels until that is done.

Tyke has made himself comfortable on the new sofa and Gandhi is laying in the armchair which is my favorite chair to sit in. Luckily, neither one of them sheds a lot of hair. I've had animals that were much more of a problem, but these two aren't. Tyke doesn't lie on the coffee table anymore, because I've made it impossible for him to do so. This coffee table is smaller and I have a sculpture and a large plant on it. Even Gandhi doesn't sit on it. She hasn't shown much interest in the sofa yet, but I'm waiting for the moment for that to happen. I will have a spray bottle of water ready and I will not hesitate to use it.

I'm waiting for the Exfactor to show up and I realize that it's better if I do get dressed, because it would not do to greet him in my pajamas, although I can put on my bathrobe and be decent... I've just done that for now.

I have just fed the animals and Tyke is digesting his food now and quite happy for it. Gandhi had a bowl of milk and is now eating Tyke's leftovers. She got lucky today, because Tyke seldom has leftovers. What is a little bit of food to a dog, is a lot of food to a cat, especially of the dainty variety, which Gandhi is a specimen of.

Every once in a while I have the urge to light up a cigarette and then I remember that I don't smoke anymore. It seems such a natural thing to do, to reach for a cigarette and to light up. It's the habit I miss, I suppose. It's not the nicotine so much. It's the ritual around it. I must distract my mind with other activities and think of other things to do with my hands and my mind. It helps to stay busy and to be oblivious of my subconscious longings. I must keep them in the back of my mind as much as possible and not let them come to the foreground.

I'm going to get dressed now and look like a presentable woman. I can't be disheveled like this with my hair sticking up in all directions. I do have to make an effort.

Have a nice day all of you.

Ciao,
Nora

A short nap...

I took a short nap after dinner and now feel completely refreshed and ready to enjoy the rest of the evening. I can't go to bed too late, though, because tomorrow morning I have to go downtown with my sister and pick out my birthday present. I already know what I want, because I saw it advertised on TV, and I hope I find it in the right size and color. I'll tell you about it when I have it.

Tyke is sitting on the dining table looking out the window. He came and asked for approval before he did so and now he's being very good. The domestic help brought him a stubby, squeaky, rubber ball today and he has had the most fun playing with it. It's made him happy all afternoon and he takes it with him wherever he goes. I've only had to retrieve it from beneath the sofa 3 times. That's very good. It means he's keeping good track of it. I would have had to retrieve the tennis ball many more times. We are very grateful to the domestic help.

I slept late this morning and didn't get dressed until noontime. At least I knew which clothes I was going to wear. I was so very comfortable in my bed and then, of course, I had to leisurely drink my coffee, which will be a thing of the past once I quit smoking. I will not leisurely drink coffee anymore, but just have a cup in a hurry. I will have to change some of my habits and leisurely sitting around will be one of them. I'm sure I will be more active and I will have to find all sorts of things to do to keep myself busy. Maybe I'll paint the living room and the hallway.

I didn't take one moment to sit down in my armchair to read today. It is a real ritual that I have to perform, because usually I don't sit there. I have to get my book and my reading glasses and my glass of milk. Then I have to get my cigarettes and lighter and ashtray and the pillow to lean against. I really have to settle in and I didn't give myself the chance to do that today. I don't know how I did pass the time of day, but of course I was asleep for a large part of it.

At least the reading ritual will be simplified a lot once I've quit smoking. I won't have to bother with half of it once I do. I do want to put the emphasis on that for myself. My life is going to be a lot simpler when I've quit smoking because now I have to always calculate the chance to have a cigarette into everything I do and there are so many times when having a cigarette is not such an easy thing to do. The world is not smoker's friendly anymore and I'm certainly not going to allow anyone to smoke inside my apartment once I've quit smoking. There is no place for smokers. They pollute other peoples' air and it makes their world very small if they don't want to and they can't consciously. I'm glad I don't live in the 70's anymore when everybody smoked and it was normal to smoke inside wherever you were and it would have been frowned upon to ask someone to go outside and do it. I also want to keep discussing my plan to quit so that it will be a natural thing when I actually do.

I got the new Ikea catalog in the mail today and I'm going to sit down when I have a chance and look through it thoroughly. I can't wait to see what's in it. I know there is a nice smallish sized bookcase in it, because I've already looked that up on the website and it's not too expensive. I may get that once my bookcase is full, which it almost is. I'm expecting 9 books from Bookmooch in the mail and those will take up a bit of space. The bookcase I saw is quite nice and I know just where to place it. I do have room for it. I have some of my older books in my bedroom on the bookshelf there, but I was looking at them today and some of them are nice enough to have in the living room. It's just for lack of space that they are in the bedroom. I want to have all my fiction in one place and all the reference books in another, so I'm going to make some changes as soon as I have the chance.

It's supposed to start raining tonight and rain tomorrow too. I actually don't hope so if I'm going out in the morning. The Exfactor is also supposed to come over and a friend of mine is coming over in the afternoon. The Exfactor is going to do the groceries and I need him to get some pastries to have with the coffee. Rain is not welcome tomorrow and hopefully there will only be occasional showers. I usually like rain, so it's very contradictory of me to not want any now, but I usually don't have to go out in it. See how selfish it is of me to change my mind like that. People for the most part are very egocentric. There's always a core of self interest in everything we choose or wish for. Most of us aren't nearly as altruistic as we'd like to believe we are.

It's time for me to go to bed, even though I'm not that tired yet and I could do ten other things instead. The problem is that I need to get up on time in the morning and I do want to get enough sleep. I sure hope that I don't make the mistake of getting up in the middle of the night. I have to stay in bed and sleep and will have to figure out a way to. I will have to show some self discipline, if I have any, that is. Sure I do. I'm quitting smoking, aren't I? You need backbone for that.

Sleep tight, goodnight,

Ciao,
Nora

Up early...

I'm up early this morning. I think after going to bed so early last night, and despite being up in the middle of the night, I'm ready to be awake now and start the day. As a matter of fact, I feel in a jolly good mood and I can't wait to get the show on the road. It is with pleasure that I sit here and drink my coffee. I will be fun to hop in the shower and get dressed and walk Tyke while it is still dry, though I will keep my fingers crossed, because it looks like it is going to rain any minute now.

I'm sitting here in my tank top and not much else, because it is warm in the apartment and I haven't got the back door open yet. I will in awhile and open the kitchen window too. It should cool off quite a bit then, but it is too early to do that now. It is barely light outside and the sky looks threatening. We are expecting rain today and if it rained like it did yesterday, it will be another deluge. It came down in buckets as if it was a tropical monsoon and there were big puddles in the street.

I'm expecting the Exfactor today and I'm looking forward to that, because I haven't seen him since last week on Tuesday. It will be nice to sit and have a cup of coffee with him and have a chat, although our chats can be very boring and be about nothing important at all, but about motorcycles and his work. I'll have to give a different twist to them and talk about politics and vegetarianism and the bio-industry. That ought to make it more interesting. He is also going to do the groceries for me, so I can't make our talk too exhausting, otherwise he will not have the energy to do them.

The domestic help is also coming and I have to make sure I clean up the apartment before she comes. Now, that's not any real cleaning that I do, but just picking things up and generally getting things uncluttered and put away or thrown in the trash or the used paper box. I don't actually clean things before she comes, like in scrubbing the toilet or in dusting the furniture. That would be foolish.

I feel like dressing up today, but I think it's going to be too warm to wear many clothes. It's going to be 22C and inside it is warmer. I've washed some clothes and they should be dry now, so I have a lot to choose from. I like nothing better than wearing newly washed clothes, because of the nice scent of them. I do try to keep all of my clothes clean and do a load of laundry as soon as I have one. Sometimes I wash clothes just to get the nice scent back, even though they aren't dirty. I like it when I open my closet and my clothes smell good. When you smoke, that's hard to achieve. You always have a tendency to carry that smell of tar and nicotine with you.

Actually, 22C isn't all that warm, come to think of it. It's only about 71F, so that's not very warm at all. It's not like a heatwave.

The garbage men have been here, so that Monday morning ritual has been taken care off. They sure make a lot of noise early in the morning, but other than that they work quick and efficient. I hope they get paid well, because there must be nothing worse than dealing with trash all day long and than smelling it while dangling off the back of the truck all the time, especially when it's hot and the trash smells rancid.

On that socialist note I'm off to take a shower. I will walk Tyke first and breathe in the early morning air. It looks like it will be dry for a while yet.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Decisions...

The final decision about Toby was made yesterday. It was a tough one to make and although I was quite sad about it initially, I was relieved this morning that I didn't have to care for and feed his helpless body, which I could have gone on doing indefinitely. That means that I have peace with the decision and that I can live with it. Our little household is back to normal now and the litter box has been cleaned up and put away. Gandhi very casually walks around the apartment and Tyke has stopped obsessively sticking his nose in the paper box where Toby was constantly sleeping. All is well with the world and we are okay. Life continues as before.

The clothes I had ordered got here yesterday late in the afternoon and I tried all of them on immediately. Some of the things fit perfectly, but others didn't at all regardless of the size I had ordered them in, so I repackaged them and arranged for them to be picked up today. There's a lesson to be learned from this and that is that there's a difference in sizing in the different brands and that it is better to stick to the brand that you know well and that you are sure about the size of.

The harem pants that I ordered turned out to be great and I really like them and they fit well. The top that I got to go with it fit well too and it makes for a nice outfit. So I was pleased about that. I'm going to wear it today after I've had my shower this morning. It's so nice to wear clothes that you are happy about and it does wonders for your self esteem. You feel yourself get taller and skinnier, although that is just an illusion, of course. It's very pleasant, nevertheless.

I talked to my SPN about taking everything so seriously and not having enough of a sense of humor and it is really not only because of the fact that Toby was dying. It is a general attitude that I have and that is starting to bother me very much and that I want to get rid of.

We traced it back to a large sense of disillusionment that I carry with me, which prevents me very often from being spontaneously happy. It makes me analyze every situation I find myself in instead of honestly reacting to it with my feelings. I'm afraid to show my feelings and be spontaneous because I'm afraid of being hurt. Being spontaneous and reacting to a situation with your feelings means not hiding behind your walls and exposing yourself. Being vulnerable. And I'm afraid to be it.

I'm now going to practice letting down my guard. Not everywhere and with every person, but when I think it is safe and there are enough situations when it is. I have to practice spontaneity and being open and looking people in the eyes and being present and approachable. It will be a conscious effort that I have to make. Practice makes perfect.

I look forward to going to bed so very much in the evening. I can't wait for it to be a decent enough time to go to sleep and very often it is very early. I decamp with my book and a glass of milk and make myself cozy. I can't stand the thought of staying up any longer and I just hope that nobody calls me once I'm in bed because I won't answer the phone. I slept 8 hours last night, but I'm sure there will be a nap some time later today.

I finished "Careless in Red" and will now start "The Girl Who Played With Fire." I was going to last night, but fell asleep before I could. I hope it is as good as the first book in the series, which I read without reading glasses and had a heck of a time finishing. Now that I have my reading glasses I have a much easier time getting through a book. The Inspector Linley one turned out to be much better than I initially thought it was going to be. At the beginning I didn't enjoy reading it very much and I thought about giving up on it, but tenaciousness kept me at it. I'm glad it did because it turned out to be quite interesting and a satisfying read.

Well, I have to start the morning ritual. It's that time again. First I'll take a nice warm shower because I'm cold. The mornings have been colder lately. We're supposed to have some rain today, but we'll see if that materializes. It will be nice if it does. We still need it.

Have a good day you all.

Ciao,
Nora

Waking up...

I've managed to sleep about 7 hours and I'm now waking up with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. At least I've had a fairly normal night's sleep and I feel well rested, which does not mean that I will not seek out the sofa later today for a small nap. But that will be after I've taken care of the things I have to do here, such as pay the bills and do the dishes and sweep the floors and dust the furniture, not necessarily in that order. I will do them in my own meticulous way and it will all make sense, though I will pay the bills first, because that weighs the heaviest and is the greatest relief when it is done.

I can't get the show on the road the first thing in the morning. I first need to sit here and gather my thoughts and drink a few cups of coffee and make a slow start. I do that best by writing a post. I get my brain organized that way and in running condition. It's a very selfish way to start the day, because I only have my own objectives in mind. Of course, I write with you in mind and I do want to make sense, but mostly I write for myself and to get myself ready for the day.

I'm still sitting here in my pajamas and Tyke has been to do his business out back for now. I'm not quite ready to take him for a walk. I need more coffee before I do that. I need to be awake more. I'm still yawning and I think I need at least one more cup of coffee. I will make that as soon as I have the wherewithal to get up. These things take a little bit of planning. You can't do them spontaneously. It would upset the fragility of the early morning ritual.

Okay, I've got my cup of coffee now and a new supply of cigarettes. That ought to give me some renewed vigor. If that doesn't work, I don't know what will. I will be forced to go back to bed and start all over again, in which case I will delete this post. I have to stay up, though, because I'm expecting a package this morning with the things I ordered on line the other day.They're supposed to be here between 9 am and 1 pm, which is a long wait and then I have to make sure they don't shove it in the mailbox while I sit here and wait. That's what they did the time before last with my cardigan.

I probably spend an inordinate amount of time talking about clothes on this blog and I don't know how I got that way either. I didn't used too be that way. So very female. I care about clothes very much and I like nice things and I care about the way I look. There was a long time when I was really overweight when I could not do that, when I wore whatever fit me. As I lost the weight, I started caring again about what I wore, as I had before when I became a liberated female. Becoming liberated meant developing my own style in clothing, not bound by anybody else's taste. Not dressing like a wife or a mother. Not thinking about what role I had to play.

I would like to believe that I invent myself now and that I make up my own mind about what I look like within the possibilities that I have. I don't want to be conventional, yet not so absurd that I look odd. I don't want to dress my age, that's for sure, nor does that run in my family. Neither one of my sisters dresses her age, especially not my older sister. My mother was more conventional and dressed like Hyacinth Bucket and had her hair fixed the same way. At least she always looked nice and presentable, although not especially daring. I don't think she quite had the courage for that. I think it is easier for people of my generation to look less conventional. We are not so restricted by rules.

I will look for something nice to wear in a while. I will be something different than I wore yesterday. I don't want to slip into a rut and I easily want to be able to try on the new dresses that I'm expecting today. I hope they fit and that I don't have to lose weight first. If I do, though, it will be a challenge, because they don't come in a bigger size.

I need one more cup of coffee and I'll be totally awake, although I'm on my way now real well. You can probably tell by the way of writing. It's suddenly taken a more upbeat turn after a very slow start. I shall overcome the slow motion of the morning.

I've got to pay bills now. Wish me luck.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

I had noticed...

Yes, I know. I keep writing posts that no one reads and I keep changing the design, as it is now called, of my blog. Not only that, I also changed the fonts and the color to my liking. I'm a fickle woman and I'm going to try out everything I like until I can settle on something. When that will be I don't know, it may take me a while. I'm like a gold digger and I keep seeing bigger nuggets. I can't put down my gear until I've got every one of them.

I did a bunch of chores and Tyke helped me by going around the apartment with me and watching me closely in whatever I did. I don't know what he thinks when he's watching, but apparently it's all very interesting to him. He helped me make the bed by lying down on top of it. Now I have a bumpy duvet. He helped with the laundry by sticking his head into the machine. That helps when you try to get the stuff out. Nevertheless, I got some things done, just in time before my sister called me to ask if I wanted to go with her to take the dogs for a walk. It was funny, because I was about to call her and ask her the same thing. Telepathy.

The sun was shining and I wore my sunglasses, but I also wore my jacket and I was much too warm. Had I known how hot it was going to be in the sun, I would have left it at home. We walked a long way and part of the way we walked along the flags that were set out for a catholic procession. Sometimes we heard the marching band play in the distance, but we managed to evade them completely. There were people standing on the sidewalks along the way, getting ready to greet whatever holiness was about to come by. I don't know enough about it to tell you. I'm sure somebody will inform me. Maybe they carried a relic. It's a theory. The colors of the flags were yellow and white, if that has any meaning.

We passed a big stone block in the grassy verge and I said to my sister, "Look, there is the grave of a Roman soldier." She said, "Really?" I said, "No, I'm lying." She believes everything I tell her, because I say it so sincerely. I used to tell her terrible stories when we were kids and I didn't know better. Luckily, I improved as I got older. That doesn't mean that my stories got better.

Tyke had the runs right on some one's driveway. The people weren't home, but their neighbor was and my sister asked him for a bucket of water to wash it away. That's how my sister is. She's not the least bit embarrassed to approach someone with a request like that. I hadn't even thought of it. My sister is an extrovert, while I, in my Dutch incarnation, am an introvert. Anyway, the bucket of water worked and we could leave with a clear conscious.

My sister wanted to know how I was doing. I said, "I'm better now, but I was a bit depressed all week." She was surprised and said, "I hadn't noticed. Why didn't you tell me?" I said, "As long as I have some kind of control over it, I don't want you to know. I'll let you know if I really can't handle it." My sister counts on me to be there for her every day and I sure as heck am not going to let her know when I'm mildly depressed, because then she'll feel that she can't lean on me and I don't want that to happen. I am her big sister and I do want to keep functioning in that role. I do feel a sense of responsibility towards her, especially since we don't have parents anymore.

It's alternately sunny and cloudy and noisy little kids are playing in the street. Kids always shriek a lot, I guess it is necessary. That's the drawback of good temperatures. Kids are out and every time one screams, I think something has happened. It's very unsettling. Parents must have nerves of steel, but then I forget that I used to be a parent of little kids too. I survived it, although I think that all mothers have a simmering nervous breakdown that's not recognized.

At least my life is filled with reasonable people and sensible adults. I do count my blessings. And cute animals, let's not forget them.

Ciao,
Nora

Wake up, woman!

I'm working on my second cup of coffee and it is very necessary, as I had to get up out of bed after not enough sleep to let out the dog and take my medicines. Bleary eyed and slightly in a stupor, I turned on the computer to see what was there in my in box and started the difficult process of answering my emails. I always hope I make sense when I do that after I've just gotten up. It may actually not be the right time, but that's the order in which I do things. Rituals even maintain your bad habits.

I'm such a nutty woman, sitting here when I should be getting back to bed for some more sleep, but then I never claimed to have much sense. I act like and pretend that I do, but I never come right out and claimed it. I have about as much common sense as a hedgehog. It does roll itself into an impregnable ball when threatened, so that is a good characteristic, but you can also play football with it and that is less good. Of course, you do have to have sturdy shoe wear.



Well, I used what little common sense I do have and went back to bed and slept for a few more hours. That really was the smartest thing to do, that logic didn't even escape me, thick skulled as I am. Hmmm... I see a theme developing here, I'm trying to get a message across. Could it be that I'm trying to tell you that I assert a lot, but in reality know very little? Something along those lines.

The first thing I did when I got up, was get dressed and not linger in my bathrobe like I did yesterday. That was a good thing too, because when I went outside to pick up Tyke's turds, my neighbor was out there and I never know what mode of attack he is going to use on me. Today it was friendly, thank goodness, but I do feel better facing him with my clothes on. He's an old man who likes to complain and makes me nervous about going outside. His wife eggs him on from the background. There's always some tree or bush or cat to complain about and I get a sore stomach just thinking about it, so let's drop that subject.

I've been sitting crooked in the desk chair again, leaning to the right at an odd angle, and as a result I have a sore ribcage. I lean into the armrest and it cuts right underneath my ribs, causing me to sort of get stuck there and having to remove myself with some effort. It happens without me being aware of it, suddenly I'm in that position. Yesterday I put a pillow on that side and it helped. It prevented me from leaning over. What I really need to do is spend less time in this chair and in a minute, I'm going to take Tyke for a walk.

The sun is shining, but it's only 11C, so not very warm. I'm wearing my cold weather clothes plus my scarf. I'll see you in a bit.




We ran into a bit of freshly rotated soil that had fertilizer added and raked into it. Tyke thought he had died and gone to heaven. He rolled around in it like it was the best smelling perfume ever. Every time I thought he was done, he started up again. Luckily, it was dry and flaky, so nothing really got stuck to his fur, except some of the smell. It was so funny, I had never seen a dog do that before. I hope he doesn't do that when we run into cow dung or something. I wouldn't put it past him. I can just see us out in the fields in the countryside and Tyke in a big heap of cow shit. I think I better stay in town with him.

We also ran into my sister and her friend. This car stopped and a very handsome man with sunglasses on said "ciao" to me. I couldn't figure out at first who it was. I thought I was going to be pestered by a bunch of foreigners. Then I saw my sister and the pieces fell into place. I had to laugh at myself for being so silly that I automatically assumed handsome foreigners would pester me. That shows you what an attitude I have about myself.

I think I'm having withdrawal symptoms, as I'm totally not happy at the moment and I'm just pretending that I am. If not that, I'm having a shortage of sleep problem. I feel depressed and I'm going to lie down on the sofa.

Ciao,
Nora

An early day...

I started of this day remarkably early, I think I was up a little bit after 4 am. That is, of course, because I slept most of the afternoon and evening on the sofa, and by the time early morning came along, I was all done sleeping.

I didn't mind one bit, because I was wide awake and so were the cats and they were ready to eat, so I fed them first and they acted like hey never had any food before. I had a hard time emptying the pouches into their dishes, because their heads got in the way, making everything rather messy.

At the sound of chomping down cats, Jesker decided to wake up and come and investigate and decided that he needed something to eat also, so he got a Bonzo bone and then had to be let out for a piddle.

In the meantime, I had made my mug of coffee and was looking forward to drinking it and having some quiet time reading my emails.Of course, I had to do some extensive petting of the dog first, because he does need all his loving first thing in the morning. That's how we bond together. We have our rituals every day.

I spend a long enough time reading and answering emails and then decided to go and have a good look in my closet and decide which clothes I was going to wear today. I was torn between dressing my age and looking sporty, or dressing younger and looking a little bit spunkier. That meant that I changed clothes an hour after I got initially dressed, because I changed my mind and went for the spunkier look. The one with the mini skirt and the leggings. That's also the one that allows me to get on and off my bike easier.

With plenty of time to spare, I went to creative therapy and entered the smoking den with a cup of coffee. Luckily, there were only two people there, so the air was not too polluted. I was without a lighter again and had brought a box of matches that worked very badly and one in three didn't light and had to be tossed away. I buy new, expensive lighters that work 2 weeks and then give up the ghost. I'm losing my faith in the manufacturing process of gadgets.

Soon enough it was time to go to the studio and work on my silly doodle that everyone seems to like so much, and I'm really only making it because I didn't know what to sculpt. It's just a silly doodle, with silly birds on it. I have finished it today out of sheer stubbornness and because it was there and I didn't want to leave it undone.

The thing is, that while you're working on it, you can have entertaining conversations with the other people around you and so I did. And let me tell you something, the men like a good chat as well as the women do. They don't really stop talking the whole session and they discuss everything under the sun, just like women do, if not more.

I ate 6 cookies and they were all good. Two were shortbread and four were gingerbread.

When I got home, I was greeted by Jesker and Gandhi and tried to pay equal attention to both, although Jesker tries to hog his. I had a big glass of juice and a cigarette and called my older sister and talked to her for a while, but she was very busy with customers. Then I took Jesker for a walk and the sun was shining and it was nice if you stayed out of the wind that was blowing.

At 2 pm I went to my sister's house where my niece was with her husband and her daughter, because they are staying in a cabin in the Kempen in Belgium right across the border from here. I had not seen them for a couple of years and my niece cried from the emotion of seeing me again, which I thought was very heartrending.My grandniece had become as tall as I am and very grown up.

We had a nice afternoon reminiscing and laughing and looking at old pictures and telling old jokes. You do realize you share a lot of history together.

We sat in the garden that is surrounded by hedges, so we were out of the wind and in whatever sunshine there was, although a few rainclouds passed to the right and to the left of us and we felt some sprinkles, but nothing could deter us from sitting outside.

And now I'm home again, full of apple pie and pieces of goat cheese and other unidentifiable snack food. The goat cheese was soft and smooth and I'll have to buy some off it on my next shopping expedition. That makes Brie and Camembert and goat cheese that I have to look for.

Now I'm going to put my pajamas on and get comfortable, because I've already taken my medications and I'm feeling pretty mellow. It's time to relax.

I hope you all have a splendid evening and may I direct you to this weblog for a special poem?

Ciao...

What's she doing?

I have been doing sets of three chores all day and got a bunch of things done and one thing I have now is a very clean bedroom. I'm going to do another set of three chores after I finish this post, but I don't know yet what I'm going to do. There are a number of things I could do. I'll take my pick.

Oh yes, I vacuumed the whole apartment. You know how much I hate vacuuming because of the noise and I'm always afraid that I will not hear the doorbell or the telephone or a burglar sneaking up behind me.

Well, this time I turned on the music rather loud to the point that I could still hear it when the vacuum cleaner was on and I thought that if I could hear that, I could hear anything, and suddenly I wasn't so bothered anymore. There is some twisted logic in there somewhere, there really is. I could recognize which song Amy Winehouse was singing and all was right with the world. See, that's all I need to do, is listen to Amy Winehouse.

I also got rid of most of the cobwebs, but just see some that I missed, so I need to do those next.

The vacuum cleaner wasn't working good enough and I couldn't figure out why, because the bag wasn't nearly full yet, but a little bit of investigation led to a blockage right in the hose where it enters the vacuum cleaner. There was quite a bit of dog hair there and I pulled it all out and, my God, you wouldn't believe the difference it made in suction power. I had been vacuuming at half the power for the last couple of times that I used it thinking it was all in my imagination.

Well, you do start to doubt yourself when you don't initially see anything wrong, but I should have looked better. I'm not a helpless female, after all, am I? Take that thing apart and have a good look!

Sitting here I already see four things I can do and they are all little things, so I really should think of two more. Holy cow! I'm becoming obsessed with the numbers three and six and nine etc. Maybe I will become an obsessive compulsive person. I wonder if there is a cure? Maybe I will have to do things by fours. Either way I'm screwed. I'll develop strange neuroses and rituals involving certain numbers and have to do things a number of times or else tragedy will strike.

Well, better not think of that.

I'm drinking decaf and it isn't doing a thing for me. As a matter of fact, it is making me sleepy and I think now is not a good time to take a nap. I think that in a fairly short time I'll switch to regular coffee again.

I have to take Jesker to the vet, because he has been snorting and sneezing, not a lot, but some, and his eye is turning red again. A few days after I run out of antibiotic ointment his eye turns bad again. Just when it had looked really good. He'll be thrilled to go there.

Am I hooked on blogging? Well, the answer to that would be a definite yes, but now I don't feel so bad about it because of the chores. I am going to end this post, though, and tackle a few things now before I lose my stride.

Have a good evening, we're having a rainy one here, but I did ask for rain, didn't I? Be careful what you wish for.

Ciao...

Such a such a such a...?

Oh, I'm having a lovely time sitting here with my coffee and my cigarette, listening to the birds chirp cheerfully outside and watching the sun occasionally peek out from behind the clouds that look like an old master painted them in the 17th Century on a pretty day in the springtime.

Well, it is a pretty day in the springtime, if you like this kind of weather and I do. I love the gorgeous clouds that take on all shapes and forms and colors from gray to white and the sunlight that comes shining through them unexpectedly. I wonder if that is why the birds chirp? Are they confused about the sunlight? Or are they just happy? They have a very pretty melody that they sing. It is like a question that needs to be answered.

My other alarm clock woke me up at 7 am this morning with its familiar beep, beep, beep! That worked, I couldn't sleep through that noise. It's highly irritating and I think that's why it works so well. It does make you jump out of bed to shut it off as quickly as possible. All your synapses get fired up at once.

I was dreaming very intricate dreams and one part of it was that my old psychiatrist had given me a package with rope and string and tacks to bind and push and pull my joints together so I would not fall apart. I kept trying unsuccessfully to call him on my mobile phone to tell him that he'd made a mistake and that I needed pills instead, but when I looked at my body, I could see that I was coming apart and everything was very loose.

I took an hour to wake up this morning, cutting it very close, but I was done getting dressed quickly, because I hardly messed with my hair and my make up. I have such easy hair right now, I just run my fingers through it and I'm done. I wear little make up and throw on my clothes and am ready to go. I take the dog by surprise as he lies sleeping by the bathroom door.

I even had some leisurely time for a cup of coffee and a cigarette before I left and I got to therapy with time to spare. I sat in the stinking smoker's room with the other smoking women. The guys were out on the deck, because they are tough and didn't mind the cold. Besides, they have to worry about their image more than we dainty women. Ahem!

I finished my sculpture of the reclining figure that I had worked on so hard and with such pleasure. The only thing was that it had started leaning backwards a bit, so the last thing I did was force it forward again without ruining it. I just hope it stays in place while it dries.

A bunch of sculptures went into the oven today and there will be three things of mine in there, I think. So on Friday I should be painting, which will be a heck of a lot of fun. I will be overwhelmed by it all.

I've started a new sculpture and I find it a difficult one, so I am not going to copy it exactly, but give some of my own interpretation to it. It's too hard to get an exact copy of it. It's very fragile and that does me in. So, I'll change it a little bit and that will be fine too, The main idea will still be there. It's also of a reclining figure, but she's wearing a skirt and it's draped around her knees and I have to get that effect right.

When I got home, the Exfactor was here and he was eating a sandwich and the dog was so busy begging that he didn't have time to greet me. He finally came for two seconds when I called him, but then went straight back to the Exfactor. He does know which side his bread is buttered on. The whole time the Exfactor is here, the dog acts like a spoiled child and he doesn't stop until the Exfactor is gone. You can imagine how irritating this is. When he is alone with me, he is the best behaved dog and never gives me cause for irritation. I think that's because I'm more clear to him about what's acceptable behavior and I can ignore him better when he's having a pity party. The Exfactor only knows the dog as an animal who constantly wants something from him.

I had an appointment with my nice new psychiatrist this afternoon. Although I see my SPN every two weeks, my psychiatrist wants to see me every two months to keep track of how I'm doing and to work out whatever problem areas there are. He helped me with two things today and both of them concerned my extreme emotional tiredness and where that came from and how I could better deal with it to prevent it.

So he helped me a lot today and I voiced some feelings that I had never said out loud and it was a relief to say them. It all dates back to my childhood, of course, and the things I was exposed to then and what I learned then. He's like a wise old man who tells me stories in parables and I learn from them because they make sense that way.

Since I quit taking the Temazepam during the day, I am allowed to take 3 x 4 and 1 x 3 Oxazepams instead. He says it's still a lot, but he can see that I'm not drugged and I told him that my body always seems to need large amounts of medicines in order for them to work.

He's a very kind and thoughtful man and thinks carefully before he speaks and asks you if you're not being inundated with information. I think I'm in good hands and he's glad that I understand therapeutic concepts so quickly.

Now the sun has disappeared behind a gray sky, but I can still see the windows that need cleaning. Won't somebody come and help me clean my windows? They are all streaky and blotchy. My father used to be the best window cleaner in town.

Now I've run out of steam and I need a nap, but the news is going to be on shortly. Maybe I'll sleep through the news.

Have a terrific evening, guys. Keep warm and stick close to the heater.

Ciao...