Blogging.

Because of my newly acquired change of attitude, there is a difference in how I approach this blog. I am not sure anymore what I want to write about while that has never been a problem in the past. In the past I wrote down the minutest details of my life whether they mattered or not and now it seems like a silly exercise. 

I don't know what I want to share with you instead although I have already given it a lot of thought. It doesn't seem important anymore to write down all sorts of things that I ponder on and that happen in my life and this blog's use as a kind of confessional has certainly ended. It's also not the life line it used to be. 

I've got to find a different use for it and I can only do that by trying out different subjects and making myself comfortable writing about them.

My daily life hasn't changed a lot, so I am not suddenly going to entertain you with stories of all new adventures. My attitude and inner life have changed, that's where the difference lies. 

It's good for a body to do with less medication. In a less drugged state, a whole new world opens up to you and you get to be in touch with your emotions which turn out not to be such scary things after all.

More than enough...

I am going through some changes now that I am on a much lower dose of anti-psychotics. I feel much more alert and aware of my emotions and no longer sedated. After having felt so for a long time, this state of mind is a whole new experience and it takes some getting used to. I don't think it is unpleasant, but these changes are something I constantly observe in myself and am surprised by. 

I find that my attitude about a lot of things is changing and while it is, I don't want to make up my mind about anything because I don't know what the final outcome will be. I've completely lost interest in some things that I liked. Some things that I was convinced of about myself I am now less sure of. I am in transition and time will tell with what sort of state of mind I will end up.

My psychiatrist had always felt that I was on too high a dose of the anti-psychotics and wanted me to lower it some time in the future, although I don't think he had counted on me ending up on a dose quite this low. The high dose was a legacy from my old psychiatrist.

I will keep you all up to date as the changes continue and I am more sure of myself.

Ciao,

Irene

No profoundness...

Today I will mention the fact that I'm waiting for the coffeemaker to get done brewing my two cups of coffee which I am sorely in need of. It is at the end of the afternoon and I am having just a little bit of a dip so I need the caffeine to climb out of it again. There's no question of taking a nap now. It is too late in the day for that. 

My bed doesn't look all that appealing anyway because those sheets have been on there for at least five days and I really want clean ones. I'm waiting for my favorite duvet cover to get dry and then I'll change the bed. The apartment is clean and I want my bed to be also. But first I've got to have those cups of coffee. 

I will not be very profound today and tell you all sorts of wise things about myself and my life. I'll take a day off and resume that again tomorrow. I don't feel like being very profound right now. I just want to be an ordinary, every day sort of person who doesn't impress anyone with her wisdom.

It has been a most excellent day and I've spent it pleasantly in the company of the Exfactor and the domestic help like I do every Friday. I think Friday is one of my most favorite days and that is also because it is the day before the weekend. 

Friday gives me the opportunity to straighten out my life without having to go far afield to look for the answers. I've usually got them close at hand and then I've got the weekend to put them to the test. I can try out any theory I have and see if it fits before I have to apply it during the week. 

I can tell the caffeine is working because I'm suddenly better capable of reasoning. I'm climbing out of my dip and becoming a human being again. I'll be sitting on top of the world in a moment. 

I guess some days you're more thoughtful about your life than other days. More pensive, I suppose. Not so outwardly shouting and loud about it. I am considering my attitude, although my outlook hasn't changed. I'm as comfortable with myself as I was yesterday and very sure of myself too. 

A cloak of restrictions and general anxiety has fallen off my shoulders and I have been set free. I am closer to how I used to be which is good. I hoped to be this way again. I'm not afraid of this person. She's a good human being and I trust her.

Ciao,
Irene

Continued change...

The last couple of weeks I have come to some conclusions about  things in my life that were important to me and that determined how I felt about the past and about where I am now. It resulted in me having a lot of peace of mind and I think that is one of the reasons that I reached a milestone that is allowing me to have all this change happening in my attitude right now. 

I find that my outlook and attitude  have altered quite a bit and that I'm looking with a whole new set of eyes at a lot of things. This is quite refreshing and causes many pleasant surprises because even I don't know how I will react to any given situation. What I do and say are new to me too, but so far I am happy with the outcomes. I haven't embarrassed myself yet and I do stand behind my words and actions.

It's always pleasant to reach a new stage of growth, especially because I've been waiting patiently for it to happen and had almost given up hope for it to actually take place. I think I had come to accept things the way they were and just at that time change happened. It seems when you accept your situation it does. You must be mentally ready for it then. The timing couldn't have been better anyway. 

I feel as if my eyes are bigger and see better and as if I observe more. I hear other people's words better and the understanding of them is more clear too. I have woken up and am no longer lulled into a false sense of security. This means that all things are more clear to me, the past as well as the future, and I can no longer just ignorantly live in the moment and hide there. I do have to plan some sort of a life. 

Taking ownership of and responsibility for my life have been big things that I've done lately. They were some of the last deeds that I had to do. I come to them late but have been aware of them for a long time. I never fully understood the meaning of them and how to apply them to my life. I'm fully aware of what it means to do that now and it feels very liberating. I stand taller because of it.

Ciao,
Irene

A bright and shiny moment...

It is with some amount of pleasure that I sit here at the end of the afternoon and enjoy the sunlight that is shining into the living room windows. It does make everything look bright and cheerful and it does wonders for the state of my mind. For a while I will thoroughly enjoy this time behind the computer and not worry about a single thing. Not that I really have that much to worry about anyway. My mind is pretty much empty of things that I could get overly stressed about. 

Besides, now is not the time of day to worry about anything. I do that best the first thing in the morning before I've had my cup of coffee and before my medicines have started to work. But because I know that the lack of these things causes me to feel stress, I don't pay it too much mind and simply wait for them to take effect. I try to ignore what goes on in my head for the first hour after I get up. I know I will be my usual normal self n the shortest amount of time. 

We've had some rain and cloudy weather and although I didn't mind it too much, I was glad when the sun came out again. It did actually affect my mood a little bit when the sky was so gloomy.  I pretend that it doesn't get to me, but really it does. I notice that when the sun starts shining again and my whole attitude changes. I'm a lot more cheerful because of it. We're supposed to have more rain tomorrow, but I guess I shouldn't complain about it too much because Mother Nature does need it. Some rain on a regular basis can only do it good. 

I saw my relaxation therapist today and learned a new exercise. I know so many different ones now that I could keep busy all day long doing them. They do seem to work because the pain I had walked around with in one shoulder is gone now and it had been a very stubborn pain that I thought I was going to need painkillers for.  Today's exercise really worked well on my belly and stomach and I literally felt the knots there untie.

I've got to go because the dog is waiting for me to take him for a walk. It's that time of the day again. At least the sun is shining and the temperature is nice. It will be great to be out there. 

Ciao,
Irene

The proper mood...

I've been sitting here for a while trying to get in the right mood to write a post. I was feeling very grumpy and could not think of a nice thing to write. I knew I would have to change my attitude because I didn't want this to tunr into one great lament. I had to do a bit of self analysis and drink a glass of ice cold milk. I think I've got the attitude problem sorted out and the milk has made me feel a lot better too.

Just as easily as I can get very optimistic, I can also get into a total funk. It is usually short lived but intense. There is usually a reason for it because it's about something that's bothering me a lot and something that I really need to rant about. Since I don't have that possibility, I have to work it out on my own. I have a mini storm rage inside of me but at a certain point it boils down to a mild simmer and then I don't feel so bad anymore. 

After wrestling with this particular issue, I'm left feeling very tired and I really want to go back to bed and sleep. I will postpone that a little while and finish this post.I don't have an appointment until 1:30 pm and I have enough time to sleep. This appoinment is to practice relaxation and breathing techniques and it's something completely new for me.

Well, that's not true. I do know relaxation techniques and do apply them but not on a regular enough basis. I do know how to get back in the moment very well but there are crucial times when I forget. It has to become second nature. 

I will be a perfect human being yet.

I need to go back to bed. I'm so tired. 

Have a good night you all.

Ciao,
Irene

Getting my two cents worth in...

I feel a great sense of liberation and I don't know eaxactly why that is. I've had the feeling since yesterday evening when I had a sense of lightness fall over me and suddenly everything became very uncomplicated. It's just a shift of mood inside myself and doesn't have much to do with reality because nothing has shifted there. There's not suddenly been a change in my circumstances and nothing has been altered. It's my own attitude that's changed. 

I do welcome this and will not complain about it. I'd be a fool to. I very much enjoy this lighthearted, uncomplicated feeling. My heart really does feel light and fluttery. As if there are butterflies caught in it. And there is freedom in my mind. I'm not bogged down by negative thoughts and dark notions. The sun may not be shining outside, but it's bright inside my head, even now in the darkness of the night. I must have done something especially right and the planets must be ligned up correctly.. I can't explain it any other way. 

It may have something to do with the size 10 skinny jeans that I ordered and that arrived yesterday and that fit me perfectly. My other skinny jeans had gotten too big on me and were sliding down my hips and were too big around my butt. I took the chance and assumed that size 10 would be the size that would fit me next and I was right. They fit like a glove and I'm much pleased. 

On top of that, my sister had a cardigan that she bought that was just a bit too big on her, but that fit me well and that matches my jeans really well also, so I've got a totally new outfit. I like nothing better than new clothes, especially unexpected ones, so I was a happy camper. The cardigan is dark blue which is a color I don't often buy, but which matches me well and makes my blue eyes look bluer. What more could I want?

I redid my nails after three of them had gotten chipped again and I figured they were so vulnerable because I applied two layers. So when I reapplied the nail polish, I only put on one layer and assume it will stay on better. It will be easier to fix anyway if they do get chipped. It doesn't nearly take as much work to apply and dries quickly. 

I also think my nails are getting stronger and that may be because of the calcium tablets I've been taking every day. It would be wonderful if they worked and kept my nials from splitting. I do have to get a decent nail file as that is something I don't have in my possession. That shows you my shortcomings in the femininity department. I never before saw the sense of one because I always cut my nails short. Now, of course, I want longer nails to show off the polish.

Silver hairs are starting to show up all over my head and sparkle at me when I stand in the bathroom in front of the mirror. They twinkle at me like bright little stars. I don't mind one bit because it makes my blond hair look lighter. I'm not vain enough to want to cover them up with hair color. Maybe if I were a brunette I would care more. I'm sure it's more of a shock to your system then. I do apply make up to my very light eyebrows and eyelashes. That gives my face just a little more expression. 

Lest you think I'm totally self centered, I have to tell you that I possibly am. I think the world does revolve around me. At least on this blog I do. It's not like that in real life, of course. I do play second fiddle on most occasions. I'm not anybody of real importance and really don't count in the larger scheme of things. That's why it's so nice to be the center of attention here. I can't tell you all the times when I'm not. 

Today is going to be a very relaxed day. Outside it's going to storm and be a wet and cold day. I'm not planning on going anywhere except to walk the dog. I'll be inside most of the day where it will be warm. 

And now I'm going back to bed to finish sleeping, hopefully until late in the morning. 

Have a nice day you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Behold, the truth...

The plug in my kitchen sink wasn't working. When I filled up the sink to do the dishes, it slowly drained until there was hardly any sudsy water left when I was not quite done. This was very frustrating, but I had gotten used to it as I got used to all sorts of frustrating elements in my life. Rather than fix them, I found a way to live with them. 

That's totally the wrong attitude, of course, and probably says a lot about me, but lately, because I've been feeling better able to deal with things, I've been tackling these frustrating elements. 

Determined to find a better way to do the dishes, I got a square, white, plastic basin that just fits in the kitchen sink and do the dishes in it. The sudsy water doesn't run away and it stays hotter. 

The basin is a bit smaller than the sink and holds less dishes all at once, but I've decided that it's going to determine how many dishes I can save up before I do them. If there are enough dishes to fill the basin, I have to wash them and I can't crowd the basin. 

That worked well enough yesterday and the dishes were done in no time and dried and put away too. Suddenly it was not such an overwhelming job. I had a clean kitchen counter in the shortest amount of time. 

It's apparent that when I have the mental energy, I do have the capacity for problem solving.

***

I met my new therapist this yesterday afternoon in the company of my old therapist. I tried too hard to make a good impression, but didn't realize that until afterwards. I was upset about it for a few hours. 

I acted like I was the best and most desirous patient she could have ever wanted. Like I was so agreeable and reasonable and intelligent that it was her lucky day that she got me as her patient. I hope she saw right through me. 

I'm going to have two more meetings with my old therapist and then I'll have two trial meetings with the new one and we'll see if we get along well enough. She was chosen by my old therapist and my psychiatrist because she's on the same team as they are.

I rode my bike over there, of course, and there was less wind so I was not in danger of being blown sideways into the traffic. There still was a very cloudy sky and it looked like it was going to rain, but fortunately it didn't, although in the north of the country it did. 

Since I'm not married to the Exfactor anymore, I get less anxious in traffic when I ride my bike and I now very routinely negotiate it. I don't even give it much thought while I do.

I used to worry about the traffic a lot and every outing on my bike was a nerve wrecking journey. I don't know what the connection is to it not being so any longer and my divorce, but I realize that I don't sit on my bike and swear under my breath anymore. 

Maybe it has something to do with being independent and singular and learning to trust myself. Our bike rides together were always wrought with anxiety. Doing things alone is so much better for me. 

I've got to go to bed and try to get some sleep. It's fun being up, but I do have to be sensible. It's the adult in me who's telling me that.

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Conclusions...

Okay, so I saw my psychiatrist on Friday and he didn't tell me to quit whining and get on with my life, but he may just as well have because that's how I interpreted what he did say to me. That's the message I came away with. He also said that the tranquilizers didn't discriminate between emotions and didn't just eliminate the unpleasant ones, but also the pleasant ones.

I left the office with a lot on my mind and the first thing I did was stop taking the tranquilizers during the day because I did want to feel whatever pleasant feelings I had. I don't miss them one bit and am not going through any kind of withdrawal. I still take them at night with my sleeping pill to help me sleep, though I'd like to quit them altogether. 

I spent the rest of my free time thinking about things a lot and I realized that I don't spend enough time living in the moment. I'm constantly anxiously thinking ahead of time and worrying about all the things I'm supposed to take care of and dreading them. I don't live in the 'here and now.'

I'm now making an effort to do that and to constantly call myself back to the present moment and to not worry about the things that are supposed to happen. I could keel over from a heart attack and all I will have done is worry about  what I was supposed to have done and not enjoyed the moment I was living in.

I also realized that the person who had been in charge of my life lately was my 'frightened child' and that all my actions and reactions and emotions were coming from this entity. You can't let a frightened child be in charge of your life. All will come to naught and the whole thing will turn into a disaster. 

What I had to do was let my 'sensible adult' be in charge of my life and let that person make the decisions and react to the different circumstances. I do have a very well developed sensible adult in me, but I had acted like I didn't and had regressed to the frightened child and let her run the show in the hope that someone would come along and rescue it.

I realize now that I don't need to get rescued and that my sensible adult is quite capable of taking care of things so now, all day long, I'm posing this question to myself: who's in charge here? Once I find out who is, I make sure that the sensible adult takes the lead. 

Sometimes I have a happy child who's more in the foreground. I do give that person some space and let her enjoy herself while at the same time satisfying my adult curiosity. There's room for both, but there's no room for a frightened child, although it does need to be soothed every once in a while. It does get scared, but is not allowed to be in charge. 

So Friday and Saturday were big learning moments and I made huge steps in the right direction. Once you understand the mechanism, you can make the changes necessary. It's also important to know what triggered the frightened child to come to the surface. I'm starting to learn to lay the link now, but let's just say that she came to the surface an awful lot. I was almost constantly frightened. 

Learning to live in the 'now' is a real challenge and one that I constantly have to remind myself to do, although at times I'm so relaxed and caught up in something enjoyable that it happens automatically. But it's something I'm going to need to work at. It won't happen overnight. I have to learn to mindfully hang up the laundry, for example. And to mindfully sit in my armchair. 

When I do this, I realize how many aches and pains I have in my body that I'm not normally aware of. I also get a headache that's like a migraine and one sided like the ones I used to get when I was a kid.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist again on Monday, but I will be seeing him with a whole different attitude. He will not see a tearful victim of circumstances who is wishing for a 'happy pill.' He will see someone who's taken charge of her life. Timing is everything in life and he said the right thing at the right time and I don't even remember exactly what it was. It's what I came away with that counts.

That's enough of a long ramble and explanation. I will stop now and save the rest for another time. I'm sure I will do more philosophizing. 

I hope you're all having a great night and a good weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora

No zombies here...

I had planned to take an afternoon nap, but when I laid in bed willing myself to go to sleep, I realized that I was not really all that tired and that falling asleep was not on the program. I was much too alert for a good slumber, so I got up and made myself a pot of coffee. At least it would straighten out my brain and help me write a blog post.

The coffee tastes very good and is doing wonders for my thinking capacities. Whatever cobwebs may have been hiding in the nooks and crannies of my mind are pretty much gone now, yet I feel mellow enough to sit here with all the peacefulness that I long for. I've got the best of two worlds and I'm going to enjoy this moment extra much and for as long as I can.

The domestic help has been here and cleaned the apartment and for a change I was not burdened by her presence. That has to do with my own attitude and nothing she did differently. I'm just more relaxed now and not so on edge and impatient. I don't feel like my space is being invaded and can share it easier with someone else. 

That's all due to the tranquilizers that allow the best in me to come out. It's a great relief. I'm not a dull person because of them. On the contrary, I undertake much more. I'm more animated and more industrious, but very calm and contend. 

I have to get used to me being this way. I still have a tendency to get worried that I'll get stressed in a situation, but then I remember that I won't be and relax again. It's a very pleasant way to exist.

I've got to watch the news now. It's already started. I must stay well informed. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

The weekday blues...

Much to my dismay, it is Monday morning again and it seems that the weekend flew by in no time at all. I sure as heck don't know what happened to it. It seemed it was Friday evening only just a very short time ago. I think the weekends are too short to enjoy properly and they ought to be three days long instead of two. 

As of now, I'm making Friday a weekend day also. I'll just have to ignore the fact that the domestic help will be here that day cleaning my apartment. If I just overlook that minor inconvenience, I should have no problem treating Fridays as a day off. It will be for the sake of my peace of mind that I do it. 

It would be better for my state of mind if I treated every day like a day off, but I don't think you can get away with that in real life. Responsibilities do have a way of piling up. Maybe if I approached them differently it would make a difference, but I have not yet found a way to do that. 

I would want to approach them lightheartedly with hardly any care. Really, that's all they need. I don't have to put so much serious effort into them. They are never matters of life or death, yet I act as if they are. I act like the load is heavier to bear than it really is. I need to lighten up. 

I need to have a weekend attitude during the week. In the weekends I do chores too, but somehow they seem to weigh less, as if they are not so very crucial and they are done easier. But then I've always liked the weekends better. Even when I still had my kids and they were home from school.

Weather wise it's actually going to be a nice day today with partial cloudy skies and enough sunshine. The temperature is going to be pleasant and I won't have to dress so warm. I can open the windows again after a cold night.

It will be the usual emotionally exhausting day with both my personal helper and the domestic help being here one after the other. I never look forward to that and I have to mentally prepare myself for it. I have to shore up my defenses to deal with it. I always look forward to the moment when everybody is gone again. 

I always feel like I survived that time and that the time spent alone after it is my reward for it. So, all I have to do is hang in there long enough and be patient and wait it out. Soon enough I will be by myself again, although it doesn't seem soon enough to me. Maybe I need to make a change in my arrangements. It may be time to rethink some things. 

I've got to go back to bed for a while and get some more sleep before the first person gets here. I do need a few hours more sleep. It's just becoming dawn. I could stay up now and start the day, but there's no sense in being up so early. I'd like to postpone the inevitable just a while longer.

It's time to take my medicines and have a glass of milk. The dog's been out back and he's sound asleep in the armchair. We should be all set for a few more hours. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

Harrowing tales of nothingness...

I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with one of the best cups of coffee that I ever made and am enjoying it very much. Sometimes I get lucky and the coffee turns out great. I don't know why that is. I seem to do everything the same as I always do, but the result is different and better somehow. 

I always blame it on Juan who picks the best beans in Columbia and that I happened to get a good batch of them, but this is ground coffee from an opened pack and I'm sure there is no difference in the quality from yesterday's coffee. 

I'll blame it on my own good mood then and my taste buds, which are on this occasion finely tuned and able to appreciate the experience especially well. My senses must be very alert.

I expect two of my senses to be better developed some time soon and those are my sense of taste and smell. I'm planning on quitting smoking soon and I expect that over time those two senses will improve quite a bit, although I don't expect any miracles overnight. I remember from the last time I tried to quit that the improvement didn't happen all of the sudden. 

I'm looking forward to quitting smoking and can't wait for the day to arrive that I will. I'm visualizing myself as a nonsmoker in my head so much, that I'm ready to be one. Because I've tried to quit before, I know what the pitfalls are and what I'm up against. I hope that will make this attempt more successful. 

Despite my misgivings about yesterday and it being my least favorite day of the week, it actually was a fine day. My mood was good and the day went by quickly and without a hitch. All the things I worried about ahead of time, turned out to have been unnecessary. The stress that I felt on Sunday had disappeared by the next day, so I was left unworried. 

I don't know why I felt so uptight on Sunday and why I was so worried about the next day being Monday and a difficult day. I anticipated too much trouble when there turned out not to be any. Maybe Sunday itself was a difficult day without me consciously realizing it and it had bothered me more than I was aware of. 

I'm a victim of my own fickle mood system which doesn't always work faultlessly. There are day to day nuances in it that I'm not always aware of and that make a difference in how I experience my life at a given moment. The nuances can be big enough to really make a difference that's bothersome and completely alter my attitude. I'm not a finely tuned machine, much as I'd like to be. 

My psychiatrist said that I could use an extra tranquilizer during the day if I felt the need for it, but I feel that my stress level has come way down now. It may not at all be necessary.  The problem with the tranquilizers is that they are downers and that they can make you feel sad. I'll avoid them if possible. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday during which he wants to see how I am doing on the increased medication. 

In the meantime, I've switched from coffee to cold milk and I'm appreciating that very much also. I managed to make the milk last for a whole week by being a little more frugal with it. This morning the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries and I have enough milk left to drink and to use for coffee when he gets here. 

He's got to buy rawhide bones for the dog because he's going through them like they are candy canes. He chews them up in the shortest amount of time and goes through whole packages of them. There's nothing that makes him happier than a rawhide bone. 

I hope you'll all have a good day or a good night, whichever comes first.

Ciao,

Nora

If and only if...

I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee, desperately trying to get into a good mood. I know I can do it because I'm stubborn enough for it. I will not be held back by a grumpy mood, especially not when I'm the one who most suffers from it. There's no one here to share the effects of it with me, much as I'd like a comforting arm around my shoulders. Or someone to help me analyze the cause of my mood. I have to do that all on my own and it does get tiresome. 

I took a nap this afternoon and I woke up in a good enough mood. I felt kindhearted when I just got up and I turned on the computer without giving it much thought. I made a pot of coffee and answered some emails. Within the shortest amount of time I was as grumpy as I can be and I didn't feel like being kind anymore at all. I've noticed that sitting behind the computer very often has that effect on me, yet I do it automatically anyway. You'd think I'd know enough to stay away from it. 

I think that maybe sitting behind the computer isn't nearly the complete therapeutic activity that we think it is. As a matter of fact, maybe it is highly frustrating to be constantly confronted with it and your social contacts. It makes you feel like you always have to be good and kind and on your best behavior when in fact you sometimes just aren't and don't want to be. It's as though you really don't have any private time behind your own computer, as though there's always social pressure there too. 

When you add the social pressure of sitting behind the computer to the social pressure you feel in real life, it gets to be too much. There's no escape anymore. There's no safe place to go to. 

That's my immediate analysis. It's the one that is the most obvious. I'm curious the find out who else feels stress behind the computer. Maybe we should allow people more of an opportunity to be grumpy in private and not always expect them to be kind and polite. 

Have a nice day, or not. It's up to you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Outside it's raining...

I have to keep in mind that I'm an optimist otherwise I'd forget about it. I'm in search of my good mood because I just woke up from a nap. At this moment everything seems sort of dreary and dark, but that is doubtlessly also because of the gray and damp weather. The cobwebs that are still in my head from sleeping are adding their own shadows to my present outlook. 

I have made a cup of coffee and I'm counting on the caffeine getting me over this somber state of mind soon. It doesn't do at all to sit around feeling burdened by pessimism. That's not how I normally go through life and I think it doesn't suit me at all. I'm not a doomsday thinker and I do always assume that every cloud has lots of silver linings. 

I always very much look forward to my nap in the afternoon, but I have to tell you that it's a struggle to come back to life when I wake up from it again. The first few seconds I think I'm okay, but when it comes to functioning it's a whole different story. Suddenly everything seems unsurmountable and I think I can't make it through the rest of the day. 

Luckily, I know this is a temporary condition and I'm only momentarily fooled by it. I know I have to take action. I have to mentally point myself into a whole different direction and completely overhaul my attitude. And make myself some coffee.

That's just what I've done and I'm already starting to feel better. I've even had something to eat. I mustn't neglect my stomach and feed it on time. I can easily ignore hunger pangs and only feel them in my subconscious where they hardly register. I have to be really hungry before I realize it. Eating is not a big item on my agenda. It's something I have to do to survive, but because of my gastric band, it's not something I do with a lot of pleasure. 

It keeps raining and I still have to take Tyke out. I will have to choose an opportune moment when it's not coming down too hard. Tyke is sitting in front of the window looking longingly outside. He wants to be out there very much. I don't think he realizes how wet it is. I will have to let him out back first. 

Gandhi was out there for a little while, but came back in quickly. She's a typical cat and dislikes getting wet. She has yet to enter the bathroom when I'm taking a shower, unlike Tyke who sticks his head around the curtain and licks up the soapy water.

Have a good evening, all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Potholes and speed bumps...

It's raining cats and dogs outside and I for one am happy about that, because as long as it's raining, it means it's not cold enough to be snowing and I can stand by the open back door and wait for Tyke to do his business without catching a cold. I do like to keep an eye on him at night, as much as that is possible in the darkness, because I want to grab him as soon as he starts to bark for whatever reason, though he usually doesn't, thank goodness. It's like he knows that he has to be silent when he is out there. He does me a great favor, because I don't want my grumpy neighbor upstairs to have anything to gripe about. 

Tyke's now sound asleep beside me with a full stomach, because he convinced me that he absolutely needed something to eat and pestered me until I filled his bowl, which he then emptied with much appetite. A dog with a full stomach is a happy dog, is my experience, and when Tyke is hungry he is a bother. He can only think of food and doesn't rest until he gets it. 

I'm supposed to be asleep, of course, but as is usual on the weekends, I'm allowing myself a late Saturday night when I'll go to bed whenever I feel like it. It is my one indulgence and I do so enjoy it, because I'm always in an excellent mood when I stay up. I feel like nothing much can go wrong and that the world is my oyster and that I'm the pearl lying in the middle of it. Everybody deserves their fantasy and I'm no different than anybody else. I do feel that a night well spent is worth the hours the next day that I have to sleep late, especially since it's on a Sunday, which is the one useless day of the week. A day of rest. 

The reduction of my medicines is going well and I'm not yet noticing any adverse reactions. I've cut back my anti-psychotics by another 2 mg and I don't notice anything unpleasant. I told myself from the start that it wasn't necessary to expect a bad reaction to reducing them. I could equally well expect a pleasant reaction, who was to say? I didn't want to walk around with a negative attitude and negative expectations. 

As of Friday I also reduced my anti-depressives and I've not fallen into a deep dark hole. It would be too early for that anyway, but I'm not noticing any adverse reactions from that either. I'm not going through withdrawal. I'm doing all of this under the guidance of my psychiatrist and would not dare do it on my own. That would be like playing with fire. I've gotten wise enough not to do anything like that. I do have to put my trust in a professional who knows about these things.

I've had my coffee and am about done with it. It tasted good while it lasted, but now I'm ready for something else. I think I'll have some lemonade. That will take care of my sweet tooth. I do always get cravings for sweet foods during the night and think of all kinds of delicious things to eat, but since I don't have them in the apartment, I'm in no danger of eating them and gaining weight. That's the best defense against that.  In my fantasy I'm always eating chocolate bonbons and vanilla ice cream, but I get over that during the day and have hardly any such desires then. I wouldn't go out and buy them anyway, except when I'm in the tobacco shop and buy a chocolate bar. That's another one of my indulgences, but I do have very few of them.

The lemonade is making me feel cold and I've just turned up the thermostat. A body does need a little bit of warmth. Now I've just got to wait for the apartment to heat up a bit. It will be pleasant in here in no time. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day. I guess my rain dance worked. 

Ciao,

Nora

Trying for inspiration in the early morning!

I've had my first cup of coffee and the cobwebs of sleep are removed from my mind. I will have my second cup next, after I first take my medicines, because I almost forgot about them. So, I quickly took them and poured my second cup of coffee and now I'm ready to try and write something interesting and inspiring. 

I think my last post was especially dull, but it was written when I was exceptionally tired and not really in the right frame of mind to write a post. I went to bed immediately afterwards and was sound asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. As a matter of fact, I was dozing off while I was still sitting behind the computer, so that shows you what a silly woman I can be. You shouldn't blog when you are half asleep and pretending you're not. Nothing good will come of it. I am such a stubborn woman sometimes, that I think I can't end the day unless I've written a post. The fact that I may not have anything to say doesn't enter into the equation.

So now is the morning of a busy day, but it is still early and I don't feel rushed yet. I will get excited in about two hours when time will start to press. I must shower and wash my hair again, because it is flattened against my head on one side and I look like I've been slapped upside the head and I'm completely crooked. I must make an appointment with my hairdresser and get my hair cut on the sides and in the back. Not on the top, it is the perfect length there. I'm moving away from punky hair and going for a little bit more sedate look, but one I can still make look unruly and mess around with if I want. 

At least I know which clothes I'm wearing today and because It's going to be a cool day, I'll be wearing my cowboy boots. I've not worn them in a long time and it will be fun to put them on again and step around like a tough broad. Not that I especially feel like one. I haven't got that attitude about me at all. I feel more like a kindly earth mother who is all goodness and graciousness and wouldn't harm a fly. The tranquilizers make me much too mellow to be a broad with an attitude and kick ass boots. Come to think of it, maybe I should wear different boots, so nobody gets the wrong impression. Do you think it will matter or will the benign look on my face speak words? 

I've stopped drinking coffee and am drinking cold orange juice now. It's a special brand that's supposed to be very good and I must say that it tastes better than what I usually get. I could easily drink three or four glasses of it. I got it from my sister who had too much of it and an overloaded refrigerator. I'm buying this brand from now on, because I like it a lot better. See how easily I can be persuaded to switch brands? Just put something better in front of me, that's all it takes. I don't care about the price. It's the taste that matters. I had been drinking my juice rather reluctantly and hardly at all lately. It languished in the refrigerator and only when I almost ran out of milk did I drink it. I thought I just didn't like juice very much.

Well, I must get going. It's that time of the morning. I'm not looking forward to the shower, because it is cold in here and the windows are still open. Still, I must be brave and do it. Then I have to go and walk Tyke before it starts to rain. 

Have a good morning!

Ciao,
Nora

 

Clueless in the Netherlands...

Just when I assert that I sleep so well during the night and that I don't feel the need to get up and sit behind the computer in the middle of the night, I do and I have no clue as to why that happens. I do know that when I woke up, I was wide awake and had no sleepy bone left in my body. I had no wish to go back to bed once I had let Tyke out back for a piddle. I simply had no desire to sleep anymore.

It's kind of a shame, because I was just starting to develop a good sleeping habit that seemed to agree with me well. I was up all day without a nap and asleep soundly at night until a decent enough time in the morning. It was all of very short duration, but it showed promise of a regular life.

At least there's one thing I can count on and that is that my day and night rhythm never stays the same for a large period of time, but is always in fluctuation. I suppose that is the nature of the beast and I will have to be flexible and adapt. There's no need to get in an uproar about it, but just go along with the program as much as I can and sleep when my body and mind dictate it. If I fight it and get upset about it I will just turn it into a problem which it doesn't have to be.

I probably didn't have enough things to do yesterday for the amount of energy I had. I did try to fill up my time with useful things, but ran out of chores to do and the interest to do them. I even went around the apartment and looked for clothing and other items to make up a load of laundry that I could do and when I had that together, also stripped my bed so I would have another load to do.

In the morning I went to the drugstore and bought a very good shampoo for light blond hair and some hairspray and dog treats and two candy bars. I also stopped by the tobacco shop for the pack of tobacco that I had already paid for and that they still owed me. Those were my outings for the day, besides walking the dog. I tried to think of other reasons to go out, but they all cost money and I didn't want to waste it.

One of the first things I did was wash my hair with the new shampoo and it gave my hair a nice sheen. It brightened it up a lot and I'm glad I got it. There's no need to color your hair when you have a shampoo like that that enlivens it. Of course, your hair has to be the right color to start with, otherwise it doesn't work.

Tyke was happy with his treats. He figured I had brought something home for him and practically dove into the shopping bag when I carried it in. He was so excited, but then I usually do have something for him when I came home with a bag of shopping. He's not the least bit spoiled and even Gandhi thinks there's always something for her there. I had to disappoint her, though, and gave her fresh kibbles and milk instead.

I opened up my mail and was pleased to see that I have an appointment for an intake for the creative classes on Wednesday, so that was arranged rather quickly. I thought I would have had to wait longer than that. There's movement in the right direction. All I have to do is keep my resolve and not chicken out.

I puttered around the apartment doing odd jobs. They all added up to something. Tyke had destroyed the book I was reading and little pieces of it were lying all over the bedroom floor. What is that I said about him no longer being a puppy? It was a fun job cleaning it up and I will be unable to finish the book as portions of it are missing.

I try not to be devastated about this and picked out another thriller to read last night. Kathy Reichs' Devil Bones. It's going to be a good book, that much I know already. The main character of the book is a forensic anthropologist and that very much interests me. She's also a 55 year old woman. That's even better. A role model for me.

I applied my open and approachable policy yesterday when I was at the store. I tried to remember not to have any walls up when I talked to people and was friendly to the cashier. I smiled and made small talk. It doesn't come easy, but I try it anyway.What you get in return is friendliness. I have to practice this a lot until it becomes second nature. I have to walk around in public with a different attitude. I was the same way at the tobacco shop, but it was easier because I come there a lot. Still, there's room for improvement.

I realized I have a defensive attitude when I go out there. I shut myself up and I'm not as friendly as I can be. I create a distance between myself and other people. I'm not engaged. I have to stop that and become involved and acknowledge their presence better in their interactions with me. I'm not a gray shadow who can just come in under the radar without making a ripple. I am a presence too and I have to let myself be known and show my true colors.

Well, I have my work cut out from me. In the meantime I practice living in gray areas with little highs and lows. I have no wish to bounce from one extreme to the other and don't let any sort of high or low set the tone for the rest of the day. Everything is temporary and for the moment to which it applies. A mood in the morning doesn't determine the rest of the day. I'm not held hostage by it and none of the moods need to get out of hand.

I'm going to do the dishes in a moment and clean up the kitchen. I think I will then go back to bed for a while and sleep some more. First I will have some breakfast and watch the news on TV. I will tell you about the horrible government we are going to have the next time.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Do as I say, not as I do.

I woke up early and couldn't sleep anymore. I felt I had to write another post to offset the one I had written last night that was so bitter and gloomy. Things always look different in the morning, right? So here I am with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes to make a new start and to toss some optimism your way. Today we are seeing the glass half full and not half empty like we did last night.

First we put on some nice music to get in the proper mood, which needs to be mellow,and it is quickly found here. Then we sit up straight in our chair and with our back straight and our feet crossed at the ankles and a perky look on our face we proceed.

You see how I talk about myself as the royal "we," as if things have gone to my head and I have formed an attitude. Maybe people should speak about themselves in that way every so often to give a little boost to their self esteem. It's nice to think of yourself as a multitude instead of just one single person with one little voice that gets outshouted in the masses. I will definitely go through life as a "we" in the apartment today, if not in the outside world. It may be harder to pull off there, although I can secretly think it. Alas, lines at the post office will not suddenly shorten because I stand in it.

When you are a "we," you speak with authority and with a certain disdain for what other lesser mortals think. You feel yourself lifted above the masses and look down with pity and disregard on the rest of manhood. Suddenly you are not one of "them" anymore. You may not even be mortal any longer, but who is going to try and test that theory?

So I (as in "we") have decided that I am more than worthy of any love anyone choses to bestow on me and that I should never doubt the sincerity of it. It is ridiculous to think that I would deserve anything less, being of elevated stature and nature and understanding of the meaning of the word in all its nuances. I know the limits of human ability to apply it and I know also the human ability to rise to the occasion and reach greater heights in it if that is called for.

Therefor I will wait patiently, which I can afford as a royal "we," and wait and see whatever the day choses to bring me to judge my decisions on. I will be as wise as Solomon. I will be patient and mindful and merciful in my judgments and not shout hastily for the death penalty for love. I will weigh each decision on a golden balance. I will be fair.

So, now then, I am taking "us" back to bed to sleep some more and to feel quite cozy under the duvet. I'm sure to be up and about and alert when I need to be.

Ciao,
Nora

Slightly funky!

I'm feeling slightly funky, as if I'm a diva wearing a new costume and I need to go out on the town and show myself to as many admiring people as I can and have them trip all over themselves as they try to get as close to me as possible, while they bask in the glory that is me, the queen of the night. Oh hallelujah, wouldn't it be great? The other option is that I sit here and bask in my own limelight that is the desk lamp and enjoy my own good company and keep the secret of my greatness to myself and don't divulge a word of it to the world at large, but only to you, dear readers, who will keep the secret with me and not call the paparazzi for whatever amount of money.

A woman of a certain age needs her dreams and wants to pretend she's like Bette Midler and quite glamorous from the top of her head down to her very toes. Or she could even be as ageless as Cher and be in a permanent state of undress and still not look naked. Either way, right now I need to think that I'm a diva and that I'm sitting here in my diva clothes with my cigarette in a fashionable holder, drinking a very dry martini from a delicately cut glass and I'm about to have the night of my life. What I actually do, once my soap bell has been busted, is irrelevant, because I can make this moment last forever. I'll pretend I'm between engagements now.

Instead of having that dry martini, I'm having a cup of coffee and it tastes mighty fine too. That must be because I'm drinking it from a mug that came all the way from Italy. It gives it something extra. A Mediterranean flavor. I could be drinking it from a mug all the way from Japan, but it is in the dirty dishes and divas don't do dishes. At least not at this time of the day. This is when they have their fantasies. I'd like to pretend, by the way, that I'm wearing fish net stockings and long black high heeled boots, or do you think that's too vulgar?

This morning, after I braved the cold in my regular clothes without a jacket on and hung up the laundry to dry outside, I got on my bike and rode it through the snowy, slushy streets to the little post office. There I mailed the ten books and bought stamps for inside the country, for inside Europe and for outside Europe. The cost of sending the books and the cost of the stamps took almost all the cash I had left in my wallet and left me with one Euro and some change to buy filter tubes with. I considered myself very lucky, because it would have been highly embarrassing to stand there without enough money.

When I got home, I called my contact person at Social Services to find out if there was a special reason why my money was not yet in my bank account and he said that, no, there was no reason at all, I had not done anything wrong, and it should show up any minute. That was a relief, because I thought maybe I was being penalized for not keeping my appointment with him and changing it to a later date. You never know how these government agencies work. There are all sorts of mysterious rules.

Then I opened the blue envelope from the Tax Office and saw the amount of income tax they wanted me to pay for 2008 and I thought, "I don't have that money!" So, I got on the phone and talked to a very nice woman who said that they would give me 6 weeks plus 4 months to pay off the amount. That was not as reasonable as I had hoped, but it was something anyway and I will just have to live on bread and water for that time.

I checked my bank account again and saw that the money was there, so I immediately paid some bills, including the one for the taxes. I hate to have that hanging over my head. I'd rather know how poor I am at the beginning of the coming month, so I know what I can spend at the store. There's no sense in hanging on to money that really isn't yours anyway. It just gives you a false sense of security. While I was hanging out in my bank account on line, my balance suddenly got higher and that was because my rent and health insurance subsidies came in and I was happy to see that my health insurance subsidy had increased, because my insurance had gotten more expensive too. Sometimes things do actually work well. I keep looking at the bright side of things. Miss Pollyanna I am. I see a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.

Time to file the paperwork in a three ring binder that's getting awfully full and that will need replacing with a new one. Or rather, I will have to start a new one in January and get new tab sheets and start filing things for 2010. Everybody is increasing their rates and nobody asks you if you can afford it. All the extra costs get passed on to the customers and we gleefully sit by and watch and can't do a thing about it.

Of course, if I were a true diva, I would have a financial manager who would make a mess of things and leave me broke with himself with a large bank account on the Bahamas. This diva is managing her own small fortune herself. It is a little bitty mini fortune, courtesy of the state.

There's a time to be sad and worried and there's a time to not give a hoot and right now I don't care. I'm not going to worry about a bloody thing and just pull up my shoulders and say, "So what?" You can run around in circles and try to get it all right and perfect and the way everybody wants it to be and after that you just have to walk away from it and say you've done your best. And blow many raspberries!

Where was I going with this fantasy anyway? I think I need to blow some new soap bubbles. I think as an encore I will sweep the living room floor, because there are a few drifts of dog hair floating around. I hope I can manage that in my high heeled boots. I may have to get out of these drag queen clothes and put on something sensible and middle aged. Socks and slippers, for instance. That's okay, I was having a bad hair day anyway from wearing that woolly hat all the time. You can't go out on the town when your hair is statically electrified to your head.

In the meantime, I've got to find some work to do. I need to be sensibly occupied. I'm sure if I look around here, I will find a job or two to do. There no shortage of cleaning up to do. There is a shortage of bright light, what with all the energy saving bulbs. I must find a solution for that. Maybe buy bigger bulbs. It does make things a little dim in here and I may miss some of the dirt. Other people would wait for daylight, but I must find something to pour my spare energy into and I'm not going to the disco, I don't think they're open on a Monday night.

It never did rain today and the snow is still here and now the prediction for rain that was up there earlier for tomorrow is gone. Now we have no clouds and moonshine. I wonder how my laundry is doing outside. I may have to bring it inside if my other laundry on the drying rack is dry. At least that will be a job I can do. Oh good! Never did a housewife get so excited about laundry, but that is because it means clean clothes for me to wear and I'm all for having a large choice of them.

Right, this diva is returning to her regular housewife status, but don't think I'm really a regular housewife, because I'm not. I'm wearing Turkish pants and how many housewives do you know outside Turkey who do? It's been a treat to pass the time with you, but I really must go do something sensible now. I only wish it weren't so cold and dark by the clothesline.

Have a good evening, do all the things I would do and then some.

Ciao,
Nora

I forgot...

It was 10:10 am this morning and the phone rang. It was my SPN who wanted to know where I was. I had completely forgotten our appointment. I told her I would get on my bike and be there in the shortest amount of time possible. Ten minutes later I was there. The traffic and the lights were in my favor and I rode my bike quickly, like a speed demon. I was only out of breath briefly when I got there, I recuperated very quickly. I'm in good shape. It was the second appointment in a row that I had forgotten. Luckily I was dressed and ready to go, because I had just walked the dog.

My SPN wanted to know why I kept forgetting our appointments, and I said that it fit in the general picture of how I felt lately and that my mind was not on the things that I should be concerned with, but had a tendency to wander off and go daydreaming. I've been forgetting more things lately and sometimes I'm not sure of what day it is. On Sunday, I was in doubt for a while and thought it was really Monday and that I forgot to go to my creative class. I also forgot to put out the trash for the second week in a row.

She asked me to update her on my present state of mind and I knew not how to describe it right. I said that I had some of the symptoms of a depression, but that I really didn't have a depression. She asked me to give myself a rating on a scale from 1 to 10 and I said a 5, which is not bad, and I think we only need to worry if it is a 4 or a 3. Normally I am a 7 and sometimes an 8. Sometimes, when I'm working on a painting, for instance, I'm a 7, though I should pay better attention and find out if that is really true or if that is just an assumption I am making. You can paint and be totally caught up in it and be sad at the same time too, of course. I'm really speaking of unknowns now.

I forget to check in with myself to see how I really am. A lot of times I'm unaware of my feelings, because I'm so used to ignoring and rejecting them. It may seem like I'm very much in touch with myself, but a lot of times my own state of mind is a mystery to me and I go about pretending to be one thing when I am something else. The fear factor that I have now does not come out of the blue and belongs to my present state of mind, which is not good, and I can only assume that some sort of underlying slumbering depression is at the root of it. The problems I'm running into now are very familiar to me and I have had this many times in my life and these feelings of helplessness have always been accompanied by a depression. The medication may prevent me from getting a full blown one, but I still get the symptoms. Call it a low grade depression.

Isn't it nice how I diagnose myself? I am my own best expert. I only need monitoring, I can be my own therapist. Well no, not really. Sometimes I do need someone else's expertise. If only to acknowledge my findings and to keep track of me so that nothing really bad is going to happen to me. And everybody needs a sounding board to hear their own ideas echoed off from and input from the other person so you don't walk down the wrong path too long.

Anyway, I'm sitting here now waiting for the Exfactor to show up, even though I have no idea if he will, but he usually does on Tuesdays. Of course, if I were to call him, he'd probably be out riding his bike somewhere in the countryside like he does a lot of times, communing with nature.

I will try and get some housework done today and I'll do it at a real easy pace and not rush myself, but take my time and pretend the day is endless and that I have no deadline, which I really don't. It doesn't matter if not everything gets done today. I must sweep the floors, because Jesker has shed some hair and there is lots of grit from I know not where. I don't want to be a slave to my household, but I think there's no danger of that. I have not been paying a lot of attention to it and have ignored a lot of chores. Some of them I will do today, but I don't want to feel any aggravation and irritation because of it. It's not worth it.

I'm wearing all black clothes with my brown shit kicking boots and a green shawl and matching bracelets. I'm dressed for serious business. The only thing is, that I forgot to put on make up this morning, so I'm facing the world with a naked face, but I don't care. I'll take it on anyway. If it becomes too much, I'll take a nap, that's how I deal with that!

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora