Early on a Tuesday morning...

I am all out of tranquilizers so I didn't take one last night before I went to sleep. As a result, I didn't sleep as much as I usually do. I was a little bit off balance this morning when I got up but a cup of coffee soon fixed that. I was up very early but I can always take a nap later in the day if I feel like it. Today is not going to be a busy day at all so there will be lots of opportunity for it.

That one tranquilizer at night was the only one I took anymore. I knew I was running out and purposely didn't get a refill. I wanted to get off them because I realized I was under the influence of them when I got up in the middle of the night and sat behind the computer. I do want my mind to be as clear as it can be at all times and that was not the case. I was always a little bit high when I wrote my blog posts. 

I also take a sleeping pill. It's more a "fall asleep" pill and is only supposed to work for a few hours. I take the lowest dose but I'm sure I'm hooked on it too and it would be nice if I got off that one also. I must try that in the near future, although my psychiatrist said once that it is not a high priority. I will first see how well I do without the tranquilizers and then see about that sleeping pill. There's no rush, of course. 

Maybe I will be like a newborn woman and get lots of energy without the tranquilizer. It is nice to fantasize about. It would be great to have a little more get up and go. Sometimes I feel lazy but I wonder if I'm just not drugged. Time will tell. 

The dog is still asleep on the sofa. He won't be ready to start the day for a while. It's much too early for him. I'm ready to get the day started but I wouldn't know what to do with it right away. I have nothing pressing on my agenda. That's the problem. I don't have a busy enough schedule when I feel good. My schedule is fine when things don't go so well amd I need lots of time and energy to take care of myself. But now? 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,
Irene

Behold, the truth...

The plug in my kitchen sink wasn't working. When I filled up the sink to do the dishes, it slowly drained until there was hardly any sudsy water left when I was not quite done. This was very frustrating, but I had gotten used to it as I got used to all sorts of frustrating elements in my life. Rather than fix them, I found a way to live with them. 

That's totally the wrong attitude, of course, and probably says a lot about me, but lately, because I've been feeling better able to deal with things, I've been tackling these frustrating elements. 

Determined to find a better way to do the dishes, I got a square, white, plastic basin that just fits in the kitchen sink and do the dishes in it. The sudsy water doesn't run away and it stays hotter. 

The basin is a bit smaller than the sink and holds less dishes all at once, but I've decided that it's going to determine how many dishes I can save up before I do them. If there are enough dishes to fill the basin, I have to wash them and I can't crowd the basin. 

That worked well enough yesterday and the dishes were done in no time and dried and put away too. Suddenly it was not such an overwhelming job. I had a clean kitchen counter in the shortest amount of time. 

It's apparent that when I have the mental energy, I do have the capacity for problem solving.

***

I met my new therapist this yesterday afternoon in the company of my old therapist. I tried too hard to make a good impression, but didn't realize that until afterwards. I was upset about it for a few hours. 

I acted like I was the best and most desirous patient she could have ever wanted. Like I was so agreeable and reasonable and intelligent that it was her lucky day that she got me as her patient. I hope she saw right through me. 

I'm going to have two more meetings with my old therapist and then I'll have two trial meetings with the new one and we'll see if we get along well enough. She was chosen by my old therapist and my psychiatrist because she's on the same team as they are.

I rode my bike over there, of course, and there was less wind so I was not in danger of being blown sideways into the traffic. There still was a very cloudy sky and it looked like it was going to rain, but fortunately it didn't, although in the north of the country it did. 

Since I'm not married to the Exfactor anymore, I get less anxious in traffic when I ride my bike and I now very routinely negotiate it. I don't even give it much thought while I do.

I used to worry about the traffic a lot and every outing on my bike was a nerve wrecking journey. I don't know what the connection is to it not being so any longer and my divorce, but I realize that I don't sit on my bike and swear under my breath anymore. 

Maybe it has something to do with being independent and singular and learning to trust myself. Our bike rides together were always wrought with anxiety. Doing things alone is so much better for me. 

I've got to go to bed and try to get some sleep. It's fun being up, but I do have to be sensible. It's the adult in me who's telling me that.

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Hardly any fools around here...

It's in the middle of the night as usual and I'm sitting here with my excellently brewed cup of coffee. I can say that about myself, that I brew coffee well, because it's the truth. At least, according to my tastes it is. I like a cup that packs a punch and this one does. If I had socks on, it would knock them right off, as the saying goes. 

Luckily, I'm sitting here barefooted because it isn't that cold inside. The hot coffee is heating me up and I'm wearing my warm bathrobe. There will be no socks flying around the living room, although that would please the dog very much. He's always stealing my socks if I don't put them away carefully. It doesn't matter if they're clean or worn. 

I had a good day today, except for not having gotten enough sleep initially. That does affect your outlook and makes you just a bit less cheerful, even though you try to be. It feels like you have jet lag and constantly need to lie down without being able to. I finally managed to get caught up on my sleep and felt a heck of a lot better after that. When in doubt about your mood, always take a good nap. It will fix you right up. 

Right now I keep falling asleep behind the computer, but I do have little revivals during which I have bursts of energy. I am yawning something awful and it makes me hopeful for when I go back to bed. That coffee doesn't seem to have made much of a difference.  I'm going to drink a glass of ice cold milk and see what that does to my thinking capacities. Hopefully it will jar me awake a little bit  temporarily. 

I have no big plans for tomorrow other than to do some chores and to feel good. It's only a very short time ago that I felt miserable every day and I'm still getting used to feeling well. I still feel that it's all very precarious and don't quite believe in it yet. 

I have to get used to having steady mooded days in which I regularly feel the same way all day long. I also have to get my sleep schedule in order better. I get up too early in the morning and suffer for it all day long. I need to get it back to how it used to be and not over optimistically get out of bed too soon. I must take a nap in the afternoon and not skip it. It's very important that I do. 

I always have to remember that I have to build in predictability and structure. Those are the two very important ingredients for me to function well. It's not a good idea to start messing with them. It's the sameness of each day that does me well. 

I suppose I will go back to bed now and try to get as much sleep as I can. I hope I'm sensible and don't get up too soon. 

Have a good day you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Delaying tactics...

I was already laying in bed when I realized I wasn't really tired and couldn't fall asleep. I was just basically laying there for the coziness and to listen to the radio. I decided those were not good enough reasons to stay in bed and got up again and put my bathrobe on. I will try again later when I'm truly sleepy. When I really, really want to go to bed. 

Now I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee, but I'm not going to make the mistake I made last night and drink a pot of it. I will switch to a glass of milk on time so as not to get too wired and cause myself a sleepless night. I learned that lesson the hard way and I don't want a repeat of the day I had today in which I rapid cycled. That was no pleasure. Luckily, I was able to fix that with some extra anti-psychotic medication when I finally thought of it. 

I'm fine now and I'm calm again, although I have to say that everything is precarious and I'm aware of that now and I realize that I mustn't push my luck. I have a tendency to do everything to extremes and I mustn't do that. I will not stay up until the wee hours and do complicated things that require a lot of mental energy and emotional input. The desire is there, but I will have to ignore it and not give into it. I want each night to be an adventure in contrast to my relatively dull days. 

I have to be my own guardian and monitor my own behavior and do the things that are sensible, much as I don't like to do them sometimes. It's so much nicer to give into an impulsive idea and let it happen and not think about the consequences. Today should have been a lesson to me that I should not forget and I can't pretend that it wouldn't happen again the same way. It's no laughing matter when you get suicidal thoughts because you're rapid cycling. 

I have a great desire to keep playing with the design and names of my blogs. I think possibly I'm not satisfied enough with the way things are now. I think they are too tame and ordinary. I'm striving for a form of perfection without knowing if I will achieve it. I can't leave well enough alone. It must represent a basic dissatisfaction I have with my life that I'm projecting onto my blogs. If my blogs are perfect, my life will be too. 

It's a small psychological insight that's not going to help me much. It's not going to get me over my urge and desire. Only some amount of sensibility is and sometimes that is hard to find. When it is nighttime anyway. At night I always have great desires and lots of plans. It's when my head is in the clouds and my feet aren't firmly planted on the ground.

It's not quite bedtime yet. I don't yet feel the urge to go to sleep. I want to prevent myself from waking up in the middle of the night because then I'll really be in trouble. The Exfactor is going to be here in the morning to do the groceries and I have appointments with my psychiatrist and my SPN early in the afternoon, so I have to be in good shape.

I hope you're all having a good evening. 

Ciao,

Nora

Keeping up with myself...

Thank god it's Friday! The domestic help has been here and cleaned up the place and now I get to enjoy the results all in my own company. There is something to be said for that. Being alone in a clean place is sort of like being alone in a temple without an altar, unless you count the computer desk as one. It makes you feel very peaceful and tranquil and you know that for a while everything will stay as uncluttered  and clean as it is. Until you dirty that first ashtray and that first soup bowl and glass for you milk. It's almost a sin to move around in here and I do it reluctantly. 

The fact that it's Friday adds some joy to my life, although I can't for the life of me figure out why it does so much. You'd think I was going on a mini vacation or something. I act like I have something wonderful to look forward to, while all it is is two empty days to do with as I please. And I will do nothing important with them at all. I will sleep late and watch a lot of television and walk the dog and be in my own company. If I'm lucky, I'll read my book. 

My main goal this weekend is to find my equilibrium which I had lost this past week. I think I'm already on my way, because I'm having a relatively peaceful day today. I am aware of the fact that I'm regularly trying to find my balance and that little things influence it and that I have to readjust myself now and then. But slowly and surely I'm becoming more secure of myself and less frightened that I'll not feel stable. I do have to add that I'm finding much relief from my medication and am very much aware when it's working after I've taken it. 

Right now it is the very little things in life that give me the most satisfaction. That's why I'm so happy with my clean apartment. It rained briefly just a while ago and I loved the way the air smelled afterwards. If only someone could bottle that. You would wish for your laundry to smell that way. There's a strong breeze blowing and it has cooled off the apartment by a whole degree. I'm sitting here in my warm gray cardigan with my socks on. To me that is pure bliss. 

I will take a nap in a little while and enjoy the coolness of the dark bedroom under the warmth of the duvet. It will just be a little nap, but it will refresh me for the rest of the day. I find that a nap in the afternoon does me a world of good. It's mostly for the sake of my brain that I take one. It's like pushing the reset button and I always have lots of renewed energy when I wake up, although I do need a cup of coffee to get the cobwebs out of my mind. It's not a perfect system, but it suits me. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Lanterfanting...

I had the best of intentions this morning. I wanted to take the dog for a long walk and get started on my chores. I figured that after a good night's sleep, I would be more than capable of doing such things that were after all quite simple. All they required were a little bit of goodwill and some energy. 

Well, it turns out that the latter is what I was short of once I had gotten dressed. Suddenly I felt pooped and not at all able to carry off my tasks. It seemed that I had lead in my legs and the thought of going for a long walk just defeated me. I didn't think I could pull it off. Apparently I didn't have the energy that I thought I had woken up with in the morning.

Nevertheless, I set off with the best of intentions, willing to give it a try, but after we had walked for a while and it was time to choose which direction to go in, I chose the direction that led home again. It was with much relief that I walked into the apartment. I fed the dog and fixed myself something to eat, hoping that it would restore my strength and take away the tired feeling and then I had a cup of coffee, hoping that it would keep me awake.

The last thing I want to do is go back to bed and mess up my schedule, but I do feel a touch wobbly and like I need more sleep. I'm fighting off the feeling now and telling myself that if I drink enough coffee, it will go away. All I have to do is try and stay as alert as possible. It's a bit like having jet lag and having to adjust to a new time zone. I will try and save up my need for sleep until tonight when I can sleep as long as I want. With the combination of the old and the new sleeping pills, I should be able to sleep well. 

I have to do my chores, but I don't quite feel up to them yet. I have to gather the  wherewithal to do them. I know what I have to do, but the lead isn't out of my arms and legs yet and I'm yawning something awful. I am determined to get them done and I hope that in doing them, I will wake up more and regain my energy. I have to do laundry, for one thing, and I hope that the smell of washing powder will revitalize me.  I'll inhale deeply over the box. 

*****

The Exfactor was just here for coffee and conversation and it has quite perked me up. It was like I stood under a waterfall of fresh water and I'm completely woken up. We talked about interesting things and had several cups of coffee and the dog was the cause of much diversion too. Isn't it funny how you can become enlivened by the presence of another person? I guess it has to be the right person. Someone who is perky enough themselves, which the Exfactor definitely is. He is a most talkative  guy and never short of subjects. 

The best part was that I got another package of clothes and I had sort of forgotten what I had ordered, being not quite in my right mind when I did. I had completely forgotten about that package arriving this afternoon. To my great surprise it also contained a cute little summery cardigan, which I decided to wear right away because the weather is perfect for it. I'm amazed by my own choice of it and should order these kinds of things more often in that kind of mood, although not being in my right mind is not a preferable state to be in. It does go with the many shades of color life comes in. It causes surprises. 

Now I'm more than ready to continue with the rest of the day. I can take the dog for another walk and do my chores. I feel quite up to it. I will even do the dreaded dishes, which I still think should be replaced with disposable ones. I don't think the ecologist in me will get away with it, though. Besides, I'd have too much trash. I do feel responsible for my share of the landfill. It's very difficult to be irresponsible nowadays. It must have been much easier to live in the 50's.

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

No rest for the wicked...

I've tried to sleep, but after tossing and turning for a few hours I've gotten up again and heated up a cup of left over coffee. I will be up for a while and try to sleep again at a later time or some time early in the morning. I will see how well I manage to amuse myself and to which time zone in the world I can adjust myself. Somewhere in the world people are up living their lives and going about their business and I'll pretend that I'm in tune with them. I'll disregard the fact that it is bedtime here. As a matter of fact, I should be in tune now with my daughter who lives in Texas, so I'll pretend I'm over there. 

It's possible that I've been stuck in the Texas time zone ever since I was last there and that I never got adjusted again to the one here. I'm constantly running about 7 hours behind schedule. Maybe that's my problem. The little bit of sleep I get initially at night is only induced by my sleep medication. It doesn't really count as real sleep. I don't get that until I go to sleep in the early hours of the morning. In Texas I slept well. I went to bed at a normal time and slept through the night. I always sleep well when I'm in the States. I guess I feel safer there. 

This is all just a mad theory I'm making up as I go along. I'm only being silly, but I am looking forward to the moment when I get tired and I'll want to go to bed and I will really be ready to go to sleep. That's when I have my sweetest dreams, but I suppose that if I want to sleep well, I have to go to Texas. I may even go so far as to try California. That's 9 hours difference. That really ought to do the trick. 

I'm drinking cold milk now as I didn't think it was too smart to drink any more coffee. I've had enough caffeine during the evening to wake up a village. No, that's not true, I didn't drink that much coffee. Just enough to get me out of a slump, but it probably didn't help me go to sleep. I'm just too pepped up. I have to keep in mind that I reduced my anti-psychotics some more today. That can make a difference in my mood and energy level. It can make me hyper. I do have to keep an eye on that. 

I think I'll go find something to do. Some sort of trouble to get into. There must be something I can undertake. 

Have a good evening all you people who are still awake. 

Ciao,

Nora

In the niddle of it...

I'm in the middle of doing chores and really don't have the time to sit down and write a post, but while the washing machine is churning away, I figured I could ignore the dishes and sit here for a bit. I can see the dishes from where I'm sitting behind the computer and I'm glancing at them as I write. I will not be intimidated by them. There are not that many of them and I'll have them done in no time. I'm saying this with all the courage I have in me at the moment and that is more than I had earlier in the day when I was more cowardly. 

I've done some chores already and did them more speedily than I had anticipated. I'm more efficient than I thought I was. Apparently I had put enough thought into it ahead of time that I went to work in an organized fashion and got them done in the shortest amount of time. Either that or I had them blown up in my mind to a size that was completely out of proportion to their actual size. I think the latter must have been the most true. I do worry about things ahead of time too much. 

I had one single sock in the dry laundry, but I know where the other one is. Tyke had stolen it and used it as a security blanket. It had floated around the living room for a few days. He had not chewed any holes in it and I finally took it away from him and put it in the next load of laundry. I'll have to give him an old sock that smells like me. I don't really know if I have one. He'll have to wait until I truly have an old sock. Maybe the next time I have a hole in the toe of one, but my socks seem so sturdy. They are industrial strength socks. 

I'm slowly reorganizing the bookcase in the bedroom and finding new places for all the things that Tyke shows the least bit of interest in. It means getting rid of things too. A lot of it is paperwork that needs to be better organized and it's a good reason to do that. I need to make a box with vital documents and have those safe in a cabinet where they are also handy. I used to have them in a file system, but it has fallen apart due to old age. You always have to decide what to keep for posterity and what can just go. It's also important to stay in the here and now. 

Tyke purposely rolls his tennis ball under the sofa and then stands beside it and barks so that I have to get the African walking stick and get the ball out from underneath. He's a little stinker. I saw him do the same thing with the ball and the CD rack. He'd get it stuck underneath there and couldn't get it out without my help, but he pushed it underneath there himself on purpose. He really made the effort to. That dog is much smarter than I give him credit for. 

Every time I think the washing machine is done, it goes and does something else. European washing machine sure take their time to run through all the cycles and I put it on a short program too. I want to dry the laundry tonight so that I can change my bed again soon. I have a shortage of pillow cases, because I use four at the time and I can't find the right size unless I go to Ikea. I haven't been there in a long time and I should talk my sister into going. 

I discovered the window in the spare bedroom was open and had been open for god knows how long. It does explain why it was getting so cold in here so quickly. One of the domestic helps must have opened it and I have a suspicion which one it was. I kept feeling a draft by my legs when I sat behind the computer, but I thought it was because of the cat flap. Since I closed it, it is a lot warmer in here and the heater hasn't gone on all day. It goes to show you how much energy I could have saved. I'm glad I discovered it before it got really cold again tonight. I would have turned up the heater with it open and have been none the wiser.

I think the washing machine is done and I will go hang up the laundry. It's dark outside and time to turn on the lights. It's time to be cozy and cuddle the animals. 

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

In the late hours...

I went to bed early last night and slept for a couple of hours, only to wake up to have to go to the toilet and to have to let Tyke out. I will have to go back to bed some time to sleep some more until 7 am when I will have to get up, because my sofa is going to be delivered between 8 and 9:30 am. I want to be wide awake and dressed when that happens. I also do want to have had some coffee by then.

The living room is very empty without any sofa in it at all, but there is lots of room for Tyke to play with his ball, so he has been taking advantage of that. I've rolled up the area rug and I'm getting rid of it, because it has stains in it and a few burn marks from dropped cigarettes from when I was still on heavy tranquilizers and dozed off regularly. It's lucky I didn't burn the place down. I will get another area rug when I'm at Ikea next. I've seen some in the catalog that are not expensive and made of natural materials. I'm sure I'll find something there that pleases me. I've also seen the curtains there that I like and they are inexpensive as well and I want to get them. I'll have to ask my sister to take me over there one of these days soon.

I love all these changes that I'm about to make and am looking forward to them. I feel that I'm being shaken out of my complacency and am accomplishing things. Everything has been on the back burner for too long and it's about time I do something about them. It only takes a few bold steps and cutting the proverbial knot to get through the inertia that had built up. No doubt cutting down on my antidepressants has a lot to do with that, as it has given me more energy and a clearer point of view. They had actually dulled my outlook and performance. Not only am I reducing one, but I've cut another one out completely and I think that's a darn good thing.

I'm getting back some good feedback on quitting smoking. Not only will my clothes and my apartment smell better, my sense of smell and taste will improve too, so that I will enjoy things a lot more. No doubt I am severely impaired in these senses now. Food should taste better and scents should smell better. I will enjoy the smell of freshly washed laundry better. I have so much to look forward to. One thing, of course, will be cleaner lungs, and no longer that cough that I have in the mornings when I wake up and smoke my first cigarette. My physical condition should improve too and hopefully I will have more endurance. I will notice that when I'm riding my bike and when I'm walking Tyke.

Oh, I'm all bogged down in seriousness. I do have to lighten up. Today is going to be a great day. It is Thursday and officially my day off. Except for the sofa, that means no appointments and no visitors. I do have to do a load of laundry and take the dry laundry off the rack in the bathroom, but that will be an easy job. It's really not time to change the bed yet, I've just done that, but I'm tempted to do it again. All for the sake of clean smelling sheets. Ha, I don't even know what clean smelling sheets are yet. I suppose I'll have to wait a while to really find out. I've been fooling myself into thinking that I knew this, but I will really know once my nose starts working properly.

I've got the choice now to go to bed or to stay up. I'm not in the least bit tired, but it's awfully early to start the day. I can think of some things to do. There are a couple of jobs that need my attention. I can put them off or do them now and it will be fun to fill this empty time with something useful, as long as I'm not going back to sleep.

Tyke's gone to sleep on Jesker's old pillow. First he pulled it into the place he wanted it to be and got rid of all the toys that were lying on top of it and then he laid down on it. He's a smart dog. He misses the area rug to sleep on, no doubt. It's not much fun to lie on the cold linoleum.

I'm going to do those jobs now and keep myself busy and out of trouble.

Ciao,
Nora

So early in the morning...

Here I am with my cup of coffee and my cigarette. I have read blogs and left comments and answered my emails. For some reason my latest post got published without the ability to leave comments and I tried to fix it, but to no avail. I hope this doesn't happen again. I would hate to have a problem with blogger that's going to be hard to fix. I want no frustration like that at all.

I have just turned on the light therapy lamp and the bright light of it is making my eyes squint in the early morning darkness. It is like a wake up call. Like going out in the bright sunshine. No doubt I will be perky as the early bird in no time at all. That, along with my coffee, should get me off to a good start. I will no doubt be as energetic as a go cart in the shortest amount of time and have limitless amounts of get up and go. I can hear my engine revving up now. It just needs a little more fuel.

The book I started reading yesterday afternoon turns out to be very good. The subject matter is fascinating and it is very well written. There is not a hitch in it. It reads as easily as downing a plate of very good fettuccine with real Italian cheese. It is a true pleasure. The premise of the book is a difficult one and the story is complicated and not an easy subject, but she writes about it beautifully and convincingly. You look forward with a certain amount of dread, but with a lot of curiosity, to the real circumstances of the drowning of the sister and the almost drowning of the child who is so traumatized. The main character of the book is a force to be reckoned with, although quite disturbed. The father is a man of yet unknown strengths.

I sat in my armchair with a tall glass of milk and the reading light by my side and an extra pillow for comfort and read the rest of the afternoon into the evening until it was time to watch the news. I didn't read it when I went to bed at night. I merely got under the duvet and laid there in the semi dark and waited for sleep to come, which it did quickly. I thought about my blogging friends and what they would be doing at that particular time and I tried to imagine them in their lives, knowing all that I know about them, while at the same time knowing so little.

This morning the Exfactor is coming by to do the groceries and have coffee, although he can't stay late because he has to work in the afternoon. It will be a short visit, but it will be nice nevertheless. I have to stay home in the afternoon and wait for my package to be delivered. Hopefully that won't take too long. They are usually here some time in the middle of the afternoon and not some time around 6 pm when they could also come.

I'm going to set up the radio/CD player right away in my bedroom and find a pleasant radio station to listen to so I will be ready to turn it on at night when I go to sleep. I also have to find those CD's of nature sounds that are somewhere in the collection and some pleasantly serene classical music ones. I want to be well prepared. I haven't had a radio in a while so I'm curious to see which stations I will be able to receive. I hope for a pleasant jazz station and for a station that plays a lot of baroque. No operas and romantic classical music, please. No Mahler, but Eric Satie would be nice. That reminds me, I have double CD's of his music.

It's only 8C outside right now. I stood by the back door and welcomed the cold air on my body. It was very refreshing. It wasn't raining, but the sky was partly cloudy. I did see the moon and it was in its third quarter. Last night, when I went to sleep, the bedroom was chilly and it felt great to get under the duvet. I had bare arms, so I was a bit cold. I still have to get an extra cover for the bed to put over the duvet. I thought I had something in the closet somewhere, but I have not found it yet. Maybe it is in one of the boxes in the spare bedroom. I'll have to have a look.

I'm all done drinking coffee now. Three cups are more than enough. That's all I can handle. As it is, I have to throw the last little bit away into the kitchen sink. Coffee is great to drink and it does wonders for your mental health, but too much of it is no good either. I'm down to three cups a day and I think that's enough of a good thing. I have to get into the habit of drinking tea, but I have to buy a teapot and a tea cozy. That will go on the list of things I want for my birthday. I like making proper pots of tea and not dunking teabags in a tea glass.

I'm off to start the day. I have to take my medicines and get dressed and walk Tyke. He's very impatiently breathing down my neck. Gandhi is also, I know not for what reason.

I hope you all have a nice day. The weather looks very dubious here. I could get wet.

Ciao,
Nora

Hurray, Saturday!

What could be a better day than Saturday? It's the most perfect day of the week. It's a day to celebrate, no matter how quietly and sedately, in my own particular way. I love the fact that the day stretches out ahead of me with no obligations and no appointments and no chores to do. It is an absolutely free day in which I can do, or not do, whatever I want. I can completely indulge myself and that's exactly what I intent to do. The best part is that I will have no feelings of guilt about this. That's it, guilt free living and enjoying it. Isn't that great? Every day of the week ought to be like that. It would be like living in paradise. I think that's how it was supposed to be. I have to find a way to always do this and still achieve the things I have to do. Be responsible and yet feel free and not under constant pressure to achieve. There's got to be a way to do that. It's all in the mindset I'm sure.

I went to bed at a reasonable time, because I could not stay up later for want of sleep. I postponed it as long as I could, but finally had to go to bed because I was so tired. I did read my book for awhile, but was soon sound asleep. It was so comfortable in my bed and I couldn't think of a better place to be. I have this particular duvet cover that's very nice to sleep under and I'm always glad when it's on my bed. It's really one for cooler weather and it's exceptionally cozy and smooth to the touch. Last night was a perfect night for it, because it was cooler and I had the window open. I'm sure it helps me sleep better and I'd like to get another one like it. I'll have to make a trip to Ikea. I think that's where I got it.

It's nice to be up again and I have the Bright Light Energy Lamp on as I write this. I will have it on every morning as I sit behind the computer from now on until the springtime. I didn't do this last year and I think it was a big mistake and I can't really give a good explanation for why I didn't use it. It was definitely an error in my thinking.

I've made a pot of coffee and it tastes great. I've got the amount of ground coffee right and each pot turns out well. I had to get used to the taste as opposed to the Senseo coffee, but that happened soon enough. I like this coffee now and it really is no hardship to make a pot. It is done quick enough and I hardly have to wait at all. The coffee cups stay cleaner too. The Senseo coffee always left behind a scummy layer in the cups that was hard to wash out. I don't have that problem now. I can rinse out my cup and have it clean and reuse it again. It saves on the dishes. That's always a big motivating factor for me.

I had so much energy yesterday morning, that I had gotten a bunch of chores done before it was even 8 o'clock. I surprised myself. I took a break and watched the news and decided to save the dishes until my personal helper got here so that we would have something to do together. I'm taking care of a lot of things independently of her now and I hardly need her help, but we are already making plans for this winter when possibly things may get more difficult. I'm entitled to 6 hours worth of help during the week and it may come in handy if I need it. I'm doing everything I can to prevent a depression from happening, but I don't know how much I am in command of that. Time will tell. It's good to know that I have back up if I need it. Last winter was very bad and I'm going to do everything I can to prevent that from happening again.

I had forgotten to water my plants and they were very droopy. I felt so bad for neglecting them. I hadn't watered them in more than 2 weeks. It had completely slipped my mind. When I realized that, I very quickly watered all of them and prayed that they would recuperate. At first nothing happened and they all looked as bad as they did before and I thought I had been too late, but this morning they all looked perked up and strong again, so I guess I got lucky and they are okay. They were completely dried out, though, and I must make sure that doesn't happen again. I can only have very forgiving plants. I don't take care well enough of them to have demanding plants. They would die immediately. The plants that I have can go without water for 10 days, but that's the maximum. I'm not a very good plant owner. It's all a hit and run business. I do take better care of Gandhi and Tyke and don't forget to feed and water them.

I did the laundry early yesterday morning and was hanging it up to dry in no time. I had washed some of my clothes along with the sheets and am glad that I don't have to iron any of them, although there are some clothes in the ironing basket that I still have to iron, but those are clothes that I will be wearing this fall. That job can be postponed until it is inevitable. So far I am still mostly wearing my summer clothes with the odd cardigan on top. It hasn't really been all that cold yet. A jacket has been sufficient to wear outside, inside the apartment it is still warm enough to go with bare arms. It just doesn't seem to cool off in here.

In the last couple of days we've had as much rain as normally falls in a whole month. It's all part of the climate change and the experts warn that we have to count on this happening more often in the summertime. Large amounts of rain will come down from the sky in a short amount of time. This will happen along with periods of extreme heat as we had in July. It is said that September will bring better weather. Maybe we will have an Indian summer. It will be nice if it's true. I didn't like the heat in July and was very uncomfortable because it was so humid. I don't care for too much heat when it's humid. I don't deal with it well at all. I wouldn't do well in the tropics. I am used to the heat in California, which was dry and bearable. Even in the desert it was not as awful up to a point, as long as you stayed out of the direct sunlight and were close to a swimming pool and the nights were wonderful. There were so many stars visible in the sky that it felt as though the heavens were going to fall down on you.

I've had three cups of coffee and I think that's quite enough. That's how many I made. I will switch to fruit juice next to quench my thirst. I'm sitting here in my bathrobe and I feel a slight draft by my bare feet. My toes are cold. It is only 10C outside, so that is quite chilly. That's the coldest it has been so far. It is only going to be 17C today and rain is predicted, but I won't pay too much attention to that because it never gets as bad here as is forecast. It will be a treat to walk Tyke in the cold air. I wonder if he will get chilled with his short haircut? He doesn't have much to warm him, but maybe he's a tough dog.

I'm off to enjoy my Saturday. I will find interesting things to do and keep myself out of trouble. Maybe today would be a good day to do the ironing after all. It would be a useful way to fill up some time and I would know that I had gotten that done and that I was ready for the fall. I am also curious as to how those clothes fit me.

Have a good day and enjoy your weekend. It is still August, so it's still officially summer no matter what impression the weather gives.

Ciao,
Nora

Another fine morning.

I've just made myself another cup of coffee to get the sluggishness out of my system that is usually there in the morning when I first have gotten up. I'm very much looking forward to the day when it won't be there. As a matter of fact, I think I am going to have to take a proactive stand in that and make the decision about that myself. Yes, I think that will be best.

I'm almost out of tobacco and must go to the tobacconist right away at 8:30. I also have to remember to buy some lighters, because I'm using matches now and they don't work very well. They are inferior matches.

There's nothing like a few cups of coffee to set your world right. It can change your whole outlook on life. That is, as long as you don't dig too deep. You just have to stay near the surface. That's where I've been keeping myself for years now. Living a shallow life. Trying not to feel anything too much, but being overwhelmed by my feelings anyway as if they were a disease that needed to be cured.

Not too long ago I asserted that I didn't need too much coffee to keep me going during the day, but lately I've been finding that the opposite is true. Well, I need about 5 or 6 cups, although very often I don't finish all of them and have to throw the last bit away because it is cold, and they are really mugs, not cups. That's why the coffee always ends up getting cold. A mug is too much and a cup is not enough. I do have a "mup" that's just right.



I went to the tobacconist with Tyke and forgot to buy lighters. I tore the apartment upside down to look for some and found a box of better matches, but it's a small box. I called the Exfactor, who had said he might be by today, to bring me a lighter, but now he's not sure if he's coming. I'll have to go back to the store to buy lighters and I am not amused. I'm having a hard time understanding the Exfactor on my mobile phone and it sounds like he is mumbling, when I say that I can't understand him, he mumbles louder. I also don't understand my psychiatrist who always insists on calling me on my mobile phone instead of my land line. It sounds like he is whispering. Now I don't know if I need to have my ears checked or if it is their problem.

Gandhi barfed on the stove. Tyke tore my whole Trivial Pursuit game apart in the bedroom and it is all over the place. I can just get a trash bag and throw it all away. I haven't done any cleaning, nor have I done the dishes. I am out of patience and out of energy and I need a vacation. I want to run away from home. Instead of that, I will clean up the cat barf and clean up my bedroom and do the dishes and dust my computer desk, but that will be it.

So, I better get to it then. There is no rest for the wicked. There is only postponement.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Another post to let my words out.

The domestic help was here this afternoon. She was a real nice young woman. Unfortunately, she is not going to be my steady help and I don't know who that is going to be yet. I may have several different people here before that is decided. It's a real shame, because I liked the one I had today and got on well with her. She cleaned my whole kitchen from top to bottom. I dusted the living room really well, including the lamps and the picture frames. She vacuumed and mopped the apartment and I cleaned the bathroom sink and the toilet.

I didn't do a fraction of the work she did, but I was so tired that I spaced out and had to sit by the dining table and recuperate. She was a hard worker and didn't take a break. She left me a daily list of little jobs to do, so that when the domestic help gets here, she can concentrate on the big jobs, such as washing the windows and mopping the floors and cleaning the shower basin and all those fun things. I have to do things such as vacuum once a week and sweep the floors and keep the toilet clean and change my bed, beside the laundry and the dishes and the usual things that come with the household, such as dusting which always needs to get done.

Lord, you should have seen the dust I got off those lamps. It was plain scandalous. I don't know why I never did that before. Or clean the light switch covers. I was lucky in that I didn't suffer any embarrassment. I figured she had seen worse and I was a needy case. It was good to have someone in who said to me, "Now you go and do that." To celebrate, I will clean the utensil drawer tomorrow and throw away obsolete items that are sitting on the kitchen shelves that were cleaned today. Does anyone want a toaster? I really don't have room for it and it is in the way of everything. These European kitchens are so little.

My sister and I went grocery shopping shortly after 8 o'clock this morning and we were done quickly, because it was very uncrowded in the store. That time of the day really is the best time to shop. I bought huge amounts of milk and a big jar of Nutella and good things for the dog and Fish Menu for the cats and I threw away their old bowls and gave them a new ceramic bowl to eat from. They can dine in style.

We also stopped by the tobacconist, without to much complaining from my sister, and I got my supply of tobacco. It is very frowned upon that I smoke and I told my sister that my psychiatrist had said to me to please not stop smoking. It is like medicine to me and I would get into deep doodoo if I tried to quit now. It would be different if I were an alcoholic, I'm sure. I would be incoherent then.

I was walking Tyke this evening and suddenly a wind started to blow hard and very threatening, dark clouds raced across the sky, and I thought, 'Oh boy, it´s really going to rain hard now, I better get home and bring the laundry in,' but then nothing happened at all. It was all a false alarm and not a drop of rain fell out of the sky and this while they had been predicting a light rain all day that had never materialized. They never get it right for our little part of the country. I´m glad because the laundry is still hanging outside and I do want it to get dry there, because they are bed linens and I want to make my bed with them and have it smell good.

I changed my email addresses, because it turned out that the old addresses were still in the Exfactor´s name and I had been warned that one day, when the company went through all the obsolete accounts, they would be removed. So now I have two email addresses under my own name. One incognito and one real one. I´ve also simplified the username and the password with the help of the excellent people at the helpdesk. You just need to talk to the technicians and you are in good hands. Nobody else there knows what they are doing, but these guys do. They are the best.

I now spend half of my life being Nora Ibsen and I´m seriously considering changing my name to it, although they are rather strict in the Netherlands about that. You can´t just up and decide that that´s who you are going to be now. A judge has to rule over it and the queen has to sign the final papers. I can´t change my name until after my daughter has gotten her Dutch passport, which should happen this year and she will have all the rights of a Dutch citizen. She´s so excited about it and so am I. Her son has a German passport, so he is already a European.

Every once in a while I have a tiny little fall in a pothole moment. It lasts just a minute, but for that minute I feel like shit, and then it´s over and I´m fine again. It´s hardly worth mentioning, but an interesting phenomenon. It reminds me that I can´t take anything for granted, although I´ve had a good day.

I do easily get tired, though, and I realize that I have to build up my mental stamina slowly again. Doing physical jobs is not physically so much tiring as it is mentally, because they have a tendency to defeat me. It´s the endless futility of them that bothers me so, although I guess if you really get it cleaned up well, it does stay that way for a while, and if you keep on top of it, it doesn´t get out of hand and become a huge chore for you to tackle. You know, I used to do these things so easily when I was younger and happier.

I´m planning on being happier again, though. It´s definitely a short term goal and I feel it is within easy reach. I just have to have a lot of faith. I hope that by being proactive I can make a change in my life. I have to believe in that process.

I hope you all have a great night.

Ciao,
Nora

In the long run...

Late yesterday afternoon, Tyke and I went for a longer walk, because many of you agreed that he needed more exercise than he was getting on his little short walks with Jesker and I couldn't agree more. We left at about 4 o'clock and as it gets dark at 6, I figured we had enough time to wander around the neighborhood and pick the best route to follow. He thought it was great and couldn't move quickly enough from one interesting spot to the next, That meant moving from hedge to hedge and from tree to tree and from one blade of grass to the next. He set the pace and it was fast. He was just not quite pulling my arm out of my socket.

Unfortunately, I had misjudged the weather and wore my warm sweater under my winter coat and after a while I was very hot. It was much warmer outside than I had anticipated. I was also wearing the wrong boots and had sore feet about halfway through the walk. So I lasted 50 minutes and had to call it quits. Tyke easily could have walked another hour or two. Also, my condition isn't what it used to be. I have gotten used to the relatively short and easy rambles with Jesker and they are nothing compared to a long walk with Tyke.

Today I'm going again, but I'm not going to wear my warm sweater and I'm going to wear my hiking boots in the hope that I will last a little bit longer. I'm going to try and make two longer walks, but it depends on how much sleep I need and how much time that leaves me. I'm up in the middle of the night now after sleeping a few hours. No doubt I will go back to sleep later, but I may be up on time for a morning walk with him that's a bit longer.

Jesker gets exhausted moving from room to room, so I'm not going to bother taking him for walks anymore, as they seem to wear him out too much anyway. I will let him do his business out back and just take Tyke for walks and make them longer ones, because there is no sense in making these tiny little walks with the three of us. They don't do any of us any good, least of all Jesker.

I'm worried about Jesker and I don't think he is going to hang on much longer. I guess what I'm really saying is, that soon I will be faced with the difficult decision that I have to make and that is so hard. But I hear his breathing as he is lying here beside me and it is short and shallow, as if it requires effort. I want him to hang in there a while longer, but really I want to postpone the decision until there is no other choice. Until it is the only obvious thing to do, but I don't want him to needlessly suffer either. It is tough. I've had to had cats put to sleep and I felt bad enough about that. This, however, is my companion and my friend. He's more than just a dog.

I've turned the thermostat down one degree so the heater won't keep going on and it does make a difference, but I imagine that I'm much colder now, while one degree should not matter all that much. A cup of hot coffee sure tastes good then. I think I'm going to get my end of year bill in June, because that's when I became a customer of this energy company and I will find out how much extra I will have to pay on top of the monthly payments that I have been making. They've calculated me for a one person household, but the winter has been cold, so I may have used more gas than was predicted. I've also used the computer a lot, so I may have used more electricity, in spite of my energy saving light bulbs and the fact that I hardly watch TV. So it's all going to be a big surprise.

I just got two blue envelopes in the mail from the tax office and I thought that maybe they wanted more money from me because of the end of the year calculations, but luckily zero Euros were due. It's such a relief when the tax people let you know that you don't owe them anything else. It would be like plucking a naked chicken. There's no more to go around and they ought to know best. You never know when you get a blue envelope in the mail. It can be good news or bad news. This time it was semi-good news. It would have been better if they had owed me money. That would have been my lucky day.

It's only going to be 3C today and cloudy. We've had such nice weather these past couple of days, that you could almost imagine spring had arrived. Alas, it was of short duration. Next week we're going to have wintertime again with freezing temperatures and more snow, believe it or not. Such rotten luck! I do hate that and I sincerely hope that's the last of it, but that's what I hoped the other week too. Drats! In the north of the country they haven't been without snow for at least 7 weeks, so that's much worse. Thank goodness we're spared that.

Both the dogs are amicably sleeping at my feet as if they've never done anything else. There's room for both of them. Sometimes Tyke snores. It's very funny to hear such a little dog snore. Every time I get up to go to the kitchen, he follows me in the hope that something exciting will happen and I have to disappoint him every time. It's not nearly time for him to eat, but he does gobble down his food when he gets it. He acts like a starving person who hasn't had anything to eat for days or weeks. It's gone in no time. Jesker is not the least bit interested in eating.

Well, I'll go and read blogs. I'm behind in that and now is a good time to catch up.

I hope you all have a wonderful day when you get up.

Ciao...

Let's go at it again...

Before I do anything, I want to send you to a list of books. They are all the novels that The Wise Web Woman read in 2009. I went through the list myself and found quite a few books that I'm interested in reading and I added those to my ever growing wish list at Bol.com. The Wise Web Woman is a very good friend of mine and I happen to know that she has good taste in books, because she wasn't born yesterday and she is critical enough not to read anything trashy. As to my own wish list... well, I sure hope I find a benefactor soon, because the list grows faster than I can afford to buy the books, but I'm sure you're all dealing with the same problem, because, my God, we are greedy, aren't we?

Now that I think of it, I remember seeing another list just recently and I want to point you to that one also. It is Babaloo's list of novels that she read for 2009 and you can count on there being many good books on it, because I happen to know that she has very good taste in reading material and is hooked on good novels. I haven't looked through her list yet, but that's the next thing I'm going to do and I'm sure that will add many more books to my ever growing wish list, although I think I've read some of them already. As a matter of fact, I've mooched books from Babaloo. I sure hope you have some time to spare to look through these lists. I copy the title and the author and then paste them in the search box of my favorite on line bookstore. That saves me a lot of work.

It's like I speak of treasures, isn't it? As if I'm giving you the pirate's map to where the loot is buried. That's what it feels like to me. I can hardly think of a greater pleasure than the ownership of a good novel. I would bring a great big chest full of them with me if I had to go live on a deserted island.

Although I lacked the energy to do a lot yesterday, little by little I did get some things done and in the evening I took the dog for a longer walk. Accomplishing these things made me feel better and I look forward to today and getting more chores done. I'll just do them slowly with lots of breaks in between. It doesn't have to get done all at once. I have been so immobilized and unable to do much of anything that I'm happy to be more active now. Even if it is on a low level. It is an improvement and that is the main thing.

Well, this was just a short post about lists of books. It is that time of the morning again for me to take my medicines and to eat breakfast and to go back to bed for awhile.

I hope you all have a nice day with lots of good things happening in it.

Ciao,
Nora

Where's my energy?

I just scrubbed the kitchen counter with scouring powder and dusted two tables and I'm completely worn out. I was planning on doing more jobs, but I don't have the energy. I have to sit down for a while until I move onto the next job and it can't be a big one, because I won't last that long. I'll water the plants next and hang up the laundry. I'm really tired, though. It feels as if I've done a lot of work. I'm not that old, for God's sake. I feel like I'm coming down with something and my body won't co-operate. I'll have to do my work in little chunks and stop when I can't do anymore. I'm not even going to try to vacuum, I'll sweep instead. It's such a bother to drag that vacuum cleaner around and sweeping doesn't require as much energy. So I tell myself.

I was supposed to have gone grocery shopping with my sister today, but when she called I was still in my pajamas and not yet in a frame of mind to go out, so I will go on Wednesday, as I think I can make my supplies last that long. I just have to be careful that I make the milk last, as I don't like the artificial creamer in my coffee. It has a...well, artificial taste. Still, it's better than drinking my coffee black.

I've just watered the plants and it was high time too, as some of them were quite dry and I hope they forgive me and don't decide to die on me. I can't hang up the laundry yet, because the washing machine isn't done. It fakes me out, because I think I don't hear anything, but it's just sitting there between movements, humming quietly to itself. I don't think I'm going to be able to hang the laundry outside. It would take forever to get dry. As it is, I have three loads to do and only one rack to dry them on and one load fits on the rack exactly and takes at least a day to dry. I'll be doing laundry for the rest of the week, unless I can figure out a way to get it dry quicker. I could turn up the heat higher, but that's a wasteful way to get the laundry dry. It's too bad that I don't have a wood stove to heat the apartment with. I could get it real warm in here.

My dog thinks he's all done going out for the day and has settled down on his blanket like he is never going to move again. He wanted to go out at 4 o'clock, so I took him for a walk, but I think he's confused and thinks that's it. He's going to have to go out one more time, though. I'll have to convince him to go go with me later in the evening. He's down to eating 400 grams of food and that is enough for him. I have been buying him the Bonzo meals and he likes them very much. He never dawdles when he eats those. Now that the snow and ice are gone, we will be able to take longer walks and I think he will enjoy that. As long as it's not too cold I don't mind being out there.

I have to go to the hairdresser, because I can't do a thing with my hair. All it wants to do is stick up in the wrong direction and it is too long to get it to lay down flat in the right way. It is a pain in the neck and needs to be cut short. I don't realize how quickly my hair grows and how long it has been since I've been to have it cut and before I know it, it has lost its shape and it doesn't look like anything at all. I will call tomorrow and make an appointment. I also have to call the doctor to make an appointment about those nodules on my throat. I think I had better not postpone that anymore now, because I has been several months and they are getting bigger. I also have to take Toby to the vet, because he's sneezing again and he needs a shot of antibiotics. Oh, ho hum. Just what I like to do. Going out...

I have hung up the laundry and put the next load in the machine. I have also put the dishes in the sink to soak and will wash those as soon as I am done writing this. There weren't really that many, especially not after I washed and dried the porridge bowls separately. There are mostly coffee cups and juice glasses and teaspoons. I need to wash the dog's bowls separately, but they need a good soak and a scrub.

Ah, the dog's come back to life. Maybe he will want to go out now. He's doing an awful lot of stretching and yawning. First I need to do the dishes and then I'll take him out. A little bit of fresh air will do me good as well, especially now that I don't have to worry about breaking my neck. I realize now that I really felt like a prisoner with all that snow and ice. It's like being let out of jail now that it's all gone. I sure didn't appreciate that. I hope no more comes our way. I wouldn't like it one bit. I would curse it and move to a warmer climate.

Have a nice evening.

Ciao,
Nora

It's too early to go to bed.

Well, you all know that I slept well last night, don't you? I mean, I was up for a little while, but I went back to bed and slept until a decent hour and I did go to sleep early the night before. But guess what happened today? I napped and napped and wasted the whole day on the sofa. This tiredness just takes me by surprise and before I know it, I'm asleep again. I get over it at the end of the day and get my energy back at around 5 pm. That's when I come back to life, just as it is getting dark outside and I have to walk the dog. I'm fine the rest of the evening and am not the least bit sleepy until I go to bed, because I look forward to the coziness of it, but tonight I'm not looking forward to going to bed, because last night was such a struggle with those night sweats and the pain in my arm. I don't have good associations with going to bed now and I'm postponing it.

I guess I slept long enough, but not pleasant enough. The night sweats are the most uncomfortable thing, though. They really wake me up and I have to get out of bed and cool off. I'm really starting to dislike my bed. I'm going to stay up late tonight and sleep on the sofa and see if I have the same problem when I sleep there. I'm going to take the back cushions off the sofa and make more room for myself to lie down. I've been having these night sweats since last summer and I thought it was because of the heat, but I guess I was wrong and as far as I know, I am not in the menopause anymore, so that's not it either.

For some strange reason, my regular telephone has started working again without me changing the batteries. I haven't done a thing to it but take the batteries out and put them back in and unplug the cable and plug it back in again. It's a mystery to me. That leaves me undecided if I should keep it or not. First I need to find out how much of my all in one package are telephone costs. I'll have to call about that and be put on hold forever and have to listen to inane music while the call is costing me money. That ticks me off, but that's how it's done nowadays. I'm sure it's the same in your country. Whoever decided on that policy is a rip off artist. Some calls cost as much as 45 cents a minute. But anyway, my phone is working again and at least I didn't go out and buy a new one, though if I do keep my regular phone, I still may go out and buy a new one, because I'm not very fond of this one, as it has such a shape, that I cut people off with my cheekbone and I don't have especially pointy cheekbones.

My dog has decided it is bedtime and has gone to sleep on his pillow in the bedroom and that is where the cats are too. So you see, they do have their habits and they aren't always dependent on what I do.

I walked the dog at 9:30 tonight and all the slush had frozen over again and it was very slippery out there. I'm amazed by the fact that I have not slipped and fallen yet, because last year I fell three times. I'm being very careful, though, and I'm wearing different boots that may make a difference. These may have a little bit more grip. I worry about breaking a bone and lying there helplessly with the dog. He's not a St Bernard, after all. Or Lassie who will run and get help.

I have no interest in my household. I do the barest of necessities and wait for the moment when things are just about to get out of hand, so that I will very quickly get them back under control again only to return to my previous indifference. That's the state of affairs. It's no way to run a place, but that's the way I'm getting by right now. I dump things in the trash and rinse out dishes and empty ashtrays and pick things up and move them, but that's about it. I don't really feel depressed, but I feel physically tired all the time and not up to expending the energy. I thought I would feel better now that I'm taking the vitamin pills every day, but I'm not. I marvel at my sister who gets so much done in one day's time. I used to be like that too.

The dog missed me and has come to lie down beside me on the area rug, which is not the most comfortable place to sleep. He's such a loyal dog. At least I've got him, even if I've got nobody else.

Well, it's late enough now. I'm going to get my pajamas on and have something to eat and take my medicines. Then I'll make myself cozy on the sofa with my book. I am looking forward to that. I hope I have a good night's sleep and that I will feel fantastic in the morning. I'm going to try and sleep all through the night. With a little bit of luck I should make it.

Sleep tight, everyone!

Ciao,
Nora

Another bright and beautiful morning.

I had made a deal with my SPN that I would no longer get up in the middle of the night and stay up and play with the computer until it was morning. This in an effort to get me back to a more normal rhythm in which I might have more energy during the day to undertake things and not be asleep for half of the day. Well, I just about made it. I woke up twice during the night because of night sweats and I had to change the towel I sleep on. The second time I was very uncomfortable, because my arm also hurt, so I did get up for a while and spent some time behind the computer, but luckily, I realized on time that I should go back to bed and I did and woke up at a regular hour. So I did actually sleep a lot, because I went to bed very early last night. I wasn't in the mood to stay up and only wanted to be in bed under the duvet with my book and be nice and warm and read.

Yesterday morning, after I got dressed and walked the dog, I did not clean the apartment as I had so proudly proclaimed. I got my book and laid down on the sofa and read and took a little catnap and Toby took a little catnap on top of me. That's all the effort I put into my morning. When I got up, I had some coffee and cleaned up the kitchen and walked the dog. It was snowing outside and did so for a long time. Still, it was slippery outside in a lot of places and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my footing and hit the deck.

I left an hour early to go to my SPN as I also had to go past the post office to mail two packages. These will be amongst the last packages that I will send, as I have quit Bookmooch. I was spending such an inordinate amount of money each month sending books to people that it just about gave me an ulcer worrying about it and I decided not to do it anymore. I will take some of the money that I spent each month and spend it on discount books I want at Bol.com. I will feel much better doing that. I have to send a few more books, but that will be it.

Luckily, the line at the post office was very short and I was done in no time, leaving me to make my careful way to my SPN's office. There were some tricky areas where things were very slippery, but I did not fall once, so that was good. I got there early and read a women's magazine in the waiting room. I never read those, except in the waiting room, because they give such unrealistic expectations about what a woman's life should look like. It's life seen through rose colored glasses and it bothers me that there is none of the really gritty stuff of life in them. It's not exactly feminist literature.

When I got home again, I had to call the pharmacist and make sure they had gotten my prescriptions for all my medicines and ask them to deliver them to my apartment that evening. Then I called my sister to let her know that I was home so we could go shopping. It was busy at the store, but they always have enough cash registers open so you don't really have to wait in line. I was done quickly, because I knew exactly what I had to get, which is basically always the same, give or take a little, and I was ready to go in no time. But I had to wait for my sister and when she didn't show up, I thought about giving her a call. Just as I was about to, I saw her blond head in the crowd. She had run into an acquaintance and had a chat and met the little boy who was two and adorable and she wanted to take him home with her. You see, puppies and little kids...

At home I had the fun job of putting away the groceries with the help of the animals and I gave the cats their food in the pouches, which they darn near pulled out of my hands, and the dog got his treat. I got a cup of coffee and watched some inane TV program while I made cigarettes. It's a program for people aged 55+ and they think we're all demented and can only handle very simple subjects. No intellect is required. It's so condescending. The problem is that I watched the whole program. That's how lazy I was and somewhat fascinated by it at the same time, because I kept thinking, you're addressing me? It's the same problem as with those women's magazines, no unpleasant subjects are broached.

This novel I'm reading, "Superior Women" by Alice Adams is really good. I can't wait to start reading it every time I put it down. I'm completely fascinated by it. It's got me hooked. It's a little bit dated, but it still makes for a good read.

It's supposed to get up to 4C today, so that means there should be some major melting of the snow. It's -1C now and the sun is shining. The dog is sound asleep and hasn't asked to be let out yet. I think he is getting a little demented. Sometimes he gets stuck in corners and just stands there or he just topples over. He also wanders around aimlessly in little areas as if he's confused. Outside he falls off the sidewalk and he leans his head into the wrong side of the door to get in. I don't mind. I just keep a closer eye on him. He's still a good dog.

Well, I'm getting sleepy, so I better get dressed and take him out in the fresh air. That will do us both a lot of good. These anti psychotics do make me want to fall asleep.

Ciao,
Nora

A story in the middle of the night.

I woke up after I had been asleep for a few hours and got up, because I was wide awake. I don´t mind being awake in the middle of the night, because that´s when I feel best and I´m the least intimidated by life. I am also very clearheaded and I can think straight and as a result of that, I was able to write a story that I was supposed to write for an on line magazine that is going to be published on January the 15th, so I was cutting it close. I already knew the ending, so I just had to write the beginning and the middle of it. I´ll point you to it when it is published.

I was hoping that I would have enough energy to also clean up the kitchen, but I think I´m running out of steam now, unless I get my second wind any time soon, but I actually feel myself collapsing now. It´s a real shame, because I was going full steam ahead and I would have liked to keep going. I think if you´re yawning it´s a sign that you need to go back to sleep. My dog is very loyally asleep beside me and I think he would prefer to sleep on his pillow also. I don´t want to keep him from that pleasure too long.

I keep thinking about that photo diary I made and I can´t wait to receive in the mail. I´m so much looking forward to it. It has 29 photos in it, so that´s quite a bit. It will look splendid when I get it. It´s one point of sparkly bright light in my life. There will be others, I´m sure. Getting the story accepted as I wrote it and published will be another. I´m also involved in a card swap that is starting up now and I just found out which person I am matched up with. You swap any kind of card, post cards, playing cards, greeting cards, tarot cards, Christmas cards, business cards, home made cards, you name it. That´s another spark of light.

Well, I´m getting my second wind and the dog has moved to more comfortable quarters. I´m listening to some happy music, which goes to prove that being up in the middle of the night can be a very good thing. Maybe I will switch my 12 hour shifts around. I can pretend to have nothing to do with the daytime at all, but just let the dog out at regular intervals. Ha, if it were only that simple. I do have to go out now and then and forage for food and go see my SPN. But it really almost is that simple.

I have to wash my hair and condition it. It is very dry and sticking up all over the place. I look like a wild woman, which I am at heart. Just a very subdued wild woman. I will do that after I clean up the kitchen. Oh yes, I´m going to do that next. I will feel good once I have it done and that is good for my self esteem. I may even sweep the living room. Well, maybe. I mustn´t make myself to many promises. I get over courageous and then things don´t work out and I feel bad.

It´s -7C outside and foggy. That means no more new snow, but what there is, is freezing and getting slippery. It´s darn near dangerous to walk outside with how icy everything is getting. I vote for warmer temperatures and rain. I´m sure a lot of people are, except little kids with sleds and patient parents.

Alright. I´m off to clean the kitchen, wish me luck. I need it.

Ciao,
Nora

Saturday Morning.

It's -12C outside, so I'm not quite ready yet to go and walk the dog. I hope he can wait a while until it gets just a bit warmer. I'm sure all the ice skating fanatics are ready at every bit of open water that's frozen over and are out there tying on their skates now before it gets to crowded on the ice. There are a lot of ice skating fanatics in this country. It's in the blood. Last year there was lots of good skating on natural ice, so nearly everybody has skates now and they will want to put them to good use. I wonder if there will be another run on skates by the people who didn't manage to get a pair last season, because they were all sold out. The manufacturers couldn't keep up with the demand.

I managed to sleep eight hours last night, yet after I got up and had my breakfast and took my morning medication and answered some emails, I went back to bed and slept another three hours. I don't know if that is because of the tranquilizers that I take or because I just needed the additional sleep. I would have to try and not take the tranquilizers some morning and find out, Maybe I can do that tomorrow and see what happens. I'm reluctant to go without any of my medicines, because of the changes in my constitution, but sometimes it's worth trying to see if it makes any difference in my energy levels. Like I am doing now with the antipsychotic.

I haven't noticed any difference so far in my interest in tackling the apartment and that is what I'm really waiting for. I'm waiting for that little burst of energy that will get me started on the jobs I have to do. Some boost in my level of interest in getting those things done. The fact that I care enough to. Right now I don't see that changing. I am mostly uninterested in most anything I would have to do and I find myself putting off other things as well until the moment that they can't be put off any longer. I guess it's the approaching deadline that works as a motivating factor for me right now, but it's always looming over me as the sword of Damocles. It's not how it ought to be. I hope to see some change in that today.

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I've just been absent for quite a while. I had to walk the dog and then I got distracted by a website that offered very good wallpaper, but I had to click through the images randomly, so sometimes it took a while before I found a good one. It was just the sort of almost mindless job that I was interested in, because every once in a while I got excited when I found one that I liked and I could save. That's the kind of work I need to do. Just stick me behind a computer and let me do mind numbing work that occasionally is exciting to keep my interest going. There must be lots of jobs like that.

I pick images that I'd like to have on my screen as wallpaper, but I also have been using them as images for the tops of my posts lately and I got feedback that they were well liked. So, the only criteria I have, is if I would like the image as a wallpaper. If the answer is yes, then I download it and save it. You wouldn't believe the good stuff that you can find on the Internet and it's all anarchistically for free. No, the Internet is not democratic. It's a jungle and a free for all. We assume we will all be polite and gentlemanly, but whose to say we will be? It's amazing that it works so well. Just don't hang out in the fringes.

Of course, I'm not getting anything valuable done, though I did just clean up cat barf. Gandhi had eaten dog food and was too greedy with the obvious result. For some reason the dog decided not to eat it and I had not noticed that, being so wrapped up in what I was doing. I do have a one track mind sometimes and only a gagging cat will disturb me.

It's time to come back to reality and have a good look around me and see what I am going to do with the rest of my day. I am wasting my time fruitfully. I can get so lost in things, I'm sure you all have the same problem, but isn't that pleasant, though? It's really nice when you're doing something that completely takes your mind off things and lets you not have a care in the world for a while. I completely forgot my surroundings, I was so lost in those images. It just goes to show you which photos you don't have to take, because they've already been taken by somebody else, unless you want them as your own mementos.

It also shows you which photos are just pure kitsch and that you should not take them for the sake of good taste. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but when you see many of them like it on a photography website, you realize they're no good and it is a waste of time to take them. Photos of babies and puppies and kittens and pretty young women are a dime a dozen. Those aren't the winning photographs. Besides, nowadays you can't take photos of half naked children without feeling that they're going to be exploited somehow. I would be very uncomfortable placing them. Equally with shots of alluring young women. Why do we need them anyway, if not to draw the male viewer in with promises of sensuality? Those are not the photographs that are appealing to me and I'm certainly not going to download them, although some of them are quite beautiful. There's so much you don't want to do in this day and age. We're past the age of innocence.

Oh, I'm moralizing, aren't I? Well, I will get off my soap box and get back down to street level where I belong. I certainly can't dictate good taste, although I think everyone should have it. I do realize it develops depending on your circumstances and what you are exposed to. I know that when I lived a middle class life, my tastes were much more pedestrian, although they were slightly more enlightened then your average housewife. I was not as evolved as I am now and who's to say that I am all that evolved now compared to other more enlightened human beings? I may still be very limited in my points of view and be unaware of a whole lot of observations on life that I've not been exposed to. I try my best, though, to stay open and aware.

Well, having wasted a good portion of the day, I will draw an end to this epistle and see if I can do some other things instead. Packaging books may be a useful thing to do. It's always a lot of work and it will keep me busy for a while. I hope I don't run out of steam halfway through. I must finish it all at once.

Have a good day you all. 't Is the weekend before Christmas and no doubt you're all busy getting ready for that. Don't forget to take a breather every now and then.

Ciao,
Nora