Moving in ever smaller circles...

For some reason I'm totally indifferent to the fact that today is Friday. Really, any day of the week would be alright with me. I have no preference right now. All the days of the week seem to go by smoothly and one day is not actually that much different than the other. 

Today will have its own interesting elements, but none of these will be earth shattering or mind blowing. My life never does take drastic turns like that and I guess I prefer it that way. I certainly don't want too much excitement. A little bit of that would be more than enough. 

I suppose I would like a few highlights besides taking the dog for brisk walks in the cold autumn air. Those in themselves are a pleasure, of course. The weather is perfect right now and it is a joy to be outside warmly dressed. There's enough sunshine to make me cheerful and the dog gallivants around happily too.

I guess I would like a trip downtown with my sister to pick up my glasses, but the optician hasn't called to tell me they're ready to be picked up yet. I will have to wait patiently. I would also like a visit to the hairdresser, but my next appointment isn't until two weeks from now, so that's something I can't look forward to right now. That's something for later.

The Exfactor and the domestic help are going to be here today, so that's going to put some restrictions on my movements. They will both be here for good causes, so I shouldn't complain about it. And I wasn't about to. I guess the nice thing about Friday is that some necessary things do get done and that gets me ready for the weekend. 

I'm starting to yawn and I'll have to go back to bed. First I'll take my medicines because it's almost morning. I like for them to already work when I get up again. It makes the waking up process easier. I also don't have to worry about what time I get up. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

The quietude of the night...

At this moment of the night, I'm blissfully unaware of everything that goes on in the world, as opposed to the daytime when I'm regularly watching the news and staying up to date. There's something to be said for blissful unawareness, though I wouldn't want to be permanently stuck in this state. After a while, it would make me feel highly uncomfortable. 

I always want to know what those dratted politicians are up to. And the movers and shakers of this world that I'm part of. I may not be able to do much about it, but I will be well informed. I feel that I can guard myself against any calamity that hangs over our collective heads. More than one calamity hangs there now, so I feel I must be well guarded. I must not be caught unawares. 

For now I can relax and enjoy the uncomplicated nighttime. That's what the quiet solitude is good for. The darkness encapsulates me and makes me feel safe. No political monsters can get to me. All the Dutch ones ought to be asleep. As for the other ones, they are beyond my control. You will have to vote all of them out of office if you so please. Or start a revolution, as is being done in so many places around the world right now. 

I slept well enough for a long enough time. I went to bed early and was asleep in no time. This has to do with the fact that I'm mostly not interested in what's on TV at night. I couldn't care less about most of it. It absolutely makes no difference if I watch those programs or not. It won't make me a better person if I do. I won't be better educated or better informed. It might help if I switched channels more, but I'm too incurious to do that. Let's face it, I'm just not a good TV watcher and nobody should depend on me for the ratings. 

It was a nice enough day yesterday. The weather was still warm, although I'm more than ready for it not to be and look forward to it cooling off, which it will start to today. Then it will be possible to wear some decent clothes again and to dress properly. I do look forward to wearing warmer clothes and can't wait to pull something substantial out of my closet. I do have all these clothes to choose from and I don't want them to go to waste. Although doubtlessly they won't once it is cold enough for a longer time.

The leaves on the trees are changing colors rapidly and they are dropping off quickly too. The sidewalks and gutters are covered in them. It's a lot of fun to walk through them with as much noise as possible. The dog likes the piles of leaves too. He thinks something is hidden in them. I have the hardest time pulling him away from them. 

I've decided not to go to Specsavers for my new glasses, but to go to the optician that my sister went to. I think they have a better selection of frames to choose from and I want something that's not so ordinary. I called my health insurance company to find out how much they reimbursed and it turned out to be a pittance and that is even with the additional package of insurance that I have. I was much disappointed and sorry to find out that everything is costing more money now no matter how well insured you think you are. Needless to say, I'm dropping the additional package at the first opportunity I get. I've got better uses for my money. 

I made an appointment to have the dog's fur trimmed because it is getting a bit long and I do want to get it done before it gets too cold. He always shivers afterwards and I want him to be able to grow some of it back before it becomes winter. I won't have him trimmed again until it's springtime. I don't want the poor thing to suffer from the cold.

That about sums it up for me. I've got to think about going back to bed for a while. I'm expecting the Exfactor later this morning who will do the groceries for me. I've run out of cheese and I'm definitely getting some more of that. It was a nice addition to my diet. The dog and I enjoyed it both. He gets the last bite. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

The dog made me do it...

The dog woke me up when I wasn't nearly ready to and now I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee yawning my head off. I will come to my senses soon enough and it isn't half bad being up because I was going to be sooner or later anyway. The timing is just off a little bit. I had expected to sleep a little while longer. 

At least I'm not taking those god awful tranquilizers anymore that would have made me sit here in a stupor. I'm at least sound of mind and capable of thinking straight. Nor do I expect to hit a high when the caffeine has completely entered my system. I'm safe on all fronts and that makes me feel ever so much better. It's nice to sit here with my head screwed on straight. 

The dog, of course, doesn't want anything from me now. He apparently just wanted my company and no doubt was bored all on his own in the dark. That's the way it usually goes. I get up and he lies down somewhere and goes to sleep. 

The cat was sleeping on my pillow and had left just enough room for me to put my head down. At least she was that considerate. She takes up two thirds and I get the rest. She was kind enough not to pass gas. I do have to give her that.

Early yesterday morning, before I went back to bed, I sat in my armchair and read my novel while I drank glasses of ice cold milk. I read for about two hours until I got a backache from sitting in the chair. Apparently, it's not the best chair to sit in. I may have to move my place of operation to the other side of the room where there's a more comfortable chair. 

Once I was back in bed, I slept for another three hours, but I was bright eyed and bushy tailed when I got up. Well, that's exaggerating it a little bit, but I wasn't feeling any pain. A few cups of coffee were all it took before I could get the show on the road, but I think I could have done it after just one. I like to postpone the moment I get into action. I like to sit and ponder my navel for a while. 

I had to choose what to wear and what was appropriate for the warm weather, but I decided to boycott it and wear what I felt like wearing and what was in keeping with the temperature it was inside, which was a lot cooler. I didn't feel like wearing skimpy clothes. To me it was autumn and I wanted to wear the kind of clothes that were more in keeping with that season. Call me stubborn if you wish. 

I like the slant of the sunlight and the color of it. You could say that this season agrees with me very well and it's not because of the weather. It's the general atmosphere of it and the color of the leaves on the trees. Somehow it all feels very familiar and comfortable to me and I feel at home. Even frost in the morning wouldn't change my mind, although any snow or ice would, but I'm not expecting them. I'll have to perform a ritual to keep them away. 

I feel like I had a busy day yesterday, but I didn't do anything special except for some chores and walking the dog. The day passed by quickly. It felt like a full day when in reality it wasn't at all. I'm not complaining about it. That kind of a day is very pleasant. It means that I was very comfortable with myself and didn't get in my own way. I was my own best company. 

Today I have my last appointment with my SPN. I've bought a present for her future baby. It is strange that I will not see her again after today, but next week I already have an appointment with my new therapist and so you see, life continues. It just takes on a different form. The substance will be the same. 

I hope you will all have a wonderful day or that you are still having one.

Ciao,

Nora

Stealing the early hours of the morning....

I'm ever so content sitting here rather early in the morning with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes. I've got a half way decent day to look forward to and there's not much that can get in the way of my good mood and me, except that it will be raining today. 

Hopefully it will mostly be a drizzle like it was yesterday when it only rarely rained straight forward. I walked the dog in it and we did get wet, but it was no disaster. The dog got mostly damp on the bottom half from the wet grass he walked through. 

Luckily, there weren't any puddles for him to wade through because that's his favorite thing to do. He doesn't care if he gets wet. He's totally indifferent, so I think he must be related to a duck. 

The cat came in last night dappled in rain drops and I was afraid to pet her in case I made it worse. She sat on my lap and slowly dried and by the time I was ready to go to bed her fur was completely dried up again. 

She did very cozily find her warm spot to sleep on the bed. No doubt she had not enjoyed getting wet very much, knowing cats in general. Possibly she had been surprised by a shower while she was out. 

The leaves are starting to fall off the trees and I've already had to sweep the patio once. This turned out to be not too bad of a job and I was done in no time. If I do it once a week I will keep it under control and I won't feel like I'm overwhelmed. 

No doubt, one week the leaves will decide to fall off all at once and I'll have my work cut out for me.

For as cold and dreary as it is now, that's how warm it is going to be tomorrow with temperatures in the 80's. It will call for completely different clothes and I will have to put my cowboy boots back in the closet for a day or so. We've had these odd Saturdays of hot weather off and on.

Some weather god must smile on us during the weekends and feel that we deserve good weather at least then. 

I've done a lot of laundry this week and it amazes me how much of it one person can produce. I'm almost caught up. It's only the capacity of the drying rack that slows me down. 

I change my bed a lot, so I always have a lot of sheets to wash. They take up a lot of space. The outside clothesline is unavailable because of the rain, which is a shame because sun dried sheets smell the best. I imagine I sleep better between them. 

I've got to take my morning dose of medicines and go back to bed for a while. I'm not quite done sleeping yet. No doubt I'll be woken up by the Exfactor when he gets here this morning. I'll have coffee with him and that will leave me time to do the dishes before the domestic help gets here. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

A tale before bedtime...

I'm sitting here freezing my buns off because I'm drinking ice cold milk and hadn't been smart enough to put my bathrobe on first. It does make a difference if you do and I'm now waiting to start warming up again. 

It isn't really that cold in here, despite the fact that the bedroom windows are open still and that it's an autumn night outside. It was just my body suddenly cooling down after I had sat here quite comfortably in my pajamas for a while drinking coffee. 

I've slept a few hours and woke up with a perspiring head and wet hair. That's a side effect of the medication increase, I know now. I used to think that it was because I was in the menopause, but I think I've got that well behind me.  At my age I should be. I'm not having hot flashes during the day. 

This is the second night that I only took one tranquilizer and if anything, I feel even more normal now. I most definitely don't feel under the influence of anything, although doubtlessly I still am. But what I take now is so little compared to what I used to take that it's bound to make a major difference.

After I had been up in the middle of the night the night before last, I only slept for a while longer and got up fairly early in the morning. I didn't take my usual nap all day and also didn't feel the need to drink a lot of coffee. I was pretty alert all on my own and in a good mood. 

I started fading after dinner yesterday and went to bed early. I had clean sheets on the bed and that was a sheer pleasure. I put my head down on the pillows and pulled the duvet up to my shoulders and was asleep pretty quickly after that.

Now I'm yawning and tired, which I wasn't the night before last. I think I will go to bed shortly and have myself some proper sleep.

I wore my cowboy boots yesterday with my skinny jeans and felt like a regular tough broad. I liked walking the dog and stomping around in them. It made me feel as if I was making a statement. Especially since I was wearing my leather jacket also. Accessories make the woman. 

Have a good day when you wake up. 

Ciao,

Nora

Getting off the drugs...

I take two tranquilizers along with a sleeping pill before I go to sleep at night. I'm very determined to get off them as well as the sleeping pill because I think they influence my behavior during the night when I'm up and having my little blogging sessions. To say I'm under the influence is putting it mildly. 

Last night, I only took one tranquilizer with the sleeping pill and it doesn't seem to have hurt me any. I slept my regular few hours and was woken up by the dog. That was as normal as it gets. I do now feel less drugged and a little more clearheaded, but that could be in my imagination. Although, no doubt, less barbiturates means more alertness.

I'll try one week on one tranquilizer and then stop that one also. I usually manage to get off them easily as they seem to act as downers very often. After that I can start taking a lower dose sleeping pill. It's really a falling asleep pill, but I have the idea that the effects of it stay in my system for a while. I'll have to see first how I do without the tranquilizers. 

I don't want to feel high in the middle of the night when I read other blogs and comment on them and when I write my own blog posts. It's really not such a wonderful thing to be under the influence of drugs. It's much better to be sober and to be under the influence of your own unmanipulated thoughts.

Today is my birthday but I'm not making a big deal out of it. I've been telling people that I'm the age I'm turning today all year, so it feels very normal. I'm not struck down because I'm this age now. I'm still relatively young and not a pensioner yet and I've got a few good years left in me. I'll still wear my skinny jeans and my leggings and mini skirt. You can't keep a good woman down. 

I think the weather is such that I can start wearing my cowboy boots again. It definitely feels like fall outside. There is wind and rain and a general dreariness. The gales here aren't as bad as they are in the rest of the country because we are more protected here by the hills.

So, I will celebrate my birthday by putting on my tough broad boots and put my Keds away for the season. They have been very comfortable to wear this summer and suited me well. It never did get nice enough for sandals, I thought, unless you wore socks with them the way the Exfactor did like a real Northern European.

I will have to start thinking about getting a new winter coat because the one I have is too big on me. I hope I manage to find a sale on them. Now is a good time to start looking, I think. 

Lord only knows what sort of winter we'll have. I dread even thinking about it. Time is moving so quickly, though. The summer certainly went by fast when you consider that we didn't have much of one. I don't know what sort of harbinger that is for winter. I'll have to make sure that I enjoy autumn extra much.

It's time to go back to bed to get the rest of my sleep. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

A slow start...

It's the end of the afternoon and I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Outside it is getting dark and I have the lights turned on in the living room. I don't think I'm going to have much time to sit here and write, because Tyke is getting agitated and I think he may want to go out in a while. He has to be patient for a little while, though, while I finish my coffee.

The coffee is not very good. The Exfactor made it earlier this afternoon when he was here to pick up a package that had been delivered for him. He doesn't make a very strong pot of coffee and I have to remember that the next time I ask him to make a pot. I'll tell him to put a few tablespoons more coffee into the filter. It's no wonder he makes his ground coffee last so long.

I was still in bed when he got here and the blinds were still closed. I had been up during the night and gone to sleep early in the morning. Luckily, I was truly done sleeping or I would have been in a stupor the whole time that he had been here. I would not have made much of a conversationalist. As it was, I didn't want to say to him that I didn't like his coffee, so I had to find a different subject to talk about. 

Fortunately, there was Tyke who climbed on my lap and gave me kisses and he was a great distraction. If you don't know what to talk about, talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kids. There was Gandhi too, of course, who also wanted to sit on my lap, only Tyke was jealous and did not want her to. He shoved her out of the way. Luckily, she is bouncy enough to always end up gently on her feet. He does treat her like a rubber toy. 

The Exfactor always spends half of his time talking about the intricate details of his work, which are always the same and very boring. Apparently what the heart is full of, the mouth runs over with. I think he actually experiences a lot of stress and releases it by talking about it with me, because he always tells me the same things. I pretend to be interested and make all the right noises and never act like I'm bored. I feel his need. 

Maybe he can't talk about it anywhere else. I do fulfill some purpose in his life. He is coming back tomorrow to pick up the package because he didn't have the right carrier on his motorcycle. He is also going to the store for me and we will have a chance to talk some more. I will dig deeper into the issue. Maybe he can air his heart a little bit more. 

My personal helper was here this afternoon instead of tomorrow morning because we had an appointment with my GP. I was a bit nervous about this because it was all so official and serious in my eyes. She said not to worry about it, that it was no big deal, but I had other thoughts about it. We walked over there a bit before 3 pm and soon it was our turn. 

Together we told our story about why we were there and found out that the GP did know about my psychiatric history up to a point, but had not been updated in quite a few years. He did know a number of things about me, but not everything, so we informed him as much as possible and he asked for an official update from my SPN or psychiatrist with all the relevant information in it too.

That was really all there was to it. He knows now about the extra help I get from the Green Cross, both in the form of personal and domestic help and that I live alone and take care of myself. Well, up to a point I do. I'm not married nor do I have a partner or other live in care. 

I suppose I felt some amount of relief when it was done, but I also felt like I had aired the dirty linen and for the umpteenth time had told the story that I don't want to repeat anymore.  I would much rather go in there for a sprained ankle instead of a broken soul. Ha! That's a play on words that I had not intended...

...I just took Tyke out for a walk and the wind was blowing mightily. It wasn't cold and it felt great. It was blowing the leaves in whirls all around. It's fun to see Tyke run through the heaps of them. His little legs get covered by them and he's in them up to his belly. I'm pretty sure that he enjoys it very much too. I wonder how he's going to react to snow, although I really don't want to think of that at all. Bbbrrr...

I've got to get something to eat, I'm hungry. I would Like a meatball, but I don't have one in the apartment. Can someone send me one?

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

So early in the morning...

If you want to read about the computer modem and about dreams and early morning happiness, you can do that here, and I highly recommend it to get you into the proper mood. It does require some of your time, but I'm sure you have some extra of that lying around on a lazy Tuesday morning in November while  it is cold outside. 

I'm cold myself inside in the early morning hours and have just turned the  thermostat up to a more comfortable temperature. It will be toasty warm here in a little while, It doesn't take much to heat up the apartment and I will be able to turn off the heater in a while again and it will stay warm enough in here. That's the comfort of living in a small place that's not too drafty. 

I've been up long enough now to have a sore bum from sitting in my desk chair, but then I get one easily for having broken my tail bone once. It does get uncomfortable if I sit in one position for a while. I have to shift my rear end a lot. I should sit on many soft downy pillows, but I don't have those and the ones from my bed don't work. They are not soft enough and only make the problem worse. They are okay for a head, but not for a bum. 

The coffee tastes especially nice this morning, but then I made a strong pot of it. I measured generously and gave the coffee a real kick, just the way I like it. I do so dislike a weak cup of coffee, like you get in roadside diners along American highways. Truckers are supposed to be happy with that. I bet if they had their say it would be a little bit stronger to make the long haul more bearable. 

I've never had a worse cup of coffee than in those diners, even though they pour it generously. The exception being that French roadside restaurant that had atrocious coffee that didn't deserve the name and did the French reputation shame. They are supposed to have the best cup of coffee on the continent, although I tend to disagree and think that we do. Some chauvinism is involved.

I've had my medicines and am waiting for them to work and assume I will be nice and mellow then, although I am not unhappy now. I've decided to take two tranquilizers during the day, those make me just relaxed enough. One was pushing my luck just a little bit and I was on edge unnecessarily. They are a very low dose and I'm not worried about them. I barely notice them working, but they do make a difference. 

I have to go see my SPN this afternoon and I will find out when the reassessment of my treatment will be. It should be this week and I will be present during it, so I hope it doesn't conflict with any of my other appointments. There should be a bit more careful planning as it can't be assumed that I'm always available, but that doesn't seem to have dawned on anybody. I will make that a point today. Some things are left very unclear.

There's some question as to whether I'm going to bed again now to sleep some more or drink more coffee to stay fully awake. There's a great temptation to stay up and get dressed and take Tyke for a walk in the cold November air. It's foggy outside again, but not especially very cold and there's no wind, of course. I'm slightly loopy, though, and may not be able to make a long walk. 

It's possible that the cold air will wake me right up and I will be full of vigor again once I'm out. I do wish I had a country lane to saunter down and Tyke to let off the leash. It would be such a much more pleasant walk. We'll have to do with the sidewalks of the suburbs and the semi pleasant trees and shrubbery of that landscape. And the layers upon layers of fallen leaves that have not been swept yet and that's going to be an impossible task.

For now Tyke is sound sleep on the sofa and there is not a peep out of him, so I have some time. He has been out back early this morning to do his biggest business, so there's no rush. I do appreciate when he does that. It takes the pressure off to get going immediately. I can be a little more leisurely.

I'm going to get another cup of coffee and bid you goodbye. I will get dressed and see how far I get. Maybe I will get stuck halfway though and will have to join Tyke on the sofa for a quick nap. 

Have a fantastic Tuesday.

Ciao,
Nora

 

Mondays that don't hurt...

It's already afternoon and the day seems to have flown by. No doubt that has to do with the fact that I slept until 9 o'clock in the morning. I don't know how I managed that feat either, but I thought it was worthwhile mentioning. I couldn't believe it when I looked at the alarm clock and saw what time it was. I had been up twice during the nigh, and those had both been opportunities to stay up, but I withstood the temptation and went back to sleep, rightly so, it turned out. It seems I do have enough sleep in me at night to stay in bed and take advantage of it instead of getting up and artificially arousing myself with numerous cups of coffee, only to collapse again in the morning.

I took my time getting started and had two cups of coffee while I sat behind the computer and smoked cigarettes and answered emails. To me that's the only way to start the day. Reach out an touch someone. I must get my brain in working condition right away and coffee and cigarettes help me get there. I does feel good when all the synapses fire correctly. There's nothing like some mental activity to get me in the right mood. I would be a talker if there were someone pleasant to talk to. 

The first thing I do, though, when I wake up, is abundantly greet Tyke who sits beside the bed waiting for me to open my eyes. I make a big deal out of saying good morning to him as if I haven't seen him for a long time and not just a while ago when I let him outside to do a piddle. We have our bonding ritual with much petting and hugging and that really starts the day of right. I wouldn't want to have to do without it. He is very friendly and good natured first thing in the morning, but then he really always is. 

The hard part is waiting for the coffee to get done, even though it really doesn't take all that long. It just seems like it because I want it done instantly, which makes me sure that I want a Senseo machine again. Once I have my cup of coffee, I am truly satisfied and think that all is well with the world and for a while I am the most contented person around. I don't think there is anybody on the block more happy. They can all make the claim, but I won't believe them. 

So, I sat in my bathrobe and wasted some time behind the computer and waited for my personal helper to show up. When I knew it was time for her to arrive, I shut the computer off and emptied the overflowing ashtray. She does smoke too, so I like to present her with an empty ashtray. Once she got here, I jumped in the shower and got squeaky clean and dressed in a clean set of clothes. I sprayed all sorts of delicious things on myself and Tyke had a very good sniff of me when I surfaced again. 

It does feel good to be a reborn person, if only on the outside. It makes you feel as if you've gone through a little metamorphosis, because there is such a big difference between you in your bathrobe and you in your nice clothes, all dressed up. I had very shiny clean hair and for a change I got it in the proper do all at once and sprayed hairspray on it to get it to stay that way. Even I liked the way I looked. And I'm a critic. 

We walked Tyke in the cold foggy morning air, with the sidewalks all covered in yellow leaves, and it was very pretty and I liked the way the air felt on my face. It was a very typical autumn day and perfect for the first day in November. The timing of the weather couldn't have been better, but it would have been very nice to have been out in the countryside to really appreciate it and the beautifully colored trees and the fields that are fallow now. You do appreciate this time of year when you realize what's up ahead and you want to take advantage of it all the more. 

We had coffee and a long chat when we got home and the domestic help showed up before the personal helper had even gone. I had the apartment full of help. I do so appreciate it and feel very lucky. The quality of my life has improved tremendously. When the personal helper left, the Exfactor showed up and had a cup of coffee also and told me about how he had had to work yesterday when the weather had been so beautiful. It had been unseasonably warm and the sun had been out in a bright blue sky in the afternoon.

As a matter of fact, when I had coffee with my sister, we sat outside the front of her house in the sunshine without our jackets on and it felt like a summer day. We stayed out there until the sun disappeared behind some houses and it cooled off to remind us that it was autumn after all. 

The Exfactor took my list of groceries and went to the supermarket on my bike with the large shopping bag and my bank card. The domestic help finished cleaning the apartment and when she was done, the Exfactor returned fully laden. The fun part is always finding room for all the groceries while Gandhi and Tyke try to poke their noses into everything and generally try to get in the way as much as possible, until I distract them with food, which is what it is all about. 

I had to change Tyke's dog food, as he ate the stuff I had for him very reluctantly. Luckily, he liked the new kind very much and ate it within the shortest amount of time. Gandhi also like it very much and I gave her a small portion on a little dish on the kitchen counter. She didn't realize this was her lucky day and that there are many lucky days to come. She does owe her luck to Tyke's generosity and his willingness to share. 

The Exfactor had another cup of coffee and then was off to do his other errands and I was finally alone with the animals again. Tyke's gone to sleep at my feet and Gandhi, who was locked into the room with a vacuuming domestic help, is now sound asleep in the armchair. She was very upset about the vacuum cleaner and walked out of the room very indignant when we rescued her. The poor cat does have a tough life here, what with all these people coming and going and wanting to be friends with her and saying how pretty and lovable she is. 

Oh, by the way, there was some doubt in my sister's eyes when I presented her with the cardigan that didn't fit me, but once she put it on, and saw that it fit and how nice it was, she was happy with it. So, I've done a good deed. 

Have a nice day all of you!

Ciao,
Nora

A very new day...

I'm sure my dip that I had yesterday was of a temporary nature, because today is a brand new day and I feel much better. I was up early in the morning for a little while, but clearly had not slept enough and went back to bed and slept until 11 am. I felt very good when I woke up and I was ready to face the day. I had none of the negative feelings that I had yesterday and my outlook was much brighter.

Listening to talk radio when I go to sleep is working out very well. I leave the radio on while I sleep and wake up to it as well. I fall asleep quickly listening to it and find it very soothing. All sorts of subjects are discussed and I learn a lot if I'm not asleep, but I wonder if subconsciously I don't also pick things up while I'm asleep, because I dream some very interesting things that I normally don't. I think the things I hear on the radio penetrate my mind while I´m asleep and get mixed up with what I'm dreaming at night and early in the morning.

I do have a greater desire for sleep, but I think that´s not necessarily a bad thing. I´m not as hyper as I was or I should say, as over excited, and I think that is good, because it was a bit worrisome. I felt the slightest bit hypomanic, although I would have denied it if you had asked me about it. I am now speaking after the fact, when I´m calmed down. This is a much better sort of mood to be in.

I´m very appreciative of my present mood, which is much more settled and serene and doesn´t require me to have to think of ways to keep myself constantly occupied. I can be at rest and be okay with that too. I´m not going around thinking of ways to stay out of trouble and to fill every moment of the day. It is alright to have long empty pauses too. Those are just restful moments. I can sit and do nothing at all and have peace with that and stare into the middle distance and think of nothing important at all. That´s a preferable state of mind. When nothing is really very urgent and all can be taken care of in its own good time.

The Exfactor was here this afternoon and did the very necessary groceries. I was out of all sorts of things and it was a good thing that he went to the supermarket. I plan the groceries to last me exactly one week and had run out of things. I was even out of coffee and was drinking tea, which I luckily still had enough of. I do have all sorts of tea and had the Exfactor buy me some more just in case. I fixed coffee for us when he came back from the store and it tasted mighty good, but I did make a strong pot. It met with the Exfactor´s approval anyway, so I know my coffee is good. He´s a picky person.

This particular brand of coffee has points that you can save on the packages and I´m cutting them out and saving them in the kitchen drawer. Because the Exfactor drinks the same coffee. I´ve made him promise to save his points too. I don´t really know what sort of useless things you can get with them, but if they´re free, I want to get them. I just have to find the booklet to paste the points in. I think you can get silver teaspoons and other decadent items like that. I´ll have to do some research. I´m getting real greedy. I´m a typical housewife after all, but that´s not why I drink this coffee. It is just plain good. They don´t even need to give away the points.

I had the Exfactor buy me some wheat bread and peanut butter. The wheat bread is good for me and the peanut butter I like and has protein. I haven´t been eating bread for a long time, but I think it´s a good addition to my diet. I´ll be eating it instead of the porridge, because I think it has just a bit more fiber and vitamins. I know that peanut butter is more fattening, but I don´t plan to eat the whole jar all at once. I do need more protein in my diet than I´m getting from dairy products alone. I thought about getting eggs, but then I remembered that I really don´t like them all that much and that I always forget to eat them. I would like to eat some fish one of these days, but I prefer a piece of salmon from the open air market and I never go there on the right day. There´s the problem with eating fish also, because salmon is a cultivated fish and there some question about it being a healthy to eat fish. I have to find out more about this.

We finally have nice weather today. It isn´t raining for a change and although there are clouds in the sky, the sun is shining a lot. It isn´t very warm, but you get a little bit of a sense of a nice early day in fall. Meteorologically it is fall already. It has been since yesterday. I do like the month of September because we usually have nice weather. It´s like a breather before autumn really starts.

I have to make it a point to sit in my armchair this afternoon and read my novel for a while now that I don´t read before I fall asleep. I so much prefer listening to the radio and I fall asleep quicker too. I do want to spend time reading, though, and I have plenty of books left to read. I don´t want to neglect my mind. These novels I read always give me lots of food for thought, especially the ones in which relationships and their different aspects are the focus. I learn a lot about human behavior and stop being surprised and what situations bring out what sides of a person´s character. Anything at all is possible.

What I´m looking forward to most is a peanut butter sandwich and a tall glass of milk. I think that will be my special treat for today.

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

A little stress?

It is possible that with the approach of autumn I've been feeling a little more stress lately. Needless to say that shows up in the posts I've been writing. I think there's been the undertone of just a bit of neurosis in them and the last thing I want to do is come across as a neurotic woman. That means that I have to regroup and get my act together. I have to practice a bit of mindfulness and not let my high strung emotions run away with me.

The best way to do that is to take deep breaths and slow down and stop and think about what I'm doing. To take inventory of myself and my feelings and how I want to react to them and what I should do instead of acting in a knee jerk fashion. I can't run around like a chicken with its head cut off, I do have more sense than that.

One thing I won't do anymore is go around making broad statements about myself. I will not say that I am something or other simply because I have decided that for a moment it is what I am most like. That's dangerous and putting myself in a box with a label in which I possibly don't belong. Besides, I don't want to put myself in a box with a label. That's too restrictive and doesn't describe all of the many facets which also make me who I am. So, broad statements are out. I won't pin myself down.

I have to be mindful of the shorter days and the way the light slants in the afternoon. It is autumn light and the stormy weather and the rain make it feel like autumn too. It's mostly the light, though, that makes the difference and I know it. I'm familiar with the color of the sunlight at the end of the day at this time of year and I'm familiar with the feelings of nostalgia and sadness that hit me. I think it's time to bring out the Bright Light Energy Lamp and to sit in front of it half an hour every day.

Anyway, I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee in the middle of the night. I woke up because Tyke was pestering Gandhi, but I think I would have woken up anyway because I always do. I don't really need an excuse for that. It has finally stopped storming, which it did all day yesterday well into the evening. There was a very strong wind, which rattled the bedroom window and pulled at the window shade. There is a clear sky outside and all is silent, which it usually has a tendency to be at night. If it were winter now, it would be snowing. That's how silent it is.

Tyke has finally settled down after initially thinking that exciting things were going to happen because I was up. We go through this every night and you would think that he would have caught on by now that nothing is going to happen. He's asleep on the sofa now and as innocent as a puppy, which in many ways he still is. Gandhi has settled down in the used paper box. I guess she figured that was the safest place to be away from Tyke who adores her too much. He's completely smitten with her.

My boots got here yesterday, but I haven't taken a photo of them yet, nor have I taken photos of Gandhi and Tyke. I will do that today if I think of it. The boots fit well and they are the right size. I can even wear thick socks with them this winter. I sprayed them with a protective layer immediately because they are suede and I spilled milk on them right away which I could wipe off easily.

I'm almost done using the coffee pads for the Senseo machine and will be putting the regular coffeemaker to use soon. I've got the filter coffee and put it in glass cannisters with tight lids to guard the freshness. The Senseo machine is a mess now and constantly leaks and is ready to be put to pasture. No amount of vinegar is going to save it. I'm surprised it hasn't completely come apart yet. I will never have another Senseo machine again considering the expense and the relatively short lifetime.

I've been wearing my short, black, leather jacket and I'm glad I've got it because the weather has been blustery. The wind has a cold edge to it and I think it's just a little bit too cold for just a cardigan. But that may just be me and I may be more susceptible to the cold, although I like the cool weather. I like dressing up for it and I'm glad I get to wear some clothes that I like and my black leather jacket is one of them. It's got handy pockets for when I take Tyke for a walk. I don't have to carry my keys and the baggies in my hands for lack of pockets.

I remember when I bought that jacket and I was so pleased with it. I thought it was going to be warm enough for winter, but that proved to be wrong. It's not warm enough when it gets real cold. I need my other leather jacket for that or even my thick suede coat with the furry liner. I've got this incredibly long, warm scarf now that I can wrap around my neck at least twice. That ought to keep me warm enough. I've also got my dress up scarves to wear when the weather gets cooler. I do want to buy some new gloves that are a little bit more fashionable and that match my scarf. The pairs I have now are the wrong color and outdated and not as thick as I would like.

You see, in my mind I'm getting ready for winter and it isn't even fall yet. I'm mentally preparing myself for it. I don't want to be caught unawares. I hope it's not going to be the same long hard winter we had last year, but I'm prepared for anything. But first I have to prepare myself for fall and its beautiful colors. I hope I have the energy to take Tyke for long walks and see the beauty of the changing colors of the trees. I wonder when that change is going to start?

I'm going to try and go back to sleep again. I should be good for a few more hours, though I really feel like staying up, but it's too early. I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Have a good day when you get up.

Ciao,
Nora

After midnight...

I went to sleep real early last night, it was still light outside, but I didn´t care. I was yawning and tired and ready to go to bed. I couldn´t think of a better place to be and all I could think about was how nice it would be to stretch out under the duvet and read my book. It had rained all evening, sometimes very fiercely, and I hoped it would keep on raining during the night. No such thing happened, though, and now it is only lightly cloudy, but it is still 20C outside and warm.

Needless to say. because I went to sleep so early, I woke up after midnight and was wide awake again. That´s when my sleeping pill stops working. I should say, my fall asleep pill, because that´s all it is. I won´t get real sleepy again now for a few hours and then go back to bed. You could say that I´ve had a long nap.

I googled my boots and found a picture of them, but they were the wrong color and didn´t look nearly as elegant as they are, so I´m not going to post it after all. Maybe I will take a photo of them when I get them tomorrow. I can take pictures of Tyke and Gandhi at the same time and post them too. You will finally get to see what Tyke looks like with his short haircut.

Every once in awhile a dark thought crosses my mind. It is like a dark cloud crossing in front of the sun. It only lasts for a minute and then it is gone again, but for that minute I am steeped in moroseness and I am reminded of what it is like to be depressed. I hope these dark thoughts are not harbingers of a depression and I´m trying to treat them lightly and not take them too seriously.

I do want to be alert to the signs, though, and not be taken unawares. They are increasing in occurrence and that´s what I want to prevent from happening. I may have them due to circumstances. I am the support system of my younger sister, who wants advice, but who will listen to none of it and keeps making the same mistakes over and over again, no matter how much input I give her. I´m now to the point where I want to withdraw my support and let her find her way on her own. This is a hard decision to make, though, but I´m disheartened enough to make it.

I never want my mental health to be dependent on that of other people´s. It can´t be so that I have to pay the price for the foolishness of other people´s actions. I´m sure that it´s not how it´s meant to be. I do think we should help each other, but when it stops being help and turns into an exercise in futility, you have to stop putting in the energy and the effort.

I don´t know if this is the cause of my dark thoughts. I may have them all on my own regardless of this. It may be that time of year when it is approaching autumn. The weather sure has been like it and the days are getting shorter, especially with the rainy days. I have to turn the lights on early in the apartment, gloomy as it is when the sun doesn´t shine.

Tyke has misplaced his tennis ball and I can´t find it anywhere. I have been on my hands and knees looking under all the furniture, but it has disappeared. I´ve been in every room. He keeps coming to me asking for it, but I have no idea where it is. It´s very frustrating and I hope he finds it himself, but he is as stumped as I am. He loves that ball and I should get some more.

I think it´s time to go back to bed. I´m ready now. I´ll get myself a glass of milk and be off.

Have a good morning when you get up.

Ciao,
Nora

Thoughts on the subject.

Yesterday, when I told my SPN about my reluctance to go to the creative classes at the clinic, she showed some concern. She thought I was being overly confident now and that I thought I could do without the built in support of the system there and enroll in a regular course, but that I had not considered what would happen if my mood changed in the fall when things would become more difficult and I would be harder to motivate and need more encouragement.

It was obvious to her that I would not find this support and encouragement in a regular course where I would be required to attend every session no matter how I was doing at any particular time and that there would be no excuses for not showing up. I would have to attend the classes regularly just like any other person and not have an excuse such as depression dismiss me from my responsibilities. There would be no pep talks over the telephone from concerned individuals who would want to know how I was and who would try to talk me into trying to show up again.

In the creative classes at the clinic, there is at least an awful lot of leeway because they are used to people with "conditions " who need extra care and who are victim to extenuating circumstances. Although my SPN praised my willingness to be out among "normal" people, she also saw the danger in it, but she does want me enrolled in some sort of a program before the fall starts.

I had planned to cancel my appointment with the woman to enroll me in the creative classes at the clinic, but I have decided to go to it anyway tomorrow and see what she can come up with for me. Maybe there will be a good opening.

In the meantime, I have checked out the courses that are available for me to take instead and found out that they are very expensive. The ones that I was interested in taking cost several hundred euros each for 26 weeks and are only given at night. Of course, I can't afford these and would not want to go at night. There's no subsidy for them and the tuition is calculated on your age and postal code, which is very specific.

I think some things are meant to be and some things are not and there is such a thing as fate. So, that is what I will believe in then.

In the meantime I'm sitting here with a glass of milk, freezing my buns off. I washed my bathrobe and I think it isn't dry yet. I better go check on it... no, it's still wet. I will go to bed shortly and get under the warm duvet. I am yawning something awful.

Goodnight, dear people. Sleep tight.

Ciao,
Nora

Sunday is lovely too...

I'm going to drink lots of coffee, because I need it, as I just woke up from a comatose nap on the sofa and I think I have the seam of the arm cushion imprinted on my face. Actually, I wasn't as comatose as all that, because I had coughing fits every now and then and that bothered the dog and he barked at me every time I did (my gastric band was regurgitating the salami I had eaten earlier). So I suppose you could say that I had a fitful comatose nap, because I was completely out of it in between the fits of coughing.

A few hours passed this way and now I have to stay up until 10 pm at least, so I'll be on a normal schedule and sleep through the night, so I can go to creative therapy in the morning. There will be much temptation to stay in bed, I know it now, and I'll have to convince myself to get dressed and go and overcome my own resistance. I'll find excuses not to go and want to give in to the lure of my warm bed and maybe I'll be in a low mood and I'll have to sleep more. All of these things can happen. I even think that I'll stay home and clean house and go grocery shopping instead, which are things that also need to happen, but I can do those things later in the day, except that it seems harder to do them then and I have lost a lot of my motivation by that time. I've run out of milk and do need to get that and I also need to buy porridge and dog bones.

For some strange reason, it hasn't rained all day, although the wind is blowing as hard as ever, reminding us that it's still Autumn and that we're not out of this low pressure system yet. The sky has been overcast all day and the sun didn't shine once. At least all the puddles in the streets have dried up and the street cleaner came by on Friday and swept up all the dead leaves. Do not very quaintly imagine a man with a broom here and a pushcart. It was all done with a truck with big revolving brushes underneath it. We do not have babushkas with twig brooms sweeping in the streets like they do in Russia. There's not that much romance in it, after all, and all the leaves on the sidewalks are removed with those horrible leaf blowers. That is, when it's not raining. When it rains, I imagine the men play cards or have their days off. Isn't it strange how you never wonder about that? What do they do when it rains?

The dog pretended he wanted to eat, but when I filled his bowl, he turned his nose up at it and went to sleep. Well, there's only so much you can do. You can't say I didn't try. It seems I spend the day trying to figure out all his different demands and it is getting worse the older he gets and I think that's because he is getting a little bit confused and doesn't know himself what he wants. He is a little bit addled and the other day he barked at a tree. I think his sight is going as well as his hearing. He bumps into things sometimes in the living room, although most of the time he navigates his way through alright. It's when he gets in tight spots that he makes misjudgments and clonks into things with his head. The other day he was stuck in the corner of the hallway, right beside the door, waiting for me to open it. I had to redirect him to the right place.

I wonder if and when I'll ever turn into a proper housewife again. I seems that I lose control over the household on a regular basis and then somehow in a short amount of time have to pull it together again, but I never get it as clean as it ought to be. It always gets out of hand and I seem not to be able to just keep up with it. I feel enormous amounts of frustration and I'm happy if I just get the most basic jobs done, such as the laundry and the dishes and changing the bed. The bigger jobs are a challenge and I only do them when I have no other choice and I don't do them well. Even my sense of pride isn't big enough to motivate me to get them done right, because I feel defeated halfway through. I used to be such a good housewife and be real house proud. I can certainly not say that about myself now. I must talk to my SPN about getting help in the household on a regular basis. Someone who will come in and do the big jobs once a week, so that I can do the little jobs in between, which there are enough of. I must clean house well this coming week, because J. is coming next weekend and I want the place to look nice and I want the floors mopped, which badly needs to happen. Oh, how I hate linoleum. I wish I had never gotten it. It's the bane of my life and it's hard to clean. I am just having an anxiety attack now, because I have so much to do.

I must look in my closet and decide what I'm going to wear tomorrow. It needs to be something new and interesting, because I've been wearing the same old thing nearly all week. It must match the green scarf I am wearing, otherwise I have to find a different scarf and I like this one a lot because it's very warm. They'll have to be warm clothes, because it's still cold outside and I will want to wear layers, which is fun. You can make amusing ensembles when you wear layers and scarves. One thing I know is that I'm going to wear my denim skirt. So I must find things to match that. I will be fun to dig into my closet and find the possibilities. The stuff is packed in there so tight, that it's easy to overlook something. And then, of course, everything falls of its hangers, which is a major frustration, and the stuff ends up in the bottom of the closet. I do always forget which clothes I have and it is always a revelation to see what I run into. I have dresses that I hardly wear, because I prefer skirts with pockets and boleros that are cute that I can wear over long sleeved shirts, but those may be too cold. Oh well, I'll see. I'll take some time and really make a study of it. It will be something to look forward to. I'll let you know what I end up with. I have some good ideas already.

I've walked the dog for what I hope is the last time today. It's funny how he can be completely out cold one moment and demanding something unknown to me the next. Usually he settles down alright at night after we've had our last walk and he really settles down when I've gone to bed. There's not a peep out of him after that, usually, I must add.

I'll go look in my closet now and see what I can come up with. Something very exciting hopefully. It must be warm, that's one stipulation. I will not be cold these coming days.

Have a good rest of the day or a good evening, actually.

Oh, those of you in England, don't send any more rain this way.

Ciao,
Nora

What is it anyway?

After I had that bowl of porridge this afternoon, I couldn't resist the temptation and laid down on the sofa for just a little while with my book and, of course, I fell asleep for an hour and a half, but it was very pleasant and I don't feel at all like I've ruined it for tonight, because I still feel that I've got plenty of sleep left in me. As a matter of fact, I'm yawning as I write this and tears are running down my face and I'm yawning so hard, that I'm in danger of dislocating my jaw, which I will have to push back in place myself if it does. Everything is crackling and popping every time I yawn. It will have to be part of my self sufficiency, how to relocate my jaw after yawning. Just like changing light bulbs and reconnecting the computer.

The Exfactor always thought that I didn't know how to do those things. He assumed I was helpless. He didn't know I had 22 years experience at being not helpless, at being competent. He was a rescuing knight on a white horse whether you wanted to be rescued or not. He pulled your survival tools right out of your hands and made you unskilled and all thumbs. Some people are that way. They are Super Good Samaritans and don't let other people figure things out for themselves. There are Mother Theresas all over the world in all guises. They are so eager to do good deeds, that they are constantly looking for victims and if they can't find them, they create them.

It feels like it is very late at night already, but is isn't. I've got my pajamas and my bathrobe on. The pharmacy delivered my medication. I just told them to do it and didn't give them a reason why. I very easily could have picked it up myself, but I didn't feel like going out at the end of the afternoon when my prescriptions were being faxed. There's always a lot of traffic then and I do so hate crossing those two intersections at that time of the day.

I've never gotten quite competent at riding my bike again when I came back to the Netherlands. I do a good job, but I always worry about the traffic. I feel very vulnerable after all those years of always driving a car. I feel especially so when my bike is loaded with groceries and I'm glad I live so close to the grocery store, because I worry even over that short distance. I still yell at pedestrians downtown that step of the sidewalk in front of my bike. They are suicidal, but I will have the biggest injuries and when you live alone, you don't want a broken arm. It's hard to go to the toilet on your own with only one arm functioning. I yell, "Watch out, watch out!" I can't ring my bell fast enough. Or at people who walk on the cobblestoned streets, "Will you please go walk on the sidewalk?" Those cobblestoned streets make you rattle and shake as it is. It's hard to keep control over your bike. You just hobble all over the place.

It's all an effort by the city to make the streets downtown look as authentic as possible, but those cobbletones are murder on your bike, or your ankles when you walk on them. Sturdy shoe wear is advised. Ladies with high heels shouldn't go there, you see evidence of them stuck in the cracks. Not the ladies, but the high heels.

I'm having a terrifically tall glass of fruit juice to quench my thirst. Drinking coffee makes you thirsty and this fruit juice is the greatest stuff. It is freshly squeezed and kept in the cooler at the store. I could drink glasses of it, but I do want to make it last and it is high in calories, but it has all kinds of vitamins in it. I drink two glasses of it a day and that gives me a bunch of the vitamins I need. I also drink a lot of milk and as a result my nails grow very quickly and so does my hair. The porridge I eat is high in vitamin B and iron.

Specsavers called this evening and said that the lenses for my glasses were there, so I'm going in tomorrow afternoon to have them put into the frame. It shouldn't take long to do it and I'm seeing my friend Von at the same time. I haven't seen Von in a while and it will be good to hang out with her. No doubt we will sit by our usual café, but hopefully under the awning where there is heating, although it hasn't been that cold outside the last few days and there has been no rain. The leaves are dropping very quickly off the trees, though. It's going very rapidly right now, but some of the trees look spectacular still. Not all of them are equally pretty and only the imported maples are really awesome. Some trees just turn brown and that is it. Some turn yellow and that is much better.

I found the glasses that I had lost. They were in a box in my bedroom that had photos and photo frames in it. I don't know how they got in there and I found them quite by accident, but now that I have them again, I must say that I don't really like them and that I like my old glasses better and that I'm glad that I'm getting the proper lenses put into those. I've tried them out, of course, and I can't wear them behind the computer and do better with them off. It seems the worse my vision gets for far away, the better it gets for close by. I don't know why I thought these new glasses were better for me, because they are not at all attractive. At least, I don't think so. I think I look like a very stern school mistress who should have her hair in a bun and a pencil behind her ear. I look much kinder in my old glasses.

I have creative therapy in the morning and I will be looking at that last painting I made and try to figure out what's missing in it, because something is. It is too stilted as it is now. There's not enough life in it. It needs more abundance, more joie de vivre. I'll either fix it or ruin it. It's a 50/50 chance that I take. That's what skill is all about. Next I need to do a painting that brings me back to the basics. Just the original elements that I started out with, but very well combined. I'm futzing too much now with other little details and I don't want to do that. It distracts me from my main design. That's what I need to get back to.

Why is it that I get oodles of energy the later the night gets? I really enjoy myself late at night, that's when I feel best. I'm complete in my satisfaction and contentment. I will take my medications now and maybe that will slow me down. I need to get sleepy now and not excited about being up.

Alright, I think I have made this post long enough. I don't want the length to be overwhelming. I hope you all have a good night's sleep and I will "see" you all in the morning, fit as a fiddle.

Ciao,
Nora

Sunday...

This morning, a flock of geese flew southbound overhead. They were very noisy, that's what caused me to look out the window to the sky. It's fall. This weekend, from east to west across the country, birdwatchers are counting migrating birds. The sparrow, that used to be abundant everywhere, is disappearing across Western Europe at a rate of 95% in some cities. Nobody knows exactly why. They are replaced by tits. I can't help it.

Jesker wouldn't drink any water today. He had not had any since yesterday. I scoured his bowl and filled it with fresh water and followed him wherever he lied down, but he would not drink any. Finally I filled a bowl with milk and he drank that. Mission accomplished. Now I've got to get a hold of some more milk, because I don't have enough to last until tomorrow, but I know that he will get some fluids in him. He did eat a bowl of food this afternoon.

When I took him out this morning, he was very confused. When I put the leash on him, he walked into my bedroom. When we were in the common hallway and I opened the outside door, he went behind the door. When we walked outside he went in the wrong direction. I only went to the edge of the field with him and back. That wore him out enough. He walked very slowly and carefully as if it was an effort.

I just took him out again and he did a bit better, we made it around the little field at a slow pace and to my surprise we made it all the way home. He always has a bit of a revival in the afternoon, but he's sound asleep again now. I suppose that was quite a bit of exercise for him.

I don't get much of a chance to figure out how I am doing. My main concern is with the dog. My whole focus is on him and he is pretty much what my world revolves around right now. I do some housework and read and sleep and answer my emails and blog and in between everything, I keep an eye on him. I watch what he does, although all he really does is sleep, but he does move around a bit, and every time he does , I pay attention in the hopes that it will mean an improvement.

It's like being in the waiting room of a hospital and waiting to hear how your patient is doing, except that you're not getting any relevant information. I feel completely in the dark as to what is wrong with Jesker, because I think there's something else going on than an infection. He's too sick and not recuperating.

So, I can't think much about anything else. I do remember to take my medicines on time and I'm making sure I sleep at night and catch up on the rest during the day. I feel anxious and on edge, but that is normal considering the circumstances. It's not out of the ordinary. I do feel patient enough to wait it out, but I worry about leaving him on his own tomorrow when I have my creative class. All he will do is sleep, though, and he won't need me to stay home for that. I just have to make sure he's taken care of before I leave.

I think I lived this way my whole life in my first marriage. The focus was always on the kids and my husband and the house and the dog and the cats. I lived in a constant state of more or less anxiety, depending on the circumstances, and I didn't really get around to focusing on me much, although I did make attempts to, ill timed as they were and ill conceived. I always had to include everybody else into the equation, so nothing was ever just about me. Much as I wanted to, I never made my own choices until the end and even then I was limited in what I could do.

Well, water under the bridge, right? I've forgiven myself for that time and got it straight in my head. I used to think I was some kind of degenerated mother and a disloyal wife, but now I know better. I've ceased to judge myself harshly and now see things for what they were. Thank God!

My sister just called and she has extra milk, so I'm going over there to get it. I will just have to leave him alone for a bit. It will be the first time that I do.

Have a good rest of the day. A cold day!

Ciao,
Nora

Autumn...

Yesterday afternoon it was my intention to just vacuum the area rug, because I was not in the mood for the noisy vacuum cleaner, but once I had it out and running, it wasn't all that bad and I decided to vacuum the kitchen and the bedroom too. The noise is always worse in your memory than it is in real life. I also vacuumed the dog's pillow and then applied flea drops to him and got his clean blanket out of the laundry, so we should be flea free now. As long as the cats don't bring home any new ones, which they always do in the summertime. They roam far and wide and pick them up all over the place. That's the good part about wintertime, we'll be rid of those pesky fleas.

I didn't do the dishes, because of the vacuuming, and then I was so hungry that I had to eat and after that I walked the dog and then the news was on. No happy news on the news, with dire predictions that we haven't felt the worst of the economic crisis yet, even though things have stabilized. The real consequences will be felt next year when there will be a shortage of money and massive layoffs. Isn't that a wonderful thing to look forward to? We mustn't get discouraged and keep the money rolling. Well, mine certainly is. It is being pumped back into the economy whether I like it or not.

I slept on the sofa again and woke up in the middle of the night with a very painful arm and hand, so I guess I will be sleeping in my bed again tonight. I did shut off the television with the remote control, which means I put it on stand by and I hate to do that, because it still uses energy that way. When you're pinching pennies like me, all those things add up. The sofa is just long enough for me to sleep on, but it's not wide enough and I have to make myself small or my arm will fall off the side of it. That creates discomfort, so I better go back to my bed.

I got to ergo therapy this morning, only to find out that the ergo therapist was sick, but we were allowed to go to creative therapy instead, which I thought was just splendid. It was with the therapist who I dropped on Tuesdays and she is the one with all the neat ideas on what to do with paper and inks and watercolors, so I picked up a lot of pointers today and I now can't wait to apply them and I desperately want to go out and get supplies, but I have to be patient. I saw the neatest effect on what to do with watercolor paper and colored inks and I can't wait to try it. It makes me think I ought to go back to that class on Tuesdays, but I'm afraid it will be too much again and I must be sensible.

I had been putting the grocery shopping off since Monday and was so very much not looking forward to it. It was the thought of going to the ever busy supermarket and picking out the groceries and standing in line that was putting me off. Also riding home with all the groceries in the bags on my bike and unloading everything. I just was not up to the task. So I called the Exfactor and asked him very bluntly if he would do it for me instead and he happily agreed to, which was a great relief to me.

I made a not so overwhelming shopping list and when he got here, he went straight to the supermarket and was back here within the shortest amount of time, because for the Exfactor everything is a breeze. I don't know how the man does it, but nothing seems to bother him. He does everything with a snap of his fingers. Needless to say, I was very grateful and I won't have to go shopping now until next week. I'm going to try to make everything last as long as possible.

I'm taking a tranquilizer three times a day, I've decided, and it agrees well with me. It is just the right amount to settle me down and make me calm enough. I'm not so much under the influence that I'm a zombie, but it does take the sharpest edges off and that is pleasant, because now I don't have to worry as much. On the whole, my day is much easier with them and I am more relaxed and at ease and not so stressed.

I think always feeling a certain amount of anxiety is second nature to me, so feeling more of it comes very easy to me, but it sure is a tiring thing. It's like you're always prepared for something unpleasant to happen, even when nothing is going to, but you assume it will. I have had many, many years like that since my childhood and it's become permanently engraved in my mind. I don't want to live under that assumption, though, and I try to reason myself out of it, but it is hard to have to do it over and over again repeatedly without end. It's nice to get a break like I do with the tranquilizers, I just shouldn't take such a mega dose of them and I won't now.

I wore my Spring/Fall boots today and my warmer leggings. The weather has turned and it really feels like Autumn out today. There's a chilly wind and clouds in the sky and it looks like rain. I like it, this is my kind of weather, this is my month to really live and breathe and come alive in. The weatherman said that meteorologically speaking, it is Fall now, although on the calender it says it won't be until the 21st. For all things concerning the weather it is Autumn now. I believe it, because you can feel it in the air and tell by the sunlight.

I still haven't done the dishes now. Do you think they will wait for me forever or wash themselves and line up neatly in the dish rack on the kitchen counter.? Oh well, I suppose I will get around to them sooner or later. I will get an attack of cleanliness and they will suddenly get done. Just like everything gets done around here. Things never do turn into the disaster they could be. I always save myself on time.

I've got to read some email and blog posts now and make myself another cup of decaf. If I make it strong enough it doesn't taste like decaf. I can even fool myself.

Have a great evening. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. That leaves you a lot of leeway.

Ciao...

Peace and Serenity

I have made my peace with the Exfactor and told him so in an email I sent him late last night. I would much rather have him as a very good friend, than as an ex-husband I harbor lingering feelings of love for and therefor can not have in my life. I would miss him tremendously as a person I can talk to about whatever plays in my head and the short to the point answers he gives me to help me resolve issues.

I think I found myself in a bit of a quandary because of my reaction to the divorce decree. I had not quite expected to be that emotional about it and take it to heart so. It was a bitter pill I had to swallow, but I have swallowed it now and have tasted the bitter aftermath and now I am ready to move on. As the only adult in the apartment, I do have to keep my wits about me.

As a result of my email, and to show his obvious relief, the Exfactor was here early this morning to bring me the 6 soup bowls that he did not like, but which I have use for. We got all straightened out over several cups of coffee and are on comfortable footing again. It is a great relief to me too. I would miss his cheerful presence in my life.

In the meantime, the cats are slowly learning to like their new cat food, although I catch Nouri eating the best bits out of the Überhund's dog food. Any minute now she is going to start barking and that will get her on the regional TV channel.

There is a cat two streets over who looks exactly like Nouri, with the exact same coloring and the same blue eyes. When I saw her first, I thought it was Nouri who had gone wandering, but it was not. Those people must have gotten their cat from the exact same place where we got Nouri, since Nouri is such an unusual cat. She is half Siamese. We got her at a pet shop in Belgium, which is the worst kind of place to get a pet and which I will never do again, because the animals there come from bad breeding places and are sick when you buy them, but you don't know that until you get them home.

If I ever were to get a cat again, I wouldn't get a kitten, but adopt a fully grown cat from the animal shelter. There are enough of them sitting there needing a good home.

I have to go grocery shopping, which I never got around to doing yesterday and even now I am putting it off. It is going to be busy there, because it is Saturday and lots of working people will be doing their weekly shopping. Leave it to me to wait until today to do mine. Bad timing.

I have been feeling like staying snugly at home and only going out to walk the Überhund and I think that is because Autumn is in the air and I feel like hunkering down and being cozy inside, but the weather has been beautiful these past few days and it feels like an Indian Summer and I should go out as much as possible and enjoy the warmth of the sunshine.

Would anyone care to come over and vacuum? It is such a chore and I so do not feel like doing it. Sometimes I really don't like the sound of the vacuum cleaner. It feels very intrusive and loud and I think I ought not to be making so much noise. I keep putting it off and doing other important things, such as sitting by the dining table and looking out the window while I drink my coffee and smoke my cigarettes and ponder little and big questions. Mostly about not very important things, because I am much too lazy to.

I feel my whole being slowing down for wintertime. Not in unhappiness, but in laziness and I only want to do things that are pleasant and comforting. The only things I still enjoy doing are the dishes and the laundry, because I get such satisfaction out of them and they are relatively soothing activities. Especially hanging up the laundry to dry and seeing that it got really clean. Oh yes, and changing the bed, I like that too. Sleeping under a clean duvet cover, mmm...good.

I must be very connected to the earth and the seasons, because I always seem to react to them very strongly. I hibernate along with nature. I go down when the sun goes down, or just about. When everything disappears under the ground, that's where I want to disappear also. Which Goddess is it who goes to the underworld in the wintertime? Persephone, that's right, and her mother Demeter allows the world to become barren. Well, barren I am then, what do you say? Barren of thought and action? Or is it really not that bad?

It is no wonder that our ancient ancestors revered he evergreen, the tree that stayed green during the winter. When I decorate a Christmas tree during that season, I always do it with that thought in mind and not the Christian idea of the birth of Christ, because the one thing has nothing to do with the other. I also like mistletoe and once lived in a place where it could be found in abundance and I decorated the whole house with it, so lots of kisses for me.

I do enjoy the odd pagan ritual, although I only know a few of them, but could find out more about them if I tried. It's just a shame that paganism is associated with witchcraft nowadays and not with humanism as it should be, because they were the rituals of the ordinary people and not some mysterious hocus pocus that was inaccessible to them. In the North East of the country, in the Saxon areas, you still find some pagan customs that are considered very ordinary today. There's no witchcraft involved, it's the people themselves who keep the traditions going.

You see how I go from one subject to the next and you get some idea of how my mind works, I have a broad base of interests and subjects to think about. There is never a dull moment in my head. Which reminds me of the fact that I really do need to get a library card.

Well, I think I will slowly get the show on the road. I must walk the Überhund and write a shopping list, so as to not fall into temptation when I visit the store. The main things I am going to get are low fat milk and nonfat yogurt with fruit in it.

Right, have yourself a good day on this lovely weekend and please feel free to come over and vacuum.

Ciao...