It's alright now...

I'm entering day four of not smoking. I've just taken my medicines and put on a fresh nicotine patch. It didn't feel as though the old one had stopped working. I think the effect is psychological also. As long as you wear it, you think you're protected. It doesn't matter why it works as long as it does.

Every day of not smoking gets a little bit easier. The urge to light up a cigarette is still there, but I get over the disappointment of not being able to quicker. There's simply no way that I can, so wishing to is an exercise in futility. I immediately have to put the whole idea out of my head. That's the best part about not having any tobacco in the apartment. There's absolutely no temptation. 

If I don't manage to keep myself busy and distracted, I take naps to make the time pass by. It's one way to forget about not being able to smoke if it bothers me a lot. It's usually during the day when I've run out of things to do and I've already walked the dog a few times. I'm usually able to sleep for at least an hour or so. That gets me over the worst craving. 

Yesterday I went to Ikea with my sister. We got there early in the morning before it opened, but already there were plenty of people there. I had a shopping list of things I wanted to get and just had to locate the items in the store and in the warehouse. 

I got a rattan armchair to replace my other armchair whch I have put in the bedroom where it looks very good. It was time that I decorated the bedroom more also and I wanted something different in the living room. I also had to get the thick, soft seat cushion that went with the chair which was located in a whole different place in the warehouse, very unlogically.

I wanted to make sure that I got a good seat cushion because of the comfort of sitting down on it for any length of time and not getting a sore rear end. I have learned my lesson in the past. I also wanted to buy some throw pillows and I thought I had the ones picked out that I wanted, but when I actually saw them, I liked them less than I thought I would. 

Luckily, I spotted some that I had not seen on the website and that had the colors in them that I wanted so the choice was easily made. They were to put in the two armchairs that are in the living room to support your back when you sit in them. They are also for the extra touch of decoration, of course.

I had to get a new curtain to cover the door that is between the spare bedroom and the living room that I don't use and that is always closed. The curtain that was there didn't fit in the color scheme anymore and was old besides. I had thrown it out. I had picked out the new one on Ikea's website and luckily it turned out to be as nice as I had anticipated. 

When I got home. the curtain turned out to be much too long and I had to pin it up. Today I will have to shorten it, but because the sewing machine isn't working, I will have to fix the hem with iron on sticky tape.

Because of the paintings, the colors that have returned to the interior of the living room are red and orange. Subconsciously, I am now drawn to these two colors and gravitate towards them for whatever little touches I can add. They are both lively and cheerful colors so that's no problem. Both of them are in the throw pillows that I bought.

Except for fixing the hem of the curtain, I don't have much to do today. I had been planning on taking two creative therapy classes, but now there is an issue with the insurance company maybe not paying for them. It is up in the air and I have to keep my fingers crossed. I need to have a busier schedule. It is important that I am more active and see more people. I will have to make the most of the day in the meantime. 

I've got to get dressed and walk the dog. It is that time of the morning already. I hope you'll all have a good day and that you enjoy your interiors. 

Ciao,

Nora

How to do it?

I have to figure out a way to dispense my energy evenly without being at either side of the spectrum in my moods. If I'm manic I am capable of doing many things, but when I'm done being manic, I turn into this sleepy headed woman again who needs to take naps and who doesn't at all spend her time wisely. It may be that I take too many tranquilizers and I'm going to try and cut down on them, although I don't know how easy that is going to be, because in the past I've always needed more of them for various reasons. Today I was exceptionally sleepy, but I think that was in reaction to the past mania too and I can't count it as ordinary behavior. It is just now that I'm starting to feel like a normal person again and I have stopped yawning, which I've done all day long. Well, I write that down and yawn, of course.

I took a long nap today after I had slept late this morning. I felt fuzzy headed while I walked the dog and not at all wide awake and I knew I needed more sleep. But I think that's not normal and I want to stop being in that position. I want to have an ordinary amount of energy and not have to wait for a mania to get a lot of things accomplished. I think it's very reasonable of me to expect to have enough energy to do the ordinary things in life that other people do without feeling wiped out. I am cutting down on the tranquilizers now and I'll see how it goes. I don't constantly have to be drugged, after all. I'm not a dangerous animal.

It's snowing! A nice layer of powdery snow is covering everything outside and the dog and I already walked in it. I did say that I didn't want it to snow, didn't I? Well, this snow, so far, is nice. It is very clean and pretty and there isn't a lot of it, so it's not too bad. I do have a good pair of boots to wear for it now, after all. I'm not going to get wet socks. It was nice to be outside and have the snow fall on us and it reminded me of the fact that my father and I would always go out for a walk in the first snow of the season and this would usually be at night. We wanted to make the first footsteps in the snow. That was a nice tradition that we had. I'm sorry he isn't here to do that with me anymore now. But the dog and I can do it. I think the dog likes snow. He likes to sniff in it very much, the same way he sniffs in fallen leaves.

Speaking of dogs. He looked at me with such melancholy eyes tonight after his dinner, that I gave him an extra 150 grams of food and he ate it with good appetite. That's such a little amount of food that it's not going to make much difference in his diet and it made him happy. I sure don't have a heart of steel and I can't deny him food if he's still hungry. What I gave him was lean meat, so it should be okay. You see, there's a certain logic in my reasoning.

I'm listening to some very obscure music that I got off the Jamendo website where you can download music for free. It's very innocuous music and not very exciting. Good to have in the background while I write this. There's nothing startling about it. Some blues, some jazz, some chansons, some new age. Oh, gag me with a spoon! When something is totally free, you don't have much choice. You make the best of it. That's why I just switched to Deezer for some better music. The Wild Yaks! That will wake you up! Of course, it completely prevents me from concentrating on what I'm writing here. I'll have to switch it off so I can hear myself think. I don't know how kids do it with their iPods stuck in their ears all day.

I have liked having all these days off. I thought I was going to mind not having therapy hardly, and soon none at all, but I like sleeping late in the mornings and getting my days started slowly. Well, except for those few days there. I quite accidentally, and I don't know how, have shut off the alarm clock in the mornings and now it doesn't go off at 7 am, which means I sleep until 9:30 am or there abouts. It's quite nice, even when I go to bed on time. I'm going to try and stay up a little bit late tonight and see if I can't mop the floors. Yeah, I know, it sounds ridiculous, but I'm really considering it. I must do it one of these days, it may as well be now. And I have to change the sheets on my bed. Toby has been lying beside my pillow and it is kind of grubby there. I know, I should put a towel down there, but I always forget. Besides, clean sheets are nice to have on the bed.

I'm saying to you that I may do all those things, but I may just as easily skip them, because I'm yawning again. I certainly dislike all this tiredness. I thought it would disappear with the vitamins, but maybe I haven't taken them long enough yet. I've only had five capsules. I suppose it's going to take a little longer than that.

Well, that's it for me for now. If I suddenly get a burst of energy, you will be the first to know. I doubt it very much, though, but I can hope for it.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

Just not happening...

I had planned on going grocery shopping this afternoon, but the weather worsened in the course of the day and when I got home from creative therapy it was miserably cold and windy and wet. I didn't want to be out on my bike anymore and parked it in the hallway. I did go out to walk the dog and cursed the wind that was blowing and all I could think about was being warm and cozy inside.

During the coffee break at creative therapy some of us in the smoker's room had discussed smoking and cancer and just then I coughed up a big green phlegm (sorry, this is unappetizing) and I happened to mention that I had a nodule on the lymph gland in my throat for more than two months now and that it was getting bigger. So, then I got the advice that I better go see my doctor and they were real serious about it, so I grabbed my mobile phone and made an appointment right away for Monday afternoon at 4 pm. Of course, then the feeling of dread didn't leave my head and I imagined all sorts of things being wrong with me and that feeling has stayed with me all day. I haven't done a Google search yet, because I don't know what to search for exactly, but I imagine the worst.

Anyway, I'm slightly preoccupied with this now and I keep touching that nodule and it is a little sore. I guess I keep touching it in the hope that it will be gone. Oh, I just realized there's a little one growing on the other side too in exactly the same spot. I hadn't noticed that before. There must be many reasons why your lymph glands get nodules on them. Right? As a result, I was a little bit distracted and didn't do the jobs that I had planned to do, but sat at the dining table drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes and doing a lot of thinking. This is possibly a result of Maggie May's dilemma who is seriously ill and whose situation has come to worry me quite a bit and has made me think about life and death issues. Thinking about those things will take care of any depression you may have. It will scare it right out of you.

So anyway, I didn't get any of my jobs done, although the night isn't over yet and there are some hours left before I'll go to bed. I may have time to do the dishes, if I'm so inclined, but I always feel funny about doing housework in the evening, as if I'm not supposed to be doing that. My mother never did anything after we did the dishes after dinner, except make coffee, so I guess I take after her. Besides, the kitchen isn't very bright at night and I would miss the dirty spots on the glasses. I need a better light over the sink. I'm now trying to figure out how to do that. I think there is a way.

I made a terrible drawing at creative therapy today and I didn't even care. I thought, "Oh what the heck, it's one of my last ones, it doesn't matter." I'm coloring it in with ink and that may actually improve it. I have two days left to produce something decent. Maybe I'll have a stroke of genius on Monday all of the sudden and make something wonderful. And maybe Rome was built in one day. I just realized that I would have liked to have made one more collage and I think that if I work fast, I may be able to do it, if I can find the right images. I'll have to look through some magazines I have here and see what I can come up with. I steal magazines wherever I am (not in stores, in waiting rooms), and I have some very good ones here. I almost feel like an evil witch coming up with my little ideas, hee hee!

Oh, by the way, I'm still wearing my new boots and have been all day and they are very comfortable and keep my feet warm and dry. You know how you have some footwear that you have to take off the minute you get home? Well, these I don't. I can wear them non stop. I'm going to toss out two pairs of boots this weekend that are both worn out past repair and I'm never going to buy cheap boots again, because it's just not worth it. I can only wear them one year and then they're worn out completely. It's because of my crooked back and my uneven legs. It makes me wear my shoes and boots out fast if they're not very strongly made. I need very sturdy footwear. Believe me guys. Spend money on good shoes!

I darn near killed three very good house plants. First I forgot to water them and they went limp and then, in my zeal to save them, I over watered them and they started to drop their leaves, leaving them kind of ragged looking. I know they will recuperate, but it will take a while and in the meantime I'm afraid to touch them for fear that they'll drop more leaves. I tell you, you can tell a lot about my mental state of health by looking at my plants. If they look poorly, I'm not doing well. If they've died, I'm in trouble. The thing now is to nurture them back to health again. If I can do that, all is well. Or I may have to go out and buy new plants. That's another option.

Now I've missed the 6 pm news and the 8 pm news, which means that I'll have to watch the 10 pm news. Never fear, there's always a news program sooner or later.

Well, that's all I have to tell you tonight. I'm going to get my pajamas on and vegetate. That's always a nice way to spend the evening. It does mean that I have to take those nice boots off. Oh well...

Ciao,
Nora

Believe it or not....

I just managed to wash and style my hair and it only took me 25 minutes to do it. That's a long time, isn't it? I have to do everything just so and let the conditioner sit in my hair for a couple of minutes because of the color strengthening qualities it has. Then, because I don't have a hair dryer, I have to rub it with a towel until it's as good as dry and then comes the tricky part. Styling it with wax and hairspray. Goodness, it's always a big question if that's going to turn out well in one go. I fluff things with my fingers the way the hairdresser does, but I must not always fluff right, because sometimes I don't get the required result and have to re-fluff many times. You also have to know when to stop fluffing and leave well enough alone and start spraying. Half a can ought to do it. That will keep things in place. After that, I can't touch it until it has all dried up and set, so I can't change into my clothes for a while. That's a good excuse to sit and have another cup of coffee and a cigarette.

I slept so well last night. There's nothing wrong with my sleeping pattern at the moment. I go to bed on time and sleep through the night, although I get up once to piddle. I sleep walk to do that, I'm barely aware of it. The animals don't even bother getting up. They know it's not worth it.

Just as I was about to give up on my almost last pair of comfortable boots, my sister gave me a pair of new ones. They are very nice and go all the way to my knees. They're dark brown and have a low heel, which is perfect for me, and a zipper all the way up. They have buckles in the back where they can be adjusted for your leg width, so you can make them as tight fitting as you want. The timing couldn't have been better, because the boots that I have been wearing were worn out just about and I was getting ready to toss them in the garbage. They are beyond repair. So you see, I do have a guardian angel. This time she came in the guise of me sister. The other day she came in the guise of my older sister who sent me money by mail out of the blue. That's been put in safekeeping. Now, my older sister is a widow and my younger sister is divorced, so they don't have to be so generous.

I'm going to creative therapy this morning and will have to get dressed for that shortly. I decided that I didn't want to miss that today. I also have to go grocery shopping and I'm mentally preparing myself for it. I'm not looking forward to it, but I know that I will feel very good about myself once it's done. The Exfactor can't be of any help to me at all, because he has broken his collarbone when he was stunting with a trial motorcycle. I was going to say, when he wasn't acting his age, because what is a 58 year old man doing on a trial motorcycle? He also bruised his ribs and is feeling quite sore and can't do much. I'm sure he was showing off for his girlfriend, though he will never admit it.

I've gotten dressed and walked the dog and it isn't horribly cold outside. I like the cold, crisp air on my face, although it is supposed to rain today. There's no wind to speak of and that is always a lot more pleasant. It's 8C, so that's not too cold. I'm dressed for it now in my super new boots. It's supposed to get colder over the next couple of days and we may even get a flurry of snow, but none that will stay on the ground. I don't mind if it's cold, as long as the wind doesn't blow and the sun is out. It's very bearable then.

I seem to be in an area of silence in my low pressure system. Nothing much is happening. I woke up in a fairly good mood and have managed to hold on to it so far. I'm very much living in the moment, taking it one step at the time, only planning things a few hours ahead of time. If I can figure out what to do today, then that is fine with me. I will have accomplished that. I can plan to do things, but I must allow for the occasional nap if I need it, although I only took one yesterday and that was enough and I had more than enough energy to make it through the day and sleep well at night too. I have planned four things for today and if I get them all done, I will be mighty proud of myself. If I accomplish two of them, then that is okay too. That's what I'll do every day. Set some goals for myself and try to accomplish them, make some minimal and some maximal goals. Three will be the average. I think that's a lot for right now. Especially for someone who hasn't been accomplishing much of anything lately.

Alright, I have to go and make some cigarettes before I leave. I can't be without my smokes.

I hope you all have a lovely day with lots of sunshine.

Ciao,
Nora

Friday night and I ain't got nobody...

Aren't I happy about that, though.

I woke up about an hour ago from a comatose nap on the sofa. I slept for about 3 hours and I wonder how I am always capable of it. I slept well last night, so I don't really have a shortage of sleep. All I can think is that I must have been emotionally exhausted from this week and that allows me to sleep so much. I feel it coming on in the afternoon, this incredible urge to go lie down on the sofa and to just close my eyes for a while, and I look at the clock to see how much time I have to do it. I always end up sleeping longer than I plan to, though, and because I fall asleep watching the television, I'm wearing my glasses and they make indentations in my face that hurt when I wake up. Luckily, my glasses are made of titanium, so they are not going to break easily, but the way I squash them, they ought to. I wake up and am surprised by the time on the clock and can't believe I slept as long as I did. I mean, really, these aren't naps anymore. These are regular 'sleep through anything and everything major time outs.'

You see how I can't get enough of talking about sleep. That's because it plays such an important role in my life. It all revolves around sleep and how much I get of it. Or how little I get of it sometimes. How much I need to catch up on it at other times. Or the overdose of it I need at times. Sleep is the same to me as the medications I take. It settles something in my brain and I need certain amounts of it at certain periods of my week or month, otherwise I don't function well. When I have a hypomanic day, I need little sleep, but since that is always followed by a depressed period, I need a lot of sleep. Anxiety causes exhaustion, especially after the issue has been resolved.

Anyway, I thought today was the last day of my Monday and Friday creative classes, but I was wrong. Officially I'm not supposed to be there at all anymore, but the therapist is breaking the rules and letting me stay until my classes at the SPC start. I think that's a damn decent thing of her to do and I'm going to take full advantage of it. I have an appointment for an intake on Tuesday at the SPC and then I'll hear about my classes there and when I can start. Our head therapist, whom we all liked so much, has gone to work there and now everybody from all the different classes wants to go to the SPC. There's a regular run on it. The classes there are going to fill up quickly. I hope that what I want is still available. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

The dog is getting better. His appetite is back and he is a little happier. His B.M.'s are also looking better. He really likes the gourmet food I am spoiling him with, but he also likes his white bread sandwiches. I should put the gourmet food on his sandwiches, like Sloppy Joe's. Oh, I haven't had a Sloppy Joe in a long time, that would sure taste good. Or a hot dog, kosher with ketchup and mustard and onions. It would have to be French's mustard, though. No Dijon or anything like that. Or that horrible spicy Dutch mustard I bought the other day. Man, that stuff is so hot it makes your eyes water. It looked just like plain mustard to me, there was no warning on the label. Maybe all Dutch mustard is hot. I don't know. I never bought the stuff, because the Exfactor didn't like condiments. And to think that the first sandwich I fixed him had mayonnaise and mustard on it and he ate it. That's true love for you.

As is usual, it's taking me forever to write this. I'm allowing many interruptions to take place. A whole evening goes by before I've written one post. Sometimes I just sit and don't do anything, but reminisce while I drink my juice and smoke my cigarettes. I've slept right through the news, so I missed that and I will catch the repeats when I go to bed in a while. I don't know what the state of the country is at all, but as far as I know we're not at war, except in Afghanistan where we are involved in a 'peace mission.' Our prime minister didn't get to be president of the European Union, so we're not going to have elections, which is a shame. He said he wasn't really running for the job anyway, but that's just talking after the fact. He would have loved to have the job. We all wished he had gotten it.

I am utterly boring tonight. I don't have anything exciting to tell you. There's been no drama in my life today. It has been an utterly ordinary, run of the mill day. I am tired and I'm going to take my medicines and go to bed. I'm reading 'Beachcombing for a Shipwrecked God' by Joe Coomer. I don't know if I like it yet, because it's a male author writing from a female perspective in the first person. I think he is getting his gender characteristics mixed up and he uses a lot of details to describe anything and everything, which I find boring. So, it's probably a book I'm not going to like. But I'm giving it a chance.

Have a good night, sleep tight and then have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Wednesday late at night.

I just woke up from a long nap on the sofa. I slept for two and a half hours, so that is really more than a nap. That is a state of comatose existence. I woke up because the dog needed to go out. The poor dog who I took to the vet today and who turned out to be sick and got an antibiotic shot and antibiotic pills for 6 days. He's got a bacterial infection and was running a fever. I just gave him his first pills hidden in a slice of salami and that worked well.

I slept well last night, except that I had to get up when the dog had to go out urgently. He was making a lot of noise so I would wake up. Still, he had an accident in the spare bedroom, but I went straight back to sleep after that and woke up to the alarm clock and very grumpily made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the sofa and tried to wake up. That took me about an hour of drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. Then I quickly got up and got ready and walked the poor dog, who was in not such good shape and I resolved to take him to the vet at 1 pm.

First I had to go to my last Wednesday class and that was a little bit hard. Some of the people there I'm going to see again at the SPC, but others I may never see again and it was tough to say goodbye to them. You almost can't allow yourself to get sentimental about it, no matter how much you like them, because you know you can't form lasting attachments in that world. It's rare if you do. In the end we all go our own way. I wanted to get closer to some of the people, but everybody has their little privacy wall up and keeps their private world separated from the clinical world. There's one woman there I like so much and she is such a great artist and I really am going to miss seeing her, but she had her privacy wall up very much. I hope I run into her again. I hope she knows what a great artist she is. I think she doesn't realize it, although I always let her know.

People had brought things to eat with them for by the coffee and I had a piece of apple cake, but there was much more, which I couldn't eat, of course. There were even Negro kisses, which is a round wafer cookie, topped by a white mousse, covered in dark chocolate. I think we're not supposed to call them Negro kisses anymore, because it's not politically correct, but I don't know what they are called now. Nothing derogatory was ever meant by it. It was just an innocent name, but alas...

I brought all my artwork home with me rolled up in a tube and I have to have a good look at it and decide if any of it is worth keeping. Some things may be worth framing, but not all of it. Some of it is just plain silliness and can go. I wasn't always serious about what I was doing there. Some things were just experiments.

The shot of antibiotics seems to have done the dog a lot of good. He has done nothing but sleep all afternoon, except for the times I've let him out. He even ate most of a white bread sandwich. The vet said that he was probably feeling sick to his stomach and that is why his appetite was down. He is drinking a lot of water, so that is good. He is not dehydrating. When the dog is sick, it brings out all of my maternal feelings and I get very motherly. I'm overly concerned about him and watch him like a hawk. It's just like having a sick child and only the best is good enough for him.

He just ate 150 grams of some very good dog food and he ate it with pleasure. I think that is good enough for now. It means he's feeling better.

In the meantime, I'm sitting here enjoying the late hours of the night again. I don't have to get up early in the morning. I have an appointment with Social Services at 1 pm and I'm not looking forward to it very much. They'll want to know what I'm doing in my life and if I'm ready to be reintegrated. Obviously I'm not and I have to let them know that in a half hour appointment and that is causing me to feel some stress, although I have to say that my case manager there is a reasonable man and has been very kind in the past. I have to assume that the appointment will go well and all I have to do is tell the truth without embellishing. Still, I worry, because I don't know how well I can represent my own case. I suppose a certain amount of worrying is normal, because it will help me prepare myself for it. There's a fine line between worrying and feeling anxious, though. Feeling over anxious.

Right, I think I had better go to bed now. I will take my medicines and have something to eat and put my pajamas on.

I hope you all have a good night's sleep and a good morning. It never did rain here like it was supposed to.

Ciao,
Nora

Sense and sensibility...

I just made an attempt at mooching two more books over at Bookmooch. I'll find out if I was successful soon. I have my fourth cubicle on the bookcase filled up with mooched books and have to make room for a fifth one. Greediness doesn't come into play at all, of course! No, really! Well, the truth is, that whenever I have any points, I spend them on mooching books as quickly as I can, because my wish list is long. There are many people in the States who have good books, but who only send inside their own country, so I have to take advantage of books that are offered in European countries or other countries closer by. That's not always easy, not if I want to get the books that are on my wish list. I do deviate from it sometimes and try something else, but then I usually just end up enlarging my wish list to include that author as well. That got me to try Margaret Drabble's novels again and David Gutenberg, whom I had never read before. Some novels that I mooch I have read before through books borrowed from the library, but I want to reread them and own my own copy of them, like Beloved from Toni Morrison, a hauntingly beautiful book. I'm also trying to get as many books from Alice Adams as I can, but it is hard. I'm going to have to do another search for more of her books and see if I missed any.

In the meantime, I'm sitting here yawning and that is a good sign for the night to come. It will hopefully mean I'll have another good night's sleep like I had last night. I was so awfully cozy in bed and when I tried to read my book before I went to sleep, none of it made any sense at all, because I was incapable of reading it. I was too sleepy to be able comprehend what I was reading and it is the last story in the collection of stories by Alice Adams and especially poetic as she talks about her childhood home and she describes the garden and all the growing things in it. I remember thinking to myself that she was not making any sense at all and that she must be writing in some very special language and that I obviously needed to pay special attention and that I was not capable of it at all, try as I might. It was like being in the Twilight Zone.

I think my days off are not so very good for me at all. I sit and fret too much and don't actually get anything done, because I'm too busy being anxious about things. It would be different if I were actually productive, but today was another wasted day and I don't have much to show for it. I must make a change in that and get a different start to the day. Start off with more momentum and keep it going somehow. The computer is also taking up too much of my time and I have to do something about that. I allow myself to waste many precious hours behind it and turn it on first thing in the morning, instead of waiting until I have gotten some things done first. I waste the first hours of the day behind it, when I could be more productive doing other things. It's a habit I'm going to have to break. I'm a junkie, that's for sure. I must stop being one. My whole day revolves around the computer and it must stop.

Resolution made.

It's an awful lot of fun to sit here in the evenings, though, and and write my thoughts down. I shouldn't do that in the morning when I don't have the proper time for it, except on the weekends maybe. I do enjoy the serenity of the evenings and the peace and quiet and the idea that nothing else is required of me. That's why I need to fill my days in differently and be more productive, so that the evenings really will be those resting points that they are meant to be. The dog has the right idea. He makes sure he's eaten well and that he's made his pit stops and settles down for the evening, only coming around to be petted every now and then. I guess what a body needs is consistency and structure and I'm not giving myself that. I think that's what's causing the anxiety, I'm not living a structured life. I'm the only one who can change that.

Tomorrow morning I have creative therapy. It will be the last Wednesday class. I will work on my silly pen and ink drawing that I have no idea of what it's supposed to be. Maybe I'll do something completely different as long as I can finish it in one morning. I like working with the pen and ink and would like to invest in them myself and also get the colored inks. They are a lot of fun to work with. I like them better than working with paints. I like how they are just a bit transparent, yet cover the spaces quickly. You can use any size brush and work as small or as large as you want with them. Or just use the pen and draw. I have a lot of ideas of what I could do with colored inks if I had them myself. I'm going to look for them when I go to Action and hopefully they'll have them there and they won't be too expensive. I am participating in a Card Exchange in January and would like to make some of my own cards and the inks would be prefect for that.

After that, I have one more creative class on Friday and that will be it. Then I have some time off until the therapy starts at the SPC. That stands for the Social Psychiatric Center, by the way. It's almost the same in Dutch as it is in English. Het Sociale Psychiatrisch Centrum. I'll miss my creative classes, but I think it will also be good to do something different in a different location with a different therapist. It will give me a whole new point of view and maybe I'll learn new techniques and discover hidden talents. A new environment can be stimulating and release new ideas and give me courage to try new things. I sure hope that I don't start repeating myself and redo all the things I have done so far just to prove that I can do it. I already know what I want to start with there. I have the idea about that fixed in my head and it has to do with aboriginal art. I saw some examples of it there and I want to try it myself.

Alright, it's time for me to go to bed. First I will take my medicines and have something to eat. Then I will get my books and go lay me down to read and, perchance, to sleep. Well, I better. I have to get up early.

I hope you will all have a good night and that your morning will bring you good weather. Unfortunately, it's going to rain here, which is really a bummer. I do so dislike getting wet, but you already knew that.

Ciao,
Nora

Sunday is lovely too...

I'm going to drink lots of coffee, because I need it, as I just woke up from a comatose nap on the sofa and I think I have the seam of the arm cushion imprinted on my face. Actually, I wasn't as comatose as all that, because I had coughing fits every now and then and that bothered the dog and he barked at me every time I did (my gastric band was regurgitating the salami I had eaten earlier). So I suppose you could say that I had a fitful comatose nap, because I was completely out of it in between the fits of coughing.

A few hours passed this way and now I have to stay up until 10 pm at least, so I'll be on a normal schedule and sleep through the night, so I can go to creative therapy in the morning. There will be much temptation to stay in bed, I know it now, and I'll have to convince myself to get dressed and go and overcome my own resistance. I'll find excuses not to go and want to give in to the lure of my warm bed and maybe I'll be in a low mood and I'll have to sleep more. All of these things can happen. I even think that I'll stay home and clean house and go grocery shopping instead, which are things that also need to happen, but I can do those things later in the day, except that it seems harder to do them then and I have lost a lot of my motivation by that time. I've run out of milk and do need to get that and I also need to buy porridge and dog bones.

For some strange reason, it hasn't rained all day, although the wind is blowing as hard as ever, reminding us that it's still Autumn and that we're not out of this low pressure system yet. The sky has been overcast all day and the sun didn't shine once. At least all the puddles in the streets have dried up and the street cleaner came by on Friday and swept up all the dead leaves. Do not very quaintly imagine a man with a broom here and a pushcart. It was all done with a truck with big revolving brushes underneath it. We do not have babushkas with twig brooms sweeping in the streets like they do in Russia. There's not that much romance in it, after all, and all the leaves on the sidewalks are removed with those horrible leaf blowers. That is, when it's not raining. When it rains, I imagine the men play cards or have their days off. Isn't it strange how you never wonder about that? What do they do when it rains?

The dog pretended he wanted to eat, but when I filled his bowl, he turned his nose up at it and went to sleep. Well, there's only so much you can do. You can't say I didn't try. It seems I spend the day trying to figure out all his different demands and it is getting worse the older he gets and I think that's because he is getting a little bit confused and doesn't know himself what he wants. He is a little bit addled and the other day he barked at a tree. I think his sight is going as well as his hearing. He bumps into things sometimes in the living room, although most of the time he navigates his way through alright. It's when he gets in tight spots that he makes misjudgments and clonks into things with his head. The other day he was stuck in the corner of the hallway, right beside the door, waiting for me to open it. I had to redirect him to the right place.

I wonder if and when I'll ever turn into a proper housewife again. I seems that I lose control over the household on a regular basis and then somehow in a short amount of time have to pull it together again, but I never get it as clean as it ought to be. It always gets out of hand and I seem not to be able to just keep up with it. I feel enormous amounts of frustration and I'm happy if I just get the most basic jobs done, such as the laundry and the dishes and changing the bed. The bigger jobs are a challenge and I only do them when I have no other choice and I don't do them well. Even my sense of pride isn't big enough to motivate me to get them done right, because I feel defeated halfway through. I used to be such a good housewife and be real house proud. I can certainly not say that about myself now. I must talk to my SPN about getting help in the household on a regular basis. Someone who will come in and do the big jobs once a week, so that I can do the little jobs in between, which there are enough of. I must clean house well this coming week, because J. is coming next weekend and I want the place to look nice and I want the floors mopped, which badly needs to happen. Oh, how I hate linoleum. I wish I had never gotten it. It's the bane of my life and it's hard to clean. I am just having an anxiety attack now, because I have so much to do.

I must look in my closet and decide what I'm going to wear tomorrow. It needs to be something new and interesting, because I've been wearing the same old thing nearly all week. It must match the green scarf I am wearing, otherwise I have to find a different scarf and I like this one a lot because it's very warm. They'll have to be warm clothes, because it's still cold outside and I will want to wear layers, which is fun. You can make amusing ensembles when you wear layers and scarves. One thing I know is that I'm going to wear my denim skirt. So I must find things to match that. I will be fun to dig into my closet and find the possibilities. The stuff is packed in there so tight, that it's easy to overlook something. And then, of course, everything falls of its hangers, which is a major frustration, and the stuff ends up in the bottom of the closet. I do always forget which clothes I have and it is always a revelation to see what I run into. I have dresses that I hardly wear, because I prefer skirts with pockets and boleros that are cute that I can wear over long sleeved shirts, but those may be too cold. Oh well, I'll see. I'll take some time and really make a study of it. It will be something to look forward to. I'll let you know what I end up with. I have some good ideas already.

I've walked the dog for what I hope is the last time today. It's funny how he can be completely out cold one moment and demanding something unknown to me the next. Usually he settles down alright at night after we've had our last walk and he really settles down when I've gone to bed. There's not a peep out of him after that, usually, I must add.

I'll go look in my closet now and see what I can come up with. Something very exciting hopefully. It must be warm, that's one stipulation. I will not be cold these coming days.

Have a good rest of the day or a good evening, actually.

Oh, those of you in England, don't send any more rain this way.

Ciao,
Nora

Wasting no time and dressed warm enough.

Because it's such miserable weather outside, stormy and rainy with gusts of cold wind, I have dressed in a double layer of clothes this morning and I am so pleasantly warm, that I am surprised at myself for not having thought of it sooner, because I was suffering for naught and being very unhappy in the cold and hating every moment of it. Now I am nicely warm, in the apartment too even, although it isn't really cold in here, but it just feels that way. I've got my green scarf wrapped loosely around my neck and am wearing my comfortable boots with my thickest socks and I'm toasty warm. I don't feel a draft around my legs, because I'm wearing two pairs of leggings. It's true, I only imagine I feel a draft and think my knees are getting cold, but the power of suggestion does a lot to a body. I don't even want to imagine that I'm cold, I want to feel that I'm really insulated. I'm wearing a long sleeved stretch t-shirt under my long sleeved top too, so my top half is also warm.

This made a huge difference when I got on my bike this morning, cursing the weather and praying that it wouldn't rain again, and I almost made it to creative therapy without getting wet, but I was warm.

The good thing about waterproof mascara is that you don't look like a raccoon when you arrive at your destination. All these things you have to think about. You could wear a hat, but it will make your hair flat and funny and you will look like a goof ball and no amount of fussing with you hair will set it right. Without a hat, there is a chance that it will get wet and that in combination with your hairspray will also give you a funky effect when you try to rub it dry with a towel. You will look like a punker and that is very hip and modern if you don't mind that look. I personally mind it less than the flat and funny look, which makes me look like a nun without her head cap on.

I always wait for the rain to stop and I say many wishful little prayers and make deals with a higher being. As soon as it stops raining, I rush out on my bike and try to get wherever I'm going before it rains again. Sometimes I make it and sometimes I don't. Sometimes it starts to rain when I'm out walking the dog and he picks that moment to decide he's found a very interesting spot to sniff for a very long time, until it dawns on him that it is raining and that he doesn't like that and we can go home. Needless to say, we´re wet by that time. Luckily, I don´t much mind the smell of wet dog and it disappears when he is dry again.

The gusts of wind make you feel cold through and through and that is really what you have to dress for. It´s more miserable than a cold freezing day without wind.

My sister came and picked up the paintings from creative therapy today. All five of them and it was the first time she saw them. She liked them a lot and told me to sell them for a lot of money. I´ve got them stacked against the wall of my bedroom now and I don´t rightly know what to do with them. I´ll have to ponder on it for a while. I suppose I can hang some of them up on the wall space that I have left, but I don´t have room for all five of them and I really should try to sell them, but I don´t know how yet. I´ll think about that. The problem is, that I´m attached to everything I make and only want them to go to people I like. The other thing is that I like a lot of people and if I knew they got good homes, it would be good advertising for me too. Like the collages. I could send those to people in a tube, if I knew they would get properly framed at their destination. I know one person who has a shop. I need to get in touch with her and see about selling my stuff there. I also want to frame some things for myself to hang up in the living room.

So you see, you create and create, but what do you do with it? That´s the question.

I was tired of lugging cans of dog food home with me, so I went to a pet store on line and ordered dog food there. I figured out what I spend at the store every month and then picked out what I could afford. It will be delivered free of charge in a few days. The dog has a surprise coming to him. He is going on a diet and will be getting smaller portions and more dried food. I will have to be very strict with him and not give in to his sad looking cocker spaniel eyes when he refuses to eat the very good dried food. I got him the best and he has to eat it. It will be a matter of his willpower against mine, except that he can bark when he´s stubborn and wake up the neighbors. He´s got that trick all figured out. He knows if he barks early in the morning, he gets what he wants sooner.

A slice of rye bread is the size of a slice of cake, but then much thinner. I just can´t eat a whole slice of rye bread with luncheon meat on it. The last bite or two are for the dog. I have to pay close attention to the feeling in my little stomach above my gastric band and as soon as it gets the least bit of pressure on it, I have to stop eating. As a matter of fact, I should spit out the bite that I have in my mouth and not even swallow it. That will prevent all discomfort. I have to chew my food very well, really grind it into the smallest possible pieces before I swallow it. That´s why it was so easy to eat the porridge. It just slid down without any problem, but it was very fattening and I put lots of sugar on it. It´s no wonder I gained all that weight. Eating the rye bread is okay. It tastes good, but it is a lot harder than eating the porridge and not nearly as satisfying. But it does make me feel full and that is the main thing. I´m not feeling hungry and I really have to think about if I want to eat again. If I eat too soon, I will be extremely uncomfortable and that is absolutely no fun. I can´t stuff my face, which I suppose is a very good thing.

Shoot, do you see how I jump from one subject to the next? That´s the way my mind works. Never dwell on one thing for too long, get on to the next thing as quickly as possible. Don´t be dull and long winded. Be surprising and amusing.

Well, I´ve been amusing long enough now and I´m going to end this long ramble that´s not going anywhere in particular quickly. At creative therapy, I drew a big circle and filled it with little four leaved flowers done in pen and ink. Now I´m coloring them with a teeny brush and colored ink. It´s monk´s work and it keeps me off the streets.

Ciao,
Nora

Thursday early in the morning.

I was so tired after a, for me, intensive day yesterday, that I went to sleep at 9 pm, even after I had taken a nap on the sofa in the late afternoon and slept through the alarm clock at 6 pm, which is amazing with its incessant beeping. Since it was in the bedroom, it did lower the impact of the sound somewhat, yet normally I can hear it very well, but obviously I was in a coma and oblivious of everything. It was Jesker who woke me up eventually, because he needed to go out and was making very urgent noises right by my ear.

I did manage to make it to creative therapy and worked on my fantasy pen and ink drawing, which really is nothing special at all and I think I am just wasting my time on it and it is going to end up rolled up on top of my closet and never see the light of day again. That's not because I'm down on myself, but because I absolutely don't like what I'm doing and am just filling up my time. I only have one more class to go to on Wednesday next week and that is it.

I did get the proper form to request an intake for the SPC and mailed it to my SPN so she can fill it out and get the ball rolling on that process, It shouldn't take long. Mostly it's a question of formalities, which is good, because I got a letter with an appointment in the mail yesterday from Social Services to talk about my situation and where I stand in the reintegration process. I think that's just a formality too, as I think it's been a year since I was there last. They probably want to make sure I'm still as nuts as ever.

In the afternoon it started to rain again, so I had to wait for it to stop until I could run my errands, because I was not about to get soaked on my bike. Finally, at 2:30, it stopped raining and I took all the books that had to be mailed and went to the little post office first, where the damage to my wallet was not as bad as it could have been, so I heaved a sigh of relief.

Then I did my grocery shopping, in the most economical fashion, and I really took my time and compared prices, because I was buying things I normally don't buy and I was also trying to buy enough groceries to last me for a week. It's fun to buy new items and comparison shop and see how much difference there is in price and the assumed quality of the product, which can never be bad if you shop at a good supermarket. They've got they're reputation at stake, after all. I do buy the store brand if I can.

When I got that done and had filled the bike bags and the shopping bag, I stopped by the tobacco shop for my weekly supply of tobacco and got home just in time before the next shower hit. It's more fun to put the groceries away when you have new items and it is especially fun when you have three animals helping you. They always assume that I've brought home stuff for them and they assume right. I always give them something to eat, even if I already had that in the cupboards, because they don't know the difference. The dog always gets a bone and the cats get fresh kibbles. It's a ritual.

In an effort to eat healthier, and to lose weight, I had decided that I didn't want to live on porridge anymore, although I love the stuff and can eat mountains of it. That's just the problem. I had bought very thin sliced black rye bread and light mayonnaise and three kinds of luncheon meats. I have discovered that I can eat one slice of rye bread with two slices of luncheon meat at the time, and that I can eat another one an hour later. And I am satisfied then. I started off with salami and it was so good. It was the best thing I've tasted in a long time and it was nice to chew my food for a change. I have to chew it well, keeping in mind my gastric band, but all goes well and one slice is just enough. Rye bread is high in vitamin B, iron, zinc, potassium, magnesium, fiber and calcium. So that and drinking low fat milk and multi vitamin fruit juice should keep me in good shape. I have to lose 12 kilos, believe it or not. That's what eating all that porridge did for me. That's 26 pounds. Picture that in your head.

Well, anyway, I'm going back to bed for just a little while to sleeps some more. I think it's too early to be up already. I've taken my medicines and the start of the day can wait for a bit. I've got a better thing to do.

Have a good morning you all.

Ciao,
Nora

Barely any time...

I don't have much time to write this post, because it is my intention to go to creative therapy this morning and I don't want to be too late. I'll just rattle through this as quickly as I can and drink my coffee and smoke my cigarettes at the same time. It should be easy, I do it all the time.

I finished my book, The Reading Group, and it had a predictable happy ending, which is okay if you're in the mood for that. It was all a little bit too easy, I thought, but it was a pleasant read before going to sleep at night and on those occasions I read it on the sofa before taking a nap. It was a good book before falling asleep. I have now started on a book with short stories by Alice Adams and finished the first one. It was good. The book is called Return Trips. Both these books were mooched and neither one of them were originally on my wish list, but as I expanded it, they got to be on there. My wish list is long. I look for authors I like and see what books are available and try to mooch them. They stay on my wish list until I'm successful.

I slept well. Not as long as I would have liked too, but long enough, I guess. I also slept on the sofa in the evening. I have the ringer on the telephone turned down low so that if I'm asleep, it doesn't wake me up, because there's nothing worse than being woken up by the telephone. I figure, whoever tries to call me can call back. Nothing can really be that urgent that I have to wake up for it and then there's always my mobile phone if I really need to be reached, but it is in my purse and I may not even hear it. I may in fact be incommunicado. What a wonderful idea.

My mood is better. I haven't gone tumbling down again, but I must add that I take regular naps. I have made a decision, but I don't have the time to blog about that now and will leave it for another time, but since I have made that decision, I feel like a weight has fallen of my shoulders. I take the Temazepam when I need to and it helps, but I don't need to take it often and I'm going to try to do without today. We'll see if I can make that, even though it may turn into a hectic day.

I actually feel pretty good now and am not as down in the dumps as I have been in the morning lately. I look forward to the day with a healthy amount of excitement. I see this as a good sign and I hope I can hang on to that mood for the rest of the day, but if I can't, I know what to do. It is solvable.

It's good not to see everything in a black light anymore, but to be able to look at things more optimistically and with a certain amount of confidence. I have the feeling that I'm on the right track and that I can look into the future and catch a glimpse of how things are going to be and I think they are going to be alright and that gives me courage.

According to this weather forecast thingy I have on my computer, it is going to be 16C today, that's 61F, can you believe it for November? I hardly know which clothes to put on. I better try it with layers, because in the morning it is still cold. At least we're not expecting any rain, thank goodness. That's the worst stuff when you have to go out on your bike. At the rate I'm saving money now, I will be a very old lady before I can afford a car and stay dry.

Well, unfortunately I have to get the show on the road. Duty calls. The animals and those sort of things.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,
Nora

Bouncing back...

I seem not to be bouncing back as well as I initially thought I was. I thought I could get through the hurt quickly and leave it behind me and move on. Instead, I find myself rapid cycling and I have to go to bed when it strikes and go to sleep until it passes and when I get up hours later it usually has. The problem is that it happens again after I've been up for awhile and I have to repeat the process all over again. I have just gotten up and hope that I can finish this post now and maybe be spared another round of it.

The days all look alike and I am not doing anything out of the ordinary. I have not been to creative therapy all week, causing phone calls from concerned therapists and promises that I will show up. Usually, in the morning, I am too defeated to go and I go back to bed and sleep some more, an hour or three anyway. I also sleep in the afternoon and in the evening and then at night, of course.

The Exfactor has been by twice this week to check on me, which I really appreciate. Yesterday he did the groceries for me, thank goodness. I would not have been able to do them myself. He's been a good friend without taking advantage of the situation.

It's funny how your moods have a mind of their own and there's nothing much you can do about them. You can't tell yourself to get over them and to keep a stiff upper lip and to not give into them. They come as they like, just like a storm does, and you can do nothing to stop them except to go to sleep. When you're in a mood like that, you can be very destructive and ruin many good relationships, because you're so aggressive and angry. You also feel like breaking up the furniture and throwing with things, so you can see why going to sleep is such a better alternative. You feel most unkind and want to take that out on people who are just innocent bystanders and have done nothing to deserve your anger. Manic dysphoria that's called and it isn't pretty.

I have just talked to my psychiatrist and was able to get my story across in the least amount of words and he is sending a prescription for 10 mg Temazepam to the pharmacy so I can take those during the day and sleep when I need to. All I had to mention was rapid cycling and manic dysphoria and he knew what I was talking about. It's nice if you can use the right terminology. It gets the message across better and clearer. I feel better for having talked to him, so he knows what's going on with me. You do get a tendency to feel awfully alone when your psychiatric symptoms rear their ugly head.

I just walked the dog. The sky is blue and the sun is shining, but there's a cold wind blowing and it's 10C outside. That's not all that cold, 50F, but the wind makes it feel colder. It's actually nice weather for the time of year. We could have been having snow flurries now. Thank goodness we're spared those. It's supposed to get up to 14C today and tomorrow it's even supposed to get as warm as 16C. The weather is confused and I have that tree growing in a pot that's still putting out little leaves. It's in the sunshine nearly all day and must think it's supposed to do this now. I have another teeny tree growing in another pot, but it's not doing much. I think it needs a little bit of encouragement. It's not getting enough sun and I will transplant it to a pot in the sun with more soil in it.

Right, add that to all the other little chores I have left to do and am not getting around to right now. I will one of these days. The timing is just not right now. Not when I spend so much time sleeping. I hardly get around to reading blog posts, I must try and get caught up on those. I've gotten five books this past week and still have not made room for them on the bookcase, so I must try and do that today. "Try" is the operational word here. I don't make myself any promises and I don't set any deadlines.

I've watered the plants, but two of them dropped a lot of their little leaves, I think I may have waited to long and then over watered them. The fig plant is indestructible as ever and so is the prayer plant. The plants on the kitchen windowsill are doing fine, they get filtered sunlight and seem happiest. I have to transplant one of them to a bigger pot with better soil, but that is another one of those chores that I'm not getting around to, having no deadlines.

I didn't wear my glasses for a day for the sake of vanity and the next day I had very sore eyes. So, that was a very clear and short lived experiment. It's good to have the cause and effect clear immediately. There was no doubt about it. Now I'm wearing my glasses again dutifully and my eyes aren't bothering me. I especially need them when I sit behind the computer. And to think I couldn't with the other pair, because they weren't cut right. It's a blessing that I lost those.

Well, that's all the exciting news I had to share for today and I'm still in a good mood. Thank God for little favors. Maybe it will hang on for a while.

Have a good day, count your blessing, as I count mine, no matter how hard it gets sometimes and I know it does for you too.

Ciao,
Nora.

So very chilly...

The boiler repairman came yesterday, but he did not have a ventilator, which is what the boiler needs, so he is supposed to come back this afternoon. I hope he keeps his promise, because I'm starting to miss my hot water an awful lot now. I want to put my cold hands into a sudsy sink full of dishes and hot water and I'd like for the apartment to be heated and I'd also like to wash my hair, which is sticking up from sleeping on it and looks kind of spunky, but I'm not so much into the spunky look right now. I'm becoming quite sedate in my late middle age. I was going to say, in my dotage, but it's not quite as bad as that. Not yet anyway.But seriously people, I'm wearing two layers of clothes and my boots and I'm cold. I think I need thermal underwear...

------------------

I pulled on a big sweater and took a huge nap on the sofa. At least I was warm enough to do it. I am still toasty warm now, so that big sweater has made all the difference. Even my hands have gotten warm and my nose also. This sweater is made of wool, so you can't beat that for warmth. I got it from my sister a few years ago and it has been an old stand by ever since. I can pull it on over all of my clothes and be comfortable, or wear it outside when it isn't too cold yet.

The repairman called to say that he would be here tomorrow morning, because he could not get the ventilator today. I know he felt bad for disappointing me, I could tell by the sound of his voice. He promised to be here at 8 am, which I think is very early. I may not be quite up to it then, but I guess I'll have to be. I don't think I'll be dressed by that time, because it is my day off, although in reality it is house cleaning day and grocery shopping day. You know how much I'm looking forward to that, right?

I was talking to another woman today and she said, "You know, house cleaning doesn't at all come naturally to me." And I answered, "Don't feel bad, it doesn't to me either." I think it did when I still had the nesting syndrome when my kids were younger and in theory I could have had another child. I was always being a proper hausfrau then and dragging the vacuum cleaner through the house. In my mind I had another baby once a month and I very often pictured where I would put the playpen and the high chair. So, it wasn't so strange that I was always cleaning up the place in preparation for another child.

But that instinct is completely gone now and I'm not interested in, or getting that much satisfaction out of cleaning house. It's done too often and too dull a job and it comes undone too easily for me to be satisfied with. I don't get that sense of pride from it. If I do get it, the duration is so short, that I hardly notice it. I've just given up caring about it, because of the never ending battle and I do so want carpeting in the living room and hallway. Anything to keep the dust down. I'll do that next year in the summer.

Anyway, It was cold on my bike this morning when I went to creative therapy. The tears were running down my face. I had a snotty nose when I got there, but luckily tissues in my pocket. I had forgotten that I had a different color hair, so I was surprised when people looked at me and did a double take and said," Oh, I like your hair!" The reactions have all been positive, but I really wasn't expecting anything else. I'm pleased with it myself, so I assume people will like it.

I was going to make a doodle this morning and got out all the fine point black pens, but none of them were working well and I had to give up on that project, so I got out an old fashioned pen and a bottle of ink and started to draw with it. I've drawn a continent (made up) and I'm filling it with little drawings of minuscule things. Right now I'm working on tiny flowers that all have to fit together. They don't all have to be the same size, as long as they are small. I don't know yet what else I will draw to fill it up with yet. I have to use my imagination, or look and see what somebody else is doing and get inspired by them. It's itsy bitsy little work and I have to be very patient, but for some reason I am. I like working with that pen, but am a little bit frustrated when I run out of ink and have to dip it in the bottle again. That's how I learned to write when I was a kid, with pen and ink and if you were real good, you got to write in green ink.

Oh yes, Ive changed my template. I've decided that I didn't want to be so obviously out there with my blog page and the header image and the header title. I like this better. It is a little more demure and calm and serene. It pleases my sense of order. It is all very nice and well to try and make your own design, but I like this design from Blogger, although I do wish they had more choice. I hope they catch on to that one day and offer us more to choose from like Wordpress does, but Wordpress has other limitations, so that's why I'm not going back there. You can't just go somewhere for the choice of templates. And don't try to upload those other free Blogger templates, it's not worth the headache you'll get from it.

It's supposed to rain tomorrow and it's not going to be very warm. Well, you do get used to any temperature and as long as the wind isn't blowing too hard, you can stand anything, as long as you're dressed warm enough. We were standing out on the deck today smoking cigarettes and it was not nice out there, but we stood there as if it was a spring day. It even started to sprinkle a little, but we didn't budge. We are die hards. The smoking room was filled with a group of cackling women from the cooking group and I would have felt like I was intruding and so did the others. Actually, come to think of it, the other people who were there out on the deck hardly ever sit in the smoking room. They stand outside in a blizzard. God, I hope we don't get one of those. No snow, please.

I have to walk the dog. We forgot our 6 pm walk and now he is sound asleep and will be hard to get up again. He is snoring, so that means he is way out west. He thinks he's all done for tonight. At least it's not raining now, so we won't get wet.

Have a good evening or a good rest of the day, whatever you can make of it.

Ciao,
Nora

With brown hair.

I will just write a post to tell you that I had a good day and that I have brown hair. I won't get into the nitty gritty of the day too much, because I have to let it all sink in and find it's place and I'm to high and slightly manic now to produce a serious post about serious subjects. Part of the reason I am slightly manic now is that I forgot a dose of medications this afternoon and the subsequent dose I took hasn't gotten me down enough yet, so I have to take another one. I will go do that right now.

So anyway, after a quite heavy duty session with my psychiatrist, he asked me if I was going to do anything nice for myself, because he thought that was necessary, and I said that yes, I was going to color my hair. It was an idea that I had thought of in the morning when I saw another woman with short hair like mine who had gone from a blond to a brunette and I really liked it. I assumed I would look good with brown hair because of the color of my eyes and the coloring of my skin. So when I left my psychiatrist, I stopped by the drugstore and bought the hair coloring and I had a lucky day, because I got two boxes for the price of one, so I can do the next job for free. That will assure me that I keep it looking good.

When I got home, I read the instructions well, although they are always the same, but you never know if they are going to change them some day. I put on my brave shoes and mixed the solution and applied it to my hair and waited 30 minutes. It had turned a very dark brown when I got ready to shampoo it, but I assumed everything was well. I really lathered it up well to get all of the solution out of my hair properly and rinsed my hair very well and applied the conditioner and let that sit for a few minutes. My hair was very dark because it was wet and I thought that maybe it was too dark. But when I rinsed the conditioner out and dried my hair really well with a towel, I could see the real color and it was perfect. It was just the way I imagined it would be.

What I forgot to buy is a shampoo for brown hair and before I wash my hair, I want to go back to the store and buy that. I don't want to ruin the color with just any shampoo. I do want to treat my hair right and make the color last as long as possible. I'm so pleased with how this turned out that I'm going to keep this color for awhile and it's so nice and shiny looking that I want to try and keep it that way too.

Anyway, that was my successful adventure in hair coloring. You pay forty Euros for that at the hairdresser. My sister called while I was mixing the solution and she wanted me to come over when I was done with my hair, so the dog and I walked over there for our evening walk. She liked my hair and thought it suited me well and I can only agree with her. Even my nephew liked it and he is fifteen, so that's saying a lot.

At creative therapy I got the painting from one creative space to the other and worked on it all morning. For some reason it is easier for me to work on paintings where I am on Mondays and Fridays. The tables are higher and the light is better, I think. It must be that those things make the difference. I got a lot done and it's going faster than I had anticipated.

I'm coming down off my high now. The medication is working and I'm becoming quite normal again.

I'm going to change into my pajamas and get comfortable and watch television. This was just a short post about my hair. A short silly post about my hair.

Have a good night, don't let the bed bugs bite and all that...

Ciao,
Irene

I sang the blues.

I had the blues all weekend and basically did nothing much but take naps on the sofa. I had the computer turned off for long periods of time and fell asleep on the sofa continually watching sports, either football or speed skating. Every once in a while there was a program on that caught my attention and for which I managed to stay awake, but mostly I slept and when I say I had the blues, I mean I really didn't feel like doing anything at all. I even thought about giving up blogging. My own mind was trying to trick me into thinking that nothing I did had any value at all and that I might as well quit doing anything and just play dead.

I never write that I'm having the blues while I'm having them, because it would mean that I'm giving into them and I don't want to do that, so yesterday I was incapable of writing a post. I would have written one lament after the other and it would have been a very depressing piece of writing. Yesterday, I decided, was a lost day and I don't mourn for it one bit. Apparently I needed a large time out of doing absolutely nothing and I wasted almost every minute of it. I did a few useful things such as walk the dog and put out the trash, but that is about it.

I am very busy while I sleep at night. I have the most interesting dreams in which I work out all sorts of issues from my past having to do with all sorts of people that belong there.They are not bad dreams, but like whole movies that take place in my head and very intricate and I'm sorry when I wake up and the dream stops. I try to go back to sleep and land in the dream where I left off. I'm constantly redeemed in my dreams and very happy and I'm always setting things right and making pleasant discoveries and all the symbolism is clear to me. I feel very lucky when I dream like this and it makes going to sleep a pleasure.

Now, however, it is Monday morning and time to get into the regular rhythm of life again. I have creative therapy this morning and an appointment with my psychiatrist and my SPN this afternoon. For creative therapy, I think I will get the painting that I'm working on on Wednesdays and work on it today, otherwise I will not get it done on time. I will start a smaller project on Wednesdays and work on the painting on Mondays and Fridays. All the classes stop on December the 1st or thereabouts. It's a shame, but that's the way it is. There's nothing anyone can do to change it. Upper management decides these things. It's a terrible thing when management, instead of health carers, decides the course of things for patients.

My dog is so sweet, the way he is lying at my feet, so innocent in his sleep. It makes your heart melt just to look at him. I can get so sentimental about him. Thank goodness that I allow myself to get sentimental about something. I so very rarely do nowadays. That's why, when you live alone, you need an animal in your life. It's really good for those stray feelings of love and affection and it's good to be responsible for something beside yourself.

Lately I've been listening to music again. I've been using the Real Player on which I have stored all of my own music. It's handy, because I just play whatever music I'm in the mood for and I have all kinds. I also have music that I loaned from the library, so I have extra choice. I have good speakers to go with the computer so it really is a pleasure to listen to it. I must say, that when it comes to material things, I came through the divorce well, because I got to keep almost everything and what I didn't, I don't miss. In the meantime, The Exfactor has managed to replace all the items he left behind and then some. I would have really missed the computer if I hadn't been able to keep it and the Exfactor has a laptop and a PC now.

I was very lucky in that we had just refurbished the living room and everything was new or repainted and when I imagine that while we were doing this the Exfactor was having an affair, I have to laugh, because that explains the reason why he was so co-operative. If I hadn't been so naive I would have figured it out sooner. Oh well, water under the bridge now. In the end I did and that's the most important thing. I did get a nice living room and that is important to me. I mustn't think about it being left undone and having to fix it up all by myself. Horrors!

I remember when the Exfactor officially left and I walked through the apartment and touched everything and said to myself, "This is mine now, all mine." It was especially important to get my own name on the mailbox and I'll never forget the day that it was. Those were very special moments. It was my emancipation and for the first time in my life I was really free. I do have the Exfactor and his affair to thank for that. He did me no small favor. For as badly shaken up as I was at first, I sure took it well when it came down to divorcing him. That was one of the best things I ever did. The liberation of me. And I got to keep the dog too!

Well, it's time to get the day started. I have to feed the dog and walk him and do numerous other things. At least the blues are gone now.

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

The day of days.

I woke up very clearheaded and sure of myself this morning. My decision was made and I was sticking to it. That was until I started answering some comments that I had gotten to my previous posts and I wonder at the wiseness of discussing my life on line into the minutest detail, because, of course, I get all sorts of advice and that causes me to doubt my own mind and my own decisions. I again feel the insecurity creep in and again feel my nerves stretch taut and I want to reach for my medication and take an extra pill to make it all more bearable. Which I end up doing.

Because I had gotten up early, and because the worrying made me so tired, I went back to bed for a while and woke up at 9 am. I got dressed in a hurry and walked the dog and made cigarettes. Then I hopped on my bike to go to creative therapy where I arrived a bit late, but where everyone was hapy to see me nevertheless. The therapist had been informed about my dilemma and was up to date and very supportive. She talked to me about what I wanted to do and I said that I wanted to cancel my enrollment in the new classes. So we talked about that for a while and she wanted to make sure that I wasn't making a mistake and then she decided that she would go with me when I went to see the head therapist when I told her this.

The rest of the morning I worked on my painting that is going very slowly, but I was having a hard time keeping my mind on it. We women chatted about other things and everything under the sun. There were no men in the class, which loosens us up to talk about women's issues more. Having a chocolate bar in the house and not being able to just eat one piece of it, but having one square of it one after the other until it is all gone. Can you imagine a man discussing this? Or what kind of chocolate is best to eat with what kind of filling. And I say pure chocolate bonbons with a creamy filling, but we were divided on that, though we all agreed that pure chocolate was the healthiest to eat.

We drank tea and I had green tea with two sugars in it and it was delicious, although one sugar would have sufficed. I must remember that for the next time. The therapist had a Toblerone chocolate bar and we ate that and some of us had more than our share of it. It had nuts in it and it was good.

At the end of the session the therapist and I went in search of the head therapist who was all ready to go with me to the new class, but I told her that I wasn't going at all and that I would cancel my enrollment in all the classes. She disagreed with me doing it, but said that the final decision laid with me and that only I could make up my mind about it. She said I acted out of fear and I said I acted out of instinct and she said that she hoped I was right. She also said not to burn my bridges behind me and to leave a possibility to re-enter the program if I needed to. I said I would, but I doubt it.

Then I went to the office downstairs and withdrew officially from the classes, although there was only a secretary who took my message and I'm sure somebody will call me about it. It would surprise me if they didn't.

In the meantime, I have found some Temazepam that are not as strong as the ones I have been taking, but I only have a few of them and took one this afternoon. I still feel the need to settle my nerves, as I'm not back to normal yet. I will be forced to call my psychiatrist to ask him for some to have to take as needed and I don't know if he's going to be happy about that. I will call my SPN and ask her about it. Maybe she can run interference for me. That's what she's there for, after all. Not that my psychiatrist is the boogie man.

I had washed my hair this morning and with much stunt work got it to stay in the right place so it looked like a decent hairdo, but then I got rained on when I went to creative therapy and then someone said, "Oh, your hair looks so nice." I thought, "You've got to be kidding." I looked in the mirror and saw a women with rained on hair, it wasn't especially attractive. I wore no make up, because I hadn't had the time to apply any and it didn't seem to matter, which makes me think I will go for that fresh scrubbed look, or maybe just apply some mascara and not bother with the rest. Since I wear glasses, nobody seems to notice any change in my appearance anyway. Well, except that I wore my cardigan inside out, somebody did notice that, but that was easily solved.

Somebody needs to come and clean my apartment. I seem to be unable to handle it myself. I am snowed under. A day of hard work will set it right, but I don't have it in me. I need help. It's something I need to discuss with my SPN.

I've got to eat now and take a nap. I feel sleep coming on. I'll read little in my book and doze off.

Have a good day you all.

Ciao,
Nora

What is it anyway?

After I had that bowl of porridge this afternoon, I couldn't resist the temptation and laid down on the sofa for just a little while with my book and, of course, I fell asleep for an hour and a half, but it was very pleasant and I don't feel at all like I've ruined it for tonight, because I still feel that I've got plenty of sleep left in me. As a matter of fact, I'm yawning as I write this and tears are running down my face and I'm yawning so hard, that I'm in danger of dislocating my jaw, which I will have to push back in place myself if it does. Everything is crackling and popping every time I yawn. It will have to be part of my self sufficiency, how to relocate my jaw after yawning. Just like changing light bulbs and reconnecting the computer.

The Exfactor always thought that I didn't know how to do those things. He assumed I was helpless. He didn't know I had 22 years experience at being not helpless, at being competent. He was a rescuing knight on a white horse whether you wanted to be rescued or not. He pulled your survival tools right out of your hands and made you unskilled and all thumbs. Some people are that way. They are Super Good Samaritans and don't let other people figure things out for themselves. There are Mother Theresas all over the world in all guises. They are so eager to do good deeds, that they are constantly looking for victims and if they can't find them, they create them.

It feels like it is very late at night already, but is isn't. I've got my pajamas and my bathrobe on. The pharmacy delivered my medication. I just told them to do it and didn't give them a reason why. I very easily could have picked it up myself, but I didn't feel like going out at the end of the afternoon when my prescriptions were being faxed. There's always a lot of traffic then and I do so hate crossing those two intersections at that time of the day.

I've never gotten quite competent at riding my bike again when I came back to the Netherlands. I do a good job, but I always worry about the traffic. I feel very vulnerable after all those years of always driving a car. I feel especially so when my bike is loaded with groceries and I'm glad I live so close to the grocery store, because I worry even over that short distance. I still yell at pedestrians downtown that step of the sidewalk in front of my bike. They are suicidal, but I will have the biggest injuries and when you live alone, you don't want a broken arm. It's hard to go to the toilet on your own with only one arm functioning. I yell, "Watch out, watch out!" I can't ring my bell fast enough. Or at people who walk on the cobblestoned streets, "Will you please go walk on the sidewalk?" Those cobblestoned streets make you rattle and shake as it is. It's hard to keep control over your bike. You just hobble all over the place.

It's all an effort by the city to make the streets downtown look as authentic as possible, but those cobbletones are murder on your bike, or your ankles when you walk on them. Sturdy shoe wear is advised. Ladies with high heels shouldn't go there, you see evidence of them stuck in the cracks. Not the ladies, but the high heels.

I'm having a terrifically tall glass of fruit juice to quench my thirst. Drinking coffee makes you thirsty and this fruit juice is the greatest stuff. It is freshly squeezed and kept in the cooler at the store. I could drink glasses of it, but I do want to make it last and it is high in calories, but it has all kinds of vitamins in it. I drink two glasses of it a day and that gives me a bunch of the vitamins I need. I also drink a lot of milk and as a result my nails grow very quickly and so does my hair. The porridge I eat is high in vitamin B and iron.

Specsavers called this evening and said that the lenses for my glasses were there, so I'm going in tomorrow afternoon to have them put into the frame. It shouldn't take long to do it and I'm seeing my friend Von at the same time. I haven't seen Von in a while and it will be good to hang out with her. No doubt we will sit by our usual café, but hopefully under the awning where there is heating, although it hasn't been that cold outside the last few days and there has been no rain. The leaves are dropping very quickly off the trees, though. It's going very rapidly right now, but some of the trees look spectacular still. Not all of them are equally pretty and only the imported maples are really awesome. Some trees just turn brown and that is it. Some turn yellow and that is much better.

I found the glasses that I had lost. They were in a box in my bedroom that had photos and photo frames in it. I don't know how they got in there and I found them quite by accident, but now that I have them again, I must say that I don't really like them and that I like my old glasses better and that I'm glad that I'm getting the proper lenses put into those. I've tried them out, of course, and I can't wear them behind the computer and do better with them off. It seems the worse my vision gets for far away, the better it gets for close by. I don't know why I thought these new glasses were better for me, because they are not at all attractive. At least, I don't think so. I think I look like a very stern school mistress who should have her hair in a bun and a pencil behind her ear. I look much kinder in my old glasses.

I have creative therapy in the morning and I will be looking at that last painting I made and try to figure out what's missing in it, because something is. It is too stilted as it is now. There's not enough life in it. It needs more abundance, more joie de vivre. I'll either fix it or ruin it. It's a 50/50 chance that I take. That's what skill is all about. Next I need to do a painting that brings me back to the basics. Just the original elements that I started out with, but very well combined. I'm futzing too much now with other little details and I don't want to do that. It distracts me from my main design. That's what I need to get back to.

Why is it that I get oodles of energy the later the night gets? I really enjoy myself late at night, that's when I feel best. I'm complete in my satisfaction and contentment. I will take my medications now and maybe that will slow me down. I need to get sleepy now and not excited about being up.

Alright, I think I have made this post long enough. I don't want the length to be overwhelming. I hope you all have a good night's sleep and I will "see" you all in the morning, fit as a fiddle.

Ciao,
Nora