Reading again...

With a great deal of pleasure, I finished reading "The Stone Diaries" by Carol Shileds. It didn't matter one bit that I had read it before because I had forgotten enough about it to enjoy it all over again. There were so many interesting details in it that grabbed my attention, and the story was so well written, that I was not bored for one moment. It is no wonder that it got a Pulitzer Prize.

Once I started reading it, it was hard to put down and today I read for a long time until I had a sore rear end from sitting in my armchair. I can recommend this novel to anyone, but I have to warn you that it will spoil you for any novel you will try to read afterwards. I tried to start reading another author, but found it impossible. I was too struck down by reading the beautiful prose of Carol Shields.

I'm going to read "Dressing Up For The Cranival" next. She wrote that also and it is a collection of short stories. I'm happy to read anything by her and have to look on my bookcasereally well and find other work by her. I've gotten so used to her voice that nothing else will do at the moment.

What I found very encouraging is how much I enjoyed the act of reading and how lost I got in the novel to the exclusion of everything else. That hasn't happened in a long time. As a rule, I've become distracted and I have been unable to concentrate for any length of time. I used to be a great reader and I thought I had lost the ability forever

I'm very happy that my ability to get lost in a book has returned although I do have to add that I can't indiscriminately read anything. I am critical of what I read and the voice it's written in. I have to, in a way, hear it spoken in my head as if it's telling me the story. And there has to be a cadence to it with a rhythm and a natural flow. As if it's a song that's being sung set to music. Carol Shileds can do that.

I've got to go now. I've got to read. I don't have time to blog.

Ciao,
Irene

Assumptions...

I've started to read again but I've picked a book that I've already read before and that I enjoyed very much. I think that will make it easier to get back into the habit of reading. I think it will be easier to concentrate on the story and keep my attention focused on it and I won't have to worry about remembering who all the characters are. I know the book is pretty straight forward and doesn't mess around with a lot of plot lines. I'm sympathetic to the main character and care about what happens to her without losing sight of the plight of the whole cast.

I've got some women's magazines to read also that I got from my sister, but they are so optimistic in nature that I almost can't read them. The stories all have happy endings and are not very realistic, but of course they are wriiten to make the readers feel good. They are not for the liberated, feministic woman at all. More than anything they are written with the purpose of keeping women believing that they should be happy no matter what. In a way they still have the morals of the 1950's behind them.

I really hope that this attempt at reading is going to be successful. I tried it before and enjoyed the book, but it didn't lead to anything else. I didn't suddenly turn into a reader again. Maybe I should just reread many novels and not try to start on a brand new one. Reading familiar ones may be the way to go for now.

I won't have to order any books for a while. I have enough old ones that are interesting enough to read over again and when I get ready, there will be enough new ones to read. There's always the temptation to order new books that I hear about, and there's still some room on the bookcase, but it would be a waste of money right now, so I better wait. I do like owning books and I like to look at them. To me they are a treasure.

Ciao,
Irene

Another cup of coffee...

I realize that I've got to make some more coffee if I want to feel at all better than I do now. It will be a last ditch effort. It is the only thing I know to do that I think will help. It is either that, or crawl back into bed. I'm not exactly in the mood for that because it is too early in the day for a nap. I've got to find another way to cheer up.

I woke up this morning with a headache and pain in my neck and shoulders, so that was not a good beginning to the day. I also felt very stressed and my thoughts raced through my mind almost from the minute I got up. They jumped from one subject to the other at amazing speeds. I don't know what to blame that on.

I seemed to do a bit better after I took my medicines but that may have all been in my magination. I don't think I have really improved that much. I'm a bit calmer now maybe. 

I have to try and find the magic formula to peacefulness. I know that I am capable of this because I have felt it in the past. It may have been quite by chance that I felt it but I know it exists. If I do everything just right, maybe I will feel it again. Writing these thoughts down helps a lot too. 

Sometimes I find it very difficult to be me, especially when I can't find my peace and quiet. When they are so elusive that I'm left with nothing but free floating anxiety. 

I've had my first cup of coffee and I feel somwhat better now. I suppose that was a good choice then. It's straightening out my head to some extend. 

I was supposed to do some paperwork today that I have been putting off and have not yet found the right moment for. It's not very complicated but does require me to pay attention and it is a responsible job. I can't do it when I'm stressed. It literally makes me sick just thinking about it. I will put it off until this weekend when I will feel less pressure on me. 

Yesterday, as if by some miracle, I started reading a book. It is one I got for Christmas on the workings of the brain. I hope it keeps continuing to capture me and that I will finish it. So far it is interesting but I won't be able to concentrate on it if I feel this amount of stress. I will make myself sit down and try to read it again today for about an hour. Anything to do with the brain is fascinating to me. 

First I will find some other relaxing activities to do behind the computer. The dog has stopped bothering me and has gone to sleep. I was waiting for that to happen. He's a little spoiled sometimes and won't eat his kibbles. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

Please skip the scepticism...

I think the medication for my stomach is beginning to work because I can eat a little bit better without it causing me as many problems. Needless to say, this is a great relief. It's a great thing when you can eat something without your stomach going in an uproar. I can't eat a lot, but just enough to satisfy my hunger and I can eat four or five times a day. 

I can't believe how much my stomach problems influence my mood. I used to think it was the other way around, but it isn't. I can be in a perfectly good mood until my stomach starts to act up. I get so uncomfortable and frustrated then. I stay uncomfortable for at least two hours, so it takes a while to get back to normal. It's good to realize which comes first. I'd go through life thinking I was one heck of a frustrated person. 

I'm very optimistically minded, really, and I'm usually in a good mood. As long as my stomach agrees with me, I'm one happy camper. 

The day went by quickly and I hope that the weekend goes by quickly also, although I do look forward to being a bit lazy. As a matter of fact, I look forward to that a lot. There's nothing better than lounging around in your bathrobe and making the morning last as long as possible. Postponing the start of the day with a cup of coffee and navel contemplation is very pleasant. 

The dishes have been done, the bed's been changed and the laundry has been washed and hung up to dry. The apartment is all clean too. That doesn't leave much for me to do. This weekend I will have to start reading again out of self preservation. I have several new books to choose from, one of them in Dutch. I will have to see which language I will want to read in. 

I have to watch the news and be a well informed person again. I haven't watched television all day. I don't know what's wrong with me. 

Ciao,

Nora

On the second Christmas day....

Because my daughter and her father will be going to Italy with my sister and her friend for a few days in the morning, I will have some time to myself and no need to get up early and to be dressed on time. I can be lazy and go as slow as I want. Once I finally get the show on the road, I will have to find a place for all the Christmas presents I got because I haven't had a chance to do that yet. 

The apartment is not that big and whenever new things come into it, a place has to be found for them and some rearranging has to be done. I got a lot of personal care products, so I need to empty a shelf in the bathroom to put them on. I always have to try to get things down to the very basics and not waste any space. Choices need to be made about what is obsolete and can be thrown out. And it can never be regretfully so. 

I got four new books and those need a place on the bookcase. Needless to say, they have a high priority to get read and I will do my utmost best to do that as soon as possible because they were all chosen with care. I will have to make it a point to sit down and read for a while every day in my armchair and do nothing else. It will be good training for my mind and my attention span. It will prevent my thoughts from drifting and that's something that definitely needs to happen. 

I got some anklet socks that are very soft and infused with some kind of lotion and I'm supposed to put them on after I have given myself a proper wellness treatment with all my personal care products, which I will do today. I've also gotten a nice set of lounge wear which I will wear tonight. I will treat myself nicely today and make it as special as I can. It will be my day off as far as that is possible with the dog. It's too bad that he needs to get walked or I would wear the lounge wear all day long.

Yesterday we went to Aachen, in Germany, and walked around downtown and visited Charlemagne's beautiful cathedral. The weather wasn't all that great, it was drizzling and cold, and we found a safe haven in a cozy cafe where we had something hot to drink. There was no sitting out on a heated terrace. Apparently the Germans don't do that kind of thing. I had a cappuccino with whipped cream and felt very decadent. That's not on the menu in the Netherlands. 

I should go back to bed now but I find myself wide awake. That is a bit of a problem. I doubt that I'd fall asleep now. I seem to be in the wrong time zone again. I'll have to find some way to keep myself busy until I get tired enough to go to bed. I will go find a place for all the Christmas presents.

Have a good day you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Revenge of the awful dog...

I've tried to get a good night's sleep for a couple of hours now, but every hour or so the dog woke me up with some excuse or another. I tried to ignore him, but I finally gave up and got up because I could not stay asleep any longer. I will try again later when he has settled down. 

I'm sitting here yawning, but this cup of coffee I'm having should help that.The dog is asleep by my feet. Hopefully now he will be sweet and docile. The cat is sitting on the kitchen counter eating her kibbles. To her it doesn't matter if it's day or night. She does what she pleases when it pleases her and bothers no one. She's easy. 

I must say that I'm glad the weekend is over, although it did go by quickly so it wasn't a long ordeal to get through. Nothing worth mentioning happened. It was just an ordinary weekend like so many others. The most pleasant thing I did was take naps in the afternoon which got me over the tough time of the day when I never know what to do with myself.

Now that I don't read anymore, my books stand forlorn on the bookcase and I no longer get lost for several hours at the time in literature. I often think I will never read another novel again because I absolutely have no interest in them. It's like I don't want to get lost in them and be cut of from reality. I feel that I constantly have to be in touch with the here and now. 

I do like to watch sports on television. I feel that's very actual and real. I hardly feel like I'm escaping. I also like to watch cultural programming, but again, I feel like I've got at least one foot in reality and I'm not lost in a dream because the programs are very objective. It would be different if they were lyrical journeys. I like very factual things, although that's very different from how I used to be. I used to watch television to escape and now I watch it to face reality. 

That must be why I like news programs so much and political talk shows. I do squirm when politicians are interviewed in depth. So few of them are willing to come right out and give a straight answer. They don't like to be pinned down. I dislike evasive answers and the politicians who give them. I do like good interviewers who don't back off. 

I suppose I'm wide awake now and I will have to drink milk to get sleepy again. At least the dog has settled down. I will have to go find my bed and get under the duvet and sleep a few hours before the personal helper gets here. 

I hope you will have all had a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Singlehandedly lucid...

I've downed my first cup of coffee as quickly as I could and now I'm drinking the second one at a more normal rate. I wanted to inhale the first one quickly so as to become clearheaded as soon as I could. I was slightly discombobulated when I got up and not completely in charge of all my faculties. Yet compelled to stay up I was anyway after having gone to the toilet and having let the dog out back. 

The cold night air did help a bit and it was great to stand by the back door in my pajamas. I purposely stood with the door wide open so I would get extra chilled. It was all the more pleasant to put my bathrobe on afterwards. But it's the coffee that's really waking me up as usual. The caffeine cleared all the cobwebs from my mind. 

For a change I made the coffee somewhat strong again and I must say that I appreciate the punch it's carrying. It's like having someone rattle your brain in a very pleasant but assertive way. I had forgotten that about strong coffee. I'm almost instantly carried to a higher plane by the caffeine. It's elevating my thinking capacities and putting me in a good mood. 

Actually, my mood was good enough when I woke up. It's not that I got up on the wrong side of the bed. I very seldom do that anymore. Mostly I'm a mild mannered woman when I wake up. Only rarely do I feel grumpy and that's easily remedied. I'm not the volatile woman I used to be, full of emotions and always on a roller coaster. I seldom take that ride anymore and if I do get on it, I get off as quickly as I can. 

But a contented person is a boring person and that's probably why these posts are not so very interesting anymore. I very seldom have anything earth shattering to report. I don't run into huge problems and don't on a daily basis spill all the beans like I used to. I feel that I mostly write for my own sake to keep a daily record of what I do. It's like writing in a diary and every once in a while I can look back on the days that have passed. 

The weekend went by very quickly and I hardly know where the time went. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary, but the hours sped by. I did the odd chore, walked the dog, took some naps and that was about it. I didn't even read like I had planned to. All I did was enjoy some 'Far Side' cartoons. I have a collection of them. I look at them every now and then and am always amused. They put an evil grin on my face. 

I'm glad it is Monday now and the week will be properly started. I'm ready for some action. The days of being lazy are over. But first I've got to go back to bed to get the rest of my sleep. The night's not nearly over yet, even though I'm already prepared to start the day. It's a little premature I think. 

I hope you're all sleeping tightly.

Ciao,

Nora

Aiming for homeruns...

I slept very deep and soundly until I woke up because I had to go to the toilet. Much to my consternation, but not surprisingly, I turned out to be quite awake after that and the dog had to go out back for a piddle. The cold air got rid of whatever remainder of sleep was left in my head and I had to put on my bathrobe to get warm again. Coffee was quickly made and a cup easily downed. That almost completed the waking up process.

I'm working on my third cup now and have finished what was in the pot, yet I'm still yawning. Those must be the last vestiges of sleep I have in me and that stubbornly hang on. At least I'm not yawning as severely and dangerously as when I first got up. It is abating a bit now. I also don't have tears running down my face like I sometimes do. Everything is under control. After this last cup of coffee I will be right as rain. The caffeine will have caught up with me. 

It's with some amount of joy that I sit here and realize that today is Sunday. It will officially be my day off and I have done most of my chores yesterday. I only have a small stack of mail to look through, but there shouldn't be any surprises in it. I don't expect any bills. It is all innocuous mail that's easily dealt with. I no longer have the fear of mail that I used to have and I empty the mailbox almost every day. As a rule, half the time there's nothing really important in it and sometimes there's a nice surprise. Yes, those do exist too. 

I will dress up in my finest and pretend I have some place special to go to. You never know when the queen will summon me to have a cup of tea with her. There will be cultural programs on TV and speed skating from Russia. The weather should be good and I will take the dog for a longer walk, providing he co-operates and doesn't stubbornly stop at every tree and bush and blade of grass. My patience does wear thin after a while. I'm not the angelic figure I pretend to be. 

I have not made good yet my intention to pick out a novel from the bookcase. It quite frankly slipped my mind, showing you that reading doesn't take a high priority on my list of things to do. I must not have the right mind set. I spend an inordinate amount of time watching inane programs on TV. That's how lazy I get. I even like how irritated I get with them and find myself making negative remarks about them out loud. That must serve a purpose somehow. It probably makes me feel superior. I really do need to read a good book. A critical mind is a terrible thing to waste.

I must get back to bed. It's time to get the rest of my sleep under the comfortable duvet. The next time I'm up, it will be morning and the sun will be up too. Hopefully, the day will be bright and full of promise. 

Ciao,

Nora

Being awake is another option...

Optimistically speaking, it's very early in the morning, although it will be some time yet until it's dawn. I won't let that bother me and pretend the day is starting anyway. If I were a dairy farmer, I'd almost be getting ready to milk my cows, especially if I had a large herd.

I'm very cozily sitting here in my bathrobe with my cup of coffee. I slept well and was lovingly woken up by the dog who had to go out back. He's sound asleep now on the sofa. I feel that not much can go wrong right now and all is well with the world. I'm going to enjoy these first hours of the day as much as I can. 

When I was rearranging the bookcase the other day, I found '101 Crossword Puzzles for Dummies.' I don't remember exactly who bought me this, but I suspect it was my first ex-husband who knows I am crossword puzzle mad. I had forgotten that it was there and now I have been sitting down doing the puzzles.

I'm happy to say that I can solve most of them with only a minimum amount of cheating. I spent two hours on them yesterday afternoon until I was sick and tired of them. Still, I conveniently laid the book on my desk because I know I will want to do more of them today. 

I also have the Collected New York Times and Los Angeles Times Sunday Crosswords. It will be a while before I try those because they are a bit harder to do. I used to solve them when I still lived in the States, but I'm not as savvy now. You have to be more than a dummy to do those and be steeped in the culture. They are not for sissies. 

So, the interesting things you find when you rearrange your bookcase. There were books there that I hardly ever pay attention to and that are worth my time  looking at. Some have beautiful photographs in them and I haven't looked at them for ages. They are so neglected. If I don't look at them, who will?

I haven't got anything special planned for today. I'm hoping to get that phone call from the optician to say that my glasses will be ready to be picked up, but frankly, I've given up hope. I won't expect it and then I won't be disappointed. I already called them on Tuesday and they said it could be any day. Blagh!

I will take my medicines now and make a pot of green tea with lemon. Then I will sit in my arm chair and do some crossword puzzles until dawn. That ought to keep me out of trouble.

I hope you'll all have a lovely day.

Ciao,

Nora

A cup of coffee will help...

It's late in the evening and I've already been asleep. Unfortunately, I was not as lucky as I was Monday night when I went to bed early and stayed asleep all night long. I slept for almost twelve hours then. It was unheard of.

No, tonight I woke up again, but I was sitting here bleary eyed, almost unable to do anything, and I was thinking about going back to bed. Then I realized that I had not had any coffee yet and quickly made some and now I'm having a cup of it. Rather rapidly I'm coming to my senses as the caffeine kicks in. I'm almost coherent now. 

I must have had a shortage in my brain to think I could have sat here without a cup of coffee. I know I can't function without having had the caffeine. I don't know what I was thinking. A general lethargy had a hold of me and it felt as if my body was pulled down extra hard by gravity. Beyond the normal pull that gravity has. 

I had that lethargy in my brain also. Thank goodness for bright ideas and the willpower to see them through. It did cost me some effort to open up the new package of coffee. As always it was vacuum packed and a pain in the neck to open. You're supposed to be able to do that without the aid of scissors and it's quite a trick. It's a matter of honor that I do. 

I don't know how I managed to sleep for almost twelve hours Monday night. I did get up twice. Once to go to the toilet and once to let the dog out back. Both times I was very sleepy headed and stumbled back into bed. I haven't slept like that since I was a teenager. I'm sorry I'm not repeating the exercise tonight. I did have great hopes, but I was foiled in my attempt. 

I alphabetized the bookcase. I thought I was doing a great job, but in the end I was left with about ten books that I had overlooked. I just stuck those in at the end. I can't be perfect and I'll know where they are. I took my time doing that while the domestic help cleaned the apartment. I wanted to make myself useful while she was here. 

I may not be reading much, but at least my books are organized. While I was doing this, I ran into all sorts of books I have not read yet and they did make me curious. I'm going to wait until I get my varifocal glasses and see if they make any difference in my reading ability. I may also dislike reading because I have crappy reading glasses. We'll see. These don't correct for my astigmatism and that may make a difference. 

The weather was dreary today. It was drizzling and chilly. It was not the kind of day to be cheerful about. I suppose you could say that it was a real autumn day in the worst sense. Today it's going to be a lot better and we'll even have some sunshine. I don't mind the cold as long as the sun is shining. I have grown quite attached to sunshine this fall. I've really learned to appreciate it after all the rain we had. 

The dog is trying to convince me that he needs to go out again. He knows just the kind of facial expression to make with that plea. I'm ignoring him for now. I'll wait and see how badly he really needs to go. Sometimes it's just an excuse to go out back and sniff all over the place because the cat has gone out there. 

I've got to think about going back to bed, but of course I'm wide awake now. I will start drinking cold milk and see if it will alter my brainwaves into a different pattern. A more 'go to sleep now' pattern. Sometimes it works. Milk seems to have that effect on me. It's nice if certain beverages alter your brain chemically. You don't have to rely on pills. 

Have a good night all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Scribbling down the words...

I'm having a nice enough time sitting here in the middle of the night with my usual cup of coffee and my cigarette. Isn't it just the perfect scenario for me? I couldn't ask for a better setting. It's as if all the items are set in place and I fit in with them perfectly. 

I fill my niche completely. All I have to do is get up and make coffee and sit down in my desk chair behind the computer. The rest happens almost by itself. I'm a single middle aged woman with a set routine that will probably never change. And I like it. 

All that will happen is that I'll slowly grow older, but I'll ignore that for now. Maybe if I don't pay close enough attention, I won't notice it, although I must say that I've gotten used to looking into the magnifying mirror that I've just gotten into my possession and it tells me a different story. 

In it I see many wrinkles when I apply the soothing Zwitsal baby lotion to my face. But then I tell myself that no one else ever sees me quite like that and turn the mirror over to the normal view. That's much less painful. I'll have to remember to not get up close and too personal with anyone. 

The one comfort that I do have is that all the wrinkles in my face are laugh lines and are caused by me smiling or laughing a lot. I can't think of a better reason for them to be there. That's so much better than having a droopy face and the furrows that go with that. 

I've remembered to put my bathrobe into the washing machine and it is now waiting for a full load that I can wash. I'm sitting here in my warm, gray, oversized cardigan which is mostly wool and keeps me warm too. 

For a change, I'm wearing a matching set of pajamas because I reorganized the stack of matched and mismatched pairs of them.  I didn't even know what I owned anymore and was surprised to find the matching pair. I've also organized my tank tops and T-shirts.

Sometimes you can look at a semi-mess for a long time and grow so used to it that you forget to do anything about it until one day it dawns on you that you can and that it's relatively simple to. All you have to do is wrap you mind around it. 

I now have three neat stack of clothes on my shelf system and it's fairly simple to keep them that way, providing my domestic help doesn't get it in her head to reorganize them. She does have an independent mind sometimes and does things that are beyond my logic. 

Yesterday was a good enough day, although it was cold and dreary and it rained for part of it. It wasn't exactly cheerful weather. I had to postpone walking the dog in the evening and he was kind of put out about that because he thought we weren't going at all. 

Luckily, when he despaired, it stopped raining and we took a romp around the fields. Today it's going to be a little bit warmer, but it will only be temporary and tomorrow it will be wet and cold again. The dampness is really the worst. The cold is not bad and it would be great if there were sunshine.

I'm going to sit in my armchair for a while now and read. It's not nearly dawn yet and I have lots of time left. The day is my oyster. Hopefully there will be enough excitement in it. I'm more than ready for some. I'll have to make it as interesting as I can. I'll make sure I'm up to the challenge. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Testing the nighttime waters...

I got up about an hour ago and have been reading blogs and drinking coffee since then. I'm afraid I'm super honest in any comments I leave and think that sometimes I'm a little too harsh. That's how I am in the middle of the night. I tend to see things for what they are and I find it difficult to be super polite. I hope I'm forgiven for that. Hopefully people know me well enough to take what I say with a grain of salt. Maybe I worry too much about it and it isn't as bad as I think it is. We will see. 

I'm drinking my last cup of coffee now before I'm switching to cold milk and then I can have that wonderful burping experience and noisy stomach. My daughter told me that, since I'm a blood type O-positive person, I should not drink any milk at all. I can well believe it, since it never seems to agree with me, but I love it so much. I'm addicted to it, but aren't you often to the things that are bad for you? 

I may have to rethink my diet completely because it seems I'm eating all the wrong things. This may explain some of the intestinal problems I'm having. I must eat more fruit and vegetables and even some meat. And also take some food supplements such as vitamin B12 and iron. That may explain the dizziness I so often get. Fish alone may not be the solution. 

Anyway, it's really very early in the morning and I'm feeling very hopeful about the day. It is Sunday, after all, and a day I usually enjoy a lot because it's the day on which I do chores and visit my sister. At this moment, I'm very much wide awake, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stay that way. I may get sleepy later on and have to go back to bed. We'll see. 

I've started reading 'The Joy Luck Club' and it's as good as I remember it without being boring because I've read it before. I've forgotten enough about it for it to be interesting. I do enjoy Amy Tan's style of writing which is very relaxed and intimate. You feel like she's written down the stories just for you. 

I went back to bed after I had sat in my armchair and read. I slept for a few hours and got up just in time for a package to be delivered. I was just going to change into my clothes when the intercom rang. I had ordered some new underwear on line and there were two cotton underwire bras from a brand I hadn't tried before, so I was eager to try them on. 

I know I am fortunate to be able to order bras on line and that women usually have a heck of a time buying them. These fit perfectly with a small adjustment of the shoulder straps. The fact that they are cotton makes them very comfortable to wear. They look nice and also look good under my tight fitting tops. I do love wearing a good looking bra. It makes me feel special and I deserve that. Heck, any woman deserves a good bra. 

I think I'll go change the sheets on my bed in case I decide to go back to it some time this morning. It will be great to get in between clean ones. It's time for the duvet cover with the little red roses. First I'll take my medicines to get off to a good start. Then nothing can stand in the way of a good day. 

Enjoy your Sunday, no matter what the weather is like. 

Ciao,

Nora

Tricky ways...

The dog has tricky ways to wake me up. First he licks my face and neck and if that doesn't work (because I fake sleep), he gently starts to bark at me. He knows I can't ignore him then. He's very satisfied with himself when I get up. As if he is congratulating himself on a job well done. He goes straight to sleep on the sofa when he knows I'm sufficiently awake and there's not another peep out of him. 

Isn't he a smart dog? And he does all of that for a bit of watchful company. I think he's got my number and he's speed dialing me in the middle of the night. I'll have to cut down on some of his privileges or I'll have to change my number. 

It's damp and cold and rainy outside. I finally had to close the windows and even turn on the heater. That's how uncomfortable I got. I hated to give in to this urge, but there was no other choice. I was just plain old cold. I think it's the dampness that really got to me. It chilled me to the bone and I couldn't get warm enough.  Now I'm luxuriating in the warmth of the apartment. It is very pleasant after having been so uncomfortable. 

It's been raining off and on since early yesterday morning. Sometimes it came down in buckets and it was impossible to go walk the dog. He sat in front of the window along with the cat and together they watched the rain come down. They were united in their fascination with it. They do have to have some distraction from bothering each other. 

I'm going to be reading 'The Joy Luck Club' by Amy Tan. I've read it before, but have fond memories of it and that's the kind of book I need. I have some other books by her and hopefully this one will get me in the mood to read those. I'm looking forward to it anyway. It's been a long enough time since I read 'The Joy Luck Club' that I've forgotten a lot about it and it should capture my imagination all over again. I'm going to sit in my armchair in a little while and start on it. 

Since today is Saturday, I can do with the day as I please. I can sleep when I want and read when I want and watch TV when I want. As long as I walk the dog regularly there's no problem. I'm allowing myself that kind of a day off. Doubtlessly, I'll do a chore or two. I never fail to. But it won't be anything big. It doesn't have to be anyway because the domestic help was here yesterday and she took care of most things.

Right, I'm off to start my book. It will be nice to sit in my armchair and read with a cup of tea. It will warm my insides. I'll go back to bed later.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

The starry sky...

I stood outside by the back door in the cold night air and looked at the starry sky and it made me wish I was in the countryside where I would have been able to see many more stars. That made me wish I was camping in the desert by a campfire, drinking a cup of hot coffee and looking up at that sky. I would have worn very warm clothes and had a very warm sleeping bag for the cold desert night. 

Isn't it nice to have a fantasy like that? I can pretend it really happened having spent time in the deserts in New Mexico and California and having seen the night skies there. Thank goodness that I do have those experiences to fall back on. All I have to do is retrieve some of my memories and I'm there. They are the film fragments in my mind. They are stored there for the rest of my life. Even if I get demented I will remember them.

I hope to never get demented and lose my memories, although if I could selectively eliminate a few, I would gladly do that. There are some memories I have that seem to have no other function than to cause me heartache and I can do without them completely. I wish I could pick those out of my memory bank and delete them. Those are the ones that rear their ugly heads when I get depressed and when I have the least use for them. But I mustn't think about that now. I'm feeling good and it is time to only think of the better memories. 

Because of the open windows, there's a draft in the apartment and I think it's rather pleasant. I feel the cool air moving around me ever so gently. I think it's very refreshing because, as usual, I like to feel just a little bit on the cool side in the middle of the night, as long as I'm wearing my warm bathrobe. My hands and feet are cold, but my nose is warm and I'm still drinking hot coffee. Outside there's a cold wind blowing. Because of the wind chill factor, it feels like it's 37F out there. Brrr...

I didn't get around to reading yesterday morning, so I haven't picked out a new book yet. I will have to do that today. I went back to bed and slept late because it was going to be an empty day pretty much. I managed to amuse myself doing nothing important at all and that's a real art too. It takes a certain amount of finesse. I've got to put some thought into choosing a book lest I get stuck with another boring one. I will not regain my love for reading in that case. I do leave bookmarks in the books that I leave unfinished in case I get in the mood for reading them again. 

I've got to decide what I'm going to do now. I'm either going back to bed or staying up to read. I do need the sleep, but I'm not quite ready for it yet. If I had cows to milk, I would go milk them now. And chickens to feed. I'll go look on the bookcase for an interesting book. Maybe it will jump out at me and grab me. 

Have a nice Friday all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Definitely early in the morning...

I've had my coffee, so I'm more than alert enough and quite capable of writing a post. That is, providing I can think of enough interesting things to write about. It is always a bit of a problem so early in the morning when nothing much has taken place yet. I have to rely on my imagination and my memory of the day before, but with the caffeine in me that shouldn't really be all that difficult. It does jar my braincells into action. I haven't had a cup of coffee yet that doesn't have that effect. I've had two of them and that ought to do the job.

I was sitting here in my pajamas, but now that I'm drinking a glass of ice cold milk, I've had to put on my bathrobe. It really should have been washed in the last load of laundry, but I was loathe to miss it for any length of time. It smells a bit stale and musky and I'm going to have to wash it anyway. There's no way around it. I'll have to wear my gray woolen cardigan if I get cold while I wait for my bathrobe to dry. That's not too bad either and it will keep me almost as warm. 

Last night I failed to finish watching an episode of 'Lewis.' It was interesting, but halfway through I started yawning. I thought about staying up and finishing watching it, but I started longing for my bed. In the end. I put my pajamas on and took my sleeping pill and was sound asleep in the shortest amount of time. I think I put my head down on the pillow and was instantly asleep. 

I'll have to get off the sleeping pill. I'm going to have to slowly cut down. It's not that it really helps me sleep anyway. I do enough of that without it. I'll have to discuss this with my psychiatrist and do it under his guidance. It will be good to get off it because I don't know how much it influences my state of mind. It's supposed to be a pretty powerful pill and it's best to do without it. I don't want to take anything that alters my state of mind like that. That is a barbiturate. I should be able to do this, just like I did with the tranquilizers. 

I don't have anything special on the program today. I can actually be as lazy as I want to be, but I'm not really in the mood for that. I'm going to have to try and think of some things to do, besides sleep late when I go back to bed. Thursday is always my day off and I usually don't have anything planned on that day. I must try and get a busier schedule. I should find something to occupy myself with in the long term. I'll have to make a commitment to something.

I've got to take my medicines and go back to bed. I'm not nearly done sleeping. Another possibility is that I'll sit in my armchair and drink tea and read for a while. I will have to find another book because I'm so not taken with the one I'm reading. It's turning into a chore to. That can't be the purpose of a relaxing activity. I'll have to look on the bookcase and see what books are left unread. I'm sure there are many to choose from. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Take me away again...

It's hard to figure out my what my schedule is today. That's because I was up most of the night and didn't go back to bed early this morning. I sat in my alternative armchair instead and read my novel while drinking numerous glasses of tea with sugar. That was very cozy but did cause a shortage of sleep that I had to make up for later in the morning after I had seen my SPN. 

I'm making headway through my novel and getting more interested in it as I do. I'm halfway through it now but consider myself lucky that I only have half of it left to read. You can tell that I'm not enjoying it as well as I should. I can't help it. It's a tough one to like. 'We Were The Mulvaneys' is not for the casual reader and that's exactly what I feel like now. I will have to choose something completely different for my next read. 

I took a nap later in the morning but was awakened from it prematurely by my neighbor who had found a piece of mail addressed to me in his mailbox. This always distresses him very much and instead of putting it in my mailbox, he feels compelled to ring my doorbell and hand it to me personally. He does this very grouchily as if it is all my fault and I planned it on purpose. It's not a nice way to wake up from a nap. 

I walked the dog in the hot sun and heard on the radio that it was going to be the hottest September in 100 years. I'm glad for everybody else that it's such nice weather but for me it doesn't have to be quite that warm. A little bit cooler weather would be alright too. I never feel that I'm appropriately dressed because somehow I can't get into my summer clothes anymore. It's the wrong time of year for them. I'm in the mood for wearing layers now and not skimpy tops.

I didn't do any chores to speak of because my schedule was so messed up and I hardly know what I did with my time. Most of it was lost to nothingness. Oh yes, I did go by the pharmacy for my supply of medicines and came home with a bag full. I shouldn't be proud of that and am not. It's just that I'm all set and won't have to worry about running out for a while. I do feel better when I'm well stocked. 

For the sake of getting some much needed sleep, I took another nap around dinnertime. I had to because I was unable to stay cheerful and alert. I was asleep in no time and slept for a few hours. I think I'm okay now and should be back to normal. I'm not going to do a repeat performance of a night like the one I had. It's not such a good idea to stay up and not get the hours of sleep that you need and watch the sun come up. I don't recommend it to anyone. 

I've got to eat still and I wonder what's on the menu. I would like to be surprised, but I think that won't happen. I can't fool myself and pretend I don't know what I'm fixing. 

Have a good night all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

The dog made me do it...

The dog woke me up when I wasn't nearly ready to and now I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee yawning my head off. I will come to my senses soon enough and it isn't half bad being up because I was going to be sooner or later anyway. The timing is just off a little bit. I had expected to sleep a little while longer. 

At least I'm not taking those god awful tranquilizers anymore that would have made me sit here in a stupor. I'm at least sound of mind and capable of thinking straight. Nor do I expect to hit a high when the caffeine has completely entered my system. I'm safe on all fronts and that makes me feel ever so much better. It's nice to sit here with my head screwed on straight. 

The dog, of course, doesn't want anything from me now. He apparently just wanted my company and no doubt was bored all on his own in the dark. That's the way it usually goes. I get up and he lies down somewhere and goes to sleep. 

The cat was sleeping on my pillow and had left just enough room for me to put my head down. At least she was that considerate. She takes up two thirds and I get the rest. She was kind enough not to pass gas. I do have to give her that.

Early yesterday morning, before I went back to bed, I sat in my armchair and read my novel while I drank glasses of ice cold milk. I read for about two hours until I got a backache from sitting in the chair. Apparently, it's not the best chair to sit in. I may have to move my place of operation to the other side of the room where there's a more comfortable chair. 

Once I was back in bed, I slept for another three hours, but I was bright eyed and bushy tailed when I got up. Well, that's exaggerating it a little bit, but I wasn't feeling any pain. A few cups of coffee were all it took before I could get the show on the road, but I think I could have done it after just one. I like to postpone the moment I get into action. I like to sit and ponder my navel for a while. 

I had to choose what to wear and what was appropriate for the warm weather, but I decided to boycott it and wear what I felt like wearing and what was in keeping with the temperature it was inside, which was a lot cooler. I didn't feel like wearing skimpy clothes. To me it was autumn and I wanted to wear the kind of clothes that were more in keeping with that season. Call me stubborn if you wish. 

I like the slant of the sunlight and the color of it. You could say that this season agrees with me very well and it's not because of the weather. It's the general atmosphere of it and the color of the leaves on the trees. Somehow it all feels very familiar and comfortable to me and I feel at home. Even frost in the morning wouldn't change my mind, although any snow or ice would, but I'm not expecting them. I'll have to perform a ritual to keep them away. 

I feel like I had a busy day yesterday, but I didn't do anything special except for some chores and walking the dog. The day passed by quickly. It felt like a full day when in reality it wasn't at all. I'm not complaining about it. That kind of a day is very pleasant. It means that I was very comfortable with myself and didn't get in my own way. I was my own best company. 

Today I have my last appointment with my SPN. I've bought a present for her future baby. It is strange that I will not see her again after today, but next week I already have an appointment with my new therapist and so you see, life continues. It just takes on a different form. The substance will be the same. 

I hope you will all have a wonderful day or that you are still having one.

Ciao,

Nora

The blues are far away...

Up in the wild blue yonder, that's where they are and that's the only place I see them anymore nowadays. Good riddance, they were around long enough to get thoroughly sick and tired of. Every once in a while, I try to call them to the surface to see if they are still there, but they are truly gone and no longer stuck in my head to plague me. 

Now it's just a matter of keeping them out and to do that I have to be as contented as I can possibly get while still allowing for the occasional grumpy mood that I'm bound to have also. Being a human being doesn't mean you only get to be good natured all the time. There are those moments when you are anything but. Hopefully, we'll let those be as short and 'sweet' as they can be. 

Periods of malcontent don't have to last long to make an impact.  One hour of it every once in a while is more than enough. It's best to get them over and done with quickly while taking a stance at the same time. You may achieve a long dreamed of goal. You can fight for something you believe in. The malcontent will get your momentum going. I think that's the original purpose of it and not just for us to be grumpy.

In the meantime I'm sitting here in the middle of the night going about my usual business. I've opened a new package of coffee and made a delicious fresh pot with it. It does make a difference if it's a newly opened pack. The coffee tastes better, or so I imagine. I realize how lucky I am to not have to forgo this simple pleasure. It's the little things like this that make life easier. With all the cuts in the budget, I'm still able to afford coffee. It would be a sad day if I were not.

I've tentatively started reading again. I've picked up where I left off with 'We Were The Mulvaneys.'  Yesterday morning, when I was planning on going back to bed, I sat in my armchair instead and read for two hours while drinking green tea with lemon. I have mixed feelings about this book. I want to like the characters, but I don't know if I'm in sympathy with them. There's some element of passion missing. I hope I start to care more as I get deeper into the story.

I promised myself that I would finish this book because I've left too many unread. I have to finish at least this one before I move onto the next one. I don't think that's too much to ask of myself, even if I do feel a slight discomfort with it. At least I'm trying to overcome that. After I have finished writing this post, I will sit down and read some more. It's pleasant to read in the early morning hours in all peace and quiet. I'm able to concentrate well. 

I'm done drinking coffee and will have my glass of cold milk now so my stomach will have something to do. It always does protest loudly after the first few sips. I don't know why it does that unless it's from the cold. I burp something awful. 

Have a lovely day all of you and I hope your weather will be as nice as ours will be. 

Ciao,

Nora

It's officially Saturday...

What a wonderful day for it to be. Of course, I have no real reason to think why it should be, except that it's a weekend day and I still somehow stubbornly believe that those are better than weekdays. Old beliefs die hard and this one will too. 

Nowadays my weekdays are as nice as the weekends are because I live through them with the least amount of pain. The stress has gone out of them, so they are really no big deal anymore.

A little part of me must still think that Saturday and Sunday are superior days and until I believe differently, I will enjoy them in that capacity as much as I can. I may as well get the most out of it. There's no sense in wasting a good feeling once you've got it. I don't need to talk myself out of it.

At least there will be better daytime programs on TV than there are during the week. That always cheers me up. I do need my cultural input and my sports. I can't be deprived of them. My brain needs to be fed with interesting and entertaining information. 

Right now, though, I've very much got to tell myself to live in the moment and not anticipate the day too much. I have to enjoy the moment I'm in and the fact that I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and my cigarettes, writing this post very leisurely. I'd almost forget to do that and it's so important. 

I'm sitting here in my pajamas and my bathrobe in an almost cool living room. All the windows are open at the top to keep airing out the apartment. It's chilly outside, but it never gets as cold inside. There's no wind blowing, so there's no draft to speak of.

I'm undecided if I'm going back to bed after I finish this. I may sit in the armchair and contemplate my navel. I actually feel very much awake and don't feel much like sleeping anymore. I'd like to have a garden to sit in and watch it become dawn. 

It's too bad that I don't like to read anymore because I could spend much leisurely time doing it. Now that I have the time, I don't have the inclination. I wonder if the urge to read will ever come back? I still treasure my books. To look at and for the memories. I just have no desire to read one. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Those rotten chores...

I've done my chores and the washing machine is churning away so I don't have to feel bad about sitting here and taking the time to write this. I've even done my administration and ordered new food for the dog on line. Yes, I have done my duties and didn't have a nervous breakdown. 

I only was in danger of having one for half a minute and then I dared it to. I faced it head on and decided it wasn't going to get to me. That I was stronger than it and that I was not in need of a tranquilizer simply because I had a number of stressful activities to take care of. 

I proved to be right. Opening the mail and facing possible bad news was not half as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was what it was, unpleasant. They wanted my money. I dislike that intensely, but it doesn't help if I have a breakdown over it.

In my spare moments I watched tennis at Roland Garros. There were some Dutch people playing and they needed my attention, not that it helped. We don't do all that great, not when faced with formidable opponents like Kim Klijsters and Marty Fish. It was fun to watch anyway and they were nice moments to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette.

I couldn't finish watching any of the matches, so I don't know how they ended. I had to do my chores and walk the dog in the windy day. There are rain clouds, but no rain has fallen out of them yet.

The dog had been stealing the potholders off their hook in the kitchen and playing with them. They had drool all over them and they're in the washing machine now. He has also been stealing the magnetic little animals off the refrigerator and I found them throughout the apartment. I put them up high, but he still got to them. 

It's a completely new activity for him that he's just discovered. Stealing things from the kitchen. I suppose that up till now, it was just a place to go eat and he hadn't really explored it properly. I guess next will be the dishtowels. I've got to go to the pet shop and buy him some new indestructible toys. He wrecked his rubber rabbit to the point that I had to toss it out. 

He really enjoyed tearing that rabbit apart and it took him a long time. It was worth the price I paid for it. I may get one like it again. It was the best toy we've had so far. 

I've got to put away the dishes and hang up the clean laundry. I'm glad the day is almost over. I have to walk the dog one more time and then I'm going to put on clean pajamas and vegetate in front of the television. I may even read my book. It will be an evening spent leisurely with the minimum amount of activity. 

You wouldn't have thought that officially this was my day off. I had no appointments today and nobody coming over. 

I hope you're all having a good day with the kind of weather you most want. 

Ciao,

Nora