I had noticed...

Yes, I know. I keep writing posts that no one reads and I keep changing the design, as it is now called, of my blog. Not only that, I also changed the fonts and the color to my liking. I'm a fickle woman and I'm going to try out everything I like until I can settle on something. When that will be I don't know, it may take me a while. I'm like a gold digger and I keep seeing bigger nuggets. I can't put down my gear until I've got every one of them.

I did a bunch of chores and Tyke helped me by going around the apartment with me and watching me closely in whatever I did. I don't know what he thinks when he's watching, but apparently it's all very interesting to him. He helped me make the bed by lying down on top of it. Now I have a bumpy duvet. He helped with the laundry by sticking his head into the machine. That helps when you try to get the stuff out. Nevertheless, I got some things done, just in time before my sister called me to ask if I wanted to go with her to take the dogs for a walk. It was funny, because I was about to call her and ask her the same thing. Telepathy.

The sun was shining and I wore my sunglasses, but I also wore my jacket and I was much too warm. Had I known how hot it was going to be in the sun, I would have left it at home. We walked a long way and part of the way we walked along the flags that were set out for a catholic procession. Sometimes we heard the marching band play in the distance, but we managed to evade them completely. There were people standing on the sidewalks along the way, getting ready to greet whatever holiness was about to come by. I don't know enough about it to tell you. I'm sure somebody will inform me. Maybe they carried a relic. It's a theory. The colors of the flags were yellow and white, if that has any meaning.

We passed a big stone block in the grassy verge and I said to my sister, "Look, there is the grave of a Roman soldier." She said, "Really?" I said, "No, I'm lying." She believes everything I tell her, because I say it so sincerely. I used to tell her terrible stories when we were kids and I didn't know better. Luckily, I improved as I got older. That doesn't mean that my stories got better.

Tyke had the runs right on some one's driveway. The people weren't home, but their neighbor was and my sister asked him for a bucket of water to wash it away. That's how my sister is. She's not the least bit embarrassed to approach someone with a request like that. I hadn't even thought of it. My sister is an extrovert, while I, in my Dutch incarnation, am an introvert. Anyway, the bucket of water worked and we could leave with a clear conscious.

My sister wanted to know how I was doing. I said, "I'm better now, but I was a bit depressed all week." She was surprised and said, "I hadn't noticed. Why didn't you tell me?" I said, "As long as I have some kind of control over it, I don't want you to know. I'll let you know if I really can't handle it." My sister counts on me to be there for her every day and I sure as heck am not going to let her know when I'm mildly depressed, because then she'll feel that she can't lean on me and I don't want that to happen. I am her big sister and I do want to keep functioning in that role. I do feel a sense of responsibility towards her, especially since we don't have parents anymore.

It's alternately sunny and cloudy and noisy little kids are playing in the street. Kids always shriek a lot, I guess it is necessary. That's the drawback of good temperatures. Kids are out and every time one screams, I think something has happened. It's very unsettling. Parents must have nerves of steel, but then I forget that I used to be a parent of little kids too. I survived it, although I think that all mothers have a simmering nervous breakdown that's not recognized.

At least my life is filled with reasonable people and sensible adults. I do count my blessings. And cute animals, let's not forget them.

Ciao,
Nora

Obviously...

Well, it must be obvious to all of you that I write these posts to avoid doing one thing, and one thing only, and that is housework, because it is waiting for me and I find all sorts of excuses, short of glue on the computer chair, not to get up from here. I would say we have a case of serious household neglect here, but believe me, things aren't as bad as I make them sound and an hour's worth of work will set everything right. My household is never in as dire straights as it was when I was depressed and couldn't be bothered at all, and I do like to pretend that I'm not bothered one bit now and can wait it out.

Saturday, my friend Joost is coming, so Friday afternoon, I'm planning on doing most of the work, including mopping the living room floor. I'm not seeing my friend Von on Friday, because she has other plans in another part of the country, so I'll have the whole afternoon off. In a way, I'm happy about this, because it fits better with my schedule, so I can do some grocery shopping on Saturday morning and change the bed then.

Because I walked the dog so late this morning, and we went quite a distance, he is still sound asleep on his blanket and gone from this world, oblivious to everything. I was kind of hoping that he would be awake by now, but I suppose I will have to wait a while before we go on our next trek. I want to do it before it seriously starts to rain again, which it is supposed to later on today, I think. And me without a raincoat! I'll wear my jeans jacket.

Toby just managed to make clear to me that the kibbles that were left in the bowl were stale and that I had to pour those out and put in new ones. That's quite an achievement for a cat. He hardly gave me time to pour the new kibbles in, that's how hungry he was. The poor cat. Sometimes my mind is not quite on things the way they should be and the animals have to make themselves quite clear to me.

Toby eats first and then Gandhi eats, that's the hierarchy in this place. Toby is the dominant cat. That's the way he walks around here too, with a sense of ownership, if he could strut, he would, he is cool. Gandhi is just a lovely female cat with a lovable personality. She is very affectionate and thinks the world of Toby, but she has a healthy amount of respect for him. He gave her a short beating once to let her know who was boss and that was it. The hierarchy was established and has remained so ever since.

Despite my efforts at cooling the apartment down, it never gets cooler here than 24 degrees Celsius, even when it is 18 outside. Maybe I shouldn't complain about that, because it is rather a nice temperature. The walls seem to trap the heat.

Oh, guess who just woke up? Yes, His Highness himself. He hasn't quite made up his mind what he wants yet and is rolling around on the floor. Any minute now he will know what he wants and come ask for it. I guess becoming fully awake takes a while.

It is raining a little bit now, but not enough to keep us from walking. It will keep doing this for the rest of the day, probably. That's been forecast. I don't mind it too much, because it means it's cooler outside and I like that. That's why I'm not going to mind Autumn, as long as it doesn't bring sleet and wet snow.

Well, Jesker let himself out and came back in very proudly demanding a snack as a reward. I guess that's how the system works when the back door is open. No doubt he'll really have to go out shortly, because he only piddles there and does none of his other business out back. He is a very hygienic dog.

I bought chocolate granola bars at the store, and although I'm eating them. I don't like them very much, because they are much too sweet. I am going to finish the box and never buy them again. I think they must pack most of those kinds of foods with lots of sugar to make it appetizing to kids, because thatś the market it is geared for. I was royally disappointed, because I was expecting something more crunchy and wholesome, instead of something so soft and sweet.

Most of those "healthy" in between snacks are loaded with sugar and very fattening, even though they claim to be low in fat. You may just as well buy a box of ordinary cookies, or wheat biscuits, which are excellent with a cup of tea. There's nothing better than dunking your biscuit in a cup of hot sugared tea. Does anybody know the joys of that anymore? That's what we had when we were kids and we came home from school. Your mother at home waiting with a pot of hot tea on a tea cozy and a box of biscuits and an apple to take outside when you went to play with all the other kids in the neighborhood.

His Highness has gone back to sleep. I don't know what to make of it. He is laying here beside me without a care in the world. I guess that's what you do when you are a 12 year old dog. You sleep a lot. It's raining harder now, so maybe it is just as well.

Well, now I will do a little bit of housework, just enough to satisfy the Household Gods that must be kept happy. First, I must eat something.

Cheerio...

For four hours...

I slept on the sofa for four hours tonight. This was after I walked the dog and put out the trash and decided that I was so tired that I could not do another thing, despite my intentions to shower and wash my hair and do some ironing. I was too pooped to do any of those things and like a broken woman put on some leggings and a tank top and laid down on the sofa and went to sleep. Everything else would have to wait.

For some strange reason, I woke up at 11 pm, when I easily could have kept right on sleeping and I got up to take my medicines and make a cup of decaf and some more cigarettes. I checked my emails and answered those and not feeling sufficiently tired yet, I decided to start writing this post, which I may have too abandon if my sleeping pill starts to work. We'll see where the ship strands.

I seriously felt like having something sweet to eat tonight, or maybe chocolate even, but I didn't have anything like it in the apartment and the stores were closed. I did have a jar of diet jam and I had a couple of spoons full of that, although I thought it tasted to sugary. It wasn't tart enough. Then I drank a big glass of juice hoping that would take care of my craving, but it didn't really, so I called my sister to find out if she had any cookies, but her boyfriend from Milan was there and I was too embarrassed to ask. So, I am basically left with a craving for chocolate chip cookies and I don't have any.

I did just find a piece of leftover Brie in the refrigerator and I ate that and that took care of my feeling of hunger. It wasn't the overripe cheese the Exfactor had bought and I'm sure glad I found it, because it turned out that I needed to eat. And here I thought I was just craving sweets. Well goodness, I'm starting to feel like a human being again.

If this is going to be a repeat of last night, I have less chores to do, I mean, I can't wash windows in the middle of the night, can I? I can do the ironing and clean up my closet, but there will be no sweeping and mopping the floors. I can hunt for cobwebs and wash woodwork and clean out the refrigerator, though. I just hope I have enough cleaning liquid left. I'll have to make it last. I'll use spit if I have to or ear wax to polish with. Ha, ha.

If I had my own little studio set up now, I could be producing masterworks! Collages avant lettres, sculptures that would blow your mind away, doodles that would dazzle you with their intricacies. Yes,I would produce it all, working during the night, inspired by the silence around me, by the solitude of the moonlight, maybe the sound of the gentle rain.

Okay, don't get carried away with yourself, stay grounded, a woman may have her head in the clouds, but she needs her feet firmly planted on the ground, even if it is a mountain. or a path in the garden of Eden.

I plan to be an artist, although in my own humble way I already am. It will do me good to create when the mood strikes me and to be able to walk away from it when it does not. To close the door on it and open it again when I an ready and to sit and ponder over the work, which I now don't get a chance to. To play with the different elements and to see how things can be combined and subtracted. How paints can be combined and pastels added to them and natural elements. How you catch the eye and keep it enthralled. So much and so much more. I feel I'm just at the beginning of a long journey with many stops along the way. Points of achievement that will be milestones.


Jesker has completely settled in for the night, but this afternoon he very urgently wanted to go out back and, of course, what was laying there on the doormat? A meatball! I wonder if Toby brings them as gifts to Jesker, because he does not eat them himself.

Toby and Gandhi are still on the kitchen counter all the time trying to get food out of pouches from me, but it is to no avail and they have to eat their very good kibbles, which they do too. I've stopped giving them milk, because they would drink a little bit and the rest would get sour and I had to throw it away. So now it's just plain water for them, which Toby likes to drink from the faucet.

Jesker is back to eating his normal portions of food, so he probably just had a stomach bug or something for a while.

I suppose I will keep you updated about my night, just like I did last night, it helps me get through the night also if I get to write these missives. They are my life lines while I'm here on my own.

Sleep tight you all, if it's that time for you.

Ciao...

202nd post.

I didn't realize that since I've been back with Blogger, I had already written 200 posts as of yesterday. That is after I left Wordpress and not counting all the posts I wrote on Blogger before that. So, happy anniversary to me for a little milestone. 't Is but a blip on the radar, a minor happening, but I should have celebrated it with a pastry had I been aware of it, because any excuse will do to eat a pastry with chocolate frosting and whipped cream on top. Oh, I can taste it now, booger.

Due to the lack of sleeping pills, I also took extra tranquilizers before I went to sleep last night and I have to tell you that I slept like a baby until 7 AM, which was a perfect time to get up because I had to go to creative therapy. I made an extremely slow start and had two mugs of coffee before I could even think of functioning.

I have decided not to worry about getting some place a bit late anymore, as long as I can gather myself together at my own pace and do the things I need to do in my own rhythm. It's important that I don't rush, lest I forget something crucial like taking my medicines, which I have done in the past when in a hurry. I got dressed and made up and did my hair and walked the dog and had another mug of coffee before I left and was 10 minutes late, which was not too bad. There are people who walk in later than that.

I finished another collage and I will post it right here:

I was a bit in a rush when I finished this and it has multiple layers of acrylic paint on it, as I kept being unhappy with the outcome of the combinations. I started with red and finally ended up going back to red with some green in the background.

I see now that I needed brighter images to go with this and that will be my next quest, to find brighter images, I am sure I will find them in all the magazines that are still laying around.

There is some yellow in there too that does not show up well in the photograph, but trust me, it is there.

I have three collages that I want to frame now, so I am on a quest to find the right sizes at the most affordable price. Ikea doesn't have the right sizes, I already looked on line. So, I'll have to go back to that store downtown where I bought two other frames, but I secretly hope that have something cheaper than what I got then.

When I got home, I went to the convenience store to buy the dog some food, instead of going to the supermarket, which I just was not in the mood for, and I bought him some food that had 5 kinds of meat in it, in the proper portions. Then I went to the pharmacy to pick up my sleeping pills. Oh boy, what a relief that was, to finally get them after having been so stubborn about them all week. I don't know what came over me about that.

The dog loved his food and I gave some of it to Nouri who was crying pitifully for something to eat and I made sure the other cats left her in peace while she ate it. I don't think it's going to harm her to eat some dog food now and then along with her kibbles. She won't start barking or anything or lifting her leg to pee on bushes.

Then I very quickly did some jobs in the apartment in the time that remained and with the energy I had left to spare and walked the dog for the third time that day. Now it seems that he wants to go out again, so I will have to take him in a while.

I realize that this is just a dry summing up of my day, without much humor in it. I'll owe you that in the next post. Right now I'm just tired and hungry and I am going to walk the dog and then eat something and put my pajamas on. How lucky can a girl get?

Have a good evening. I'll talk to you all in the morning.

Ciao...

Obviously...

Obviously, it has dawned on me that the small container of senior food is way to little for one meal for the Überhund and that he is left hungry after eating one, because he is getting less than half of what he was getting before.

Tonight I had to give him two containers before he was satisfied and curled up very cosily in a ball to got to sleep and digest his food. So, that is a problem, because I can't afford to give him two containers of food at each meal and it would still be less food than what he was getting originally.

So, it is back to the drawing board, in other words, the supermarket, to see what other brands of good dog food there are for him for reasonable prices that don't make me broke halfway through the month. I am not going back to the original food, because it was junk and made him gain weight. I have to find something very nutritious that's good for him and will not make him gain weight and is good for senior dogs.

Late this afternoon I knew he was hungry, because he was scrounging around in the street again looking for edibles and he has not done that for a while. He was trying to eat unmentionables and I had to pull him away from them, I don't know what they were, but they did not look appetizing.

You see I've changed my header image. It was time for a change I felt, so I looked around on Pixdaus, where there are thousands to choose from. With a little luck, you run into something that appeals to you. Every once in a while I need for something to be different to keep me interested in what I am doing and make it appealing to me, so that I will open up the page with renewed excitement. It's no good if I keep seeing the same image. It starts to bore me and little details start to bother me and it all becomes too familiar.

I realize that I'm writing an awful lot of posts. I have the constant urge to write, it is almost like talking and if you were in the room with me right now, I would be talking your head off. Every time I see the words 'create new post' I click on them. It's an automatism and completely self indulgent. You can blame it on the fact that I am alone a lot and don't have many conversation partners and that when I am in company, I am usually not the talker, but the listener. I don't unload my words very much with anybody, except here.

I don't know if that's because of the company I keep or because of me. I seem to surround myself with people who have the urge to talk a lot and do so freely, regardless of the fact if I may have something to say or not. I admit I am a silent water, but I do sometimes have the urge to share my own self and always feel hindered in my ability to do so, as it seems that people don't expect this aspect of me.

The hard part is that I have a very funny sense of humor and that it very rarely gets the chance to come to the surface. I am always embroiled in serious discussions that are matters of great concern to other people and I feel that I can't do any sort of slapstick routine when I talk to them. Apparently, I have that serious effect on people and they see me more as a listening post than as someone to have fun with.

I'm sure these are also my own vibrations I send out and I need to look at my own self and see what precisely my role is in the lives of other people. I am sure that I have had some of my spontaneity knocked out of me and I may not get that back with everybody. I'm not half as carefree as I used to be. I may actually be a very boring person in real life, who knows?

I suppose that's why I like the animals so much, because they don't expect me to be any other then who I am, which is for them a constantly cheerful person with a lot of patience. I'm always in a good mood when I see the animals. Even when I'm in a bad mood, which doesn't happen very often, I'm in a good mood with them.

I am, what you may call an introvert, while my sister is an extrovert. In this we differ as night and day. My older sister is also an extrovert, which leaves me kind of by myself in the middle. I am, however, the binding factor, I keep one informed about the other and I serve as listening post to both. Sometimes I feel like a good shepherd who tends to his flock. I would be good as a care giver, someone who takes care of people's mental well being. I always know the right thing to say, believe it or not. I have diplomacy and tact. Even if I don't always show that here.

But here is a different world, isn't it? Here we can be our true selves without our facades on. We stand here in all our nakedness without any make up on and without pretty costumes. I think you people know me better than anyone in the world. I choose to show my real self here. Thank goodness that I can and that I'm not embarrassed to. I know none of you will take advantage of it. You will only know someone named Irene very well.

Alright, very quickly. My mother was an extrovert, my father was an introvert, my daughter is an extrovert and my son was an introvert. I think children should be as little exposed as possible to the quirks and foibles of the personalities of the parents. We have no business messing with their innate potentials. Sadly, I don't see a way around this, except by having them live in a kibbutz and that's a whole other story.

So, that was my long insightful ramble for this evening. I'm not nearly done yet, but I'll leave it at this for now. I am wide awake and not nearly ready to go to bed, which is a problem. I will take my medicines and put on my pajamas and see if that will help.

Ciao...