Don't bite my head off...

I stayed up early this morning and did not return to bed to catch another forty winks like I usually do. I just didn't feel like sleeping and I wanted to get the day started because that's the sort of mood I was in. Bed didn't seem at all appealing to me, even though I hadn't had that much sleep the night before. I was wide awake and the day could start for all I cared. I was ready for it. 

I showered and picked my outfit with care and was pleased when I was put together. The effect was pleasant enough if I pulled in my stomach and remembered to keep it pulled in. I also have to remember to do more sit ups. 

I walked the dog in the silent streets because nobody was out there yet. It was too early and it was cold. There was frost on the grass and on the windshields of the cars, but the sun was out and it promised to be a nice day. 

When I got home, I did my chores one by one while taking little breaks in between to watch the news. It was during one of these breaks that I remembered that my personal helper wasn't going to be here that morning because she had a week's vacation. That meant that I had some free time ahead of me that I had to spend wisely.

I decided to take the dog for a long walk to see if we could find any more wildflowers. We walked south toward the edge of town and skirted it eastward along a green pathway. I saw some more buttercups, but nothing else yet. There were lots of green plants growing, but I could not identify them without their flowers. There was lots of promise there anyway. 

We walked along a neglected path by a field, but the situation was the same  there until we were in the civilized world again. Here people didn't have very exciting gardens to look at. Mostly hedges and green shrubbery, there weren't any flowers yet. It was too early in the year for much color. I think I had been expecting too much at the wrong time of the year. 

We finally made it home and I made myself some coffee and gave Tyke a milk bone.  Gandhi was sound asleep on my bed like she had not even missed us. She probably had lots of peace and quiet and appreciated it very much. Tyke was tired from his outing and almost forgot to bother her. She's had a very peaceful afternoon on the sofa. 

I decided that I enjoyed looking for clothes in my closet so much that I wanted to do it again and I picked out a whole new outfit to wear. I's something I hadn't worn yet and I'm equally pleased with it. I also decided that I needed to wear some different earrings, so I changed those too. This all makes my life more interesting. I do like to make it exciting for myself. 

I have to go and walk Tyke one more time. We won't go too far this time. It's very nice outside now and it's tempting to go for a longer walk, but I need to eat and I've got to make some dinner when I get back. Tyke's waiting impatiently. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

It's not too bad outside...

I just walked Tyke in the not too cold evening air. It just started to get dark outside and I noticed that the days are lasting longer all the time. The wind had stopped blowing and it was pleasant out there. I hardly needed my scarf, but wore it anyway just in case. There were birds chirping their evening song and, although I can't identify them, it sounded pretty anyway. It made you feel like spring was on its way, especially since it was relatively warm and you could almost imagine everything shrouded in a green haze. 

Tyke is sound asleep by my feet now. He always thinks he needs a little nap after his walk. He will come around again in the shortest amount of time because he'll want to play or bother Gandhi. She's taking advantage of the peace and quiet by taking a nap herself on the back of the armchair behind me. That's where the yellow fleece blanket lies folded and she's lying on top of it. Luckily, she's stopped shedding all that hair, so I'm not in danger of getting cat hair all over me when I lie down under it on the sofa for a nap. 

The domestic help has been here and cleaned up the place. It's a load off my mind. I had been keeping up with the chores as well as possible, but everything needed a good cleaning. Because of the holidays, it had not been done in eleven days, so it was about time that somebody showed up. 

I've decided not to watch any television tonight. I watched the news about the earthquake and the tsunami in Japan all day long and listened to it on the radio too. I think I got an overdose of it now. I will wait until tomorrow to hear the rest. No, I won't. I'll hear it tonight when I go to bed and listen to the news bulletins on the radio. I'm sure they'll pay lots of attention to it. It isn't every day that an 8.9 earthquake hits with a tsunami as a result. 

Tyke has woken up and wants all sorts of attention. He doesn't really know what he wants, he just wants attention. He's already had a belly rub as part of the bonding ritual. I'll play ball with him next. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

No sleep yet...

I tried to sleep, but found it impossible yet and just laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling. I spent an awful lot of time petting Tyke who had settled down on the bed beside me. He was a very happy dog. He chased Gandhi away every time she tried to get on the bed too. She finally managed to make herself small and lie down beside my pillows. Where there's a will, there's a way...

Now that I'm up, of course, I'm yawning something awful and I'm in danger of dislocating my jaw. I have to be very careful of how far I open my mouth. I will have to go back to bed sooner than I thought, but I want to postpone the moment until I'm falling off my chair from sleepiness or until my head hits the keyboard. Teardrops from yawning are running down my face. 

I can spend enough time sleeping because my personal helper isn't going to be here until 11 o'clock tomorrow morning. That gives me ample time to snooze, even if I have to do it in shifts, which doubtlessly I will. I have yet to sleep through the night in one fell swoop. I have asked my psychiatrist to come up with a solution and he promised to try and come up with one by our next appointment, which is next week. 

The Exfactor was here this morning to do the groceries and I have milk in the refrigerator again, much to my relief. I had been using that awful powdered creamer in my coffee and it was just plain bad and took the pleasure out of drinking coffee. I can also drink tall glasses of cold milk again. You don't know what a pleasure that is when you've had to do without for a day. Gandhi also appreciates her bowls of milk. 

I had asked the Exfactor to buy me some ready made salads and he bought me celery salad, crab salad and chicken salad. I can eat little portions of them. He also bought me some creamed soups. Wild mushroom and asparagus. Those ought to be nutritious and filling. Everything I eat has to be ready made or able to be heated up in the microwave. I don't have the proper pots and pans to heat up and cook things in. I also don't want to dirty the stove (the cooker).

It's time to go to bed now. I'm almost falling off my chair. Hopefully I will sleep well now, maybe until morning. We will see. 

It's been a pleasue.

Ciao,

Nora

 

New hair...

I got up early this morning, which turned out to be much too early, and I had to go beck to bed for just a little while before I went to the hairdresser. I wouldn't have made it otherwise, because I would have fallen asleep in the chair there while she cut my hair. 

I dozed in bed for an hour and a half and then got up and had a cup of coffee. That was enough to return me to the living and I got dressed as soon as it was possible. It only takes me five minutes to walk to the hairdresser, maybe less, and when I got there, I was attended to immediately. 

The woman who cut my hair has cut it often and she does not need me to tell her what she needs to do. She knows enough about my funny hair to know what to do with it. How on one side it always wants to stick out and how that needs to be thinned out extra well so it will lie down flat. 

She cut off an amazing amount of hair, because it had really grown a lot since I had been there last. It had only been about six weeks ago, but my hair grows fast. I saw myself emerging as she cut it. That's my favorite part: watching her cut my hair with the different scissors.

As she cut my hair and it dried up, it got lighter and by the time she was done I had very blond hair again. I don't know why that is, but it always happens. It had gotten a bit darker during the winter and it was a joy to see it brightened up. It matches my face and eyebrows better. 

I now have very easy to manage hair and it will be a breeze to take care of it. Washing it will be so easy and it will not be any effort to style it, because all I will have to do is rub it dry with a towel. I've got a spunky hairdo. I had picked the clothes to match my hair beforehand, so I looked good when it was done. 

I'm one of the few women I know who doesn't completely redo her hair when she's been to the hairdresser. Or maybe there are more of you who don't and the story that there are is just a myth. 

Tyke smelled my hair when I got home. He must have thought that it was just a bit of an unfamiliar scent. He laid down submissively and I scratched his belly. Gandhi just wanted a bowl of milk. She didn't care one way or the other. Cats are uninterested in those things.

I'm now waiting for the Exfactor to get here. I never know when he'll show up. I can start doing my chores in the meantime. I'm still a little bit tired and I think I'll have to take a nap this afternoon. At least my hair will be in place when I get up. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Imagination and the use of it...

The day is passing by very slowly for some reason. It seems the hands on the clock don't move at the speed that they normally do. Every other day goes rushing by in no time at all, but not today. It is crawling by at a snail's pace and I have to use my imagination to fill up the hours. I've already taken a nap to fill up one hour. Of course, that didn't take much imagination at all.

I wasn't very tired, so the nap didn't last very long. I also had to share the sofa with Gandhi and Tyke, so I wasn't very comfortable. Then the delivery person came with the package I ordered from the on line store and, of course, I had to try on what was in it right away. It fit and that meant I had to put some clothes away in the closet and that was the complete end to my nap. I had no hopes of going back to sleep. 

I folded and put away the dry laundry and made the bed and cleaned up the always messy kitchen. Gandhi's paw prints are always all over the counter, no matter how often I wipe it. It's the place where she hangs out, because it's out of reach of Tyke. There's no way he can get to her there. His legs are too little. 

I was ruthless the other day and threw out all my dying plants. There was no sense in hanging on to them. There was no hope that they were going to make it back to health. The domestic help cleaned all the pots and arranged them nicely throughout the living room and told me where I could get fake plants for a good price. All I have to do now is go there. 

I have two little pots and four large ones to buy plants for. All the pots are lime green. I had bought them at different times without realizing that it was my preferred color. I wasn't paying attention to such things then. I would be much more alert to them now that I'm not in a medicinal stupor anymore. A lot went past me when I was.

The book I started reading is lying unread in a cubbyhole of the bookcase. I can't get myself to sit down and pay attention to it. I have a blockage in my head. My eyes see a book and glaze over. Areas in my brain shut down and refuse to pick up the book to read it. Suddenly that seems like an awfully complicated task to do. Maybe I see the activity as too passive, but then again, I do sit in my armchair and daydream. I haven't quite got my mind around it yet. 

Sometimes I think I have a fear of books, just like I seem to have a repulsion for creative activity. I probably associate it with another time when I was not at all doing well. Maybe I link it to me when I was another person and much more insecure and needy. I need to establish the habits and hobbies of the new me. I need to give shape to myself the way I am now or the way I am shortly going to be. I'm almost the end product of the three year long journey. 

It's been a beautiful day today. The sun has been shining all day and it has been relatively warm outside. I've worn my black leather jacket, which is my springtime jacket. My other leather jacket is too big on me. I've walked Tyke a couple of times and it was very pleasant, although Tyke acted like a lamb set free from the barn and was all over the place. He pulled me along at amazing speeds.

I must find something useful to do. I have to fill one hour until the news comes on. 

I hope you'll all have a good rest of the day.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Don't neglect the masses...

It's in the middle of the night and, because I went to bed very early, I've already slept several hours before I woke up and was wide awake again. That, of course, is usual for me. As morning approaches I will get tired and go back to bed to sleep some more and I do have the luxury to do that. I'm completely aware of how lucky I am. I do like this schedule and enjoy being awake in the middle of the night and sleeping in the morning. That seems to be the rhythm that suits me. 

I was asleep with both Tyke and Gandhi on the bed, because it seems that the extra blanket I put on it is just what they desired. It is soft and comfortable for them to lie on and it is warmer than the relatively cool duvet cover. They both huddle close to me as if we live in the Arctic and we are sleeping through the coldest possible night. It really doesn't get that cold in here, I never do turn the thermostat that low. Tyke is colder because he got his fur trimmed and he does lie closer to me to profit from my body's warmth. 

Yesterday was a day of chores and walking Tyke. I'm not finished with the chores and got some of them only halfway done. I will have to do the other half today. I did check my bank account balance and saw how solvent I was. I opened all the mail and much to my relief most of it turned out to be very unimportant. You can't tell that by looking at the envelopes. I always expect the worst and then it usually turns out to not be so bad, but there is much anticipation ahead of time. It's very enjoyable when I can put most of the paperwork in the recyclable bin. 

It's very enjoyable to pass the time with more or less insignificant things. I don't feel a great need to perform out of the ordinary deeds. I'm glad when the day goes by as smoothly as possible and all the elements are as uncomplicated as can be. I like solving problems, but I don't like for them to be huge. I do like their size to be of human proportion and manageable. Other people's psychological complications I am usually able to deal with very well. I seem to have a good understanding of them and have an answer too. I usually come up with some solution. My own psyche is becoming clearer to me, especially now that I'm cutting down on my medicines. It's amazing what difference that makes in my ability to view myself. I'm less complicated than I thought I was. 

I do believe that everybody should create their own myth to live by and that you should not believe in other people's myths. If you make up your own, you can fill it with elements that are true about you and not about other people. You have to make up the story about yourself based on how it really is and then live accordingly. If you're completely honest with yourself, you will know what your own truths are and not try to maintain those of other people. Believing in other people's myths and truths will set you on the wrong path and it will lead to frustration and sadness. They won't fit you and you will be uncomfortable with them. Many people go burdened by mistaken beliefs about themselves.

Having said that, I do hope I don't forget my own advice two months from now when the leaves come back on the trees, because that can be a time of turmoil for me. I'll have to go back and reread my own blog posts. In times of sanity I can be very wise, only to forget everything I've said when I go off course. Hopefully, this spring things will be different. I will be off a lot of my medication and that may make a difference. I don't know how much the pills have influenced my moods. It may have been for the worse. We'll see. 

I hope you'll all have a good morning when you wake up, or a good night when you go to sleep, whichever applies to you. 

Ciao,

Nora

By Moonlight...

Four hours of sleep is not a lot, but that's all I've had so far. This means that I will have to go back to bed later and sleep some more, but I can't sleep late, because my Belgian personal helper is coming at eleven o'clock this morning. I also still have to clean up the kitchen, which is a bit of a mess. I'm not about to let her see how much of a mess it is, so I do have to get it organized. I suppose I'll do that before I go back to bed.

If I'm going to do that, I may as well stay up and take a shower and get that out of the way and get dressed and when I get to that point, I may as well forget about going to sleep again. I may take a short nap on the sofa, but that will be it. 

I've got no one to blame for it but myself, as I could have cleaned up the kitchen this weekend, but was too preoccupied. I was having too good a time to do it and I do like putting things off until the last minute, feeling that I'm better able to do them then. I work well under the pressure of time. It motivates me. 

I was in an excellent mood yesterday, despite the fact that it was the second day that I had so radically reduced my medicines. It didn't seem to bother me at all, after I thought that it had on Saturday. That must have been a figment of my imagination. I feel better than I have in a long time and it is noticeable in my whole demeanor. Even I can observe myself and see that I function better. I'm not a slow slug anymore.

As Sundays go, it was a good day. I never have very high expectations of that day, so anything that goes well is icing on the cake. It was a sunshiny day and not too cold and it was a pleasure to take Tyke out in my not so heavy leather jacket and winter scarf. We walked a little bit of a different route and Tyke had many opportunities to be very macho and assert himself with typical young male dog behavior. It included a lot of general growling and posing. He does have a busy life once he gets outside. It's a lot of fun to watch him. 

I visited my sister and her friend in the afternoon and rode my bike over there. It is finally possible to ride my bike again, but I do notice that I'm a little bit out of shape after not riding it all that time that there was snow and ice. I have to build up my stamina again. My sister's friend had gone to the bakery in the morning and had gotten delicious cakes, one of which was almost solid chocolate, a slice of which I had with a cafe latte and it was truly decadent. The coffee was not bad either and packed a real punch, just the way I like it. 

We had a nice time speaking in our best possible English, interspersed with Italian when the conversation got stuck and I'm now to the point that I'm even starting to get the drift of that. My sister is in her third year of Italian lessons and will do three more years.

When I got home, the critters where waiting for me and I had to abundantly greet them, though I had the feeling that they both had been asleep the whole time I had been away.  I made sure that Gandhi got equal attention after Tyke hogged all of his. That's best done when she hops on the kitchen counter and I can pet her there, away from him. Of course, they had to be fed and ate their food with great appetite. Tyke always acts like I starve him. He's an eating machine.

It was good to sit down in my armchair and smoke a cigarette and contemplate my navel for a while. I hadn't done so all day. Some solitude is nice. I could be a Buddhist on a part time basis. I'm not disciplined enough to be one full time. Besides, I don't think they're allowed to smoke.

I don't remember what I watched on television. That's how little impression it made on me. I went to bed early and listened to the radio. It's a little bit colder at night now and it felt great to get under the duvet. I have to make sure that I get enough of it, because Tyke gets on the bed and pulls it away from me. Gandhi gets on the bed too, but sleeps beside my pillows very ladylike. 

The subject on the radio was North Korea and how the government there opens restaurants all over the world named Pyongyang, which really maybe spy safe houses and places to whitewash false hundred dollar bills. How true this is I don't know. It's all a hypothesis. The food is supposed to be very good. There's supposed to be one restaurant in Amsterdam. 

With that intriguing bit of information I'm going to leave you. I think I will take a shower.  I still have my head on straight, so now is as good a time as ever.

Have a great day!

Ciao,

Nora

 

Culture...

I got up early this morning and was full of good intentions. I didn't want to act like it was another weekend day and waste it sitting around in my bathrobe, not accomplishing anything. The first thing I did early this morning was walk Tyke when it was still dark outside and cold. It was even snowing a little bit. Luckily, Tyke cooperated and got his business over and done with quickly, so we could return to the warm apartment soon. I did let him sniff around on the field for a while, but it was too cold to linger long. 

Once we got back inside the apartment, I realized that I was still a bit sleepy and I laid down on the sofa under the red fleece blanket and closed my eyes for a while. I had planned to watch the cultural programs that were going to be on that morning, so I had turned on the television, but all I saw were 5 minutes of news and then I fell asleep and didn't wake up until noontime, so I slept for a long time. 

I immediately made myself a cup of coffee, and then another one, so that I would be alert and well and then I took Tyke for another walk. It was a bit less cold outside and the sun was shining. Still, there was a lot of ice underneath the freshly fallen snow and walking was a bit treacherous, even in my new boots. I certainly mustn't get a false sense of security, because I can still slip and fall. 

After I took Tyke home, I walked to the tobacco shop very carefully, although in some places people had cleaned their sidewalks really well. They had sprinkled them with salt and gotten rid of all the ice. I slipped a few times, but managed to find my footing anyway, so they were just close calls. 

I bought a chocolate bar at the tobacco shop along with my usual supplies and made my way home, aware now of the treacherous places and avoiding them as much as possible. Tyke and Gandhi came to greet me both when I walked in the front door and you would have thought that I'd been gone for hours. It does feel good to be welcomed so, although Tyke was also very curious about what was in the bag that I was carrying. I didn't give him a chance to look, afraid that he'd find the chocolate bar.

I watched television all afternoon. Some of it was interesting and some of it was inane. At least I was dressed and I wasn't sitting around in my bathrobe. That was one redeeming feature. At least it wasn't a day like last Saturday that I let completely go to waste. I do feel that I did something useful. 

I'm waiting for it to start snowing again, because it is supposed to. I'll go walk Tyke in the snow. The country has been in chaos because of the snow and the ice. Planes, trains and automobiles have been delayed or canceled or stuck in traffic jams. People are told not to go anywhere unless they absolutely have to. There's a terrible mess at Schiphol Airport and many passengers are stranded. 

I must go and watch the latest news. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Just how cold is it?

When I walked Tyke for the last time yesterday evening, I almost slipped and fell when I crossed the street, because it was as slippery as an ice skating rink. The whole street is like that and so are all the streets in the neighborhood. None of them have been treated for the snow and subsequently have turned to ice. 

I'm now afraid to walk on them, because my boots have no profile and I can fall very easily. I don't want to wear last years hiking boots, because they are too small and caused me so much trouble with my little toe that took forever to heal. The sidewalks are only a little bit better and it's best when I walk Tyke to walk on the grass as much as possible, because there I don't slip. 

I was supposed to see my SPN and my psychiatrist this morning, but I don't want to ride my bike, because I'm sure I'll have an accident, as there are no such thing as snow tires for bicycles, and I don't want to walk all the way over there on the slippery sidewalks and streets in this cold. The wind chill factor makes it minus 17 degrees Celsius. 

Maybe somebody braver than me would do it, but I'm awfully afraid of breaking a bone and being helpless.  I imagine myself lying in the middle of the street with  a broken leg and having to go to the hospital while the animals are home all alone. Gandhi was already very distraught when Tyke and I were gone at the neighbors yesterday morning and needed a lot of attention from both of us to get back to normal. She's not used to being on her own for such a long time. 

Anyway, I simply can't afford to fall and break a bone, so I'm going to cancel my appointment and not go anywhere until the ice and snow have melted, other than take Tyke for walks, which is dangerous enough. Things should melt by the end of this weekend when temperatures will rise and we will have rain. Rain will be  most welcome.

In the meantime I'm sitting here working on my third cup of coffee, which I probably won't be able to finish. It tasted good while it lasted and the coffee woke me up well enough. I got me functioning anyway. It is always such a bother to make that pot of coffee in the morning with my sleepy head, but it sure is nice when it's done and I've got my first cup.

Tyke is eating his new dog food when he realized there was not anything else I was going to give him and he already chased Gandhi away from it with an angry growl. Gandhi retreated to the coffee table with hurt feelings. Tyke's right in defending his food, though. She does have her own bowl of kibbles on the kitchen counter. She just assumes that everything that belongs to Tyke, belongs to her too. That's how attached she is to him. She thinks they are a unit. They probably can't live without each other. Judging by how she greeted him yesterday, that's probably true. 

I've got to get dressed and go out and brave the elements to walk Tyke. I do worry about that slippery street. Just now I saw a young girl on her bike slip and make a smack. I felt so sorry for her. She got up okay and went on her way. Cars go by very slowly. I am exactly at the intersection of three streets, so I'm waiting for the sounds of a crash. I hope not.

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

Space cadets...

Even though it is cool in the apartment, I'm not experiencing it as such, which goes to show you that it's all a question of imagination when you think you are cold. I've thought I was cold when it was much warmer in here and turned on the heater. It's true that I am sitting here in my bathrobe and my very warm slippers, but I was then also, so that's no excuse. 

I guess my own internal heater is working better this morning, although my hands are cold and I just stood by the back door where I was exposed to the cold wind that was blowing from the east. Even Tyke didn't stay out there long. It's starting to feel like winter, even though it's officially still a month away. 

It's a good thing that I got my very thick winter coat out and started wearing it. I would be freezing in my short leather jacket now. It isn't thick or long enough to keep me warm in this kind of weather. When the wind comes from the east. it's always cold in the wintertime. We say that it comes from Russia, and all things that come from Russia in the wintertime are cold. Even the vodka. 

I'm sitting here postponing doing some chores. It isn't even light outside yet, so I thought I could wait a while. I don't have to punch into a time clock. I know that I can do what I have to do in the shortest amount of time, it just depends on how organized I want to be and how quick I want to get done. I'm expecting my personal helper at 10:45 am and I have to be ready by that time. That gives me a little  bit of leeway. 

I was also expecting the Exfactor, but I got an email from him saying that his motorcycle was parked somewhere in Belgium with a flat tire and that he's going to fix it today. I don't know how he's getting over there. He didn't tell me the details of that. I do know that riding a motorcycle is a highly unpredictable thing to do, because things are always going wrong with it and it always needs to be fussed over. If it isn't a flat tire, it's something else. I don't know where the attraction lies, because a motorcycle seems very unreliable. I would definitely prefer to have a car. 

My domestic help is also going to be here today and that is a good reason to get some of my chores done, so that the apartment will be ready for a good cleaning. As you can see, I've got my day cut out for me. It will go by quickly anyway. Mondays are like that, although I prefer it if the Exfactor comes on Tuesdays when there is nobody else here. I think he has to work tomorrow, though. He does have to put his hours in, even though it is a part time job. Or especially because of that. 

Rainy days and Mondays don't get me down, as the song doesn't quite go. Those kind of days don't bother me. It would be worse if today were an empty day with nothing to do and no people to see. I do so long for the interaction on a regular basis. The times that people are here are the highlights of my day, even if they are only the domestic helpers. Company is company, and I'm like an old and lonely woman who craves it. 

We are going to have rain showers today. At least, they are predicted. We'll see if they really come about, because much is predicted and not everything happens. Many times we don't get any rain at all or just a few spatters. We really don't need the rain now, a little bit of sunshine would do very nicely. 

Tyke and Gandhi are both asleep. Thank goodness for small favors, because they have been active already this morning and Tyke pestered Gandhi and me until he drove us batty. He wanted to play and neither one of us was ready for it. It was too early in the morning. He does pick his moments, the darn dog. 

It's light now and I suppose I better get the show on the road. It is a good idea to get started while I still have the get up and go to do so. I may otherwise lose my momentum and sit down in the armchair and start watching the reruns of the news. I am so not impressed by the fact that Wills and Kate are engaged. We have our own royalty to watch and even they are only mildly interesting. 

Have a wonderful day!

Ciao,

Nora

About the little things...

I'm sitting here late in the evening with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. I've already been to bed and asleep, but Tyke suddenly started to bark as if something was wrong. That woke me up in a hurry. I heard a car drive away, so that must have been it. He is over alert sometimes. I suppose that makes him a good guard dog, but I don't think the neighbors appreciate it. I generally do try to keep him quiet, so that I will get no complaints. 

Like I said, it woke me up in a hurry and my heart was in my throat. Talk about an adrenalin rush. I was afraid he was going to repeat himself and thought I had better get up. He is now sound asleep on the sofa with Gandhi and everything seems to be back to normal again, except that I am up and awake. I will try to go back to sleep at a later time when I am calmed down again. 

My upstairs neighbor has come ringing my doorbell once late at night and I don't want a repeat of that. It does make me nervous. He's very sensitive, because he is in the autistic spectrum, and uses that as an excuse not to be allowed to be bothered by anything. 

Anyway, I have to start the going to bed ritual all over again, so I will be here for a while yet. 

After I spent the day comatose because of the lack of coffee, I did get dressed and walk Tyke. I wore warm clothes without paying much attention to whether or not I was fashionably dressed. It was 41F degrees outside, but it didn't feel cold, because there was no wind. The sun was setting and the sky was covered in clouds. It was good to feel the cool fresh air on my face. 

Tyke frolicked through the leaves on the ground and picked up many scents. He is a true hunting dog, although I think he always follows the same trails. I suppose the same dogs walk there every day. He constantly has his nose to the ground, just like Jesker did and inhales deeply. He buries his nose in the grass as deep as possible. 

We almost missed the delivery boy from the pharmacy, whom I had forgotten about completely. I let Tyke carry the bag of medicine into the apartment. He did so very proudly. I do need a treat to get him to surrender it again. That's next on my shopping list. Tyke does think that every package and every bit of shopping is for him personally. I don't know where he got that idea. He has a real sense of ownership. 

The new brand of dog food is filling him up well and also does wonders for his turds. They are dry and hard and easy to pick up. What a difference with the old brand. Sorry about that subject, but as a dog owner that concerns me very much. 

Gandhi likes the new dog food very much too and always gets some of it. She stands at the ready on the kitchen counter to get her share of it. She also gets her regular kibbles and her dish of milk, so she's not getting a shortage of nutrients. She's getting a little bit plump, but she was always a very slender cat, so it's not too bad. I will put her on a fitness regime if it gets out of hand. I will have her do sit ups and push ups. It's a pleasure to see her eat well. 

I have to try and amuse myself for a while, because I'm wide awake. No doubt I'll find some kind of trouble to get into. There is always something to do in the blogging world. Somewhere in the world someone is writing a post. 

Ciao,

Nora

Been there, done that...

With all the courage I could master, I went to the store this morning. I got on my bike and rode it there like it was a daily occurrence. In my head I had prepared myself for all the possible things that could go wrong, down to the finest details. I really was prepared for anything at all. Nothing happened on the way over there and I parked my bike and got a shopping cart without any problems., but that's because I was so well prepared, you see.

Once I was inside the store, all my anxiety dropped away from me like it always does. I enjoy being in the store and would stay there forever if I could, just shopping and having a general good time. I enjoy picking out the things that I need and comparing prices and finding new items. I found some really neat lighters that look like mobile phones with antennas and, of course, I had to buy them. They're big and easy to keep track of. 

After I went through the check out, I was outside with my groceries and had to load them in my bicycle bags and they just fit. I was a little nervous about riding my bike home, but it was not nearly as bad as having ridden it over there. I had the job more than halfway done, the rest was easy. I had some anxiety on the way home, but I made it safely there and wheeled my bike inside the hallway. Tyke was full of curiosity and so was Gandhi.

At the sight of the cans of dog food, Gandhi started to meow very loudly. She figured out immediately what was in them. I gave her some of a can and Tyke the rest. Gandhi ate as if she had been starved for three days. Tyke was more nonchalant than that. He's a cool dog. 

I spent the rest of the day in a coma, even though my personal helper was here and so was the domestic help. I did briefly wake up for my personal helper, but slept while the domestic help did her work. I had no choice, I was wiped out. It felt like I had done a day's worth of heavy labor and it was all just emotional exhaustion. I'm awake now with the help of coffee, but I could just as easily be asleep again. I will wait for the proper time tonight, though. 

And so you see. the saga of the grocery shopping does have a happy ending for me after all. It was like giving birth to an elephant through my head, but in the end I did it. I hope I don't have to do it again for a long time and if I do, I hope that somebody comes with me. I do feel injured, as if I've been in a battle, and I would have liked to have had the company of someone. I didn't realize it was going to be that difficult.

I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee and I have to decide if I'm going to have another cup. I am still yawning and I think that's good. That means I can probably go to sleep when the time comes and hopefully stay asleep. I did buy extra milk today, so I can start drinking that. It will be a joy to. There's nothing better than a glass of cold milk, beside a good cup of coffee, that is.

I've got to walk the dog and take my medicines. There's always some schedule to stick to. Have a good evening. It's only cold here. No rain. 41F. 

Ciao,
Nora

A slow start...

It's the end of the afternoon and I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Outside it is getting dark and I have the lights turned on in the living room. I don't think I'm going to have much time to sit here and write, because Tyke is getting agitated and I think he may want to go out in a while. He has to be patient for a little while, though, while I finish my coffee.

The coffee is not very good. The Exfactor made it earlier this afternoon when he was here to pick up a package that had been delivered for him. He doesn't make a very strong pot of coffee and I have to remember that the next time I ask him to make a pot. I'll tell him to put a few tablespoons more coffee into the filter. It's no wonder he makes his ground coffee last so long.

I was still in bed when he got here and the blinds were still closed. I had been up during the night and gone to sleep early in the morning. Luckily, I was truly done sleeping or I would have been in a stupor the whole time that he had been here. I would not have made much of a conversationalist. As it was, I didn't want to say to him that I didn't like his coffee, so I had to find a different subject to talk about. 

Fortunately, there was Tyke who climbed on my lap and gave me kisses and he was a great distraction. If you don't know what to talk about, talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kids. There was Gandhi too, of course, who also wanted to sit on my lap, only Tyke was jealous and did not want her to. He shoved her out of the way. Luckily, she is bouncy enough to always end up gently on her feet. He does treat her like a rubber toy. 

The Exfactor always spends half of his time talking about the intricate details of his work, which are always the same and very boring. Apparently what the heart is full of, the mouth runs over with. I think he actually experiences a lot of stress and releases it by talking about it with me, because he always tells me the same things. I pretend to be interested and make all the right noises and never act like I'm bored. I feel his need. 

Maybe he can't talk about it anywhere else. I do fulfill some purpose in his life. He is coming back tomorrow to pick up the package because he didn't have the right carrier on his motorcycle. He is also going to the store for me and we will have a chance to talk some more. I will dig deeper into the issue. Maybe he can air his heart a little bit more. 

My personal helper was here this afternoon instead of tomorrow morning because we had an appointment with my GP. I was a bit nervous about this because it was all so official and serious in my eyes. She said not to worry about it, that it was no big deal, but I had other thoughts about it. We walked over there a bit before 3 pm and soon it was our turn. 

Together we told our story about why we were there and found out that the GP did know about my psychiatric history up to a point, but had not been updated in quite a few years. He did know a number of things about me, but not everything, so we informed him as much as possible and he asked for an official update from my SPN or psychiatrist with all the relevant information in it too.

That was really all there was to it. He knows now about the extra help I get from the Green Cross, both in the form of personal and domestic help and that I live alone and take care of myself. Well, up to a point I do. I'm not married nor do I have a partner or other live in care. 

I suppose I felt some amount of relief when it was done, but I also felt like I had aired the dirty linen and for the umpteenth time had told the story that I don't want to repeat anymore.  I would much rather go in there for a sprained ankle instead of a broken soul. Ha! That's a play on words that I had not intended...

...I just took Tyke out for a walk and the wind was blowing mightily. It wasn't cold and it felt great. It was blowing the leaves in whirls all around. It's fun to see Tyke run through the heaps of them. His little legs get covered by them and he's in them up to his belly. I'm pretty sure that he enjoys it very much too. I wonder how he's going to react to snow, although I really don't want to think of that at all. Bbbrrr...

I've got to get something to eat, I'm hungry. I would Like a meatball, but I don't have one in the apartment. Can someone send me one?

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

Coffee and cigarettes...

I'm accidentally awake. I went to bed at 8 pm yesterday evening, because I was so tired of the lack of sleep from the night before, and woke up at what I thought was 4 am. Good, I thought, I have slept 8 hours. I got up and let Tyke out back and made coffee and then sat at the dining table and made cigarettes. 

When I was very leisurely sitting there, having my cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette, I noticed what the true time was. It was 1:40 am. Man, and I was wide awake. I had been up for 20 minutes already. I was too awake to go back to bed. I was wide awake as a matter of fact. I had been ready to start the day. My mind and body had been fooled into thinking it was morning and there had been no doubt about it at all. 

There were no last vestiges of sleep left in me and now I just have to wait to get tired again. It will hopefully happen sometime towards the morning and luckily I have no appointments today, so I can sleep late if I want to.

I have already emailed with my daughter and ordered a book she recommended by Frances Falk called 'On My Own' and it is about successfully being a single woman. It's available at Amazon. Being a single woman, and probably staying one for the rest of my life, I can use a book like that. I do want to be successful at it in any case. There are enough books on how to have successful relationships, but to have one with yourself as a single woman? I think a lot can be written about it and it will all be helpful. 

It would be unfair to say that we, as single women, try to desperately carve out a place for ourselves in today's society as if there is no room for us. We must create that room and assume it is there and take advantage of the opportunities. It is only our own lack of assertiveness that stops us. If we're brave enough, there is nothing that can stop us. 

We no longer live in Victorian times when single women were old maids who were superfluous and lived at the mercy of the goodwill of their families and society. Nor do we live in the 1950's when we were all supposed to wear aprons and run house and turn out 2.4 children and bake cookies and live happily ever after and were failures if we didn't. What happened to single women then? Did they hang out in nightclubs and pick up married men?

We're full fledged members of society now and there's no getting around us. We are a group of people to be taken into account and the corporate world and the political world will have to pay attention to us and make an appeal to us. We can make our opinions count and I hope that will happen in the best feminist way possible. 

Enough of the soapbox.

I'm sitting here drinking ice cold milk now, which is cooling down my whole body. That's the drawback of that, but it does taste good and it is mighty thirst quenching. I had 3 cups of coffee and thought that was about enough of that. I don't want to get that wired, since I do make my coffee awfully strong. When you grind your beans for a coffee drip system, you have to grind them very fine, otherwise the water will run through too quickly and the coffee will turn out too weak. Lesson number one. 

I do feel better than I did yesterday, when I was either flying higher than a kite or was floored due to plain exhaustion. In both situations I tried to make sense and I hope I succeeded. Neither state of mind is exactly optimal, but I don't think I go too far off the mark either way. Fools and drunks always state the truth, as do children. Count me amongst them.

My SPN noticed that I had lost weight and it is indeed true, I have lost a few kilos. No doubt that is due to all those sardines I eat for dinner. They are good for you and the little bit of oil they are packed in makes you regular. I also like to eat teaspoons of peanut butter, but it doesn't take much to fill me up. For a treat I eat chocolate paste once a week. Mmm... I should really eat Nutella and I'll put that on the shopping list next. It's better for you with all those hazelnuts in it. 

I have a food intolerance for grains and cheese and have cut them out of my diet. I do much better without them. I have for some time now and can't believe the difference. It's a lot of relief. They were such a part of my diet that it took me all this time to figure it out. They made me gain weight too. 

It's early morning now and I made it through another night. I will take my medicines now and get into some other kind of trouble, no doubt. I'm not tired and will not go to bed yet. Tyke's done a poop by the back door that I have to clean up and Gandhi has just barfed. Isn't it a wonderful life? Animals are such a pleasure. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

Mondays that don't hurt...

It's already afternoon and the day seems to have flown by. No doubt that has to do with the fact that I slept until 9 o'clock in the morning. I don't know how I managed that feat either, but I thought it was worthwhile mentioning. I couldn't believe it when I looked at the alarm clock and saw what time it was. I had been up twice during the nigh, and those had both been opportunities to stay up, but I withstood the temptation and went back to sleep, rightly so, it turned out. It seems I do have enough sleep in me at night to stay in bed and take advantage of it instead of getting up and artificially arousing myself with numerous cups of coffee, only to collapse again in the morning.

I took my time getting started and had two cups of coffee while I sat behind the computer and smoked cigarettes and answered emails. To me that's the only way to start the day. Reach out an touch someone. I must get my brain in working condition right away and coffee and cigarettes help me get there. I does feel good when all the synapses fire correctly. There's nothing like some mental activity to get me in the right mood. I would be a talker if there were someone pleasant to talk to. 

The first thing I do, though, when I wake up, is abundantly greet Tyke who sits beside the bed waiting for me to open my eyes. I make a big deal out of saying good morning to him as if I haven't seen him for a long time and not just a while ago when I let him outside to do a piddle. We have our bonding ritual with much petting and hugging and that really starts the day of right. I wouldn't want to have to do without it. He is very friendly and good natured first thing in the morning, but then he really always is. 

The hard part is waiting for the coffee to get done, even though it really doesn't take all that long. It just seems like it because I want it done instantly, which makes me sure that I want a Senseo machine again. Once I have my cup of coffee, I am truly satisfied and think that all is well with the world and for a while I am the most contented person around. I don't think there is anybody on the block more happy. They can all make the claim, but I won't believe them. 

So, I sat in my bathrobe and wasted some time behind the computer and waited for my personal helper to show up. When I knew it was time for her to arrive, I shut the computer off and emptied the overflowing ashtray. She does smoke too, so I like to present her with an empty ashtray. Once she got here, I jumped in the shower and got squeaky clean and dressed in a clean set of clothes. I sprayed all sorts of delicious things on myself and Tyke had a very good sniff of me when I surfaced again. 

It does feel good to be a reborn person, if only on the outside. It makes you feel as if you've gone through a little metamorphosis, because there is such a big difference between you in your bathrobe and you in your nice clothes, all dressed up. I had very shiny clean hair and for a change I got it in the proper do all at once and sprayed hairspray on it to get it to stay that way. Even I liked the way I looked. And I'm a critic. 

We walked Tyke in the cold foggy morning air, with the sidewalks all covered in yellow leaves, and it was very pretty and I liked the way the air felt on my face. It was a very typical autumn day and perfect for the first day in November. The timing of the weather couldn't have been better, but it would have been very nice to have been out in the countryside to really appreciate it and the beautifully colored trees and the fields that are fallow now. You do appreciate this time of year when you realize what's up ahead and you want to take advantage of it all the more. 

We had coffee and a long chat when we got home and the domestic help showed up before the personal helper had even gone. I had the apartment full of help. I do so appreciate it and feel very lucky. The quality of my life has improved tremendously. When the personal helper left, the Exfactor showed up and had a cup of coffee also and told me about how he had had to work yesterday when the weather had been so beautiful. It had been unseasonably warm and the sun had been out in a bright blue sky in the afternoon.

As a matter of fact, when I had coffee with my sister, we sat outside the front of her house in the sunshine without our jackets on and it felt like a summer day. We stayed out there until the sun disappeared behind some houses and it cooled off to remind us that it was autumn after all. 

The Exfactor took my list of groceries and went to the supermarket on my bike with the large shopping bag and my bank card. The domestic help finished cleaning the apartment and when she was done, the Exfactor returned fully laden. The fun part is always finding room for all the groceries while Gandhi and Tyke try to poke their noses into everything and generally try to get in the way as much as possible, until I distract them with food, which is what it is all about. 

I had to change Tyke's dog food, as he ate the stuff I had for him very reluctantly. Luckily, he liked the new kind very much and ate it within the shortest amount of time. Gandhi also like it very much and I gave her a small portion on a little dish on the kitchen counter. She didn't realize this was her lucky day and that there are many lucky days to come. She does owe her luck to Tyke's generosity and his willingness to share. 

The Exfactor had another cup of coffee and then was off to do his other errands and I was finally alone with the animals again. Tyke's gone to sleep at my feet and Gandhi, who was locked into the room with a vacuuming domestic help, is now sound asleep in the armchair. She was very upset about the vacuum cleaner and walked out of the room very indignant when we rescued her. The poor cat does have a tough life here, what with all these people coming and going and wanting to be friends with her and saying how pretty and lovable she is. 

Oh, by the way, there was some doubt in my sister's eyes when I presented her with the cardigan that didn't fit me, but once she put it on, and saw that it fit and how nice it was, she was happy with it. So, I've done a good deed. 

Have a nice day all of you!

Ciao,
Nora

On the road again...

I went to bed early last night and took some extra tranquilizers and managed to sleep through the night, which was very pleasant and something I needed to do. It felt very good to fall into a sound sleep and to wake up refreshed and not tired anymore. Initially I only had one reheated cup of coffee, but I just decided to make a fresh pot, so that I will be ready to take care of some much needed to do chores and get those out of the way while it is still early in the day. I have to take advantage of the momentum and the courage that I still have early in the morning, before all of the anxiety hits me. I have to pay bills and get some packages ready for the mail and then actually go to the post office to mail them. That will be the real test of my courage.

It's terrible not to know where your mood is going to take you on a day. I am rather insecure right now and unsure of how I will be able to pull things off. I'm going to act as if everything is okay and I can do whatever comes my way without the least amount of trouble, but that's not how it feels inside. I feel like I should perform some magic ritual to make to outcome more sure and to make myself more steady. If I drink just the right amount of coffee and smoke just the right amount of cigarettes, maybe everything will turn out right. Of course, I should also take my medicines on time and not a minute too late or too early.

I have turned on the day light therapy lamp just in case that's going to alleviate my mood some. I hope it helps and I will use it for a while and see if it makes a difference. I should know after a few days if it does.

Tyke is sound asleep on the sofa and has not let me know yet that he needs to go for a walk. He is snoring just a little bit and it sounds very cozy. Gandhi is asleep in the armchair, my favorite chair to sit in, but she's welcome to it for now. I'll be sitting behind the computer for a while yet. I can pay all the bills on line. At least those are the conveniences of these modern times. Thank goodness for them.

The day is starting. The paper delivery person has just come by. It is the first noise I've heard this morning. He does ride on an irritating sounding scooter. What a way to wake up the neighborhood.

I think I will walk Tyke first and pay the bills next. It will be good to get some fresh air while it is still relatively quiet outside and the traffic hasn't started up yet. It's just beginning to become dawn.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Rites of passage.

It's officially Saturday, although you can't really speak of morning yet. It's still in the middle of the night, but by the time I finish writing this, it will be so close to dawn that it will be almost morning. I'm glad that it's officially Saturday, because I feel that I can go back to bed at any time and sleep until I'm done sleeping and ready to get up again, although it may not actually take me that long.

Since I've quit smoking, I've started taking short naps during the day and they help me get through the occasional craving I may have for a cigarette, so I'm never really super tired and I'm done sleeping quickly. I also spend a lot of time reading to take my mind of cigarettes, so I don't exactly get exhausted from physical activity. Reading is my main activity and it works very well to keep me occupied, but it's not very tiring.

I think I take naps to relieve my mind of the thoughts of smoking and because it's a distraction to lie in bed and listen to the radio and doze off for a short time. I just as easily get up again and move to my armchair to continue reading.

I think the period of quitting smoking is a huge time out from regular life and it is a period during which nothing is quite as normal as it usually is. It is a time of coping and waiting. You wait for your body to forget the actual habit of cigarette smoking. I still have the tendency to want to light up a cigarette and I'm waiting for that to dissipate and disappear altogether. I don't want that to be part of my second nature anymore. I don't want it to be an automatic reaction to any given situation, innocent as it is, rewarding as it might have been.

I know that in time my body and my mind will forget about this habit and it will not be second nature anymore. I will get used to not subconsciously wanting to reach for a cigarette and my lighter. I can already drink a cup of coffee without associating it with the need to smoke. Which is good, because I need my cups of coffee.

Every once in a while, though, a very strong urge to smoke hits me and I'm ready to go to my neighbor and beg for a cigarette. Pride and a dislike for my neighbor withhold me from doing so. They are nosy enough as it is. Besides, that would be one cigarette and I would still have to do without the rest of the time and it wouldn't help me one bit. It would just be a very temporary satisfaction.

I finished reading 'When We Were Orphans' last night and was very much impressed with it. The ending was especially exciting and very surprising and not at all what I was expecting. It was such a well written book and so very much believable that you started to think it had really happened, but of course it was impossible, but it is the hallmark of a great book and I wonder about the author's research for it. This is the kind of novel that will stay in my memory for a long time.

I started reading 'Man Walks Into Room' by Nicole Krauss. I've read this book before, but it was in a muddled past and I have forgotten nearly all of it, so it's like reading a new book. I'm looking forward very much to finishing it, because I remember enjoying it very much before and being impressed with it and I will read it all day today, unless I get distracted by the television. There are some cultural programs on this morning, so maybe...

My apartment is very clean, as the domestic help was here yesterday and it also seems to stay cleaner since I've quit smoking. There's less dust and no ashes and tobacco and the whole place looks better. I told the domestic help that whatever she cleaned well now would stay clean and there would not be that brown film on everything. She's been cleaning with ammoniac to get that off everything. She's a smoker herself and that's how she cleans at home. The one that comes on Monday also did a good job and that's the day I quit, so it made a difference from that day onward.

I think I will go back to bed for a little while and listen to the radio and see if I have any sleep left in me. I will find out soon enough if I'm done sleeping and if I should start the day officially now. According to Tyke it's not time yet, because he's sound asleep on the sofa. Gandhi is sound asleep in the armchair. It's still early in the morning and I haven't heard a sound yet outside. It's even too early for the paper delivery person.

I hope you all have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Good day coming...

I've had my first cup of coffee and I've turned from a grumpy, sleepy person into a good natured, alert one. It's really made quite a difference, because when I first got up even the animals got in the way of me and I felt like grumbling at them. I knew I would have to be patient and that I would be alright if I just had that first cup of coffee inside of me. I ignored my own bad mood as much as possible and tried not to take it out on anyone, least of all myself, which I am also quite capable of. I can be my own worst enemy when I'm in a bad morning mood, even when I know it is just a temporary condition. Never mind, I had that cup of coffee and soon everything was alright again and I could react to life as a normal and reasonable person.

I went to bed after I wrote my last post last night and did not stay up to read my novel. I decided to be sensible and go to sleep like any other normal person would. I fell asleep quickly and much to my surprise I slept until 8 am this morning. That is an amazing feat and I rarely do that. I do remember vaguely getting up once to go to the toilet, but apparently I had enough sense to go back to bed after I did so, which is a surprising thing, because normally that would be reason for me to get up and have cups of coffee and sit behind the computer. Of course, now I can't smoke cigarettes anymore, so part of the appeal is gone and that may have something to do with it. I was also very exhausted due to a shortage of sleep from the night before and I had to catch up on that, but I would like it if I slept through the night every night and got up at a reasonable hour every morning, grumpy or not.

I'm still in my pajamas now and not nearly ready to get the day truly started. I ought to get dressed, but I'm postponing that moment until later when I'm really in the mood for it. I like sitting here a while longer and pretending that the day is not rushing at me to get a move on. All will happen in its own good time and I'm sure I will get everything done today that needs to get done. I have to go to the hardware store, where they have everything you may need in a lifetime, and buy the new shades for the living room windows. That's the most important thing I need to do today. It is for the sake of my decorative aesthetics that I need to do that. I will not comfortably rest on my laurels until that is done.

Tyke has made himself comfortable on the new sofa and Gandhi is laying in the armchair which is my favorite chair to sit in. Luckily, neither one of them sheds a lot of hair. I've had animals that were much more of a problem, but these two aren't. Tyke doesn't lie on the coffee table anymore, because I've made it impossible for him to do so. This coffee table is smaller and I have a sculpture and a large plant on it. Even Gandhi doesn't sit on it. She hasn't shown much interest in the sofa yet, but I'm waiting for the moment for that to happen. I will have a spray bottle of water ready and I will not hesitate to use it.

I'm waiting for the Exfactor to show up and I realize that it's better if I do get dressed, because it would not do to greet him in my pajamas, although I can put on my bathrobe and be decent... I've just done that for now.

I have just fed the animals and Tyke is digesting his food now and quite happy for it. Gandhi had a bowl of milk and is now eating Tyke's leftovers. She got lucky today, because Tyke seldom has leftovers. What is a little bit of food to a dog, is a lot of food to a cat, especially of the dainty variety, which Gandhi is a specimen of.

Every once in a while I have the urge to light up a cigarette and then I remember that I don't smoke anymore. It seems such a natural thing to do, to reach for a cigarette and to light up. It's the habit I miss, I suppose. It's not the nicotine so much. It's the ritual around it. I must distract my mind with other activities and think of other things to do with my hands and my mind. It helps to stay busy and to be oblivious of my subconscious longings. I must keep them in the back of my mind as much as possible and not let them come to the foreground.

I'm going to get dressed now and look like a presentable woman. I can't be disheveled like this with my hair sticking up in all directions. I do have to make an effort.

Have a nice day all of you.

Ciao,
Nora

Encore un fois...

I'm following my usual 'get up in the middle of the night' routine and have just made myself some coffee to get the last few remnants of sleep out of my system. Not that there are that many there. I'm pretty perky as usual and could do my whole administration and not make any mistakes. I want to do something far more pleasant that that, however, and write down my thoughts and musings on no particular subject at all. That means that I'll probably touch on many bases.

I read a lot yesterday and finished another book. I have now read A Virtuous Woman and Ellen Foster, both novels by Kaye Gibbons. She is a good writer with a unique voice and she writes with an intensity that makes you want to finish her novels in one fell swoop. That's not hard to do since they aren't big and you can finish one in just a few hours. They are very concise and to the point, but tell a whole big story with enough detail so you don't feel shortchanged one bit. You like her characters, though they are not at all perfect people, and you want things to end well for them, though there are not necessarily happy endings.

I am now reading Don't let's Go To The Dogs Tonight by Alexandra Fuller. It's a very well written autobiography about her childhood in Rhodesia. The war for independence seen from a white farmer child's point of view. It's extremely interesting. I love the title and it alone intrigues, but I like books about white settlers in Africa and what their experiences were there. Another book I really like about that subject is The Grass Is Singing by Doris Lessing. It's a sad story, but written with a lot of compassion.

I think I will be reading When We Were Orphans next, by Kazuo Ishiguro. He's the same author who also wrote The Remains Of The Day. He was born in Japan, but has lived in England since he was 5 years old. The story plays in Shanghai and England in the 1930's, before WWII, and is of mystery and nostalgia and memories that go back to before that time. I loved The Remains Of The Day, so I'm looking forward to this book in particular.

I find that reading is one way to forget about smoking. I become so involved with whatever novel I'm reading that I forget all about cigarettes. I find it easier to get involved with a book and the storyline, maybe because I'm not distracted by my smoking. Maybe smoking is bad for your attention span and you lose your train of thought. Anything is possible.

Not smoking has certainly simplified my life. I can simply sit down wherever I want without having to arrange to have my cigarettes and ashtray and lighter there. I can just sit down without all the paraphernalia and get up again and move to another spot without a problem. I'm unencumbered. There's a freedom in that. All I need is my peppermints and something to drink, though that has gotten less too and I don't drink nearly the large amount of fluids that I used to. I'm not as thirsty and I think that is because I don't smoke. I guess it dehydrated me.

I have not started eating more to compensate for the lack of cigarettes. I think that's because I'm not going through nicotine withdrawal. I eat the same portions of food that I normally do. I'm definitely not planning on gaining any weight. That's not part of the program, especially not since I lost 9 kilos this year, or maybe more, I don't remember. If anything, I'm planning on continuing to lose weight, although I hope that the peppermints I eat don't hinder that.

The Exfactor was here yesterday to do the groceries. I had him pick me up some chunky liverwurst, because, despite my misgivings about the meat industry, I did have some worries about getting enough protein in my diet. I thought the liverwurst would be easy to eat for me, because I did so well with the paté at my sister's party. Well, it turns out that I don't like the chunks in chunky liverwurst. They remind me too much of meat and where the meat came from. I guess I like my meat products to be in unrecognizable form and not in anyway to remind me of the animal, especially if it's a cold meat product. My imagination works overtime. The Exfactor is now going to go to the Lidl close to his house and buy a few patés and see if I like those better. I'm sure I will and I look forward to him bringing those over on Thursday.

Ostensibly, he's coming over to look at my sofa, but I think he just wants an excuse to come over, because he likes coming here. My sofa is going to be delivered this morning between 8:45 and 11:00, so there will be no sleeping late for me if I desire to go back to bed. I think I will stay up and read and watch the nightly repeat of the news. I never did get to watch the news last night and feel hopelessly uninformed.

Tyke seems to be cured of what was ailing him, so those antibiotics worked quickly. I'm sure it was that shot that set him right. He gets a pill once a day wrapped up in a slice of luncheon meat and he likes that so much that I'm sure he'd like it for the rest of his life, three times a day. Gandhi gets a slice to, but she's a finicky eater and doesn't finish all of hers. That leaves the rest for Tyke and he's no picky eater. Gandhi takes little bites of her slice of meat and takes forever to finish half of it. Tyke gulps his down in one fell swoop. he doesn't even take time to chew properly. That's why it is so easy to hide the pill in it. I guess that's a blessing then. You can't do that with a cat.

I'm planning on finishing that autobiography tonight. I will sit in my armchair and do nothing but read. Hopefully I will have it finished by the morning. I will make that my goal for this night. It will not be to sleep, but to read. I can always sleep. There are enough quiet moments to go lie down and from this morning on there will even be a sofa again.

I have to go see my psychiatrist this afternoon and I'm sure he will be pleased that I've quit smoking and am still sane. It is a miracle isn't it? I never thought I would be this calm. I thought I was going to be much more of a frantic person. I suppose I am very determined. I'm aiming for a 100% success rate on all fronts.

I have to get rid of that nasty little cough. If I still have it next week, I'm going to the doctor to ask him for an antibiotic, because maybe it's a bit of chronic bronchitis, which wouldn't surprise me after all that smoking. I never paid attention to it before and just accepted it as a smoker's cough, but that's ridiculous, of course. You should never accept things like that. Not even subconsciously.

It's raining outside and 16C, so it's not real cold. It's supposed to clear up later today, but not get much warmer. There's to be partial sun and clouds. That doesn't sound too bad. Sunrise will be at 7:15 am. That's late. It's staying darker longer all the time.

I hope you will all have a nice morning.

Ciao,

Nora