Feeling groovy...

I got up after having gone to bed early and Tyke thought that was a sign of action and started to get all excited. I had to ignore him and wait for him to settle down again, which he has now done and he is asleep on the sofa. I don't know why he thinks all sorts of things are going to happen in the middle of the night, because they never do. All I do is give him a rawhide chewy and hope he settles down again. He's a darn stubborn dog with a one track mind. It's stuck on having fun.

I was asleep under my nice clean sheets, but woke up nevertheless and had to get up. There was no sense in lying in bed waiting for sleep to come again. It will take a while for it to return. I don't mind and gladly get up for this middle of the night interlude. I will do my real sleeping when I go back to bed. What I've done now is take a long nap.

I've given it some thought and have decided to stop smoking. It's taking too much of my budget every month and I can use the money for other things. I will order nicotine patches at the pharmacy and finish up my tobacco that I still have and then quit smoking. For some reason I'm not at all fazed by this and I think that I can do it. I have a tremendous amount of confidence in myself and think that I will succeed.

It will mean that I and my apartment will no longer smell of smoke and that things will no longer get grimy because of it. I will be able to launder everything and have it smell fresh and apply air freshener to everything else. I'll get rid of the ashtrays that are always so smelly and I will be able to paint the living room and the hallway without having them turn brown again. And in the wintertime I will be able to close the windows without having the place smell bad. There are so many pros to quitting and there are so many cons to smoking, but the money is a big motivating factor. It's wasted now and that is a shame. It's going up in smoke, quite literally.

So that is my big resolution.

I had a quiet day yesterday. I didn't do anything exciting but change the bed and do a load of laundry that I forgot to hang up to dry, because there was till laundry hanging to dry on the rack in the bathroom. I have to take that down first and may do that in a while. There will be nice clean clothes there as well that will be tempting to put on in the morning. I can't wait.

I spent the afternoon watching a boring baseball game and reading my novel. The baseball game was truly boring and doesn't match up to American baseball and seems kind of amateurish in comparison. These guys could not play in the big league. I also watched some of La Vuelta, and that was a little bit more exciting. At least you get to see the scenery come by as the racers climb the mountains.

My book is good. There are some very dicey parts in it that I was not expecting and make it more than a feel good novel. I don't quite know how to deal with these elements in this book. They seem out of place and interfere with the happy ending that I assumed there would be. It's a bit more complicated than that and for some people life seems awfully unfair and very traumatic. I need to keep on reading to see how this resolves itself. If it does.

I walked Tyke in the fall sunshine and the somewhat chilly wind. I did wear a jacket, although it was a pretty day. Walking with Tyke is a hurry up and stop exercise, just like it used to be with Jesker. Tyke's always finding interesting places to examine for a long time and then suddenly runs off to the next place. He has unbounded energy and I have to keep up with him.

I just realized that I forgot to put the trash out and I wonder if I will do it now that it is in the middle of the night. It's kind of scary to go out there. I don't really have a full bag and it can wait until next week, I suppose. I won't be awake on time in the morning before they come to pick it up at 6 am.

I have to mail three books tomorrow for Bookmooch. I want to do that in the morning before the domestic help gets here, so I can't sleep too late. I do have to get up at a decent time. I'm sure I will not have to set my alarm clock but wake up on my own and get out of bed if I'm motivated enough. I'm going to have tea in the morning, because I'm almost out of coffee and the Exfactor is not going grocery shopping until Tuesday. He'll also come bearing gifts for my birthday. I asked for tennis balls for Tyke to play with. We've misplaced the one he had and he misses it a lot.

The try at the formation of the right wing coalition has failed and a lot of us are very much relieved. Now we start all over again and another sort of coalition will be attempted. All sorts are possible, but it will not be a right wing one, those chances are gone. Parties to the left will have to be involved and that will be much healthier and truer to the outcome of the elections. We can only keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best possible outcome. The government agreement has to be fair to the greatest amount of people and not just to an elite few at the top. It's not the little people who should pay the price for the economic situation, which is how the right wing coalition would have wanted it. It smacked of American republicanism, to tell you the truth. I don't think we want that kind of situation in this country. I'm more bound and determined to always vote socialistic as I see it as the fairest system for everyone in general.

Enough politics. I don't want to alienate anyone with my personal opinions. This is supposed to be a lighthearted blog.

I'm sitting in my bathrobe, drinking a glass of milk. It's 21C in here and the windows are still open at the top, although it is 11C outside. Isn't it amazing how warm it stays in here? I haven't had the heater on yet and will not for a long time. We're not expecting rain until Tuesday and today it is going to be 21C and sunshiny. I've got the perfect outfit for that kind of weather.

I love to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about the kind of clothes I'm going to wear because it makes me happy. I do so because I think I will look pretty, assuming somewhere along the line that I'm not this middle aged woman with this less than perfect body, but a tall woman who looks good in her well chosen clothes. I have all sorts of illusions that I'm more than happy to live with and that don't need to be burst like bubbles or pretty colored balloons. I'm happy to live with my self image, which is good and which I never test to reality, because there's no such thing. There's only the concept of self and that's all that counts.

I'm not nearly ready to go to bed and I think I will hang up the laundry. I'm afraid my schedule is turned upside down. I'm awake for the better part of the night and getting sleepy towards the morning. I feel alive during the night and enjoy myself too much. My mind is keener and I feel better. Possibly my ancestors were nocturnal. Maybe they were pub crawlers and didn't come home until the wee hours of the morning.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

In the middle of the night...

I just had a cup of tea and now I'm having a tall glass of milk. I figured that I didn't need to be drinking coffee at this time of night. I don't need it to function anyway, I do okay without it. Although come to think of it, I may be a little dull without it. I may make a little coffee yet and see if that will enliven me a bit. I do depend on artificial stimulation to get my brain to perform at its best. It's no good sitting here half awake when I could be fully awake. Especially not if I'm going to write a blog post.

Yesterday I got a nice surprise in the mail. It was a gift certificate from my daughter to spend at bol.com. I was able to get five books that I really wanted and if I'm lucky they will be here for my birthday. It was the nicest thing I've gotten in a long while and it was the perfect gift. I have such a long wish list at bol.com that it wasn't difficult to pick out the books that I wanted. I had a great time choosing them and getting the most for my money. What a blast that was. I do seriously have to make room on my bookcase now and remove some books that are unimportant and move those to the bedroom. I don't need to tell you that books are my greatest treasures. I value them as much as I value my clothes, if not more. More, I guess.

Yesterday was a strange day other than that. I completely wasted it doing a whole bunch of unnecessary things that I thought were important at the time I was doing them. They all involved sitting behind the computer and they all took up a lot of my time, but looking back on them now, I think none of them were worth it. I kept getting involved in little projects that I thought were interesting and necessary, but that didn't amount to a hill of beans and that may as well have been left undone.

Sometimes I get caught up in things that suddenly grab my attention and I think it is very important that I do them immediately at the cost of everything else. It's not until after the fact, when the spell has been broken, that I see it has been completely useless and that I may as well have spent my time doing something completely different. I came to my senses early in the evening and took Tyke for a walk in the fresh air to get those obsessive behaviors out of my head. I'm not planning on having a day like that today. I have to grab myself by the neck and pull myself back to reality where I belong.

My personal helper is going to be here today and so is my domestic help. I have to do a few chores beforehand and I think that the Exfactor is also going to come by. He can go to the store for me and get the few things I forgot about the other day. He had offered to do so when I was trying to remember everything for my shopping list and couldn't think of. I will have a full house, but the more the merrier, right? As long as everybody co-operates and does what they are supposed to do, I'm happy.

I can't believe it's Friday again. It seems it was only Friday just a few days ago, but I'm not complaining. The week just went by awfully fast. I'm planning on reading a lot this weekend. I want to finish the novel I'm reading now and start a new one and I have so many to choose from. When I look on my bookcase I see so many possibilities. I forget what is up there and I really have to have a good look at all the shelves so I don't miss anything. Everywhere there are books that I haven't read. It's like going on a treasure hunt and being very successful.

I have to choose new clothes to wear today and I want to wear something very different than I have been wearing. I have to have a good look in my closet and pick out something fun that I haven't worn for a while. I keep wearing the same sets of clothes, because I think they look good and I'm comfortable in them, but that's silly, of course. I should get out some of the other things. I do have enough to choose from. I must also wear my new boots, which I have been saving for the right moment. Well, today is as good a day as ever.

I told you the coffee would perk me up and it has. I was sitting here as dull as a wallflower and now I am lively and full of myself. It only took a cup and a half and I'm a human being again. That cup of tea just didn't do it for me. Who was I fooling? There's a difference between night and day.

I have to go to the post office today and mail some books for Bookmooch. I keep getting books in the mail myself and there are quite a few underway. That's another reason to make room on the bookcase. I've already looked at it to see what I can move to the bookshelf in the bedroom and it will be a painless thing. I have large binders of administration in one cubbyhole that have no business being there. They look quite unattractive and they should go. I will gladly move them out of there. I will have to buy a smaller bookcase soon, though, and find a place to put it. I will have to look in Ikea and see what they have on offer. My sister has one like I have in a smaller version and it is quite attractive and may just do the trick. I will go to their website and have a look.

I have to take a shower and wash my hair with the blond shampoo. I haven't used it the last few times and now my hair doesn't look quite as nice. The blond shampoo brings out the highlights. If you're a natural blond, I can recommend using it. I have gray hairs sprinkled throughout , but it just looks like I had my hair lightened a bit.

I will go in search of clothes to wear. I will put an outfit together that will be just right. Something cheerful and perky to match my mood. To match my mood on coffee. I do have some idea of what it's going to be . I think I even know which necklace I'm going to wear, but maybe it's going to be a scarf. It depends on how cold it is when I go out to walk Tyke. It is 10C now, so a bit on the cold side. I can take my time because it isn't even light outside yet. That means I can pamper myself after my shower with body lotion and facial cream and really fix my hair well. I won't be in a rush like I usually am.

Have a terrific day, everyone. It's been a pleasure to wile away the very early morning hours with you while you were asleep.

Ciao,
Nora

Don't fear the rain clouds overhead...

I'm eating some fruity gumdrops that I bought at the tobacconist a while ago. I couldn't resist the temptation and bought a big bag of them. They satisfy my taste buds and my stomach very much. The problem is that they fill me up very quickly and that they prevent me from eating anything else, so for now I'm living on candy, which is not a preferable lifestyle. Sometimes I have to throw caution to the wind and live with complete abandonment. I like living dangerously and on the edge. I'm so adventurous!

I had to get two new lighters at the tobacconist, because Tyke had eaten one that I had and the other one was almost out of fuel. All I got after many attempts was one tiny little flame, and speaking of living on the edge, that was just a little bit too scary for me. I didn't know if I could light my next cigarette and the matches that I have are absolutely no good. They are as ineffective as a 120 year old man is in bed. They're not like those Swedish matches that work anytime and anywhere. Swedish men probably do too.

I also had to get trash bags and the tobacconist is very handy, because he stocks those. I was using a plastic bag, but it was getting full and I do like the fact that I don't have to go all the way to the grocery store to get new trash bags. There's nothing worse than standing in line for those. Never mind the fact that I don't like riding my bike across the parking lot there, because you take your life in your own hands when you do. This is because of the drivers of cars who don't count on you being there and have a strong desire to run you over and probably wouldn't stop if they did.

I checked my mail on the way back in and found another book from Bookmooch and that makes the total 4 received with 7 left to come. This book I just got looks very interesting and I can't wait to start it. I think I will sit in the armchair this afternoon and start reading it. I will install myself with a cup of tea and my cigarettes and have a good old read. The book is called Drowning Ruth by Christina Schwarz. It was a #1 New York Times bestseller when it came out 10 years ago. I have a good feeling about this book, call it expectations or instincts, I think I will like it. I look forward to an afternoon of reading to calm my mind. I'm quite excited about nothing at all and everything in general and need a soothing activity. I haven't finished A Place Of Hiding, but I will save that as my nighttime book or finish it when I'm done with this one.

I had the domestic help here and she had some spare time and cleaned the whole bookcase. I'm glad it was done and thanked her profusely. All the dust is gone and she moved all the books out of the way to do it. She is a peach. She also cleaned the CD rack and that was above and beyond the call of duty. I do so appreciate the help. It makes living so much easier. I can keep up with things myself now and take care of the chores that I need to do. Everything is manageable now and I don't feel like the apartment is tumbling down around me.

Actually, everything is starting to look more manageable now that I'm on a lower dose of antidepressants. I feel that I have more mental energy, but that may also be due to the light therapy lamp. I do want to continue decreasing the amount of antidepressants and will discuss that with my psychiatrist when I see him next. I didn't know that it was possible without too many problems or I would have done it sooner. Well, there's always a perfect time to find these things out, I guess now is that time.

It has started to rain again, but we are assured that the weather will get better in the very near future and the meteorologists advised us to go to England for a short vacation, because the weather is so nice there. You lucky English people. There's been damage across the country here because of the storm. We've had so much rain and wind lately. The Netherlands is living up to its image of being a cold and wet country. In two more days it's going to be September and I'm counting on an Indian summer. Oh no, now it's started to thunder too. I'm glad I'm not out there.

I think I will go and read my novel now. It's time for some food for my brain. I haven't read a book that's not a thriller in a while. It will be nice to not read about dead bodies, although there is a mysterious death in this book too. All will be revealed in time.

Have a good day. Think of me here in the rain. Not that I mind...

Ciao,
Nora

Brewing coffee...

I'm learning to brew coffee in my new coffeemaker. How much ground coffee to use for 4 cups or for 6 cups, which translates into 2 or 3 mugs of coffee. I like my coffee strong, so I put heaping spoons full into the filter. It's awful if I don't put enough ground coffee into it, because I end up with a weak brew that I drink nevertheless, because I don't want to waste it, although I would if it were really undrinkable, or so I tell myself. I'm on a learning curve and almost have it right now. I've got good ground coffee, so that's not the problem. It's just measuring the coffee right that's the trick. I do want to be known for my good cups of coffee. I have my reputation to think of.

I slept 10 hours last night after having written my last post. It helped to go to bed late and then sleep in one fell swoop, so I'm going to do that again tonight. I won't worry about what time I go to bed and I'll wait until I'm really good and tired. There will be no more going to bed early before the sun goes down. Going to bed with the chickens. Besides, the sun goes down earlier every evening and pretty soon I would be going to bed at dinnertime. Bed has been so tempting, but I think it has been a way to end the day prematurely and not really a place to go because I was so very sleepy and tired. I can do like I did this evening and take a short nap on the sofa.

I went to see my SPN today under my umbrella. It was raining half an hour before I had to see her, so I walked over there, not willing to go on my bike and get soaking wet. It only takes me 20 minutes to walk over there if I don't dawdle. It was good to see her and we had a nice talk. I told her that I had discovered that as the norm goes, I'm actually quite normal. She was happy to hear that. I think she is glad that I made that discovery, because she wants me to think of myself as normal as possible. I think she likes the fact that I've found out that the population at large is not nearly as sane as I thought it was and that everybody has their issues. I don't need to feel so odd. It's not necessary.

She also felt it was time for the Bright Light Energy Lamp, so I'm going to put it in place tomorrow. I have a spot on my desk where it will fit and I can sit in front of it for at least half an hour every day. I do have to do this in the mornings as much as possible, because it is energizing.

I finished Deja Dead by Kathy Reichs last night and I will begin reading A Place of Hiding by Elizabeth George tonight. As far as I can tell, it is not an Inspector Linley mystery, but a Simon St. James one. I have never had one like it, so it will be a new experience. It will be a thriller and that is the main thing. I do like her thrillers and she does have a fascinating way of telling a story. She is good with details. Deja Dead was gruesome and fascinating as well, but you do have to have nerves of steel. Kathy Reichs does know how to tell a scary story and she goes into great detail about the dead bodies. You have to guard yourself against that. Her books are very suspenseful, though.

I've mooched a couple of books and I have more coming. I have sent books and have one more to send. I'm glad my older sister gave me money that I could use to send those books with. I have a wish list with enough books to choose from for now. As a matter of fact, I've just been terribly distracted and browsed for more books and added those to my list. I had quite forgotten about Doris Lessing and how much I liked her. I have some of her books and read more in the past, but there are many more I want to own. I've also gone to bol.com and added books to my wish list there. It's ever growing and there will never be an end to it.

It's been raining off and on all evening and it's supposed to tomorrow as well. I find it quite cozy. If I had a good coat, I would go out in it. Not that I'm a glutton for punishment. It doesn't come pouring down. They're just gentle showers.

I think I will go change my bed and lie down in it. I'm ready to read that book and I'm ready to go to sleep, I think. I hope I don't wake up in the middle of the night. I must stay in bed and read and try to go back to sleep if I do. I think that's the best solution. I think getting up and drinking coffee is not at all a good idea. Why did I ever think it was? How silly of me.

Tyke's done climbing on the table and has settled down by my feet. He has the right idea. He knows it's bedtime. I think Gandhi has gone out no matter what the weather is like. She does have to prowl the neighborhood. I'm sure she has her dry spots to hang out in.

Sleep tight, have a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

Slippers...

Today was a nice enough day. I did nothing very important at all and that was just fine with me. I am convinced that there ought to be days like that in which I do nothing earth shattering and that are completely forgetful.

Well, let me correct that, it wasn't quite that forgetful. I did have coffee this morning with my sisters so that was a memorable occasion. It's not very often that the three of us sit together and reminisce about love and life. I think my older sister feels a little bit left out because she lives so far away and never gets to share her feelings except over the phone which is a lousy way to do it.

It has been an eye opener to have the three of us together and to see our different strengths and weaknesses. It was like looking into different mirrors and seeing multiple reflections. I very much saw my own strengths and was not disappointed. I measure up pretty well, but I saw strengths in them too and was surprised. I suppose I saw humanity reflected in them more than anything. The basic state of being a human being.

In the afternoon I took a long nap on the sofa because I had only slept 5 hours during the night. That was not enough sleep to make it through the day. I was watching Sail 2010 with the tall sailing ships and gently drifted off to sleep. I was awakened by the loud ringing of the intercom because a delivery person was there with a book I had ordered and the package didn't fit in the mailbox which was highly inconvenient. It's horrible to be awakened like that. That bell rings very loud and it scares you half to death.The other book I had ordered had been sent separately and it had fit in the mailbox because of different packaging. The one hand not knowing what the other hand is doing, I guess.

I had a cup of coffee to clear up the cobwebs in my mind and a piece of Brie against the hunger, that always helps. I do love the flavor of a good piece of Brie and it satisfies me so much. Tyke likes it too. It is our favorite snack.

My younger sister called me at 7 o'clock because she had bought me the slippers that I wanted. I had told her about them and said that I had been looking for them and she had found a pair downtown. After I walked Tyke, I rode my bike over there and tried them on. They fit perfectly and are very comfortable and exactly what I wanted. They are preformed for your foot and the slipper fits high on your arch so it doesn't slide off easily. My sister wouldn't let me pay for them and said they were a gift. My older sister had already given me money so I have been spoiled enough. I have very kind sisters.

We had coffee together out on the patio because the weather had decided to turn nice. There were pretty clouds in the sky and both the sun and the moon were out. The temperature was just right and it's supposed to be warm and sunny tomorrow. That will be a change from the cloudy and cool weather we have had all month. There will be no more rain for the next couple of days.

I have to send away 5 books for Bookmooch and I was worried that no one would want the books that I had listed. Every morning there is a new request. I have to finish mooching books myself, but I have to take some time picking them out. Maybe I'll do that tonight. I feel like staying up for a while because it's so cozy here by the desk lamp with my glass of milk and my cigarette.

Tyke is sitting on the dining room table looking out the window. I gave him special permission and he realizes how lucky he is. He is behaving very well and he's small enough to allow him to do something like this. He thinks he sees all sorts of interesting things outside, but I think they are all illusions. I won't let him know this, though, and let him keep on believing this.

I hope you all had a good day and are about to have a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

Home on the range...

I kept my appointment yesterday at the psychiatric clinic for the enrollment in the different classes because I thought it might be very smart if I did considering my options. I met with the woman in charge and she was very nice and went over my application with me quickly and filled an additional questionnaire out with me. There was really no problem and everything went smoothly. I opted for the creative class and the musical class, although there are waiting lists for both, but I expected that and I'm willing to wait a while.

We stopped by one of the creative classes and I saw someone I knew from one of the creative therapy classes I used to go to and it was very nice to see a familiar face and maybe I will see more people I know. Everybody else in the class looked very normal so I may be worried for nothing at all. The whole process of signing up was pretty painless and no big deal at all. I don't know why I had been so concerned about it. Maybe it was the woman who put me at ease.

After I had done that and taken care of all the formalities, I rode my bike over to my younger sister's house because my older sister was there. She had arrived by train from the North and my younger sister had picked her up from the station at noontime. I had not seen my older sister in quite some time and it was good to see her and when the three of us were together, it was really funny to see the similarities in character in us. Our voices also sound very similar.

We spent the afternoon out on the patio being sisters and taking care of sister's business as sisters do. We straightened each other out and agreed and disagreed.

Late in the afternoon, we took my younger sister's dog to my place and walked the dogs because Tyke had been alone all afternoon. He sure was happy to see me. I think he thought I had abandoned him forever. Afterwards we went for dinner at my younger sister's house and I even managed to eat some spaghetti which I had not eaten in a long time and it was good.We sat at the table for a long time afterwards and talked. I think my older sister wanted to go paint the town red, but we didn't. We were good girls and went to bed on time. At least, I went home at a reasonable time and went to bed before midnight.

I've had some success at Bookmooch and people have mooched 4 books off me. That means I get to mooch quite a few books myself. I have to get the packages ready today and go to the post office. I'll do that this afternoon when I have some spare time.

As good as company is, it is also good to be alone and I am happy when I can be on my own in my own apartment in my own space. It's wonderful to have that time to yourself and to have no one around you. Your own company is the best in the end, that's what you always come home to. Of course, I share my space with the animals so I'm never truly alone, but I do like my alone time.

I've got to get the show on the road. I told my sisters that I'd be there early this morning to have coffee with them. I have to get dressed and walk Tyke and answer emails. I hope I have time to do all that.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Catching up...

Instead of writing blog posts, I've been busy with Bookmooch which I rejoined some time in the middle of the night yesterday. I've entered a short list of books that I'm giving away and I've entered a large list of books that I'm looking for. I've already had one person mooch a book from me and I'm in the process of mooching two books. I think it will become the same addictive activity it was before, with the difference that my list of books to give away will stay short so that I'm not going to spend a small fortune on sending books all over the world all at once. I will add new ones to it as I send books off, that way I keep things under control a bit. I hope that's how it will work out anyway. I know which mistakes I made before and I'll try not to make them again.

I'm now about to drink my second cup of coffee. It's not so very early in the morning for a change. I did sleep till a halfway decent time. I finished "The Drowning Season" by Alice Hoffman last night and I must say that it turned out to be a better book than I thought it was when I was about halfway through it. I started to lose interest in it, because I stopped being caught by it. I thought she was rambling and losing hold of the story, but I kept hanging in there and the ending was superb. I read it in one fell swoop. I've now started reading "Local Girls" which is also a novel by her and am enjoying it so far. It's written with a far different voice and in a totally different tempo, as if this is her true style. I do know one thing, though. I have to reserve judgment on a book until I've completely finished it. It can be full of surprises and you don't know the total effect of it on you until the end.

I've ordered two thrillers by Kathy Reichs. "Bones to Ashes" and "Deja Dead." Because the main character in them is a forensic anthropologist, I'm very fond of these books. I love the science in them and I figured out what happened to one of the murder victim's bodies before it was disclosed. I thought that was pretty savvy of me. No doubt I've watched a lot of thrillers on TV with that kind of science in them. The public gets smart.

I'm mooching two thrillers by Elizabeth George. One mooch has been accepted. I'm waiting to hear about the other one.

My reluctance to go to the creative classes has to do with the fact that they are at the psychiatric clinic and that all the people in the classes will have a psychiatric disorder. I think it is time that I get away from all of that. It is time for me to surround myself with 'ordinary' people. I don't always want to have to deal with people who have an extensive instruction booklet. They are easy people to get to know in that setting, but they are hard people to make friendships with because of their peculiarities and do I really want to? I would like to surround myself with people who have ordinary problems that aren't overwhelming and weird. I'm no longer identifying with psychiatric patients and don't want all my conversations to be about those sorts of problems.

I haven't figured out what the alternative is going to be. I wish there was a halfway solution that didn't immediately throw me in the deep end, but that is where I may have to go. I have to look into the regular circuit and see what's available. I know I don't want to go through life as a sick individual and identify with sick people. I don't want them to be my role models.

It's only going to be 17C today and we're expecting a lot of rain. I have to walk Tyke while it's still dry, although the sky looks threatening now. There's a cold wind blowing as well and I will definitely have to wear a jacket and a warm scarf. Tyke is snoring on the coffee table and oblivious of everything. Gandhi is asleep on the sofa and equally oblivious, but she doesn't have to go out.

First I have to make cigarettes. I do have my priorities straight.

Have a terrific Sunday.

Ciao,
Nora

Another bright and beautiful morning.

I had made a deal with my SPN that I would no longer get up in the middle of the night and stay up and play with the computer until it was morning. This in an effort to get me back to a more normal rhythm in which I might have more energy during the day to undertake things and not be asleep for half of the day. Well, I just about made it. I woke up twice during the night because of night sweats and I had to change the towel I sleep on. The second time I was very uncomfortable, because my arm also hurt, so I did get up for a while and spent some time behind the computer, but luckily, I realized on time that I should go back to bed and I did and woke up at a regular hour. So I did actually sleep a lot, because I went to bed very early last night. I wasn't in the mood to stay up and only wanted to be in bed under the duvet with my book and be nice and warm and read.

Yesterday morning, after I got dressed and walked the dog, I did not clean the apartment as I had so proudly proclaimed. I got my book and laid down on the sofa and read and took a little catnap and Toby took a little catnap on top of me. That's all the effort I put into my morning. When I got up, I had some coffee and cleaned up the kitchen and walked the dog. It was snowing outside and did so for a long time. Still, it was slippery outside in a lot of places and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my footing and hit the deck.

I left an hour early to go to my SPN as I also had to go past the post office to mail two packages. These will be amongst the last packages that I will send, as I have quit Bookmooch. I was spending such an inordinate amount of money each month sending books to people that it just about gave me an ulcer worrying about it and I decided not to do it anymore. I will take some of the money that I spent each month and spend it on discount books I want at Bol.com. I will feel much better doing that. I have to send a few more books, but that will be it.

Luckily, the line at the post office was very short and I was done in no time, leaving me to make my careful way to my SPN's office. There were some tricky areas where things were very slippery, but I did not fall once, so that was good. I got there early and read a women's magazine in the waiting room. I never read those, except in the waiting room, because they give such unrealistic expectations about what a woman's life should look like. It's life seen through rose colored glasses and it bothers me that there is none of the really gritty stuff of life in them. It's not exactly feminist literature.

When I got home again, I had to call the pharmacist and make sure they had gotten my prescriptions for all my medicines and ask them to deliver them to my apartment that evening. Then I called my sister to let her know that I was home so we could go shopping. It was busy at the store, but they always have enough cash registers open so you don't really have to wait in line. I was done quickly, because I knew exactly what I had to get, which is basically always the same, give or take a little, and I was ready to go in no time. But I had to wait for my sister and when she didn't show up, I thought about giving her a call. Just as I was about to, I saw her blond head in the crowd. She had run into an acquaintance and had a chat and met the little boy who was two and adorable and she wanted to take him home with her. You see, puppies and little kids...

At home I had the fun job of putting away the groceries with the help of the animals and I gave the cats their food in the pouches, which they darn near pulled out of my hands, and the dog got his treat. I got a cup of coffee and watched some inane TV program while I made cigarettes. It's a program for people aged 55+ and they think we're all demented and can only handle very simple subjects. No intellect is required. It's so condescending. The problem is that I watched the whole program. That's how lazy I was and somewhat fascinated by it at the same time, because I kept thinking, you're addressing me? It's the same problem as with those women's magazines, no unpleasant subjects are broached.

This novel I'm reading, "Superior Women" by Alice Adams is really good. I can't wait to start reading it every time I put it down. I'm completely fascinated by it. It's got me hooked. It's a little bit dated, but it still makes for a good read.

It's supposed to get up to 4C today, so that means there should be some major melting of the snow. It's -1C now and the sun is shining. The dog is sound asleep and hasn't asked to be let out yet. I think he is getting a little demented. Sometimes he gets stuck in corners and just stands there or he just topples over. He also wanders around aimlessly in little areas as if he's confused. Outside he falls off the sidewalk and he leans his head into the wrong side of the door to get in. I don't mind. I just keep a closer eye on him. He's still a good dog.

Well, I'm getting sleepy, so I better get dressed and take him out in the fresh air. That will do us both a lot of good. These anti psychotics do make me want to fall asleep.

Ciao,
Nora

I'm crazy, but I'm not afraid...

That's the title of a song I'm listening to, so don't get any ideas. I'm plenty scared and not half as crazy as I think I am, so it's only partly true.

I just, after much dawdling, checked my bank account balance and much to my surprise, I had at least twice the amount of money that I thought I would have, which is such a relief, you have no idea. It is like I just got a present that I was not expecting. I checked and made sure that all the bills have been paid and yes, everything seems to be okay, so that's good then. I dawdled, because usually there is less money there than I want there to be and I worry about making it to the next payday, which is a week from today. It means I can go to the post office and mail those packages without worrying about how much it will cost.

I went back to bed this morning and slept a few more hours after which I drank a cup of coffee while extensively petting the dog and then walking him. It's only -1C and cloudy, but the sun is supposed to be out every now and then. Still, it's not warm enough for the snow to melt, but it may be tomorrow when we are expecting rain or snow, depending on what the actual temperature is going to be. We won't ask what I would like for it to be, because that's unrealistic and it won't happen. Needless to say, I want it to be warmer and for all the snow to melt. I've had enough of it. It's been fun, but I want to see the street and the sidewalk again.

I've got a terrible hairdo from alternately sleeping on my hair and wearing my snow hat, I can't be seen out in public without it on, because my hair is sticking up in three different directions. It totally doesn't faze me as long as nobody is around to look at it. I sit here in the privacy of my apartment with sticking up hair and every once in a while I run my hands through it in an attempt to tame it. Sleeping on my right side doesn't help, because it shoves all my hair upwards on that side of my head. A good rain shower would help now and maybe it would bring out the natural curls. Ha, just kidding. I have as much natural curl as a pack of spaghetti. I will stick my head under the bathroom faucet and try to get my hair to lie flat again. Either that or apply wax and hairspray. Water may be better, though. Once you put wax and hairspray in your hair, it gets sticky and you have an even harder time controlling it the next day. You look like a yak caught in a snowstorm.

I've been wearing the same gray cardigan for as long as there is snow now. It's the one item of clothing that's keeping me very warm. As soon as the snow melts, it's going in the laundry, but until that time I'm continuing wearing it. There's usually an item of clothing that I really get attached to and this cardigan is one of them. It's made of wool, partially, and it's very comfortable. It covers my big rear end and it matches whatever I'm wearing. I can change all my clothes and still wear this cardigan over them and I can wear any of my scarves with it.

Speaking of scarves, I would like to buy another one, but that involves going to the clothing store and that is something I'm not quite up to, which is a darn shame. I'm missing out on opportunities with this agoraphobia that is keeping me so close to home and so limited in my movements. I will be glad when it's gone and I can move about again. I would like to go to the little shopping center that's not too far from here and poke around in a few shops for some odds and ends that I need. It's very frustrating not to be able to do that.

Instead of going out, I'm doing a lot more reading. I've finished "Half Broke Horses" by Jeannette Walls and "The Blue Afternoon" by William Boyd. I just finished a collection of short stories by Alice Adams and I started a novel by her yesterday called "Superior Women." I definitely feel the need to read and can't get enough of it, but the problem is that I fall asleep quickly with a book, no matter how exciting it is. It's the serenity and the silence that do it and the fact that I just seem to need a lot of sleep. But the books are great and I'm enjoying them very much. I am kind of reading them randomly and choose whatever I feel in the mood for at the moment. Sometimes I let the title help me decide and sometimes the name of the author, it all depends. A good title will awaken my curiosity, like "Beachcombing For A Shipwrecked God." That sounded very good and it was a good book. I'll look for novels by Joe Coomer again. "The Blue Afternoon" was very good also, that's one of those novels that you think about later on and remember passages of.

I just got the mail and I have 4 new mooched books to add to my collection. They all look very interesting and they are novels I really wanted and I'm lucky I got them, and here they all were in one fell swoop too. I must make room for them on the bookcase, because they deserve a place of honor. I don't have any of these authors yet, but I'm very excited about having them. Dorothea Benton Frank, Clare Boylan, Kaye Gibbons and Carol Goodman. And that's the only mail I got too. No bills! Isn't that nice? A woman on her own deserves a break now and then and I seem to be getting mine today. I'm very pleased.

I just took the dog out for a walk, because he was looking at me with those eyes from about a foot away. Those Bambi eyes. It turned out he didn't have to do anything urgent, he just wanted a stroll around the neighborhood. I can't blame him. He wants to sniff in all the familiar places and explore some of the less familiar ones and see if there is anything edible underneath the snow, which I then have to keep him from devouring. He has less than discriminating tastes and I don't know what will quickly disappear in his mouth once he's found something. I have to pull him away from anything that looks suspicious as fast as possible and he does know how to throw his weight into it. He's a strong dog for an old man.

Well, I'm going to read for a while. The afternoon is drawing to an end and soon it will be dark. It still have to move that lamp to the armchair so I can sit there and read. I hope sitting there will prevent me from falling asleep, as opposed to hanging out on the sofa.

Have a good evening, or whatever time of day it is over at yours.

Ciao,
Nora

So early in the morning, tra la la...

I'm sitting here with my bathrobe and my slippers on being cold and it isn't really cold in here at all, it is just the suggestion of cold, because it is so cold and snowy outside. It's -6C and snowing and I just let Jesker out back for a piddle and it was freezing! Well, of course, it's -6C.

I haven't had enough sleep yet and shortly I will go back to bed, but I had to get up for a while and have some coffee and my cigarettes and sit here very cozily behind the computer, as is my habit in the morning. I went to bed late last night, because I wasn't paying attention to what time it was and it got away from me and before I knew it, it was late and past my bedtime. I like to be in bed by 10 o'clock at the latest, but it was well after 11 before I got under the covers last night. Then I woke up at 4:30 this morning and thought I was done sleeping. Well, I'm not, obviously, but I am going to take my medicines and have some breakfast first and then get back under the duvet. I'm looking forward to that already.

I got my card swap package all ready to go. I've put together quite a package of cards and papers, both old and new. I have a whole collection of old postcards that I could chose from and I picked out the prettiest ones. I also put in new cards and pretty papers to use for collages. This is the first time I have participated in a swap, so it is a whole new terrain for me and I have to figure out how to best do it. I'll see when I get my package how it's best done. I'm very curious to see what will be in it.

I think today I will get the photo agendas. I'm kind of counting on it. If I get them on time, I may be able to walk to the post office, if not, I will have to wait until next week. I have found out that walking somewhere is easier than riding my bike. I feel less vulnerable. I suppose that I feel like less of a target. There was a time when I used to walk into downtown several times a week. Maybe I will be able to do that again. I would take the bus, but it's too expensive. I could take the bus part of the way there and then walk the rest of the way. I'll see. Walking would be good for me.

I've gotten three mooched books in the mail in the past two days and have to find room for them on the bookcase. They are so nice looking and come from very caring owners. The kind that don't break the spine of a book. Toby has gotten in the habit of sleeping in the bottom cubicle of the bookcase behind a row of books. I keep empty envelopes there and he likes to sleep on top of them with the result that he knocks the books over. I will have to pack them in so tightly that he won't be able to do that anymore. Ha, there's a method to my madness. I like to pack the books in tightly, so they will stay in place, right on the edge and I won't have to dust there. Believe me, I always have a lot of dust and less than enough interest in dusting. Sometimes I get very industrious and move all the books and clean the whole bookcase, but that only happens a few times a year.

Well, now I have to take my medicines and eat breakfast and go back to bed for a few more hours sleep. I feel in my bones that I need to do that. I will be full of happiness when I wake up again.

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Strong Coffee...

I fell asleep on the on the sofa at 4:30 pm and woke up two hours later having had a very nice nap. It didn't take much to fall sleep. All I had to do was lie down and close my eyes and I was gone. I remember having to share the pillow with Toby and when I woke up he was still there. It was a wonderful nap, very restorative and one that I absolutely needed, but then again, I need all my naps. There is never a nap that I take that is not a very much needed nap. I always feel that if I don't go lie down right then, I will topple over on the spot and fall on my head and get a concussion. Such is my great need to go lie down and forget everything else. That's why I didn't quite get my chores done today, almost, but not quite.

I did get the kitchen floor squeaky clean with the scrub sponge and some elbow grease and all that nasty evidence of food spillage by the animals is gone. I also mopped the hallway where my bicycle had dripped a huge amount of mud onto the linoleum from the dirty snow outside. I scrubbed the kitchen counter that never seems to get clean enough and always had various stains on it, because it is made of steel with a pattern in it and I dislike it very much. It's a pain to clean and must have been invented by a man who never cleaned kitchen counters. I'm sure of it. I took a break after each job, because my back is bothering me, but other than that there was no problem. It's just the same old spot that always bothers me, right in the middle of my back. It's my weak spot.

I've decided to feed the cats on the kitchen counter from now on, because they spill their kibbles so much and I'm always having to sweep up the spillage out from underneath the kitchen radiator and it is too much work. If I feed them on the counter it will be easier to clean up after them and the dog will not be tempted to eat their food, while he ignores his own kibbles. I don't know why it took me so long to think of this, but there you have it. They sit on the counter half of their lives anyway, so I may as well feed them there too.

For a treat I had a tall glass of fruit juice and peanut butter eaten straight from the jar with a little teaspoon. It was great. It is one of my favorite treats and I like it as much as eating chocolates. I can't eat too much of it, because I do get full quickly, but I savor it while it lasts. Now, I could eat many more chocolates than I could eat peanut butter, but I won't buy the chocolates, because I will eat one box in one sitting and make myself sick eating them. I adore chocolates with a creamy filling. I like real bonbons the best. Chocolates melt in your stomach really well, so I can eat a lot of them without getting full too fast.

Now I'm having my last cup of coffee. I didn't realize what time it was. I'm staying up past my bedtime, but that's okay, I don't have to be at my sister's house until 11 am tomorrow. If I'm smart, I'll sleep late so I won't feel like I have to take a nap while I'm there. That would be highly embarrassing. Imagine having to fall asleep while you're visiting someone. "Excuse me, but I have to go home now to sleep, or let me lie down on your nice sofa here." I can see my sister's face now.

I got another mooched book in the mail today. So far, I've mooched 70 books and I'm waiting for 10 more. I've given away 27 books and just sent 10 and have to send 14 more. So, I'm not doing too badly. I'm starting to run out of room on my bookcase and will have to do a bunch of rearranging. I'm trying to keep all the unread books together, but I may not be able to. They may disappear in the collection. That won't be such a horrible thing, as long as I don't forget about them.

You all know that I have my books arranged by color. That is, all but the mooched books. They are separate. There's a huge temptation to add them to the color arranged books, but I'm afraid of losing track of them and forgetting what I already have. I suppose I could make a list of books that I've mooched. That would be one solution. Actually, that is not such a bad idea, now that I think of it. It would solve that problem quickly, because now I always have to get up and walk to the bookcase and check. Mmm... this sheds a whole new light on my arrangement of the books. I will have to think about that. This may be a little Eureka moment. Watch me rearrange my books now at this hour of the night when I'm at my most brilliant.

It's 2C outside so it is definitely not freezing anymore and tomorrow it's going to be 5C and raining. That's not the weather that was forecast some time ago when they were talking about a white Christmas, but maybe that is for the best, because otherwise there would be traffic jambs. Now, when it is 5C outside, it feels positively warm. There are still icy patches of snow in the places where the sun never shines, but most of it is gone, thank goodness, because it was making a mess.

Alright, I'm wishing you all a merry Christmas and lots of good cheer and lots of good food to eat in good company. Even if that means just the two or one of you with your animal(s).

I've got a job to do!

Ciao,
Nora

Sunday later in the day...

After I wrote my post this morning, and spent some time downloading more wallpaper, I took the dog for a walk in the snow. It was cold outside and there was a wind blowing from the south and it was not warm as you might expect it to be, all warm things coming from the south. It was a cold wind and whipped around me with snow flurries and I shivered and made the dog hurry as quickly as possible. When I got home, I immediately changed clothes, because what I was wearing wasn't warm enough and I dug into my closet to find warmer clothing. Now I'm wearing things I haven't worn in quite some time, but I'm much more comfortable. I couldn't fit into last year's skinny jeans, but they wear always a questionable size, so I'm not surprised. Instead, I'm wearing two pairs of leggings and the top pair is Turkish and are more like pants with a skirt attached to them over which I'm wearing a long sleeved tunic, under which I'm wearing a long sleeved T-shirt.

I wore my woolly hat pulled down to my eyebrows the second time we went out, because it hasn't stopped snowing all day, but the dog got snowed on and little clumps of snow collected on his long ears. My boots served their function well and kept my feet dry and warm, they are good boots. We have to go out again in a little while and will have fun walking around in the thick layer of snow that may be gone again tomorrow, because it's going to be 2C and it's going to rain. I would rather have snow than rain, but the rain is only supposed to be an interlude and then we will have snow again. We may have a white Christmas.

I didn't waste my day, but got 10 books ready to ship and it was a lot of work, because I have to find the right envelope to fit the book in and get it in good enough shape to get it to close again and take the address label. I use used envelopes that people have sent me books in and so far it has worked well, but it is extra work to make them look presentable. Then I have to find the right book to go with the right address, but I have a whole system for that and it goes like clockwork. I make all the address labels first and write on the back of each which book goes with it, so when I get ready to fix that package, I get the book off the shelf and not sooner. It prevents confusion.

I was going to keep being this industrious and pay my bills, only to find out that my check had not been deposited in my bank account yet. So that kind of put a cramp in my style. I hope it's there on Monday. Instead of paying bills, I will have to hang up the laundry. That will be industrious too.


I just walked the dog again and it is less cold outside. There is hardly any wind and is has stopped snowing. There are footsteps in the snow everywhere and sled tracks. People have swept the sidewalks in front of their houses leaving little treacherous snowy patches that are slippery, so you'd rather just walk in the snow. All good intentions go astray.

Oh no, after I came home from walking the dog the first time this morning, I didn't immediately change my clothes. I went back to bed first. I slept for 3 more hours! How could I have forgotten that? It was wonderful and ever so cozy in bed. I had my book and I had eaten breakfast and I was warm and snug under the duvet and I think this is a very good habit to keep, because I am cold when I get home and I do always want some more sleep and there is no better place to be than in bed with my book. As a matter of fact, I am yawning now and I will have to try an draw out bedtime as long as possible so I don't go to bed too early, but isn't sleeping wonderful? I think it is one of my hobbies. I'm a connoisseur of sleep.

The problem with the woolly hat is that it ruins your hairdo. It makes your hair totally flat and stick to your skull so you look like a monkey. You can't be seen in polite company like that and you should just keep your hat on. No wonder that society women never take their hats off when they are at a function. They would look ridiculous. I'm already constantly wearing my scarf, I should just constantly wear my woolly hat too. I'm sure I would be thought of as eccentric and then I would start to wear purple. Possibly I would start wearing long underwear too and always be warm, and fingerless gloves.

I'm very happy in my Turkish pants. They keep me warm and the skirt keeps me modest under my tunic, because the tunic is just a bit too short to wear as a mini dress. If I were a teenager, I'm sure I could get away with it, but I'm an old woman and can't. I do always have to keep my age in mind when I dress, because I can't do the things I'd always like to do and that is dress without a care in the world and just put on whatever I feel like. There are limits to what I can get away with, although my legs aren't bad looking from a certain point down. I'm always very happy to be wearing leggings, because they cover up many details that I don't care to show, although I don't have anything as unsightly as varicose veins, knock on wood!

I have more tunics in my closet that I haven't worn in a while and I have another pair of Turkish pants in another color, so I'm all set for the cold weather. Not to speak of cute little sweaters that can go over them if need be. Layers, that's what it takes. I'm all set for the cold, although I still despise riding my bike in it and would so very much prefer to own a car and be warm and comfortable in one. Let's face it, though, There is no car in my future. Unless it's one of those little things that's only allowed to go 45km an hour and for which you need a scooter license. That's such a typical old people car and I would feel very funny driving one, but I wouldn't hesitate if I could get one. If they gave me one, that is.

I'm used now to taking only two tablets of anti psychotics. I don't feel funny anymore. I take one during the day and the other one at night and that seems to work just fine. I don't think I can wait with the one during the day and take it later, but it isn't necessary. It's not making me drowsy once I've had enough sleep. I always worry a bit about decreasing my medication, because I don't know what effects it will have on me, but I really only had one bad day and one not so bad day. Today I was fine and didn't notice anything adverse. I thought I was going to have a tougher time longer.

Well, it's time to go hang up the laundry and put the trash outside. Brrr... I'll have to go out there again. I'll concentrate on the laundry first, that's much more pleasant. Oh, and I have to put away all the clothes that I wore last week that didn't go into the laundry basket. It's always something. I don't like putting away my clothes because the closet is too full.

Have a nice evening and try to stay warm by the fire, if you have one.

Ciao,
Nora

In the middle of the night.

I went to bed at 10 pm and found myself awake again at 2:30 am. There was nothing to do but to get up and make myself a cup of coffee and turn on the computer and enjoy the extremely wee hours of the early morning. There is still snow outside, but it doesn't look as if more fell since last night, leaving us with a thin powdery layer that right now is getting frozen at -4C. I do so like being up at this hour of the night and try to think of all sorts of things I could do now that I'm up and feeling well, besides writing this post and reading the blogs that I'm behind on. There are still the floors to mop...

It's too bad that I can't change the living room around anymore. I've done all I can do there. There's not a piece of furniture that needs moving, nor a picture that needs rehanging. From this point forward it is only cleaning that I have left to do and that, of course, is much less fun. I'm waiting for a burst of energy to come along and make me grab a bucket of suds and get to scrubbing. I've just made myself a second cup of coffee, so with a little bit of luck my burst of energy will come soon. Caffeine induced energy. I'll take it anyway it comes. A little bit of it will be of my own.

I'm almost done with 'Beachcombing for a Shipwrecked God' and it's turned out to be a surprisingly good novel and quite adventurous even at the end. I have a few pages left to read, but fell asleep last night with it. Then comes the big choice of what to read next, because I have so many books to pick from. I got two in the mail yesterday and they look good too. There are some novels I'm unable to get and it's frustrating me to no end. People who only send inside their own country have them and that's a lost cause. You can't even approach them. Bookmooch is very strict about that. There's no way to finagle your way into their hearts.

Well, it's slowly turning into morning, because I'm sitting here poking around as usual. Paying attention to everything around me as I try to write this. I'm also listening to music, which is slightly distracting me, as I've never heard this singer before. Or band, I suppose it is. I like weird music, but it can be a little too weird sometimes and then I just sit spellbound listening to it. I always imagine being young and being the lead singer in a band myself and what kind of music I would like it to be and I'm sure I would not like it to be middle of the road music. It would have to be slightly odd and unique.

I wonder how sleep inducing it is to write a blog post and how sleep inducing it is to read one or many of them. They are such very passive activities, aren't they? You use such few muscles and your brain doesn't get overly involved either, unless you're writing a masterpiece. We all know I'm not writing one of those today. I'm just chit chatting. Making noise on the screen. I have to go off and find a passionate activity to do, such as mopping the floors...

I'm just a little bit cold sitting here and I may turn up the heater just a notch. On the other hand, if I'm going to be physically active, I won't need to. I'm awfully hungry too and may eat breakfast early. I just hope it won't make me groggy.

Alright, I'm off to find my bucket. I saw it last in the bathroom, so that's where I'm headed.

I hope you all have a wonderful morning when you wake up and that you will be full of good cheer.

Ciao,
Nora

What's in a name?

I've decided, as of this morning, to not be depressed any longer, because being depressed is a horrible state of mind to be in and I don't like it one bit. I hate the way it discolors your perspective on life and paints you into the corner colored black. I don't want to be there, so I'm calling whatever is wrong with me no longer a depression, but a low pressure system, just like they occur in the weather. I don't like the label 'depression' and the connotations it has. A low pressure system is something completely different and means to me something less oppressing and damaging and something for which you batten down the hatches, but which you survive very well by being smart and prepared. I don't have to go hide in the basement behind a concrete wall, but I can move around freely in my house and watch the storm pass, as long as I make sure the doors and windows are closed properly and the roof is leak proof.

I guess my point is, that I don't want to be a helpless patient who undergoes a depression as if she has no will of her own to step out of it and to deny it its right to exist. I am denying it in the first place by not letting it have its name. I'm denying it in the second place by not living up to its expectations, because I'll be damned if I'm going to sit helplessly in a corner with my duvet pulled up to my ears. I'm going to decide for myself how I'm going to behave under this low pressure system and what I am and am not going to do.

One thing I won't do, because I simply refuse to, is feel like shit. Oh sure, maybe I will feel like it half of the time, but the other half I won't and I'll take advantage of that. When I feel like shit, I'll sleep, and when I don't, I'll be active. The minute I feel myself sinking into the pit, I'll lie down on the sofa and go to sleep until I'm all done with that and feel better again and I'll keep doing that repeatedly, because I can do it endlessly, I'm not worried about that. At the moment I sleep during the day and very well during the night.

I'm also not going to worry about all the things I find myself not capable of doing right now. If I find that I have the energy for one or two of them, then that's great, but if I don't, I'm not going to beat myself up about them. I'll assume nothing, so anything I do manage to do is a plus. Taking care of my state of mind is my fist prerogative now and if I can do a good job with that then I'll be mighty pleased. I have no bigger ambitions.

I talked on the phone with my psychiatrist yesterday and he had been fully informed about my condition by my SPN, bless her soul. He very carefully went over my medications with me and prescribed 10 mg Temazepam to take during the day, only if I really needed it, and extra Oxazepam before I go to sleep at night. I'm going to save the Temazepam for dire situations, because I know he doesn't like for me to take all this stuff and I do have to be able to do without it eventually.

I got my first Christmas present in the mail yesterday. Laurie of Three Dog Blog sent me two books by Alice Adams. Of course, I'm thrilled with them, because I couldn't get them at Bookmooch. I do now have to start my fifth new cubicle of books on my bookcase. That means I have to rearrange some things. I do it with much pleasure and can't wait to put the new books there along with some others that came in the mail. The ones Laurie gave me are not going to be mooched, of course. Some books are keepers.

My dog is patiently waiting to be walked by me who just fed him. He is laying here by my feet watching for positive movement. I am a very cruel person indeed to make him wait such a long time. Well, actually he's been out back for a long piddle. Now he's got to go mark his territory and do the rest.

I'll get the show on the road then and let the poor beast out.

I'm going to try not to write any posts when I am in a downward movement and I have already deleted many attempts. I hope I keep deleting those that are just plain depressive. Oh, there's that word again.

I hope you all have a good day. We're expecting rain, but who isn't?

Ciao,
Nora

Sense and sensibility...

I just made an attempt at mooching two more books over at Bookmooch. I'll find out if I was successful soon. I have my fourth cubicle on the bookcase filled up with mooched books and have to make room for a fifth one. Greediness doesn't come into play at all, of course! No, really! Well, the truth is, that whenever I have any points, I spend them on mooching books as quickly as I can, because my wish list is long. There are many people in the States who have good books, but who only send inside their own country, so I have to take advantage of books that are offered in European countries or other countries closer by. That's not always easy, not if I want to get the books that are on my wish list. I do deviate from it sometimes and try something else, but then I usually just end up enlarging my wish list to include that author as well. That got me to try Margaret Drabble's novels again and David Gutenberg, whom I had never read before. Some novels that I mooch I have read before through books borrowed from the library, but I want to reread them and own my own copy of them, like Beloved from Toni Morrison, a hauntingly beautiful book. I'm also trying to get as many books from Alice Adams as I can, but it is hard. I'm going to have to do another search for more of her books and see if I missed any.

In the meantime, I'm sitting here yawning and that is a good sign for the night to come. It will hopefully mean I'll have another good night's sleep like I had last night. I was so awfully cozy in bed and when I tried to read my book before I went to sleep, none of it made any sense at all, because I was incapable of reading it. I was too sleepy to be able comprehend what I was reading and it is the last story in the collection of stories by Alice Adams and especially poetic as she talks about her childhood home and she describes the garden and all the growing things in it. I remember thinking to myself that she was not making any sense at all and that she must be writing in some very special language and that I obviously needed to pay special attention and that I was not capable of it at all, try as I might. It was like being in the Twilight Zone.

I think my days off are not so very good for me at all. I sit and fret too much and don't actually get anything done, because I'm too busy being anxious about things. It would be different if I were actually productive, but today was another wasted day and I don't have much to show for it. I must make a change in that and get a different start to the day. Start off with more momentum and keep it going somehow. The computer is also taking up too much of my time and I have to do something about that. I allow myself to waste many precious hours behind it and turn it on first thing in the morning, instead of waiting until I have gotten some things done first. I waste the first hours of the day behind it, when I could be more productive doing other things. It's a habit I'm going to have to break. I'm a junkie, that's for sure. I must stop being one. My whole day revolves around the computer and it must stop.

Resolution made.

It's an awful lot of fun to sit here in the evenings, though, and and write my thoughts down. I shouldn't do that in the morning when I don't have the proper time for it, except on the weekends maybe. I do enjoy the serenity of the evenings and the peace and quiet and the idea that nothing else is required of me. That's why I need to fill my days in differently and be more productive, so that the evenings really will be those resting points that they are meant to be. The dog has the right idea. He makes sure he's eaten well and that he's made his pit stops and settles down for the evening, only coming around to be petted every now and then. I guess what a body needs is consistency and structure and I'm not giving myself that. I think that's what's causing the anxiety, I'm not living a structured life. I'm the only one who can change that.

Tomorrow morning I have creative therapy. It will be the last Wednesday class. I will work on my silly pen and ink drawing that I have no idea of what it's supposed to be. Maybe I'll do something completely different as long as I can finish it in one morning. I like working with the pen and ink and would like to invest in them myself and also get the colored inks. They are a lot of fun to work with. I like them better than working with paints. I like how they are just a bit transparent, yet cover the spaces quickly. You can use any size brush and work as small or as large as you want with them. Or just use the pen and draw. I have a lot of ideas of what I could do with colored inks if I had them myself. I'm going to look for them when I go to Action and hopefully they'll have them there and they won't be too expensive. I am participating in a Card Exchange in January and would like to make some of my own cards and the inks would be prefect for that.

After that, I have one more creative class on Friday and that will be it. Then I have some time off until the therapy starts at the SPC. That stands for the Social Psychiatric Center, by the way. It's almost the same in Dutch as it is in English. Het Sociale Psychiatrisch Centrum. I'll miss my creative classes, but I think it will also be good to do something different in a different location with a different therapist. It will give me a whole new point of view and maybe I'll learn new techniques and discover hidden talents. A new environment can be stimulating and release new ideas and give me courage to try new things. I sure hope that I don't start repeating myself and redo all the things I have done so far just to prove that I can do it. I already know what I want to start with there. I have the idea about that fixed in my head and it has to do with aboriginal art. I saw some examples of it there and I want to try it myself.

Alright, it's time for me to go to bed. First I will take my medicines and have something to eat. Then I will get my books and go lay me down to read and, perchance, to sleep. Well, I better. I have to get up early.

I hope you will all have a good night and that your morning will bring you good weather. Unfortunately, it's going to rain here, which is really a bummer. I do so dislike getting wet, but you already knew that.

Ciao,
Nora

Thursday early in the morning.

I was so tired after a, for me, intensive day yesterday, that I went to sleep at 9 pm, even after I had taken a nap on the sofa in the late afternoon and slept through the alarm clock at 6 pm, which is amazing with its incessant beeping. Since it was in the bedroom, it did lower the impact of the sound somewhat, yet normally I can hear it very well, but obviously I was in a coma and oblivious of everything. It was Jesker who woke me up eventually, because he needed to go out and was making very urgent noises right by my ear.

I did manage to make it to creative therapy and worked on my fantasy pen and ink drawing, which really is nothing special at all and I think I am just wasting my time on it and it is going to end up rolled up on top of my closet and never see the light of day again. That's not because I'm down on myself, but because I absolutely don't like what I'm doing and am just filling up my time. I only have one more class to go to on Wednesday next week and that is it.

I did get the proper form to request an intake for the SPC and mailed it to my SPN so she can fill it out and get the ball rolling on that process, It shouldn't take long. Mostly it's a question of formalities, which is good, because I got a letter with an appointment in the mail yesterday from Social Services to talk about my situation and where I stand in the reintegration process. I think that's just a formality too, as I think it's been a year since I was there last. They probably want to make sure I'm still as nuts as ever.

In the afternoon it started to rain again, so I had to wait for it to stop until I could run my errands, because I was not about to get soaked on my bike. Finally, at 2:30, it stopped raining and I took all the books that had to be mailed and went to the little post office first, where the damage to my wallet was not as bad as it could have been, so I heaved a sigh of relief.

Then I did my grocery shopping, in the most economical fashion, and I really took my time and compared prices, because I was buying things I normally don't buy and I was also trying to buy enough groceries to last me for a week. It's fun to buy new items and comparison shop and see how much difference there is in price and the assumed quality of the product, which can never be bad if you shop at a good supermarket. They've got they're reputation at stake, after all. I do buy the store brand if I can.

When I got that done and had filled the bike bags and the shopping bag, I stopped by the tobacco shop for my weekly supply of tobacco and got home just in time before the next shower hit. It's more fun to put the groceries away when you have new items and it is especially fun when you have three animals helping you. They always assume that I've brought home stuff for them and they assume right. I always give them something to eat, even if I already had that in the cupboards, because they don't know the difference. The dog always gets a bone and the cats get fresh kibbles. It's a ritual.

In an effort to eat healthier, and to lose weight, I had decided that I didn't want to live on porridge anymore, although I love the stuff and can eat mountains of it. That's just the problem. I had bought very thin sliced black rye bread and light mayonnaise and three kinds of luncheon meats. I have discovered that I can eat one slice of rye bread with two slices of luncheon meat at the time, and that I can eat another one an hour later. And I am satisfied then. I started off with salami and it was so good. It was the best thing I've tasted in a long time and it was nice to chew my food for a change. I have to chew it well, keeping in mind my gastric band, but all goes well and one slice is just enough. Rye bread is high in vitamin B, iron, zinc, potassium, magnesium, fiber and calcium. So that and drinking low fat milk and multi vitamin fruit juice should keep me in good shape. I have to lose 12 kilos, believe it or not. That's what eating all that porridge did for me. That's 26 pounds. Picture that in your head.

Well, anyway, I'm going back to bed for just a little while to sleeps some more. I think it's too early to be up already. I've taken my medicines and the start of the day can wait for a bit. I've got a better thing to do.

Have a good morning you all.

Ciao,
Nora

Wednesday in the morning.

Well, I managed to sleep through the night. It wasn't a super long night, but I did it anyway. I went to sleep at 12:30 am and woke up at 6 am. That was after I had fallen asleep on the sofa for a few hours in the evening, which I had promised myself I wouldn't do, but did anyway. The urge to sleep was stronger than the urge to stay awake. Now I am still yawning, but I think a few cups of strong coffee will take care of that.

Yesterday was another blustery, rainy day, although it was not as bad as the day before, and I decided not to go out on my bike at all. That meant I did no grocery shopping and I had to make do with what was in the kitchen cupboards. Luckily, there was enough there to eat and there even was enough dog and cat food, so we managed fine, but today I really have to go to the grocery store, otherwise we will be eating dry vermicelli.

I cleaned up that cubicle in the bookcase I had talked about earlier to make room for the latest mooched books. There was a big stack of paperwork lying there that I had to sort through and decide about what to keep and file away in a folder and what to toss out. So I did that and found some interesting bits of paper that I filed away that I had forgotten about. Now I know I've got them and where they are. I think the covenant of my divorce is very important, for example. I knew it was there, but I had never put it in a proper place. A lot of that stuff could be tossed out, though, as it was obsolete, meaning it was interesting a year ago, but not now. I put the books in the cubicle and they nearly filled it up, so soon I will have to reorganize another one, because I have 15 more books coming. Oh, but it's nothing but fun and all for a good cause.

Then I did a week's worth of dishes. Yes really, I didn't have a clean teaspoon left over, nor a clean coffee cup. I do let that go, you know? I keep stacking them up, until I realize they need to be washed and then I put them all in the sink to soak in hot sudsy water, but the plug of the sink doesn't fit well and very slowly the water leaks out, until I am left with an empty sink full of dishes. Then I think, "Oh, the heck with it!" and I put it off until the next day, except that everything seems so chaotic and I get discouraged from looking at them and another day gets wasted. I feel ten feet tall when I get them done and you would think I had washed enough dishes for an orphanage, when in reality it amounts to hardly anything. That's why I think I need a dishwasher. All those who agree raise their hand.

I'm trying to get some things better organized in the apartment, like the chest of drawers in the living room in which everything gets shoved that doesn't have a home. I need to go through them again and toss things out, and doesn't everybody have a junk drawer that is an absolute mystery to them as to what exactly the contents are? I know I have candles and mousetraps in mine, amongst other things and god only knows what else and I think I'm going to keep it that way and never really clean it up. I would just have to start another junk drawer with all the junk I'd find. Well, I'm not planning on moving any time soon, so I don't have to worry about boxing up my junk and having to find a new space for it.

Now I have to get the show on the road. It's time to get dressed and walk the dog. I have to go to creative therapy. I mustn't miss it. I have a busy day ahead of me. I'm not sure how much I like that. It's the riding my bike part that I don't like. Not in this weather.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora