Imagination...

I have to tell you that it's something I'm awfully short of right now despite the fact that I'm drinking coffee and am trying to perk up my mind. I'm working on my second cup but haven't reached that state of sharp wittedness yet that allows my imagination to run free. It's possible that I have too many cobwebs in my mind and that it's not going to happen today. I'm lacking that inner perkiness that would let it happen more naturally. 

All day long I have been in a minor mood. This despite the fact that today is a national holiday and a lot of people are out celebrating it. Maybe it is because I'm not that I am in a minor mood but there's no need to start analyzing that. I will leave that stone unturned. It's not necessary to do an archeological dig into my mind every time. Suffice it to say that I'm not in a celebratory mood.

Tomorrow normal life will start up again and we can all act like normal people again. The Belgians will have a holiday and populate downtown. But that will not be of concern to me. My life will return to its regular routine and that's all I care about. If I were part of a family unit, I might feel differently but since I am alone, I feel this way. The holidays are always harder to get through when you're not plural. 

I have to be honest with you and tell you that I've started smoking again. It proved to be too difficult to quit. I found it too hard to fill the empty hours without smoking cigarettes. It's how I get through the day and I have no other way to do it. I spend so much time in my own company and I alone am not enough. I could not stand to sit and do nothing. 

It is the only thing that gives me any kind of joy because I have no hobbies. That's the kind of dull person I've become. I'm not interested in anything but sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette contemplating my navel. I can spend a lot of time doing that. I lead a very uninteresting life and I'm aware of that. Smoking cigarettes is what keeps me sane. 

Yesterday I had to make an emergency trip to the convenience shop at the gas station and buy tobacco. It's with an enormous sense of relief that I did. I felt that it was the best solution. How I'm going to handle it financially I don't know yet but I'll find a way. I'll eat less if it comes to that. 

The dog is sitting very patiently by my side and I'm pretty sure he wants to go for his outing. It is that time of the day again. The sun was shining all day but now it's become overcast. The weather is returning back to normal too. It was too good to last. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Irene

...and what else do I have to say?

The good news is that there has not been a mouse in the apartment yet. At least, the cat has neglected to bring one in today to play with much to my relief. She could have done it easily while I was taking a nap, but luckily she was bright enough not to do such a foolish thing. I would not have forgiven her quickly. 

There is no bad news, unless you count the fact that I've only had one cup of coffee and that I'm not going to have another one unless I make another pot of it. I'm undecided if I will do that. I need the caffeine because my brain is not functioning optimally yet. I'm still stuck in the drowsy setting.

I'm wearing a tunic that has been hanging in my closet for a long time, but that I had not worn yet because it was too small. Much to my relief, it fit me today and I'm proudly showing off my svelte body in it. It's tight fitting and made of stretch material and I really feel daring in it. I'm glad I rediscovered it. 

I've made that other pot of coffee and am drinking a cup of it now. I slowly am getting unstuck from the drowsy setting. There's something to be said for a fresh pot of coffee. It does work miracles. 

*

I just walked the dog in the still warm evening air. It smelled like blossoming things and there was lots of pollen in the mild breeze. If I were really allergic to stuff, I would be in much worse shape now. The conclusion is that I'm not and that I only have eczema. That's bad enough, of course, but it's nothing compared to what people go through who have hay fever and asthma. 

I have to look through my closet to see what other clothes are going to fit me and what is too big. I'll have some sorting to do. It is with a certain amount of pleasure that I'll do this. I'm going to do that next, as soon as I'm done writing this. 

Oh yes, I forget that I have to eat some dinner first. That is important. I would forget something like that. No problem, something is easily microwaved. Isn't that the best invention ever? It's perfect when you live on your own and you need to make only one portion. 

Have a good evening and enjoy the weather. 

Ciao,

Nora

Coffee and cigarettes...

I'm accidentally awake. I went to bed at 8 pm yesterday evening, because I was so tired of the lack of sleep from the night before, and woke up at what I thought was 4 am. Good, I thought, I have slept 8 hours. I got up and let Tyke out back and made coffee and then sat at the dining table and made cigarettes. 

When I was very leisurely sitting there, having my cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette, I noticed what the true time was. It was 1:40 am. Man, and I was wide awake. I had been up for 20 minutes already. I was too awake to go back to bed. I was wide awake as a matter of fact. I had been ready to start the day. My mind and body had been fooled into thinking it was morning and there had been no doubt about it at all. 

There were no last vestiges of sleep left in me and now I just have to wait to get tired again. It will hopefully happen sometime towards the morning and luckily I have no appointments today, so I can sleep late if I want to.

I have already emailed with my daughter and ordered a book she recommended by Frances Falk called 'On My Own' and it is about successfully being a single woman. It's available at Amazon. Being a single woman, and probably staying one for the rest of my life, I can use a book like that. I do want to be successful at it in any case. There are enough books on how to have successful relationships, but to have one with yourself as a single woman? I think a lot can be written about it and it will all be helpful. 

It would be unfair to say that we, as single women, try to desperately carve out a place for ourselves in today's society as if there is no room for us. We must create that room and assume it is there and take advantage of the opportunities. It is only our own lack of assertiveness that stops us. If we're brave enough, there is nothing that can stop us. 

We no longer live in Victorian times when single women were old maids who were superfluous and lived at the mercy of the goodwill of their families and society. Nor do we live in the 1950's when we were all supposed to wear aprons and run house and turn out 2.4 children and bake cookies and live happily ever after and were failures if we didn't. What happened to single women then? Did they hang out in nightclubs and pick up married men?

We're full fledged members of society now and there's no getting around us. We are a group of people to be taken into account and the corporate world and the political world will have to pay attention to us and make an appeal to us. We can make our opinions count and I hope that will happen in the best feminist way possible. 

Enough of the soapbox.

I'm sitting here drinking ice cold milk now, which is cooling down my whole body. That's the drawback of that, but it does taste good and it is mighty thirst quenching. I had 3 cups of coffee and thought that was about enough of that. I don't want to get that wired, since I do make my coffee awfully strong. When you grind your beans for a coffee drip system, you have to grind them very fine, otherwise the water will run through too quickly and the coffee will turn out too weak. Lesson number one. 

I do feel better than I did yesterday, when I was either flying higher than a kite or was floored due to plain exhaustion. In both situations I tried to make sense and I hope I succeeded. Neither state of mind is exactly optimal, but I don't think I go too far off the mark either way. Fools and drunks always state the truth, as do children. Count me amongst them.

My SPN noticed that I had lost weight and it is indeed true, I have lost a few kilos. No doubt that is due to all those sardines I eat for dinner. They are good for you and the little bit of oil they are packed in makes you regular. I also like to eat teaspoons of peanut butter, but it doesn't take much to fill me up. For a treat I eat chocolate paste once a week. Mmm... I should really eat Nutella and I'll put that on the shopping list next. It's better for you with all those hazelnuts in it. 

I have a food intolerance for grains and cheese and have cut them out of my diet. I do much better without them. I have for some time now and can't believe the difference. It's a lot of relief. They were such a part of my diet that it took me all this time to figure it out. They made me gain weight too. 

It's early morning now and I made it through another night. I will take my medicines now and get into some other kind of trouble, no doubt. I'm not tired and will not go to bed yet. Tyke's done a poop by the back door that I have to clean up and Gandhi has just barfed. Isn't it a wonderful life? Animals are such a pleasure. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

A brand new day.

I'm just finishing my first cup of coffee and trying to properly wake up. I'm convincing myself that I am awake enough to write this post, that I have to in order to get my mind functioning well. I am sure there is some truth to that. I was so befuddled when I woke up, that I thought I would never think straight again. Instead of thinking that this was a mood, though, I realized that it was a temporary condition that would wear off as I woke up more and got my mind together, and that all the things I was worrying about would disappear as soon as I was released from my temporary state of mind. I have to have faith in myself and sometimes I am mighty short of that.

So, I'm not going to take anything too seriously right now and just let things be and not pay too much attention to them. I'll have another look at them in an hour or so when I have settled down more. In the meantime I can have another cup of coffee and enjoy the quietness of the morning, because Tyke is asleep by my feet and the cats are otherwise occupied.

Several times during the night Tyke climbed on top of me and licked my face and settled down to sleep there. He is quite heavy when you have him lying on your chest, but I didn't want to move him, because I found it very endearing. I just had to remember to breathe, but I did go back to sleep each time. In between those episodes, there were cats lying on top of me, but they were much lighter, I hardly noticed them. I am glad that I am so popular with the animals, at least as an object to lie down on. They probably love me too, but have an awkward way of showing it sometimes.

I tried to sleep in my bed last night, but for Tyke it was just an opportunity to explore the bedroom and get into all the things I had not thought of moving up higher on the bookcases. Every time I got up and moved the next thing, he found something else that was equally interesting. I finally gave up and moved to the sofa. Today I will have to move things in the bedroom and make it full proof so that there's nothing left for him to get into. He's surprisingly innovative, though, and can get to things that I think are impossible to get to. Well, I never did say that I wanted a dull dog, did I?

He's supposed to be eating his breakfast now, but is continually distracted by the world around him and, because I'm not sitting there with him, it's going to take him forever to finish what's in his bowl. I don't feel like sitting there with him until he's done. I think he needs to be able to eat on his own. Right now what motivates him is the chance that a cat may try to eat from his bowl, especially Toby. He minds it less if Gandhi does it, but it still will get him to eat... Well, I just gave in and sat with him and got him to eat some more, but I put the rest back in the bag, because he was not interested. He does have to know that there's a limited time he can eat in. He ate about half of it. Maybe that was enough.

Today is his birthday. He is one year old. Too bad he wouldn't know why he got a cupcake with a candle on it. To him it's just a day like any other day and I can't sing 'Happy Birthday' to him, because he won't have a clue.

All this talk about Tyke would have you think that he's somebody important in my life. I guess you would be right, because things do revolve around him right now. He's such a little ball of life and busyness that it's hard to ignore him.

The Exfactor is supposed to come by today and that will be very nice, as I'm out of supplies and I need someone to do groceries for me. My sister is working this week and is leaving for Italy for a week on Saturday, so I'm on my own. This is one of the reasons why I'm so nervous. I have some administrative work to take care of also and I'm not looking forward to it. It has to do with taxes and who ever liked taking care of that? It gives me a stomachache just thinking about it. I find it very difficult to take care of these things and can't bear the responsibility. I find it hard enough to take care of the day to day living. I really need someone beside me to take care of these things. Sometimes it's very difficult to be single.

Well, I suppose I'm wide awake now, so there's no more dawdling to be done. I must get the show on the road. I will look at my paperwork first.

Have a good stress free day. May all the Gods be kind to you.

Ciao,
Nora

Well, shoot!

I'm not doing very well and I'm trying to find solutions to the problems I am facing. Now that my sister is back from Italy finally, I can do my grocery shopping with her again, so I don't have to face the horror of having to go to the store on my own. I'm going to see my SPN tomorrow on foot, because I think I will feel less vulnerable than when I go there by bike. I still have to walk the dog and sometimes that is difficult, but the poor animal has to go out, so I have to grit my teeth and bear it. I'm not getting the housework done, but spend a lot of my time sleeping and reading. At least I'm finishing some of my books that are so neatly lined up on the bookcase.

It's been hard to sit down and write a post, because I felt full of doom and gloom and didn't want to write about it, but today I got such a nice Christmas card from my daughter, that it cheered me up tremendously and I got a little bit of energy. As a result I downloaded the software to make a 2010 photo diary for myself and I had a good time picking out all the right photos. When I was done, I sent it off to the company that will print it and I should have it in about a week. I should have thought of this sooner, because I knew about it, but it had slipped my mind until just recently.

So many things keep slipping my mind, or briefly come to the foreground to only slip back into the dark recesses of my mind again. I have obligations that I can't keep, or think I can't keep, and I''m trying to figure out a way to deal with them. I feel that I can't let people down, and yet at the same time I don't know how to keep my promises. I must find a way to do this.

It's hard to be the victim of the foibles of your mind. When your mind dictates how you stand in life and how you feel and how you function or dysfunction. It's like your own mind is your enemy that you have to fight against, but it like fighting against a shadow and you can't land any real punches. Sometimes you pop up for air and you get a little bit of courage, but it's always pulling you down by your legs again, back under the surface where you can't see and breathe properly. It's such a tiring fight and it never seems to end, though it becomes awfully familiar and you say to yourself, "Oh yes, I know this, I have been here many times before." It's exhausting and I really don't want this anymore.

Yet something keeps me going. It must be the promise of better days, whenever they will come. It is unpredictable and I have no more of a clue than you do. It's the little glimmer of hope that sometimes shines through, even if it's smaller then a match struck in the darkest of nights. I find comfort in minuscule things. Sleeping, reading, eating, petting the dog. It can't be anything greater than that, because that would be too difficult. A greater action on my part would require too much effort.

Well, let's see how I get myself out of this pothole. I've got to manage one way or the other. If I can keep things somewhat under control I will be halfway there. I would like someone to come and take care of me so I could recuperate in my own time and not worry about anything for a while. That's the hard part about living alone. There's no one there to pick up the slack. I can't just take a week off. I'm finding it very difficult to live alone right now.

I have to go read blogs now. I'm a little behind in that. I do want to catch up. I hope I have the energy for it, because it's really getting to be bedtime, but it's something I want to do.

Have a nice evening.

Ciao,
Nora

Oh, goodness...

I slept late this morning. I couldn't figure out how to not have the alarm clock go off at 7 am, so it did, but I shut it off and went back to sleep until I was good and ready to get up. Then I didn't do much with my time, but sit behind the computer and answer my emails and when I was done with that, I walked the dog who was getting pretty frustrated. I tried to do some work in the afternoon, but I was struck be the desire to sleep and spent almost all afternoon on the sofa in a deep coma from which I could not wake myself. The phone rang at one point and I tried to get up, but it was to no avail and I had to go lie down again and finish sleeping. Even now I don't know if I'm really done with it.

I don't know why I have to sleep so much, except that I could be to let all the emotional impressions of the day before settle into my brain. It seems to exhaust me to do anything different than just my ordinary sedentary life. Whenever I do anything out of the ordinary, I need to sleep a lot. If I do not sleep, I get neurotic and anxious and start losing my mind a little bit. I just can't function then. Sleeping soothes me, it is like having a lullaby sung to you and having your cradle rocked. I'm in the everlasting arms of peace and serenity. When I wake up, and I have slept enough, I have an whole new outlook on life. Like I've taken a medicine that's cured me. I can't emphasize the importance of sleep enough. For anybody.

Now I'm drinking some orange juice. My brain needed some sugar to help wake it up. The English do that with a cup of tea. The Dutch drink tea also, but it seems fashionable to drink tea without sugar in it, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of having a cup of tea, I think, and you should have a digestive to dunk with it.

I don't like the orange juice as much as I like the fruit juice, but they were all out of that by the time I got to the store on Saturday. I told you I should do my shopping at 8 am, but I'm not always in shape to do it then. Frankly, most mornings I'm too lazy to get going that quickly. I have to get up early tomorrow morning for an appointment downtown at 9 am at the SPC and I'm not looking forward to it. It is way too early to be on my bike and expose myself to the rush hour traffic. I'm looking at it with a certain amount of despair. Like, "Do I really have to do this?"

My SPN is coming for a home visit tomorrow at 4 pm, which means I have to have the place looking good. I'm also looking at that with a certain amount of despair. I will pull it off as well as I can, but that is about it. I suppose that these are two things I am not very happy about and if I could get out of them I would. I think you could say that I am mildly depressed about them and that courage is quickly deserting me as I write this. I think I am not in the least bit brave and not at all stubborn enough to fulfill some tasks. I get too intimidated by some things and am lost in the face of them. That's when I don't like to be alone and would like to have someone help me and I would like to live under a little bit easier circumstances. I would just like for some things to not be so complicated.

I have proved to myself that I can live alone and take care of myself in a fashion, but I guess that sometimes I would like for someone to be here to share the load with me. I do get tired of being brave all by myself all the time and I'm not managing the household well. I do need help with that.

Well, before I get bogged down in all sorts of mind breaking problem solving, I better stop writing this and start watching the news. That will be something to get my mind off things.

Have a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

I sang the blues.

I had the blues all weekend and basically did nothing much but take naps on the sofa. I had the computer turned off for long periods of time and fell asleep on the sofa continually watching sports, either football or speed skating. Every once in a while there was a program on that caught my attention and for which I managed to stay awake, but mostly I slept and when I say I had the blues, I mean I really didn't feel like doing anything at all. I even thought about giving up blogging. My own mind was trying to trick me into thinking that nothing I did had any value at all and that I might as well quit doing anything and just play dead.

I never write that I'm having the blues while I'm having them, because it would mean that I'm giving into them and I don't want to do that, so yesterday I was incapable of writing a post. I would have written one lament after the other and it would have been a very depressing piece of writing. Yesterday, I decided, was a lost day and I don't mourn for it one bit. Apparently I needed a large time out of doing absolutely nothing and I wasted almost every minute of it. I did a few useful things such as walk the dog and put out the trash, but that is about it.

I am very busy while I sleep at night. I have the most interesting dreams in which I work out all sorts of issues from my past having to do with all sorts of people that belong there.They are not bad dreams, but like whole movies that take place in my head and very intricate and I'm sorry when I wake up and the dream stops. I try to go back to sleep and land in the dream where I left off. I'm constantly redeemed in my dreams and very happy and I'm always setting things right and making pleasant discoveries and all the symbolism is clear to me. I feel very lucky when I dream like this and it makes going to sleep a pleasure.

Now, however, it is Monday morning and time to get into the regular rhythm of life again. I have creative therapy this morning and an appointment with my psychiatrist and my SPN this afternoon. For creative therapy, I think I will get the painting that I'm working on on Wednesdays and work on it today, otherwise I will not get it done on time. I will start a smaller project on Wednesdays and work on the painting on Mondays and Fridays. All the classes stop on December the 1st or thereabouts. It's a shame, but that's the way it is. There's nothing anyone can do to change it. Upper management decides these things. It's a terrible thing when management, instead of health carers, decides the course of things for patients.

My dog is so sweet, the way he is lying at my feet, so innocent in his sleep. It makes your heart melt just to look at him. I can get so sentimental about him. Thank goodness that I allow myself to get sentimental about something. I so very rarely do nowadays. That's why, when you live alone, you need an animal in your life. It's really good for those stray feelings of love and affection and it's good to be responsible for something beside yourself.

Lately I've been listening to music again. I've been using the Real Player on which I have stored all of my own music. It's handy, because I just play whatever music I'm in the mood for and I have all kinds. I also have music that I loaned from the library, so I have extra choice. I have good speakers to go with the computer so it really is a pleasure to listen to it. I must say, that when it comes to material things, I came through the divorce well, because I got to keep almost everything and what I didn't, I don't miss. In the meantime, The Exfactor has managed to replace all the items he left behind and then some. I would have really missed the computer if I hadn't been able to keep it and the Exfactor has a laptop and a PC now.

I was very lucky in that we had just refurbished the living room and everything was new or repainted and when I imagine that while we were doing this the Exfactor was having an affair, I have to laugh, because that explains the reason why he was so co-operative. If I hadn't been so naive I would have figured it out sooner. Oh well, water under the bridge now. In the end I did and that's the most important thing. I did get a nice living room and that is important to me. I mustn't think about it being left undone and having to fix it up all by myself. Horrors!

I remember when the Exfactor officially left and I walked through the apartment and touched everything and said to myself, "This is mine now, all mine." It was especially important to get my own name on the mailbox and I'll never forget the day that it was. Those were very special moments. It was my emancipation and for the first time in my life I was really free. I do have the Exfactor and his affair to thank for that. He did me no small favor. For as badly shaken up as I was at first, I sure took it well when it came down to divorcing him. That was one of the best things I ever did. The liberation of me. And I got to keep the dog too!

Well, it's time to get the day started. I have to feed the dog and walk him and do numerous other things. At least the blues are gone now.

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

A new look...

Yes, you will think you have arrived on someone else's page, but you really are in the right place. I was tired of my old look and wanted something radically different and chose this, because I liked the font and the plainness of the page. Right now I like having no picture and just the title and the simple dots. Sometimes I want change, because I get tired of what I always look at and I need something new to invigorate me. Blogger doesn't have many templates to choose from and this is the best one I could come up with. I think it will do nicely.

I have been up most of the night. I woke up very early and had no sleep left in me. There was no sense in staying in bed, because all I would do is lay there and think about stuff that would bother me, such as my past sins and other evils. No, I'm joking, but only partly so. I don't know what would happen if I laid awake in bed at night, because I never do. I avoid that at all costs. In the past I used to think about very sad things, but I haven't given myself the opportunity to do that in a long time, because I get up the minute I wake up and I don't go back to bed until I'm literally keeling over from sleep.

Past sins are the thoughts that come and haunt you in the middle of the night when your defenses are down and when you are at your most helpless and not able to fight a good fight and resist the harshness of your most cruel memories. And everything you think is tainted by the deepest color black and honed to the sharpest cut to make the deepest wounds. It's an onslaught of negative memories that make you cower under the covers and want to hide your whole being in shame.

The worst thing you can do is lay there like a helpless victim and let it wash all over you. My tactic is to get up and escape the darkness and the thoughts and to find the light and some distraction for my mind. Now I've gotten to the point where the negative thoughts don't even have a chance to enter my head, but I open my eyes and am beside my bed and the next second I am in the living room with the lights on and then in the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee and to light a cigarette. Immediately my thoughts turn to the upcoming day and the things I will do in it and how exciting those will be, no matter how small and simple, and I don't spend a moment pondering over my past and the "evil" deeds I've committed in it.

You can either forgive yourself or put your deeds in the context of the time and place and circumstances in which they happened and learn to live with them and I think I have done the latter. It was not so much a question of forgiveness as of understanding. The understanding it takes to only take your share of the responsibility and not a portion more than that. To leave the rest for the other people involved, whether they accept it or not. You can't make people accept their responsibility, you can only take on that bit of it that is your own and learn to live with that.

It can be infuriating to see how people avoid taking the blame in a drama in which they played a major role and in which they had many of the most important scenes, even after you left and they continued to star in their version of the story. In the end, you can only feel pity for them, because as you grow and gain understanding and insight and wisdom, they stagnate and flounder in their repetitive motions and scripts and scenarios, bound to make the same mistakes over and over again. Not that you are suddenly faultless, but at least you try to improve and discover somebody else than who you were when it wasn't working.

Life seems to be a long journey leading up to graduate school. I am now studying for my master's degree in living well. Which is the best revenge, isn't it? Living well is the best revenge.

Now, I'm not claiming that I'm living the optimal life, far from it. I have a way to go yet. There are many things I'm not doing yet, adventures I'm not having, chances I'm not taking, places I'm not visiting. journeys I'm not making. But it will all come in its own sweet time. I'm playing it safe right now. Exploring minimal ground, just base camp and its immediate surroundings. I'm not going anywhere where I can't retreat quickly inside the walls of my apartment. Even more so now that I'm single and this place is so dear to me.

I should add, for all clarity, that what I talked about here is not my second marriage, but my life in the States that lasted 22 years and that was a very important time during which I had two children, a house, 2 cars, a dog, a cat, many friends, a husband, and a heartache. I have divorced that husband, remarried, left the States, lost my son, and gotten divorced again. Now I am single like I ought to be. Finally, I'm on my own. A single, solitary human being. Autonomous and independent and not yet lonely.

Ciao,
Nora

Phenomenal

After having written such a phenomenal post yesterday morning, I can now only write a humble little post, because time limits me and, of course, we have that thing called inspiration and I haven't looked yet to see if I have any. I was busy on Facebook and becoming a bit frustrated with things there that did not go the way I wanted them to. Aren't there always bugs in the system that you want to iron out and for which you know there should be an easy solution? Hmmm, ironed out bugs, now that would be a treat! Nice and crispy or steamed?

It figures that on the day that I have to go somewhere, I don't sleep late and wake up two hours before the alarm clock is supposed to go off. I'm not complaining about that, au contraire, it is kind of convenient, because it allows me some time to sit here and get my daily dose of caffeine in before the real work starts. Writing a post is a good way to start the day also, because it helps me set the tone of the day and helps me decide how feisty I will be.

Last week I had forgotten to put out the trash, so last night I put out two trash bags, plus the green container which is always filled with coffee pads, there is hardly ever any vegetable matter in it or any garden waste. The trash bags are large and I walk around the apartment and look for junk that can go to fill up the bag completely. That way I get a cleaner apartment and a fuller trash bag. Slowly but surely I want to get rid of all obsolete items in all the drawers and bookcases so that there is a minimum amount of junk I have to live with. It's my goal in life to be junk free by next year. Hurray!

You forget that when you live by yourself, you are in charge of that, you alone decide what you keep and what is purely junk that is laying around doing nothing but gathering dust and taking up space. It is a very liberating thought once it hits you. I have to keep reminding myself that I am entitled to do this. That I am the mistress over all that is here.

I have never been my own mistress. I have always been somebody's child or girlfriend or wife. I have been somebody's wife for a very long time. Twice. I liked none of those roles as much as I like being my own mistress, but I never would have believed it if you had said it to me a year ago. I would have shuddered at the thought.

So, anyway, I have a dresser with 7 drawers and it has been cleaned out now several times and things have been taken out and thrown away, but still there are items in there that are taking up space and that are completely useless, so I know that I will have another look through all the drawers and toss away more things.

I try not to be sentimental about things and hold on to them for emotional reasons, I dislike that very much. but I do keep some items for their remembrance factor. However, there only need to be a few things of the person I want to remember, or of an era I want to remember. I don't need loads of memorabilia. If I can fit it into one small box, then that's okay with me.

Look at me, of on a tangent, all because of the notion of trash. That's because for the last 37 years, I have lived with people who were hoarders and who never threw anything away. Everything was sacred, even the tiniest little incomprehensible part of whatever it had originally belonged to. If, on top of that, you spend a lot of that time being depressed, the volume of it becomes incomprehensible to you too and you can't see the forest for the trees. You take it as a given that you are surrounded by all these objects and you think it somehow has value and that it is necessary to the survival of the household.

Well, you can imagine that I am now going to live the stripped down version of that. I'd like to be like a turtle and carry my house on my back.

I also see on the clock that I need to get going, because I have creative therapy this morning.

So I wish you all a very good day.

Ciao...

Oh really?

I can't quite believe it, but I slept past 10:30 AM. I looked at my watch and couldn't make sense of it and got up and walked into the living room and looked at the clock there and then was amazed at what time it was. I don't think I've slept that long in the memory of men as far as I know. At least not since I have been a grown up. And the Überhund slept right along with me. We're both getting a day older, as the saying goes.

Well, good for me, that's all I can say. I am getting good at this sleeping business and am becoming like a regular person now, with regular sleeping habits, although this sleeping late is creating havoc with my schedule, because I do want to sit and have my mugs of coffee and my cigarettes and hang out behind the computer for a while before I really get started. Ah, never mind, I will just do everything several hours later.

It's going to be a rainy day today, which is too bad, considering it is Saturday, but I'll find a way to amuse myself anyway. I always do, somehow. The day is usually too short anyway to do all the things I want to do and I have to be careful that I don't do any activities late in the evening.

Sometimes I go to Facebook before I go to bed and then I get stuck there for a while. I do amuse myself there nowadays, since I have become more selective about what I react to and who I pick to befriend. I usually go for the artist type people and admire their work and get inspired by them. Not making the claim that I am equally good, of course, but I do so love to be surprised by what people make and how they use their materials and how they are inspired. Just what they come up with.

The Überhund has had his breakfast, but so far he is letting me sit here for a while longer. He had eaten all the cat food during the night and the poor cats were begging for food this morning. There was not a crumb left. Sometimes he does that, I call it 'protest eating.' It's when he really wants more food, but is too stubborn to ask for it. He helps himself to whatever is around. It is kind of convenient, isn't it? Luckily, he is not clever enough to open the refrigerator.

Speaking of refrigerators, I bought creamy chocolate milk, which means it is made with whole milk instead of low fat. It sure tastes good. I had a glass of it last night when I went to bed. It satisfies my sweet tooth and gives me something to look forward to. I mean, if there is nobody in your bed waiting for you, you do have to make it appealing for yourself, don't you? I'd rather have chocolate milk anyway. It's less complicated.

Okay, that was my little contribution for this morning. It's not much, but it will have to do. I must get things going here now, because I'm seriously behind schedule now. It's not funny anymore. The poor dog would cross his legs if he could.

Have a good day, all of you.

Ciao...

Middle of the night.

You could also call it very early in the morning, whatever. The fact of the matter is that I wake up at 3 AM and that there is no stopping me from getting out of bed and getting the day started. I must admit, though, that I like these wee hours of the very early morning and that I spend some of my happiest moments then. I like the coziness and the solitude and the silence of the world around me. I can pretend that I'm the only person awake for miles around.

The best part of living alone, is that I don't upset another person with my schedule. I can be awake or asleep whenever I want. It used to bother the Exfactor something awful when he heard me type in the middle of the night, because he was a light sleeper and my nighttime activities always woke him up. Now I can do whatever I want and I am glad about it. This is one of the very things that would prevent me from starting another serious relationship. It would be the loss of freedom to do whatever I want at whatever time of day.

I don't miss having a man in my life. Sometimes I am a little bit lonely, but not necessarily for a partner. That loneliness can be filled by anything and anybody. They're just lonely moments and not moments that I long for a partner. It's just more of a longing for human contact and it's up to me to fix that problem, but most of the time I am perfectly okay on my own. I find a lot of comfort in my own company. The realization that I can be who I am without having to adapt myself to someone else is a blessing.

Well, I went out on my bike first thing yesterday morning to find some Christmas cards and I did at one store, but I think I got their last box and now it seems that I need to go out and buy another one. I need not despair, however, because there are several more stores where I can have a look.

I have decided that I like sending and receiving Christmas cards very much, so here is a gentle hint. If you want to receive a Christmas card from me, email me your snail mail address and I'll add you to my list. You can email me through my profile. Please feel free to do so, because sending cards is just about the most fun activity that I can think of for Christmas. I really enjoy it and it is almost as good as receiving them.

I have put up the twinkly branches and it looks very nice indeed. It gives me the festive feeling just a little bit. I need to cut off a branch from the Golden Rain and decorate it. I'll see if I can do that today with the aid of my stepladder.

I did finally sweep the patio, which was covered with rotten leaves and I layered all of those in the flowerbed. I figured those would make good compost. I cut back the winter blooming jasmine a bit, because it is such a rambling plant and wants to grow all over the place. I will have to do it again in the springtime.

I am not very interested in gardening in this period of my life, as opposed to a time in my life when I was crazy about it and it was my greatest hobby. It is not something I get excited about now. The patio is just a place where I hang my washing to dry when the weather is good and that is about it. The cats hang out there and the Überhund piddles there in the morning. I do like the Golden Rain when it blooms, it is a beautiful sight.

I bought the muesli with the apple and raisins, but I can only eat a small amount of it before I am full and I chew it very well. So, that means that I eat a little more often during the day, but in smaller amounts. I think in the end that's better anyway. I have also been drinking more fruit juice instead of coffee. I think I drink three tall glasses of that every day. It's most refreshing when you are thirsty and I am always very thirsty because of the medications that I take. They give me a very dry mouth. That's one of the drawbacks you learn to live with.

I have gotten used to wearing my glasses constantly. Now, when I take them off for some reason, my right eye does not like that at all and goes funny on me. It's like it can't focus. That must be because of the astigmatism., but that is all guess work.

I never did get around to vacuuming the furniture yesterday. I got sidetracked every time I planned to do so. I may do it today, even though it is Sunday and my official day off.

I had some ups and downs yesterday and the only way I knew of how to fix the downs was to go to sleep for a little while, because that always seems to get me out of the slump. If I nap for just a little while, I feel better when I wake up, as if my brain has reprogrammed itself and the negative energy has switched to positive. There is such a difference in my attitude between the two poles, you'd think I was a different person emotionally speaking.

I try never to blog when I am negative, because it is all doom and gloom when I do and the last thing I want is a post that is based on my negative depressed feelings. Sometimes I start one, but I always have enough sense to delete it. At least, I am speaking of the here and now and not of the past.

When I feel myself sliding down the slippery slope, I always try to remind myself of all the reasons I have to feel happy, but it doesn't always work. I concentrate very hard on all the positive things and try very hard to stay in the present moment, but regardless of that, sometimes the gloom wins for a while and that is just the way it is.

Well, those are all the words I have for you this morning. I must say that I am enjoying my mug of coffee very well and I am about to make a new one. One decaf coming up!

Ciao...

Monday Morning.

I need not have worried about not getting up on time, even though the Exfactor did come by and bring me the spare alarm clock yesterday. For a change, the Überhund woke me up, because his water dish was all empty and he also decided that he needed something to eat. So I remedied that and he just ate a whole bowl full of senior chunks with broth. I very seldom see him eat as happily as when he eats that. The cats' dishes were also completely empty and they were waiting for food and drink, so it was a good thing that I was up.

I did get enough sleep, because I went to bed a 9 o'clock last night, not wanting to sit there and draw out a long, lonely evening. That is the first time that being alone also felt like being lonely and I didn't want that to be an experience that I felt for too long, so I went to bed with a glass of yogurt and my good book and was asleep quickly. I suddenly missed having a partner and felt lonely for someone to talk to and cuddle with. I am sure that I will have more of these moments and I have to guard against wallowing in them and go to sleep when I feel like that. I know that in the morning I will be over it.

And so I am, I have courage again and see things from a better perspective. The fact that I am going to creative therapy also helps a lot. I am looking forward to that. It will be good to see everyone and it will be equally good to work on my current collage, which is one with upside down pictures that I am in the process of revealing, very patiently, with a small damp sponge. I have another one finished that is laying on top of my closet and when I am done with this one, I am going to buy frames for them and hang them up in my bedroom above my bed. The Exfactor has promised to drill the holes for the screws to hang them on.

I think the fact that I missed my therapy classes for the most part last week was not good either. I miss the routine and the contact with the people and the good work that I do there, because, especially in ergo therapy, I am always wiser when I leave there. Every moment can be a learning moment if you allow it. Everybody has the potential to be a teacher.

You can see how bad it is to be completely forsaken of any close human contact. It's something we need as human beings, to be in touch with one another, even if it is only verbally. I must make sure that I don't close myself off for that. It is so important to stay open to the input that other people can bring to your mind and it can be in the most simple ways. Very ordinary conversations can be sufficiently satisfactory to nurture your soul for another while. I have a tendency to withdraw within myself and I have to watch that and not be shy about stepping outside myself and being present in word and deed. I have to take advantage of all the opportunities at interaction that present themselves.

Yesterday evening, I discovered the iTunes store. It looks at the songs you have in your iTunes player and suggests songs that you may like to add to that. Beware customer! Before you know it, you have added 20 Euros worth of songs to your player. It makes you all greedy, because 99 cents does not look like a lot of money. That's how much each song costs. It adds a whole new dilemma to you life, because now, every time you play any music, you see next to it a list of recommended songs that you have to ignore. You have to ignore them, you just have to! Before you know it, you will have spent an enormous amount of money and all because you were so curious. Curiosity killed the cat. That would be me, in this case. The advantage is that you get some very good music with the least amount of hassles. Music that you didn't even know the existence of.

Well, leave it to me to always find some way to spend some money on line. I am one of those suckers of which there is one born every minute. This must be very appealing to young people and I can imagine many of them going into debt before they are 21 years of age. Everything is so easy and painless. You just click the mouse a few times and there you have it. It certainly was different when I was growing up. I bought one LP a month with my hard earned money and I thought that was a really big deal.

Well, it's that time of the morning again. I must get the show started. An animal is making eyes at me. I think he wants to go out.

Have a great day.

Ciao...