Enough of that...

I had to do some on line banking and had to put on my reading glasses to use my little interaction gadget. I can't see any of the numbers I'm supposed to punch in without them. I forgot to take my glasses off when I was done and was amazed at how much better I saw everything on the computer with them on. I read the blogs I visited much easier. I wasn't squinting and getting eye pain because I couldn't read the fine print. 

I should have figured this out before, but I was probably not aware of it enough. Sometimes I'm too absentminded to pay attention to the details and small annoyances. My reading glasses are always within hand's reach, as they always lie on my computer desk. Everything important does. It would have been a very simple matter to put them on. Isn't it funny how we don't do the obvious thing? I know my eyes are bad, but I just ignore that and go fumbling on without my glasses, unless I have to sit down and read a book. 

I miss them in the kitchen when I have to read the ingredients on a label, or read the instructions on a package of food. I squint and try to decipher them as if I'm reading hieroglyphs and know what the heck I'm doing. I pretend I know what it says to do and make the rest up, which results in many mistakes and surprises. I could very easily get my glasses, but I'm basically too lazy to do that. That solution would require me to have to go to another room and that is too much of a bother. I think you can call that a universal flaw. 

I think from now on I'm not going to be so dumb anymore and put my reading glasses on as soon as I turn on the computer. It will be much kinder to my eyes and I'm sure it's not good for them when I don't put them on. It's not like I'm exercising my eyes without them.

I've done enough chores today to not make me feel that I was lazy and I've walked Tyke a couple of times too. I think he wants to go out one more time and I just may be talked into that. It's almost dark outside, but I know the neighborhood and that there are no bogeymen hiding behind the buildings. I sure as heck don't want my imagination to start working overtime. Besides, I do have a very fierce dog who I assume will protect me at all times. I would be very disappointed if he didn't.

It is getting dark later at the end of the day all the time. It really does make you feel that spring is on its way. The very pleasant temperatures that we've been having help too. I've not needed to wear my winter coat for a while. I hope I can put it away soon. That's one of my biggest wishes right now. It will be nice if it stops taking up space on the coat rack, because it is big and bulky. 

Well, Tyke is very impatient and I have to go. He doesn't even want to take the time to eat his dinner. 

I hope you'll all have a nice evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Monday morning...

As you can see, I've changed the design of my blog. If the text is too small for you to read, go to the top left hand of your screen and click on "picture." Go to "zoom" and you will see the possibility to "zoom in." Click on that and the blog will get bigger. Repeat as necessary. There is no possibility for me to make the text bigger in the design. It does not give me that option. So, you have to row with the oars that you have, as we say in the Netherlands.

I went to bed at 3 am and woke up at 5:30, so that was not a heck of a lot of sleep. Still, I'm wide awake and functioning. How that is possible I don't know. I've had my two cups of coffee and am now drinking cold milk.

I've taken Tyke for a walk and it was nice and cool outside, but I didn't wear a jacket. It was almost too cold to go without one, but it was a pleasant experience after all the heat. It was still quiet outside, but now the street is full of traffic with parents are dropping their children off at school. This is their last week, they'll have vacation next week. Six weeks of it. It will be nice and quiet in the mornings without all the cars and bicycles and kids rushing to get to school on time.

I have to do some chores before the domestic help gets here. I've got a little organizing to do and two loads of laundry. It's a joy as always to look forward to. All I can say is, thank goodness for good smelling washing powder. It does make doing the laundry that much more pleasurable. I noticed when I made the bed that the sheets smelled good. Even I with my nicotine impaired sense of smell could tell the difference.

I've not taken my tranquilizers this morning and I don't feel the need to right now. I'm not planning on taking them unless I really feel that I have to. That is until I get so stressed that there is no other recourse. I'm not going to take them as a preventive measure. I want to see if I can do without. It's too easy to take them and be somewhat numbed by them and feel very little of what is going on around you. They make you lazy too. But I will take them if I need to. I will not be so foolish as not to.

Well, it's time to get going. I can hang up the laundry to dry out side today.

Have a nice day today.

Ciao,
Nora

I had noticed...

Yes, I know. I keep writing posts that no one reads and I keep changing the design, as it is now called, of my blog. Not only that, I also changed the fonts and the color to my liking. I'm a fickle woman and I'm going to try out everything I like until I can settle on something. When that will be I don't know, it may take me a while. I'm like a gold digger and I keep seeing bigger nuggets. I can't put down my gear until I've got every one of them.

I did a bunch of chores and Tyke helped me by going around the apartment with me and watching me closely in whatever I did. I don't know what he thinks when he's watching, but apparently it's all very interesting to him. He helped me make the bed by lying down on top of it. Now I have a bumpy duvet. He helped with the laundry by sticking his head into the machine. That helps when you try to get the stuff out. Nevertheless, I got some things done, just in time before my sister called me to ask if I wanted to go with her to take the dogs for a walk. It was funny, because I was about to call her and ask her the same thing. Telepathy.

The sun was shining and I wore my sunglasses, but I also wore my jacket and I was much too warm. Had I known how hot it was going to be in the sun, I would have left it at home. We walked a long way and part of the way we walked along the flags that were set out for a catholic procession. Sometimes we heard the marching band play in the distance, but we managed to evade them completely. There were people standing on the sidewalks along the way, getting ready to greet whatever holiness was about to come by. I don't know enough about it to tell you. I'm sure somebody will inform me. Maybe they carried a relic. It's a theory. The colors of the flags were yellow and white, if that has any meaning.

We passed a big stone block in the grassy verge and I said to my sister, "Look, there is the grave of a Roman soldier." She said, "Really?" I said, "No, I'm lying." She believes everything I tell her, because I say it so sincerely. I used to tell her terrible stories when we were kids and I didn't know better. Luckily, I improved as I got older. That doesn't mean that my stories got better.

Tyke had the runs right on some one's driveway. The people weren't home, but their neighbor was and my sister asked him for a bucket of water to wash it away. That's how my sister is. She's not the least bit embarrassed to approach someone with a request like that. I hadn't even thought of it. My sister is an extrovert, while I, in my Dutch incarnation, am an introvert. Anyway, the bucket of water worked and we could leave with a clear conscious.

My sister wanted to know how I was doing. I said, "I'm better now, but I was a bit depressed all week." She was surprised and said, "I hadn't noticed. Why didn't you tell me?" I said, "As long as I have some kind of control over it, I don't want you to know. I'll let you know if I really can't handle it." My sister counts on me to be there for her every day and I sure as heck am not going to let her know when I'm mildly depressed, because then she'll feel that she can't lean on me and I don't want that to happen. I am her big sister and I do want to keep functioning in that role. I do feel a sense of responsibility towards her, especially since we don't have parents anymore.

It's alternately sunny and cloudy and noisy little kids are playing in the street. Kids always shriek a lot, I guess it is necessary. That's the drawback of good temperatures. Kids are out and every time one screams, I think something has happened. It's very unsettling. Parents must have nerves of steel, but then I forget that I used to be a parent of little kids too. I survived it, although I think that all mothers have a simmering nervous breakdown that's not recognized.

At least my life is filled with reasonable people and sensible adults. I do count my blessings. And cute animals, let's not forget them.

Ciao,
Nora

Interesting.

It's been an interesting day so far. When I woke up this morning, I realized that my life was really not all that complicated and that the difficulties I saw in it were really due to events that happened in the past, over 16 years ago and much longer, and that it was time to leave all that behind me and concentrate on this life that I have here now, by myself, in the Netherlands. If I look only at that life, a lot of the complications drop away, because, although it is not easy sometimes, it only concerns me and I'm the only one in the end who has to live with myself and the consequences of my disorder and actions resulting thereof. I can disconnect as much as possible from people who would get involved too much and deal with things on my own along with the help of the professionals around me. That way nobody needs to get hurt.

It was a big realization for me. A real "Eureka" moment. To let go of the past and the people in it and to only deal with now. I've talked the talk, but I've never felt it as clearly as I did this morning. It was a great relief. I felt a lot of freedom suddenly. I hope it continues so.

That set me in the right frame of mind to tackle the rest of the day and I immediately did a load of laundry after I wrote my last post. Sheets and towels and the dog pillow cover on 60C with extra detergent to get it real clean. I puttered around the apartment after that and did odd jobs and realized I wanted the furniture back in its original place. I thought it looked cluttered the way it was and I was unhappy about Tyke sitting on top of the sofa in front of the windows, barking at things that went by and dirtying the glass.

The Exfactor came over and went to the hardware store to buy the wood to make a new little gate in the fence, because the other one had rotted off one of the hinges. It needed to be 4 x 4 feet. He built a double frame with plastic coated chicken wire screwed between it and it's perfect. He had a battery powered drill and was done in the shortest amount of time. he put the hinges on and a hook to keep it closed and put it in place and there it was. All finished.

He also went grocery shopping for me and when he came back and we had unloaded everything, I asked him if he would help me move the furniture. I had a plan on what to move in which order and we worked like a finely tuned unit and were done within 20 minutes. I just had to deal with the little details after he left and that was no problem. I enjoyed doing that. I swept and dusted where it was necessary, especially when I moved the area rug, but there are some jobs left for tomorrow and I will do those then.

In the busyness of it all, I almost forgot to walk Tyke and he was mighty relieved when I took him out. The weather is turning warmer and tomorrow we're supposed to have sunshine. It's time to open the windows again and let the fresh air and the street noise in. That's the drawback of having the windows open. That does irritate me. I'm right on top of the sidewalk and the street and all the noise. I don't care for mopeds and scooters and airplanes taking off and landing nearby.

Right, I have to watch the news now. Mustn't miss that in these exciting political campaign times. Next week we vote. You should see the campaign spots on TV.

Ciao,
Nora

On the sofa...

I laid down on the sofa this afternoon, in the sunshine that came in through the front windows, and finished "The Stone Diaries." I had already looked on my bookcase to see if I had any more books by Carol Shields and I do. I have two of them, "Dressing up for the Carnival" and "Larry's Party." I think I will read the latter next. I think the first one is a collection of short stories. After I finished reading "The Stone Diaries," I laid it down on my lap and folded my hands over my chest and went to sleep very peacefully.

I woke up with Tyke on my lap and Gandhi too and the two of them were making a racket, so I had to get up after I got licked awake by Tyke and his wonderful dog breath, which isn't quite puppy breath any more. I smoked a cigarette to come to my senses and then made a cup of coffee to get the cobwebs out and opened the back door to let the fresh air in. The jasmine bush is very green and the Golden Rain is getting buds on it. Soon it will have blossoms, although it is a little late this year. The mountain ash berries are showing life and will soon be green. Tyke is ignorant of all of this and just lifts his leg against it and pees. It doesn't seem to do it any harm. Maybe it is fertilizer.

I just took him for a walk around the field and a lot of people were sitting out in the sunshine. It's a communal field, so all the people whose houses face it use it to sit and relax on, but they do keep a close eye on me and my dog to make sure I clean up after him. It would be very antisocial not to and not a hair on my head would think of not doing it, but there are those people who get away with it when no one is looking. It's pretty disgusting. Kids play on that field and a whole social life takes place there. They even have parties and barbecues there, so it's a big deal to keep that field cleaned up.

My, I am talking about interesting things now, aren't I? I hope you aren't eating your dinner.

I've just taken my medicines and it seems that everything is working correctly. I have them spread out evenly over the day so I feel like I have some control over them and how much I get off it during the day at different times. I'm not bothered by the decrease in my anti psychotics. If anything, I feel maybe less down, but I can't be sure, because I'm drinking a little more coffee. That does effect me and it makes me feel better as can be witnessed at the end of the day when I really feel good. Maybe it's just a relief to have the day over and done with. I do like the evenings and the nights the best, after all.

Today was not a bad day, though, and it went by quickly and I did not feel like I wanted to sit down and sob in misery once. I think that reading a good book helped a lot and diverted my attention. Sleeping also helped, but a good book does wonders, because you really can get lost in it and be transported to another time and place and have your imagination be stimulated. If you're lucky, you recognize bits and pieces of yourself and your own life in it and it puts you to thinking about it from a different angle. You wonder how you did things and why and if you could have done them differently, or if you did them equally inadequate considering the time you lived in and the circumstances.

I was born in the fifties and am a product of the fifties and not at all a liberated woman like a lot of my contemporaries are. I was raised to be dependent and unable to fend for myself. Just because all the women in my family wore the pants in their households, I thought we were liberated, but nothing was further from the truth. We were all heavily dependent on our husbands for our livelihoods and not at all capable of taking care of ourselves. We knew how to run a household and that was it. I come across such women in the books I read, or very liberated and educated ones, and compare notes and see how bad off I am.

But never mind about that. There's no sense crying over spilled milk. I am where I am now and must make the best of it. I am getting lots of help to do just that. It's amazing what input I'm getting. I must make good with that.

It's still early in the evening. Normally I don't have a post written this early, so doubtlessly there will be another one later on when I can't sleep. Or maybe I will surprise myself and go to bed early tonight. The only problem is that I will awaken in the middle of the night and have nothing better to do but to sit here behind the computer again. I could take a second sleeping pill then and sleep longer. Maybe that's a good idea. Anything to survive the night right.

Tyke's out cold behind me on the floor. He never lies on the comfortable cushion because it is too far away from me. I'll see if it helps when I move it closer. At night he sleeps on the bed with me and when I wake up he greets me eagerly and comes up to cuddle. He's just one woolly, squiggly teddy bear, all black curls. He's like a movable stuffed animal.

I'm off to start reading my new book. I hope it is as good as the last one. I'm full of anticipation.

Have a wonderful evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Yes, we have no bananas...

It's snowing again, but it's the kind of snow that's almost rain, or frozen mist. It's very pretty, though, and when I walked in it with the dog it made my coat all white. I saw people trying to clear paths in front of their houses, but some aren't too bright and leave big heaps of snow on the sidewalk, forcing you to walk in the street, which is very slippery. They don't get a medal for snow clearing. They get penalties. I just haven't decided what they are yet.

I was supposed to go to the post office today, but wild horses couldn't drag me there, and I have decided to go there on Wednesday when I also have to go see my SPN. Having decided that, my rate of anxiety dropped considerably and I could breathe normally again. It is such a relief to know that I won't have to go out there today, but just to walk the dog. Knowing that I have to go on Wednesday is causing me enough anxiety, but I can push that aside for now. There's no need to make myself crazy about that today.

My neighbor across the street is doing a real good job clearing a path. He means business. He gets right down to the pavement and throws all the snow far away from the path he's cleared. That will make it easier to walk there with the dog. Another place less to break my neck.

I slept in very late this morning, and after I had been up for a while, I had the audacity to go back to bed and sleep until one pm. I had a cup of coffee and took the dog for a walk and he was very grateful. He had only been out back to piddle. I do have the most patient dog in the world and he just waits for me to get my act together whenever. I was going to say, while he sits there with his legs crossed, but it isn't as bad as all that. He just goes to sleep until I'm ready, but during the final minutes he's very alert and he watches me like a hawk.

The path that my neighbor cleared has been covered with snow already and my neighbor has given up and gone back inside. I didn't think he would give up that easily. I thought he was more stubborn than that.

The trash people did come by today and so did the green bin people, so some things are happening just like they are supposed to. The recyclable paper people didn't come by on Saturday. They must have been discouraged by all the new snow that had fallen.

It's snowing very hard now and everything is getting covered up by a new layer. All the footprints are getting wiped out. I like that, because it is easier to walk on the snow than on the icy layer that's underneath it. Some people sweep away the snow but leave the icy layer underneath and you take your life in your own hands when you walk there. Some people have no sense. They don't deserve a medal for snow clearing either and they get a red card.

I'm waiting for the day when I'll get over my inertia and over my agoraphobia. When suddenly those things will no longer be a problem for me. It has happened in the past that I woke up in the morning and that they had disappeared as snow for the sun and I'm waiting for that to happen again. It's like a switch gets flipped inside my head and suddenly I'm on the other side of the spectrum. I long for that day to come, when I'll have courage again and passion. I'm living a very low key life right now and am just going through the motions of being alive and doing only the most basic things. The most active I am is on the computer, because I can focus my mind on one singular activity and cut myself off from the world around me, except for the dog, of course, who comes to be petted regularly. He forces me to pay attention to him.

Other than that, it's not much. I barely remember to water the plants. Only when I see the dire need they are in do I think of it and then I forget about it again some time later. They will probably die, unless they are very forgiving. You see, I have a terrible attitude. The nodule on my throat has gotten bigger and I suppose I have to go to the doctor for that. I don't know if I should worry about that. I have to do two loads of laundry and they are just sitting there waiting for me to do them.

Well, I'll try not to be so negative and look at things from a more optimistic point of view. I am sitting here with a delicious glass of juice and a very good tasting cigarette. These are the little pleasures of life. Another pleasure is that it's almost time for dinner and that the news will be on in a while and I can see what kind of chaos the weather caused in the rest of the country, not that that is a pleasure, of course, but it is a form of entertainment. Nobody I know is out on the road making a long journey and is stuck in traffic. You have to count your blessings.

Alright. I'm going to turn on the television and get ready for the news. My dog is being restless. I don't know what he wants. We have been out and now he's trying to dig a hole in the linoleum. I think his old age is getting to him.

Have a good rest of the day!

Ciao,
Nora

Another day dome...

I'm keeping a close eye on the thermometer inside the apartment. The moment it drops below 19 degrees Celsius, I'm closing the windows in the bedrooms. It is now exactly 19 degrees and it's 2 degrees outside. I'm sitting here in my bathrobe and slippers and I'm actually more then warm enough, so it could even drop down below 19 degrees before I take action. I simply refuse to turn on the heater, though. I think all of my neighbors must be heating their places well for my apartment to stay so warm. I'm not going to give them a clue and keep my energy bill as small as possible, but I've already said that, so let me not be repetitive.

Today has been an absolutely forgettable day, but you mustn't really say that about any day, must you? It's a god given day after all and you must make of it what you can. Regardless, nothing the least bit exciting happened. It was as dull and flat as the Kansas plains (except that in the springtime those can be real pretty with all the prairie flowers).

The highlights of the day were the two long naps I took, one in the morning and one in the evening. That's why I'm up at this ungodly hour. I fell asleep, as usual, watching the news and woke up at 11 pm with a huge thirst for a cup of coffee and a computer session. Why I have these stubborn notions late at night I have no idea, but there you go. Instead of being soundly asleep in bed, I'm sitting here thinking that now I will start drinking fruit juice or hot milk. Of course, hot milk has the added benefit that it makes you sleepy and then I could take my sleeping pill at the same time. Decisions, decisions!

I got dressed and walked the dog this morning and then ate some nice warm porridge for breakfast, which made me sleepy, and fully dressed, I laid down on the sofa and in the shortest amount of time I was asleep and slept for 3 hours. So you see how I wasted the whole morning doing absolutely nothing but walk the dog. Of course, when I woke up, I had to have a cup of coffee and check my emails and answer those and when I was done with that, it was time to walk the dog again. My whole day revolves around walking the dog. He makes sure I get enough fresh air and rosy cheeks.

I had tea with my sister in the afternoon. She always forgets that I put sugar in my tea and I have stopped reminding her and drink it without. She also forgot to give me a cookie, so I got my own. It's handy if you know where those are kept. They happened to be really good ones with chocolate on them. Because my sister lives in a big 2.5 story house on a corner, she had the heater on and needless to say, her energy bill is more than 3 times higher than mine. That's in a new, well insulated house with double glazing everywhere. A big house is expensive in the upkeep.

I've lived in big houses and know the responsibility of ownership, that's why I'm so happy to live in this relatively small apartment now. I have rent control and a cheap service contract and no worries about the upkeep. I can paint it green and purple on the inside if I want and have the most hideous carpet, as long as I take it out when I move, but I'm never going to move. I'm in a perfect location in a nice middle class neighborhood. Oh yes, I care about those things. Crime rate and all that. I wouldn't want to live in the next neighborhood over. There are some very strange people living there. Generations of families that all stick together and have feuds and lives of crime. Not all of them, of course, but you do have to live with them.

It's taking me forever to write this, because I'm constantly distracted by my own thoughts and go into a reverie every few sentences and smoke a cigarette. This way the whole night is passing by rather quickly. I could be on a long journey staring out the window gazing at the scenery. It is of great interest as I pass by it. Large portions of my life pass through my mind and I am reminded of so many things while I write this. It's not with displeasure that I look at them, I just remember them and observe them and think about how it was to be alive then and what a difference it is from today.

I never thought I would have ended up as a single 55 year old woman in the Netherlands, living on my own with a dog and two cats and being creative, though in a way it is close to the picture that I secretly had of myself when I thought about me in the future. I often thought of myself as a solitary human being on her own, in her own life, somewhere in the Netherlands, brewing coffee on an Autumn morning and being free to think her own thoughts. The surroundings are different, but the basic premise is right. I just thought that was an imaginary me I was dreaming about. I didn't know it would come about like this. So, in the end I've become the person I imagined myself to be one day. I better live up to that now.

I've added a collage to my art blog here. Please go have a look and become a follower. The more, the merrier.

I'll go have that glass of warm milk now. I've taken my sleeping pill, but it's not working yet. That means sleeping late in the morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Normalization.

This morning I slept until the alarm clock woke me at 7 am, even though I had gone to sleep early the night before. I woke up a few times during the night, but managed to go back to sleep immediately every time. I wasn't in the best of moods when I got up and almost talked myself out of going to creative therapy, but then I thought that was a foolish idea, because I needed to get out of the house and be out amongst people.

So, I had my cup of coffee and found some clothes to wear, which was really a search for the right clothes, because the weather looked kind of dubious, and then I walked Jesker. It was wonderfully cool outside, just the temperature I liked and I was wearing the right clothes. I didn't need a jacket, yet it was overcast and looked like it was going to rain.

Once home again, I took my medicines and made cigarettes and drank a cold glass of juice, because I'm always so thirsty in the morning. I have myself a nice moment at the dining table before I am off to therapy and I sit and drink my juice and smoke a cigarette and stare out the window at people leaving to go to their work. I am the silent observer of what goes on in the street and I see a lot of things, like a Belgian car that is parked by the side of the road and a guy rides by on his bicycle and drops a package in the open window of the car. Aha, a drug deal. It happens regularly.

Then I went off on my bike to the clinic and I still did not have the right attitude. Once there, I made myself an espresso and sat on one of the benches out on the deck. Slowly people trickled in and got their coffees. Some were enthused and some were not. Sometimes people just have a bad day. Like me.

Until the coffee break at 10:30, I did very little work. I doodled a little, but my heart wasn't in it. I was so completely unenthusiastic about being there and about doing any work and I did not have the least bit of inspiration. Mostly I sat and watched other people work and drank coffee and ate cookies. I was glad when it was break time and I could sit out on the deck again and I stayed out there for a long time, 20 minutes past the time I was supposed to be back, but by that time I felt a lot better and had some inspiration and could actually draw something that looked halfway decent.

When it was time to go home, I was ready to tackle the rest of the day and things didn't seem so dire anymore. My mood was improving and I could actually start to enjoy myself.

Jesker was happy to see me and wanted a belly rub, but the cats kept getting in the way, much to his dismay. I fed him the last broken pieces of Bonzo bones, which made him very happy and took him for a walk. Then I mad a shopping list and prayed that there was money in the bank, because I didn't check and took the books with me that I had to mail for Bookmooch.

There was a long line at the little post office and it seemed that everyone had to do something complicated. The poor woman behind the counter didn't get flustered one bit though. She kept her cool and calmly helped each customer. When she added up how much I had to pay for shipping my books. I nearly had a heart attack, but I am getting double the amount of books back and I won't be shipping any big books anymore. It's no wonder the Americans only want to ship inside their own country.

Then I had to do the grocery shopping and stow all of that in my bags and the bag on my handlebars and go to the pharmacy where I had to pick up 3 kinds of medicines, one of which the prescribing psychiatrist of that day had gotten wrong. Luckily, they know me at the pharmacy well enough that they gave me the right medicines with the promise that I would arrange the right prescription for them. It's always something with the medication, unless my own psychiatrist prescribes, but he is on vacation.

Boy, it is hard to maneuver your bike through all the traffic when you are loaded down with groceries and you have to cross two busy streets and manage two bike paths. It is asking for an accident. I didn't have one, but that was sheer luck. Okay, and a little careful planning on my part, but I cut it close a few times.

Now I am extremely tired and I need to go to bed. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I should have left this job for tomorrow morning, but I didn't think I would tire that quickly.

Have a good night, everyone, sleep tight.

Ciao...