Outside it is raining...

I'll admit right from the start that I'm in a bit of a funk, so this may not become the most cheerful post I've ever written. I've just allowed a wave of memories to wash over me and that was triggered by an email of one of my blogger friends who unwittingly got me thinking about my past and this released a whole slew of images and thoughts and unresolved issues in my mind and a lot of sore feelings and regrets. They are all things that I have to learn to live with and that I normally keep at bay, but every once in a while there is an opening and it all comes bubbling to the top. Well, actually, it's more like a mini eruption and I realize what I walk around with still and how that never will be resolved, unless I go into therapy with my first ex-husband and have about 20 sessions with him in order for me to heal. Well, maybe that's exaggerating it a little bit, but it would be a lot of work, because there is so much sadness and resentment there. Then again, maybe there is so much there, that it would be like a huge destructive force that would destroy everything and maybe it's better if it's left alone and put away forever. Yet I wonder how much it influences my daily life and how it determines the things I do and say. I think maybe it makes a big impact.

Okay, I'm taking a deep breath and allowing myself to come back in the here and now. This is where I am and this is where I function. I have to do that to the best of my ability and make a success of it and not stumble and fumble and fall down too often. I have to remember to stay grounded and to not let the past immobilize me and render me paralyzed with its power over me. I've got a second chance to do it right and to show the world that I do know how to function well and that my head is screwed on straight and that I can take a beating and come up fighting. I was so cast down after the first time, so mortally wounded and so very much near death that I didn't think I was going to survive it. I didn't want to survive it for a long time. I kept on living because doing the opposite is very difficult, selfish as that sounds to people who cling to life. If I don't keep everything at bay, my death wish grows and I give up.

That's why I have to make the effort to come back to the period in time in which I am living now and to stay there and to always live in this moment, like a true Buddhist. To not look back and to not look too far ahead, but to be present now and here this very minute. Me, sitting here behind the computer, while the dog sleeps on his blanket and outside it is dark and it rains. That's where I find my peace. I hear the rain dripping down and I like the sound of it. I hope it will stop in a while, though, because I have to walk the dog one more time and neither one of us likes to go out in the rain.

Actually, it is very cozy in here with the lights on and the darkness outside. It makes me feel like when I was a child and everybody was home and we were gathered in the dining room, sitting around the table each doing various things that kept us occupied. My mother knitting, my father reading and my older sister and I making things with paper and crayons and glue. See, I do have some happy memories.

I've just fed the dog two slices of rye bread with grilled luncheon meat. He likes it very much. I've decided I'm not going to eat it myself anymore. It's too painful an experience for too little food. I'm left hungry and unable to eat more and all I can think about is food. This afternoon I had a bowl of porridge and it was so very satisfying that I'm still full from it. I will only need a glass of fruit juice before I go to bed, probably. When I think about eating a slice of rye bread with luncheon meat, I feel a terrible distaste and I put it off as long as I can, until I feel faint with hunger. I figured that was no good either.

I think it has stopped raining, so I will take out his majesty. He's been begging to go for a while now. In between begging, he falls sound asleep.

Sleep tight, have a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

Wasting no time and dressed warm enough.

Because it's such miserable weather outside, stormy and rainy with gusts of cold wind, I have dressed in a double layer of clothes this morning and I am so pleasantly warm, that I am surprised at myself for not having thought of it sooner, because I was suffering for naught and being very unhappy in the cold and hating every moment of it. Now I am nicely warm, in the apartment too even, although it isn't really cold in here, but it just feels that way. I've got my green scarf wrapped loosely around my neck and am wearing my comfortable boots with my thickest socks and I'm toasty warm. I don't feel a draft around my legs, because I'm wearing two pairs of leggings. It's true, I only imagine I feel a draft and think my knees are getting cold, but the power of suggestion does a lot to a body. I don't even want to imagine that I'm cold, I want to feel that I'm really insulated. I'm wearing a long sleeved stretch t-shirt under my long sleeved top too, so my top half is also warm.

This made a huge difference when I got on my bike this morning, cursing the weather and praying that it wouldn't rain again, and I almost made it to creative therapy without getting wet, but I was warm.

The good thing about waterproof mascara is that you don't look like a raccoon when you arrive at your destination. All these things you have to think about. You could wear a hat, but it will make your hair flat and funny and you will look like a goof ball and no amount of fussing with you hair will set it right. Without a hat, there is a chance that it will get wet and that in combination with your hairspray will also give you a funky effect when you try to rub it dry with a towel. You will look like a punker and that is very hip and modern if you don't mind that look. I personally mind it less than the flat and funny look, which makes me look like a nun without her head cap on.

I always wait for the rain to stop and I say many wishful little prayers and make deals with a higher being. As soon as it stops raining, I rush out on my bike and try to get wherever I'm going before it rains again. Sometimes I make it and sometimes I don't. Sometimes it starts to rain when I'm out walking the dog and he picks that moment to decide he's found a very interesting spot to sniff for a very long time, until it dawns on him that it is raining and that he doesn't like that and we can go home. Needless to say, we´re wet by that time. Luckily, I don´t much mind the smell of wet dog and it disappears when he is dry again.

The gusts of wind make you feel cold through and through and that is really what you have to dress for. It´s more miserable than a cold freezing day without wind.

My sister came and picked up the paintings from creative therapy today. All five of them and it was the first time she saw them. She liked them a lot and told me to sell them for a lot of money. I´ve got them stacked against the wall of my bedroom now and I don´t rightly know what to do with them. I´ll have to ponder on it for a while. I suppose I can hang some of them up on the wall space that I have left, but I don´t have room for all five of them and I really should try to sell them, but I don´t know how yet. I´ll think about that. The problem is, that I´m attached to everything I make and only want them to go to people I like. The other thing is that I like a lot of people and if I knew they got good homes, it would be good advertising for me too. Like the collages. I could send those to people in a tube, if I knew they would get properly framed at their destination. I know one person who has a shop. I need to get in touch with her and see about selling my stuff there. I also want to frame some things for myself to hang up in the living room.

So you see, you create and create, but what do you do with it? That´s the question.

I was tired of lugging cans of dog food home with me, so I went to a pet store on line and ordered dog food there. I figured out what I spend at the store every month and then picked out what I could afford. It will be delivered free of charge in a few days. The dog has a surprise coming to him. He is going on a diet and will be getting smaller portions and more dried food. I will have to be very strict with him and not give in to his sad looking cocker spaniel eyes when he refuses to eat the very good dried food. I got him the best and he has to eat it. It will be a matter of his willpower against mine, except that he can bark when he´s stubborn and wake up the neighbors. He´s got that trick all figured out. He knows if he barks early in the morning, he gets what he wants sooner.

A slice of rye bread is the size of a slice of cake, but then much thinner. I just can´t eat a whole slice of rye bread with luncheon meat on it. The last bite or two are for the dog. I have to pay close attention to the feeling in my little stomach above my gastric band and as soon as it gets the least bit of pressure on it, I have to stop eating. As a matter of fact, I should spit out the bite that I have in my mouth and not even swallow it. That will prevent all discomfort. I have to chew my food very well, really grind it into the smallest possible pieces before I swallow it. That´s why it was so easy to eat the porridge. It just slid down without any problem, but it was very fattening and I put lots of sugar on it. It´s no wonder I gained all that weight. Eating the rye bread is okay. It tastes good, but it is a lot harder than eating the porridge and not nearly as satisfying. But it does make me feel full and that is the main thing. I´m not feeling hungry and I really have to think about if I want to eat again. If I eat too soon, I will be extremely uncomfortable and that is absolutely no fun. I can´t stuff my face, which I suppose is a very good thing.

Shoot, do you see how I jump from one subject to the next? That´s the way my mind works. Never dwell on one thing for too long, get on to the next thing as quickly as possible. Don´t be dull and long winded. Be surprising and amusing.

Well, I´ve been amusing long enough now and I´m going to end this long ramble that´s not going anywhere in particular quickly. At creative therapy, I drew a big circle and filled it with little four leaved flowers done in pen and ink. Now I´m coloring them with a teeny brush and colored ink. It´s monk´s work and it keeps me off the streets.

Ciao,
Nora