Challenge...

I've been challenged not to write about coffee, but you may as well ask me not to write a post at all because it is impossible for me not to mention coffee. It is such an integral part of my daily life that it would be hard not to talk about it. It makes me function when I'm about ready to take a nap and don't want to. I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee now and there's more in the pot to have in a while. I'm looking forward to it already and yes, I'm starting to function much better. 

I haven't done a bleeding thing all day but walk the dog and sit around and watch interesting programs on television. I do make sure I see my fair share of those on Sundays. That's after I've quietly contemplated my navel in the silence of the early morning hours when I've finally gotten up. Because it's Sunday, I don't feel called upon to do a heck of a lot and feel that being lazy is perfectly legitimate. 

All I had to do was get dressed at one point and pretend to be wide awake, but I don't feel that I have to be as alert as I have to be the rest of the week. The dog seems to have the same notion and takes many naps in whatever sunshine is available to him. He must know that it's my day off and doesn't make too many demands. We do honor the day of the Lord and pay proper attention when the church bells ring, but that's as far as our devotion goes. 

Tonight the Netherlands is playing its football match against Portugal. We are still in the running if we beat them with two points and if Germany beats Denmark. Those are a lot of ifs that I don't have faith in. I don't even know if I will stay up to watch the match. I may get so disgusted that I'll turn off the televsion and go to bed. I even thought about lighting a candle at the Our Dear Lady Chapel, but I'm sure a lot of like minded, middle aged, Portugese women will do the same thing in their chapels. And they are catholic and I am not.

The sun does come out every once in a while even though it is overcast a lot. At least it's not raining today. It's not very warm outside and I do have to wear a jacket when I walk the dog. I'm wearing warmer clothes too, but that's purely because I'm being less stubborn and am indulging myself. I decided I wanted to be extra comfortable and ignore the fact that it's nearly summer. I don't know who to blame this weather on. Maybe some day it will be sunshiny and warm again. 

I just remembered that I have to do a load of laundry. In all my laziness I had forgotten that. 

Ciao,
Irene

Is there anything else?

I'm slightly discombobulated from having fallen asleep in my armchair. I had pulled the red fleece blanket over me because I was cold and before I knew it, I had nodded off. I slept sitting up like that for about an hour and woke up completely disoriented. It was a bit of an unusual place to take a nap, after all. I'm still yawning now after a cup of coffee and I'll have to have a second one before I really am awake.

I just peeled an apple for the dog and he ate it with much appetite. I secretly obeserved him eating it. It's so much fun to watch. He takes delicate bites and makes thoughtful crunching sounds when he chews. For a while, nothing in the world exists but that apple.

I've gotten a second cup of coffee and I'm starting to feel better now. I'm not quite as fuzzy as I was. Cups of coffee are so good for my mental health. If tea did the same thing I would drink it but I have not experienced the proof of it yet.

The afternoon is drawing to a close and we didn't see any sunshine all day. It has been dreary and cold. The wind was coming from the north-east today and that usually means it's colder. I've had the heater on for most of the day and even so I've been feeling chilled. I think I'm wearing enough clothes but that doesn't seem to help. 

If I really want to do something nice for myself, I'd change the bed and I think that's just what I'll do. It will be a treat to get under a clean duvet cover this evening. Besides, I've got that new good smelling washing powder and it does make the laundry smell good. It's great to have it drying on the clothes rack. 

My thumb is healing up quite nicely and doesn't hurt half as bad as it did yesterday. I can even use it a little bit if I'm careful. I'm very careful with the new paring knife now that I know how sharp it is. I treat it with the respect it deserves.

The Amstel Gold Race was taking place here this afternoon and there were helicopters in the air making lots of noise. It must have been a madhouse along the route. I didn't follow the race on television, although I usually do every year. I like to watch them climb the famous Cauberg. I've done it on foot many times and it's a real doozy.It does make your legs ache. 

I've got the perfect hairdo today. It's completely tousled but in place the way I want it to be. I achieved this by rubbing it with a towel and then roughly running my hands through it and applying hairspray. I bet I can sleep on it tonight and have it look the same way in the morning. I'll give it a try anyway. 

I hope you're all having a good Sunday. Too bad it's the last day of the weekend. 

Ciao,

Irene

And then there is sleep...

I had forgotten again how much good sleep does to restore my mind. I was quite distraught last night and my feelings were all over the place. I felt like I was falling apart and I didn't know what to do about it. Luckily, some little voice in me told me to go to bed and I did. It was still rather early and I slept until some time in the middle of the night when I got up again. 

I felt fairly normal then and could think straight again, but toward the morning the stress started building up again and I thought I was going to have another tough day. Fortunately, I had the bright idea to go back to bed where I slept until noontime and I woke up feeling quite refreshed.

I've been up and functioning for a while now and I still feel good, so that is a good sign. As soon as I start to feel the stress build up again, I will go back to sleep because I think I have to catch up on it after so many days of rapd cycling. Right now I won't worry about when I sleep, but that I sleep. That seems to be the most important thing. 

Since it is Sunday today, I will really consider this to be my day off and that also means a day off from worries which have a tendency to stack up in my mind when I'm not in the hypo-manic stage. When I'm not in the stage of denial, but in the stage of doomsday thinking. That's what happens when you go from one extreme to another. You pick apart each little thing and worry it to death, not seeing the forest for the trees anymore. 

The higher being did create this day as a day of rest and I will honor it in that way by leaving a lot of things undone. I will pretend that I can't do a thing about them right now and enjoy the peace and serenity the day can bring. That means I will contemplate my navel and think only wise things. It will be a major time out. 

Whatever happens, I will end up with a nice guest room and it is about time it came about. I have been living with that spare bedroom as a junk room for a long enough time. I'm excited about having a bedroom that I can use for the occasion if someone wants to spend the night. It's been a major drawback not to have that and to always have to apologize for the state of it. 

I'm not too concerned about smoking again. Apparently it's not meant to be that I quit right now. The circumstances make it too difficult. I will have to wait for a better opportunty. My therapist had warned me that it is difficult for bipolar people to quit smoking because of the mood changes. I thought it would be much easier than that and had not anticipated the influence of them. It's spending the money on the tobacco that bothers me the most. 

Because I got up so late, it's halfway through the afternoon now and I think I will get dressed and take the dog for a walk. He has only been out back so far and has been waiting patiently. He is a good dog. 

I hope you all have a good, peaceful Sunday. 

Ciao,

Irene

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

Peacefulness...

I'm having a quiet and peacful time despite the fact that I'm not in bed sleeping and having tranquil dreams. Instead, I'm sitting here with a glass of ice cold milk and a cigarette, in my warm bathrobe, enjoying the wee hours of the night. It will be time to go to bed shortly because I'm starting to yawn, but I will try to write a sensible post before I go. 

I didn't change the sheets on the bed like I had planned to tonight lacking the energy to do it and promising myself that I would do it first thing in the morning. The plan is to get up early enough to do it and to not stay in bed until noon after which I would get side tracked by other things. I do want to have the dirty sheets in the washing machine at a decent time and feel like I'm seizing the day. 

Sunday is not a day to be wasted on frivolous activities. It may be a day of rest, but I try to fill it with useful things to keep me busy and out of trouble. I admit, there isn't a heck of a lot of trouble for a middle aged woman to get into on a Sunday in a town in the Netherlands, but I always pretend there could be to give my life that dangerous edge. I do have an extensive fantasy life. 

The cat and the dog chased a mouse around the apartment for two days and nights and finally this evening the cat got a hold of it. That hold didn't last long and the mouse escaped in the living room where the dog grabbed it. That soon was the end of its little life. It gave one final squeek and then it was over. The dog carried it around with him for a while until he finally dropped it and I could dispose of it. It was a field mouse that the cat had brought in from outside. No wildlife is safe around here. The cat has turned out to be quite a hunter. 

That was the excitement for the evening and now at least that mouse is not hiding under my bed anymore. I did have some trouble sleeping one night with the animals trying to get to it. Only when they gave up on it could I go to sleep knowing that the mouse was behind the headboard. I'm getting used to a lot. 

I've got to go to sleep now. I must get a certain amount of sleep if I want to get up early in the morning and get the show on the road on time. 

Sleep tight and have a good weekend.

Ciao,

Nora

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Getting down to earth again...

Even though it is the middle of the night and it is the time when I feel most joyful, that doesn't mean that I have to get overly excited now and lose track of my sense of decorum. I'm quite capable of keeping myself in hand and not making a complete fool of myself by declaring all sorts of nonsense. 

I do have to hit the brakes because sometimes I get too much in a hallelujah mood when I'm up this late and have had a cup of coffee or two. My enthusiasm knows no bounds and I run to the top of the mountain before I remember that I have fear of heights and get dizzy and know no way down. 

I must be as sensible as I can manage to be and still be lively and not sit here as a solid and silent rock in a winter's meadow on a boring Sunday. I have to be engaging without being silly, although you may think that me being silly may be a lot of fun. That's only if I'm silly on purpose and not when I accidentally end up looking ridiculous. 

Since yesterday was Saturday, it is hardly a day worth speaking of. It was just another ordinary Saturday like any other. I spend it doing nothing important whatsoever, except that I watched my share of cultural television programs in the morning while I woke up with my obligatory cups of coffee. It does feel good to feed the intellect and my curiosity.  I did miss half of the programs yesterday because I got up too late, but I'll get a chance again this morning when there will be more on. 

There's usually some documentary with an exposure to challenging art which gets my dander up at first, but which I change my mind about as I watch it, although I don't completely change my outlook on it. I am somewhat more enlightened after I've watched it and more appreciative. It's supposed to be a challenge to your mind, after all. I suppose you see the necessity of the art in the time it was made even though you don't have to like it. It's enough that you understand the intention behind it. 

I wrapped Chrstmas presents and didn't run out of paper, which is good because I've got one more present to wrap which hasn't gotten here yet. With a little bit of luck it will be here on Wednesday. The dog tried to help me wrap them and was very disappointed when he was not allowed to be part of the proceedings. The cat was asleep on the bed, so I timed my actions well. I got no cat hair on the sello tape. 

Wrapping the presents did get me into the proper mood and now I can hardly wait for Christmas. The real exciting thing of course is that my daughter will be here and that is what I'm really looking forward to. I'm slowly allowing all of my maternal feelings to come to the surface where they have been buried so long. It almost hurts to let them out. It's a real process.

It's going to be a bit colder for the next couple of days and I'll have to pick my outfit with care in the morning. It will be a question again of being warm enough and looking good. That's really not too difficult if I put my mind to it. In the evening there will be a mixture of snow and rain and I'm really not in the mood for that. I have very little to say about the weather, however. It happens whether I want it to or not. There's nothing as fickle as the Dutch weather.

Today will be another non eventful day as Sundays go. The weekends are often not very exciting. They are turning out to be the dullest parts of the week. Luckily, there are interesting programs to watch on televsion. There will be lots of sports to watch and I enjoy them. Thank goodness I have the animals to entertain me. We pass many happy moments together. The dog alone is enough of an amusement factor. 

I have to go back to bed to finish sleeping. The duvet is turning out to be so good that it's almost too warm to sleep under. 

Ciao,

Nora

But I was only having a craving, officer...

If I could, I would hurry quickly to the nearest open store and buy me a liter of vanilla ice cream and consume it all at once. That's how bad my craving for it is right now. It would have to be real vanilla ice cream, though, and not the imitation stuff they sell nowadays. I would want the ice cream that was sold in my childhood and that was creamy and very good tasting. That's what I really crave. 

If I really can be honest, I'd have to say that I crave a big banana split, but I probably could not finish it, so I'd have to make it a tasty strawberry sundae instead with lots of whipped cream on top. If I'm going to fantasize, I'm going to do it right. I can see myself eating it in my mind's eye and I'm enjoying it a lot. Instead, I will have a tall glass of ice cold milk and that will have to do to take care of my wishful thinking. 

It usually works. The coldness is enough to fool my taste buds into thinking that they've had something delicious and the milk keeps my stomach occupied with its loud rumbles and burps. It's also a question of mind over matter and not giving into silly foolishness and wishful thinking. You can't have everything your heart desires and cravings do disappear again. 

There's also such a thing as regret when you've inhaled a liter of ice cream in one sitting. Ice cream melts so smoothly in your mouth and it goes down easily. Too easily. That's why you can eat so much of it all at once. 

Enough on that subject. I've indulged in it more than is necessary. I've given it more than enough of my precious attention. It shouldn't get that much valuable space. It just goes to show you what a feeble human being I can be, but how smart it is of me not to have certain foods in the house at all. It's best never to put anything on the shopping list that I will hopelessly indulge in and feel shamefully guilty about afterwards. 

But I'm having cold milk now and it is already taking care of whatever I thought I so desperately needed. In a little while I will have forgotten all about that. It's also putting my head in a different gear which is pleasant. I think the coffee had me just a little bit too excited. The milk is a nice change of pace and it's calming me down. You wouldn't think that about such an innocent beverage, but it really does. And it's an innocent reaction, after all. 

So the caffeine is good for making me alert, but the milk is good for making me mellow. And now I've got to think what to do with that mellowness. I think I will be up for a while. It's early in the night still and I have more than enough time to go back to bed. It is Sunday, so it isn't important how quickly I get started in the morning.

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Aiming for homeruns...

I slept very deep and soundly until I woke up because I had to go to the toilet. Much to my consternation, but not surprisingly, I turned out to be quite awake after that and the dog had to go out back for a piddle. The cold air got rid of whatever remainder of sleep was left in my head and I had to put on my bathrobe to get warm again. Coffee was quickly made and a cup easily downed. That almost completed the waking up process.

I'm working on my third cup now and have finished what was in the pot, yet I'm still yawning. Those must be the last vestiges of sleep I have in me and that stubbornly hang on. At least I'm not yawning as severely and dangerously as when I first got up. It is abating a bit now. I also don't have tears running down my face like I sometimes do. Everything is under control. After this last cup of coffee I will be right as rain. The caffeine will have caught up with me. 

It's with some amount of joy that I sit here and realize that today is Sunday. It will officially be my day off and I have done most of my chores yesterday. I only have a small stack of mail to look through, but there shouldn't be any surprises in it. I don't expect any bills. It is all innocuous mail that's easily dealt with. I no longer have the fear of mail that I used to have and I empty the mailbox almost every day. As a rule, half the time there's nothing really important in it and sometimes there's a nice surprise. Yes, those do exist too. 

I will dress up in my finest and pretend I have some place special to go to. You never know when the queen will summon me to have a cup of tea with her. There will be cultural programs on TV and speed skating from Russia. The weather should be good and I will take the dog for a longer walk, providing he co-operates and doesn't stubbornly stop at every tree and bush and blade of grass. My patience does wear thin after a while. I'm not the angelic figure I pretend to be. 

I have not made good yet my intention to pick out a novel from the bookcase. It quite frankly slipped my mind, showing you that reading doesn't take a high priority on my list of things to do. I must not have the right mind set. I spend an inordinate amount of time watching inane programs on TV. That's how lazy I get. I even like how irritated I get with them and find myself making negative remarks about them out loud. That must serve a purpose somehow. It probably makes me feel superior. I really do need to read a good book. A critical mind is a terrible thing to waste.

I must get back to bed. It's time to get the rest of my sleep under the comfortable duvet. The next time I'm up, it will be morning and the sun will be up too. Hopefully, the day will be bright and full of promise. 

Ciao,

Nora

Up early and then some...

I tell myself that there's nothing wrong with being up early on a Sunday morning and at least I found out now when the first birds sing. I did need a cup of coffee before I could convince myself of that notion and my medicines. It's after these mood altering substances had done their work that I could see the bright side of being up this early. Well, if there is a bright side to it. 

There is some doubt in my mind about that and I think I need another cup of coffee before I'm really convinced of it. But the fact is, that I'm wide awake and truly done sleeping and that even if I went back to bed, I wouldn't sleep any more. My bed is no longer an alluring place to go to. I'm all done laying down in it. I've spent enough time there. 

Today is my one and only child's birthday and, although she lives far away, I do feel in a festive mood as if I have to celebrate all by myself the day that I gave birth to her. The memory of that day is very clear in my mind and will not easily be forgotten. I couldn't believe how incredibly painful it was to give birth. Nobody had prepared me for that. But can anybody explain that properly to you?

I will call her later today. It's not the same as being there, but it's the next best thing. 

It's slowly getting light out and in a while I will take the dog for a walk. First I've got to pick out some decent clothes to wear. Something that befits a sunny Sunday because that's the kind of weather it's going to be. It will be cool, but there will be lots of sunshine. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting back to normal...

It was with some relief that I got up a while ago and realized it was Sunday and not a weekday like I initially thought. I'm more than ready to have another day off. I'm not nearly ready for the week to start and I still need to change the sheets on the bed. 

I feel that I wasted Friday and Saturday being sick to my stomach and I really want to enjoy today being not so. I had a rice dish to eat last night and it agreed with me amazingly well. This gives me hope for future foods. I may be able to start eating more normal soon. 

Next Tuesday, when the Exfactor goes grocery shopping, I will put some innocuous food items on the list and hope for the best. With a little bit of luck, they will be things that agree with me well. I'm thinking of rice and pastas and puddings.

I'm drinking a cup of coffee and it's not putting my stomach in an uproar. I've got no heartburn anyway. And the caffeine is making me feel good, so what more could I ask for? But I can only have one cup of coffee. A second one would be pushing my luck. 

Getting off the caffeine is not such a bad thing. I was too dependent on it to get myself started and now I have to do more of it on my own. I found out that I really only need the one cup and not several like I thought I did. It's great to get a caffeine kick, but it's not necessary. 

I've switched to cold milk now and even that I've got to drink carefully and slowly. I can only take small sips and not drink too much of it. I'm undecided if milk even agrees with me. I have serious doubts about it, but I like it a lot and I hope it does. I may end up having to drink plain tap water and nothing else. 

This afternoon I'm seeing my sister and we will be able to sit outside in the garden. The weather has been very nice this weekend and sunny all around. The temperatures aren't all that high, but the sun makes up for a lot if you are in a sheltered place.

I've got to go back to bed now so that I'll be able to get up at a decent time in the morning. There will be a few chores to do and a stomach to tend to. I will have to treat it kindly and give it something good to eat. 

I hope you're all having a good weekend and that your weather is treating you right. 

Ciao,

Nora

Testing the nighttime waters...

I got up about an hour ago and have been reading blogs and drinking coffee since then. I'm afraid I'm super honest in any comments I leave and think that sometimes I'm a little too harsh. That's how I am in the middle of the night. I tend to see things for what they are and I find it difficult to be super polite. I hope I'm forgiven for that. Hopefully people know me well enough to take what I say with a grain of salt. Maybe I worry too much about it and it isn't as bad as I think it is. We will see. 

I'm drinking my last cup of coffee now before I'm switching to cold milk and then I can have that wonderful burping experience and noisy stomach. My daughter told me that, since I'm a blood type O-positive person, I should not drink any milk at all. I can well believe it, since it never seems to agree with me, but I love it so much. I'm addicted to it, but aren't you often to the things that are bad for you? 

I may have to rethink my diet completely because it seems I'm eating all the wrong things. This may explain some of the intestinal problems I'm having. I must eat more fruit and vegetables and even some meat. And also take some food supplements such as vitamin B12 and iron. That may explain the dizziness I so often get. Fish alone may not be the solution. 

Anyway, it's really very early in the morning and I'm feeling very hopeful about the day. It is Sunday, after all, and a day I usually enjoy a lot because it's the day on which I do chores and visit my sister. At this moment, I'm very much wide awake, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stay that way. I may get sleepy later on and have to go back to bed. We'll see. 

I've started reading 'The Joy Luck Club' and it's as good as I remember it without being boring because I've read it before. I've forgotten enough about it for it to be interesting. I do enjoy Amy Tan's style of writing which is very relaxed and intimate. You feel like she's written down the stories just for you. 

I went back to bed after I had sat in my armchair and read. I slept for a few hours and got up just in time for a package to be delivered. I was just going to change into my clothes when the intercom rang. I had ordered some new underwear on line and there were two cotton underwire bras from a brand I hadn't tried before, so I was eager to try them on. 

I know I am fortunate to be able to order bras on line and that women usually have a heck of a time buying them. These fit perfectly with a small adjustment of the shoulder straps. The fact that they are cotton makes them very comfortable to wear. They look nice and also look good under my tight fitting tops. I do love wearing a good looking bra. It makes me feel special and I deserve that. Heck, any woman deserves a good bra. 

I think I'll go change the sheets on my bed in case I decide to go back to it some time this morning. It will be great to get in between clean ones. It's time for the duvet cover with the little red roses. First I'll take my medicines to get off to a good start. Then nothing can stand in the way of a good day. 

Enjoy your Sunday, no matter what the weather is like. 

Ciao,

Nora

No blues for the happy few...

Well, it's not as if I ever have the blues when I get up in the middle of the night, but I'm also not planning on having them for the rest of the day. They are the remotest thing from my mind. I'm sitting here quite contentedly with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and my mood is somewhere in the middle range where it belongs. I'm not having a terrific high from which I will tumble down to a terrific low. 

Having established that, I can now get on with writing the rest of this post, which may not be as easy as it seems. It does require some thinking capacity and I don't know how capable I am of that right now. I'm enormously distracted by the cat and the dog who are racing through the apartment hell bent on making as much racket as they can. I do hope that they settle down soon. 

Yesterday was a lovely day as Sundays go. Because it's a day I don't have any expectations of, it usually turns out well. I leave some chores to do to prevent boredom on that day and that works out well. I changed the bed and did laundry and washed the dishes and generally picked up the place so it looked tidy. It always has to look clean enough for the queen to be able to drop by unexpectedly.

This was after I had slept late in the morning and had taken my time getting my act together with a few cups of coffee. And after I had walked the dog in the sunshiny day. It's getting awfully boring to have nothing but sunshiny days. Oh, just wait and see, I'll come to regret those words.

Later in the afternoon I hopped on my bike and saw my sister and her friend and had a cold beer and Italian cookies that were made with Amaretto. Delicious! I had a cappuccino later to sober up again. 

My sister had gotten her first pair of reading glasses with a correction in one lens for her astigmatism. We made a date to go to Specsavers to get my glasses fitted and she will help me pick out a nice frame. I can trust her to do that. I will have to get varifocal glasses with also a correction for my astigmatism. My sister and I both have that in the same eye.

The dog was happy to see me return home and I took him for a walk and then had my dinner. I had mackerel in green pepper sauce and cheese. It was nice and warm inside and I didn't have to change my clothes, although I was skimpily dressed and stayed so for the rest of the evening. Enough sunshine still gets in through the living room windows in the afternoon to warm up the place.

It was great to get into a clean bed, but the duvet cover I have on there now is just a little thick and I was too warm at first. I had to cool down sufficiently first before I could pull the duvet over me. Then it was nice to get warm and I was asleep in no time. 

I woke up because the dog was gently barking at me for no reason that I could figure out. It must have been boredom that made him do it. It's never the cat that wakes me up, it's always the dog. He's like a spoiled toddler. 

Because today is Monday, I can't sleep late. As a matter of fact, I'll have to set the alarm clock. But it's that way for anybody, I'm no exception. I'm already yawning now, so that's a good sign. I'll be asleep again in no time.

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

How do I love thee, Sunday...

I'm warmly wrapped up in my bathrobe early in the morning after a chilly, rainy night. It's not actually all that cold in the apartment, but it feels like it is because of the damp air coming in through the open windows. 

It's still too early in the season to close them and to turn on the heater. I won't make the energy company that happy. If I dress warm enough, I won't be bothered by the cool air at all and as the day progresses, it does get a bit warmer in here. 

At this moment, I'm more than ready for the day to start, but it may be a dose of too much optimism on my part and I may change my mind later and go back to bed to sleep a little longer.

The whole point is to get through Sunday in the most optimal way and any method is allowed. However you put your Sunday to use is good. There are no rules. I can be as unregulated as I want to be and do whatever strikes me as right at the moment.

I am going out this afternoon. My sister and I are going to an art exhibit and afterwards we are going to have coffee at her house and lightly celebrate my nephew's birthday. He turned 17 on Friday.

We probably won't be able to sit in the garden because it's not going to be all that warm today and we may get some showers. We're experiencing fall weather, which is only appropriate for this time of the year, I suppose.

I will have to think about which clothes to wear. I suppose it should be Sunday apparel but I'm in the mood for wearing whatever I feel like. I will have to see what I can conjure out of my closet. 

I will have to dress keeping the weather in mind. I don't think it's time yet to wear two layers, but the time for short sleeves is over. It's time for cardigans and long sleeved tops.

I'm yawning and have decided to go back to bed for a while. It's still early in the morning and there's no reason yet to be up. I will take my medicines and pour myself a glass of cold milk and crawl back under the warm duvet. 

I hope you'll all have a terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora

Toppling out of my chair and other dangers...

Despite the fact that I exhausted myself with hanging out behind the computer obsessively today, I found myself lying in bed unable to go to sleep. I tried it for over an hour, but then got up and decided to try it again later when maybe I am even more exhausted. 

I'm purposely not having any coffee now, as is my usual habit to, and am instead drinking cold milk which will be mellow on my brain. Caffeine would wake me up too much and keep me awake for hours, although it would get me in an excellent mood, but I'm in a good enough mood right now, so I think I will not try to artificially alter it.

I'm very mellow and slightly sleepy headed and there's something that can be said for this state of mind. It certainly is one of calm serenity. I will have to check my vital signs of life for activity any minute now. I hope I'll still feel a heartbeat and not to shallow a breath. I do want to be attentive yet. Some brain activity would be good too. A comatose condition would not be good until I'm back in bed. 

Oh for God's sake, I'm yawning something awful. I must make a cup of coffee if I'm going to sit here and finish this post...

All done, and now I can wake up a little bit. Not too much, but just enough not to topple out of this chair or end up with my forehead on the keyboard. These are the dangers of late night blogging that nobody warns you about. You have to find them out on your own. 

Little by little I'm coming to my senses and the sleepiness is clearing up. I'm still yawning, but they are the last vestiges of sleep. I feel my mood soaring to new heights and I'm getting my second wind. This promises something for tonight. I will have to keep myself occupied for a while before I go back to bed. It's too bad that I'm all finished changing the layouts to my blogs because it would be perfect to work on them for a bit now. 

I will see what other sorts of interesting things I can keep my mind occupied with until I'm ready to go to sleep again. It is apparent now that I'm in a good mood and that I mustn't let it go to waste. It's too bad that these things strike me at night when I ought to be asleep. At least tomorrow is Sunday when I can do what I want and sleep late. I will take full advantage of that. 

I hope you're all having a good night and a great weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora

 

Really, truly, madly...

It's Friday afternoon again and I pride myself on the fact that I still know which day of the week it is. Apparently I'm not so befuddled by my depression that I don't know that. I was a bit confused in the middle of the week, but those were muddled days and there wasn't much to make them stand out individually. The start and the end of the week are much easier to tell apart.

I'm not going to let myself get all excited because it's the weekend now. I've decided that it actually doesn't make one bit of difference with the rest of the week. I can act like it is the weekend in the middle of the week just as well. I have as few obligations then as I do on the weekends. 

There are the same amount of chores to do. The only difference is that on Sunday I don't get any mail and it's an official day of rest. I'll just make the middle of the week official days of rest too. That doesn't mean I won't achieve anything. It just means that I'll take the mental pressure off for myself. It will feel like I won't have to perform. 

One thing with a depression...once you've acknowledged it to yourself and the rest of the world, there's nothing you can do but wait it out. My medication has been increased and all I can do now is wait for it to start working and I have to be patient. The waiting is actually kind of boring because on top of that you can't get excited about anything. Nothing turns you on. You're just a bump on a log.

I'm lucky because once I realize that it's a depression I'm fighting, I immediately stop having all thoughts of self hatred. I have no destructive inner dialogue going on. All is silent. But it's the silence that's so boring because there's nothing. It's like I'm empty. 

I suppose it's better to be empty than have a self destructive inner dialogue. That's why I need to try and fill my time with other things. I need to keep my mind occupied for as far as that is possible. It's hard to concentrate on things in specific, but for little periods of time I am able to apply myself. The best things are taking naps, but you do get done sleeping at some point. 

I have to go and walk the dog. Surprisingly, the sun is shining. 

Ciao,

Nora

On an overcast afternoon...

As has become routine by now, I have just woken up from a nap and am imbibing in some caffeine to get the most out of my precarious mood that I always seem to have on such occasions. I will be right as rain in the shortest amount of time, all it's going to take is some more coffee. I know that always works, I can pretty much count on it, but I'm drinking a cup of warmed up coffee and that won't do. 

I have to make a fresh pot and open a new package of ground coffee. That's always the frustrating part that I don't look forward to. You're supposed to be able to open the package without the aid of scissors  and I always do my very best to achieve this, but it requires some dexterity and muscle power. I don't want to be defeated, though, and stubbornly keep trying and not reach for the scissors that are right there in the kitchen drawer. 

Eventually I do manage, but I dislike the job and wish for someone else to do it. Since there is no one else here, I have to, much to my frustration. If I were a manufacturer, I would design a user friendly package to pack my ground coffee in, although that would probably add to the price of the product. Oh well, nothing in life is free. Except frustration. 

You can tell that I'm a 21st century woman because my level of frustration is very low and I like everything done very easily and conveniently. If I were a designer, I would always be looking for the most simple way to do things. The most user friendly and least frustrating way.  I would want objects to cause the least amount of hassle.

I have to clean up the kitchen and hang up a load of laundry to dry. The dog destroyed a stick in the living room and I have to pick up the pieces from that.  He doesn't have opposable thumbs so he can't do it himself. That's his excuse anyway. 

My infected earlobe is healing. It's almost back to normal. I put Fucidin ointment on it twice a day and that helps it very much. The swelling has gone down quite a bit. I don't think I will be wearing earrings for a while and I will be decorating myself in other ways for the coming future. I've been wearing lightweight scarves and they've done nicely. Of course, the weather has been perfect for them. 

It rained just a while ago, but now it's stopped and the dog is sitting in front of the window looking longingly outside. I think I will take him for a walk while it is dry. The sun is even out every now and then. 

Have a nice Sunday. 

Ciao,

Nora

Something resembling the every day Nora...

If there is anything I wish, it is to be dull again and to start off a post telling you that I'm sitting here drinking a cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette. Of course, that is exactly what I am doing, so I would be telling you the truth. I'm not quite wide awake and I definitely need the coffee, but not to get me excited, because I'm excited enough on my own. What I really need to do is calm down and relax and what I'm doing now is wait for my medicines to work, which I took just a little while ago.

It seems it was a full moon last night and it would explain a lot, especially my lunatic tendencies. I never know when it's a full moon and always find out afterwards, but it always seems to affect me. I certainly behave a heck of a lot differently than I normally do, but I haven't been myself for the past few days. I best forget about that as quickly as possible and get back to normal as fast as I can. It's better not to dwell on the abnormal times that are so hugely embarrassing afterwards.

I'm going to try to have as normal a day as I possibly can and have my thoughts organized in the same way. It will require a little bit of discipline on my part, but anything is better than how it has been these past two days. There will be no more flights of fancy and escapism. There will only be the reality of my everyday life and all the elements in it. I will take care of those things. I will do a lot of grounding and bonding with the dog and the cat. Those two ought to help me get my grip on reality back.

I suppose I ought to get more sleep. I think I awoke prematurely this morning. Since it's Sunday, it doesn't matter when I get the day started. It will start whenever I think is the right time. That's the nice thing about Sundays. You feel that no one in the world would even think of bothering you. It's a sacred day that's strictly for yourself and you don't have to share it with anyone.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Erstwhile brave...

It's early in the morning, although because of the start of Summer Tine, it's an hour later than it feels and already I am running behind schedule. I should just about be getting ready to go back to bed, but since it's Sunday today, I won't worry about it too much. I can pretty much sleep as late as I want and I'm sure I'll take advantage of that, providing the dog lets me and he usually does. He's a patient animal as a rule. 

I am yawning and don't know how much longer I am for this world and I will have to type quickly. In just a minute, I'm going to take my medicines and they are only going to make me sleepier. They always do in the morning and give me the best amount of sleep. Of course, I've been up all night and that helps too. 

I just picked out the book I'm going to start reading today and it's a thriller by Elizabeth George. It's an Inspector Linley novel and I didn't even know I had one that was still unread. I was in search of one and ran into it almost immediately. I just started looking at the top of the bookcase and there it was, staring me right in the face. I will keep going through my bookcase this way, starting from the top right and working my way through the rows of books all the way down to the bottom. I will read what ever is unread and hope for the best. This book I have now is called, 'In Pursuit of the Proper Sinner.' 

I want to make the most of the day because it's the last day of the weekend. Yesterday went by quickly. It was gone in the blink of an eye. I have to get more out of today. I want to savor the day and each moment in it. It's almost a shame to go to bed in a while and spend the time sleeping. I'd rather stay up and read my book. Sometimes it's hard to decide what's the most sensible thing to do, as opposed to what's the most desirable thing to do when you try to get the most out of your day. I'm getting my second wind now and have stopped yawning. I'm drinking a tall glass of milk and it is perking me right up. Milk always does. It's like an ice cold wake up call. 

Of course, the dog is going to think that it's an hour earlier. He won't be ready to go for a walk yet if I stay up. The sun is coming up later and he won't want to go out for another two hours. That gives me some leisurely time to sit and read.

I think I will make a new pot of coffee and go sit in my armchair with a blanket wrapped around me. I've just turned up the heater and it should be nice and warm in here in no time. 

Have yourself a nice Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

Another terrific day...

No, I'm not being sarcastic when I say that, nor am I being hypo-manic. I just wanted to share my somewhat good mood as I sit here with my second cup of coffee. Of course, all moods are momentary and I have to take advantage of this one as long as it lasts because it may only be here for an hour. That's why I say now that it's a terrific day, while I should really say that it's a terrific moment.

I'm also very easily and quickly pleased. As long as nothing goes wrong, I'm happy. As long as I know that the day is going to be very uncomplicated, I'm thrilled about it. Since today is Sunday, there's nothing much that can go wrong and I expect no complications. It is a day of rest, after all. Better yet, nothing much is expected of me. I think that's the most important thing. 

Yesterday I had to go to the tobacco shop and I thought that was a complicated thing to do. Of course, yesterday was a complicated day for me anyway, what with the fact that I was trying not to go around the bend from all the sleepless nights I'd had. Riding my bike to the tobacco shop seemed like a very difficult thing to do and once I had finally done it, it was a major load off my mind. I bought myself a chocolate bar as a reward. No doubt that made me gain a pound.

It was a relief to take my old sleeping pills last night. I slept better and after I had been up in the middle of the night like I always am, I slept better in the morning too. The most important thing is, that I was not hypo-manic during the night and I avoided drinking a lot of coffee to create an artificial high. And, even though it was a super full moon, I was not a lunatic, although I would have expected it. Apparently not knowing that it was until this morning, made me not be influenced by it, although I have to say that I was a lunatic the night before this one. 

I've walked the dog and it is a fairly nice day out there. We have a hazy sun and pleasant temperatures. I'm waiting to see the buttercups in the grass. That will be a happy day.

Ciao,

Nora

A fresh pot of coffee...

What is there better in life early in the morning than a newly made pot of coffee? Okay, some fresh croissants would be very nice too, but I don't have those handy. The coffee will have to do. I'm very eagerly drinking my first cup and enjoying it very much. It will wake me up in no time. I'm quite perky on my own, though, and hardly need waking up. I stepped out of the right side of the bed.

Of course, I'm up too early because I didn't go to bed until late because of a barking dog, but I'm willing to face the day. I'm full of good intentions. As long as the coffee does its work, I'm ready for anything. I'm ready to fold the dry laundry, do the dishes, change my bed and take out the trash, which are all jobs that I need to do today. 

Of course, I don't have to do them right now this minute. They can wait awhile. I just wanted to show you my eagerness. I wish today was a day of major happenings, because I'm more than ready for them. I'm in the mood for something exciting to happen. Something unexpected. It would be nice if today I won the lottery, for example, but an unexpected visit would be nice too. I will have to prepare myself for anything at all and pretend it's going to happen. I have festive bones in my body, even if I have to celebrate all by myself.

When I'm in a mood like this, the impossible seem possible and the world seems within hand's reach. Anything wonderful it has to offer seems to be very close by as if I can touch it. As if I make part of it. I guess in my own insignificant way I do. I do feel part of a greater whole. I suppose I have my rose colored glasses on this morning. I will try to keep them on for a while and not become jaded yet. Because today is Sunday, I will not be cynical. It will be a skeptic free day and I will try to believe in everything that's positive. I will be like Pollyanna and in total denial.

I will start the day with putting on a very cheerful outfit. I've already figured out what it's going to be. Your day can't go wrong if you're dressed right, even if it's only for your own sake and to walk the dog in. Even if it's only to hang leisurely around the apartment in. It's your whole attitude that counts and it's reflected in your clothes and your squeaky clean hair and the air of good perfume you carry everywhere you go. You have to be your own party and good luck charm. A totem to your own womanhood. If I were an aboriginal, I would deck out in my finest beads and hand paint my body to ward off the evil spirits.

It's starting to be daylight and the sky is overcast. There will be no sunshine today like there was yesterday, but there will be no rain. We've left wintertime truly behind us now and are in the throes of early springtime. The temperatures are much better and there's no need to dress as warmly. Other clothes can be pulled out of the closet and my winter coat can be put away for good. I haven't worn it for awhile. 

I have to get the show on the road and walk the dog. He is impatient. He has spring fever. I think I do too. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Chasing away the Sunday blues...

I don't really have the Sunday blues, or if I do, I only have them in the slightest form and I hardly notice them. I'm mostly frustrated with what's on television, although it was interesting this morning when there were programs on about literature and politics. This afternoon there are sports on and that's usually okay, but I'm not interested in the kinds of sports that are being shown. The highlights of the rugby game between France and England aren't being shown until 5:30 pm. I hardly have enough patience to sit and wait for them. 

I took my usual nap on the sofa and for a change I'm not so discombobulated. That's quite a relief because I don't like the long drawn out process of rejoining the living when I am. I did make myself a cup of coffee immediately, but I hardly needed it as I was pretty clear headed right away. That goes to show you that you can't compare one day and one experience with the other and that each one is different. You can't always anticipate everything ahead of time because it may turn out quite differently than you thought. 

Nevertheless, I am having another cup of coffee because it's putting me in an excellent mood and I like it. I'd rather feel this way than hopelessly confused and in search of a good one.

I never did turn off the television, but just turned the sound down low. That way I am keeping track of what's on without it being intrusive. It's a little bit like having company without having to concern myself with it. The voices of the newscasters and the sports commentators are very familiar and they sound like old friends. It's pleasant to hear them in the background. I know I am thoroughly integrated now because I know everybody who's anybody on television. 

There are little buds on some of the hedges in the neighborhood. Some of the trees are starting to show buds too. Some of the bushes in the gardens show colored buds and I think they are about to flower. There are more daisies in the fields and I'm waiting to see other kinds of flowers, though I don't know which ones would come up next in the wild. We need more sunshine, but all we have is this drizzly weather and gray skies. We do have mild temperatures and I think spring will be here early this year. 

I have to watch the news now and see what is happening in Libya. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora