Take me away again...

It's hard to figure out my what my schedule is today. That's because I was up most of the night and didn't go back to bed early this morning. I sat in my alternative armchair instead and read my novel while drinking numerous glasses of tea with sugar. That was very cozy but did cause a shortage of sleep that I had to make up for later in the morning after I had seen my SPN. 

I'm making headway through my novel and getting more interested in it as I do. I'm halfway through it now but consider myself lucky that I only have half of it left to read. You can tell that I'm not enjoying it as well as I should. I can't help it. It's a tough one to like. 'We Were The Mulvaneys' is not for the casual reader and that's exactly what I feel like now. I will have to choose something completely different for my next read. 

I took a nap later in the morning but was awakened from it prematurely by my neighbor who had found a piece of mail addressed to me in his mailbox. This always distresses him very much and instead of putting it in my mailbox, he feels compelled to ring my doorbell and hand it to me personally. He does this very grouchily as if it is all my fault and I planned it on purpose. It's not a nice way to wake up from a nap. 

I walked the dog in the hot sun and heard on the radio that it was going to be the hottest September in 100 years. I'm glad for everybody else that it's such nice weather but for me it doesn't have to be quite that warm. A little bit cooler weather would be alright too. I never feel that I'm appropriately dressed because somehow I can't get into my summer clothes anymore. It's the wrong time of year for them. I'm in the mood for wearing layers now and not skimpy tops.

I didn't do any chores to speak of because my schedule was so messed up and I hardly know what I did with my time. Most of it was lost to nothingness. Oh yes, I did go by the pharmacy for my supply of medicines and came home with a bag full. I shouldn't be proud of that and am not. It's just that I'm all set and won't have to worry about running out for a while. I do feel better when I'm well stocked. 

For the sake of getting some much needed sleep, I took another nap around dinnertime. I had to because I was unable to stay cheerful and alert. I was asleep in no time and slept for a few hours. I think I'm okay now and should be back to normal. I'm not going to do a repeat performance of a night like the one I had. It's not such a good idea to stay up and not get the hours of sleep that you need and watch the sun come up. I don't recommend it to anyone. 

I've got to eat still and I wonder what's on the menu. I would like to be surprised, but I think that won't happen. I can't fool myself and pretend I don't know what I'm fixing. 

Have a good night all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

The dog made me do it...

The dog woke me up when I wasn't nearly ready to and now I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee yawning my head off. I will come to my senses soon enough and it isn't half bad being up because I was going to be sooner or later anyway. The timing is just off a little bit. I had expected to sleep a little while longer. 

At least I'm not taking those god awful tranquilizers anymore that would have made me sit here in a stupor. I'm at least sound of mind and capable of thinking straight. Nor do I expect to hit a high when the caffeine has completely entered my system. I'm safe on all fronts and that makes me feel ever so much better. It's nice to sit here with my head screwed on straight. 

The dog, of course, doesn't want anything from me now. He apparently just wanted my company and no doubt was bored all on his own in the dark. That's the way it usually goes. I get up and he lies down somewhere and goes to sleep. 

The cat was sleeping on my pillow and had left just enough room for me to put my head down. At least she was that considerate. She takes up two thirds and I get the rest. She was kind enough not to pass gas. I do have to give her that.

Early yesterday morning, before I went back to bed, I sat in my armchair and read my novel while I drank glasses of ice cold milk. I read for about two hours until I got a backache from sitting in the chair. Apparently, it's not the best chair to sit in. I may have to move my place of operation to the other side of the room where there's a more comfortable chair. 

Once I was back in bed, I slept for another three hours, but I was bright eyed and bushy tailed when I got up. Well, that's exaggerating it a little bit, but I wasn't feeling any pain. A few cups of coffee were all it took before I could get the show on the road, but I think I could have done it after just one. I like to postpone the moment I get into action. I like to sit and ponder my navel for a while. 

I had to choose what to wear and what was appropriate for the warm weather, but I decided to boycott it and wear what I felt like wearing and what was in keeping with the temperature it was inside, which was a lot cooler. I didn't feel like wearing skimpy clothes. To me it was autumn and I wanted to wear the kind of clothes that were more in keeping with that season. Call me stubborn if you wish. 

I like the slant of the sunlight and the color of it. You could say that this season agrees with me very well and it's not because of the weather. It's the general atmosphere of it and the color of the leaves on the trees. Somehow it all feels very familiar and comfortable to me and I feel at home. Even frost in the morning wouldn't change my mind, although any snow or ice would, but I'm not expecting them. I'll have to perform a ritual to keep them away. 

I feel like I had a busy day yesterday, but I didn't do anything special except for some chores and walking the dog. The day passed by quickly. It felt like a full day when in reality it wasn't at all. I'm not complaining about it. That kind of a day is very pleasant. It means that I was very comfortable with myself and didn't get in my own way. I was my own best company. 

Today I have my last appointment with my SPN. I've bought a present for her future baby. It is strange that I will not see her again after today, but next week I already have an appointment with my new therapist and so you see, life continues. It just takes on a different form. The substance will be the same. 

I hope you will all have a wonderful day or that you are still having one.

Ciao,

Nora

Up again...

I went to bed early, being spaced out from my medicines, and am now up again already feeling pretty good. I seem to have momentarily achieved that equilibrium I was looking for. Mine is not to question how I did that, but just to accept it as a given and to enjoy the moment. I think it is all a matter of chance anyway and you have to grab the benefits while you can. 

Needless to say, I'm having my cups of coffee and they are helping me feel better. They are clearing my mind of whatever nasty thoughts might have been lingering there in the recesses of my much complicated brain. The brain that is refusing to co-operate lately in behaving normally. The chemically mixed up brain. 

I don't care, right now it's behaving normally and that's what counts and if I don't upset it too much, it should stay static for the rest of the time that I am up. It means that I'm not going to make any earth shattering announcements or break out in a song and dance routine. Nor climb on any soap box. I will just keep it simple. 

I've had to figure out when in the day to take my numerous pills, but I think I've got it down to a system now. I have to spread them out evenly so as not to get too many of some of them all at once because they have a tendency to make me feel stoned. This is a very unpleasant feeling that I would not recommend to anyone. They not only make you feel stoned, but sad too and that's no good. It necessitates you having to go to bed to sleep it off and you wake up with a bit of a hangover. 

The Exfactor took the dog for a long walk this afternoon, which meant that I could stay in my bathrobe all day. It meant that I could take this day as a recuperation day and I didn't do much with it except to try and keep my head on straight. I slept and spent time in my armchair and watched the news on television. 

It was filled with the senseless riots in England, of course, that are no longer social statements, but plain criminal acts. I don't care what anyone says about social injustice. This is not a way to react to that. It certainly wasn't a Facebook revolution.

Oops, I was not going to get on a soapbox. I'm sure I'm not in the right frame of mind for that. I would not be able to carry on a discussion about the subject. It would get too complicated as it has too many angles. I'm sure I'm not solitarily going to solve the problem. 

I'm feeling so reasonable now, that it would be nice to say that this is the end of my depression, but I know it's just a momentary relief.  Tomorrow morning I will face the same issues and the same mood and it will be a battle all over again. That's how it goes with depression. You do once in a while have good moments when you feel well. It lulls you into a false sense of security.

Right now I feel peaceful and serene and I don't know where that feeling is coming from. It must be a perfect combination of circumstances and ingredients. I wish I could always get it right this way but I know it's just a temporary condition. It's not acceptance of my depression. Not at all. I'm very much in rejection of it and fight it tooth and nail. I'm always in search of serenity, as contradictory in terms though that may sound.

I suppose I will go back to bed now and try to sleep some more. I have another appointment with my SPN in the morning. I must get up in time for that. I can't sleep late. 

Have a good night all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

It's a tough job...

Even though daytime blogging is hard for me to do, I'm going to give it a try. I was planning on taking a nap, but the phone rang and that got me right out of my bed again. I'm not going back to it and I'm saving my sleep for tonight instead. I made a deal with my psychiatrist and my SPN that I was seriously going to change my sleeping habits and not get up in the middle of the night anymore to stay up for a couple of hours and blog. 

My psychiatrist is also prescribing another sleeping pill that will help me sleep through the night instead of what I have now that only helps me fall asleep. I have no problems falling asleep. As a matter of fact, I'm asleep ten minutes after I lie down in bed. It's staying asleep that's the problem. Hopefully these pills will help me. Unfortunately, the pharmacy didn't have them in supply and has to order them, so I won't have them until tomorrow. That's a bit of a disappointment, but I will have to be patient for another night. 

I get up in the middle of the night because I think it's exciting to blog then. I usually have a very good mood and a bit of a high. I think that the posts that I write then are much more exciting than the posts that I write during the day. This could all be an illusion and I came to realize that this past night. I was artificially pepping myself up with coffee and creating a hypo-manic state for myself to exist in. I thought I was writing down very significant things, but they really amounted to nothing at all. 

I want to stop doing this foolishness in the middle of the night and just sleep through it like ordinary people do. I want to go to bed at night knowing that I will wake up feeling refreshed in the morning because I've had enough sleep. 

I discussed feeling depressed with my psychiatrist and how you can choose to ignore those thoughts and feelings once you realize that you have them because you're depressed. You don't have to give any credence to them and they don't have to overwhelm you. You can choose not to sit in them, but put them in a pile beside you and leave them there for you to look at now and then when you feel up to it. 

You would not have most of those thoughts and feelings if you felt well. If you were in a healthy state of mind. Most of them you have because you see your life through very negatively colored glasses. That is, if you've worked through enough of the baggage that you carry around with you because of everything that's happened to you in your life. If you walk around with old unresolved grief, you'll have to take care of it. 

In spite of my good intentions, I am tired and I'll have to go to bed early tonight. I'll walk Tyke one more time and eat dinner and get my pajamas on. I'll vegetate in front of the television for a while and watch nothing important whatsoever. You do have to have times like that too. I'm sure there will be something like that on. There usually is. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

In the time it takes snow to fall...

After today, the days will start getting longer again, although the warming up effect will not be felt for a long time yet. It will be March before we feel anything like warm sunshine again and go about without wearing layers of clothes. I can't even imagine that now. What it will be like to go outside without a jacket on and a scarf. It will be the most amazing and appreciated thing. I look forward to it already, but that doesn't mean that I'm miserable now.

I refuse to suffer from the weather the way it is now and I'm bound and determined to make the best of it. Of course, not many demands are made of me and I don't have to travel far away from home. I can go anywhere I have to on foot or stay home if I choose to do so. I don't have to get in a car and drive half an hour to get to my job. Woe are those who have to. It's a tough assignment, but it can be done with a lot of patience. It just may take a while longer. 

More snow has fallen during the night and there really is a winter wonder landscape now. It's possible to look at it in awe if you forget the negative aspects. You just mustn't try to get anywhere far away in a hurry. If you just walk through it slowly, it's very pretty, but you must be dressed for it. Kids in the neighborhood have built snowmen and forts and done very good jobs at them. I remember making them when I was a kid and we had winters like this. They weren't unusual back then. 

I wish I could tell you that I had slept for a good  long time, but I didn't. Just as I was about to go to bed last night, my sister called me to tell me that she had gotten home safely from Milan and that was a relief, because we hadn't been sure if it would have been possible. For some reason, her plane, bus, train and taxi all were on time and had no delays or problems with the weather whatsoever, while there had been delays and cancellations all over the place. She must have had a guardian angel.

I woke up early, because Tyke and I both had urgent toilet needs, and I stayed up. I was ready to be awake and enjoy the silent hours of the morning. I do have to forsake some sleep for that, but hopefully I can take a nap later today. 

The Exfactor is supposed to be here today to do the groceries, but there's some question as to if he's going to make it. It depends on the weather. Even he isn't indestructible. I'm going to see my SPN this afternoon and I will walk there, because I'm not sure if it's safe to ride my bike. I don't know how clean the streets are. Mine isn't at any rate. 

Oh, I had been waiting with dread for the end of year energy bill and was afraid that I would have to pay a phenomenal amount of money extra, because last winter had been cold and dark and I was afraid that I'd used more energy than I had paid for. My neighbors had gotten a huge end of year bill and I was prepared for the worst. 

It came in the mail yesterday. I said a silent prayer and opened the envelope and looked at both the gas bill and the electric bill. In both cases not only did I not have to pay anything extra, I was even getting a couple of euros back. I thanked God with a huge sigh of relief. That was a load off my shoulders. Whatever I'm doing, I'm doing right, because I don't pay a very large monthly amount. I must have a guardian angel too. 

This goes to prove the theory that's developing that a lot of things go right. That there are all these little happy endings all over the place. All I have to do is be on the look out for them and I can consider myself lucky. I can think of many instances when a piece of good luck came my way just when I needed it. When the timing was just right and I was saved by the bell. 

Now I've got to take my medicines and start the day. It's nice and warm in here, so I can get dressed now. I hate to take off my bathrobe if it's still chilly. 

Have a nice day, even if you're snowed in. 

Ciao,

Nora

Just how cold is it?

When I walked Tyke for the last time yesterday evening, I almost slipped and fell when I crossed the street, because it was as slippery as an ice skating rink. The whole street is like that and so are all the streets in the neighborhood. None of them have been treated for the snow and subsequently have turned to ice. 

I'm now afraid to walk on them, because my boots have no profile and I can fall very easily. I don't want to wear last years hiking boots, because they are too small and caused me so much trouble with my little toe that took forever to heal. The sidewalks are only a little bit better and it's best when I walk Tyke to walk on the grass as much as possible, because there I don't slip. 

I was supposed to see my SPN and my psychiatrist this morning, but I don't want to ride my bike, because I'm sure I'll have an accident, as there are no such thing as snow tires for bicycles, and I don't want to walk all the way over there on the slippery sidewalks and streets in this cold. The wind chill factor makes it minus 17 degrees Celsius. 

Maybe somebody braver than me would do it, but I'm awfully afraid of breaking a bone and being helpless.  I imagine myself lying in the middle of the street with  a broken leg and having to go to the hospital while the animals are home all alone. Gandhi was already very distraught when Tyke and I were gone at the neighbors yesterday morning and needed a lot of attention from both of us to get back to normal. She's not used to being on her own for such a long time. 

Anyway, I simply can't afford to fall and break a bone, so I'm going to cancel my appointment and not go anywhere until the ice and snow have melted, other than take Tyke for walks, which is dangerous enough. Things should melt by the end of this weekend when temperatures will rise and we will have rain. Rain will be  most welcome.

In the meantime I'm sitting here working on my third cup of coffee, which I probably won't be able to finish. It tasted good while it lasted and the coffee woke me up well enough. I got me functioning anyway. It is always such a bother to make that pot of coffee in the morning with my sleepy head, but it sure is nice when it's done and I've got my first cup.

Tyke is eating his new dog food when he realized there was not anything else I was going to give him and he already chased Gandhi away from it with an angry growl. Gandhi retreated to the coffee table with hurt feelings. Tyke's right in defending his food, though. She does have her own bowl of kibbles on the kitchen counter. She just assumes that everything that belongs to Tyke, belongs to her too. That's how attached she is to him. She thinks they are a unit. They probably can't live without each other. Judging by how she greeted him yesterday, that's probably true. 

I've got to get dressed and go out and brave the elements to walk Tyke. I do worry about that slippery street. Just now I saw a young girl on her bike slip and make a smack. I felt so sorry for her. She got up okay and went on her way. Cars go by very slowly. I am exactly at the intersection of three streets, so I'm waiting for the sounds of a crash. I hope not.

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

Spare time not spent sleeping...

I'm having myself a cup of coffee to get rid of this sleepiness I feel and have been feeling pretty much all day long. I've succumbed to it and slept a lot, but I'm yawning again and don't want to dislocate my jaw like I did this morning. It's making a lot of noise when I open and close it, so I better be careful. 

I'm looking forward to going to bed, though, and I can't wait for it to be late enough to go. I do want to wait until a decent enough hour. I want to make sure that I don't wake up too early in the middle of the night as I'm bound to. I don't have any appointments tomorrow and I can actually sleep as late as I want. So if I do get up in the middle of the night, I can go back to bed later and finish sleeping. 

The Exfactor was here today to do the rest of the grocery shopping. It was quite a relief to see a friendly face. Someone who didn't make any demands on me. That was nice. I didn't experience the visit of the personal helper that way yesterday. I felt that I had to perform and do something special while I was not up to it. I couldn't adequately explain how I felt to her. 

I don't know if I explained it well to the Exfactor, but it seemed to matter less. We had coffee together and chatted and he did the groceries and afterward we chatted some more. We didn't talk about anything really important. It didn't seem that way to me anyway. My perception may have been off a bit, though, because I still felt a lot of anxiety. It hadn't left my system yet. 

I saw my SPN in the afternoon, and without going into the details of the long conversation that we had, I have to say that she helped me get to the core of the anxiety and the cause of it, and that since then I feel a lot better. The free floating anxiety is gone and I'm only left feeling very tired and wiped out, but with the feeling that I've really reached a destination that I had to get to. Something has been resolved. It will have to be talked about more, but the beginning is there. 

The tiredness that I feel is purely emotional tiredness. It's from carrying heavy loads around. It wears me out. Whenever I have periods when I'm in need of a lot of sleep, you can be sure that it's because I'm bearing a big emotional burden.

I do want to say that I have a lot of grief about my first marriage and the break up of it. I have a lot of unresolved feelings about that whole marriage and about my relationship with my first husband, There is an untold amount of feelings that I have not dealt with ever. I'm going to have to deal with them and I'm planning on doing that. There is an awful lot of pain there and I can't keep walking around with it. It's like constantly being in deep mourning. 

I'm going to put on my pajamas now and at least get ready for bed. It's another matter if I will actually get there right away. I may get sidetracked by some blogs. The intention will be there anyway. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

So early in the morning...

If you want to read about the computer modem and about dreams and early morning happiness, you can do that here, and I highly recommend it to get you into the proper mood. It does require some of your time, but I'm sure you have some extra of that lying around on a lazy Tuesday morning in November while  it is cold outside. 

I'm cold myself inside in the early morning hours and have just turned the  thermostat up to a more comfortable temperature. It will be toasty warm here in a little while, It doesn't take much to heat up the apartment and I will be able to turn off the heater in a while again and it will stay warm enough in here. That's the comfort of living in a small place that's not too drafty. 

I've been up long enough now to have a sore bum from sitting in my desk chair, but then I get one easily for having broken my tail bone once. It does get uncomfortable if I sit in one position for a while. I have to shift my rear end a lot. I should sit on many soft downy pillows, but I don't have those and the ones from my bed don't work. They are not soft enough and only make the problem worse. They are okay for a head, but not for a bum. 

The coffee tastes especially nice this morning, but then I made a strong pot of it. I measured generously and gave the coffee a real kick, just the way I like it. I do so dislike a weak cup of coffee, like you get in roadside diners along American highways. Truckers are supposed to be happy with that. I bet if they had their say it would be a little bit stronger to make the long haul more bearable. 

I've never had a worse cup of coffee than in those diners, even though they pour it generously. The exception being that French roadside restaurant that had atrocious coffee that didn't deserve the name and did the French reputation shame. They are supposed to have the best cup of coffee on the continent, although I tend to disagree and think that we do. Some chauvinism is involved.

I've had my medicines and am waiting for them to work and assume I will be nice and mellow then, although I am not unhappy now. I've decided to take two tranquilizers during the day, those make me just relaxed enough. One was pushing my luck just a little bit and I was on edge unnecessarily. They are a very low dose and I'm not worried about them. I barely notice them working, but they do make a difference. 

I have to go see my SPN this afternoon and I will find out when the reassessment of my treatment will be. It should be this week and I will be present during it, so I hope it doesn't conflict with any of my other appointments. There should be a bit more careful planning as it can't be assumed that I'm always available, but that doesn't seem to have dawned on anybody. I will make that a point today. Some things are left very unclear.

There's some question as to whether I'm going to bed again now to sleep some more or drink more coffee to stay fully awake. There's a great temptation to stay up and get dressed and take Tyke for a walk in the cold November air. It's foggy outside again, but not especially very cold and there's no wind, of course. I'm slightly loopy, though, and may not be able to make a long walk. 

It's possible that the cold air will wake me right up and I will be full of vigor again once I'm out. I do wish I had a country lane to saunter down and Tyke to let off the leash. It would be such a much more pleasant walk. We'll have to do with the sidewalks of the suburbs and the semi pleasant trees and shrubbery of that landscape. And the layers upon layers of fallen leaves that have not been swept yet and that's going to be an impossible task.

For now Tyke is sound sleep on the sofa and there is not a peep out of him, so I have some time. He has been out back early this morning to do his biggest business, so there's no rush. I do appreciate when he does that. It takes the pressure off to get going immediately. I can be a little more leisurely.

I'm going to get another cup of coffee and bid you goodbye. I will get dressed and see how far I get. Maybe I will get stuck halfway though and will have to join Tyke on the sofa for a quick nap. 

Have a fantastic Tuesday.

Ciao,
Nora

 

After my birthday...

The most fun about my birthday was going downtown with my sister. It rained nearly up to the time we were supposed to leave, but when it was time to go, it stopped raining and it didn't rain again for the rest of the day. We rode our bikes downtown and parked them and went to the department store where I had seen pretty cardigans advertised on television of which I wanted to get one. We were very disappointed, though, because there were only a few left and they were all in the wrong color and the wrong size, so that turned out to be a popcorn fart. Imagine the store advertising them and then being almost out of them. That's no way to keep your customers happy.

We went to another store of which I knew that they usually have something good in my size and walking around there, my sister spotted a very pretty cardigan in a lovely color in my size. I tried it on, but knew ahead of time that I was going to like it, so trying it on was merely a formality. It fit beautifully and was very flattering and matched the clothes I was wearing very well, so that's the cardigan my sister bought me. I was quite contend with that.

We went to a café on the big square and sat outside under the wide awning that had a heater built in and ordered coffee and pie. My pie had whipped cream and white chocolate and it was so good, it was like an angel walking over my tongue. It was an enormous slice and I ate it as slowly as I could, but it was too much for me to finish and I nearly passed out eating it. We had a good time, though, and chatted and watched the people walk by. There were still plenty of tourists, even though the schools and universities have started up again. People watching is such a sport, but so is chatting about everything under the sun while having a cup of coffee.

We walked through the main shopping street and said goodbye at the tourist office where my sister works and I rode my bike home, hoping I wouldn't get rained on and I didn't, because the gods were smiling on me. No doubt because it was my birthday.

The Exfactor came over and did the groceries for me and bought pastries for by the coffee and gave me my presents, one of which was a set of tennis balls with which he made Tyke very happy, because we had misplaced the one and only tennis ball he had. The Exfactor had bought me wheat bread with poppy seeds of which I had a peanut butter sandwich at night. I was so full of the pie that I couldn't eat all day. He had a pastry and I watched him eat it, with no desire to have one myself.

After the Exfactor left, my friend Lucienne came over. I had not seen her in a long time, though we talk on the phone a lot. At least once a week, if not twice. We had a good old visit and I was sorry to see her go. I may not see her again for a long time, though she is in the neighborhood quite often. She finds it hard to do things spontaneously and has to carefully plan everything. She misses out on life a lot.

I had decorated the living room with streamers and balloons that I had found when I cleaned up one of the dresser drawers. Tyke was very much interested in the balloons and I gave him one to play with. Needless to say, it burst. He was shaken by that, but when I took everything down, I gave him more balloons to play with and he did it as carefully as he could. Eventually one would burst, but he was prepared and took some pleasure in it. He thought he had killed it and went on to the next balloon. He approached them and hit them and backed off, over and over again, until they burst. It's a good way to keep your dog amused, after the initial shock.

This morning I had to go see my SPN and I was sitting there yawning and made her yawn too. I had gotten enough sleep, but I was so ready to take a nap. I wanted to curl up on the floor right there and go to sleep. We talked about me quitting smoking and how hard that was going to be, but how determined I was and how very sure I am that I am going to succeed. She'll believe that when she sees it. She has a two week vacation coming up and when I see her next I will be an ex-smoker if all goes well. On the way home, I stopped by the pharmacy and ordered a two week supply of nicotine patches. I'm starting with the highest dose and will then taper off. I will do it over a period of six weeks, I think.

I took a nap on the sofa when I got home and slept for an hour and a half and was awakened by the Exfactor who came to help me move the sofa to the hallway from where it will be picked up on Friday by the people who will take it to the dump. It is an old, worn out, ugly sofa and it is time for it to go. I have bought a new sofa and it will be delivered first thing tomorrow morning. I plan on paying it off with the money I save from not buying tobacco anymore. The new sofa is very modern and black, because Tyke is black, and it will match the rest of the interior. So needless to say, I'm very excited about that. Now all I have to do is get the living room and hallway painted and buy new curtains. I've seen those in the Ikea catalog.

Have a good rest of the day!

Ciao,
Nora

Brewing coffee...

I'm learning to brew coffee in my new coffeemaker. How much ground coffee to use for 4 cups or for 6 cups, which translates into 2 or 3 mugs of coffee. I like my coffee strong, so I put heaping spoons full into the filter. It's awful if I don't put enough ground coffee into it, because I end up with a weak brew that I drink nevertheless, because I don't want to waste it, although I would if it were really undrinkable, or so I tell myself. I'm on a learning curve and almost have it right now. I've got good ground coffee, so that's not the problem. It's just measuring the coffee right that's the trick. I do want to be known for my good cups of coffee. I have my reputation to think of.

I slept 10 hours last night after having written my last post. It helped to go to bed late and then sleep in one fell swoop, so I'm going to do that again tonight. I won't worry about what time I go to bed and I'll wait until I'm really good and tired. There will be no more going to bed early before the sun goes down. Going to bed with the chickens. Besides, the sun goes down earlier every evening and pretty soon I would be going to bed at dinnertime. Bed has been so tempting, but I think it has been a way to end the day prematurely and not really a place to go because I was so very sleepy and tired. I can do like I did this evening and take a short nap on the sofa.

I went to see my SPN today under my umbrella. It was raining half an hour before I had to see her, so I walked over there, not willing to go on my bike and get soaking wet. It only takes me 20 minutes to walk over there if I don't dawdle. It was good to see her and we had a nice talk. I told her that I had discovered that as the norm goes, I'm actually quite normal. She was happy to hear that. I think she is glad that I made that discovery, because she wants me to think of myself as normal as possible. I think she likes the fact that I've found out that the population at large is not nearly as sane as I thought it was and that everybody has their issues. I don't need to feel so odd. It's not necessary.

She also felt it was time for the Bright Light Energy Lamp, so I'm going to put it in place tomorrow. I have a spot on my desk where it will fit and I can sit in front of it for at least half an hour every day. I do have to do this in the mornings as much as possible, because it is energizing.

I finished Deja Dead by Kathy Reichs last night and I will begin reading A Place of Hiding by Elizabeth George tonight. As far as I can tell, it is not an Inspector Linley mystery, but a Simon St. James one. I have never had one like it, so it will be a new experience. It will be a thriller and that is the main thing. I do like her thrillers and she does have a fascinating way of telling a story. She is good with details. Deja Dead was gruesome and fascinating as well, but you do have to have nerves of steel. Kathy Reichs does know how to tell a scary story and she goes into great detail about the dead bodies. You have to guard yourself against that. Her books are very suspenseful, though.

I've mooched a couple of books and I have more coming. I have sent books and have one more to send. I'm glad my older sister gave me money that I could use to send those books with. I have a wish list with enough books to choose from for now. As a matter of fact, I've just been terribly distracted and browsed for more books and added those to my list. I had quite forgotten about Doris Lessing and how much I liked her. I have some of her books and read more in the past, but there are many more I want to own. I've also gone to bol.com and added books to my wish list there. It's ever growing and there will never be an end to it.

It's been raining off and on all evening and it's supposed to tomorrow as well. I find it quite cozy. If I had a good coat, I would go out in it. Not that I'm a glutton for punishment. It doesn't come pouring down. They're just gentle showers.

I think I will go change my bed and lie down in it. I'm ready to read that book and I'm ready to go to sleep, I think. I hope I don't wake up in the middle of the night. I must stay in bed and read and try to go back to sleep if I do. I think that's the best solution. I think getting up and drinking coffee is not at all a good idea. Why did I ever think it was? How silly of me.

Tyke's done climbing on the table and has settled down by my feet. He has the right idea. He knows it's bedtime. I think Gandhi has gone out no matter what the weather is like. She does have to prowl the neighborhood. I'm sure she has her dry spots to hang out in.

Sleep tight, have a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

Thoughts on the subject.

Yesterday, when I told my SPN about my reluctance to go to the creative classes at the clinic, she showed some concern. She thought I was being overly confident now and that I thought I could do without the built in support of the system there and enroll in a regular course, but that I had not considered what would happen if my mood changed in the fall when things would become more difficult and I would be harder to motivate and need more encouragement.

It was obvious to her that I would not find this support and encouragement in a regular course where I would be required to attend every session no matter how I was doing at any particular time and that there would be no excuses for not showing up. I would have to attend the classes regularly just like any other person and not have an excuse such as depression dismiss me from my responsibilities. There would be no pep talks over the telephone from concerned individuals who would want to know how I was and who would try to talk me into trying to show up again.

In the creative classes at the clinic, there is at least an awful lot of leeway because they are used to people with "conditions " who need extra care and who are victim to extenuating circumstances. Although my SPN praised my willingness to be out among "normal" people, she also saw the danger in it, but she does want me enrolled in some sort of a program before the fall starts.

I had planned to cancel my appointment with the woman to enroll me in the creative classes at the clinic, but I have decided to go to it anyway tomorrow and see what she can come up with for me. Maybe there will be a good opening.

In the meantime, I have checked out the courses that are available for me to take instead and found out that they are very expensive. The ones that I was interested in taking cost several hundred euros each for 26 weeks and are only given at night. Of course, I can't afford these and would not want to go at night. There's no subsidy for them and the tuition is calculated on your age and postal code, which is very specific.

I think some things are meant to be and some things are not and there is such a thing as fate. So, that is what I will believe in then.

In the meantime I'm sitting here with a glass of milk, freezing my buns off. I washed my bathrobe and I think it isn't dry yet. I better go check on it... no, it's still wet. I will go to bed shortly and get under the warm duvet. I am yawning something awful.

Goodnight, dear people. Sleep tight.

Ciao,
Nora

In the morning...

I think I've slept sufficiently enough and now I'm ready to start the day. I woke up before my alarm clock went off, but I'm fit as a fiddle and wide awake. I'm drinking my first cup of coffee and will have another one shortly. It sure tastes good this morning as coffee does some days. Maybe that's because I just opened a new pack and the coffee is fresh. I inhaled it deeply when I did.

I'm going to see my SPN this morning after failing to see her last week because I slept through the time for the appointment. I will make no such error today. I'm looking forward to seeing her because I've been feeling very sane lately and it will be good to talk to her under those circumstances. Not that I normally feel that crazy, you mustn't get that impression, but lately I know what I'm doing very well. I feel very normal. It's nice to have your head screwed on straight and to know it.

Tyke's tennis ball was temporarily lost, but I just retrieved it from underneath the sofa and needless to say, he's bouncing it around the living room now and pretty soon I'll have to get involved in the game also. Right now he's managing without me. As long as he's amused for a while, I'm happy.

It's cold out today and it's going to rain again. Right now it is only 15C and it's even cool inside, which is about time. I'm wearing my bathrobe because I'm sitting in a draft. I would have been thrilled about that last month, but now my feet are cold. I'm not going to close the windows, though. I won't do that until frost threatens and that's a few months away yet. Knock on wood.

For the past 15 minutes I've hardly been able to type because Tyke has involved me in his game and I've also had to retrieve the tennis ball from hard to get to places numerous times. I think he displaces them on purpose. He comes to me with a sorrowful looking face and leads me to the spot where the ball is stuck. He's so happy when I find it.

I've got to stop writing because I have to get the show on the road. I have to get showered and dressed and take Tyke for a walk. It's not raining yet, so I have to take the opportunity while I can.

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Decisions...

The final decision about Toby was made yesterday. It was a tough one to make and although I was quite sad about it initially, I was relieved this morning that I didn't have to care for and feed his helpless body, which I could have gone on doing indefinitely. That means that I have peace with the decision and that I can live with it. Our little household is back to normal now and the litter box has been cleaned up and put away. Gandhi very casually walks around the apartment and Tyke has stopped obsessively sticking his nose in the paper box where Toby was constantly sleeping. All is well with the world and we are okay. Life continues as before.

The clothes I had ordered got here yesterday late in the afternoon and I tried all of them on immediately. Some of the things fit perfectly, but others didn't at all regardless of the size I had ordered them in, so I repackaged them and arranged for them to be picked up today. There's a lesson to be learned from this and that is that there's a difference in sizing in the different brands and that it is better to stick to the brand that you know well and that you are sure about the size of.

The harem pants that I ordered turned out to be great and I really like them and they fit well. The top that I got to go with it fit well too and it makes for a nice outfit. So I was pleased about that. I'm going to wear it today after I've had my shower this morning. It's so nice to wear clothes that you are happy about and it does wonders for your self esteem. You feel yourself get taller and skinnier, although that is just an illusion, of course. It's very pleasant, nevertheless.

I talked to my SPN about taking everything so seriously and not having enough of a sense of humor and it is really not only because of the fact that Toby was dying. It is a general attitude that I have and that is starting to bother me very much and that I want to get rid of.

We traced it back to a large sense of disillusionment that I carry with me, which prevents me very often from being spontaneously happy. It makes me analyze every situation I find myself in instead of honestly reacting to it with my feelings. I'm afraid to show my feelings and be spontaneous because I'm afraid of being hurt. Being spontaneous and reacting to a situation with your feelings means not hiding behind your walls and exposing yourself. Being vulnerable. And I'm afraid to be it.

I'm now going to practice letting down my guard. Not everywhere and with every person, but when I think it is safe and there are enough situations when it is. I have to practice spontaneity and being open and looking people in the eyes and being present and approachable. It will be a conscious effort that I have to make. Practice makes perfect.

I look forward to going to bed so very much in the evening. I can't wait for it to be a decent enough time to go to sleep and very often it is very early. I decamp with my book and a glass of milk and make myself cozy. I can't stand the thought of staying up any longer and I just hope that nobody calls me once I'm in bed because I won't answer the phone. I slept 8 hours last night, but I'm sure there will be a nap some time later today.

I finished "Careless in Red" and will now start "The Girl Who Played With Fire." I was going to last night, but fell asleep before I could. I hope it is as good as the first book in the series, which I read without reading glasses and had a heck of a time finishing. Now that I have my reading glasses I have a much easier time getting through a book. The Inspector Linley one turned out to be much better than I initially thought it was going to be. At the beginning I didn't enjoy reading it very much and I thought about giving up on it, but tenaciousness kept me at it. I'm glad it did because it turned out to be quite interesting and a satisfying read.

Well, I have to start the morning ritual. It's that time again. First I'll take a nice warm shower because I'm cold. The mornings have been colder lately. We're supposed to have some rain today, but we'll see if that materializes. It will be nice if it does. We still need it.

Have a good day you all.

Ciao,
Nora

Wishful thinking...

Although I wished it very much, I came to realize yesterday that Toby was not at all better. I had put Tyke outside so he would not bother us, and put Toby down in middle of the kitchen floor where he proceeded to fall over and make his stumbling way back to the paper box with much effort. It was painful to see and rather discouraging. He's been in the paper box ever since, except for one clumsy visit to the litter box. So the news is not good.

I thought the Exfactor was going to be here yesterday to take Toby to the vet, but I had misunderstood him and he is going to be here today, which gave Toby a reprieve of one day and me the opportunity to observe him a while longer. I've observed him all I can now and I can only come to one conclusion and that is that he needs to be put out of his misery. I can't keep postponing this. It is selfish if I do.

Anyway, I'm in an undetermined mood and I don't know what to make of it. I hope it is related to Toby's condition and it's outcome and that I'm not about to slide down the slippery slope. I'm not exactly elated right now, but I'm not really depressed either. I'm a little on the morose side and in order to compensate for that, I've ordered more new clothes that I can actually not afford, but thought were necessary to my wardrobe anyway.

I liked my harem pants so much that I've ordered another pair, but in a slightly different style and in a different color. They are very comfortable to wear and I've been enjoying the ones I just bought. They match up with a variety of tops and I can wear them in colder weather too with leggings underneath them.

I ordered some T-shirts with large print on them to go with them and I think I will look rather cool. I did not consider if they were age appropriate, considering myself ageless.

I ordered a summer top and two summer dresses on sale that I can wear with leggings and long sleeve stretch T-shirts underneath when it gets colder. Of course, I can also wear my long sleeved black bolero over them and my short sleeved long black cardigan.

I suppose I get the need for new clothes when I need to make myself feel better and to brighten my day. I'm also more aware of what's in my closet now that I've cleaned it out and I see what is missing from it and what I don't wear anymore and what doesn't really fit of what's left in there. I do get picky about my clothes and I do love my favorite clothes so very much.

There seem to be times of the year when I love new clothes more than other times. I'm already thinking about the fall and the clothes that I will wear then, although I'm not remotely thinking about the winter yet and will not for a while. I will postpone any thoughts of it until the first freeze, probably, although I have already bought that fabulous new scarf for 5 euros. That was a give away. It's so long that I can wrap it around my neck twice. That's my early acknowledgment

to winter.

It's early in the morning and I've been up for hours. Yesterday morning I cleaned up the kitchen and swept the floors. I took a nap on the sofa afterwards. It was very pleasant as I had the TV on for company and would wake up every once in a while to the latest news.

I have to go see my SPN this morning and I'm going to ask her where my sense of humor has gone. I seem to take everything so seriously and don't see the humor in anything. I don't even laugh when I hear a joke. I over analyze everything, even jokes. I get tired of it myself.

Have a good day,

Ciao,
Nora

Good morning!

At the risk of sounding repetitive, I have to tell you that I had a good night's sleep. I went to bed early, which was mostly out of sheer boredom, and slept until 5:30 this morning. When I say I was bored, I mean that I had told myself that I couldn't park my rear end behind the computer, because I want to break myself of that bad habit. There will be no compulsive blogging and I want to set limits on the time I spend behind the computer doing unnecessary but time consuming activities.

I didn't want to watch television because, except for the news, there was nothing worth watching on and it does have an off button. That left me reading my book and I figured that I could do that just as well in bed as I could on the sofa and I would be more comfortable.

I'm at the end of it and I know who the perpetrator is. It wasn't a complete surprise, although I had not thought of him automatically and the story did have all sorts of twists and turns, some of which I was quite uncomfortable with. The guy who did it was completely nuts, but in a very dangerous and calculated way. I won't give the story away. You'll have to read the book yourself. I do recommend it.

I saw my SPN yesterday afternoon. The bike ride over there was hot. I think I got a tan in the short time it took me to get there. The sun was out and the temperature was high and there was no breeze to speak of.

Since I lead such a dull and uninteresting life, which is really causing me to feel somewhat depressed and futile, we have decided that I should start creative classes again on the days that I have no other activities. We have an idea of what's available, but we don't know what the waiting lists are like. My SPN is going to put in an application and I will hear about it and get an appointment for an intake.

I know it is absolutely necessary that I do this. I must take an interest in outside activities. I must get out of the apartment and do something creative and be around other people. I do have to do this in a safe environment. The classes will be at the psychiatric clinic that's a five minute bike ride away from my apartment, so I will not have to worry about it being too far away and not wanting to make the bike ride over there. I have to make everything as uncomplicated for myself as possible.

I'm glad that I've made this decision and I can wait as long as I have to for whatever space has to open up. Even if I just start with one day that will be alright. I hope to be able to go two or three days, but I will be happy with two.

Today it's not going to be a hot day for a change, because a cold weather system is moving in and we are expecting rain this afternoon and tomorrow. As long as it doesn't rain this morning I am happy, because I have to walk to the dog salon with Tyke. Little does he know what is awaiting him, but he will be a much happier dog afterwards. I have already taken his before picture and I will take his after picture also and post those.

I have to get dressed and take him for a walk now. He is telling me it is time and I can't ignore him. Out I go in the coolness of the early morning. It will be pleasant out there.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

After a long night's sleep...

I managed to sleep from 10 o'clock last night until 6 o'clock this morning. I think that was partly because I was not at all interested in sitting behind the computer and doing anything blog related. As a matter of fact, I felt an aversion to my blog and my compulsion to keep wanting to change the design of it.

I think I keep wanting to change the design of it to make it a better blog, while I know that it doesn't depend on the appearance but on the contents.Lately I have felt that I don't have much of importance to say, yet I feel compelled to write to prove myself wrong. Every post looks alike and I feel that I'm only repeating myself post after post with the same unimportant ingredients.

I talk about how much I sleep and how much coffee I drink and about taking Tyke for walks. I actually lead a very boring life and from that I somehow have to put together a post that's interesting enough for people to want to read.

I think I'm not capable of doing it and the realization of it is hitting me hard and putting some fear into my heart. This makes me do things such as change the design every time I turn around. It also wants to make me change the title of my blog to fit the design I find.

Desperate people do desperate things, so I have decided instead not to be so fixated on my blog and to turn the computer off often during the day.

In the meantime, I have managed to get an appointment to have Tyke trimmed and bathed tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock. There was a cancellation and that's why I managed to get him in so quickly. Otherwise it would have taken much longer. It will be so nice to get that done, because he really looks like a raggedy dog now. He almost looks like he has dreadlocks.

I've just taken him for a walk and it was still lovely out. It was just the right temperature. The sun was not to hot and there was still a bit of a breeze. It's going to be a hot day today, though, and I'm not looking forward to that. I have to go see my SPN this afternoon and I have to go on my bike, but hopefully that will be pleasant, as I will catch a breeze while I ride it.

I'm going to finish doing the laundry now. I never did get done with that yesterday. I have no reason why I didn't. I just forgot about it.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,
Nora

Sleep indeed...

I slept all night last night, just like an ordinary person, I swear to God. It was an amazing experience after not having done so for about a week. I went to bed at a decent time and woke up at a decent time after having had a few significant dreams that I was rather pleased with. Dreams that normally have lots of frustration in them, but that now had satisfying endings. They point me emotionally in a whole new direction and remind me of some of my rights and desires and my own power as a human being. It is possible to swim and not drown in life's complications. It may even turn out to be a warm tropical sea in which you will float. I don't mean to speak in mysteries, but they are realities to me.

I woke up with some time to spare before I had to go to my SPN. I drank coffee and answered my emails. Then I got dressed and walked Tyke. We met a woman with two French bulldogs and much sniffing and snorting went on before all the dogs were happy. The bulldogs snorted, of course, with their flattened noses. Tyke likes these encounters very much and is as happy as a toddler in the zoo. He just can't get enough of it and I literally have to pull him away with all my might. He longingly looks back at his departing friends and really wants to follow them home.

My SPN pointed out to me, that my grievances may actually be real and that I should not just dismiss them as being a product of the absence of enough medication in my system, although she did say that this possibly aggravates it. We looked at one situation in particular and found that it had a real basis and that it was not something I imagined to be true. I do have a real grievance, it is based on something and I have every right to be upset about it and to want to correct it. It's just how I go about it that makes the difference. That's the important part. I feel that I have to be very careful about that and not burn any bridges behind me and I think I could easily have done that yesterday, because my tone would have been very accusatory and nasty. I can't have that. I do want to stay rational and calm. It's the best way to achieve what I want.

The Exfactor was supposed to be here and I just called him to find out where he was and he told me he's not going to be here until tomorrow morning. I'm slightly p*ssed off about this, because I would have waited in vain and he would not have called me. Besides, I think it's rude to say you're going to be here and then decide not to show up. I did count on it and have been waiting since 11 am when I rushed home from my appointment. I think he does insist on leeway a little too much.

I've walked Tyke again and he was his same predictable stubborn self who insisted on being ornery in all the same places. I can pinpoint ahead of time where that is going to be and I'm waiting for him to get over it. Sooner or later he must catch on to the fact that I'm not going to give in to him and that we are not going in that direction and that we are going to move on and that we aren't going to walk around those trees. He did finally get his way and ate the bread that the ducks didn't eat and he acted like it was something incredibly special. Like I had starved him for days. He's got a very tough life here.

The day has been mostly sunny, although there are clouds in the sky and it isn't all that warm. We are just pretending it's warm and everybody is out with bare arms and bare legs, even the mailman. Let it not be said that we aren't optimists. It would be nice to sit out on a cafe terrace now and have a cold beer, though a glass of white wine would do nicely too. You do need someone to sit with, though, and the only person I can think of is my friend Yvonne. Everybody else is unavailable. My sister is in Italy and my friend Lucienne is in Spain. Besides, it's too late in the afternoon to make plans. I should have thought of it earlier. Oh no, I thought the Exfactor was coming.

At least I haven't felt the need for a nap and that is a bonus point. It will probably mean that I will sleep well tonight. I will read my thriller this afternoon. I tried to read it in bed last night, but fell asleep with it quickly. I had enough sense to put it under my pillow and turn off the light, although Tyke hasn't been in the least bit destructive anymore. I think those days are behind him, knock on wood. He leaves my books alone and the books on the bookcase are safe too. So are my shoes and my cigarettes and lighter. He's just about done being a "terrible toddler."

I hope you're all having a good day. I hope your weather is nice. It's slowly warming up in the living room now that the sun is shining through the windows. I don't have a tan yet, but I may try to get one.

Ciao,
Nora

Waiting for the good guy...

I'm waiting for the Exfactor to show up. Since he never lets me know when he will get here, I can wait for hours and I have to keep myself busy in the meantime. I've done some chores and saw my SPN earlier this morning and now I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee trying to ignore Tyke who is breathing down my neck, literally. He is standing on the arm chair behind me and has his paw on my shoulder and his nose on my head. He is grumbling at me because I won't budge.

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In the meantime, I've walked Tyke and the Exfactor has showed up. He has now gone to the grocery store with my list and my band card and Tyke is eating. He takes a bite and chews it while he walks around the living room. It's called recreational eating. The Exfactor has got me an elastic brace that fits completely around the palm of my hand, including in the lower part of my thumb. It has been bothering me for a few days and I think it is due to handling the mouse of the computer. The brace feels really good around it and I will wear it for awhile and see if it gives me any relief. I can always go to the doctor if it gets worse. The brace also prevents me from making the wrong moves with my thumb, which is helpful.

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When I saw my SPN this morning, I could only conclude that I was in a completely sane state of mind. I was neither depressed not hypo-manic. I was as I wish always to be, completely "normal." Whatever definition of the word you want to apply to it, but you will know what I mean. This pleased us both very much and it put me in a good mood. I felt very much relieved that I had reached that point after the downturn last week. My SPN said it was because I had recognized what was happening to me on time and asked for help on time, and I said that I'm better able to do it each time because I'm not embarrassed to. I don't think anyone is going to think I cry wolf. So, I did alright then.

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I needed very little groceries and discovered that buying the dog food I always get is no more expensive at the store than buying it on line. As a matter of fact, buying it on line is more expensive because I have to pay delivery charges, and all this time I thought I was getting a good deal because I was buying it in bulk. No, I'm not, so burst that bubble immediately. From now on I'm buying this dog food at the store. The Exfactor had also brought a cigarette lighter with him without me asking for it, though I had meant to, because the one I had was almost empty of fuel. He must have gotten my telepathic message. That's a neat trick, I'm going to try that again.

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The domestic help did a good job cleaning yesterday. The spare bedroom is a damp room and as a result, the woodwork of the back door and of the window always gets very dirty with mildew and streaks from the water that drips down. She cleaned all the woodwork first and it looks like it has been freshly painted. Than she washed the window and the window in the back door inside and out and they are so clean that it looks like there is no glass in it. It's wonderful. The curtain that was in front of the window in the back door went straight into the trash bag. It had a bad case of mildew and dust. It was beyond salvage.

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Now all that has to happen is for the Exfactor to move all his boxes and shelf systems out and that room can be wallpapered and painted and have furniture put in it beside the closet and the chair that are in there already. It's a big room, so there is space for an extra bed and a work table. I promised myself that I would get artistic again as soon as I would have the space for it, so it needs to happen sooner rather than later. I think 2 years is a long time to wait for a room to get emptied out.

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Anyway, after much talk about his work and motorcycles, the Exfactor is gone again until Friday. He is a sweetheart, though, and I have to stay loyal to him. What other ex-husband would do the groceries once a week and come visit twice a week? Not many, I bet. I suppose I do serve a function in all of this too. I haven't quite figured out what it is, but I won't break my head over it. The arrangement is quite satisfactory to me, so I won't complain. I see enough of him to get my fill and appreciate him for who he is. Which is basically a decent human being. Let's not forget that. You don't meet many of those nowadays.

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I asked him to buy me a bag of apples and I'm going to try and eat one of those. I don't know if I can eat a whole apple, but I'm going to chew very carefully and eat as much of it as I can. I think I need the roughage and the vitamins. It will be a good addition to my diet. I haven't eaten an apple in a very long time and I'm looking forward to it. I didn't put them in the refrigerator because I like my fruit at room temperature. I think then you can taste the flavor better than when it's cold. So wish me a lot of luck with eating my apple. I'm going to eat it with the skin on and all.

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I hope you're all having a good day and nice weather. It's turned sunny and pleasant here after a very cool start. It was freezing at 6 am.

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Ciao,

Nora

Later in the evening...

I just woke up from a two and a half hour nap on the sofa. There's no doubt about it that I needed it very much, because I was wound up as tight as a spring and not at all in my normal relaxed frame of mind. Needless to say, this was due to my lack of sleep, although that really had not dawned on me so much, until I woke up again and noticed the difference. I had not realized how much the shortage of sleep had influenced my mood.

I'm going to sit here for a while before I go to bed and relax and write this post. I'm not quite ready to go back to sleep yet. First I need to let my brain do some work and have it engaged in some intellectual activity, although it will not fly too high. Imagine that, an intelligent post at this time of the evening. I don't think I have it in me. I'm lucky if I can type and put two or three words together, let alone whole sentences and have them make sense. Well, I'm doing my best anyway.

It seems like this day has lasted for ever and I suppose it has in a way, because those few hours of sleep this morning didn't amount to much. That was just a cat nap, really, just like this evening. If you look at it that way, I have been up for a long time. I don't want to repeat that performance. It's extremely exhausting and nerve wrecking.

I've had two glasses of berry juice and they were good, but now I'm burping. It's most unladylike and it''s a good thing that I'm here on my own, because I'm not fit for polite company. It's wonderful to drink cold juice, though, and I guzzle the contents of the glass down in a hurry. That's how thirsty I get. It's time to switch to cold milk now, otherwise the juice will be gone in no time and I do have plenty of milk.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my SPN, but it isn't until in the afternoon, so I can sleep late if I want to. I want to, I just want my body to co-operate. I'm yawning now and I just took my sleeping pill and my tranquilizers, so they should start to work pretty soon and then I'm off to bed.

Have a nice might all of you, or a nice day, whichever comes first.

Ciao,
Nora

Next post, please.

I slept 8 hours last night and I would still be asleep if it weren't for the fact that I'm expecting my personal helper and had to get up for that in time. I did have to get dressed and drink some coffee to be in an approachable state. I'm drinking my second cup right now and hope to be fully operational soon.


It's a beautiful sunny day outside and I really ought to be out in the country somewhere enjoying myself with Tyke, having a picnic and wandering the unbeaten paths. That's what I'm in the mood for. I must find a way to do this. Tyke is doing better, by the way, he is livelier and pestering the cats again, so he is almost back to his normal self. His eye is still red, but I assume that will disappear over time. He's still a little more subdued, but that may be psychological as well. It's quite an ordeal that he went through, after all.

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It's now a few hours later and the domestic help is here. This is Friday's domestic help who is very unhappy with Monday's domestic help. She says that the one on Monday doesn't do her work well and is going to try and replace her with herself. My personal helper was witness to this indignation and agreed with her, so I do have a back up when I get entangled in this web. I really hope I don't, though. I'd hate to get in the middle of two domestic helpers.

I'm a bit uncomfortable to be sitting down while somebody else is cleaning my apartment, but I act as if I don't care. I try to be as cool as a cucumber. It is hard when you're really a bit nervous about the whole thing, but I don't want to get in the way of her either. She's so industrious.

I don't know how you feel about people coming into your house, but I'm a bit uneasy with it, especially if they concern themselves with your personal life, which these people do. I do feel that I have few secrets. I really have to have locked chambers in my head to keep some things sacred. Then I have to decide who to tell what. I try to tell my SPN and my psychiatrist everything, but I notice that even then I'm on guard sometimes. It becomes a habit.

My apartment is clean and the domestic help has left. I have to say that I like this woman a lot. She's very friendly and easy to talk to and she does a heck of a job. I didn't know what cleaning house was until I saw her at work.

The personal helper and I took Tyke for a walk this morning. He did well and was obedient. He's been obedient all day. I don't know what's gotten into him. I like him this way. Maybe he has entered a new stage in his growing up process through the shock of it all. Shock therapy for dogs. Oh, how sad. As if you would do that to your dog.

The weekend has properly started now. I'm my own boss from this point forward until Monday. How very nice. I do appreciate my time off. Now that I feel better the empty hours are not a problem anymore. I do have to watch the afternoon news in a little while and see if BP managed to fix the oil leak. I don't have high expectations. My God, what a disaster. I also have to see how the political campaigns are going and what godawful things they are promising us, the voters. We are all being taken on a merry-go-round. Don't trust a politician, except the rare honest one. I'm voting for her. Call me naive.

Ciao,

Nora