A quiet morning...

Tyke and Gandhi are lying side by side on the sofa, sleeping as if they are twins and inseparable. They've been especially close since Toby is gone. That is one difference that I have noticed. Gandhi seeks out Tyke's company and follows him wherever he goes, even if he pesters her, which he is sometimes in the mood to do. He wants to remind her regularly that he's the dominant presence around here.

Well, he thinks so. There is me, of course, and I'm more dominant than him. We all do have our rank of importance and I'm the top dog. I aim to keep it that way, even though he now is a grown up dog. He was 17 months old yesterday and not quite a puppy anymore, although he has the enthusiasm of one. His happiness knows no bounds and his silliness is ever present. He's got a large sense of humor and the energy of a two year old child.

So we are a little three unit family now and all get into bed together at night. They want to share my glass of milk too and I have to guard it with my life. I'm glad for the company, as long as they settle down and don't roughhouse on top of the duvet. I do seem to get in the way of them now and then and have to save myself from being trampled on.

Yesterday afternoon I went to see my sister. She and her boyfriend had just gotten back from a city trip to Stockholm and I wanted to know all about it, not ever having been there myself. They had lots of photos and stories and it sounded like a place I want to go to. Everybody speaks very good English there, including the taxi drivers, and people are very polite and helpful. And, they said, the city was very clean and not at all full of traffic and junk as Amsterdam is.

I had a beer and a cigarette out on the patio, even though the weather wasn't all that great, and then helped my sister pick out the paintings to hang up in her living room. Less is more. What was left over went to the attic.

I borrowed the Italian textbooks from her and can already see that it's going to be a hard job to learn Italian from them, because these are meant to be used in a classroom setting. I may have to order a different kind of textbook that I can use on my own or I'm going to be thrown in the deep end without any help. I'll have to see what I can find at Bol.com.

On the way home on my bike, I got caught in a rain shower and got soaking wet. I rubbed myself dry with a towel when I got home and because of the hairspray, my hair dried in spikes, which was a fun look. It was something different anyway. Tyke licked my face dry when I came in and greeted him. I'm convinced this is good for my skin.

I went to bed awfully early and had wanted to go even earlier, but postponed the moment until a not so ridiculous time. I read my thriller and fell asleep with it and woke up some time during the night to use the toilet and turn off the light. I do, at least, go back to sleep. There's no staying up in the middle of the night to sit behind the computer. I seem to have enough sense lately not to do that. I hope to remain sensible enough to keep that habit going. It's so much better to wake up in the morning well rested and wide awake at a sensible hour.

It's supposed to be a cold rainy day today and I will have to dress accordingly. That means long sleeves and a jacket when I go out. I will wear one of my summer shawls and forsake my necklace. It's fun to dress up, so I'm not complaining. I just don't want to get wet again.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,
Nora

Decisions...

The final decision about Toby was made yesterday. It was a tough one to make and although I was quite sad about it initially, I was relieved this morning that I didn't have to care for and feed his helpless body, which I could have gone on doing indefinitely. That means that I have peace with the decision and that I can live with it. Our little household is back to normal now and the litter box has been cleaned up and put away. Gandhi very casually walks around the apartment and Tyke has stopped obsessively sticking his nose in the paper box where Toby was constantly sleeping. All is well with the world and we are okay. Life continues as before.

The clothes I had ordered got here yesterday late in the afternoon and I tried all of them on immediately. Some of the things fit perfectly, but others didn't at all regardless of the size I had ordered them in, so I repackaged them and arranged for them to be picked up today. There's a lesson to be learned from this and that is that there's a difference in sizing in the different brands and that it is better to stick to the brand that you know well and that you are sure about the size of.

The harem pants that I ordered turned out to be great and I really like them and they fit well. The top that I got to go with it fit well too and it makes for a nice outfit. So I was pleased about that. I'm going to wear it today after I've had my shower this morning. It's so nice to wear clothes that you are happy about and it does wonders for your self esteem. You feel yourself get taller and skinnier, although that is just an illusion, of course. It's very pleasant, nevertheless.

I talked to my SPN about taking everything so seriously and not having enough of a sense of humor and it is really not only because of the fact that Toby was dying. It is a general attitude that I have and that is starting to bother me very much and that I want to get rid of.

We traced it back to a large sense of disillusionment that I carry with me, which prevents me very often from being spontaneously happy. It makes me analyze every situation I find myself in instead of honestly reacting to it with my feelings. I'm afraid to show my feelings and be spontaneous because I'm afraid of being hurt. Being spontaneous and reacting to a situation with your feelings means not hiding behind your walls and exposing yourself. Being vulnerable. And I'm afraid to be it.

I'm now going to practice letting down my guard. Not everywhere and with every person, but when I think it is safe and there are enough situations when it is. I have to practice spontaneity and being open and looking people in the eyes and being present and approachable. It will be a conscious effort that I have to make. Practice makes perfect.

I look forward to going to bed so very much in the evening. I can't wait for it to be a decent enough time to go to sleep and very often it is very early. I decamp with my book and a glass of milk and make myself cozy. I can't stand the thought of staying up any longer and I just hope that nobody calls me once I'm in bed because I won't answer the phone. I slept 8 hours last night, but I'm sure there will be a nap some time later today.

I finished "Careless in Red" and will now start "The Girl Who Played With Fire." I was going to last night, but fell asleep before I could. I hope it is as good as the first book in the series, which I read without reading glasses and had a heck of a time finishing. Now that I have my reading glasses I have a much easier time getting through a book. The Inspector Linley one turned out to be much better than I initially thought it was going to be. At the beginning I didn't enjoy reading it very much and I thought about giving up on it, but tenaciousness kept me at it. I'm glad it did because it turned out to be quite interesting and a satisfying read.

Well, I have to start the morning ritual. It's that time again. First I'll take a nice warm shower because I'm cold. The mornings have been colder lately. We're supposed to have some rain today, but we'll see if that materializes. It will be nice if it does. We still need it.

Have a good day you all.

Ciao,
Nora

Wishful thinking...

Although I wished it very much, I came to realize yesterday that Toby was not at all better. I had put Tyke outside so he would not bother us, and put Toby down in middle of the kitchen floor where he proceeded to fall over and make his stumbling way back to the paper box with much effort. It was painful to see and rather discouraging. He's been in the paper box ever since, except for one clumsy visit to the litter box. So the news is not good.

I thought the Exfactor was going to be here yesterday to take Toby to the vet, but I had misunderstood him and he is going to be here today, which gave Toby a reprieve of one day and me the opportunity to observe him a while longer. I've observed him all I can now and I can only come to one conclusion and that is that he needs to be put out of his misery. I can't keep postponing this. It is selfish if I do.

Anyway, I'm in an undetermined mood and I don't know what to make of it. I hope it is related to Toby's condition and it's outcome and that I'm not about to slide down the slippery slope. I'm not exactly elated right now, but I'm not really depressed either. I'm a little on the morose side and in order to compensate for that, I've ordered more new clothes that I can actually not afford, but thought were necessary to my wardrobe anyway.

I liked my harem pants so much that I've ordered another pair, but in a slightly different style and in a different color. They are very comfortable to wear and I've been enjoying the ones I just bought. They match up with a variety of tops and I can wear them in colder weather too with leggings underneath them.

I ordered some T-shirts with large print on them to go with them and I think I will look rather cool. I did not consider if they were age appropriate, considering myself ageless.

I ordered a summer top and two summer dresses on sale that I can wear with leggings and long sleeve stretch T-shirts underneath when it gets colder. Of course, I can also wear my long sleeved black bolero over them and my short sleeved long black cardigan.

I suppose I get the need for new clothes when I need to make myself feel better and to brighten my day. I'm also more aware of what's in my closet now that I've cleaned it out and I see what is missing from it and what I don't wear anymore and what doesn't really fit of what's left in there. I do get picky about my clothes and I do love my favorite clothes so very much.

There seem to be times of the year when I love new clothes more than other times. I'm already thinking about the fall and the clothes that I will wear then, although I'm not remotely thinking about the winter yet and will not for a while. I will postpone any thoughts of it until the first freeze, probably, although I have already bought that fabulous new scarf for 5 euros. That was a give away. It's so long that I can wrap it around my neck twice. That's my early acknowledgment

to winter.

It's early in the morning and I've been up for hours. Yesterday morning I cleaned up the kitchen and swept the floors. I took a nap on the sofa afterwards. It was very pleasant as I had the TV on for company and would wake up every once in a while to the latest news.

I have to go see my SPN this morning and I'm going to ask her where my sense of humor has gone. I seem to take everything so seriously and don't see the humor in anything. I don't even laugh when I hear a joke. I over analyze everything, even jokes. I get tired of it myself.

Have a good day,

Ciao,
Nora

Somehow...

While Tyke and I were asleep tonight, Toby managed to drag himself from the kitchen to the spare bedroom and installed himself in the shoe box that sits in a dark corner next to the closet. I don't know what this means, except that he seems to need more privacy than he was getting in the paper box in the kitchen. I don't know how he made the journey there, but it must have been difficult. He did not react when I found him, but went right on sleeping and I didn't disturb him. I will see how he is in the morning when I move him back to the paper box for food and water. The little guy has determination, that's for sure.

Tyke and I went to sleep on time as I was completely wiped out early in the evening. All I wanted to do was go to bed with my book, so that's what I did. I'm nearing the end of "Careless in Red" and things are getting exciting and fast paced.This did not stop me from falling asleep quickly, although it meant that I also woke up several hours later, wide awake again, and Tyke was ready to go out back and do a piddle. I stood by the back door in the cool night air and let myself get cold and that felt great. I'm constantly seeking coolness and few clothes and the cool night air is best for it. I would like to get so cold that I shiver, but that has been impossible.

Since it was Sunday, I decided it was my day of rest and I allowed myself to have a lazy day in which I only took care of the animals and ignored almost everything else. I do so appreciate the traditional day of rest that's still honored here and I do it justice. I really make it a holiday for myself without having feelings of guilt because I'm not actively doing all sorts of things. It's a day meant for pleasure in whichever form you can find it and whatever way is the most relaxing, but you aren't supposed to exert yourself with the usual dull and taxing jobs.

Since my harem pants were a little wide around the waste, and they had a tendency to sag, I put new elastic in them and made them tighter, so now they stay up really well and they look better when I wear them. That was a fun and satisfying job to do. I still have to take in the bust lines of two new dresses that I bought a little bit too big. It will be an easy job to do. I was more worried about buying them too small, as I had never bought this brand of clothes before and didn't know how their sizes ran. I could have gone for the smaller size and I will know that the next time I order their clothes.

While I was very wrapped up just now doing something on another website, Toby made his way back to the kitchen and used the litter box. I missed all of this, but did catch him on time to give him water and food. It may be my imagination, but I think he is doing a little bit better. He seems to be less unstable, which makes me think that I may postpone my decision. I will have to observe him walking around and I will put Tyke out of the room and get Toby to move around a bit and see how he does. I'm almost afraid to hope it is so, but I must believe in it somehow. I can nurse him a while longer if I have to. There's no reason why I shouldn't wait a few days if I think he's really doing better, unless I'm fooling myself.

I'm not going to bed for the rest of the night, but I'm going to clean up the kitchen instead and sweep the floors. The domestic help can't vacuum the living room and the kitchen with Toby lying in the paper box. He would go into a panic at the sound of the vacuum cleaner.

The Exfactor is coming by today to check on him and he'll be ready to take him to the vet if it is necessary, but I'm not sure now. He can go to the store for me and buy new cat litter for the litter box instead.

It's very cozy sitting here having my glass of milk and cigarette. Tyke is asleep on the coffee table. He's a decorating element just like an art book or a good sized sculpture. When it comes to what to place on the coffee table, I always have to take him into account. He spreads himself out completely. Luckily, it is a large table and there is room for a cup of coffee and an ashtray and a book. I don't get completely crowded out.

I must read some blogs before I get busy. Have a lovely day.

Ciao,

Nora

Early Sunday Morning...

My sister moved to her new house on Friday and for two afternoons in a row I have been over there making myself a little bit useful, although most of the work had been done by the movers and a large group of her friends who had all showed up early in the day to help her out.

My sister had moved to a brand new house in which everything had yet to be done. The painting, the floors, the window treatments. the garden and the patio, the fencing and the pathway to the back gate. She got most of this done except for the planting. The dirt needs to be prepared and the top layer of soil needs to be removed as it is all waterlogged clay and not good for anything you want to grow there.

She's had to downsize, coming from a large sized house to a smaller sized one and she got rid of a lot of things ahead of time. Now everything fits down to the millimeter in the shed and comfortably in the rooms.

My help consisted mainly of supervising and thinking of good ideas while I sat at the patio table with a beer and a cigarette, doing the occasional job when called for. Unless I can get in there and do all the work myself, I supervise.

I have to ride my bike to her house now, but it isn't too far and I can get there in less than ten minutes. It maybe only takes me a little over five minutes, but I would have to time it.

Because my sister's boyfriend was there, we spoke three languages again and sometimes it was quite funny and I got addressed in Italian and even responded correctly to it. I'm thinking of learning to speak Italian and I can use my sister's text books. It will be a new challenge to my mind. With my knowledge of French, it shouldn't be too difficult. Ha, ha!

I couldn't be gone too long, though, because I didn't want to leave Toby on his own for such a long time. The first thing I did when I came home was give him food and water, which he was more than ready for. Then he wanted to be petted and almost unsuccessfully use the litter box in his own clumsy way. I have to keep Tyke away from him, because Tyke thinks everything is interesting that Toby does.

Much as I would like to, I see no improvement in Toby, except that he's learning to deal better with his handicap and tries harder to compensate for it. He falls off the litter box quite a few times, but gets back on it until he gets it right. Eating and drinking are going quite well now as we have a good system. He hardly has to move to do it. It will be a tough decision to make on Monday.

Gandhi absolutely avoids him and does not even get near him. She gives him a wide berth. Tyke, on the other hand, is always sticking his nose right into the box to see how Toby is doing. I think Gandhi likes being the only functioning cat now. She doesn't constantly have to worry about her place in the hierarchy. Toby did have a way of reminding her of that and he always made sure that she knew he was the top cat. That is no longer so and things have shifted. Maybe Gandhi was meant to be an only cat. She's especially close to Tyke now, sleeping in the same places where he is and actively seeking him out.

I have gotten the new clothes I had ordered in the meantime and I'm much pleased with them. I especially like the harem pants as they are comfortable to wear and they look quite funky. I've got some ankle boots to go with them and they make the outfit complete with a sleeveless tunic over it. It is black with flowers in a red and green print and the pants are olive green.

I've also got a burgundy red India cotton dress with pockets on the skirt that I wear with leggings. It is sleeveless as well and perfect for this weather. The pockets are handy and allow me to go places without my purse. I can put my keys and my mobile phone in them.

I had ordered a long sleeved bolero a few months ago and it was too tight, but I put it on yesterday and it fit very well, much to my pleasure. I must have lost weight, although I did not go on the bathroom scale to find out. I'll let my clothes speak for themselves. I lost at least one size at the top and I have flabby arms as a result.

We've regularly had rain for the past week or so. It's been very pleasant and the temperatures have not been high. It's been bearable weather. Cloudy with sunshine and a shower now and then. That's my kind of summer. The heatwave is over. I hope one doesn't happen again.

My sister gave me some English language books. One of them was "The Girl Who Played With Fire" by Stieg Larsson. That was the book that I wanted to order after I had read the first one in the series. Luckily, I hadn't yet and got sidetracked by the Inspector Linely thrillers. So, when I'm done with "Careless in Red, " I'll have my next book ready to read. How lucky can you get?

I've got to take my medicines now and take the dog for an early morning walk and then probably go back to bed. It will be pleasant to sleep some more. I'm more than ready to get under the covers again.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,
Nora

Saturday morning...

Toby is not at all better, but considering the circumstances, he is doing as well as can be expected. He is still lying in the paper box on an old towel and the litter box is right beside it. He manages to use it as long as I clean it right away. He balances precariously on it and a lot of times he falls over, but he tries his best anyway.

He lets me know when he is thirsty or hungry and I bring the food and water to him. He has to keep himself from toppling over while he eats and drinks. He is more hydrated now and his coat looks better, but he's still not grooming himself and all he does basically is sleep.

I don't know if he's in any pain, though I assume he is, because he's very uncomfortable when he's not in the paper box for some reason. It's his refuge. He moans when he's not in it. I think it's inevitable that he's put out of his misery on Monday, although it is a hard decision to make and I could go on indefinitely this way with him. It's not fair to him, though, and would only serve to spare my feelings.

Ciao,
Nora

Update on Toby...

My cat Toby suddenly developed neurological problems that quickly went from bad to worse. He is unable to walk without falling over or to stand up. He can't eat or drink unaided and spends all of his time lying in the recyclable paper box. He doesn't groom himself and has lost a lot of weight.

The Exfactor took him to the vet and the vet said that an infection might be the cause, although there were no obvious signs of one and he is not running a fever. He gave him an antibiotic shot and we will know within 48 hours if it works. The vet is afraid, though, that Toby has permanent brain damage and that he will have to be put to sleep.

Toby is nine years old and I suppose he is old enough to develop problems. Still, you don't really expect them and not out of the blue.

I try to make him as comfortable as possible and get him to drink water and eat whenever he shows the least bit of interest. I constantly have him in view from my perch at the computer and on the sofa. Tyke goes and checks on him regularly. He definitely knows that something is really wrong.

I feel like I'm nursing a sick family member and am afraid to leave him on his own, because he tries to move about but is so incapable. He falls over every time he tries to get up and falls out of the box. He can't get the water and food on his own, I have to anticipate all of that. I also have to put him on the litter box.

That's how the situation is now. Maybe there will be improvement soon. You never know. Antibiotics have been known to do miracles. That's what I'm counting on.

Ciao,
Nora

Toby...

Toby is lying in the used paper box. I think he is dying and the Exfactor is taking him to the vet today. He is quickly getting worse and losing his faculties. I won't go into a descriptive tale of his disabilities because it makes me sad, but he suddenly became very ill. He'll probably have to be put to sleep. He's only able to drink some water with a lot of support.

That kind of puts a damper on things, doesn't it? It's hard to be cheerful when you have that on your mind.

I've just put a thick towel beneath him and got him to eat a small bowl of kibbles. Maybe there is a slight improvement? I dare not hope for one. He seems more comfortable. Maybe I can nurse him back to good health.

Anyway, this was just a sign of life, to let you know I'm still here, but preoccupied. I'll write more later today.

Ciao,
Nora

Later in the day...

Very early in the morning I took a shower and fixed my hair into a punk style hairdo with a lot of hairspray. I picked out my clothes for the day. Several layers to be nice and warm and one of them was the long sleeved flowered dress that I hadn't worn for a long time. It fit me great and I wore a black sweater over it with a very low cut V-neck so the dress showed up well.

It was a good thing I wore several layers and my leather jacket, because when I took Tyke out at 6 am for his walk, it was cold outside and my scarf was not a luxury item. We made a longer walk and enjoyed the peace and quiet of the early morning. Hardly anyone was out there but a little traffic and some newspaper delivery people. We didn't meet one other dog and his owner.

Tyke likes this walk, because it takes us past the white horse in his meadow and Tyke is fascinated and scared of it at the same time. We always stop and look at it and usually the horse walks up to the fence to greet Tyke. Tyke is very weary of him and to hide his fear he ends up barking at him, at which point we promptly leave so as not to wake up the whole neighborhood. It's quite a bit of excitement.

Then we reach a stretch of grass where everybody must walk their dog, because I can't get Tyke away from there and he pulls at the leash if I try to move him from a particular interesting spot and there are many spots like it. It's a battle that eventually I win by persistence. You wouldn't think that a 13 kilo dog had so much strength in him.

When we got home, I turned on the computer because I had to order some new bras because of my weight loss. I had become less endowed. This doesn't bother me, but I do want to fit well in my bras. It looks ridiculous if they are too big. I found the right ones in the right size and I also found a set of two sundresses in two different prints for a good price and ordered those as well. I can wear cardigans and leggings with them, or sweaters on top. I ordered them in a smaller size than the rest of my clothes are, figuring I am ready for that. My other clothes are getting too big.

Then I laid down on the sofa and took a little nap. Just for an hour to get over the worst of my momentary dip. That's all I needed and when I woke up I was completely over it again. I felt fine and did some chores. Mostly decluttering the kitchen and the living room and taking care of the trash.

Then Toby managed to knock over a dining chair and it knocked over the plant stand which caused the plant to fall on the floor. The plant landed upside down and the pot broke. I said, "Bravo, Toby, you did a good job. Encore!" I swept up the shards and the dirt and found a different pot to put the plant in. Luckily I had one and this one won't break because it's made of aluminum. The plant doesn't look too bad and I think it's going to be okay. It did make me realize that I had over watered it and that I need to let it dry out, so it was good for something.

The personal helper got here and she had gotten a haircut which made her look a lot younger. I told her so and I must say that a good haircut can do wonders. We sat and talked for a while about how the week had gone and then took Tyke for a long walk through the next neighborhood. Tyke and I walk quickly, I realized, and she had a hard time keeping up. It wasn't warm outside, so it was pleasant to go for a walk and I could have gone much further than the 50 minutes that we walked, but we weren't wearing the right shoes for it. We'll go for an hour the next time.

Shortly after she left, the Exfactor got here. I was watching Germany play Serbia in the World Cup and it was an interesting game. We watched it while we talked, because we're not that fanatic. We didn't miss any of the exciting parts, besides, there were repeats immediately. There were many yellow cards and one red one, all deserved. Serbia won. Germany didn't start to play well until the second half when Serbia defended very well. Tomorrow The Netherlands play Japan in the afternoon. I will be watching and commentating.

I made a deal with my personal helper that I would clean out some of the dresser drawers and organize my photographs that are in there somewhere. Most likely I will be doing that this weekend. I'm looking for the last photographs I have of my son. I was going to show them to her today, but couldn't find them because the drawers are so unorganized. That's terrible. I must get some order into them. I will get a trash bag and throw away everything that is obsolete and useless. I will show no mercy.

It isn't cold in the apartment, but it feels as though it is. I still have the windows open at the top, but there's not much of a draft. Still, my feet are cold and I should put on some warm socks. There are kids playing outside without their jackets on and I wonder if they are confused or if I am. I could have sworn it wasn't warm enough.

Alright, I will see if I can catch the latest political news anywhere. Attempts at coalition forming are still going on and it's starting to look very interesting. We may become much less right oriented than was originally feared.

Have a good rest of the day.

Ciao,
Nora

No sleep.

I haven't been to bed yet and it looks like I will not be about to for awhile. I am wide awake and I don't yet have a sleepy bone in my body. This is most unfortunate, because it is well past midnight when all decent folks are supposed to be asleep.

I've watched boring TV. I even watched Studio Football and that is really desperate TV watching when you're a woman, although I am probably going to watch all the games in the World Cup in which the Dutch team plays. Not that I really think we will become world champions, but you can always hope. There is the excitement of the well made goal or the terrible disappointment of a lost game, when everybody will say that we had lousy players nstead of the really good ones we have now. Or it will be blamed on the hamstring injury of Arjan Robben that we lost or the presence or absence of Wim Kuyt. It will be blamed on something or somebody. It will not be because we played a bad game.

There's a gentle breeze moving the blinds in front of the open windows. It is cool and I'm sitting here in my bathrobe. It's actually not that cool in the apartment, it's all in my imagination. I think I am cooled off because of the breeze, therefor I think I need my bathrobe. In reality it is 22.5C in here. That's more than warm enough. As far as I can tell, that's 72.5F. It's balmy. Well, it's not quite like living in the tropics maybe, but close enough. I could imagine that it is a tropical night, I suppose, although it is no summer night in the desert when you can go for a swim.

Tyke is sleeping beside me on the floor. He has decided anyway that it is bedtime. You can't fool a dog. He talks to me now when he needs attention. It's very funny and he reaches out with his right paw, so he is right handed. He has calmed down a lot. It is permanent. He's starting to leave his puppy ways behind him, but he is still lots of fun and full of surprises and he charms old ladies that he meets in the street. I just wish he didn't have to piddle every 20 seconds. It does keep us busy.

Toby is secretly eating Tyke's food. He has been trying to do that all day, but he got caught every time. I guess Tyke's not very hungry today, because he left half of it in his bowl. He is very protective of it, though, and absolutely doesn't want Toby to touch it. He sees Toby as a rival for everything. I'm sure because Toby is a male also. Gandhi is a sweet female, so Tyke tolerates her a lot better and bosses her around. I should almost say, tosses her around, but it's not quite that bad yet. Gandhi does know how to get out of the way on time.

The breeze has stopped blowing and now everything is very quiet. It's in the middle of the night and the town is asleep. At least, the suburbs are. It may be quite different downtown where the cafés are. I'm going downtown on Wednesday to meet my friend Yvonne. That's in the planning anyway, weather permitting. It depends on how serious this threat of rain is. Hopefully it won't be that bad and there will be many dry spells. It also depends on how hard the rain comes down. If it's just a gentle shower, and I'm on my bike, it's not such a bad thing, but if it rains buckets, I won't go out in it. There's nothing worse than sitting somewhere in drenched clothes with ruined hair. Luckily, I don't wear make up anymore or I'd worry about getting raccoon eyes.

I'm all ready for bed, so all I have to do is take off my bathrobe and go lie down in it. It gives me no incentive to actually go and do it. That's another matter altogether. Not even the clean sheets help me go. I'm sitting here very cozily and I'm not about to break the spell. My feet are cool, so that's good. The rest of me is warm. Eventually I'll have to go to bed, simply because there will be nothing else to do. I will go out of boredom.

Imagine me getting bored. There ought not to be such a thing. It is impossible. I can always write a post, after all. It seems I never run out of things to write about. I don't know if they are all fascinating, but to me they are amusing enough to write down and they help the time pass. I could probably sit here all night and do nothing but write posts, one after the other. I don't know if I would do anybody any favors with them, but it would sure keep me out of trouble. That's the main objective, isn't it?

I will be good and end this one now, but there are no guarantees that I will not write another one. It depends on if I'm able to sleep. I don't yet feel it in my bones or anywhere else Maybe I'll play around with the look of my blog. That will keep me busy for a few minutes.

Ciao,
Nora

Not that anybody cares...

I write these posts for my own pleasure. If I didn't, I'd wait until I got enough comments on the one I wrote last before I wrote another one. I think I've gotten one or two comments on the last post, but I'm going to write a new one again, because I feel the need to. It's rather silly, I know, but that's how I'm put together. I write when I want to and don't calculate the best opportunity to.

I also don't think of earth shattering subjects to write about. I don't have a subject, except me and the dog and the cats, and I don't have a theme. I could say: this week is "medication theme week" and talk about nothing but antidepressives, but I do that enough already. Or this is "talk about my cats theme week." I sprinkle those ingredients in when ever the mood strikes me, or when they are important in my life.

That reminds me that I haven't talked about Toby enough lately. Toby is a black and white male cat and I think he is about 8 years old now, maybe 9. He's been neutered, but still walks around here and the neighborhood as if he owns the place. He's a tough dude. He protects his territory. At home he is the boss and he let Tyke know that they weren't going to be buddies. So Tyke has to be on his best behavior around Toby, or Toby will hit him hard with his paws with his nails out. And hiss on top of that.

Toby actually likes cozyness and likes nothing better than to sit on someone's lap, anyone's lap. If you happen to be a visitor to my apartment, Toby will come sit on your lap. So you could say that he likes it when people come over. Toby is the one who will find the most interesting places to go to sleep in. Right now that is the recycle paper box, but sometimes it's the medicine cabinet or a kitchen cabinet. Suddenly you hear a lot of noise behind a closed door and you realize that Toby is stuck somewhere.

Toby is the one who purrs the loudest and will let you know that you need to turn on the kitchen faucet for some fresh water. He also lets you know when the kibbles are all gone. He beat up Gandhi once to let her know he was boss. That's when another cat moved out and he had to establish a new hierarchy. Now they get along fine.

So that is Toby, in case I don't mention him that much. I always talk about Gandhi and you'd think I had no other cat.

Now I have to take my medications and walk the dog. It is that time of day again.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

Spontaneity!

I did sleep well last night. I went to sleep early and had the sound of the TV turned down so low that I could hardly hear it, so I basically looked at the moving images until my eyes closed and I was gone. When I woke up this morning peace reigned until I started moving around and Tyke decided to assert himself by barking at Toby, who doesn't give a hoot. He then chased Gandhi around the apartment for a bit and finally settled down again to sleep some more by my feet where he is now. I would say that I'm properly awake after all that. I don't think I'm supposed to have many dull moments in my day anymore.

I'm drinking my second cup of coffee now. Yesterday evening I had to go to my sister to borrow milk, because I was all out of it and I can't drink my coffee without milk. We will probably go food shopping today. I'll have to check and see how healthy my bank account balance is. It's best not to live in complete ignorance of that, although it would be nice to assume there's always enough money there (I just checked my balance, it is healthy).

At 8:30 Tyke and I will walk to the tobacconist for our morning constitution. It will be a hurry up and stop expedition, because that's how Tyke moves through the world. He behaves alright in the shop itself, but I keep him on a short leash. I'm sure he would get into everything given the chance and tear the wrappers of the candy bars that are so invitingly displayed at the front of the counter.

I have to do paperwork that is stacked up on the dining table and first sort out the important stuff from the things that can be tossed out or filed away. It will probably leave me with very little that I actually have to do anything about. The dining table has become a catch all for all things, because it's the one place that Tyke can't get to. As long as the chairs aren't pulled out anyway. It's where I keep everything that needs to be handy and within easy reach. I used to be able to lay things on the coffee table, but that's not possible anymore. I was so used to Jesker who ignored everything around him unless it was food and even then he wouldn't touch it unless you gave it to him. He would just sit and look at it. Tyke's not the least bit like that yet.

I have to do laundry, but oh, when do I not need to do laundry? It's an ongoing project. I think my laundry multiplies in the basket. I used to enjoy doing laundry, but lately I've been completely turned off by it. Now it's a job I have to force myself to do. I have to talk myself into it. I think I really want a tumble dryer. I know that would be decadent, but it would make my life so much easier.

It's cloudy and 3C outside. It's going to be cloudy and 7C today, but no rain is expected yet. I suspect that weather wise, it will be a dull day today. It doesn't look like we're going to see any sunshine. What's a day without sunshine? Surely we need our vitamin D?

It's slowly becoming time to get the show on the road. I have to take my medicines and eat breakfast and feed Tyke his. Another cup of coffee would taste nice. I have to wash my hair, because I can't do a thing with it. I think it's time to call the hairdresser. Oh, they're not open on Mondays. I have to find a clean sweater to wear because I spilled food on the one I was wearing. I like big sweaters that hide a lot.

Have yourselves a good day. Mondays never seem that good, do they?

Ciao,
Nora

Back to the old template.

As you can see, I've gone back to the toad. I decided in the end that it was really me after all. I also like the layout and the colors and how easy it is to read the text. But I tell you, I feel an affinity for that toad. I really feel like that´s a bit me sitting there on that rock with those wise bulging eyes and that little fat body. I connect with that toad.

I've just come back from walking Tyke in the not so cold morning and I've fed him his lunch. I have to sit very close to him when he eats, otherwise he will not finish eating. As it is, he takes a couple of bites and comes and sits with me until I tell him to go eat again. Or until a cat dares to come close to his bowl. He beat up Toby the other day for daring to eat from his bowl. I don´t think Toby will ever try it again.

Right now Tyke and Gandhi are running through the apartment like Tasmanian Devils and I fear for everything that is standing upright. And just as quickly, Tyke is sound asleep on the floor beside me. Go figure! I think it is because Gandhi is now sitting on the dining table grooming herself. The animals are as unpredictable as the weather.

In spite of the fact that I slept well last night, I took a nap on the sofa this morning. I slept for 2 hours and it was very nice. I'll not worry about it today, since it's Sunday and a day of rest, but, of course, I'm not supposed to be asleep during the day, especially not in the morning when I've just gotten up. I don't want to spend what are supposed to be my waking hours asleep on the sofa. There are other things that I can do with my time.

I do have to say, though, that Tyke is great when I'm asleep. It seems that all he does is sleep also. I never wake up from any racket that he and Gandhi are making and he never gets into things he's not supposed to when I'm taking a nap. I'm now going to knock on wood really hard three times lest I call bad luck out over myself.

The wind just picked up hard outside and I think it is going to rain. Showers are predicted. It promises to be a cosy afternoon here. I'll have to turn on some lights, because it's dark in here. Still, it's 11C (52F), so it's not cold. I can say for certain that there's no chance of snow. Lord, I am so grateful for that. If I never see another snowflake I'll be so happy. Do you think it's time that I immigrate to another climate? At least it's already staying lighter later in the evening. That's something. I really do appreciate that. I love it when the sun starts going down late and the day lasts longer. It makes me feel like I have more time to do things.

Today is the last day of February. Good riddance to it. Not that March is not an unpredictable month, but it does bring us close to springtime. You do get your reward if you're patient enough. Someone wrote about the darling buds of May, but here we can speak of the darling buds of March. He must have lived in a different geographical area. I'm talking about the buds on shrubbery and trees. I can't wait to see that green haze on those bare branches or am I running ahead of myself? I do remember this correctly, don't I? It's a mystery and a surprise every year over again.

I think have to find a new home for Gandhi. Tyke won't leave her alone. He misinterprets everything she does as playful behavior and he is constantly chasing her around the apartment and bothering her. He doesn't give her one moment of rest, like a typical puppy, and follows her wherever she goes. He nips at her and shoves her around and paws at her and he thinks that whatever she does in return is playful feedback. Gandhi is going nuts and I have to correct Tyke all day long. That lasts as long as it does and then I have to start all over again. It's maddening. I called the Exfactor and asked him if he wants her and he is going to think about it and also ask among his friends if anyone wants her. In the meantime I'll have to sit on Tyke. I guess I didn't knock on wood hard enough.

Gandhi has scratched Tyke in the eye and damaged his lower eyelid. It's swollen and red and it looks terrible. I'm putting an antibiotic cream on it, but I'll have to take him to the vet tomorrow just to make sure that his tear gland isn't damaged. Oh, it's always something.

I want to end this on a happy note, so let's see what I can write about. It has started to rain, but that is not really something to be happy about, although it is cosy when you're nice and dry inside. You must see the glass half full. I'm wearing a sweater that I had quite forgotten about and found another one that I had forgotten about too. It now is in the laundry, which I will do as soon as I'm done here.

The sweaters were laying on the top shelf of my closet where I don't have a look very often. It's a neglected area. Actually, my whole closet is kind of neglected and I'm wearing the same clothes over and over again. I put them in the laundry and when they're dry I put them on. I have no imagination when it comes to dressing up at the moment and I haven't worn any make up in a long time. I'm about the dullest woman in the street and it hardly bothers me.

Gandhi is now peacefully sleeping on the sofa and Tyke is lying beside me chewing on a rawhide bone. Temporary peace!

Have a good rest of the day. It is Sunday, so I hope you do only nice things for yourself.

Ciao,
Nora

Sleep!

After I wrote my post early this morning, I have done nothing but sleep on the sofa under the red fleece blanket. It felt as though a cloud of sleepiness settled over me and I couldn't get out of it until just now. I'm having a cup of coffee to try and get the last bit of sleepiness out of my system, but I'm still yawning and the sofa still looks awfully appealing to me. I have one blind pulled halfway up and Toby is lying on the back of the sofa looking out the window. Gandhi is asleep on the sofa where I had been lying. Tyke is asleep by my feet and I want to go back and join Gandhi.

I always seem to alternate one active day with one inactive day. I was full of plans this morning, but I don't know yet if I will make a big walk with Tyke today. I have to see how I get out of this sleepiness first. The best thing to do, of course, is to put on my hiking boots and go for a walk. It doesn't have to be a big walk even. Just long enough to wake up and get my brain cleared up. I will tentatively plan on that then and do that as soon as I've written this post.

There's nothing nicer than lying on the sofa with the red blanket pulled over me and the sound of the TV in the background. I don't even know what's on and what programs I'm missing. It doesn't matter. It's just chatter in the background of my sleep. I dream a lot when I sleep on the sofa and I work out all sorts of things in my dreams. They are little analytical sessions that I have in symbolic language, but I understand the symbolism usually. I always dream about my children and my exes and the life I had in California. These elements repeat themselves in different stories over and over again.

It's cloudy and 4C outside, so it's not too cold. I see that no rain is expected now, though it rained and snowed during the night. Tomorrow it's actually going to be 9C, that's practically springtime weather. I did see green tips of bulb plants poke out of the ground yesterday. They must have been daffodils. I forgot to look if the snowdrops were still there. I'll have to do that today. If I get that far. I have a sore spot on my little toe. The same one that bothered me so much last year and I'll have to put a band aid on it to prevent it from getting hurt by my hiking boot. Maybe that's what happened last year and I just imagined I stubbed it. It may have been because of my hiking boots all along.

My eyes are getting better for close up such as working behind the computer, but they are getting worse for faraway. The one lens is not good enough for reading the subtitles on TV anymore, though if I look through both lenses it is okay. I suppose that's what matters in the end. It's just a curiosity I noticed when I was watching TV from a distance. I was watching text TV and couldn't read it very well and was wondering why. I suppose I'll blame it on old age.

My sister just called and we're going grocery shopping tomorrow afternoon, which is good, because I'm just about out of everything. We were supposed to go yesterday, but she had a 24 hour stomach bug. Unfortunately, the supermarkets are closed on Sundays, so we can't go now. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could? There's an ordinance against it.

Well, I suppose I'll take the four legged critter on a walk now. He's still sound asleep, but he'll notice the second I get up to put my boots on.

Have a good afternoon!

Ciao,
Nora

Where's my energy?

I just scrubbed the kitchen counter with scouring powder and dusted two tables and I'm completely worn out. I was planning on doing more jobs, but I don't have the energy. I have to sit down for a while until I move onto the next job and it can't be a big one, because I won't last that long. I'll water the plants next and hang up the laundry. I'm really tired, though. It feels as if I've done a lot of work. I'm not that old, for God's sake. I feel like I'm coming down with something and my body won't co-operate. I'll have to do my work in little chunks and stop when I can't do anymore. I'm not even going to try to vacuum, I'll sweep instead. It's such a bother to drag that vacuum cleaner around and sweeping doesn't require as much energy. So I tell myself.

I was supposed to have gone grocery shopping with my sister today, but when she called I was still in my pajamas and not yet in a frame of mind to go out, so I will go on Wednesday, as I think I can make my supplies last that long. I just have to be careful that I make the milk last, as I don't like the artificial creamer in my coffee. It has a...well, artificial taste. Still, it's better than drinking my coffee black.

I've just watered the plants and it was high time too, as some of them were quite dry and I hope they forgive me and don't decide to die on me. I can't hang up the laundry yet, because the washing machine isn't done. It fakes me out, because I think I don't hear anything, but it's just sitting there between movements, humming quietly to itself. I don't think I'm going to be able to hang the laundry outside. It would take forever to get dry. As it is, I have three loads to do and only one rack to dry them on and one load fits on the rack exactly and takes at least a day to dry. I'll be doing laundry for the rest of the week, unless I can figure out a way to get it dry quicker. I could turn up the heat higher, but that's a wasteful way to get the laundry dry. It's too bad that I don't have a wood stove to heat the apartment with. I could get it real warm in here.

My dog thinks he's all done going out for the day and has settled down on his blanket like he is never going to move again. He wanted to go out at 4 o'clock, so I took him for a walk, but I think he's confused and thinks that's it. He's going to have to go out one more time, though. I'll have to convince him to go go with me later in the evening. He's down to eating 400 grams of food and that is enough for him. I have been buying him the Bonzo meals and he likes them very much. He never dawdles when he eats those. Now that the snow and ice are gone, we will be able to take longer walks and I think he will enjoy that. As long as it's not too cold I don't mind being out there.

I have to go to the hairdresser, because I can't do a thing with my hair. All it wants to do is stick up in the wrong direction and it is too long to get it to lay down flat in the right way. It is a pain in the neck and needs to be cut short. I don't realize how quickly my hair grows and how long it has been since I've been to have it cut and before I know it, it has lost its shape and it doesn't look like anything at all. I will call tomorrow and make an appointment. I also have to call the doctor to make an appointment about those nodules on my throat. I think I had better not postpone that anymore now, because I has been several months and they are getting bigger. I also have to take Toby to the vet, because he's sneezing again and he needs a shot of antibiotics. Oh, ho hum. Just what I like to do. Going out...

I have hung up the laundry and put the next load in the machine. I have also put the dishes in the sink to soak and will wash those as soon as I am done writing this. There weren't really that many, especially not after I washed and dried the porridge bowls separately. There are mostly coffee cups and juice glasses and teaspoons. I need to wash the dog's bowls separately, but they need a good soak and a scrub.

Ah, the dog's come back to life. Maybe he will want to go out now. He's doing an awful lot of stretching and yawning. First I need to do the dishes and then I'll take him out. A little bit of fresh air will do me good as well, especially now that I don't have to worry about breaking my neck. I realize now that I really felt like a prisoner with all that snow and ice. It's like being let out of jail now that it's all gone. I sure didn't appreciate that. I hope no more comes our way. I wouldn't like it one bit. I would curse it and move to a warmer climate.

Have a nice evening.

Ciao,
Nora

Another bright and beautiful morning.

I had made a deal with my SPN that I would no longer get up in the middle of the night and stay up and play with the computer until it was morning. This in an effort to get me back to a more normal rhythm in which I might have more energy during the day to undertake things and not be asleep for half of the day. Well, I just about made it. I woke up twice during the night because of night sweats and I had to change the towel I sleep on. The second time I was very uncomfortable, because my arm also hurt, so I did get up for a while and spent some time behind the computer, but luckily, I realized on time that I should go back to bed and I did and woke up at a regular hour. So I did actually sleep a lot, because I went to bed very early last night. I wasn't in the mood to stay up and only wanted to be in bed under the duvet with my book and be nice and warm and read.

Yesterday morning, after I got dressed and walked the dog, I did not clean the apartment as I had so proudly proclaimed. I got my book and laid down on the sofa and read and took a little catnap and Toby took a little catnap on top of me. That's all the effort I put into my morning. When I got up, I had some coffee and cleaned up the kitchen and walked the dog. It was snowing outside and did so for a long time. Still, it was slippery outside in a lot of places and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my footing and hit the deck.

I left an hour early to go to my SPN as I also had to go past the post office to mail two packages. These will be amongst the last packages that I will send, as I have quit Bookmooch. I was spending such an inordinate amount of money each month sending books to people that it just about gave me an ulcer worrying about it and I decided not to do it anymore. I will take some of the money that I spent each month and spend it on discount books I want at Bol.com. I will feel much better doing that. I have to send a few more books, but that will be it.

Luckily, the line at the post office was very short and I was done in no time, leaving me to make my careful way to my SPN's office. There were some tricky areas where things were very slippery, but I did not fall once, so that was good. I got there early and read a women's magazine in the waiting room. I never read those, except in the waiting room, because they give such unrealistic expectations about what a woman's life should look like. It's life seen through rose colored glasses and it bothers me that there is none of the really gritty stuff of life in them. It's not exactly feminist literature.

When I got home again, I had to call the pharmacist and make sure they had gotten my prescriptions for all my medicines and ask them to deliver them to my apartment that evening. Then I called my sister to let her know that I was home so we could go shopping. It was busy at the store, but they always have enough cash registers open so you don't really have to wait in line. I was done quickly, because I knew exactly what I had to get, which is basically always the same, give or take a little, and I was ready to go in no time. But I had to wait for my sister and when she didn't show up, I thought about giving her a call. Just as I was about to, I saw her blond head in the crowd. She had run into an acquaintance and had a chat and met the little boy who was two and adorable and she wanted to take him home with her. You see, puppies and little kids...

At home I had the fun job of putting away the groceries with the help of the animals and I gave the cats their food in the pouches, which they darn near pulled out of my hands, and the dog got his treat. I got a cup of coffee and watched some inane TV program while I made cigarettes. It's a program for people aged 55+ and they think we're all demented and can only handle very simple subjects. No intellect is required. It's so condescending. The problem is that I watched the whole program. That's how lazy I was and somewhat fascinated by it at the same time, because I kept thinking, you're addressing me? It's the same problem as with those women's magazines, no unpleasant subjects are broached.

This novel I'm reading, "Superior Women" by Alice Adams is really good. I can't wait to start reading it every time I put it down. I'm completely fascinated by it. It's got me hooked. It's a little bit dated, but it still makes for a good read.

It's supposed to get up to 4C today, so that means there should be some major melting of the snow. It's -1C now and the sun is shining. The dog is sound asleep and hasn't asked to be let out yet. I think he is getting a little demented. Sometimes he gets stuck in corners and just stands there or he just topples over. He also wanders around aimlessly in little areas as if he's confused. Outside he falls off the sidewalk and he leans his head into the wrong side of the door to get in. I don't mind. I just keep a closer eye on him. He's still a good dog.

Well, I'm getting sleepy, so I better get dressed and take him out in the fresh air. That will do us both a lot of good. These anti psychotics do make me want to fall asleep.

Ciao,
Nora

So early in the morning, tra la la...

I'm sitting here with my bathrobe and my slippers on being cold and it isn't really cold in here at all, it is just the suggestion of cold, because it is so cold and snowy outside. It's -6C and snowing and I just let Jesker out back for a piddle and it was freezing! Well, of course, it's -6C.

I haven't had enough sleep yet and shortly I will go back to bed, but I had to get up for a while and have some coffee and my cigarettes and sit here very cozily behind the computer, as is my habit in the morning. I went to bed late last night, because I wasn't paying attention to what time it was and it got away from me and before I knew it, it was late and past my bedtime. I like to be in bed by 10 o'clock at the latest, but it was well after 11 before I got under the covers last night. Then I woke up at 4:30 this morning and thought I was done sleeping. Well, I'm not, obviously, but I am going to take my medicines and have some breakfast first and then get back under the duvet. I'm looking forward to that already.

I got my card swap package all ready to go. I've put together quite a package of cards and papers, both old and new. I have a whole collection of old postcards that I could chose from and I picked out the prettiest ones. I also put in new cards and pretty papers to use for collages. This is the first time I have participated in a swap, so it is a whole new terrain for me and I have to figure out how to best do it. I'll see when I get my package how it's best done. I'm very curious to see what will be in it.

I think today I will get the photo agendas. I'm kind of counting on it. If I get them on time, I may be able to walk to the post office, if not, I will have to wait until next week. I have found out that walking somewhere is easier than riding my bike. I feel less vulnerable. I suppose that I feel like less of a target. There was a time when I used to walk into downtown several times a week. Maybe I will be able to do that again. I would take the bus, but it's too expensive. I could take the bus part of the way there and then walk the rest of the way. I'll see. Walking would be good for me.

I've gotten three mooched books in the mail in the past two days and have to find room for them on the bookcase. They are so nice looking and come from very caring owners. The kind that don't break the spine of a book. Toby has gotten in the habit of sleeping in the bottom cubicle of the bookcase behind a row of books. I keep empty envelopes there and he likes to sleep on top of them with the result that he knocks the books over. I will have to pack them in so tightly that he won't be able to do that anymore. Ha, there's a method to my madness. I like to pack the books in tightly, so they will stay in place, right on the edge and I won't have to dust there. Believe me, I always have a lot of dust and less than enough interest in dusting. Sometimes I get very industrious and move all the books and clean the whole bookcase, but that only happens a few times a year.

Well, now I have to take my medicines and eat breakfast and go back to bed for a few more hours sleep. I feel in my bones that I need to do that. I will be full of happiness when I wake up again.

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Life is but a dream...

After having been up for thirty something hours, I finally took a nap a while ago and slept for about two hours and now I feel awfully refreshed and after one cup of coffee, I have come to my senses and I am ready to go again. As a matter of fact, that cup of coffee tasted so great, I think I will have one more, then I'll switch to green tea with lemon. I bought that especially at the supermarket the other day for nights like this when I would be perky and wide awake and wanted something good to drink. I forgot all about it yesterday when I was so busy being productive and moving furniture around.

Speaking of that, when I came home from creative therapy today, I realized that my paintings didn't match my interior at all. As a matter of fact, they clashed badly and I had to take them down immediately and hang something else up. So, I hung up my paintings in my bedroom, where they fit in a lot better and I hung one really good framed movie poster from the bedroom in the living room. That left two empty spaces and by rearranging some things, and adding here and there, I filled those up too until I was happy with the results. I did find out in which walls I can and can not hammer a nail. It's extremely frustrating when you find out you need a drill and you have to use the screw that's already in there, which determines what you can hang up there. If it's too large, for example, you may cover up a light switch.

Also, when I came home, I discovered that a cat had been having a field day with the scarf, that I had used as a runner on the dining table, and the potted plant. The scarf was all bunched up and there were little leaves all over the place and when I asked who was the culprit, Toby looked the most guilty. Anyway, I cleaned it all up and took the scarf off the table as being not a good idea. I don't need those kinds of headaches and I could see it happening repeatedly. I have to animal proof the apartment as much as possible. If it looks too good to be true, it is.

Then I decided that I didn't like the vase with the twinkly branches and the Christmas decorations on the dresser at all and I moved it to the bedroom, where it looks a lot nicer and very romantic. That left an empty space on the dresser, so I put the fig plant there, but I had to cut off some of the lower leaves that had spread out too far. The fig plant had been covering up a mildewy spot on the wall, so tomorrow I need to get the paint out and paint over it and hope it takes. I may do that tonight, as a matter of fact. I think what I have is anti mildew paint, or something like that.

I didn't clean up the kitchen early this morning, I forgot what I did instead. Anyway, I got to do that happy job this afternoon and I broke two glasses while doing the dishes and I wasn't being rough in particular. I noticed it because I cut myself and found not one, but two broken glasses. Now I have to go to the cheap store to buy some new ones, because I don't have that many left. There's no excuse not to go anymore now. It's my fate to go to that store. I do hope they have some decent ones, though. I have the feeling that the last ones I bought did break very easily. Maybe I won't go to the cheapest store, but to the decent store and buy the glasses there instead. I'll be more sure of the quality. I've also got to buy some Christmas cards, because although I said I wasn't sending any this year, I have been getting cards already and I am going to be sending cards in return. It would be awfully sad if I didn't do that. I do so like receiving them and then I do want to send them as well.

There was a layer of frost on all the cars this morning and all the drivers were out scraping ice off their windows. That's why the heater finally went on. I've turned it down a notch to 19.5C so it doesn't turn on as quickly. I don't want to make the energy company happy. I'd rather wear an extra sweater. The sun was out all day, though, and it was nice outside. Cold but nice. If you wear a scarf and gloves, you are okay on your bike. There is no wind and that is the most important thing.

I made a George Clooney collage this morning. I found some good photographs of him and cut them out and added some other interesting things to it and some text. Boy, George Clooney is cute and he gets better looking as he gets older, just like Sean Connery. He's a regular hunk. I'd fall for him easily, except that he wouldn't fall for me. A man like that can have his pick of perfect babes. You'd have to share him with the world. Anyway, I hope the collage turns into something decent. I'm not done with it yet, it needs the final touches.If it turns out well, I'll take a picture of it and post it.

I'm amazingly tired. It just hit me. I think I will go to bed on time tonight. I want to stay up and do interesting things, but I don't know if my body will co-operate. I think it doesn't want to. It wants to go to sleep.

I'm not very happy with my current template. I don't think it's very special at all. I had imagined that it would look more spectacular. It's not nearly as breathtaking as I thought it was going to be. I will have to pick out another template. Isn't that a shame? I know you all hate this very much. I do it to give you all a hard time and to keep you on your toes. Never a dull moment.

I have said enough for tonight. I will save the rest for tomorrow when I'm awake again.

I hope you all have a good night's sleep or whatever it is you're having. Be good at it!

Ciao,
Nora

Where I'm not going...

I'm sitting here with a lousy cup of decaf, because it's obviously too late to drink a cup of the real stuff. The decaf is so bad, that I only drink it with the greatest amount of distaste and not at all for my pleasure, but I doubled up on the pads and made the coffee in a relatively small mug, so it doesn't taste too bad. You have to develop all sorts of tricks to make the unpalatable palatable, because it seems that manufacturers are unable to make good decaf coffee pads. Why this is, I don't know, but I think somebody is getting away with murder and letting us pay for an inferior product and I think we ought not to take it lying down and boycott it. Actually, I already am and haven't bought any decaf pads in a long time. These I've had forever, because neither the Exfactor nor I want to drink that coffee and always opt for the real kind that's so much better. This decaf is like drinking an extract made from burned rubber bands and I don't know why I bother, except it's the closest thing to drinking coffee except for the real coffee itself. Well, I do make sacrifices when it comes to getting my fix at night and I wasn't in the mood for a cup of tea. I wanted something like a cappuccino and that is what the Senseo machine gives me. I wanted the creamy foam on my top lip and that is what I got.

Jesker managed to get his three walks in today anyway, he just staggered them at different times and I swear that dog knows how to count, because he didn't get his first walk until way after noontime. I thought he would just need another one at 6 pm, but no, he wanted to go out a 4 pm and then again at 8pm, so he is wise enough to figure out how to get all his walks of the day anyway. He was so proudly walking on the leash as if he had just invented the wheel and was making a triumphal march around the neighborhood with me in attendance with the baggies in my pocket. Sometimes I wonder who is leading who over the sidewalks. I think I play a very secondary role. I'm the poop picker upper. I always bless him when they are of a solid quality.

When we came back, Gandhi escaped in the stairwell again, so I left the door ajar, so she would be able to get back in when she was ready. I forgot about it being open until an hour later and went to check on it and found it wide open and Gandhi sound asleep on my bed. Then I went to see if maybe Toby had escaped in the meantime, but I found him in the kitchen sitting by the faucet waiting for water to come out of it. He thinks if he stares at it long enough, it will magically happen. It is nice that there is an extra outside door, though, so I don't have to worry about keeping my front door ajar. The other people in the building know that the cats belong to me, so there's no confusion about that. They ring my doorbell if they think one of them is about to escape outside. It is no big deal if they do, because they just walk around the block and come in through the back door again.

I am looking forward to going to bed and sleeping late again like I did this morning. I may get up early for awhile, but I will go back to bed again until I'm really ready to face the day properly and quite rested. That is the nice thing about the weekend, that you feel free to do that, as you think that nobody will come to the door to bother you, especially on Sundays. I suppose it is good to have one day of complete rest. I'm very lucky that Jesker is satisfied with a quick piddle out back in the morning and doesn't really have to be walked until later, when I can be bothered to get up and get dressed. The book of short stories by Alice Adams I'm reading in bed is very good and I'm looking forward to reading the novels that I have of her. She can describe her characters in a few short sentences and you can picture them in front of you completely. They are all unconventional and yet probably people you'd meet in the street every day. I don't know anything about her and must do a Google search on her. I don't even remember how I got her name, but I must have read a novel or short story by her at one time. I wrote down all the women authors that I liked a long time ago and I think she was one of them. That was in a period of my life when I read 6 books a week. I read every waking moment just about and hardly spent time behind the computer.

I just Googled Alice Adams and found out that she died 10 years ago and that she used to live in San Francisco, so I missed my chance at meeting her, had I known about her way back then. The last time I was in San Francisco was in 1994.

Well, it's time for me to put my pajamas on and get something to eat and take my medicines. It's been a pleasure as usual. It will be nice to go to sleep and I hope you're all looking forward to it as much as I am.

Have a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

Saturday evening.

I just walked the dog in watery, cold sunshine. The field was sopping wet from the rain we have had. The sidewalk is covered by yellow leaves and the gutters are full of them. Jesker likes to push his nose deep into the leaves and smell "god only knows what." As long as there's no bear trap hidden in it, I suppose I won't worry about it.

Toby had brought home the casing of a liverwurst and had hidden it under a cabinet. Of course, I forgot about it until Jesker found it and was planning on eating it. I had to stick my hand into his closely clenched mouth and try and get it out and he did not like it, I was stealing his found food! He growled at me dangerously, but I was not intimidated and got a hold of the casing and pulled it out. I do have to show him who's boss around here. He did look very disappointed when I threw it away, so I gave him a bone instead. After he finished eating it, he came over to me wagging his stumpy little tail to make sure we were still friends. Of course we were.

The Exfactor was here earlier and we had a long discussion about politics and music. We agree on the basic premises, but then part our ways, because the Exfactor is much more set in his ways than I am and is very much a black and white thinker, where as I move more into the gray areas and try to see the problems from both points of view. Although I definitely lean to the left sharply, the Exfactor leans to the left so sharply that he almost leans to the right again.

I am glad that I'm able to see the gray areas, because when I was married to him, and very much influenced by him, I didn't see the gray areas and very often felt myself driven into a corner when I had to voice an opinion. Now I can be more nuanced and give a different turn to what I state and leave room for another look at something that maybe I had not considered yet. I speak less in absolutes anymore and am less reactionary. The Exfactor is very reactionary and very convinced of himself and sticks to his principles even if that means that he has to disagree with himself.

It seems that our prime minister, who said he was not interested in the job of president of the European Union, has been strongly lobbying for the job all along, and the Exfactor was upset about that. He found that very disloyal and sneaky. I had to remind him that he doesn't even like our prime minister and would probably be glad to see the last of him, but he said it was a matter of principles. I said, "Let him get the job and let us have another prime minister," but then we got into a discussion about who that should be and we thought in horror of the possibilities. We're hoping that they'll choose a sensible woman and are keeping our fingers crossed.

Then we got into a discussion about music and the Exfactor mentioned that "nerve wrecking kind of jazz," and I was trying to figure out what kind he meant by that, because it sounded like the kind of jazz I like. I said that I didn't like "easy" jazz, but that I liked "complicated" jazz and if that was what he meant, and he said that he didn't like the kind in which they just made a lot of nervous sounding noise and beeps and bleeps and that he likes the jazz of the 60's, which I have to concede that I do also.

We talked about classical music, because he exclusively listens to a Belgian classical radio station and I asked him if they made any differentiation between the different kinds of classical music, because I don't like all classical music and you can't throw them into one pot just like that. I never did get a straight answer to that, but I get the feeling that he listens to anything, regardless of the style and era, as long as it's played by this station. I like baroque and opera choruses and especially anything by Johan Sebastian Bach or Mozart or Vivaldi. I don't care for most opera arias and romantic classical music. I find it too dramatic. I may be very conventional in my tastes, but I do have them and I'm very picky about them. I got the feeling that the Exfactor listened indiscriminately to anything that came under the header of classical music.

He started listening to this radio station when we were still together and sometimes he would listen to god awful music and I would ask him, "Do you really like that?" And he would concede that he didn't, but kept listening to it anyway.Needless to say, it was the favorite radio station of the woman he was having an affair with and who is now his girlfriend, so you see how easily he is influenced by the women in his life. Sometimes this radio station plays jazz and ethnic music and world music, which he all has to listen to, of course, so he is forced to undergo some different listening habits. I'm secretly having a lot of fun about this, because I can not imagine enduring music simply because someone I'm in love with listens to that station. Or having political opinions because the person I am with has certain attitudes that I have to share and I want them to love me so I agree with them.

I really, really like being my own person and having my own opinions about things and making up my own mind independently of anyone else. I draw my own conclusions and come to my own decisions without the interference of a person standing next to me declaring his point of view very loudly. Someone who is constantly commenting while you are trying to watch the news and trying to make up your own mind about what you hear and see. It's sheer liberation to be freed from that and to think in a liberated space where there is room for your own thoughts that otherwise would struggle to survive. I so very much do not believe in a "we as a couple believe this." I do believe in a free and independent believe system that's not influenced by others, but come about out of your own free will and independently gotten information.

Now, having said that, I believe the Exfactor is a really sweet person who always has the best intentions and wants to please people very much, and he always shows his best side to me, because isn't he always ready to help me, before I even ask for it? So, this isn't so much about the Exfactor, but about relationships in general and about how stifling they can be and how dis-empowering. There's always someone who very subtly or not so subtly, wants to press his world vision and life definition onto the relationship and have it be the only one that counts and the partner has to except it as his/her own.

No, being a solitary person is far preferable above being part of a 2 unit, confined and fabricated, dominated by one person, set of people.You have to be very mature and emotionally healthy to let the other person remain independent and wholesomely intact to be a successful and integral couple. I haven't seen enough proof of that to be a believer in it, but I'd be happy to be shown examples of it. I suppose you're all going to comment to me now that you and your partner are the exception to the rule, but I will be full of doubt. You will know best yourself and won't need to prove it to me.

Oh God. I'm on my soapbox again, aren't I? Sometimes I just have to spout my opinions all over the place. I can be so full of myself, it's ridiculous, but I hope it gives you something amusing to read. You can totally disagree with me, of course, Your experience may be quite different than mine. I am biased, not having had one successful relationship. I think I'm not cut out for them, or not yet anyway. Possibly I have a lot of growing up to do and I'm running like a train. Maybe when I'm done growing up, I will be willing to accept another person into my life in a very lose relationship. It can't be the least bit suffocating. I will not suffer the ties that bind me.

Right, I'm climbing off my soapbox now and tucking it under my arm and marching off with it into the night. It seems like it is very late, but it isn't at all. Still, I'm going to get my pajamas on and get cozy. There are always the sofa and the television to consider. A person can doze away there.

Have a good night or a good day, which ever one you want. It's a democracy, so you get to choose.

Ciao,
Nora