Setting free the elephants...

Today has been an odd day and I feel like it took twice as long to get over with than it usually does. I feel like I've lived two days in one. This is no doubt due to the fact that I got up early and was running ahead of myself all day long. It did mean that I could have two very leaisurely cups of coffee in my armchair before the day started and could contemplate my navel. For a while I had nothing else to do.

I woke up with the migraine that had never left me during the night. I had stabbing pains in my head whenever I moved it and I wonder if I'm not fighting some sort of a virus that's not causing me any other sort of problems. I have to move my head carefully and remember not to bend over or get up quickly. It is a bother, but I will just have to wait it out patiently. I'm not going to the doctor yet. 

I waited in vain for a phone call form the energy company which I was supposed to have gotten early in the morning. That's why I had gotten up on time, but it never came. I will have to call them myself tomorrow so as to not have all sorts of misunderstandings happen about my contract with them. I do dislike companies that don't stick to their promises. It's a very simple thing to call a customer when you say you will. I do so appreciate efficiency and not living in a banana republic. 

My personal helper was here on time, not that I'd be put out if she weren't (I forgive her anything). We talked about the week's events and gossiped like two old women. We are roughly the same age so the same things concern us. She always has some handy tips for me and we get along well. The dog likes her a lot too and wants nothing more than to sit on her lap. The cat has come to quietly accept her, but she does stay a little aloof. She is friendly but standoffish. 

Afterwards I had to go see my therapist for an unexpected talk because I'd had such a difficult couple of days and I needed to unload. There were some big concerns that I had about my mental health that I had to discuss with her. I know no person other than her who I can do this with. I feel that there is nobody else that I can be as honest with. It's about trust and I don't trust just anybody with my most inner thoughts. 

She's very honest with me and will even burst my balloon if she thinks I'm on the wrong track. She makes me take the responsibility for all my actions and feelings and creates links between them that I didn't see. I felt somewhat deflated after I had talked to her today, but I did feel that the truth had been discussed. I am seeing her again on Wednesday for my regular appointment. There is enough left to talk about. 

I had to walk the dog when I got home, but despite the sunshine, it was cold outside and it wasn't much fun to be out there. Maybe it is because I'm sick, but I'm having a hard time staying warm today. 

The Exfactor came and did the groceries and bought me some paracetamol which I have taken and which is helping my migraine a bit. I'm not as uncomfortable as I was before and can move my head around a bit easier. 

I sat in my armchair and watched the repeat of the news but was shivering and fell asleep. When I woke up very uncomfortable, I turned on the heater and went to bed for a nap. That was the best thing I did today. I felt ever so much better when I got up again. I made myself some coffee and decided to turn on the computer and not do anything else that was complicated today. 

The bedroom furniture is going to be delivered tomorrow afternoon. I just got the message about that. I've made space in the hallway to temporarily put it until it can be put together and put in place. I'm excited about that. I can't wait for that room to be empty so I can furnish it. 

I'm feeling extremely low key and not at all like I'm rapid cycling. I would even say that I'm mildly depressed, but that may be because I'm sick. I need to take care of myself well. I will do kind deeds for myself. Somebody has to take care of me. It can only be me because I'm the only one here. 

I hope you all had a good day today. 

Ciao,

Irene

Being in possession of my good fortune...

The mission that I was on yesterday was a big success. This was because I was well prepared and in the right frame of mind. I also felt very strong and sure of myself and I was pretty convinced that it was going to have a good outcome. The person I was doing it all for also turned out to be more than ready to receive help and was very co-operative and open to all I had to say. She was further along in the process of discovering herself than I had anticipated. It was a pleasant surprise. 

I now feel that I've succeeded at something very important and that a huge step has been made. It is another great beginning to the new year which is looking good so far. I have a very good feeling about 2012 and I think compared to last year, this is going to be a much better one. And I don't mean just for me personally, but for the world as a whole generally. I think women especially are going to play a big role in bringing about change. It started off with the awarding of the Nobel Peace Prizes at the end of last year and will continue into this year.

If I can be accused of anything it's optimism, but I refuse to see the glass nearly empty. That's not at all the state of mind I'm in. 

I'm sitting here with a glass of milk in the middle of the night and I have to think about going back to bed soon because my personal helper is going to be here early in the morning. I do have to get up on time if I want to have a cup of coffee leisurely and get dressed properly. After she's been here, the Exfactor will come to do the groceries. 

I can't think of another thing to add.

I hope you're all sleeping soundly.

Ciao,

Nora

A hill of beans...

I'm up enjoying my cups of coffee and not worrying about what time I have to get up in the morning because absolutely nobody is going to be here during the day. No personal helper and no domestic help. This is partly due to circumstances and partly due to the holidays. I'm not complaining because I don't mind having a day off. I'm sure I'll get through it just fine. There's always something to do. 

I'll make it up as I go along. I'm sure I'll manage to keep myself out of the worst trouble. What's a middle aged woman to do anyway when she's home all by herself? There aren't an awful lot of things that can go wrong. At the most I may indulge in a lot of television watching. I'll certainly watch a lot of news and be very well informed. I'll have my finger on the pulse. Ha!

I know I'll have to do whatever I can not to be bored and I'll have to spend a lot of time meditating to fill in the empty moments so I won't go mad. There will be lots of contemplating my navel in quiet solitude. That's one way to get through the day. Luckily, I'm good at that and I don't easily tire of that exercise. I do enjoy the peaceful feeling it affords me. It's good if you can tolerate your own company and don't feel like fleeing into the arms of the first available person. 

I'm drinking ice cold milk and I'm starting to yawn. Soon it will be time to go back to bed. I hope I sleep for a long time in the morning without too many intricate dreams. The best is dreamless sleeping. That way you wake up untroubled. 

I feel perfectly at ease now and ready for whatever lies ahead. I don't dread the coming day. I will face it like I've faced many others like it. Keeping myself safe and sound is the main objective. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Back in business...

I had to do without my computer for more than twenty four hours while Ubuntu was removed from it and Windows XP was reinstalled. This was an operation I could not do myself, believe me, I tried. Having to do without my computer for that amount of time didn't cause me too many withdrawal symptoms, because instead of getting up in the middle of the night to blog, I slept instead. This was a novel experience and caused me to have many weird dreams which I don't necessarily want to have again. I like my broken up nights better.

Tonight I woke up just as I was trying to make Beef Wellington from a book by a famous author whose recipe was not clear. You know I would have run into all sorts of frustrations if I had tried. It would have been a tough dream getting all the ingredients right, so I was glad that I woke up. I had enough sense to make coffee and have a cup and now I'm completely coherent and happy for the experience. I like this so much better than sleeping through the night. I really do my best thinking in the middle of the night. I still don't know why that is, but I'll just accept it as a given. 

Remember how I told you that I had started to wear make  up again? Well, I'm getting positive feedback on that so I'm on the right track. People also compliment me on my hair, though all I've done is comb it differently.  You see how little changes can make such a big difference. I'm glad for the positive feedback because it makes me want to try extra hard to make the effort. I know it's worth it to spend the extra fifteen minutes or so in front of the mirror in the morning. Well, it's actually not that long, but just by way of speaking. I do take my time applying my make up and taking care of my skin. Not necessarily in that order. 

I'm also paying extra attention to my clothes and trying to put together different outfits that I haven't worn before. That's a bit of a challenge but a lot of fun. I take immense pleasure in looking inside my closet and coming up with new combinations. I want for them to be flattering as well as warm enough and I usually succeed. I do have a few stand by's that are favorite pieces of clothing that I can always count on. They are basic parts of my wardrobe. 

I've been wearing necklaces to decorate myself with because the earrings have not been a big success. They do irritate my ears and I'm going to have to get some gold studs that I can always wear without the danger of getting an allergic reaction. There must be some nickel after all in the earrings that I do have. I saw some silver ones that I liked and that were affordable, but they are no option. They've got to be gold. Maybe those will be a treat to myself at Christmas. A woman's got to be good to herself, after all. I'll have to see what I can do. 

It's Friday again and the week has gone by very quickly, but then it usually does when I have a few appointments like I did this week. It doesn't take much to keep me busy. Just a few out of the ordinary things will do. If I have at least one event a day, I'm happy. Seeing my therapist this week was very good because she reaffirms my believe in myself and makes me feel very normal. You can't ask for more than that. The same goes for my personal helper, though she has a tendency to want to nurture me too much. I do have to prevent that from happening.

The dog's fur is growing in again and he is starting to look more like himself and more like the stuffed animal that he always used to looks like. It's very cute and makes you want to cuddle him all the time. It's much better than that scanty trimmed look that he had. Even the cat seems to like him better this way and constantly goes up to him to rub heads with him and press her body against him. He very generously lets her. 

It's time for me to go back to bed and get the rest of my sleep. I hate to go and could sit here for a while longer, but I do have to be sensible. Sometimes I have to be anyway. If only for limited periods of time. Tomorrow morning the Exfactor will no doubt wakep me up bright and early when he comes to do the groceries. 

Ciao,

Nora

Picking up the routine again...

I had a cup and a half of coffee and that's all I wanted. It didn't taste as good as it usually does, nor did it quench my thirst. I needed a glass of cold milk for that. It's a good thing that the Exfactor will be here today to do the groceries because I'm running out of milk and the dog is almost out of dog food. I think he has about four bites left in his bowl. The Exfactor will be greeted with open arms. He will be a welcome sight.

Of course, I'm burping now from the milk, but it's not as bad since I stopped taking the B-complex vitamins. I think those upset my stomach too much. A dear blogging friend suggested that they might be and I think she was right, proving that you can't very innocently take just any pill or supplement. They do affect your system. If this is not pointed out to you, you keep very naively taking them and think there's something the matter with you. You don't suspect vitamins and supplements, after all. 

I'm slowly getting back to normal and am not so harried and stressed anymore. I think I'm coming down from the anxious day that Friday was. I achieved this partly by talking about it with my personal helper who does have her positive aspects when I'm willing to see them. I have to be in the right frame of mind to do this and lately I have been. I appreciate her much more than I used to. She helped me get my head straight about the subject anyway. 

It's with some amount of relief that I look forward to the rest of the week, although I have nothing special planned. It will just be the same old routine that it always is and that almost isn't good enough. Something will have to be done about it. I will have to make some plans to fill in my time better. I do wish to sleep later in the morning because I don't do as well when I get up early. My mood is not as good. I think that may have to do with the time of year. I have the need to hibernate.

The weather has been lovely and the sun has been shining every day. The temperatures have not been bad either and I only have to close the windows at night and sometimes turn the heater on for a little while. I do it when the dog starts to shiver in the bedroom. It does get cool in there and is all day long. It's the best room to be in the summertime, but now it's a little bit cold.

I'll have to go back to bed. I must get the rest of my sleep. That's the sensible me speaking. The one who knows not to stay up all night. It's nice and warm in here now, so going to bed will be extra special.

Ciao,

Nora

Compulsion...

I feel compelled to write a blog post, yet I have no idea what to write about. I will have to make it up as I go along. Maybe something brilliant will come up. 

In the meantime I will think about the chocolate that I'm having a terrible craving for. I can only think about it because I have none in the apartment. I'm never prepared for moments like these. 

Okay, I'm all done thinking about the chocolate. There's no sense in dwelling on it if there's none here. Besides, it would just make my eczema itch because it always does. That's the kind of reaction I get to it. I better think of another food group.

That reminds me that I have to ask the Exfactor to buy me a semi-soft cheese when he goes grocery shopping next. I have been having a craving for that also. I'd like for him to get me a good chunk of it that will last all week.

I think I'm getting in the mood to eat more wintry type of foods. The kind that have more calories. I've got to watch that. I'm already eating porridge every day despite my misgivings about the wheat and the fact that it gives me gas. 

I know what time of year it is when I get in the mood to eat cheese. Next I'll be craving pumpernickel bread with real butter, though I think I already am. I've got to make it a point to keep eating healthy foods. I should be alright then. 

Talking about the food that I'm potentially going to eat is not going to make me gain weight. It's what I actually put in my mouth that's going to do it and so far I've got that under control. I just mustn't get carried away with the shopping list. 

I think I will get lots of Knorr chicken soup and a bag of vermicelli. That should take care of my cravings for something hearty and it will be filling too.  Impromptu meals can be made with it.

Right now I'm not eating anything, but having cups of coffee. After the one I'm drinking now, I'm switching to low fat milk. Ice cold. It takes care of whatever craving I may have and it chills my taste buds into compliance.

I'm very content sitting here, but I am yawning, which is surprising when you consider the caffeine. I'll slowly get sleepy and ready to go back to bed. It was the animals that woke me up. The dog was pestering the cat and the cat was complaining loudly in my ear because she was lying on my pillow. 

I need to get up on time in the morning and make sure I get some quiet time in before my personal helper gets here. I do need to drink a cup of coffee in all silence to gather my thoughts before I get dressed. 

I hope you'll all have a good day with beautiful weather. 

Ciao,

Nora 

Art, food and weather...

I just stood by the back door to let out the dog and the rain water was dripping off the trees and the gutters. It's been raining on and off since yesterday afternoon. It's not been a heck of a lot of rain, sometimes it was nothing more than a drizzle, but everything is soaking wet anyway. 

We don't really need the rain. Lord knows we've had more than enough of it these past few months. It would be alright if we had a few weeks of sunshine to celebrate fall with. The weather gods think differently and steep us in misty, rainy clouds at night and hand us blustery skies during the day with unexpected showers. 

You do need to dress for this kind of weather, although people optimistically still want to wear more summery kind of clothes and open shoes. They are the kind who refuse to admit that fall is here and that they need to put on warmer coats because the wind does blow cold on occasion. They are brave and suffer. 

I do no such thing (being an ex-Californian) and dress warmly for the optimal comfort. I noticed that yesterday when I was at the art fair with my sister. 

It was held in the garden of a large castle and by times a strong wind picked up and blew rainy clouds across the sky and it got quite cold. I think I was one of the few people there who was dressed warm enough for that.

The castle was beautiful and had been built in various stages throughout the ages as could be witnessed by the different building styles that were all incorporated together. It all made for a harmonious whole and for a very large building which included a chapel with leaded glass windows and painted ceilings. 

The art fair was very predictable with only a few artists who really stood out and who  really deserved the application 'artist' in its truest form. It was fun to walk along the different stalls to see what was on offer and to cast a critical eye. We saw a few things we liked, but weren't tempted into buying anything. 

Afterwards, we went into the tearoom inside the castle, which also houses a hotel, and had something to drink and shared a cheese platter. It had various soft cheeses and herbal butter and various breads and local condiments. It was delicious and one of the best things I've eaten in a long while.

The town that the castle was in was on the German border and at one point when we were driving there we had Germany on one side of the street and the Netherlands on the other. The dialects that they speak there are very similar, so the people on either side have no problem understanding the other.

I've got to get back to bed because my personal helper is going to be here in the morning and I need to sleep some more. I've set the alarm clock so I'll get up at a decent enough time. I want to be dressed and presentable before she gets here. There's nothing worse than being caught out in your bathrobe half asleep. 

Have a good day you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

The weekday blues...

Much to my dismay, it is Monday morning again and it seems that the weekend flew by in no time at all. I sure as heck don't know what happened to it. It seemed it was Friday evening only just a very short time ago. I think the weekends are too short to enjoy properly and they ought to be three days long instead of two. 

As of now, I'm making Friday a weekend day also. I'll just have to ignore the fact that the domestic help will be here that day cleaning my apartment. If I just overlook that minor inconvenience, I should have no problem treating Fridays as a day off. It will be for the sake of my peace of mind that I do it. 

It would be better for my state of mind if I treated every day like a day off, but I don't think you can get away with that in real life. Responsibilities do have a way of piling up. Maybe if I approached them differently it would make a difference, but I have not yet found a way to do that. 

I would want to approach them lightheartedly with hardly any care. Really, that's all they need. I don't have to put so much serious effort into them. They are never matters of life or death, yet I act as if they are. I act like the load is heavier to bear than it really is. I need to lighten up. 

I need to have a weekend attitude during the week. In the weekends I do chores too, but somehow they seem to weigh less, as if they are not so very crucial and they are done easier. But then I've always liked the weekends better. Even when I still had my kids and they were home from school.

Weather wise it's actually going to be a nice day today with partial cloudy skies and enough sunshine. The temperature is going to be pleasant and I won't have to dress so warm. I can open the windows again after a cold night.

It will be the usual emotionally exhausting day with both my personal helper and the domestic help being here one after the other. I never look forward to that and I have to mentally prepare myself for it. I have to shore up my defenses to deal with it. I always look forward to the moment when everybody is gone again. 

I always feel like I survived that time and that the time spent alone after it is my reward for it. So, all I have to do is hang in there long enough and be patient and wait it out. Soon enough I will be by myself again, although it doesn't seem soon enough to me. Maybe I need to make a change in my arrangements. It may be time to rethink some things. 

I've got to go back to bed for a while and get some more sleep before the first person gets here. I do need a few hours more sleep. It's just becoming dawn. I could stay up now and start the day, but there's no sense in being up so early. I'd like to postpone the inevitable just a while longer.

It's time to take my medicines and have a glass of milk. The dog's been out back and he's sound asleep in the armchair. We should be all set for a few more hours. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

Exit - stage right.

I'm waiting for the dog to wake up so we can go for our evening stroll around the fields. It's not raining now, so it would be the perfect opportunity. There is a brisk wind blowing, but I've put some strong hairspray on my hair that's hurricane proof, so I have nothing to worry about. 

The dog is snoring in the armchair, but I know that just as easily he can wake up any moment. It's just a nap he's taking. I know he has to go out because he hasn't eaten his dinner yet. He only does that after he has been aired properly. He does have his steady habits. 

I've taken a nap, so I'm in good shape. I was doing less well before I took it and that is because I was woken up prematurely by my personal helper this morning. I wasn't done sleeping yet.

I had set the alarm clock, but had shut it off and turned over for some more sleep. I was taken by surprise when she rang the intercom. It took two cups of coffee for me to become enthused about being up, but I was approachable and not grumpy. I just didn't move and talk at a great speed right away. 

I've got a decent outfit on and I will try to wear it as long as possible this week. I must try to keep it clean. It's very warm and comfortable and it looks good and those are my main concerns.

I was wearing something yesterday that looked okay, but it made my flabby stomach stick out and that won't do at all. I had to keep trying to remember to tighten my muscles and of course I didn't. That made me look like a saggy old woman, unless you only looked at me selectively. 

I'm very critical of how other people look, so I assume they in turn are critical of how I look. Or maybe it is the other way around. I don't know which comes first, the chicken or the egg. I'm sure I have some sort of complex. 

I watched 'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone' on YouTube. I had never seen that movie, although I tried to watch it once on an airplane very unsuccessfully. I'm going to watch 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' next. I can see how a person could get completely hooked on these movies. It's especially interesting to see the actors get older with each one. 

I have to wake up the dog and take him for a walk. At the rate he is sleeping, we're never going to go anywhere. I still have to eat dinner and watch the news. There will be no thriller on tonight. Too bad, but there's that movie. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao, 

Nora

Midnight revisited...

Despite my good intentions I relented and closed the windows about an hour ago. I also turned on the heater. I wanted to not do that or worry about the temperature because, after all, it is springtime, even at night. But I got too chilled, even in my bathrobe, and I don't like suffering. It's toasty warm in here now and I think I can turn the heater off and have it be warm enough in the apartment for the rest of the night. It will have to suffice. 

Like I said, I'm sitting here in my bathrobe and I'm obviously not in bed where I should be, but I enjoyed being up late last night and slept well in the morning. I had no bad effects from it today and didn't need to take a nap like I had expected to. I was up on time for my personal helper and even had some time to spare.

I'm extremely mellow and slightly sleepy headed and that feels very pleasant. It's a pleasurable state of mind to be in. I think that's why I like being awake right now. 

It's the whole experience I appreciate. I'm always one to seek out the more pleasant moods that are stress free and in which I feel just a little punch drunk. I seek the altered states of mind that I seem to find at night. Feeling normal isn't good enough. It will do during the day, but at night I want a different experience. 

I went on the bathroom scale tonight and had lost 600 grams. Now I need to get on it in the morning and see what I really weigh, which will be less. I never weigh myself at night, but I was curious because I had not been on the scale in quite some time. I can't wait to see what the weight will be. I hope I will have lost a total of a kilo, but maybe that's too much to hope for. 800 Grams would be nice and I guess that's more realistic. 

Today was an utterly normal day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, except that the weather was unpredictable. Sunshine one moment and huge gray clouds the next.  It was real April weather, although it was a little warmer than usual for the time of year. I guess even the weather wasn't that out of the ordinary. It was a completely forgettable day and you could have traded it in for any other ordinary day that had nothing to distinguish it. 

I suppose I shouldn't complain about that. I'm sure there are enough people in the world who would like to have a very ordinary day with nothing to distinguish it from any other. I'm not really complaining, just stating a fact. It went by quickly and I even watched television last night and watched a soppy show called 'Memories' in which people go in search of an old love from their past. 

Well, I did that and married him and divorced him 15 years later and I don't think the whole adventure was a good idea. It sounds very romantic on paper, but in reality it's not such a great idea. You can't revive a teenage romance. You can do it briefly, but not long term. It has to stay rooted in the past. Ships passing in the night and all that... You don't want to end up like the Titanic on an iceberg. 

I'm a sucker for soppy shows, though, providing they're tastefully done and don't abuse the sentiment. 

Well, I have to move on to the next thing, whatever that is going to be. I don't know if it's going to be bed yet, although I am yawning. I may get excited about something yet. The night is still young. 

Have a good one. 

Ciao,

Nora

Don't bite my head off...

I stayed up early this morning and did not return to bed to catch another forty winks like I usually do. I just didn't feel like sleeping and I wanted to get the day started because that's the sort of mood I was in. Bed didn't seem at all appealing to me, even though I hadn't had that much sleep the night before. I was wide awake and the day could start for all I cared. I was ready for it. 

I showered and picked my outfit with care and was pleased when I was put together. The effect was pleasant enough if I pulled in my stomach and remembered to keep it pulled in. I also have to remember to do more sit ups. 

I walked the dog in the silent streets because nobody was out there yet. It was too early and it was cold. There was frost on the grass and on the windshields of the cars, but the sun was out and it promised to be a nice day. 

When I got home, I did my chores one by one while taking little breaks in between to watch the news. It was during one of these breaks that I remembered that my personal helper wasn't going to be here that morning because she had a week's vacation. That meant that I had some free time ahead of me that I had to spend wisely.

I decided to take the dog for a long walk to see if we could find any more wildflowers. We walked south toward the edge of town and skirted it eastward along a green pathway. I saw some more buttercups, but nothing else yet. There were lots of green plants growing, but I could not identify them without their flowers. There was lots of promise there anyway. 

We walked along a neglected path by a field, but the situation was the same  there until we were in the civilized world again. Here people didn't have very exciting gardens to look at. Mostly hedges and green shrubbery, there weren't any flowers yet. It was too early in the year for much color. I think I had been expecting too much at the wrong time of the year. 

We finally made it home and I made myself some coffee and gave Tyke a milk bone.  Gandhi was sound asleep on my bed like she had not even missed us. She probably had lots of peace and quiet and appreciated it very much. Tyke was tired from his outing and almost forgot to bother her. She's had a very peaceful afternoon on the sofa. 

I decided that I enjoyed looking for clothes in my closet so much that I wanted to do it again and I picked out a whole new outfit to wear. I's something I hadn't worn yet and I'm equally pleased with it. I also decided that I needed to wear some different earrings, so I changed those too. This all makes my life more interesting. I do like to make it exciting for myself. 

I have to go and walk Tyke one more time. We won't go too far this time. It's very nice outside now and it's tempting to go for a longer walk, but I need to eat and I've got to make some dinner when I get back. Tyke's waiting impatiently. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

No sleep yet...

I tried to sleep, but found it impossible yet and just laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling. I spent an awful lot of time petting Tyke who had settled down on the bed beside me. He was a very happy dog. He chased Gandhi away every time she tried to get on the bed too. She finally managed to make herself small and lie down beside my pillows. Where there's a will, there's a way...

Now that I'm up, of course, I'm yawning something awful and I'm in danger of dislocating my jaw. I have to be very careful of how far I open my mouth. I will have to go back to bed sooner than I thought, but I want to postpone the moment until I'm falling off my chair from sleepiness or until my head hits the keyboard. Teardrops from yawning are running down my face. 

I can spend enough time sleeping because my personal helper isn't going to be here until 11 o'clock tomorrow morning. That gives me ample time to snooze, even if I have to do it in shifts, which doubtlessly I will. I have yet to sleep through the night in one fell swoop. I have asked my psychiatrist to come up with a solution and he promised to try and come up with one by our next appointment, which is next week. 

The Exfactor was here this morning to do the groceries and I have milk in the refrigerator again, much to my relief. I had been using that awful powdered creamer in my coffee and it was just plain bad and took the pleasure out of drinking coffee. I can also drink tall glasses of cold milk again. You don't know what a pleasure that is when you've had to do without for a day. Gandhi also appreciates her bowls of milk. 

I had asked the Exfactor to buy me some ready made salads and he bought me celery salad, crab salad and chicken salad. I can eat little portions of them. He also bought me some creamed soups. Wild mushroom and asparagus. Those ought to be nutritious and filling. Everything I eat has to be ready made or able to be heated up in the microwave. I don't have the proper pots and pans to heat up and cook things in. I also don't want to dirty the stove (the cooker).

It's time to go to bed now. I'm almost falling off my chair. Hopefully I will sleep well now, maybe until morning. We will see. 

It's been a pleasue.

Ciao,

Nora

 

As you were...

It's late at night and I'm sitting here slightly drowsy, but not enough to go to sleep. Actually, I may be too agitated to go to sleep and I may want to enjoy the quiet hours of the night more than lying in bed. I have also been known to have a stubborn streak, because I did lie in bed for about an hour and decided to get up again because I was bored and not patient enough to wait for sleep.

There's nothing worse than lying in bed and staring at the ceiling while you can't fall asleep. I was not serene enough to keep lying there. I petted Tyke to pass the time, but that was boring after a while too. There's only so much attention you can give to a dog before you grow tired of it and want to do something else. I decided to get up and pass the time behind the computer until I was good and tired. 

I watched some entertaining television and went to bed late thinking that would do the job of putting me to sleep soon. Apparently this did not work. I had my head full of impressions and it would have been better if I had sat quietly in my armchair and had read my book. I must remember that for the next time. Television can be a great agitator and it takes a while to get over it. You really need some peace and quiet after you've watched it. 

I passed the time very quietly today and did nothing out of the ordinary. I walked Tyke three times and would have walked him more often, but we ran out of time and daylight. I did walk him after dinner when it was already dark, but that's the latest I take him out and I stick to the most familiar streets. I'm not very brave at night. The later it gets, the less brave I am.

I hardly had any chores to do today and I didn't really go looking for them. I figured that it was Sunday and that I didn't really need to do any. I did the little bit that was necessary and called it quits. I spent some time taking a nap that I had not planned on. It took me by surprise as I thought I had gotten enough sleep the night before. I never know when my unpredictable mind needs more of it. 

I was supposed to have gone to see my sister today, but I never did get around to that, so I had to call and cancel. That's the first time I've done that. I wasn't really looking forward to riding my bike over there with my bum knee and the nap got in the way. I think I was forgiven. There will be another day to go over there. I was feeling very much like hibernating today and not coming out of my cave too much. That's typical for a Sunday, especially if it's a dreary one like it was today.

I do feel like I wasted a large portion of the day doing nothing much of anything, but I'm not going to feel bad about it. I did watch one political program and I do feel that I got better informed because of it, so my mind was fed a little bit. I would watch more of them, but on Sundays it's mostly sports that are on during the day. I am getting quite informed about them. I can even stand the post-discussions about the various football games, as long as they have intelligent people doing them. I don't like a lot of hype and excitement. 

For a single, middle aged woman, I watch a lot of football. I don't know if I would watch as much football if I were attached to a man person. I enjoy watching it on my own and providing my own commentary about the different plays and penalties and discussions about schwalbes. I haven't picked a team that I'm especially a fan of, though I seem to root for the underdog a lot. I also don't have a favorite player yet. I will be following what the national team is doing closely. 

I have to mentally prepare myself for tomorrow when the personal helper and the domestic help will be here. They will help me pass the time of day, so that will be good. They're good for a diversion. My personal helper is good to talk to and we usually find some subjects to discuss. I do lose a bit of my privacy, but that's a small price to pay for the company and a clean apartment. The domestic help always stays and talks too. She tells me about her boys and I always have tears of laughter when she tells me about their shenanigans. They are quite a handful. 

I will end this post because it's gotten quite long enough. I can sit here and ramble on all night long, but there comes a time to stop. I'm not quite sleepy enough yet to go to bed, so I'll have to amuse myself a while longer. No doubt I'll find a way.

Sleep tight and have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

It takes a while...

It's taken me four cups of coffee to become somewhat cohesive, but even now I could go back to bed and immediately fall asleep again. I will do so shortly when I'm done being a stubborn woman. I can only sit here with my eyes falling shut for so long.

There's no evidence this morning of the cold I was developing yesterday.  I took an aspirin with codeine for the symptoms during the night and that seems to have taken care of it. I feel a lot better at any rate. 

Since I have no personal helper coming here anymore on Wednesdays early in the morning, I can do as I please and take it easy. I don't have to be dressed and ready in a short time. I'm relieved about this and glad that I can schedule my morning as I see fit. The rest of the day is mine to do with as I wish too. 

I just took my medicines and should be feeling fit as a fiddle in no time.What little I take does still does its job, of course. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow when we will assess how everything is going and make a decision about the next reduction. 

I thought I was feeling mentally low yesterday, but it was really due to the cold that I was developing. I was not feeling well physically. I notice the difference between today and yesterday now that I'm feeling physically better.

I'm having a glass of cold milk now. It's settling in my stomach very well. It's always the most soothing thing I can drink. I think that's why I'm so hooked on it and it is filling too. I love it first thing in the morning after I've had my coffee to wake up with. 

I'm going back to bed now and sleep for a few more hours. It will be a true pleasure. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

By Moonlight...

Four hours of sleep is not a lot, but that's all I've had so far. This means that I will have to go back to bed later and sleep some more, but I can't sleep late, because my Belgian personal helper is coming at eleven o'clock this morning. I also still have to clean up the kitchen, which is a bit of a mess. I'm not about to let her see how much of a mess it is, so I do have to get it organized. I suppose I'll do that before I go back to bed.

If I'm going to do that, I may as well stay up and take a shower and get that out of the way and get dressed and when I get to that point, I may as well forget about going to sleep again. I may take a short nap on the sofa, but that will be it. 

I've got no one to blame for it but myself, as I could have cleaned up the kitchen this weekend, but was too preoccupied. I was having too good a time to do it and I do like putting things off until the last minute, feeling that I'm better able to do them then. I work well under the pressure of time. It motivates me. 

I was in an excellent mood yesterday, despite the fact that it was the second day that I had so radically reduced my medicines. It didn't seem to bother me at all, after I thought that it had on Saturday. That must have been a figment of my imagination. I feel better than I have in a long time and it is noticeable in my whole demeanor. Even I can observe myself and see that I function better. I'm not a slow slug anymore.

As Sundays go, it was a good day. I never have very high expectations of that day, so anything that goes well is icing on the cake. It was a sunshiny day and not too cold and it was a pleasure to take Tyke out in my not so heavy leather jacket and winter scarf. We walked a little bit of a different route and Tyke had many opportunities to be very macho and assert himself with typical young male dog behavior. It included a lot of general growling and posing. He does have a busy life once he gets outside. It's a lot of fun to watch him. 

I visited my sister and her friend in the afternoon and rode my bike over there. It is finally possible to ride my bike again, but I do notice that I'm a little bit out of shape after not riding it all that time that there was snow and ice. I have to build up my stamina again. My sister's friend had gone to the bakery in the morning and had gotten delicious cakes, one of which was almost solid chocolate, a slice of which I had with a cafe latte and it was truly decadent. The coffee was not bad either and packed a real punch, just the way I like it. 

We had a nice time speaking in our best possible English, interspersed with Italian when the conversation got stuck and I'm now to the point that I'm even starting to get the drift of that. My sister is in her third year of Italian lessons and will do three more years.

When I got home, the critters where waiting for me and I had to abundantly greet them, though I had the feeling that they both had been asleep the whole time I had been away.  I made sure that Gandhi got equal attention after Tyke hogged all of his. That's best done when she hops on the kitchen counter and I can pet her there, away from him. Of course, they had to be fed and ate their food with great appetite. Tyke always acts like I starve him. He's an eating machine.

It was good to sit down in my armchair and smoke a cigarette and contemplate my navel for a while. I hadn't done so all day. Some solitude is nice. I could be a Buddhist on a part time basis. I'm not disciplined enough to be one full time. Besides, I don't think they're allowed to smoke.

I don't remember what I watched on television. That's how little impression it made on me. I went to bed early and listened to the radio. It's a little bit colder at night now and it felt great to get under the duvet. I have to make sure that I get enough of it, because Tyke gets on the bed and pulls it away from me. Gandhi gets on the bed too, but sleeps beside my pillows very ladylike. 

The subject on the radio was North Korea and how the government there opens restaurants all over the world named Pyongyang, which really maybe spy safe houses and places to whitewash false hundred dollar bills. How true this is I don't know. It's all a hypothesis. The food is supposed to be very good. There's supposed to be one restaurant in Amsterdam. 

With that intriguing bit of information I'm going to leave you. I think I will take a shower.  I still have my head on straight, so now is as good a time as ever.

Have a great day!

Ciao,

Nora

 

An early morning tale...

I am sat here with my usual cup of coffee and I find myself quite contend. I feel that there's not much that can go wrong now this early in the morning before the day has properly started. I'm still yawning a little bit, but another cup of coffee will take care of that. It's nice to be up and sit here and enjoy the early hours of the day. All is quiet around me and the animals are asleep. 

I feel like minor royalty in her realm, as if I'm the head of a very small state in which only I rule. All my subjects are sound asleep and all is well with the state of affairs. Oh no, I don't have visions of grandeur. Only the need to have peace and quiet in my life.  What better way to achieve that than to be in charge. It's only a very small kingdom I rule. 

My Wednesday personal helper is going to be here this morning and I must take a shower before she gets here. It will be nice to get that out of the way and to be clean and refreshed. I will have to put on some clean clothes and I will have to magically make an outfit appear out of the closet. No doubt I am capable of that. I always manage to come up with something.

In about an hour and a half I will take my medicines. I've cut my anti-psychotics down by half and starting this Friday, I will have cut down my anti-depressives by a third. My psychiatrist thinks this is doable. We're going to keep me at these doses for a while and see how I do on them before we make any more changes. We're going to cut down the anti-depressives more before we do anything else with the anti-psychotics. I feel good so far and I have a lot more energy. I'm not so sleepy and lethargic during the day.

Since today is Wednesday, I don't have an awful lot to do. It will be a fairly quiet day, but those are welcome too. It turned out that I did have a load of laundry to do, as I pulled some clothes out of my closet that needed washing. I'm going to change the sheets on my bed and that will make going to bed tonight an extra pleasure, although it always is. That's one thing I look forward to every night. Going to bed and listening to the radio while I fall asleep.

Maybe today I will get a chance to sit down and read my book, something that I've found impossible to do lately. I've felt that I've been too distracted to give it the proper attention. Since I've stopped reading in bed at night, I've found it hard to sit down in my armchair during the day and do it. Something is always pulling my attention away from it, if not my own thoughts that meander all over the place, but nowhere important. It's a very good book filled with interesting details and really requires me to sit down and give it my full attention, which is something I can't seem to do now, but I'm going to give it  a try today. 

My bookcase is filled with good books that I still need to read if I ever get around to them. I end up sitting in my chair and daydreaming about nothing in particular at all. None of my thoughts are very deep and heavy and I'm not solving any of the world's problems. I just let my mind wander and touch down here and there like a butterfly flitting from flower to flower. It's the most uncomplicated way to spend time. I'm glad I'm relieved of thinking depressing thoughts that weigh down heavily on my shoulders. That's all behind me now. I've passed that stage. 

Well, I'm going to read some blogs until it's time to make my move. The day is young yet. The sun won't be up for awhile. I'm switching to cold milk. I've had enough coffee. I'm very thirsty and it will be most welcome. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

Being absolutely absorbed...

I've moved the radio/CD player from the bedroom to the living room and I'm listening to my music at random. Just picking out CDs that look interesting and that I haven't listened to in a long time. I'm not being too picky. I just listened to The Doors and now I'm listening to Queen. 

It's been very enjoyable so far. These are CDs that don't have too many memories attached to them for me and I can listen to them easily without much tugging at my heart strings. I have a lot of Cds that do and I think I'd rather not listen to them, so I'm avoiding them. I guess I do have some selection process. It's not completely random.

I spent all afternoon and the early part of the evening yawning and two hours taking a nap. I was feeling very sleepy, but I've gotten over it now. I'm perky again after two cups of coffee. That's what it took. I don't know why I get these attacks of sleepiness. 

I don't want to go to bed too early, because I want to have another good night's sleep like I did last night. I'm postponing bedtime as long as possible. I will get my pajamas on shortly, because it is so cozy to sit here in my bathrobe. That's the most comfortable outfit to spend the evening in.

I shouldn't have said that I was feeling perky, because I've started yawning again. I guess I'm doomed to do that tonight. I wonder if it has something to do with writing blog posts? I was doing that earlier too. No, it couldn't possibly. I probably just need more sleep than I've gotten so far. One good night's sleep doesn't cure everything. It's going to take a few nights' worth. 

I'll just have to get some decent amounts of sleep. Going to sleep and waking up in the middle of the night is not a good system. Even if I do go back to sleep early in the morning. I'm going to try not to do that tonight, just like I didn't last night.

I have to sleep until a decent time in the morning, because my personal helper is going to be here at 8:30 am. If I can wake up before that time and make coffee it would be perfect. I do want to be functioning up to some point. I don't want to be comatose. I can be very perky when I wake up and be in a good mood right away. Sometimes it doesn't quite work out and I need a little bit of time. 

I still have to find a battery for my alarm clock. I forgot to ask the Exfactor to buy some for me when he went to the grocery store. I think I may know where there is a one. I will have to go look there in a minute. I did remember to have him buy lighters for me, I thought that was very smart of me. I forget to write things down on the white board in the kitchen. That's too easy. God forbid I should do something as simple as that. 

I should end this now and get my pajamas on. I'll also see what's on television. My CD has ended.

Have a nice evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Some of everything...

There was icy rain last night when I went to bed, but it has since turned to snow and there's a new layer of it on top of what was left of the old one. It's going to snow today and tonight and tomorrow too, so we will have a white Christmas. That doesn't happen very often, so I guess we should be happy about that, because of that song that says that we're always dreaming of it. Just like the ones we used to know. Even back then people were nostalgic for white Christmases. Well, we are having one, so that takes care of that.

Because it's been too long since I've had my hair cut, I get to go to the hairdresser this morning. I can't wait to go and get a decent haircut. It's more than high time. I called for an appointment yesterday afternoon and they were kind enough to squeeze me in, even though they were pretty much booked full. I think it helped that I've been a steady customer for such a long time. Cutting my hair doesn't take such a long time, so it can be done somewhat easily in between everything else. I do appreciate that. 

You all know that I love going to the hairdresser and getting my hair washed and fussed over. I like nothing better than sitting there and watching the girl shape my hair with the scissors. I'm never in any fear of it being ruined, as long as she follows my instructions. You must never be afraid to speak up. That's what's so good about always going to the same hairdresser. You aren't shy when you want to put your two cents worth in. 

Yesterday, I received a large box with a Christmas care package in it. There were all sorts of wonderful and practical foods in it. I found out that I had gotten it from the Green Cross through the mediation of my Wednesday personal helper. She got to pick out some clients who she thought were deserving of a useful surprise and had picked me amongst them. It was a true cornucopia. 

The Exfactor was here when it arrived and we looked through it together, which gave me the opportunity to give him the things that were made of meat, such as the large salami. I would never eat that. I saved the can of knackwursts for Tyke. There were enough foods in there that I can use, though, including a big piece of cheese and a package of coffee. I can't tell you how happy I was with it. It really was a big surprise. 

Last night, I left my mobile phone sitting on the small table next to my armchair and you can all guess what Tyke did with it, right? He chewed on it to the point that it isn't working anymore. Now nobody can call me, because I don't have my land line anymore. Luckily, the Exfactor has another mobile phone that he can let me use and he is going to bring it by on Friday. I will be able to stick my memory card in it and have it work, hopefully. Unless it is ruined also. That darn dog! And the Exfactor had just bought him new rawhide bones and he had one available that he had been chewing on. Grrr...

It's going to be colder for the next several days and I think I'm going to need to wear a warmer cardigan than the one I've been wearing. It will be a great opportunity to wear my red one, which is my favorite one. All my clothes are starting to smell like the new perfume I'm wearing and it is very pleasant, until I wash them. My scarves all have that scent. I've just found out that this discount store where the Exfactor bought it, also sells Gloria Vanderbilt perfume very cheaply, so I may want to get a bottle of that and alternate scents on different days. 

Well, it's been a mixed bag of news. Some good and some not so good, the former outweighing the latter.  I think I'll get dressed now and get ready for the rest of the day. I've got to find a battery for my alarm clock. It's stopped working and continually points to 5 o'clock. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora 

On my way to bed...

If I write that I'm on my way to bed, I'll feel that there is a reward for me waiting at the end of this post. What I really should do, is put on my pajamas and bathrobe now and really be ready for bed. I still may do that after I've finished my cup of coffee. I'm awfully tired at the end of this day and look forward to going to sleep. I can't wait to get under the duvet and put my head down on my pillows and fall asleep by the sound of the radio.

It all started off this morning with me picking out the clothes I was going to wear. I had some idea before I looked into the closet and did end up picking out that outfit, which consisted of two pairs of legging, a black long sleeved stretch T-shirt and a black and white tunic. The top pair of leggings was black also and I needed two pairs to keep me warm. 

I took a shower then and shivered, because I can't get the thermos faucet hot enough, no matter how hard I turn it, and washed my hair. I quickly dried myself off with Tyke's help (he likes to lick the water of my lower legs) and got into my clothes as fast as I could and doused myself with perfume.

Then I did chores and waited for my personal helper to get here, which she did a half hour early, on foot, bundled up against the cold, trying not to break her neck on the ice that was in the streets and on the sidewalks. So we had a hot cup of coffee first before we put our brave boots on and went and took Tyke for a much needed walk. Tyke was very happy and eager to go when he saw me put my boots on. He was sitting pretty while I put his leash on and was ready by the front door before I even had my gloves on. We walked very carefully and moved to the grass as soon as we could, because there things were soft and crunchy. We sank into the icy patches.

When we came home, I talked about all the things I was so nervous about and that were worrying.me, which were just the ordinary every day details of the life of a human being who functions in the world, but which I find very difficult. It's why I have to take tranquilizers. This personal helper, whom I'll call my Belgian personal helper, is very good to talk to and gives me lots of good feedback and I always feel better after I've talked about these details of ordinary life. It's like she holds up a mirror in which I see myself and my problems and things seem less complicated. 

She suggested that she comes more often than once a week and starting next week she will be here on Thursday mornings as well. I'm very grateful for that and can't believe my luck. The other personal helper will come on Wednesday mornings, so I will have someone three times a week. I can discuss all my problems with them. Whatever sort of trouble I run into I can discuss with them and they will help me. If that isn't a very good deal, I don't know what is. 

Soon after she left, the domestic help got here and cleaned up the apartment very nicely and it is such a joy to have the place look spic and span. I never have to be embarrassed about having anyone over here, because it always looks good in here. 

Because it was my sister's birthday today, she came and picked me up and took me to her house for coffee and pie. Her Italian friend was there and he had bought her a dishwasher and was finishing installing it. It looked very good when it was done and worked like a charm. He's a very handy man to have around the house. We had delicious pie and I would have liked to have eaten two pieces, but alas... the gastric band! Because I can't speak Italian like they do and I didn't want to speak English, I went on strike and spoke French. I thought about speaking German, but my German is rusty. 

I finally made it home after six where my loyal animals were waiting for me and needed lots of cuddling and food. And then I was tired, because it had been an eventful day for me. I normally don't have such busy days. Tomorrow the Exfactor is coming in the morning to do the groceries and in the afternoon I have an appointment with my SPN. I need a good night's sleep and that's what I'm going to get right now. I'm going to put my pajamas on. 

Have a good night!

Ciao,

Nora

Snow!

It's been snowing for about four hours and we have several centimeters of it. So far it's still pretty and Tyke and I have already been out in it. We got a dusting of it all over ourselves. I was smart enough to wear my snow hat and it didn't mess up my hair too much. Tyke enjoyed it in the snow. I knew he would. He's that kind of dog, but I think all dogs like snow. They are like kids and like the adventure of it. It's going to keep snowing tonight and during the night. It's going to be cold.

I had a productive day today anyway. I got chores done in the morning and took a shower and found some nice clothes to wear. I discovered a top that I had forgotten the existence of. Isn't it nice if you are forgetful? It made me think of another top I had forgotten the existence of. Then I rediscovered some ankle boots that were very dusty, so I cleaned them up and put them on and took Tyke for a walk. 

I made phone calls that were necessary and checked my bank account and discovered a little surprise, which made me happy, and tried to figure out a way to get 10 detailed and descriptive bills from the Internet company, but I'm still working on that. I may not be successful with them, because I have an All in One Package and pay a flat rate. 

When my personal helper got here, I already had a lot of things done and I was ready to sit down and have a cup of coffee and a good chat, which I don't think she minded. We did do the dishes and I broke the handle of one of my favorite mugs. I will see if I'm able to glue it back on. I hope I have the right glue. I don't want the handle to come unstuck when the mug is filled with hot chocolate. 

Right after she left, the Exfactor showed up, but he was unable to fix my tire, because he didn't bring the right tools to take my chain guard off. Apparently, my screwdrivers were too short, so he's coming back tomorrow. That's when he'll do the groceries too, because he was unable to do them without the use of my bike. Luckily, I have just enough milk left to last until the morning. Actually, I think he was too tired and in no shape to do the job. It's better if he does it tomorrow when he's better rested. 

In the meantime, my domestic help had shown up and as a treat to me she completely cleaned up my whole patio of all the leaves that had covered it and she got it done in half the time it would have taken me. It had been a job that the prospect of was going to give me ulcers. I fretted about it so much and the longer I put it off, the worse it got and now, just on time, she got it done before the snow started to fall. I do feel like I have guardian angels in my life. 

She does stay and visit now when she's done with her work and we talk about  ordinary every day things and get to know each other. I'm old enough to be her mother and she says 'thee' to me. I like people addressing me that way. It's a sign of respect and I appreciate it. I do reciprocate by being respectful to her too. 

After she left, I walked Tyke in the snow and when I came home I discovered that I had no Internet connection, which I tried to remedy by taking the cable out of the modem for 5 minutes like they recommend, but I did that five times and I still had no connection, so I called technical help. The woman there told me to check my Internet connection at the hard drive and I did and voila, I was on line again. Apparently Tyke had pulled loose the cable when he chased his ball. I must remember to check that, because I think this has happened to me before. I bet I'll forget it again the next time.

The delivery boy from the pharmacy was just at the door and he brought so much cold with him that now I am cold and he was standing in the relatively warm stairwell. It's 28F but it feels like 22F. I will take Tyke out. It's not snowing too badly now.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora