A rainy Sunday.

It's only 7 degrees Celsius outside and it's been raining on and off all day. I haven't seen the blue sky yet, let alone any sunshine. I know there was a super moon during the night but it was not visible here because of the overcast sky. I missed that spectacle completely. I have to say that I don't feel especially energized or rebirthed or anything because of the close proximity of the moon to the earth. I guess that effect didn't work on me.

I'm doing jobs around the apartment. Now that I've struggled with and overcome my depression, it's time to take care of the things that were left undone for a while. Not all of them will get done today but that's not my intention. Whatever I don't get to today will get done later this week. I will have a clean bed to get into tonight anyway. I made darn sure of that. 

The dog thinks it's great fun to strip the bed and put the clean sheets on. He's always right in the middle of things, not realizing that he's actually very much in the way. I have to calculate his presence in with every move I make and that is after I've removed the cat from the bed much to her displeasure. The job does get done and the dog helps me put the dirty sheets in the washing machine too. He thinks that's very interesting. Heck, he thinks he has to be present at and on top of everything I do. 

I've put the red fleece blanket on top of the duvet because the dog was a little cold at night. Now I can tell that he's a bit more comfortable and the cat seems to like it too. I can throw it in the washing machine easily and it is dry in no time at all. I should have a couple of them in different colors and replace one with the other to change the scenery. I hope to go to Ikea again soon and see what's available. Maybe I can get my sister in the mood for a trip over there. 

I had a big load of dishes to do that I hadn't gotten around to doing for a couple of days. I wasn't in the proper mood before and that hasn't happened in a long time. First I set most of them to soak in very hot soapy water. As many of them as I could get to fit into the basin. When I could stand the temperature of the water, I scrubbed them clean and was done before I knew it. It turned out not to be such a bad job after all. These things always look worse than they are. 

The apartment is pretty much organized now and ready for the domestic help tomorrow. I'm going to have a busy day because my personal helper is going to be here in the morning and I also have an appointment with my therapist in between. After the fact, it's not really necessary but we didn't know that when we planned it. I'm doing ever so much better than I was two days ago. There's a world of difference and you wouldn't even think I was the same person. 

Tomorrow it's going to be 16 degrees Celsius, so that's quite a difference. Have a great day!

Ciao,

Irene

I've got my shoes...

...and I think that I will be wearing them a lot as long as I'm not wearing a dress on a regular basis. I don't seem to do that very much anymore hooked as I am on skinny jeans. I'll have to wait and see what the weather is going to do in the near future. If it is going to get any warmer and make it necessary for me to wear different clothes or if it's going to stay chilly and rainy like it has been.

Anyway, the walking shoes arrived and I put them on and they fit perfectly. Thank goodness that I'm such an average size by Dutch standards. Usually things fit me just fine. These shoes are great. It is like walking on air cushions. The only problem with them is that my feet do get very warm in them and my feet aren't used to being warm. They are usually on the cold side and that's more comfortable for me.

It may have to do with the fact that these shoes are weather proof and contain a special lining. This means they will be very nice to wear in the wintertime but I wonder how they will be when the weather is hot? I probably won't wear any socks. Maybe that will help.

On another subject, this depression I am fighting is a mean sun of a gun. I have to literally struggle it to the ground and arm wrestle it for position. This one is so evil that I can't give it any space and I don't want to give it any ground to move around on. I will defeat it and I'm not going to give it an inch. I will be more stubborn than it.

At least I got a good start to the day. I woke up early but the sun was already shining in a bright blue sky so the first few hours of my day were pleasant. The first thing I did when I got up was to open the curtains in the living room so I wouldn't have to turn on any lights. Things cheered up immediately and my first cup of coffee tasted good too. The dog slept late so I didn't have to take him out right away.

I can face the first few hours of the day. It's the hours between the morning and the evening that are the hardest. They are when I struggle and I have to try and get through them in the best possible way. Sometimes that is very difficult. Today the Exfactor and the domestic help were here so that helped some.

Now it's almost evening and the day is coming to an end. I am no longer discouraged but see the sense of being alive again for just a little while. It will last long enough until it's time to go to bed. I just imagine my soul standing up very straight and being very powerful and resilient. It's bending in the storm, not breaking. It has to be strong  and flexible enough to withstand any kind of force.

If there was ever a time to believe in myself, then this is it. I hope I have the faith to do that.

Ciao,
Irene

I'll not give it a thought...

The other day, when the Exfactor did the groceries for me, I forgot to have him buy the ground coffee and now I am almost out of it. Luckily, I still had some of the good brand of instant coffee left and I have been drinking that. It hasn't been as awful as you think. I make sure I get the water really hot before I spoon more than enough instant coffee in it and then add a generous amount of milk. 

This way I have an almost perfect cup of coffee and it doesn't taste bad at all. I don't make funny faces when I take the first sip and it doesn't make me shudder when I swallow it. I can actually say that I look forward to drinking it and that I sometimes even have a second cup, although the first cup usually suffices. I certainly make it strong enough and it carries a punch. 

I just had a cup and now I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed. I had to have some coffee because I was somewhat discombobulated by the unofficial nap that I took on top of the duvet but under the red fleece blanket in the company of the dog. Since it is a cold day, I had also turned on the heater so the apartment was nice and warm and consequently my nap lasted longer than I had intended. 

For a change, I'm very comfortable and not at all chilled. Even my hands are warm which doesn't happen very often. I think it must be because of my low blood pressure that they are always so cold, just like the tip of my nose. It usually feels like an ice cube but that is not a problem right now. 

I'm waiting for a package to arrive. In it will be my new and, hopefully, comfortable walking shoes. I hope they are everything I expect them to be because my feet really need them. I haven't had a pair of sensible shoes since I left the States and have always walked on shoes or boots that were meant to be pretty but not necessarily good to walk in. 

Now that I'm getting older, I'm becoming less vain and more concerned about my feet. And I do want to walk longer distances with the dog without getting sore feet and a backache. That much became clear to me when I had to take him to the trim salon. I can walk that distance but I do need good footwear. 

I'm completely trying to ignore my depression. I'm pretending that I don't have it and that everything is great. I think that's the best way to deal with it. That's one subject matter less to talk about. 

I hope you're all having a good day. 

Ciao,
Irene

The black dog...

I didn't really want to mention it but the depression that I talked about some time ago never did leave me. It simmered beneath the surface all along and in the last few days it has become more active again. I find it very difficult to be cheerful and to have hope and my thoughts are mostly rather morose.

It's to the point now that I'm not happy to be alive and that I wish for a way out. Unfortunately, I don't know of an easy way to do that. I have tried not to be alive in the past numerous times and failed. I won't be so foolish as to try those methods again. All I can hope is that the depression will leave me and that I will see the sense of living again. 

I did see my therapist this afternoon and was able to unload some of my mind but it did not feel like a relief. I felt like I could have sat there for hours and cried uncontrollably for all of them. That's how much of a load I'm carrying with me. It's all old grief and contrary to what I claimed yesterday, it seems that I do walk around with a lot of sadness from the past. I have many regrets and feel much guilt. 

It was three weeks since I saw my therapist and that was too much time. I walked around with these feelings on my own and did not try to contact her or my psychiatrist. It's as though I have to grit my teeth and bear them. As if it is my fate in life that I have them. It doesn't dawn on me to reach out for help. It's like I have to relearn that every time. 

I'm sitting here now with my second cup of coffee and my cigarettes and I feel like I've got a hangover. Or like I've done something really bad. Like I've betrayed the cause. The cause is keeping up appearances and not letting anyone know how bad life has been. Or how bad it still is. 

I suppose everybody involved has their excuses and that's how we keep the chain intact. Nobody is willing or able to accept the responsibility. I take it all on myself. I'm tired of playing my role and I'm not going to do it anymore. I'll not be the black sheep and the sacrificial lamb. 

Ciao,

Irene

Forget me nots number two...

I'm allowing myself to be officially depressed. There's no reason to fight it because I've been becoming it since the middle of the night when I sat up with a cup of coffee and tried to deny it. It's always better to acknowledge it and give into it than to try and act as if there's nothing wrong, which is impossible anyway. 

I usually feel relieved when I admit I am depressed. It's like suddenly falling into a deep hole and not knowing what exactly preceeded it. I never seem to know how I ended up there. There I find myself and at first I don't even realize what's wrong. I just feel extreme discomfort. It's good to give it a name once I've figured out what it is. It's even better to talk about it. 

I act like what I do here is talk but it does feel like that. I do imagine that you're all listening to me and are pondering it over. I don't know how much of that is actually true and I don't have to know. Just leave me with my illusions.

The bad part about being depressed is that it's very difficult to motivate yourself to do anything. Mostly you want to crawl into a little hole and disappear. At least be somewhere warm and safe, maybe some place like the womb. I'm trying to get out of doing most everything, although that's very difficult when you're the only person in your household. I can't expect the animals to take over. 

I'm constantly cold and in need of warmth. I want the sun to shine on me but I'll have no such luck with this kind of weather. Besides, it is at the end of the afternoon and gray and cloudy and the sun is low in the sky. It has just started to rain too. 

There is no joy in being depressed. There is only the relief of acknowledgement and the giving into it. You don't have to fight a battle. I certainly am not going to waste my time on one. It would be silly to because I would lose it. I'm going to very kindly take care of myself. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

On with the saga...

Well, I carry on bravely with my depression on a beautiful sunny day that was deceptively not as warm as it looked. I celebrated the warmest part of the day by taking a long nap on the sofa where I have been taking all my afternoon naps lately. I've decided that this makes it look less official than going to lie down in bed for them. It makes me look less lazy, I think. 

I had all the windows open and a draft blew through the apartment making it so chilly in here that I had to put on my jeans jacket. The temperatures weren't exactly tropical despite all the sunshine. It was 18C outside and that isn't exactly very warm. No doubt there were lots of people on the cafe terraces downtown basking in the light of the sun, but to me it still wasn't warm enough. I need for it to be just a little bit hotter before I will bask. 

Yes, I am still depressed. I can tell by the lack of enthusiasm with which I do everything and the number of cups of coffee that I need to do them. I am also filled with cynicism and I know that is a way to overcome my own deep dark thoughts. If you don't want to be harsh on yourself, be harsh on the world around you. The world around you can take a licking, there are enough people and institutions that can handle it. Tall trees do catch a lot of wind and rightly so. 

It's a little tough to get through the day and I am glad when I near the end of it. I find t hard to fill the hours and don't do anything that is worth mentioning. The most sensible thing I do is take the dog for walks. I am not that interested in the usual things that keep me occupied and care less about them also. They don't seem very important right now. A lot of things seem pretty senseless and not worth getting excited about and I wonder why I ever did. 

I do seem to like the evenings and enjoy the fact that the sun sets and the darkness comes and covers the land. I feel that all is at peace then and can't wait to put on my pajamas and bathrobe so I can feel safe. It's ridiculous, of course, because those things shouldn't matter at all, but somehow they make a difference. And more than anything I want to be warm because I feel cold so quickly. I could wear layers of clothes and still not be warm enough. 

I've still got a bit of a headache, but it is not so bad that I keep taking paracetamol for it. I don't know if it is a good idea to keep taking it. I think it may not be good for my stomach so I try to do without. I've got a dull ache in the right side of my head that sometimes feels like a stabbing pain depending on what I do with my head. I'm sure that one of these days it will disappear. I've almost gotten used to it. It's been five days now. 

I think I've gone on long enough now and will knit an end to this epistle.

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

How to survive...

I'm afraid I have to conclude that I'm depressed. It doesn't actually surprise me all that much after all that rapid cycling I have done lately. I've gone up and down too much for it to have left me unaffected. Now I'm caught on the way down and I'm not done going down even more. It's a miserable situation. 

Two hours ago I still had some hope, but I've since given up on that. I thought I saw a bright shiny light, but I don't see it anymore now. To me things seem pretty bleak. I wear my depression like a darkened cloak that makes me invisible to the world. I think I can do whatever I want and it will make no difference. 

I had not planned on feeling this way, but somehow I almost welcome it because it is at least a familiar mood and I know how to function under the circumstances. I know what to expect and I know what I will be doing about it. I know all the pitfalls and I know how to navigate them. It's like wearing old worn out shoes. They fit me to a T. 

I feel a certain amount of indifference toward the rest of the world now that I feel this way. I can't be bothered how the rest of mankind reacts to me. I don't care about that. I'll very selfishly be depressed and only care about my own comfort while I am. I can't worry about how other people feel about that. It's not up to me to be concerned about it.

It's much easier than I thought not to care and to focus on myself. It certainly simplifies things. There's something to be said for turning inward and finding your salvation there. It's almost like being a monk and rejecting all that's worldly. 

I won't have to chase happiness or artificially pretend to be joyful. It will be a relief to be released from those duties. I won't have to waste my energy on them. And I won't have to apologize for not being them. Depressed people are allowed not to be happy and joyful. They can be burdens if you constantly have to be them and you're not in the mood. 

I will now go about this business of being depressed and see what I make of it. 

Ciao,

Irene

Still crazy after all these years...

Because I must be fighting a virus, I take naps at every opportunity in my armchair and on the sofa. They happen quite spontaneously and are completely unplanned. I just drift off on the spot and wake up in the most uncomfortable positions. But I'm always more alert and refreshed than I was beforehand so apparently I need them. My headache is a bit better today, but I'm still taking the paracetamol and it's helping a lot.

The bedroom furniture was delivered this afternoon in not too many individual packages so it looks like it's not going to be that much work to put it together. That is a bit of a relief. I had been a bit concerned about that because I have to ask the Exfactor to help me put it together. Although he is very handy, I don't want it to be too complicated. I want the whole business to go as easy as possible. I don't want fixing up the spare bedroom to become a frustrating experience.

I'm very thisty and am drinking one glass of ice cold milk after the other. It's like I can't get enough of it, although they're bloating my stomach. I so very much feel like having very cold things to drink. I don't have any ice cubes or I would make cold lemonade, although that is a little bit too sweet. My older sister and I are both hooked on cold milk. We seem to love dairy products, pudding, yogurt, buttermilk. The last one would taste very good right now. I do like the sour taste of it.

I've not done any interesting things today, but I think I can be excused. Getting through the day without too much of a headache is enough of an achievement. I thought I was rather down when I started the day, but it was probably because of not feeling well and needing to sleep. A physical ailment can make you feel down too. 

I feel that I'm all done rapid cycling. I don't get halleluja moods anymore. I'm glad about that. I know myself better this way. I'm on familiar grounds now.

I hope you're all having a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Setting free the elephants...

Today has been an odd day and I feel like it took twice as long to get over with than it usually does. I feel like I've lived two days in one. This is no doubt due to the fact that I got up early and was running ahead of myself all day long. It did mean that I could have two very leaisurely cups of coffee in my armchair before the day started and could contemplate my navel. For a while I had nothing else to do.

I woke up with the migraine that had never left me during the night. I had stabbing pains in my head whenever I moved it and I wonder if I'm not fighting some sort of a virus that's not causing me any other sort of problems. I have to move my head carefully and remember not to bend over or get up quickly. It is a bother, but I will just have to wait it out patiently. I'm not going to the doctor yet. 

I waited in vain for a phone call form the energy company which I was supposed to have gotten early in the morning. That's why I had gotten up on time, but it never came. I will have to call them myself tomorrow so as to not have all sorts of misunderstandings happen about my contract with them. I do dislike companies that don't stick to their promises. It's a very simple thing to call a customer when you say you will. I do so appreciate efficiency and not living in a banana republic. 

My personal helper was here on time, not that I'd be put out if she weren't (I forgive her anything). We talked about the week's events and gossiped like two old women. We are roughly the same age so the same things concern us. She always has some handy tips for me and we get along well. The dog likes her a lot too and wants nothing more than to sit on her lap. The cat has come to quietly accept her, but she does stay a little aloof. She is friendly but standoffish. 

Afterwards I had to go see my therapist for an unexpected talk because I'd had such a difficult couple of days and I needed to unload. There were some big concerns that I had about my mental health that I had to discuss with her. I know no person other than her who I can do this with. I feel that there is nobody else that I can be as honest with. It's about trust and I don't trust just anybody with my most inner thoughts. 

She's very honest with me and will even burst my balloon if she thinks I'm on the wrong track. She makes me take the responsibility for all my actions and feelings and creates links between them that I didn't see. I felt somewhat deflated after I had talked to her today, but I did feel that the truth had been discussed. I am seeing her again on Wednesday for my regular appointment. There is enough left to talk about. 

I had to walk the dog when I got home, but despite the sunshine, it was cold outside and it wasn't much fun to be out there. Maybe it is because I'm sick, but I'm having a hard time staying warm today. 

The Exfactor came and did the groceries and bought me some paracetamol which I have taken and which is helping my migraine a bit. I'm not as uncomfortable as I was before and can move my head around a bit easier. 

I sat in my armchair and watched the repeat of the news but was shivering and fell asleep. When I woke up very uncomfortable, I turned on the heater and went to bed for a nap. That was the best thing I did today. I felt ever so much better when I got up again. I made myself some coffee and decided to turn on the computer and not do anything else that was complicated today. 

The bedroom furniture is going to be delivered tomorrow afternoon. I just got the message about that. I've made space in the hallway to temporarily put it until it can be put together and put in place. I'm excited about that. I can't wait for that room to be empty so I can furnish it. 

I'm feeling extremely low key and not at all like I'm rapid cycling. I would even say that I'm mildly depressed, but that may be because I'm sick. I need to take care of myself well. I will do kind deeds for myself. Somebody has to take care of me. It can only be me because I'm the only one here. 

I hope you all had a good day today. 

Ciao,

Irene

Blue Monday...

It was Blue Monday day before yesterday, but I didn't know that until after I had my own version of it. I have a tendency not to believe in those kinds of things if I know about them beforehand, but this time I didn't. 

It's supposed to be the worst day of the year for whatever reason I don't know. The logic of it escapes me. I can testify to the fact that it is true because I had my own horrible day. After having felt good for months, and especially good the last few weeks, I tumbled down into the pit of despair and wanted to be dead. 

Now luckily, this feeling didn't last longer than the Blue Monday was long and I did crawl out of that pit again and by the nighttime I was on my way back up. I didn't end up in a long lasting depression which very easily could have been the case too. Somehow my optimism came shining through and I could not stay long in that misreable place. 

I was bound to stumble and fall after having been in a elevated mood for so long. I could not keep up the pace. Throw in a couple of minor complications and I ran out of steam. Suddenly everything became too much for me and I couldn't see the forest for the trees anymore. I felt completely lost and lonely. It was all in a reaction to what had come before. 

At my lowest point, I wished myself dead, but I soon got over that and started thinking of reasons to live. I didn't reach for extra pills to make myself feel better. That notion didn't even enter my head. I did have a talk with my Higher Being and decided to not to try to force the issue but to leave it up to fate. Then I took a nap because sleep solves a lot.

The next day I was at ease with myself and peaceful again. I was ready to climb back into the saddle with a more realistic point of view. I'm not ready to go on an adventurous rde, I will just move along at a steady pace. Easy does it. I won't go battling windmills. 

Now I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk enjoying the solitude of the night. I just let the dog out back and outside it's freezing. There's a star filled sky. 

I try to be efficient and self reliable. It's what got me here. 

Ciao,

Nora

Chasing away the black dog...

Now that I'm sitting here so comfortably in the semi dark in the middle of the night, it is easy to forget how down I felt during the day. All seems well now, while it didn't feel that way at all earlier. I felt that the black dog was stalking me in the underbrush and I was constantly aware of his presence. 

At first I tried to ignore him, but then I decided to acknowledge his presence and it almost felt like a relief when I did. At least it was a familiar presence and I knew how to deal with it. He was not really my enemy, but just a well known aspect of myself that was as recognizable as the features of my face. 

I don't know if I'm now coming down with a depression. It may be a false alarm. Maybe I just had a bit of a tough day, but the last few days I've been off a bit anyway. I haven't been my usual steady self. I've felt more insecure and more stressed and that's when things happen. 

I haven't been my normal self since Friday when I didn't sleep well because I had to pick up my glasses downtown at the optician. That was a big deal to me. I was so stressed in the morning that I took two tranquilizers and I had vowed never to take those anymore. 

Subsequently, I got my hair cut and as a result I had a whole new look. I think this all was too much for me and it unsettled me and I never did get back into my normal state of mind. I didn't return to my normal comfortable feeling. I didn't feel at ease with myself.

I also think that those tranquilizers took some time to get out of my system. They worked when I needed them to, but the aftermath was less pleasant. I felt like I was kicking off. No doubt that was because I used them so much in the past. My body had a craving for them. 

I think I can talk myself out of having the black dog stay if I analyze the cause and effect. It's not my new look that bothers me, but the events around it and the feelings that I had achieving it. It cost me too much effort and upset my too complacent life. It is easily upset, after all. 

But now I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee and I can rationally think about this. My feelings don't come into play so much. I feel as normal and sane as I can get thanks to the hour of the night. I may feel differently in the morning, but I hope not. I hope I can hang on to this sense of normality.

Being 'normal' is my biggest wish and I think you all know what I mean by being 'normal.' It is living without extremes of feelings, but being somewhere in the comfortable middle with the occasional hiccup. I don't expect everything to go smoothly all the time, but I do make the effort for it to potentially go that way.

I think if I can stay on the side of rationality, I can solve a lot of problems. My emotions do get in the way sometimes and take a run with me and I become unreasonable. I don't know how to get over that. I suppose I don't acknowledge them on time and let them simmer below the surface too long. I have to work on that. 

I guess I strive for some sort of perfectionism and will never achieve it. 

Have a good night you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

The starry sky...

I stood outside by the back door in the cold night air and looked at the starry sky and it made me wish I was in the countryside where I would have been able to see many more stars. That made me wish I was camping in the desert by a campfire, drinking a cup of hot coffee and looking up at that sky. I would have worn very warm clothes and had a very warm sleeping bag for the cold desert night. 

Isn't it nice to have a fantasy like that? I can pretend it really happened having spent time in the deserts in New Mexico and California and having seen the night skies there. Thank goodness that I do have those experiences to fall back on. All I have to do is retrieve some of my memories and I'm there. They are the film fragments in my mind. They are stored there for the rest of my life. Even if I get demented I will remember them.

I hope to never get demented and lose my memories, although if I could selectively eliminate a few, I would gladly do that. There are some memories I have that seem to have no other function than to cause me heartache and I can do without them completely. I wish I could pick those out of my memory bank and delete them. Those are the ones that rear their ugly heads when I get depressed and when I have the least use for them. But I mustn't think about that now. I'm feeling good and it is time to only think of the better memories. 

Because of the open windows, there's a draft in the apartment and I think it's rather pleasant. I feel the cool air moving around me ever so gently. I think it's very refreshing because, as usual, I like to feel just a little bit on the cool side in the middle of the night, as long as I'm wearing my warm bathrobe. My hands and feet are cold, but my nose is warm and I'm still drinking hot coffee. Outside there's a cold wind blowing. Because of the wind chill factor, it feels like it's 37F out there. Brrr...

I didn't get around to reading yesterday morning, so I haven't picked out a new book yet. I will have to do that today. I went back to bed and slept late because it was going to be an empty day pretty much. I managed to amuse myself doing nothing important at all and that's a real art too. It takes a certain amount of finesse. I've got to put some thought into choosing a book lest I get stuck with another boring one. I will not regain my love for reading in that case. I do leave bookmarks in the books that I leave unfinished in case I get in the mood for reading them again. 

I've got to decide what I'm going to do now. I'm either going back to bed or staying up to read. I do need the sleep, but I'm not quite ready for it yet. If I had cows to milk, I would go milk them now. And chickens to feed. I'll go look on the bookcase for an interesting book. Maybe it will jump out at me and grab me. 

Have a nice Friday all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Oh, booger snot...

I shouldn't say that I'm in an excellent mood when all I mean is just the temporary absence of pain and stress. That does not make an excellent mood. In my naivety I call it so. An excellent mood is something completely different. It does not mean a woman who quietly sits behind her computer and feels a sense of relief for however long it lasts. People in excellent moods, seize the world. I certainly don't do that. I have yet to seize the world. 

When I woke up for the second time yesterday morning, I was depressed and whatever cheerful mood I claimed to have had earlier was gone. I now put great question marks by these so called cheerful moods I have. They are all of short duration and are apparently very shallow. I think that all they are are temporary absences of stress and pain. It's all momentary forgetfulness. 

For a while, when I just started taking the tranquilizers, they helped me forget too, but now they don't seem to work anymore. I don't really notice any effect from them. I'm starting to feel the same amount of stress and depression I felt before. I'm becoming immobilized again.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist first thing in the morning. I'm not very optimistic because I don't know what can be done, but maybe he has an idea. I am, however, very discouraged. 

Ciao,

Nora

Sorting my marbles...

Today I found myself in something which resembled a depression and I couldn't believe it because, after all, I had taken all my pills at the right time and made sure I got enough sleep. I tried very hard to feel more cheerful and to put a bounce in my step, but it was all to no avail, so this afternoon I lied down for another nap. 

When I woke up, I thought things might be different, but they weren't and all the while what was nagging at the back of my mind were the changes I had made to my blogs and that I was really uncomfortable with. I had tried to push these thoughts away, but apparently they were bothering me more than I was giving them credit for. 

I took my medicines and made a pot of coffee and turned on the computer. I had a good look at those blogs and the layouts and could see that they were hopelessly inadequate. I had wanted them too badly and had not considered the practicality of them. I had taken a wrong turn simply because I had discovered something new and it was for free and I could apply it. 

Undoing everything and getting the blogs back to a more normal and practical look didn't take all that long. Blogger is very user friendly that way and very forgiving. It remembers everything you thought you had deleted.

I have to say that I feel a bit better now. I feel that I've saved myself from a terrible fate and that is of losing all my readers because the layouts were so bad and hard to read. But I think it's also the coffee and the medicines and the nap that have done their share to make me feel better. It's a combination of everything, most likely. 

Hopefully, I'll start looking at my world through rose colored glasses again like I was lately. It certainly was a friendlier place, although I suppose that you can't have equally happy days all the time. 

I frankly do count on that and am always very disappointed if my days aren't. I get very discouraged and take it as a bad sign. I think that I haven't had enough happy days yet in my lifetime. I haven't accumulated enough to have enough experience with them and to know they will always return. 

I think I'm in too contemplative a mood. I must get over it. I've got to go find my sense of humor somewhere. I've got to go find the unbearable lightness of being. 

Ciao
Nora

Hurray for coffee!

Finally, after having been deprived for more than 24 hours, I got to drink coffee again after the Exfactor went to the store for me this afternoon. I could have kissed his whole bald head, but I don't think he would have appreciated that, so I just thanked him from the bottom of my heart.

I tell you, drinking tea just does not do it for me and I sit in a stupor and never get my act together. I think it is the influence of the medication that makes it so. It must be a side effect that makes me feel so lethargic. 

When the Exfactor walked in with the coffee, I made a pot as quickly as I could and poured us both a cup as soon as it was ready. After I had the first cup, I started feeling ever so much better. It was a difference between night and day and my whole mood improved. I could finally smile again.

It's very important that I don't run out of coffee again and at someone else's good suggestion, I'm going to put instant coffee on my shopping list for emergencies. Not that I like the flavor of it that much, but really, it will be the caffeine that I'll care about. That's what I'm going to need the most.

Today is another warm and sunny day, but I'm not making the mistake of taking the dog for another long walk like I did yesterday. Inside the apartment it's fairly cool and the dog has found the best place to lie down and be comfortable. I'm sure he would not appreciate a walk in the hot sun now. Neither would I, no matter how skimpily dressed I am. I'll wait until this evening when it has cooled down a bit. 

I've still got to do some chores, but for some reason I'm not concerned about doing them at all. When I was depressed, these sort of things bothered me very much and I was always very worried about them and about getting them done. Now they seem so unimportant and like they are no problem at all. They are things that are easily done. I suppose that's a true measure of the state of my mind. 

Lots of things weigh a lot lighter now and what I was worried about before, I'm not concerned about one bit now. A big load has fallen off my shoulders. I feel that I have all sorts of breathing space and a bigger sense of freedom. It's okay to be me again. Without me being acutely aware of it, my depression has disappeared like snow under the sun. The black dog is no longer stalking me.

I suppose I should be immensely grateful for that and I am. It's all because of two extra pills that saved my life. And I mean that literally. I now have a future again and another thirty years to live. 

I have to go and change my bed and do a load of laundry. A clean bed will make me look forward to going to sleep tonight. I have clean pajamas too, which makes it even better.

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Coffee and tranquilizers...

I had already taken the tranquilizers and hoped they would do to get me over the stress, but they did not help me get over the foul mood I was in, so there was nothing else to do but make a pot of coffee also. I much regretted this because I didn't want to have to drink coffee at this time of the evening. 

Now, having had a mug of coffee, I can see the sense of it because I'm starting to feel a lot better and realize I should have done this much sooner. Like maybe two hours ago when I woke up from my second nap of the day. 

I feel that by all sorts of trickery I have to try and get into the right mood. If I just get the ingredients right maybe I will succeed. Sometimes I'm so low that I could scream and start tossing pieces of furniture around out of frustration. Mostly I crawl in bed and try to find my safety there. There's always salvation in sleep.

I'm struggling very hard with this depression. I hate the way it makes me feel. I so despise the feelings of despair. The sense that I'm at the end of the road and that there's nowhere left to go. 

I mustn't dwell on that too much. 

I think I will get ready for bed and try to sleep as long as possible. It seems like the most attractive option now. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Up again...

I went to bed early, being spaced out from my medicines, and am now up again already feeling pretty good. I seem to have momentarily achieved that equilibrium I was looking for. Mine is not to question how I did that, but just to accept it as a given and to enjoy the moment. I think it is all a matter of chance anyway and you have to grab the benefits while you can. 

Needless to say, I'm having my cups of coffee and they are helping me feel better. They are clearing my mind of whatever nasty thoughts might have been lingering there in the recesses of my much complicated brain. The brain that is refusing to co-operate lately in behaving normally. The chemically mixed up brain. 

I don't care, right now it's behaving normally and that's what counts and if I don't upset it too much, it should stay static for the rest of the time that I am up. It means that I'm not going to make any earth shattering announcements or break out in a song and dance routine. Nor climb on any soap box. I will just keep it simple. 

I've had to figure out when in the day to take my numerous pills, but I think I've got it down to a system now. I have to spread them out evenly so as not to get too many of some of them all at once because they have a tendency to make me feel stoned. This is a very unpleasant feeling that I would not recommend to anyone. They not only make you feel stoned, but sad too and that's no good. It necessitates you having to go to bed to sleep it off and you wake up with a bit of a hangover. 

The Exfactor took the dog for a long walk this afternoon, which meant that I could stay in my bathrobe all day. It meant that I could take this day as a recuperation day and I didn't do much with it except to try and keep my head on straight. I slept and spent time in my armchair and watched the news on television. 

It was filled with the senseless riots in England, of course, that are no longer social statements, but plain criminal acts. I don't care what anyone says about social injustice. This is not a way to react to that. It certainly wasn't a Facebook revolution.

Oops, I was not going to get on a soapbox. I'm sure I'm not in the right frame of mind for that. I would not be able to carry on a discussion about the subject. It would get too complicated as it has too many angles. I'm sure I'm not solitarily going to solve the problem. 

I'm feeling so reasonable now, that it would be nice to say that this is the end of my depression, but I know it's just a momentary relief.  Tomorrow morning I will face the same issues and the same mood and it will be a battle all over again. That's how it goes with depression. You do once in a while have good moments when you feel well. It lulls you into a false sense of security.

Right now I feel peaceful and serene and I don't know where that feeling is coming from. It must be a perfect combination of circumstances and ingredients. I wish I could always get it right this way but I know it's just a temporary condition. It's not acceptance of my depression. Not at all. I'm very much in rejection of it and fight it tooth and nail. I'm always in search of serenity, as contradictory in terms though that may sound.

I suppose I will go back to bed now and try to sleep some more. I have another appointment with my SPN in the morning. I must get up in time for that. I can't sleep late. 

Have a good night all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Forget about moodiness...

This morning, when I finally managed to get up, I was very grumpy and dreaded the day. I hadn't had my medicines yet and was in dire need of some cups of coffee. However, being so grumpy, I didn't realize that until I had taken my medicines and had the coffee. After that, I was doing so much better that it was a difference between night and day and I thought I had been in the depths of a depression. 

It goes to show you that you shouldn't draw your conclusions about your mood prematurely. That everything is very quickly changeable, as changeable as the Dutch weather and that you can go from one mood to another in the shortest amount of time. Nothing is permanent, especially not the mood you wake up with. It's just a temporary chemical imbalance that needs to be set straight.

This does bother me and I wish it wasn't so and that I was more predictable. I don't like waking up in a bad mood because it fools me every time. I never think it will get better. I think I'm doomed and will stay that way for the rest of the day and maybe permanently so. I try to imagine another kind of scenario but find it very difficult to. 

Anyway, now I feel better and I'm capable of thinking more positive thoughts, though I'm not quite ready to tackle the dishes yet. They do need to get done, I can't get out from underneath them. There really aren't that many, it's just the idea of them that I have a problem with. 

But I think I'm still seeing the shadow of 'the black dog.' He isn't quite gone from my life yet. He's walking around in the undergrowth and causing me some problems still and, although my medication has been increased, I think maybe it's not been enough yet. I'm going to have to discuss this with my psychiatrist when I see him next. I'm living on the margins of maybe being okay sometimes and that's not close enough. 

Leave it to me to make this more serious than I had intended. I wanted to write something more lighthearted than this, but sometimes you have to put your thoughts down to get things clear for yourself in the process. Sometimes these blog posts are purely therapeutic in value. Very selfishly so. 

It's 80F outside and the sun is shining in an almost bright blue sky. We've finally got a summer's day. There's no breeze to speak of and the leaves on the trees are barely moving. It was very pleasant when I took the dog out for a walk. Tomorrow is going to be cooler and we may have some spotty showers. I won't hold my breath for them. 

Tonight the last episode of 'Pride and Prejudice' is going to be on. Mr Darcy is going to pop the question. Everybody will presumably live happily ever after, but we will never know. I sure hope so for their sake. I want to believe in romance to some extend. I do make the occasional exception with my cynical heart.

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Really, truly, madly...

It's Friday afternoon again and I pride myself on the fact that I still know which day of the week it is. Apparently I'm not so befuddled by my depression that I don't know that. I was a bit confused in the middle of the week, but those were muddled days and there wasn't much to make them stand out individually. The start and the end of the week are much easier to tell apart.

I'm not going to let myself get all excited because it's the weekend now. I've decided that it actually doesn't make one bit of difference with the rest of the week. I can act like it is the weekend in the middle of the week just as well. I have as few obligations then as I do on the weekends. 

There are the same amount of chores to do. The only difference is that on Sunday I don't get any mail and it's an official day of rest. I'll just make the middle of the week official days of rest too. That doesn't mean I won't achieve anything. It just means that I'll take the mental pressure off for myself. It will feel like I won't have to perform. 

One thing with a depression...once you've acknowledged it to yourself and the rest of the world, there's nothing you can do but wait it out. My medication has been increased and all I can do now is wait for it to start working and I have to be patient. The waiting is actually kind of boring because on top of that you can't get excited about anything. Nothing turns you on. You're just a bump on a log.

I'm lucky because once I realize that it's a depression I'm fighting, I immediately stop having all thoughts of self hatred. I have no destructive inner dialogue going on. All is silent. But it's the silence that's so boring because there's nothing. It's like I'm empty. 

I suppose it's better to be empty than have a self destructive inner dialogue. That's why I need to try and fill my time with other things. I need to keep my mind occupied for as far as that is possible. It's hard to concentrate on things in specific, but for little periods of time I am able to apply myself. The best things are taking naps, but you do get done sleeping at some point. 

I have to go and walk the dog. Surprisingly, the sun is shining. 

Ciao,

Nora

Throwing a spanner in the works...

I was going to spoil this post by telling you how depressed I am, but I've decided not to do that and for the duration of this night only to look at the bright side of life. I'm sure I can find some amazingly cheerful things to write about if I try hard enough. 

I'm not so depressed right now that I only see things in the colors gray and black. I'm sure there are some brighter colors lurking in the shadows and I will set my sight on them. There's some yellow and bright red and light green. Little dots of it and I will see what I can do with them. 

I can tell you that I'm drinking an excellent cup of coffee and no doubt that has influence on the state of my mind, good coffee making for a better mood. I've also got a pack of newly made cigarettes, so I'm all set. 

For a while anyway I'm comfortable, except that I have a dog breathing down my neck who wants impossible things from me. I'll just have to ignore him and get on with it.

I do have an awful pain in my bad shoulder and I woke up with that. I've tried to move it around to try and get whatever kink is in it out, but it hasn't helped yet. I may be coming down with a case of bursitis again. I will have to rub that sport's creme on it and hope it works. 

It's impossible not to be influenced by the quiet and peacefulness of the night. I can almost imagine that I don't live in town but in the solitude of the countryside. The suburbs are awfully silent at night. The only noises I hear are those in my own apartment and those are very minute. The clicking of the dog's tags being one of them and the loudest.

I'm reminded of the time I lived in a village of 600 souls in the middle of the mountains on a dead end road. It was a wonderful place to be. There was much quiet and solitude and company if you so desired. I have fond memories of the place. My kids were little there and had a fun childhood. 

I better not go down memory lane because I'm a product of my turbulent life. I have many sad memories as well and they come floating to the top along with the good ones. It's better to stay in the here and now and to not remember too much. That's a closed book and it has nothing to do with my life now. I'm a totally different person living a totally different life and nothing at all like I had imagined. 

Today my effort is going to be to get the mail out of the mailbox and to deal with it and to deal with the mail that's already lying on my desk. If I get that done I'll be satisfied. No doubt I'll also talk with my psychiatrist after the email I sent him about becoming depressed. I've also got to change my bed so I can look forward to clean sheets tonight after I've watched the thriller that's going to be on TV.

I think I'll take some pain medication for my shoulder as it's slowly becoming more sore. Going back to bed and resting it will be good for it. I just won't sleep on my side. It will be a bit tricky to walk the dog today. I'll have to use my other hand to hold the leash. The dog does pull.

I hope you'll all have a good day. It's going to be drizzly here, but not too cold. 

Ciao,

Nora