A pain in the neck...

I've got a very cramped up muscle in my neck. The doctor says that it is what's causing my headche. He says it is as tight as a drum and as hard as a rock. He was testing my neck to see what hurt the most and believe me, I found out. It was very painful. 

He wanted to send me to physical therapy but that's no longer covered by my health insurance, so he gave me exercises to do instead. I've also gotten a pain killer that should work well and I have to stay very warm and keep my neck protected from any cold drafts. 

Since the weather had gotten worse, the first thing I did when I got home was close all the windows and turn the heater on. Then I got a scarf off the coat rack and wrapped it around my neck and I haven't taken it off yet. It's actually kind of fortunate that the weather turned bad because now I have an excuse to wear warmer clothes and have the heater turned on. 

It's good to know what's wrong because in my effort to protect myself from the pain from the headache, I was making all the wrong moves. This was actually making the situation worse, I realize now. Now that I know what's wrong, I can take the fact that it's a problem in my neck into account and move differently. The pain killer also helps and makes it easier to move my head and neck around.

I should be doing much better soon and I will not be doing anything that will put my neck in danger such as move heavy furniture around which I was planning on doing.

The Exfactor and a friend of his moved all the junk out of the spare bedroom yesterday. It is an amazing thing to see the room empty except for  a few pieces of furniture. I thought it would never happen. The room does need a good cleaning but luckily my domestic help is going to be here in the morning. If she does nothing else but clean that room, I will be more than happy. 

It's actually going to be my room because the door to the patio is there and I will have to be able to let the dog out during the night. My closet is already there and it will be easy to move my bed there and the few other pieces of furniture that I'll need. I've already filled one shelf system with stuff that is purely mine and it is in place.

The Exfacor will help me with putting the guest room furniture together. He's coming back in the afternoon to do the groceries and may be able to do it then. He's bringing his electric screwdriver. Hopefully the room will be clean by then.. 

I'm constantly catching myself in pain and immediately figuring out what I'm doing wrong. I find that by changing the way I hold my head and neck and shoulders I can relieve the pain. Isn't that good to know? 

I still haven't figured out why drinking ice cold milk helps so much. I always feel better when I do and I drink many glasses of it. I thought it numbed the pain but the doctor said that heat is actually good for it. So that is a bit of a mystery. Whoever knows the answer is free to reveal it.

That's all I have to report for now. I hope you're all having a good night. May it be as pleasant as mine is. 

Ciao,

Irene

Some coffee first, please...

I had to bring myself back to life with a cup of coffee before I could even think about writing this post. I was in sorry shape. I had gotten there without me really realizing it until I noticed that I was yawning an awful lot and couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. 

Luckily, a pot of coffee was quickly made and cup even more quickly poured. I drank it in a hurry and I'm starting to feel a bit better now. I'm not quite back to normal, but I'm on my way and expect to be in great shape in just a little while. I have to be patient enough to let the caffeine do its work and it will do that as if by magic. 

Aren't I always the eternal optimist? Just give me a cup of coffee and a cigarette and all will be well in my world. There's not much that can go wrong then. I do have a tendency to live in the moment and not think ahead too much. Whatever goes well now is of importance. I'll see about the rest later. 

The Exfactor was here this morning and put some order to the spare bedroom and he will be emptying it on Thursday. I'm so glad about that because I thought it was never going to happen. I'm happy that he finally gave me a day on which it is going to take place. There are a lot of things to move and he's done the preperatory work. I will have to do some sorting myself too and make sure that everything that needs to go actually does.

It does remind me to never save anything that I have any doubts about. If it's not absolutely necessary that I keep it, out it goes immediately. There will be no more spare room to put it in. I will have to be ruthless about making my choices. Life is about holding things down to the bare minima anyway. It doesn't pay to hang on to obsolete items. That's just so much bagage that you don't need to carry around with you. 

It was a lovely day today. We had sunshine and great temperatures. It was warmer today than it was yesterday. It was very nice to take the dog for a walk, especially if we stayed out of the shade which we did for the most part. The hedges are green now and there are birds hiding in them. There are also bees buzzing around and daisies and dandelions in the grass.  The fruit trees are also blooming.

Because I have the windows open. I hear the birds start to sing very early in the morning before it gets light. It's a joyous sound and makes me happy. It's nice to fall back asleep to. That's an understatement. 

Well, I'm all done getting back to normal now and I will end this post. I can't blather on forever. 

I hope you'll all have a wonderful evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Still crazy after all these years...

Because I must be fighting a virus, I take naps at every opportunity in my armchair and on the sofa. They happen quite spontaneously and are completely unplanned. I just drift off on the spot and wake up in the most uncomfortable positions. But I'm always more alert and refreshed than I was beforehand so apparently I need them. My headache is a bit better today, but I'm still taking the paracetamol and it's helping a lot.

The bedroom furniture was delivered this afternoon in not too many individual packages so it looks like it's not going to be that much work to put it together. That is a bit of a relief. I had been a bit concerned about that because I have to ask the Exfactor to help me put it together. Although he is very handy, I don't want it to be too complicated. I want the whole business to go as easy as possible. I don't want fixing up the spare bedroom to become a frustrating experience.

I'm very thisty and am drinking one glass of ice cold milk after the other. It's like I can't get enough of it, although they're bloating my stomach. I so very much feel like having very cold things to drink. I don't have any ice cubes or I would make cold lemonade, although that is a little bit too sweet. My older sister and I are both hooked on cold milk. We seem to love dairy products, pudding, yogurt, buttermilk. The last one would taste very good right now. I do like the sour taste of it.

I've not done any interesting things today, but I think I can be excused. Getting through the day without too much of a headache is enough of an achievement. I thought I was rather down when I started the day, but it was probably because of not feeling well and needing to sleep. A physical ailment can make you feel down too. 

I feel that I'm all done rapid cycling. I don't get halleluja moods anymore. I'm glad about that. I know myself better this way. I'm on familiar grounds now.

I hope you're all having a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Setting free the elephants...

Today has been an odd day and I feel like it took twice as long to get over with than it usually does. I feel like I've lived two days in one. This is no doubt due to the fact that I got up early and was running ahead of myself all day long. It did mean that I could have two very leaisurely cups of coffee in my armchair before the day started and could contemplate my navel. For a while I had nothing else to do.

I woke up with the migraine that had never left me during the night. I had stabbing pains in my head whenever I moved it and I wonder if I'm not fighting some sort of a virus that's not causing me any other sort of problems. I have to move my head carefully and remember not to bend over or get up quickly. It is a bother, but I will just have to wait it out patiently. I'm not going to the doctor yet. 

I waited in vain for a phone call form the energy company which I was supposed to have gotten early in the morning. That's why I had gotten up on time, but it never came. I will have to call them myself tomorrow so as to not have all sorts of misunderstandings happen about my contract with them. I do dislike companies that don't stick to their promises. It's a very simple thing to call a customer when you say you will. I do so appreciate efficiency and not living in a banana republic. 

My personal helper was here on time, not that I'd be put out if she weren't (I forgive her anything). We talked about the week's events and gossiped like two old women. We are roughly the same age so the same things concern us. She always has some handy tips for me and we get along well. The dog likes her a lot too and wants nothing more than to sit on her lap. The cat has come to quietly accept her, but she does stay a little aloof. She is friendly but standoffish. 

Afterwards I had to go see my therapist for an unexpected talk because I'd had such a difficult couple of days and I needed to unload. There were some big concerns that I had about my mental health that I had to discuss with her. I know no person other than her who I can do this with. I feel that there is nobody else that I can be as honest with. It's about trust and I don't trust just anybody with my most inner thoughts. 

She's very honest with me and will even burst my balloon if she thinks I'm on the wrong track. She makes me take the responsibility for all my actions and feelings and creates links between them that I didn't see. I felt somewhat deflated after I had talked to her today, but I did feel that the truth had been discussed. I am seeing her again on Wednesday for my regular appointment. There is enough left to talk about. 

I had to walk the dog when I got home, but despite the sunshine, it was cold outside and it wasn't much fun to be out there. Maybe it is because I'm sick, but I'm having a hard time staying warm today. 

The Exfactor came and did the groceries and bought me some paracetamol which I have taken and which is helping my migraine a bit. I'm not as uncomfortable as I was before and can move my head around a bit easier. 

I sat in my armchair and watched the repeat of the news but was shivering and fell asleep. When I woke up very uncomfortable, I turned on the heater and went to bed for a nap. That was the best thing I did today. I felt ever so much better when I got up again. I made myself some coffee and decided to turn on the computer and not do anything else that was complicated today. 

The bedroom furniture is going to be delivered tomorrow afternoon. I just got the message about that. I've made space in the hallway to temporarily put it until it can be put together and put in place. I'm excited about that. I can't wait for that room to be empty so I can furnish it. 

I'm feeling extremely low key and not at all like I'm rapid cycling. I would even say that I'm mildly depressed, but that may be because I'm sick. I need to take care of myself well. I will do kind deeds for myself. Somebody has to take care of me. It can only be me because I'm the only one here. 

I hope you all had a good day today. 

Ciao,

Irene

And then there is sleep...

I had forgotten again how much good sleep does to restore my mind. I was quite distraught last night and my feelings were all over the place. I felt like I was falling apart and I didn't know what to do about it. Luckily, some little voice in me told me to go to bed and I did. It was still rather early and I slept until some time in the middle of the night when I got up again. 

I felt fairly normal then and could think straight again, but toward the morning the stress started building up again and I thought I was going to have another tough day. Fortunately, I had the bright idea to go back to bed where I slept until noontime and I woke up feeling quite refreshed.

I've been up and functioning for a while now and I still feel good, so that is a good sign. As soon as I start to feel the stress build up again, I will go back to sleep because I think I have to catch up on it after so many days of rapd cycling. Right now I won't worry about when I sleep, but that I sleep. That seems to be the most important thing. 

Since it is Sunday today, I will really consider this to be my day off and that also means a day off from worries which have a tendency to stack up in my mind when I'm not in the hypo-manic stage. When I'm not in the stage of denial, but in the stage of doomsday thinking. That's what happens when you go from one extreme to another. You pick apart each little thing and worry it to death, not seeing the forest for the trees anymore. 

The higher being did create this day as a day of rest and I will honor it in that way by leaving a lot of things undone. I will pretend that I can't do a thing about them right now and enjoy the peace and serenity the day can bring. That means I will contemplate my navel and think only wise things. It will be a major time out. 

Whatever happens, I will end up with a nice guest room and it is about time it came about. I have been living with that spare bedroom as a junk room for a long enough time. I'm excited about having a bedroom that I can use for the occasion if someone wants to spend the night. It's been a major drawback not to have that and to always have to apologize for the state of it. 

I'm not too concerned about smoking again. Apparently it's not meant to be that I quit right now. The circumstances make it too difficult. I will have to wait for a better opportunty. My therapist had warned me that it is difficult for bipolar people to quit smoking because of the mood changes. I thought it would be much easier than that and had not anticipated the influence of them. It's spending the money on the tobacco that bothers me the most. 

Because I got up so late, it's halfway through the afternoon now and I think I will get dressed and take the dog for a walk. He has only been out back so far and has been waiting patiently. He is a good dog. 

I hope you all have a good, peaceful Sunday. 

Ciao,

Irene

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

All finished with that now...

I'm all done seeing the world through rose colored glasses like I did so naively yesterday. I've come down from cloud number nine and landed back on earth again. Here I am sat solidly in my desk chair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette because, yes, I've started smoking again. That isn't such a strange thing with the whole gamma of emotions I was running through these past 24 hours. I've been high and low and now I think I'm somewhere in between, but defintely not up there with the angels anymore.

The tentative plan is that my older sister M. is going to come and stay with me in a few weeks time. For this purpose, the spare bedroom is being cleaned out and all the junk wiill be disposed of. As a last grand gesture to my hypo-mania, I ordered a new bed and a chest of drawers on line to furnish that bedroom with. This is instead of trying to find something in the recycle store which I was beginning to have more and more doubts about. I do these things quite spontaneously and maybe to my detriment. Common sense comes later.

I hope I'm done being hypo-manic for this season. I've certainly been like a ping pong ball enough. I've bounced all over the place. It is normal for this time of year, but it always takes me by surprise. It's not all that awful to feel on top of the world, but it's not a constant feeling and it can get out of hand. More than anything, it's exhausting. I'm more than ready to be my version of what I consider normal. That's what I'm familiar and comfortable with. It's a hugely more predictable me. 

Today is a cold day and I've got my bathrobe on over my clothes and the heater on. It's gray and overcast outside and we even had a shower. I really don't mind this weather as long as I'm warm enough, but it is in sharp contrast to how it was yesterday. Luckily, I don't have to go anywhere this weekend so I can hibernate and the dog will have to do his last piddles out back. I'm not planning on going outside again. I do love him, but I don't love him that much.

One thing is for sure. I'm incredibly dull when I'm my low key usual self. It's difficult to get me excited. That's nice for me, but it may be different for you if you want to read a super interesting post. 

Ciao,

Irene

Waiting for the good guy...

I'm waiting for the Exfactor to show up. Since he never lets me know when he will get here, I can wait for hours and I have to keep myself busy in the meantime. I've done some chores and saw my SPN earlier this morning and now I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee trying to ignore Tyke who is breathing down my neck, literally. He is standing on the arm chair behind me and has his paw on my shoulder and his nose on my head. He is grumbling at me because I won't budge.

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In the meantime, I've walked Tyke and the Exfactor has showed up. He has now gone to the grocery store with my list and my band card and Tyke is eating. He takes a bite and chews it while he walks around the living room. It's called recreational eating. The Exfactor has got me an elastic brace that fits completely around the palm of my hand, including in the lower part of my thumb. It has been bothering me for a few days and I think it is due to handling the mouse of the computer. The brace feels really good around it and I will wear it for awhile and see if it gives me any relief. I can always go to the doctor if it gets worse. The brace also prevents me from making the wrong moves with my thumb, which is helpful.

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When I saw my SPN this morning, I could only conclude that I was in a completely sane state of mind. I was neither depressed not hypo-manic. I was as I wish always to be, completely "normal." Whatever definition of the word you want to apply to it, but you will know what I mean. This pleased us both very much and it put me in a good mood. I felt very much relieved that I had reached that point after the downturn last week. My SPN said it was because I had recognized what was happening to me on time and asked for help on time, and I said that I'm better able to do it each time because I'm not embarrassed to. I don't think anyone is going to think I cry wolf. So, I did alright then.

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I needed very little groceries and discovered that buying the dog food I always get is no more expensive at the store than buying it on line. As a matter of fact, buying it on line is more expensive because I have to pay delivery charges, and all this time I thought I was getting a good deal because I was buying it in bulk. No, I'm not, so burst that bubble immediately. From now on I'm buying this dog food at the store. The Exfactor had also brought a cigarette lighter with him without me asking for it, though I had meant to, because the one I had was almost empty of fuel. He must have gotten my telepathic message. That's a neat trick, I'm going to try that again.

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The domestic help did a good job cleaning yesterday. The spare bedroom is a damp room and as a result, the woodwork of the back door and of the window always gets very dirty with mildew and streaks from the water that drips down. She cleaned all the woodwork first and it looks like it has been freshly painted. Than she washed the window and the window in the back door inside and out and they are so clean that it looks like there is no glass in it. It's wonderful. The curtain that was in front of the window in the back door went straight into the trash bag. It had a bad case of mildew and dust. It was beyond salvage.

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Now all that has to happen is for the Exfactor to move all his boxes and shelf systems out and that room can be wallpapered and painted and have furniture put in it beside the closet and the chair that are in there already. It's a big room, so there is space for an extra bed and a work table. I promised myself that I would get artistic again as soon as I would have the space for it, so it needs to happen sooner rather than later. I think 2 years is a long time to wait for a room to get emptied out.

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Anyway, after much talk about his work and motorcycles, the Exfactor is gone again until Friday. He is a sweetheart, though, and I have to stay loyal to him. What other ex-husband would do the groceries once a week and come visit twice a week? Not many, I bet. I suppose I do serve a function in all of this too. I haven't quite figured out what it is, but I won't break my head over it. The arrangement is quite satisfactory to me, so I won't complain. I see enough of him to get my fill and appreciate him for who he is. Which is basically a decent human being. Let's not forget that. You don't meet many of those nowadays.

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I asked him to buy me a bag of apples and I'm going to try and eat one of those. I don't know if I can eat a whole apple, but I'm going to chew very carefully and eat as much of it as I can. I think I need the roughage and the vitamins. It will be a good addition to my diet. I haven't eaten an apple in a very long time and I'm looking forward to it. I didn't put them in the refrigerator because I like my fruit at room temperature. I think then you can taste the flavor better than when it's cold. So wish me a lot of luck with eating my apple. I'm going to eat it with the skin on and all.

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I hope you're all having a good day and nice weather. It's turned sunny and pleasant here after a very cool start. It was freezing at 6 am.

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Ciao,

Nora

Hi People.

If you're looking for your award, you have to go down one post and you will find it there. If not, you're in the right place for some leisurely reading.

This afternoon, The Exfactor and I were supposed to move almost everything from my bedroom to the spare bedroom and move all the junk from there to my bedroom. In other words, we were going to exchange rooms, but he called me at 12:30 pm to tell me that his back was still bothering him and that he would be by instead tomorrow when I'm hardly going to be home.

So I said, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and promptly made a plan of action and went to work. First I moved my own furniture out of the way, to make room for the first of the boxes and other junk that was sitting in the middle of the spare room. Then I started hauling that over and stacking it in a rational way against a wall.

That cleared up all the floor space in the spare room and I saw that I would have to do an awful lot of vacuuming, because I could hardly see the carpet for the grit and dog and cat hair and other assorted little bits and pieces that were unidentifiable. It had also been the Exfactor's hobby room.

Then I started taking the boxes of assorted items out of their shelf systems and brought those to the bedroom, very carefully one by one, easy does it. Every time a shelf system was empty, I took it to the bedroom and stood it against the wall and filled it up again, trying to do this in the most logical way, with all the heavy stuff on the bottom.

I did this five times with little breaks and glasses of juice in between. Finally, I had the spare room almost empty, except for one shelf system for which I could not find room and that also has some of my things on it. I am going to look at those items in a while and give them a better place. There won't be much left on it after that and the Exfactor should be able to move it out tomorrow.

Then I had to get rid of all the cobwebs, which were numerous, and vacuum the carpet really well. I took my time doing that and I got it cleaned up very nicely. If you run fast, you don't notice anything. That's what my mother always said.

After that, I had to haul my bed in there and that was a lot of work, because I didn't have the right screwdriver to take it apart. I had to leave it in one piece, but did take the mattress and the mattress support out, which was very heavy. It took some shoving and pulling and pushing to get it through the doorways and around various corners, but I did get it in place and put back together.

The night stand and the chairs and the standing lamp were easy. The long white bookcase was already in place and just needed too be cleaned up and have items placed on it. I did that, but I still need to clean the radiators and wash the windows, but I had run out of steam and called it a day. I will do a few small things now that I'm rested up again, but the hard work I'll do later this week.

I'm mighty proud of myself and said as much to the Exfactor when he called. He was quite surprised that I had done the job all on my own. I tell you, I'm no wimpy woman, I have muscles in my arms. You could say that I take after my father and don't know the word 'can't.'

All this time, Gandhi was 'helping' me. She climbed on every box and shelf system and on top of the mattress that was leaning against the wall. She had a ball. She ran from one room to another and jumped straight into an empty trash bag that made a lot of noise and when the bed was made, she went to sleep on it for a nice little while.

Toby was outside all this time, but at one point he came in and started meowing very confusedly and walking around as if he had lost his way, so I had to reassure him that everything was okay. He's not as playful as Gandhi, being the male cat of the house and having to think about his dignity and all. I think he also gets scared quicker, but don't tell him I said that. He has a reputation to hold up.

The dog just laid on the floor at a close distance and slept and if he got in the way he moved two feet and went on sleeping. I moved his pillow and that was just fine with him, he didn't mind one bit and laid down on it when he felt like it no matter where it was. That dog is unflappable. Nothing upsets him, except for cats eyeballing his very good food. I had accidentally bought him chunky puppy food and he certainly liked that! Gandhi only got to lick his empty dish.

Now I'm off to do those few little chores. I don't have any sore muscles or a sore back, so I suppose I am okay. Tonight I get to sleep in my new bedroom, now no longer called the spare room or the hobby room or the junk room.

Have a good night, everyone. I hope your day was as enjoyable as mine.

Ciao...

P.S. It was 26 degrees Celsius today, tomorrow it will be 27. That's about 80 degrees Fahrenheit.

Sunday when we are lazy and at rest.

I'm having a wonderful mug of coffee and my inevitable cigarette and the Überhund is momentarily distracted while licking his paw. That means he has forgotten the myriad of things he wants me to do for him in the morning. Sometimes he is just a spoiled dog who doesn't know what he wants and decides to be fussy just for the hell of it. Either that, or we're having a big misunderstanding, which is just as likely, because I'm preoccupied and not paying the correct amount of attention.

Before I forget and before I do anything else, I want to post this photograph of my friend Von, so you will all know who I hang out with every Friday afternoon.

It's always nice to put a face to the name, isn't it? The fact that this is a very attractive face helps. Von is tall and skinny and when she walks downtown with her greyhound she turns quite a few heads. They are a perfect match. She turns heads without the greyhound too.

I fell asleep on the sofa and just continued sleeping there, even after I woke up at 3 am to go to the toilet. It's me and that sofa again, or I should say, me and that bed, which I have such a hard time sleeping in. I must change bedrooms quickly and not even wait for the paint on the walls. I have such a dislike for my bedroom, that I don't like sleeping in it. That's not good. I'll have to call the Exfactor today and see when he has time to help me change it around.

In the meantime, I've fed and walked the dog and now he is quite happily snoring on the floor beside me. Of course, I wasn't at all well put together. My hair was pointing in all directions and I had no make up on, but I couldn't be bothered just to walk the dog. It would be the height of vanity to get all dolled up for that early in the morning. The poor dog already was impatient enough.

We had the European Song Festival on TV last night and although I started watching it, I fell asleep very soon into it and have no idea who won. The Netherlands didn't even make it through the half finales, which was not surprising, because it was a very bad song. We haven't come up with a good song in years. They all sound alike, like European Song Festival Songs and there's nothing original about them. We go in there with an attitude as if we're going to win and I'm thinking all along, no way, boys! Talk about fooling yourselves.

I keep on not doing the few household duties that I'm supposed to do. I keep finding excuses not to do them, like: oh, it is late in the day now, it can wait until tomorrow. Or: it's not that bad, if I postpone it one day it won't matter. Of course, I keep postponing everything one day and never get around to it, so today I must. I have to get the kitchen cleaned up, the plants watered and the laundry folded and put away. On Sunday, the day of rest, but I must do it to get a good start to the week.

I must also try and put in a full week of therapies and not cut one day if I can help it, even though I know there will be mornings when I want to stay in bed and sleep some more.

I just looked at the spare bedroom and saw how much stuff there is to move out of there. So many boxes, it makes your head spin. What a mess! There's no way I can tackle that job on my own. I had a small sparkle of hope that I could, but no. It looks like a dumping ground. I would be a broken woman at the end of the day if I tried to do that on my own. It needs muscle power.

I better stick to the things I have to do today. Which include washing my hair again. I will do that first.

Have yourself a super Sunday with lots of nice weather.

Ciao...

Whistling Monday.

I still haven't made it to the grocery store. I was supposed to have gone this afternoon, but the weather has changed suddenly and now it is cold and rainy and I don't feel like going out on my bike. The only sacrifice I have to make is that I have to drink my coffee black and I think I can manage that until tomorrow morning when hopefully the weather will have cleared up a bit.

For as beautiful as it has been the last few days, it has certainly turned ugly now. You'd think it wasn't springtime after all and that we are going backwards toward winter again, but that is March for you. It's an unpredictable month, but even April is still, so we aren't out of the woods yet.

I woke up a 7 AM this morning, without the aid of the alarm clock, but I took a full hour to sit and wake up. I just felt like taking my time and having several coffees very leisurely without any rush at all. This meant I was going to be potentially late for creative therapy, but I thought I would take the chance.

At 8 AM I took my medicines, got dressed and made up, walked the dog, made some cigarettes and hopped on my bike and got to therapy two minutes late, so that wasn't bad at all.

I immediately started to work on my abstract sculpture, which was just about done, except for the finishing touches. I had to add some clay here and there and get the whole thing smoothed out and stable, which the therapist helped me with. She's got a better eye for those things than I do and can point out imperfections that I didn't see. At one point it was just finished and I didn't know what else I could do with it, so I declared it done and now it sits on the shelf to dry before it goes into the oven.

It's not perfect, but it's good and I have to be satisfied with it. I got it as close to the image that I had of it as I could, although it is not exactly the same, but that doesn't matter. I had to improvise the back of it, after all.

Then I got a new bag of clay and started on a new sculpture, which I have an image for also, but I think I am going to make a lot of changes in it, so it will be more originally mine. I'll be using the image as a guideline, but then add and change things.

I'm so totally hooked on working with clay now, that I don't want to do anything else. It is like everything in the world stops existing when I work with it and I stop noticing all the things around me. I practically have to be pulled away from the work bench when it is time to quit and I could stay there all day long. Maybe an artist was lost in me.

So I'm thinking, what am I going to do when I have to do this on my own and I know there is self drying clay that my mother used to make doll's heads with, so I will try that and see what I can make with it. The sculptures aren't glazed, but painted with black and bronze paint, which gives them the appearance of bronze statues and I could certainly do that too.

All the more reason to get that work room in order, don't you think? It will be so nice to be to the point that I have supplies and a table and chair and a good lamp. It all depends on how much extra money I get in May. A lot of things depend on that.

The Überhund has had his Frolic and is now sound asleep on his blanket. He sees me sitting here behind the computer and thinks, "Oh well, I guess we're not going anywhere for a right now." I don't think we are, because it's raining still. He'll have to be patient for a little while longer. He doesn't enjoy walking in the rain anyway and neither do I.

I just took him to the back door and showed him the weather. It was raining and there was a hard wind blowing and he refused to go outside. Smart dog!

I was so hungry that I just ate a tin of mackerel and now I won't be able to drink anything for about 30 to 40 minutes until most of the mackerel is past my gastric band. I am burping something awful and making all sorts of unbecoming noises. I think my little stomach is having a hard time with it. I made the mistake the last time of drinking coffee immediately afterwards and that had a bad outcome, so I'm not doing that again. I'll wait a good long time and until I'm done burping.

Well, that's about it for me for today. As you can see, it wasn't an overly exciting day, but that's okay too.

Have a good night and I hope you are having better weather than we are.

Ciao...

Just one more.

As is usual, I have already had a good sleep on the sofa for a few hours, which were very pleasant and out of which I woke up in a good mood for a change. No grumpiness around anywhere as far as I can see. I took my nighttime medication and am now waiting for that to start working before I go to bed. I hope I make it to bed and that I am not forced to park my body on the sofa again, like I did early this morning, although that was pleasant enough too.

I have read all of your comments on the photographs I posted and appreciate them a lot. I will do that again some day. I will walk around the apartment again and take more pictures of intimate details. No, not of my underwear drawer, although things are fairly neatly arranged in there.

My appointment with my SPN went well. We are not lowering my antipsychotic medication yet, because she thinks I'm just plain worn out from all the intensity I went through after not having used my sleeping pills for such a long time. She said it is no wonder that I feel like a sloth today and that it is a more physical reaction than a mental one and that she sees no sign of depression. She is going to call me on Friday to check on me to see how I am doing then.

Because I was so absolutely not hypomanic today, we were able to discuss that subject to some extent and I was able to give her a lot more clues as to what to look for when I am hypomanic, but claim that I am not, and that is not because I am lying, but because at that time I am convinced that I am not hypomanic. So, I have told her some more tell tale signs and I also explained how she can confront me with myself if I am in denial, because I may need some convincing and become upset if she were to make the claim that I was.

She said that the things I told her today were real eye openers and that a lot of things of the past year started to make more sense to her. My behavior over the past year started to make more sense to her, but it is most important if she knows I'm hypomanic when I don't realize that I am and that she can call me on it and that I can accept it. I have to learn to accept that from her. That when she says, "Irene, I think you are hypomanic right now and we need to increase your antipsychotic," that I don't fight that and go along with it and do what is best for me.

So, that was the story of hypomania and the medication for it. I have lots of stories like that. I am damn near an expert on manic depression and on BPD. Ask me anything and I will tell you.

Well, now I'm sitting here getting a little sleepy, so I best go to bed. Common sense tells me to go, eventhough I want to stay up some more.

Sleep tight.

Ciao...

Damn Near...

I have damn near wasted the whole day messing around behind the computer and this is coming from a woman who claimed she wasn't addicted to it anymore. Yeah, right! Who am I fooling, people? I did do some housework, but it didn't amount to much and the rest of the time I was busy organizing my photographs and and turning the images I call Doodats into things I call Flops with the aid of Paintshop Pro. I had a wonderful time doing that and posted them all on Facebook. The Exfactor got he camera to work again yesterday (I had the batteries in wrong, duh) so I was able to download the photographs of the collages, I will be showing them here next.

So, every evening I fall asleep on the sofa while I watch television and I wake up around 11 PM and think I will blog a little. The problem is, that I am usually in such a grumpy mood when I just wake up late at night, that I don't know what to do with myself. I hope it resolves itself as I sit here and write, but I can't be sure. I am forcing myself to be cheerful now, because I'll be damned if I let this mood spoil my late night activities. Of course, the wisest thing would be to go to bed, but am I known for doing the wisest thing? Of course not.

So, in order to not fall apart in a thousand pieces because of my misery, I have made myself a cup of genuine coffee and I will drink that quickly and see if it will put some bounce in my spirit. I'm not worried about it waking me up, I worry more about it picking me up out of the doldrums. Just this morning I was claiming to be an eternal optimist and I can't be stuck down here in this temporary hole now.

No, I already feel the despair lifting and the sunshine breaking through, although in this case it would be the moonshine from a great big pregnant moon hanging high in a cloudless sky, surrounded by a million stars. Dream on kid, somewhere in the world there is such a starry night. Vincent van Gogh painted it, so I know it exists. Didn't I witness it myself in the desert?

Okay, here I am again. I'm out of the hole and back to normal. I am surrounded by sleeping animals and the whole apartment is very quiet. How utterly boring, but what can you expect at this time of the night? Certainly no wild parties. I'll get down to business then.

This is the first 60x50 cm collage I made after I did the collage book. It was when I was still learning the technique and not quite sure of all the possibilities. I used a lot of text and little texture, because I thought the text was important in getting my ideas across.

I can appreciate it now, but I see all the things I could have done differently, but it is a learning process, after all, and there is nobody standing beside me helping me develop the ideas. I am discovering this on my own. It's only when I ask that I get a gentle hint and I don't ask much, preferring to muddle along on my own.

I didn't realize, for instance, that I could make the text clearer by drawing over it with a felt tip marker. Or that I didn't need that much text, but that I could do other interesting things instead. I think I will work on this one some more and finish it properly.


Here I'm getting a little more adventurous, but I'm still not getting unstuck. There is still a lot of text that is too vague and the images are arranged to evenly across the paper. I am being too neat.

There is a definite lack of inspiration here. I am going through the motions and am learning the technique, but I am not doing anything new.

I remember thinking that I was not all that happy with this one and felt ambivalent about the outcome. It wasn't close to my heart.

The only thing I liked about it was the division of the page into the two colors and there was no real reason for that. I just felt like doing that.

I don't know what I would change about it and if anything can be changed. It is about as done as it can be. In think matted in a good frame it will look good, but I have to think about it.


This one I am much happier with. It was like everything finally fell into place and I knew what I was doing.

I worked with texture and mixed my colors better and didn't use as much text and arranged the pictures differently.

I think adding the texture was a good idea, because it added depth and gave me a rough surface to add multiple colors to with oil pastels.

I was less intimidated by the whole process and worked freely. I enjoyed myself and people stopped by and complimented me on what I was doing.

Making this collage made me enjoy making collages again and made me see the joy of them again.


Although this is not a very clear photograph, this is my favorite collage up to now. The colors are brighter in real life and have more vibrancy.

I love the collection of the images and think they go well together and are arranged well. I put some thought into this, as well as into the former one.

Again, this one has a lot of texture for depth and for the opportunity to add color with layers of acrylics and oil pastels.

I really knew what I was doing here and felt a lot of confidence end enjoyment. I think the fact that I was hypomanic when I finished these last two has something to do with it. So, I must make sure that I am not over medicated.

I'm not joking about that either.


Isn't it simply wonderful to be alive and to be able to make art like this? And yes, I even dare call it art. I have plans for the spare bedroom as soon as the Exfactor has moved all of his boxes and bookcases out. I am going to get a table and chair and my own basic art supplies and work in that room on my own and make collages all the time, whenever I feel like it. I have lots of ideas that I want to try out and I think that if I have the opportunity to work when I feel inspired, I can make some interesting things.

I need for my sister to start saving all the magazines she reads, because I'll need many of those for texts and images. And I'll have to start looking through catalogs and see if there are interesting things in there. You'd be surprised at what you can find in the most odd publications. Even newspapers can have good things in them.

Well, I can get excited about that now, but first I need the room. I can already start clearing an area for the table and chair. That shouldn't be that hard to do. I'll have a good look tomorrow and see what it takes to clean that room up a bit.

Okay, I am still not sleepy, so now I am going to do something else to keep me busy. I have already taken my medication, but I am all out of sleeping pills and have forgotten to pick up more.

So, I wish you all a good night and sleep tight and don't let those things bite you, you know...

Ciao.