Three dimensional...

I went to bed after watching the Norwegian thriller that was on last night, but I was unable to go to sleep. I laid in bed for a while staring at the ceiling, trying to get comfortable and in the right frame of mind to doze off, but I was unsuccessful. I felt every wrinkle and fold in the sheets. 

After an hour and a half I gave up and got up and put my bathrobe on and decided to stay up for a while and try to go to sleep again later. I think I have to be more tired than I am now. Apparently I'm not yawning enough and the sleep medication is not working. After I've had this coffee, I'll drink a glass of warm milk. 

I didn't realize that the thriller I was going to watch last night was Norwegian, it didn't say anything about it in the on line TV guide. I just noticed that the language was different than Swedish because I had a harder time understanding it. Somewhere along the line I found out it was taking place in Bergen on the west coast of Norway. 

It was a good thriller and it was still a recognizable language, but I really had to pay attention. I don't think I can learn more than one Scandinavian language at the time. I hope the next one is Swedish again like the one the night before was. Of course, a British one would be good too. There'd be no trouble understanding it. But thank goodness for subtitles. 

It's still in the middle of the night, but I count this as being Monday already. The weekend is over and I'm sorry about that. I could use another day off. I've got one more load of laundry to do, although I did one yesterday, though it's not dry yet. It's taking up space on the drying rack in the bathroom. 

I changed the bed, but that didn't help me fall asleep. I always look forward to going to sleep between clean sheets, but this time the trick didn't work. 

I think I have stress about tomorrow because I don't want it to be Monday. It's not my favorite day of the week. You could say that it's my least favorite day because I hardly have any privacy and the day seems so long. I do get a clean apartment, but that's the most that can be said about the day. 

I'm sure lots of people don't enjoy their Mondays. After all, it's the first day after the weekend and time to get back to work. It must be hard on everyone. I'd be curious to know how many grumpy people there are first thing Monday morning. Or are you all ready and roaring to go? 

I'm starting to yawn and that's a good sign. I'll be able to go to bed shortly. I just need to be tired enough to look forward to it. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

I'm not giving up yet.

After fooling around with the templates, I haven't gone to bed yet. I'm as wide awake as I was before. I don't know what's to become of me at this rate. I'm sure I'm in for some sort of trouble. It's normal that people get tired eventually and go to sleep, but I seem not to be bothered by that. I wish I got good and tired and that I  was so sleepy that I could hardly keep my eyes open, but that's not the way it is.I'm doomed to be alert and awake.

I have to pass the time and at this time of the morning I know of only one way to do it and that is to sit behind the computer and blog. It hardly seems to matter that I have hardly anything to say. It seems that any kind of nonsense will do. At least, it seems that way to me. You may feel differently about that. I'm sure you'd like to read something entertaining.

The cat walked in a little while ago with a bird in her mouth. I was able to rescue it and it seemed pretty much intact. I released it outside and I hope it makes its escape and isn't caught again. The cat stayed inside for a while and was somewhat stunned that I'd taken the bird away from her, but she went outside a while ago. I fear for the worst. I just hope that she doesn't bring it inside again.

The dog was very interested in the proceedings and followed me outside when I released the bird, but in the darkness he couldn't see where it landed. He did search for it, but I got him back inside. It's always something with those animals. They are not kind to their fellow creatures, at least not to those in the wild.

That was enough of an adventure for this morning. I don't want any more little creatures inside. The early birds were chirping so cheerfully too. Then that murderous cat had to come along.

I've been drinking milk for a long while now and have just taken my medicines. Maybe they will make me tired. Very often they do. They and the milk seem to settle me down anyway.

At least today is Saturday and a weekend day. All I have to do is fold the dry laundry and do the dishes. There's a big stack of them. You all know that it's my favorite chore. I'll have to go through the apartment and pick up dog hair too. It's floating around. The place really does need to be vacuumed twice a week.

I've started to yawn. I think this is a sign to go to bed and this time I'm serious. I will not fool around any longer.

Have a great weekend.

Ciao,
Nora

No sleep yet...

I tried to sleep, but found it impossible yet and just laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling. I spent an awful lot of time petting Tyke who had settled down on the bed beside me. He was a very happy dog. He chased Gandhi away every time she tried to get on the bed too. She finally managed to make herself small and lie down beside my pillows. Where there's a will, there's a way...

Now that I'm up, of course, I'm yawning something awful and I'm in danger of dislocating my jaw. I have to be very careful of how far I open my mouth. I will have to go back to bed sooner than I thought, but I want to postpone the moment until I'm falling off my chair from sleepiness or until my head hits the keyboard. Teardrops from yawning are running down my face. 

I can spend enough time sleeping because my personal helper isn't going to be here until 11 o'clock tomorrow morning. That gives me ample time to snooze, even if I have to do it in shifts, which doubtlessly I will. I have yet to sleep through the night in one fell swoop. I have asked my psychiatrist to come up with a solution and he promised to try and come up with one by our next appointment, which is next week. 

The Exfactor was here this morning to do the groceries and I have milk in the refrigerator again, much to my relief. I had been using that awful powdered creamer in my coffee and it was just plain bad and took the pleasure out of drinking coffee. I can also drink tall glasses of cold milk again. You don't know what a pleasure that is when you've had to do without for a day. Gandhi also appreciates her bowls of milk. 

I had asked the Exfactor to buy me some ready made salads and he bought me celery salad, crab salad and chicken salad. I can eat little portions of them. He also bought me some creamed soups. Wild mushroom and asparagus. Those ought to be nutritious and filling. Everything I eat has to be ready made or able to be heated up in the microwave. I don't have the proper pots and pans to heat up and cook things in. I also don't want to dirty the stove (the cooker).

It's time to go to bed now. I'm almost falling off my chair. Hopefully I will sleep well now, maybe until morning. We will see. 

It's been a pleasue.

Ciao,

Nora

 

No complaints...

I can't complain about the weather. It's cold and foggy right now, but at least it's not raining. Today it's only going to be partially cloudy and there will be sunshine and it's about time after all those gray skies. So, that's not something to be grumpy about. I would be grumpy if it were raining again because, although I like the rain, I don't like it non stop for a week. I crave some sunshine and so does the eczema on my head. It has been bothering me especially with the damp and cold weather.

I'm drinking coffee with artificial creamer because the milk is all gone. It only tastes somewhat bad. It would be worse if I had no creamer at all and had to drink it black, so I have to count my blessings. I can't wait to have milk in the refrigerator, but the Exfactor will be here today to do the grocery shopping and there will be lots of milk soon. I can then indulge in it to my heart's content. I have the Exfactor buy as much milk as he can carry and as his arm and leg muscles can handle on the bike without falling over. He is a very strong and wiry man, so he can carry a lot of milk.

I still have lemonade left so when I'm thirsty, I drink that, though it is not nearly as good as a glass of cold milk. Still, it quenches my thirst and has a decent enough taste and it's better than drinking coffee all the time, although I do enough of that too. I think I drink the coffee to offset the somewhat sedating effects of the medicines that I still take and I will be very happy when I've completely cut down on them and I know what is just me needing sleep and what was the effect of the medication. I very often need naps and I think I'm too young to start that kind of nonsense. I'm not an old lady yet.

I have to go see both my SPN and my psychiatrist today. I hope I make a good enough impression on my psychiatrist so that he will agree to cut down the anti-depressives some more. I've only got to reduce them two more times before I'm off them completely and today would be one of those times. I think I can convince him to give it a try. I'm doing well, so there's no reason not to.

I will go back to bed now for a few more hours of sleep. I will listen to the radio until I drift off. It's always very cozy in bed when I go back for the second time. It's when I get my best rest and my most interesting dreams.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

It takes a while...

It's taken me four cups of coffee to become somewhat cohesive, but even now I could go back to bed and immediately fall asleep again. I will do so shortly when I'm done being a stubborn woman. I can only sit here with my eyes falling shut for so long.

There's no evidence this morning of the cold I was developing yesterday.  I took an aspirin with codeine for the symptoms during the night and that seems to have taken care of it. I feel a lot better at any rate. 

Since I have no personal helper coming here anymore on Wednesdays early in the morning, I can do as I please and take it easy. I don't have to be dressed and ready in a short time. I'm relieved about this and glad that I can schedule my morning as I see fit. The rest of the day is mine to do with as I wish too. 

I just took my medicines and should be feeling fit as a fiddle in no time.What little I take does still does its job, of course. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow when we will assess how everything is going and make a decision about the next reduction. 

I thought I was feeling mentally low yesterday, but it was really due to the cold that I was developing. I was not feeling well physically. I notice the difference between today and yesterday now that I'm feeling physically better.

I'm having a glass of cold milk now. It's settling in my stomach very well. It's always the most soothing thing I can drink. I think that's why I'm so hooked on it and it is filling too. I love it first thing in the morning after I've had my coffee to wake up with. 

I'm going back to bed now and sleep for a few more hours. It will be a true pleasure. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

After midnight...

I've already slept a few hours, but I woke up because I had to go to the toilet in a hurry. That's the effect of a weak bladder. You can't hold up your pee, but I've been bad at that my whole life. I saw the backs of many trees and bushes when I was a kid and we were on long car journeys out in the countryside. I always had to go immediately and as fast as possible. I didn't have a moment's notice. That's one of the things that's mentioned in my instruction booklet. It's quite extensive.

This is actually post number 1,005. I thought maybe I had some drafts in there that artificially increased the number, but I checked and there were none, so this is really the number of posts that I've written for this blog. Post number 1,000 went by me unwittingly. I missed a chance to celebrate. Not that it's really all that important, because it's only a number after all and it doesn't signify all that much other then that I have staying power and that I'm capable of writing a lot of drivel.

Sometimes I reread my old posts and they are actually quite educational, because I see myself going through what life throws at me and come out at the end one way or the other, and I see that I do learn my lessons and come out quicker and better at each turn. It's my intention to keep improving until I get it right. I think that's going to take the rest of my lifetime. That should be another thirty years or so. I plan to get old. I should say, I plan to stay healthy and live long. That's another thing altogether.

I'm drinking a glass of cold lemonade now. It's my second one. The more I drink, the more I want, because I'm so thirsty. I'm almost out of milk, but the Exfactor will be over today to do the groceries. I crave a glass of milk, but I can't have one. It always settles my stomach so well. Lemonade has a tendency to give me a stomachache.

I will shortly go back to bed. It is sensible if I do. In the end, I am known to do the sensible thing. I can't get away with being irresponsible for too long. 

Sleep tight!

Ciao,

Nora

Just be unruly...

It's early in the morning and I'm having my third cup of coffee, soon to be followed by a tall glass of cold milk. I can only drink so much coffee before I'm completely satiated with it and don't want another drop of it. It does mean that I'm wide awake for now and that all the marbles in my head are in their proper place. There aren't any rolling around unguardedly creating bumps and dents. Everything is pretty solid up there and when I tilt my head, I hear no alarming noises, nor do I suffer from vertigo.

Having established that, I think I can safely write a blog post and try to make some sense of it without making it too complicated so early in the morning when the world hasn't even woken up yet. It is Sunday and things will stay quiet for a long time until the church bells ring for the first mass. I will be sound asleep again by that time, as it is usual for me to go back to bed and get the rest of my beauty sleep in, not that it's helping a heck of a lot. Whatever beauty I had has faded with age and is irretrievable. I don't mourn for it and age gracefully. There aren't any other options. 

I very obediently had a quiet night at home as is befitting of a middle aged woman, and I spent it watching harmless programs on television.  They're the sort of programs made for people who don't have anything better to do on a Saturday night, but who need to be entertained anyway, without being taxed too much. It's called amusement and what would I do without it? I pretend to be more interested than I really am, but it's really a good way to pass the time and sometimes I am mildly amused. Sometimes I even care. I'm glad I get to decide for myself what nonsense I get to watch and that there's no one here to critique my choice of programs, because it doesn't all have to be very challenging. I can imagine that if I lived with someone else, I wouldn't watch half the drivel that I do, and honestly, sometimes drivel is good.

I did watch the news twice. One time in the condensed form and one time in the more expanded form. I do try to be well informed. Between it and what I hear on the radio, I think I am. I like watching the news, as I'm very interested to know what's going on around the world and politically in my own country. Not that I feel that I have that much power over it, but I don't like to be caught unawares. I'd like to think that just knowing about it makes me a better person and in the end, because everything is connected, better able to vote when it comes down to it, because we are so internationally oriented. I do like to hear the backgrounds and that is why I like the political discussions on the radio. 

I'm drinking cold milk now and very good it tastes too after all that coffee. I think coffee does make you thirsty as it has the tendency to dehydrate you. It is great if you're retaining water.

I think I'm ready to get back into my warm bed. I haven't had the heater on the whole time I've been up. It has been warm enough in here still. For some reason it didn't cool off that much during the night, even though it's freezing outside. It's going to be another cold, sunny day. I will walk Tyke in my warm winter coat with my gloves on. That's for later, first I'm going to sleep some more. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

Been there, done that...

With all the courage I could master, I went to the store this morning. I got on my bike and rode it there like it was a daily occurrence. In my head I had prepared myself for all the possible things that could go wrong, down to the finest details. I really was prepared for anything at all. Nothing happened on the way over there and I parked my bike and got a shopping cart without any problems., but that's because I was so well prepared, you see.

Once I was inside the store, all my anxiety dropped away from me like it always does. I enjoy being in the store and would stay there forever if I could, just shopping and having a general good time. I enjoy picking out the things that I need and comparing prices and finding new items. I found some really neat lighters that look like mobile phones with antennas and, of course, I had to buy them. They're big and easy to keep track of. 

After I went through the check out, I was outside with my groceries and had to load them in my bicycle bags and they just fit. I was a little nervous about riding my bike home, but it was not nearly as bad as having ridden it over there. I had the job more than halfway done, the rest was easy. I had some anxiety on the way home, but I made it safely there and wheeled my bike inside the hallway. Tyke was full of curiosity and so was Gandhi.

At the sight of the cans of dog food, Gandhi started to meow very loudly. She figured out immediately what was in them. I gave her some of a can and Tyke the rest. Gandhi ate as if she had been starved for three days. Tyke was more nonchalant than that. He's a cool dog. 

I spent the rest of the day in a coma, even though my personal helper was here and so was the domestic help. I did briefly wake up for my personal helper, but slept while the domestic help did her work. I had no choice, I was wiped out. It felt like I had done a day's worth of heavy labor and it was all just emotional exhaustion. I'm awake now with the help of coffee, but I could just as easily be asleep again. I will wait for the proper time tonight, though. 

And so you see. the saga of the grocery shopping does have a happy ending for me after all. It was like giving birth to an elephant through my head, but in the end I did it. I hope I don't have to do it again for a long time and if I do, I hope that somebody comes with me. I do feel injured, as if I've been in a battle, and I would have liked to have had the company of someone. I didn't realize it was going to be that difficult.

I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee and I have to decide if I'm going to have another cup. I am still yawning and I think that's good. That means I can probably go to sleep when the time comes and hopefully stay asleep. I did buy extra milk today, so I can start drinking that. It will be a joy to. There's nothing better than a glass of cold milk, beside a good cup of coffee, that is.

I've got to walk the dog and take my medicines. There's always some schedule to stick to. Have a good evening. It's only cold here. No rain. 41F. 

Ciao,
Nora

Coffee and cigarettes...

I'm accidentally awake. I went to bed at 8 pm yesterday evening, because I was so tired of the lack of sleep from the night before, and woke up at what I thought was 4 am. Good, I thought, I have slept 8 hours. I got up and let Tyke out back and made coffee and then sat at the dining table and made cigarettes. 

When I was very leisurely sitting there, having my cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette, I noticed what the true time was. It was 1:40 am. Man, and I was wide awake. I had been up for 20 minutes already. I was too awake to go back to bed. I was wide awake as a matter of fact. I had been ready to start the day. My mind and body had been fooled into thinking it was morning and there had been no doubt about it at all. 

There were no last vestiges of sleep left in me and now I just have to wait to get tired again. It will hopefully happen sometime towards the morning and luckily I have no appointments today, so I can sleep late if I want to.

I have already emailed with my daughter and ordered a book she recommended by Frances Falk called 'On My Own' and it is about successfully being a single woman. It's available at Amazon. Being a single woman, and probably staying one for the rest of my life, I can use a book like that. I do want to be successful at it in any case. There are enough books on how to have successful relationships, but to have one with yourself as a single woman? I think a lot can be written about it and it will all be helpful. 

It would be unfair to say that we, as single women, try to desperately carve out a place for ourselves in today's society as if there is no room for us. We must create that room and assume it is there and take advantage of the opportunities. It is only our own lack of assertiveness that stops us. If we're brave enough, there is nothing that can stop us. 

We no longer live in Victorian times when single women were old maids who were superfluous and lived at the mercy of the goodwill of their families and society. Nor do we live in the 1950's when we were all supposed to wear aprons and run house and turn out 2.4 children and bake cookies and live happily ever after and were failures if we didn't. What happened to single women then? Did they hang out in nightclubs and pick up married men?

We're full fledged members of society now and there's no getting around us. We are a group of people to be taken into account and the corporate world and the political world will have to pay attention to us and make an appeal to us. We can make our opinions count and I hope that will happen in the best feminist way possible. 

Enough of the soapbox.

I'm sitting here drinking ice cold milk now, which is cooling down my whole body. That's the drawback of that, but it does taste good and it is mighty thirst quenching. I had 3 cups of coffee and thought that was about enough of that. I don't want to get that wired, since I do make my coffee awfully strong. When you grind your beans for a coffee drip system, you have to grind them very fine, otherwise the water will run through too quickly and the coffee will turn out too weak. Lesson number one. 

I do feel better than I did yesterday, when I was either flying higher than a kite or was floored due to plain exhaustion. In both situations I tried to make sense and I hope I succeeded. Neither state of mind is exactly optimal, but I don't think I go too far off the mark either way. Fools and drunks always state the truth, as do children. Count me amongst them.

My SPN noticed that I had lost weight and it is indeed true, I have lost a few kilos. No doubt that is due to all those sardines I eat for dinner. They are good for you and the little bit of oil they are packed in makes you regular. I also like to eat teaspoons of peanut butter, but it doesn't take much to fill me up. For a treat I eat chocolate paste once a week. Mmm... I should really eat Nutella and I'll put that on the shopping list next. It's better for you with all those hazelnuts in it. 

I have a food intolerance for grains and cheese and have cut them out of my diet. I do much better without them. I have for some time now and can't believe the difference. It's a lot of relief. They were such a part of my diet that it took me all this time to figure it out. They made me gain weight too. 

It's early morning now and I made it through another night. I will take my medicines now and get into some other kind of trouble, no doubt. I'm not tired and will not go to bed yet. Tyke's done a poop by the back door that I have to clean up and Gandhi has just barfed. Isn't it a wonderful life? Animals are such a pleasure. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

Nothing like it...

There's nothing like a cold glass of milk when you're quenching your thirst, except that you then want a second and third one and I do have to draw the line somewhere, don't I? I'll run out of milk before it's shopping day if I don't. And it does make your body cold all over if you have more than one ice cold glass, which makes you want to put on your bathrobe for warmth. I just did that, because I couldn't resist temptation. The spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak.

I was asleep already, but was awakened by my neighbors a few houses down who are having a cocktail party in their back garden. There's a cacophony of laughing and shouting voices, no doubt helped along by some alcohol. I'll have to close my window when I go to sleep next or they will have stopped their party by that time. Maybe all the people will be driven inside by the cold. It's only 11C outside, after all. They must all be out there with jackets on. Maybe these are all the guests that smoke cigarettes. If so, there are many of them.

The day went by fine. I walked Tyke three times and all three times he acted like a runaway elephant from the circus. He hopped, skipped and jumped all over the place, he was that happy to be outside. He was 18 months old yesterday and still acts and looks like a puppy. He is endearing when you see him and everybody wants to pet him, especially old ladies.

I read my novel, which I now realize is a "feel good" novel. I'll finish it nevertheless, because it is interesting enough and I'm far enough into it to stop reading it. I do want to know how it ends, but it's not the sort of novel I would normally read. It's a little bit too simple for that. I like one with more darker aspects to it. In this one someone is either a good guy or a bad guy, and the good guys are really good. Unconditionally so. It seems a movie has been made of this book, but I don't know how well it did in the theaters.

I watched a program about Alma Mahler, the wife of Gustav Mahler, who married two Jews in a time when it was not so popular to and she made her escape with her second husband to California and later to New York. When she went back after the war to reclaim her property in Austria, she was asked by the judge why she as a nice Christian woman had married two Jewish men, at which point she left Austria and never returned. She composed music of her own, but gave it all up when she married Mahler, who could not stand a wife who also composed. He thought she had to live in service of him. Her second husband was more broadminded and gave her all sorts of room to develop herself. His name was Franz Werzel who wrote the book The Song of Bernadette. It was a promise he made if they were to escape the Nazis.

This program was part of the cultural programming that's on television on Saturdays, which is very rewarding and deals with art and literature and architecture. I do get my fill on Saturdays and so appreciate that. Especially since I get to do so very few cultural things myself. I do hunger for these things and am very curious about them. I took two classes in art history in California and I'm fascinated by the subject, so anything like it is fine with me, but I also like modern art, although it doesn't always make sense to me and expressionism gives me a headache. And that's not even modern anymore. I like Karel Appel very much. His are very happy and lively paintings with lots of primary colors. They are like bursts of energy. If I could paint like that, I would be very happy.

For some reason, there are sports commentaries on talk radio on the weekends and I'm not too thrilled about that. I'd rather listen to something more interesting than a rehash on some football game that was played that afternoon. I suppose on the weekends sports are all that count, at least at the time that I go to bed and want to listen to the radio. I fall asleep anyway, because it's so darn boring, but I'd rather listen to a subject that I really care about and that is somewhat enriching to my intellect. Last night there was a piece on about a very good gymnast who had been caught using cocaine and I say, that's plain stupid, but why waste 30 minutes on it, as it happened some time ago. I'm sure we're not all going to run out and use cocaine now unless we're warned off by the example. Sometimes the public is thought to be simple.

Sundays are a day of rest, but I'm going to change my bed and do a load of laundry. I'm also washing the fleece blankets that I have on the sofa and armchair. The yellow and red one. I also have to remember to water the plants again. The spider plant is taking quite a beating from the animals. They both want to chew on it. For some reason it is a very fascinating plant to them with its spiky leaves. They chew all the babies off. I'll have to get another less attractive plant to put on the dining table and move this one to a less vulnerable spot, wherever that is. Somewhere safe from Gandhi, on the bookcase probably. She can't get in there and it will be safe from Tyke too. It will give the spider plant a proper chance to grow like it should and become abundant.

I had to stop using my light therapy lamp, as it was making me hypomanic, or had I already mentioned that? It seems that when you use it when you're not depressed, this happens. I went up and up and up and then came down with a crash and then returned to normal, but I haven't used the lamp since. I didn't realize that could happen and used it as a preventive measure, which turned out to be not a good idea. You only should use it when you're really depressed and not when you think you may become so down the line. I suppose I'm still getting enough hours of daylight for this not to be the case. It's not nice to fool mother nature. Another lesson learned.

I need to make an appointment to get my hair cut as it is now becoming unmanageable. It's too long to brush it into the proper shape and I look funny. I also ran out of hairspray and now I can't do a thing with it because it is fly away hair. If I sleep on it wrong it sticks out in a funky direction. I thought about letting it grow, but I don't like that awkward in between stage and I would rather have it cut short again. Besides, I need the pampering that a visit to the hair salon brings with it. I'm looking forward to it. I deserve it. I am woman hear me roar...

I've been wearing my multi colored floral dress, but I think I will change into my burgundy colored India cotton dress with pockets today. I have a nice silky scarf that goes with it. I can make myself happy in anticipation about which clothes I'm going to wear. It is a treat to myself, even if I don't share it with anybody else. I do it for my own satisfaction and to look good when I walk Tyke. I am a city woman, after all. I can't walk around in grungy clothes. I dress up always, even for unimportant things. Besides, I don't have grungy clothes. I don't have old clothes to wear for dirty jobs either. I just don't do dirty jobs.

It's in the very wee hours of the morning now, optimistically speaking. There's some time to go until dawn. I think the neighbors' party is over, it's quiet out there now and I did hear a bunch of people leave some time ago. Tyke's sound asleep in the armchair and Gandhi is asleep on the sofa. I've got to clean the kitchen up a little bit and I'll do that before I go to bed again. I'm not sleepy, but for the heck of it I'll go back to bed. A person does have to be sensible and I did just now yawn.

I hope you all have a nice day.

Ciao,
Nora

Music and comedy...

I haven't been to bed yet, although it is well past midnight. I've spent the whole evening watching music and comedy videos on YouTube and I have been very well amused. The time flew by and I laughed a lot at the comedians and was moved by the music. It does a person good to have the emotions moved to a greater degree than just the ordinary every day ones. It sure felt good and it was worth staying up for. I feel like I've had a night out.

Of course, now I'm so wide awake that I won't be able to go to sleep for a while. I have to sit here for a bit and calm down and get in a go-to-bed mode. I've only been drinking milk for the past couple of hours, I haven't had any coffee for a long time. I should get tired soon, although maybe it would help if I heated the milk up. But wait, I've just yawned for the first time, so there is hope. Maybe writing a blog post makes me sleepy.

I've used the Bright Light Energy Lamp for several hours today. Besides having it on this morning, I also had it on later in the day while I sat behind the computer. Maybe I got too much of it and that is why I'm so full of energy. I must make sure I get enough darkness now. I do have to get enough hours of sleep, but tomorrow is Sunday and that means sleeping as late as Tyke will let me. That energetic little guy does wake me up when he has to go outside. Well, he is house broken, so what can I expect, right?

I discovered a top in my closet that I had no knowledge of and I put it on right away. It has three quarter sleeves, so it is perfect for this weather. I don't know where I got it, but it fits. I seem to remember another top that I'm supposed to have in my possession and I have to go look on the top shelf and see if it's there. I only have some vague idea of what it looks like. I do know it's black, but I don't remember if it has long or short sleeves.

I did do the ironing, by the way. I found a summer jacket that had been in the ironing basket for ages and I had forgotten all about its existence. It's a short, beige, cotton jacket with metal snap buttons. I ironed it and didn't even try it on, I think it will fit. I hung it on the coat rack and will try it on in the morning. That's exceptionally incurious of me and I don't know how I got that way either. I remember buying it a long time ago, but I don't remember wearing it. I must not have been very fond of it. I also found two pairs of Capri pants that I didn't realize I had. It's kind of late in the year for them now, unless we get a hot spell.

I think I will dye the jacket black. As a matter of fact, I think I have the dye to do it somewhere in a kitchen cabinet. I'll have to look for it. I will like the jacket better black.

I'm so wide awake, I'm not going to worry about what time I'll go to sleep. It will just be whenever. I'm going to sit here as long as I'm comfortable. I will take my sleep medication, that may be a good idea. My body is going to crave it and it would not be good to suddenly withhold it. I do have to decrease one medication at the time and not try to do everything at once.

I'm going to put on my pajamas and my bathrobe and get at least ready for bed. Then I'll be halfway there.

Have a good night if you're about ready to go to bed, if not, have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

After midnight...

I went to sleep real early last night, it was still light outside, but I didn´t care. I was yawning and tired and ready to go to bed. I couldn´t think of a better place to be and all I could think about was how nice it would be to stretch out under the duvet and read my book. It had rained all evening, sometimes very fiercely, and I hoped it would keep on raining during the night. No such thing happened, though, and now it is only lightly cloudy, but it is still 20C outside and warm.

Needless to say. because I went to sleep so early, I woke up after midnight and was wide awake again. That´s when my sleeping pill stops working. I should say, my fall asleep pill, because that´s all it is. I won´t get real sleepy again now for a few hours and then go back to bed. You could say that I´ve had a long nap.

I googled my boots and found a picture of them, but they were the wrong color and didn´t look nearly as elegant as they are, so I´m not going to post it after all. Maybe I will take a photo of them when I get them tomorrow. I can take pictures of Tyke and Gandhi at the same time and post them too. You will finally get to see what Tyke looks like with his short haircut.

Every once in awhile a dark thought crosses my mind. It is like a dark cloud crossing in front of the sun. It only lasts for a minute and then it is gone again, but for that minute I am steeped in moroseness and I am reminded of what it is like to be depressed. I hope these dark thoughts are not harbingers of a depression and I´m trying to treat them lightly and not take them too seriously.

I do want to be alert to the signs, though, and not be taken unawares. They are increasing in occurrence and that´s what I want to prevent from happening. I may have them due to circumstances. I am the support system of my younger sister, who wants advice, but who will listen to none of it and keeps making the same mistakes over and over again, no matter how much input I give her. I´m now to the point where I want to withdraw my support and let her find her way on her own. This is a hard decision to make, though, but I´m disheartened enough to make it.

I never want my mental health to be dependent on that of other people´s. It can´t be so that I have to pay the price for the foolishness of other people´s actions. I´m sure that it´s not how it´s meant to be. I do think we should help each other, but when it stops being help and turns into an exercise in futility, you have to stop putting in the energy and the effort.

I don´t know if this is the cause of my dark thoughts. I may have them all on my own regardless of this. It may be that time of year when it is approaching autumn. The weather sure has been like it and the days are getting shorter, especially with the rainy days. I have to turn the lights on early in the apartment, gloomy as it is when the sun doesn´t shine.

Tyke has misplaced his tennis ball and I can´t find it anywhere. I have been on my hands and knees looking under all the furniture, but it has disappeared. I´ve been in every room. He keeps coming to me asking for it, but I have no idea where it is. It´s very frustrating and I hope he finds it himself, but he is as stumped as I am. He loves that ball and I should get some more.

I think it´s time to go back to bed. I´m ready now. I´ll get myself a glass of milk and be off.

Have a good morning when you get up.

Ciao,
Nora

To bed, to bed...

I'm supposed to be in bed already. As a matter of fact, I was there until a little while ago after I had already taken my sleep medication, but then I decided that I was still wide awake and I got up again. Apparently, it wasn't cozy enough in bed, although I can hear the sound of the rain and I have clean sheets.

I think I was just not really ready to go to sleep and the animals were distracting me too much with their shenanigans. They kept climbing on top of me making it impossible for me to read my book properly. Tyke was especially breathing down my neck. He does have a way of making his presence known.

All afternoon and evening we have been playing with the tennis ball. That means I have to try and get it away from him and toss it through the apartment without breaking anything and he chases it and comes back to me holding it tantalizingly close to my hands, but just without reach. I have to trick him into letting it go so I can toss it away again.

He never tires of this game and has finally figured out that he has to drop the ball if he wants to get my attention so I will pick it up and throw it. He barks at me to alert me to it. Sometimes the ball disappears underneath the sofa and I have to use the African walking stick to get it out from underneath.

It's been raining nonstop all day. It hasn't let up once. Sometimes it rains a little more and sometimes a little less, but it always rains. It's supposed to rain all night until tomorrow morning and then some. We may get a break later in the day. It's very cozy inside, but I have been unable to walk Tyke. He has been out back for little periods of time and I hope it's been enough to take the pressure off, but he's not begging to go outside. He's been watching the rain steadily fall from the heavens and he doesn't like to get wet.

Besides playing with Tyke, I've been watching sports on television. I've had my share of sports now as I've watched them all afternoon and evening. I even watched football and I watched games I didn't care about. I also watched the European Championships Swimming and that was mildly interesting as we did win some medals, but no gold. Just bronze and silver ones. There was also athletics on and that interested me more having been the mother of the Californian State Champion. I do like athletics having done it myself also when I was young and I'd like to come back as an athlete again in my next life. One without exercise induced asthma which I suffered from.

I also laid on the sofa and watched the rain fall down and felt lucky that I was inside. When it rains, though, I feel very sheltered inside and I don't feel at all depressed or anything. That's probably because I don't have to go out in it. That would change my attitude quite a bit, I'm sure. I would be awful to have to ride my bike in it and I don't have rain gear. My sister had to go to work and had to ride her bike through it and got soaked, but she was very cheerful about it. I would have been a grump most likely.

All the time that I'm typing this, I'm still playing with Tyke and the ball. He can't get enough of it, but I'm going to bed now. It's time to read my book and get comfortable under the duvet. I'm going to make myself a glass of warm milk to help me sleep.

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Reinvention...

I try to have something sensible to say every night that I sit here, but I think I fail every time that I do. More often than not I repeat myself and tell you what a delicious cup of coffee I am having. I've just had another one and that's the best I can do.

Coffee tastes great, but I'm convinced that it makes you very thirsty and causes you to want to drink many glasses of cold milk, which is what I'm going to do next, like I do every night. There's never any surprise.

I am a person of routines, there's no doubt about that, and I will not suddenly do something out of the ordinary like run around the block half naked in the middle of the night in a rain shower, although it is not raining right now. I'm limited in the crazy things I can do, partly due to the lack in my imagination and partly due to the shortage of means to carry them out. I can't suddenly drive to Paris and park my car under the Arc de Triomphe. I think I need a similarly minded person to do those things with and who has the means to do them.

When I say I am a person of routines, I think that is only partially true. I think I have enough adventurous blood in me to go out and look for interesting things to do. They are just not within my means to do so. I'm very limited on my budget and by transport and very rarely can do anything truly out of the ordinary. I would very much like to take on a big adventure, but I simply don't have the independent means.

Which takes me right back to this night here and my actual situation of sitting here behind my computer by my desk lamp with my glass of milk and my cigarette. I travel long distances in my mind and through the help of the books I read. In my imagination I go everywhere.I've read so many descriptions of so many places, and of course, I've seen a lot too. I have been places in my lifetime, so I'm not a stranger to the world.

I finished "Here on Earth" and started reading "The Drowning Season" also by Alice Hoffman. I'm just at the beginning, so I can't say much about it yet, but I think I'm going to like it, just as I liked the former book. It ended up not happy so much, but the main character ended up being safe in the end and that was the most important thing, and she was ever so much wiser, although she learned a hard lesson. Isn't that the way we all learn them, though?

I'm not happy with the design of my blog and I'm going to have to do something about it. The links are unreadable and I don't like the background of it. I may go back to the simple template and maybe choose a different background. I'll have to see. I can spend some time on it tonight.

Have a happy morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Doing what comes natural...

Because I was bored stiff yesterday evening, and there was nothing interesting on television, I took my book and a glass of milk and went to bed at 8:30. I read for a little while, but even though it was still light outside, I was sound asleep in the shortest amount of time. Needless to say, I woke up four hours later, wide awake and ready to get up again. It seems that four hours of sleep are all I can manage at one time. Doubtlessly that is because my sleeping pill stops working after that much time and that's what wakes me up form my artificially induced slumber. I'm probably not tired enough to sleep through the night, having taken naps during the day. There, that's a good analysis of that problem. Now I won't worry about that anymore.

Now I'm sitting here drinking a tall glass of milk after having had 2 cups of coffee. I'm about to have another one, because it tastes so good and makes my stomach feel full. There's no need to eat after drinking that much milk.

A few days ago I ordered a summer dress on line for half price. It arrived yesterday. It is very flattering and I ordered it in a size bigger than I usually wear because my size was not available. Because it's such a loose fitting dress, that's not so obvious and it fits nice and comfortably, which makes me think that it's may be better to wear loose fitting dresses in a bigger size. It hides all my bits and bumps and I can wear it with a pair of leggings. I like myself in it. I was buying tighter fitting dresses in a smaller size, but always very conscious of my body and I am not in this dress. To celebrate that bit of newly gained wisdom, I have ordered two more dresses and another pair of leggings and a pair of harem pants that I can also wear in the wintertime. I figured I deserved that much. It's a kind deed I've done for myself.

Since I think I don't do enough kind deeds for myself, I think I am entitled to one every now and then. I hardly ever spend any money on myself. I don't do anything for myself that costs money, except go to the hairdresser every six weeks or so to get my hair cut. I don't go out for meals, I don't go to the movies, I don't go to the museum, I don't take the bus. All I do is pinch pennies. I always think of what else I can do with every euro I spend. I guess I get real tired of denying myself things all of the time. That's why this time I said, "To hell with it," and ordered the things I wanted.

Now I'm going back to bed. I feel that I can sleep some more. There is the lure of the book and the lure of the soft pillows and the duvet.

Have a happy Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

With a cup of coffee...

I've done some more searching for Tyke's photographs, but I'm still not able to find them. I can't take a new one of him now, because it is dark and I don't want to use the flash because it gives him red eyes. I'll take some later today when there's enough daylight in the apartment. Besides, he is sound asleep on the sofa and I don't want to disturb his beauty sleep.

He's truly beautiful and I'm in love with him. I still can't take my eyes off him, although I'm used to how he looks now. Imagine being enamored with your own dog. It's such a pleasure that I truly enjoy. I've never had a boyfriend as nice.

I can cuddle Tyke all day long and not get enough of it. He doesn't wear me out like people do. He's like having a little kid. They're the best kind of people to have around, especially if they are your own. I guess Tyke is just like my child and he allows me to feel unadulterated feelings of love and he gives them in return too. People really do get attached to their pets.

I take pain medication every 6 hours or so. Sometimes I don't wait quite that long and I'm forced to take it sooner. It does help and takes away the worst of the pain and that is a great relief. It makes the difference between being comfortable enough or not. The worst of the pain is in the top half of my back where I have a mild form of scoliosis. It spreads to my shoulders and is very exhausting.

I try to remember to sit up as straight as possible when I sit behind the computer and to not slouch. I push my back against the back of the chair and sit with both buns firmly planted in the seat. Subconsciously, you take on a different position, probably to get more comfortable, although in the long run that doesn't work out. I have keep returning to the proper way to sit and realign my body. It really helps if I keep my hips straight under my spine and line everything up, including my shoulders and my head.

It's starting to be morning. I have been up a good deal of the night. The rain that was promised yesterday and last night never materialized. We did have lots of clouds move in, but nothing came of it. It's going to be cloudy again today, but no rain is forecast. It's supposed to be a cooler day today, but they said that yesterday too and it was warm enough and humid.

Despite my backache, I'm going to take Tyke for a walk in a while in the coolness of the early morning air. The day is best at dawn. His Majesty does need his outing and I can stand the fresh air too. It will be nice after sitting here all this time behind the computer screen, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. First I'm going to have a tall glass of milk to quench my thirst and do something healthy. When I come back I'll have a tall glass of multi vitamin juice. It's the simple things in life that you have to reward yourself with.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Enough sleep...

After I walked Tyke this morning, I decided to go back to bed immediately. I was still tired and I wasn't in the mood to do my chores, feeling unable to face them as sleepy as I was. I climbed into my bed and read for a little while and fell sound asleep. I didn't wake up until 1:30 pm.

I was surprised that I had slept for such a long time, but I felt great when I got up, though totally not in the mood to do anything. I turned on the computer and read blogs and comments and wiled away the time. I didn't in the least bit feel bad about not doing any of the chores I was supposed to do. I was the one who had told myself to do them and I would do them when I was good and ready.

I did take Tyke for another walk and he was happy for it. You can't neglect your dog, no matter how lazy you feel. I wonder if it is laziness I feel or just plain exhaustion, considering I slept so much yesterday too. It could be mental tiredness, because I do suffer from that quickly and what seems like an ordinary day to most people can be very tiring to me and I may be putting in more effort than seems apparent.

Likewise when I say I'm very normal and sane. When I say that, I'm probably less sane than I claim to be. It's when I'm less sure that I'm more sane. I think a lot of times I'm not normal at all and I don't know how many of you feel that you are. It's all very well to go around and claim that you are, but it's another thing to actually be it. I think on the crazy scale I'm more often closer to crazy than I am normal. It's exhausting to try and appear normal all the time and to constantly have to check if you are and pass the test.

I think I really ought not to give a darn and just be as I am and not worry about how I come across. That's very brave of me to say, but I wonder if I can do it? Can anybody do that? It would be a world full of eccentrics. I suppose social pressure forces us to adapt to a certain extent. I just wish it wasn't so much. I would feel a lot more freedom if I didn't have an internal judge guarding over me constantly who checked if I behaved socially acceptable. Do you have someone watching over you like that too?

I'm drinking my third glass of milk. I have an unquenchable thirst. I think I will make myself a cup of coffee next and make sure I save enough milk until the next shopping trip. I always have to count the containers of milk and the days left until the Exfactor goes shopping again. I usually make it, but not if I drink it like water from an oasis.

Sometimes, when Tyke is stretched out on the floor, it takes me a while to figure out what's the top of him and what's the bottom. I just had to take a good hard look to find out. I couldn't figure out where his head was, because his eyes were closed and there were all these ears and legs sticking out that looked alike. He is cute once you figure it out. He looks like a big stuffed animal that you want to cuddle with.

I'm teaching him to fetch now and he's slowly catching on. We're doing it with an old pair of rolled up socks, because he likes them a lot. We also found a tennis ball today on our walk and brought that home. He's been playing with that and hasn't demolished it yet. I'll use that to play fetch with next. It will bounce really well. Hopefully I won't break anything in the apartment.

There, I've completely wasted the day. I haven't done anything useful but write some posts and play with the dog and the living room and the kitchen are a reflection of that. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully I won't waste half of it with sleeping. I do want to get some things done. I really need to be over this wish to sleep now. My bed can't become that much of an attraction, nor can the sofa for that matter. They are both to be stayed away from.

I hope you all have a good evening. The weather was nice here today. It wasn't too warm and a pleasant breeze was blowing. It should always be like this.

Ciao,
Nora

Monday morning...

I slept nearly 8 hours, so I'm satisfied. I wasn't that tired when I went to bed, so I said to myself, "I'll give myself half an hour to fall asleep and if I'm not, I'll get up again," and, of course, I was asleep within 10 minutes. I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and repeated the same ritual and was asleep within minutes, maybe a few at most. One or two, maybe. Giving myself half an hour to fall asleep usually works very well, because I'm seldom awake longer than that. And it takes the pressure off, because I can just lie there and not worry about the time for a while.

Not too long ago, I would have gotten up in the middle of the night, but I have gotten over that bad habit and now go back to sleep like any ordinary person. I used to think that was impossible, but that was just a misunderstanding on my part and a fear of not being able to go back to sleep. That grew during my marriage and I hadn't gotten over it yet. So it's about time that I did. Doubtlessly it had to do with a heavily snoring husband or just another body in the bed taking up space. Now that I sleep on my own, a lot of that is much simpler.

I had a cup of coffee and am now drinking a glass of milk for my thirst, but I will have a cup of coffee again next. I need it to wake up properly, but I've already been out to take Tyke for his morning walk. There's a bright blue sky and sunshine, so it looks like it will be a good day. I didn't get to see a forecast, so I have no idea what the weather is supposed to be like, but I'll assume the best. The most I can do is look out the window and see if there are any clouds gathering.

I don't have much on my program today, except that the domestic help is coming and maybe the Exfactor will be by. I have to do the dishes before the domestic help gets here, otherwise she'll feel compelled to do them, which I don't mind, but it makes me look bad. The last thing I want to do is look like a lazy housewife. I try my best to have the place look good before she comes here. Isn't that funny? It's got to look clean enough so all she has to do is clean it properly. It does make sense. I'm not a messy person on my own. The dirt was old and I keep the place pretty clean. The Exfactor was like that character from Charlie Brown, the one who always had a cloud of dust and dirt hanging around him.

Oh, I'm yawning. It's time for that other cup of coffee.

Tyke is refusing to eat the food I gave him. It's something different than what he usually gets, because I'm almost out of that. This other food is really good, but he doesn't appreciate it at all. How do you deal with something like that? Do you take it away and keep offering it? Or do you get the original food? It's a mystery to me. I didn't know that he could be so stubborn.

The cats always get the exact same food and always eat it. They get the store brand fish menu. I never change it and they always like it. They are just dried kibbles, but it satisfies them and they have a great appetite for it. I suppose they aren't finicky cats. I guess I got lucky.

Speaking of food, I know I've lost weight, because I can tell by the way my jeans fit me, but I have no way of telling because of the lack of bathroom scale. I have to get another one as soon as possible, because I'm really curious. I have to hitch up my jeans with a belt and put it on the last hole there is. I'll have to find a smaller belt.

I have to get the show on the road now and decide what to wear. It will be fun to pick out clothes. I've got to put away the ones I've been wearing though, and in neat stacks.

Hope you have a great day!

Ciao,
Nora

Later in the evening...

I just woke up from a two and a half hour nap on the sofa. There's no doubt about it that I needed it very much, because I was wound up as tight as a spring and not at all in my normal relaxed frame of mind. Needless to say, this was due to my lack of sleep, although that really had not dawned on me so much, until I woke up again and noticed the difference. I had not realized how much the shortage of sleep had influenced my mood.

I'm going to sit here for a while before I go to bed and relax and write this post. I'm not quite ready to go back to sleep yet. First I need to let my brain do some work and have it engaged in some intellectual activity, although it will not fly too high. Imagine that, an intelligent post at this time of the evening. I don't think I have it in me. I'm lucky if I can type and put two or three words together, let alone whole sentences and have them make sense. Well, I'm doing my best anyway.

It seems like this day has lasted for ever and I suppose it has in a way, because those few hours of sleep this morning didn't amount to much. That was just a cat nap, really, just like this evening. If you look at it that way, I have been up for a long time. I don't want to repeat that performance. It's extremely exhausting and nerve wrecking.

I've had two glasses of berry juice and they were good, but now I'm burping. It's most unladylike and it''s a good thing that I'm here on my own, because I'm not fit for polite company. It's wonderful to drink cold juice, though, and I guzzle the contents of the glass down in a hurry. That's how thirsty I get. It's time to switch to cold milk now, otherwise the juice will be gone in no time and I do have plenty of milk.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my SPN, but it isn't until in the afternoon, so I can sleep late if I want to. I want to, I just want my body to co-operate. I'm yawning now and I just took my sleeping pill and my tranquilizers, so they should start to work pretty soon and then I'm off to bed.

Have a nice might all of you, or a nice day, whichever comes first.

Ciao,
Nora

Temporarily up...

I took a nap and it was nice and now I'm up for awhile, but I plan to be in bed before midnight. I'm just checking to see if my mood has improved any. I think it has and that I may be more cheerful, though I'm not dancing around the room, but I don't do that as a rule anyway, unless another very cheerful person is with me. Maybe a Tyrolean in short leather pants who's had a lot of Schnapps to drink.

When I woke up,Tyke washed my face and my neck and my ears and I said, "Thank you very much." Sometimes he gets that way and gives me a good cleaning. It feels very pleasant and ticklish, but it makes you smell like dog, so another wash is in order.

I just had a cup of coffee, but I'm switching to milk now, because I don't want to be up all night like I was last night. I do have to get some sleep tonight, because tomorrow is a busy day and I can't afford to sleep late in the morning. It's a shame that I have to function during the day, but so be it. The rest of mankind does too.

I think I need a different kind of life, one wherein I live a secluded life on an island that's sparsely populated and where time almost stands still and where there are few modern facilities. I would just have to have an endless supply of books and many bookcases, but I would have to be away from society as far as possible and be oblivious of the days of the year. Now, where would I find a place like that? I have to give this some serious thought. What do I do with the rest of my life?

Tyke's decided that this is a good time to chase Gandhi around. She's hopping from one piece of furniture to the next trying to get away from him. She's finally made it to the kitchen counter and Tyke is sitting here quite disappointed. Oh no, she's made an error. She's jumped off the counter and walked into the bedroom. Tyke followed her and any moment now I will here a racket. That silly cat. Or should I say, that darn dog?

It's time to go to bed and I haven't told you anything interesting yet. Tomorrow morning my personal helper comes for an introductory meeting. Then I have to go to my psychiatrist, and after that the domestic help comes. A little bit of a lot all at once. Those are the most interesting things I have to tell you.

Sleep tight.

Ciao,

Nora