How the magic works...

I'm very comfortably and contentedly sitting here in the very early hours of the morning having my second cup of freshly made coffee. All is well with the world and that is a very far cry from how I have felt for the last several days or so. I am happy to report that the days of anxiety and depression seem to be behind me now and that I am as relaxed as a newly unfolded leaf on a tree in the springtime and that all my worries and stress have dropped off my shoulders like so many tons of bricks.

I talked to my psychiatrist over the phone yesterday and got his permission to use the tranquilizers during the day as well and this has made so much difference that I feel like a newborn person. Instead of wanting to cower under the duvet in bed, I feel that I can face things again and function like an able bodied person and perform my duties and, because I feel no anxiety, the depression is kept at bay too.

I wasn't about to let this problem I was having simmer on the back burner endlessly and I realized that I needed to take a proactive role in solving it. I thought the most obvious thing to do would be to get rid of the large amount of anxiety and the only way I knew to do that was with the use of tranquilizers, so when I took my first ones on my own and noticed the difference, I knew I was on the right track. Since then, the anxiety has not returned and I have felt good ever since.

I was able to do some jobs around the house and walk Tyke and sit down and relax and watch some television, which I had not been able to do. I even ate a decent meal, which had gone by the wayside also. I had been eating snack foods or nothing much at all. I had however been drinking copious amounts of milk and juice, so I was not totally deficient of nutrients.

I feel able to face the day now, which involves going to the post office to mail those packages and going to my first creative class. I was dreading going to the post office and I can't tell you why. It just seemed like an enormous impossible task that I was not capable of. I think I can now do it easily. I'm also not worried about going to the creative class. I will be fine. It's just a five minute ride on my bike away from here and it's not a strange place for me. The creative class is in the same space where I had my creative therapy class. The people will be different and the person leading the class will be different, but all the materials will be the same. If I get through this day alright, it will be proof to me that I can do more than I think I'm capable of.

It's not nearly dawn yet, but I think I will jump in the shower and wash my hair. I can't do a thing with it. I need to be properly dressed for my day out too. That means picking out something different than what I have been wearing lately. A new day with a new outfit. Hurray!

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

Pretending...

It's early in the morning and I'm pretending to be awake. I think I am awake, but I'm still drinking my first cup of coffee, so anything is possible. I will know more in half an hour when the caffeine has done its work. In the meantime, I sit here and smoke my cigarettes and blearily look at the keyboard and pick out the right keys to type. Every once in a while I yawn and think I will go back to bed, but I know it would be an exercise in futility. Once I'm up, there's no stopping me and I won't be able to go back to sleep, because I will be too excited about what the day will bring.

So coffee it is and several cups of it. Nice and strong. The kind that puts curl in your hair. Ha ha, if that were true, I would have very curly hair by now. I have no such luck and have to get any curls I want from a curling iron. I do have one of those, but up to now my hair has been too short to use it. I've tried it and all it does is put a kink in my hair. I'm to dignified to walk around with kinky hair. I'll have to let my hair grow longer just a bit. I just may do that.

I have to get dressed on time in case those men come to pick up the sofa and the carpet early to take to the dump. It will be a relief to have them gone, because they are standing in the hallway where I usually park my bike, and they are in the way. That sofa is standing on end in the corner and even Gandhi is not climbing to the top anymore. She did that at first, but the trick has gotten old, just as she never uses her scratch poles anymore, but prefers to use various pieces of furniture, rotating between the ones that are her favorites.

It's going to be one heck of a busy day with people coming and going and me having to go to the post office and the pharmacy at the end of it. I have to pick up some medicines and my nicotine patches, because I'm working on my last pack of tobacco and I'm not sure when I'm going to run out of it. Any day now I could be an ex-smoker. You will all have to bear with me as I go through the throes of cigarette withdrawal. I'll know not what to do with my hands. I better get something to fiddle with. Some rubber bands maybe or paper clips that I can bend out of shape.

Instead of waiting for my sister to take me to Ikea, I've ordered an area rug on line and I just discovered that it is going to be here this afternoon. I hope they get here on time, because I do have to go out at the end of it. It is nice that it is arriving today, though, as I can put it in place and it will be a spot for Tyke to lie down on. He has been sleeping in the armchairs, but he prefers to be on the floor. Usually the delivery person gets here around 3 pm, so I hope that counts for today as well. I will be home, because that's when the Exfactor will be putting together the coffee table. I can't wait to see what it will look like. I do know that it will be heavy, as the flat pack weighs a lot.

I have to get dressed and get the show on the road. It will be the beginning of a long day and I must be ready for it. I've had enough coffee to wind up a cuckoo clock. I think I will switch to fruit juice now.

Have a great day!

Ciao,
Nora

I guess not...

I had a cup of coffee and that lifted me right over my sleepiness and now the hands of the clock are starting to move toward the morning hour. One of the things I have done in the meantime is simplify the background of my blog to make it less cluttered and easier to read. Sometimes you have to go for the very simple design and not for the busy, full colored one. That's not always as obvious as it seems, but I did figure it out in the end. Less is more, as my friend Laura used to say.

Did you see that Blogger has a new feature? They now have "Design" instead of "Lay Out" and you can custom make your templates. It's more interesting than it was before, but that's not where I got my background. They do have some more interesting templates to choose from now, though, and more options for the colors you want them in, so it's not bad if you just want to stick with them. If I hadn't already picked out my background, I would have been tempted to go with one of theirs. I still may change my mind. you know how fickle I am. If it's there and it's available., I want to use it. Why let a good thing go to waste? I always want to try something new.

I've completely woken up now and will greet the early morning that will start with birdsong in about half an hour. That will be the official start of the day. Sometime after that the sun will come up, although it will most likely be overcast again. The temperature today is going to be 26C and we're expecting some rain this afternoon, but I won't hold my breath for it. It was predicted yesterday too and we never had any. I think we're too far south for it, tucked away in the valley of the Meuse.

I think the best thing I can do is take Tyke for an early morning walk, now that I'm wide awake and no longer under the influence of my nighttime pills. They're completely out of my system. I had taken them on time yesterday thinking that I would sleep early and long, but it didn't work out that way and turned into a nap instead. That's such a let down, when you're ready for a long sleep and it turns into a popcorn fart. I feel cheated out of my sleep, but no doubt I will make up for it later in the day. There's always the sofa to go lie down on for a few hours.

The first birds have started to sing early. They start earlier every morning and ever so cheerful. Birds must always be happy in the morning, how else could they sing such beautiful songs? I suppose they're not worried about hat sparrow hawk I saw the other day. We also encountered a dead pigeon on the sidewalk without a head. Tyke wanted to take it home with him. I didn't think so. I've seen more appetizing things.

I had changed the sheets on my bed, but now I've hardly slept in it and I was all ready for a long night. I washed the ones that were on my bed, because I'm completely caught up on the laundry. I have to go hang them up to dry in a bit. This way I'll never run out of clean sheets. Well. it's actually not the sheets I'm worried about, it's the pillow cases. I use four of them at once and run out of them. I have to invest in more of them, but have to go to Ikea to do it. They have the right size pillow cases there. A trip to Ikea is always interesting, of course, because of all the wonderful gadgets you can buy there.

The personal helper is coming in the morning and just as she's about to leave, the domestic help gets here. The one that works so hard until she's got a backache. She's an amazing worker. I don't want her to get a backache and she can take it a bit easier if she wants, but she doesn't want to. She likes to go hard at it. I thinks she likes to be really worn out after a job. It gives her a feeling of satisfaction.

The personal helper is a very maternal type, even though I am older than she is. She is a caring kind of person who mothers you. Although I won't say that I need to be mothered. It is nice to have someone be kind to you, though, and tough at the same time. She makes sure I do the things I'm supposed to do. That I'm committed to. We're supposed to go to the store together one of these days. I think I will make it an errand to the post office. That will give us a chance to walk there and not have to haul groceries back with us. I don't think I can carry groceries that far.

I think I will go look at the Blogger designs now and see if there's anything I want there. I am curious. It's also starting to get light outside, so in a little while I'll be able to walk Tyke. It will be real early, but it will be nice and cool. No dew treading yet for me, though. Tyke will want to walk in the wet grass and get curly fur. I always looks like he's been for a perm.

Ciao,
Nora

Another bright and beautiful morning.

I had made a deal with my SPN that I would no longer get up in the middle of the night and stay up and play with the computer until it was morning. This in an effort to get me back to a more normal rhythm in which I might have more energy during the day to undertake things and not be asleep for half of the day. Well, I just about made it. I woke up twice during the night because of night sweats and I had to change the towel I sleep on. The second time I was very uncomfortable, because my arm also hurt, so I did get up for a while and spent some time behind the computer, but luckily, I realized on time that I should go back to bed and I did and woke up at a regular hour. So I did actually sleep a lot, because I went to bed very early last night. I wasn't in the mood to stay up and only wanted to be in bed under the duvet with my book and be nice and warm and read.

Yesterday morning, after I got dressed and walked the dog, I did not clean the apartment as I had so proudly proclaimed. I got my book and laid down on the sofa and read and took a little catnap and Toby took a little catnap on top of me. That's all the effort I put into my morning. When I got up, I had some coffee and cleaned up the kitchen and walked the dog. It was snowing outside and did so for a long time. Still, it was slippery outside in a lot of places and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my footing and hit the deck.

I left an hour early to go to my SPN as I also had to go past the post office to mail two packages. These will be amongst the last packages that I will send, as I have quit Bookmooch. I was spending such an inordinate amount of money each month sending books to people that it just about gave me an ulcer worrying about it and I decided not to do it anymore. I will take some of the money that I spent each month and spend it on discount books I want at Bol.com. I will feel much better doing that. I have to send a few more books, but that will be it.

Luckily, the line at the post office was very short and I was done in no time, leaving me to make my careful way to my SPN's office. There were some tricky areas where things were very slippery, but I did not fall once, so that was good. I got there early and read a women's magazine in the waiting room. I never read those, except in the waiting room, because they give such unrealistic expectations about what a woman's life should look like. It's life seen through rose colored glasses and it bothers me that there is none of the really gritty stuff of life in them. It's not exactly feminist literature.

When I got home again, I had to call the pharmacist and make sure they had gotten my prescriptions for all my medicines and ask them to deliver them to my apartment that evening. Then I called my sister to let her know that I was home so we could go shopping. It was busy at the store, but they always have enough cash registers open so you don't really have to wait in line. I was done quickly, because I knew exactly what I had to get, which is basically always the same, give or take a little, and I was ready to go in no time. But I had to wait for my sister and when she didn't show up, I thought about giving her a call. Just as I was about to, I saw her blond head in the crowd. She had run into an acquaintance and had a chat and met the little boy who was two and adorable and she wanted to take him home with her. You see, puppies and little kids...

At home I had the fun job of putting away the groceries with the help of the animals and I gave the cats their food in the pouches, which they darn near pulled out of my hands, and the dog got his treat. I got a cup of coffee and watched some inane TV program while I made cigarettes. It's a program for people aged 55+ and they think we're all demented and can only handle very simple subjects. No intellect is required. It's so condescending. The problem is that I watched the whole program. That's how lazy I was and somewhat fascinated by it at the same time, because I kept thinking, you're addressing me? It's the same problem as with those women's magazines, no unpleasant subjects are broached.

This novel I'm reading, "Superior Women" by Alice Adams is really good. I can't wait to start reading it every time I put it down. I'm completely fascinated by it. It's got me hooked. It's a little bit dated, but it still makes for a good read.

It's supposed to get up to 4C today, so that means there should be some major melting of the snow. It's -1C now and the sun is shining. The dog is sound asleep and hasn't asked to be let out yet. I think he is getting a little demented. Sometimes he gets stuck in corners and just stands there or he just topples over. He also wanders around aimlessly in little areas as if he's confused. Outside he falls off the sidewalk and he leans his head into the wrong side of the door to get in. I don't mind. I just keep a closer eye on him. He's still a good dog.

Well, I'm getting sleepy, so I better get dressed and take him out in the fresh air. That will do us both a lot of good. These anti psychotics do make me want to fall asleep.

Ciao,
Nora

Not going there!

There's one place I'm not going and that's back to bed, because I have to go see my SPN today and I'm worried about sleeping too late and not getting my act together on time. I do need a certain amount of time after I wake up to sit around and drink coffee and smoke cigarettes and do nothing for a while but stare into the middle distance and pet the dog. So, I've got to make myself another cup of coffee and then another one and be fully awake for the rest of the time until I leave. I've also got to go by the post office to drop some packages off on the way there. That means I have to leave a little earlier, as there is always a line there of people having to do complicated things, such as mail ten different sized packages to Shanghai and nine other cities in the Far East.

I'm walking, of course, and the sidewalks are still icy, so I have to tread with care. Today we are expecting both snow and rain, because the temperature is going to be 1C and that is just cold/warm enough for both. I sure hope none of it comes down while I'm out and about, but I'll wear my long coat and my snow hat and be prepared and carry an umbrella too. When I get back, my sister and I are going grocery shopping, which is good, because I'm all out of sugar and the dog is nearly all out of treats. The cats are out of their food in pouches and they do beg for it, those poor things. You'd think a calamity had struck them the way they stand there and wail like banshees and bleat like goats. They pull their whole repertoire out of the closet.

So, if I'm not going back to bed, I'll be forced to keep myself occupied in a different manner and I've decided that will be by doing some housework. I have to do dishes and clean up the kitchen (again) and do laundry. I also need to vacuum the living room and dust the furniture and water the plants. I'll take it one chore at the time and not try to overwhelm myself by trying to do to many things all at once. I'm not the young, indefatigable chick I used to be. It wears me out to drag the vacuum cleaner around and shove that hose around. I don't do it with any pleasure at all, except for the result afterwards, but it gets old after you've done it a 1,000 times in your life. Housewives never get a job promotion.

My regular telephone isn't working and I've just tried to replace the rechargeable batteries with some that I still had, but they didn't work. So now I'm recharging those batteries in the hope that when I replace them again, they will work and I won't have to buy a new telephone. Not that new telephones have to be that expensive. I just wasn't counting on it this month. I can't call out or receive calls, so I have to rely on my mobile phone. Yes. I would love to go out and buy a new telephone, a really nice and neat one, but I don't need it. I hardly make phone calls. As a matter of fact, I may as well give up my regular phone and just use my mobile phone. I may be cheaper of, because I already make most calls from my mobile phone. That's where all the numbers are stored after all.

I hear my bed calling me, but I'm not going there. At the most I'll go lie down on the sofa, after I've done some chores. It's time for me to change the sheets on my bed anyway. It will be nice to get into a clean bed tonight. There's nothing like it. That's a chore I'll gladly do. The reward is great.

I think what I'll do first is walk the dog and get a good bit of fresh air. It's -3C outside and that ought to wake me up well. It will be invigorating anyway. Watch me seize the day and make something of it. Ha, if I don't fall asleep halfway through it. Getting dressed is the hardest part. I'm so comfortable and warm in my bathrobe and slippers, the thought of taking them off doesn't appeal to me very much.

She who must go and suffer greets you!

Ciao,
Nora

Yes, we have no bananas...

It's snowing again, but it's the kind of snow that's almost rain, or frozen mist. It's very pretty, though, and when I walked in it with the dog it made my coat all white. I saw people trying to clear paths in front of their houses, but some aren't too bright and leave big heaps of snow on the sidewalk, forcing you to walk in the street, which is very slippery. They don't get a medal for snow clearing. They get penalties. I just haven't decided what they are yet.

I was supposed to go to the post office today, but wild horses couldn't drag me there, and I have decided to go there on Wednesday when I also have to go see my SPN. Having decided that, my rate of anxiety dropped considerably and I could breathe normally again. It is such a relief to know that I won't have to go out there today, but just to walk the dog. Knowing that I have to go on Wednesday is causing me enough anxiety, but I can push that aside for now. There's no need to make myself crazy about that today.

My neighbor across the street is doing a real good job clearing a path. He means business. He gets right down to the pavement and throws all the snow far away from the path he's cleared. That will make it easier to walk there with the dog. Another place less to break my neck.

I slept in very late this morning, and after I had been up for a while, I had the audacity to go back to bed and sleep until one pm. I had a cup of coffee and took the dog for a walk and he was very grateful. He had only been out back to piddle. I do have the most patient dog in the world and he just waits for me to get my act together whenever. I was going to say, while he sits there with his legs crossed, but it isn't as bad as all that. He just goes to sleep until I'm ready, but during the final minutes he's very alert and he watches me like a hawk.

The path that my neighbor cleared has been covered with snow already and my neighbor has given up and gone back inside. I didn't think he would give up that easily. I thought he was more stubborn than that.

The trash people did come by today and so did the green bin people, so some things are happening just like they are supposed to. The recyclable paper people didn't come by on Saturday. They must have been discouraged by all the new snow that had fallen.

It's snowing very hard now and everything is getting covered up by a new layer. All the footprints are getting wiped out. I like that, because it is easier to walk on the snow than on the icy layer that's underneath it. Some people sweep away the snow but leave the icy layer underneath and you take your life in your own hands when you walk there. Some people have no sense. They don't deserve a medal for snow clearing either and they get a red card.

I'm waiting for the day when I'll get over my inertia and over my agoraphobia. When suddenly those things will no longer be a problem for me. It has happened in the past that I woke up in the morning and that they had disappeared as snow for the sun and I'm waiting for that to happen again. It's like a switch gets flipped inside my head and suddenly I'm on the other side of the spectrum. I long for that day to come, when I'll have courage again and passion. I'm living a very low key life right now and am just going through the motions of being alive and doing only the most basic things. The most active I am is on the computer, because I can focus my mind on one singular activity and cut myself off from the world around me, except for the dog, of course, who comes to be petted regularly. He forces me to pay attention to him.

Other than that, it's not much. I barely remember to water the plants. Only when I see the dire need they are in do I think of it and then I forget about it again some time later. They will probably die, unless they are very forgiving. You see, I have a terrible attitude. The nodule on my throat has gotten bigger and I suppose I have to go to the doctor for that. I don't know if I should worry about that. I have to do two loads of laundry and they are just sitting there waiting for me to do them.

Well, I'll try not to be so negative and look at things from a more optimistic point of view. I am sitting here with a delicious glass of juice and a very good tasting cigarette. These are the little pleasures of life. Another pleasure is that it's almost time for dinner and that the news will be on in a while and I can see what kind of chaos the weather caused in the rest of the country, not that that is a pleasure, of course, but it is a form of entertainment. Nobody I know is out on the road making a long journey and is stuck in traffic. You have to count your blessings.

Alright. I'm going to turn on the television and get ready for the news. My dog is being restless. I don't know what he wants. We have been out and now he's trying to dig a hole in the linoleum. I think his old age is getting to him.

Have a good rest of the day!

Ciao,
Nora

Toward the end of the day...

The snow is still here and it is now -6C. That's not that very cold, of course, as winters go, but it is cold enough for me and I'm glad I'm sitting inside with my warm sweater on. It's going to be freezing for the next few days, although I don't think there's going to be more snow. It isn't forecast anyway. Underneath the snow the streets are icy, so great care needs to be taken when crossing them.

I went back to bed this morning and slept a few more hours. I think that's because of the medication I take and the fact that maybe I just need more sleep than the average person. I do think that the medication makes me sleepy, though, but I think that's a small price to pay for sanity. If that's all it does to me, then I'm not concerned. I don't notice me being depressed. The only thing I'm battling with now is this anxiety about going places.

The Exfactor came here this afternoon and went to the store for me. Much to our disappointment, he found out that all the supermarkets were closed and that only the smaller convenience store at the train station was open and he was only able to buy me milk and coffee. Well, that was something anyway and I sure appreciated his effort, especially considering the weather.

I was out of cat food, but I did have one brand of dried dog food that the cats like and I gave them that to eat and they were happy with it. I was out of treats for the dog that he always gets when we get home from our walks or when he's done a piddle out back, but I had some other very good semi-dried dog food, very chewy and delicious, and I took a handful of that and fed it to him. Well, he loved it so much, that when it was gone, he went to the bag and wanted more of it, so I put some in a little bowl and hand fed him until he had enough of it. So you see, it all depends on how you present the food and he liked it as long as I gave it to him personally. Talk about getting his nutrients in.

Luckily, I had some porridge left and made myself a big bowl of that and now I'm full until tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow I have to go to my SPN and my psychiatrist. I will do this, because those are two of the things I am the least scared of doing. I know that I'm going to a safe place. Now the supermarket and the little post office are right on the way. So on my way home, I can stop by there and mail some packages and do my groceries. That's the plan, anyway. I should be able to do this, since I'm out on my bike already and I barely have to make a detour. I just have to turn left sooner than I normally would. So far, this is not putting the fear of God in my heart and I think I will pull it off, but it is at the actual moment of departure that I will know the real answer. In a little while, I will hang the shopping bag with the packages on my handle bars and I will put my shopping list in my purse.

And you know what the best thing is? Very soon after that, I get to go to bed! Yup, that's what I'm looking forward to. I'm sitting here with a pain in the middle of my back and I won't feel that when I'm lying down. I will put my warm flannel pajamas on and be snug and comfortable under my duvet. What do you mean, a sexy negligee? No such thing for me! It's warmth and comfort that I want. If Prince Charming comes along, I'll consider wearing a tiara.

Have a nice evening, everyone. I'm going to find a snack.

Ciao,
Nora

Slightly funky!

I'm feeling slightly funky, as if I'm a diva wearing a new costume and I need to go out on the town and show myself to as many admiring people as I can and have them trip all over themselves as they try to get as close to me as possible, while they bask in the glory that is me, the queen of the night. Oh hallelujah, wouldn't it be great? The other option is that I sit here and bask in my own limelight that is the desk lamp and enjoy my own good company and keep the secret of my greatness to myself and don't divulge a word of it to the world at large, but only to you, dear readers, who will keep the secret with me and not call the paparazzi for whatever amount of money.

A woman of a certain age needs her dreams and wants to pretend she's like Bette Midler and quite glamorous from the top of her head down to her very toes. Or she could even be as ageless as Cher and be in a permanent state of undress and still not look naked. Either way, right now I need to think that I'm a diva and that I'm sitting here in my diva clothes with my cigarette in a fashionable holder, drinking a very dry martini from a delicately cut glass and I'm about to have the night of my life. What I actually do, once my soap bell has been busted, is irrelevant, because I can make this moment last forever. I'll pretend I'm between engagements now.

Instead of having that dry martini, I'm having a cup of coffee and it tastes mighty fine too. That must be because I'm drinking it from a mug that came all the way from Italy. It gives it something extra. A Mediterranean flavor. I could be drinking it from a mug all the way from Japan, but it is in the dirty dishes and divas don't do dishes. At least not at this time of the day. This is when they have their fantasies. I'd like to pretend, by the way, that I'm wearing fish net stockings and long black high heeled boots, or do you think that's too vulgar?

This morning, after I braved the cold in my regular clothes without a jacket on and hung up the laundry to dry outside, I got on my bike and rode it through the snowy, slushy streets to the little post office. There I mailed the ten books and bought stamps for inside the country, for inside Europe and for outside Europe. The cost of sending the books and the cost of the stamps took almost all the cash I had left in my wallet and left me with one Euro and some change to buy filter tubes with. I considered myself very lucky, because it would have been highly embarrassing to stand there without enough money.

When I got home, I called my contact person at Social Services to find out if there was a special reason why my money was not yet in my bank account and he said that, no, there was no reason at all, I had not done anything wrong, and it should show up any minute. That was a relief, because I thought maybe I was being penalized for not keeping my appointment with him and changing it to a later date. You never know how these government agencies work. There are all sorts of mysterious rules.

Then I opened the blue envelope from the Tax Office and saw the amount of income tax they wanted me to pay for 2008 and I thought, "I don't have that money!" So, I got on the phone and talked to a very nice woman who said that they would give me 6 weeks plus 4 months to pay off the amount. That was not as reasonable as I had hoped, but it was something anyway and I will just have to live on bread and water for that time.

I checked my bank account again and saw that the money was there, so I immediately paid some bills, including the one for the taxes. I hate to have that hanging over my head. I'd rather know how poor I am at the beginning of the coming month, so I know what I can spend at the store. There's no sense in hanging on to money that really isn't yours anyway. It just gives you a false sense of security. While I was hanging out in my bank account on line, my balance suddenly got higher and that was because my rent and health insurance subsidies came in and I was happy to see that my health insurance subsidy had increased, because my insurance had gotten more expensive too. Sometimes things do actually work well. I keep looking at the bright side of things. Miss Pollyanna I am. I see a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.

Time to file the paperwork in a three ring binder that's getting awfully full and that will need replacing with a new one. Or rather, I will have to start a new one in January and get new tab sheets and start filing things for 2010. Everybody is increasing their rates and nobody asks you if you can afford it. All the extra costs get passed on to the customers and we gleefully sit by and watch and can't do a thing about it.

Of course, if I were a true diva, I would have a financial manager who would make a mess of things and leave me broke with himself with a large bank account on the Bahamas. This diva is managing her own small fortune herself. It is a little bitty mini fortune, courtesy of the state.

There's a time to be sad and worried and there's a time to not give a hoot and right now I don't care. I'm not going to worry about a bloody thing and just pull up my shoulders and say, "So what?" You can run around in circles and try to get it all right and perfect and the way everybody wants it to be and after that you just have to walk away from it and say you've done your best. And blow many raspberries!

Where was I going with this fantasy anyway? I think I need to blow some new soap bubbles. I think as an encore I will sweep the living room floor, because there are a few drifts of dog hair floating around. I hope I can manage that in my high heeled boots. I may have to get out of these drag queen clothes and put on something sensible and middle aged. Socks and slippers, for instance. That's okay, I was having a bad hair day anyway from wearing that woolly hat all the time. You can't go out on the town when your hair is statically electrified to your head.

In the meantime, I've got to find some work to do. I need to be sensibly occupied. I'm sure if I look around here, I will find a job or two to do. There no shortage of cleaning up to do. There is a shortage of bright light, what with all the energy saving bulbs. I must find a solution for that. Maybe buy bigger bulbs. It does make things a little dim in here and I may miss some of the dirt. Other people would wait for daylight, but I must find something to pour my spare energy into and I'm not going to the disco, I don't think they're open on a Monday night.

It never did rain today and the snow is still here and now the prediction for rain that was up there earlier for tomorrow is gone. Now we have no clouds and moonshine. I wonder how my laundry is doing outside. I may have to bring it inside if my other laundry on the drying rack is dry. At least that will be a job I can do. Oh good! Never did a housewife get so excited about laundry, but that is because it means clean clothes for me to wear and I'm all for having a large choice of them.

Right, this diva is returning to her regular housewife status, but don't think I'm really a regular housewife, because I'm not. I'm wearing Turkish pants and how many housewives do you know outside Turkey who do? It's been a treat to pass the time with you, but I really must go do something sensible now. I only wish it weren't so cold and dark by the clothesline.

Have a good evening, do all the things I would do and then some.

Ciao,
Nora

What I should be doing!

I should be rushing around getting ready and walking the dog before I go to the post office, but I've pushed my pause button and am going to sit here just a while longer and enjoy the not so quite start of the day. Why? Because I can and because the dog is lying here beside me snoring and he has already been out for a piddle and my coffee tastes especially good. Besides that, my mood is extremely good right now and I want to keep it that way for a little while longer and not disturb it with aggravating activity yet. I know the post office isn't open yet, though by the time I'm dressed and walk the dog it would be, but I have time yet and all will get done in the end.

At least my packages and Christmas cards are all ready to go and all I have to do is pick them up and put them in my shopping bag. It may be a bit tough to ride my bike, because there's still snow outside and it is still freezing. I was standing by the back door when the dog did his piddle and shivered. Of course, he took forever, because he had to investigate everywhere and found one spot in particular very interesting and I wonder if there is a hedgehog there that took shelter. It was too cold and snowy to go out in my slippers to have a look. Every once in a while there is a hedge hog out back that wants to look for spots to hide under and the dog is always very curious when he runs into one.

I started my morning with a big glass of fruit juice, but realized very quickly that it doesn't work the way a cup of coffee does and after half an hour, I very quickly walked to the Senseo machine and brewed myself a strong one, which I drank quickly and which restored me to my senses soon after. Yes, I do need my caffeine or I'm a sad camper who does not function well. I'm a typical Mickey Spillane writer who lives on caffeine and nicotine. I should have lived decades ago when it was still glamorous and I could have been a babe and have had interesting cocktails to drink in a rundown office on the backstairs, with a loaded gun in the desk drawer. Such is my fantasy this morning.

I've very quickly read as many blog posts as possible in the little time I allowed myself to do so, because I was up rather late this morning by my standards and that means that I had a good night's sleep. I slept for at least 8 hours and feel quite spunky now. I don't know what's come over me, but for some reason I'm managing to sleep like a regular human being. I do get up in the middle of the night once, but have enough sense to go back to bed and I hardly remember falling asleep again. I'm very fond of my duvet and roll myself into it as if it were a sleeping bag with only the top of my head showing. I think I would like a heavier duvet in the wintertime, but I'm not cold. I think I would just enjoy the weight of it. I must look into that the next time I'm at Ikea. I need a new duvet anyway. This one is getting kind of threadbare.

I put a whole load of laundry through the machine last night and I would love to dry it outside, but the weather forecast predicts 2C and rain, so I think I can't take the chance, which is really a shame, because there nothing like having your clothes dry outside. They smell so good when you bring them back in and put them away in your closet. The next best thing is when all your clothes smell of your favorite perfume. I've also tried those lavender sachets, but I find them next to useless, as I never have any of my clothes smell like lavender and I think it's all just a rip off. I have thought of putting dryer sheets in the closet and hoping that their scent would make my clothes smell good, but I don't know if they would stain them. Of course. all my clothes also smell of smoke and that is an odor that is hard to get rid off, unless you constantly wash your clothes, even when they aren't dirty. That's the kind of wear end tear I don't need, though.

I just checked my bank account and my money isn't there yet. Luckily, I have cash to pay with at the post office. I do have my guardian angel, I tell you. I am concerned about my money not being there and I will have to make a phone call today and find out where it is.

The dog is becoming restless and is giving me the evil eye. It says, "Come on woman, I need to go out," so I guess I better do that now.


It's still plenty cold out and of course I didn't wear my gloves, so the hand that wasn't in my pocket is very cold. It's -4C and the snow is till just as thick as it was yesterday and nice and crunchy. I don't see how I'm going to ride my bike in it, but I'll worry about that when the time comes. It looks very slippery on the streets where all the cars have driven. I'll have to walk in some spots.

Now that I've been out, the spell has been broken and I feel that the day has officially started. That means I can't sit here much longer, although I can prolong the inevitable a little bit. I haven't opened the blinds yet to let the daylight in, although I will do that soon and watch the sun shine on the snow. I hope the weather forecasters got it wrong and that it doesn't rain today and that I can hang up my laundry to dry. I will tempt fate and hang it out anyway and see what happens.

I haven't got anything planned for Christmas and I think I will just pretend it is a day like any other day, but just a little bit more jubilant. I don't have a tree up, nor any other decorations, except for the sparkly branches in the bedroom and the Christmas cards that are hanging on the living room door. I do enjoy getting and sending cards. That's one tradition I will honor. I'm not going to roast a goose or a turkey and I won't be drinking eggnog. I think I have some Bailey's Irish Cream left that I may imbibe in. I do always think of that as a Holiday drink. It's the smoothest stuff I know.

Well, I'm off to hang up the laundry, so I all expect you to keep your fingers crossed for me for dry weather. Just think, all I want is nice smelling clothes. Oh yes, and money in my bank account.

I hope you all have a terrific day and that you have all your Christmas shopping done, because I would hate to think of you having to do your shopping now.

Ciao,
Nora

Wednesday evening.

I took a two hour nap this afternoon and when I woke up, my short hair was in as good a shape as when I lied down two hours earlier. That's the benefit of having super short hair, it does not get messed up, which leads be to believe that it wasn't cut properly the last time I went to the hairdresser and it was supposedly cut short, but not short enough and I, with my eagle eyes, did not spot that, but from now on I will be alert to it and always make sure that it's cut to half an inch in the back and on the sides and even shorter in my neck and around my ears.

Tomorrow morning I have to go to the little post office in the supermarket and mail some packages, and I'm going to bring back the cans of dog food that I still have and buy something different for Jesker to eat. Something smaller and more nutritious, that's still flavorful and meaty. I want to do that, because I want him to get the bulk of his nutrition from his dried food, although it's going to be a bit of a stand off between the two of us. He will want to hold out for canned food and I will offer him dried food after he has had his small meaty meal. He won't know I'm doing it for his own good, but he'll have to get used to it.

I also have to go to the pharmacy to pick up my very important mood stabilizer, because I'm almost out of that one. I'm using Topamax, which was developed for epilepsy and migraines, but which is used successfully for bipolar disorder. It is the one medication that has helped me the most. It has made all the difference in how low and how high I get and has really evened me out, as far as that is possible. I still have my ups and downs, but they are nothing compared to what they used to be. I recommend this medication to anyone for whom Lithium hasn't worked. Oh, I'm not a professional. I don't think I'm supposed to make recommendations.

I have to be home all afternoon, because that's when I expect delivery of my new clothes that I ordered. They get here some time between noon and 6 pm, so that is a long wait. I'll have to get my errands done in the morning and walk Jesker before noon. Not that it's a problem. I should be able to get the show on the road on time. I just don't know when the little post office opens, so I'll have to call about that. There's a sign hanging up there with the opening times, but because I'm never wear my glasses, I can't read it, which makes me think I should wear my glasses, because today my right eye was acting funky and I noticed that I was not seeing well with it. Well, it is -3, so what can you expect? It's only vanity that prevents me from wearing my glasses, isn't that shallow of me? And nobody ever notices when I'm wearing them. I'll put them on tomorrow.

Tell me which one of you wears glasses and would rather not, but does it anyway because they see better with them? Help me get over my complex!

Well, it's time to go to bed. I'll put my pajamas on and have something to eat and then snuggle under the duvet with my book. Getting my pajamas on is always the best part. It means I;m officially out of function for the day, although I'm a little bit late with it tonight.

Sleep tight, have a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

The beginning of the bathroom scale era.

This morning I weighed myself in my underwear like I always do and I weighed 96.8 kilos, that's 0.9 kilos less than yesterday. I am going to be a stickler about these numbers and bore you to death with them, but it's very important to me, so until I've lost all the weight, it will be the first announcement I make on every post. You can skip this part if you want to. I'm stubbornly going to keep starting off with it. Until I am as slender as a birch tree. That's the most slender tree I can think of.

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There was a very smooth talking young man at the door who offered me gas and electricity at a much lower rate and who could get me out of my three year contract with my present provider and pay the penalties for me, so I said yes, because right now I'm paying too much. My gut instinct told me to go for it. Usually I say no, but I wanted to get out of the more expensive contract anyway, which I signed up for and then found out that it raised my monthly payment by nine Euros. To me that's a lot of money. So, that was a nice interruption.

Anyway, I forgot to set the alarm clock last night, but I woke up right on time and took almost a whole hour to sit and have coffee and get my act together. I have much getting together to do in the morning. I have to see if all my parts are working and if they are in a good mood. Usually they are, but they are kind of slow starting and need some time to warm up.

Then, with a rush, I do everything I need to do in the shortest amount of time without forgetting anything and when I'm done, I look at the clock and very leisurely have another mug of coffee and a cigarette and cut it so close that I arrive at therapy with five minutes to spare, so that I can have an espresso out on the deck and ergo therapy always starts late anyway, because our ergo therapist knows that we all need to finish our cigarettes. She's sympathetic to our cause. Or should I say our need.

Ergo therapy went well. Nobody was in the mood to talk about the week before and we left it at that and made a new start, although in an oblique way we each did refer to our moods over the past week without directly linking it to the cause. Instead, we looked at ourselves personally and how we deal with adversity and how we had always done that in our lives, but there were no great revelations.

Some of us are doing well and some of us are not and together we muddle along and help each other out the best way we know how. Some of us are harder to help than others.

For the second half we had to make an individual collage of things that appealed to us and things that did not appeal to us. We had stacks of magazines and scissors and went to work. After we had put it together, we had to pin it to the wall and present it with an explanation.

The things I liked were very rugged looking men, self assured women, and handsome furniture. The things I didn't like were Britney Spears, glamor magazines and many samples of very expensive mascaras, which don't work any better than the cheap ones you can buy at the drugstore. I had more things that I liked and didn't like, but I can't remember them now. My mind's gone blank, but I remember the rugged looking men the best. Two of them had blond tousled hair, very attractive.

In the afternoon I had dance therapy, but the therapist had to go to a meeting so we only had a forty minute class, which was fine with me, because my limbs and my hips were not co-operating and I only finished two thirds of the exercises. I stood there like a fool trying to move my hips becomingly and could not do it, neither could I move my arms and hands in an alluring fashion, let alone do any of these thing while dancing around the room to the music. I think the more I dance, the worse I get. I love the music and I know I have rhythm, but I can't seem to make those movements. I'm not the least bit sexy or sensual when I do. I swear there is no hope for me, but I'll just keep plugging away.

Anyway. it did mean that I was home at 2:30 and the dog was not expecting me and I took him completely by surprise. I think he had a stunned look on his face and took him a moment to get into his greeting stance. After a nice glass of cold juice, I walked him and then made a grocery list and bicycled to the store, where it was not busy for a change. I bought my usual groceries, plus some healthy breakfast bars and some mackerel. I am trying to eat a little bit varied. The next time I'll look for something else that is interesting and that I can eat. I'll just go exploring in the store and try different things.

I needed an overseas stamp and you can't just buy one stamp anymore, You have to buy five at the time, whether you need them or not. Buying one stamp is impossible. If you want to buy a stamp for inside the country, you have to buy ten of them. Now it is handy to have ten stamps laying around, you always need those. But five overseas ones? I'll have to increase my correspondence. This was at the little post office inside the supermarket. It's very handy that it's there, but they keep odd hours, so I never know when to go. The middle of the morning and the afternoon seem to be good times.

Finally the animals had food they liked again! They ate with great appetite as if I had starved them. I bought different cat food, to see if they would like it better, because they didn't seem enthused about the old stuff anymore. I think they like this one, but it is hard to tell. Who knows with cats? They probably want my mackerel.

I get to sleep in tomorrow morning and I don't have to set the alarm clock. I am expecting someone from domestic help at 1 pm, so I'll have some time to tidy up around here. She'll notice the distinct lack of a bucket and I don't know how I've done with out one all this time. I've made do a lot.

Well, that's it for me for today. I'm tired now and need to eat. Some nutrition is called for.

Have yourself a good evening. It was supposed to be a cooler day here today, but it never happened. Maybe tomorrow.

Ciao...