Culture...

I got up early this morning and was full of good intentions. I didn't want to act like it was another weekend day and waste it sitting around in my bathrobe, not accomplishing anything. The first thing I did early this morning was walk Tyke when it was still dark outside and cold. It was even snowing a little bit. Luckily, Tyke cooperated and got his business over and done with quickly, so we could return to the warm apartment soon. I did let him sniff around on the field for a while, but it was too cold to linger long. 

Once we got back inside the apartment, I realized that I was still a bit sleepy and I laid down on the sofa under the red fleece blanket and closed my eyes for a while. I had planned to watch the cultural programs that were going to be on that morning, so I had turned on the television, but all I saw were 5 minutes of news and then I fell asleep and didn't wake up until noontime, so I slept for a long time. 

I immediately made myself a cup of coffee, and then another one, so that I would be alert and well and then I took Tyke for another walk. It was a bit less cold outside and the sun was shining. Still, there was a lot of ice underneath the freshly fallen snow and walking was a bit treacherous, even in my new boots. I certainly mustn't get a false sense of security, because I can still slip and fall. 

After I took Tyke home, I walked to the tobacco shop very carefully, although in some places people had cleaned their sidewalks really well. They had sprinkled them with salt and gotten rid of all the ice. I slipped a few times, but managed to find my footing anyway, so they were just close calls. 

I bought a chocolate bar at the tobacco shop along with my usual supplies and made my way home, aware now of the treacherous places and avoiding them as much as possible. Tyke and Gandhi came to greet me both when I walked in the front door and you would have thought that I'd been gone for hours. It does feel good to be welcomed so, although Tyke was also very curious about what was in the bag that I was carrying. I didn't give him a chance to look, afraid that he'd find the chocolate bar.

I watched television all afternoon. Some of it was interesting and some of it was inane. At least I was dressed and I wasn't sitting around in my bathrobe. That was one redeeming feature. At least it wasn't a day like last Saturday that I let completely go to waste. I do feel that I did something useful. 

I'm waiting for it to start snowing again, because it is supposed to. I'll go walk Tyke in the snow. The country has been in chaos because of the snow and the ice. Planes, trains and automobiles have been delayed or canceled or stuck in traffic jams. People are told not to go anywhere unless they absolutely have to. There's a terrible mess at Schiphol Airport and many passengers are stranded. 

I must go and watch the latest news. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

There she comes...

I managed to sleep until 8 o'clock this morning. It was with amazement that I looked at the alarm clock. I don't know how I did it, but somehow I pulled it off. I am very pleased. That means I slept almost nine hours and I will not have to take a nap today. Hallelujah. I will make it through the day just like a regular person, and that is good, because today both my personal helper and my domestic help are going to be here. I will be alert and approachable and in a good mood. Not that I'm always in a bad mood, but I'm more absentminded when I'm sleepy and tired and forget to be very sociable. 

I'm having my second cup of coffee and my third cigarette. I've just taken my medicines and am waiting for them to start working. It's the regular morning routine like so many other mornings, except that I'm doing it later than usual now. Tyke is sitting on his perch on the dining table looking out the window and seems to be completely fascinated by whatever he sees out there. At least he is happy for now. That gives me time to sit here and write and wake up properly. I may be writing this, but I'm on automatic pilot still. I will function well after I've had the second cup. 

Well, the secretary of the Green Cross just called to say that my personal helper is sick, so she won't be coming this morning, which gives me a sea of time. Now I don't have to sit here and rush through this. I was a little concerned about the timing and getting this done before she got here. I'm still sitting here in my bathrobe and I was to take a shower when she got here and get into my clean clothes, so I suppose I will do that on my own now.

It didn't snow last night like was predicted. I suppose it didn't get quite cold enough. It did rain, but this morning the sun is shining and it's going to be 33F, which means it's going to be a nice day, because there will hardly be any wind. It will be nice to go out for a walk with Tyke. 

Because it's Friday again, I'm extra motivated to make it as pleasant a day as possible. It's the pre-weekend day, which is as good as it being the weekend. Sometimes it's hard to remember to enjoy the times that don't consist of responsibilities, although there are many moments of it during the week. I usually have just enough stress with me to not be able to relax completely until the weekend, while really I have no reason not to feel that way during the week. I really need a change of attitude, but I never realize it until it is almost weekend and I see that I have been stressing again during the week.

I look like the wild woman of Borneo. My hair is sticking up all over the place and it is strictly from sleeping on it. There's no hairspray or wax in it. If I didn't know better I'd say static electricity was the cause of it and maybe it is dry enough in the apartment to have caused it. I have had the heater on. It will probably be better once I've washed my hair. 

The mailmen are on strike because 3,100 of them are going to be laid off and be replaced by part time mail deliverers. That's what they will be called. There was no mail yesterday and there will be no mail today, so no reason to go look in the mailbox. Privatization of mail services is a large cause of it and the fact that people send less mail, doing things by email now. I don't think the tide can be turned. We are starting to live in a capitalistic society. Woe is us. 

I have to go and walk the dog. It's time to get the day started. Be at your very best, always. 

Ciao,

Nora

A pocket full of posies...

I think I've just about had enough coffee. I'm wide awake enough anyway. There are no cobwebs left in my mind whatsoever. I can think clearly now and I've taken Tyke for a walk in the not unpleasant morning temperatures. I suppose it is a little bit chilly, but when you're dressed warm enough, it isn't bad at all and there's no wind to speak of, so it's very enjoyable. 

It's always the wind that makes a day unpleasant and colder, especially at this time of the year. Especially if it comes from the north or the east, from Russia. Wind from the south and the west isn't as bad in comparison. Weather that comes to us via England is usually wet, as it comes from the Atlantic and carries lots of rain. The poor English people can't help it. 

We're lucky here in our little corner in the south in that a lot of it misses us and goes to the rest of the Netherlands. Sometimes we longingly look at the sky for some rain to come down, although lately we've had enough. There was a lot of flooding in Belgium and a lot of damage, but we did better and were better prepared. If there's one thing we've gotten good at, it's how to be prepared for an overabundance of water. There's a plan of which land behind the dikes of the rivers to flood if the water gets too high. 

The sun has come out and it promises to be a nice day. The sunlight is coming in through the living room windows and will warm the place up. I had the heater on for a while this morning to take the worst of the chill out of the air, though it was really nothing and it just seemed chilly. I don't know why that is at this time of the year, but it seems to be colder at reasonable temperatures that you wouldn't worry about if it were springtime or summer. And then consider the amount of clothes I wear inside, which are double layers. Silly, isn't it? 

The fallen leaves outside are decomposing and turning into a fine mess. They get stuck under my boots and I walk into the apartment with them. I walk on the grass with Tyke were they are in abundance and nobody rakes them up. I wonder what other fine messes I am unknowingly going to step in one of these days. I mustn't think about it. At least my boots can handle a mess, they are pretty sturdy. I still must buy those hiking boots, but I'm waiting until I have the money and hope the snow and ice hold off until that time. Wouldn't it be great if we had a mild winter? Wishful thinking, right? The weather is so kind to us now, that it is hard to imagine it turning against us with arctic conditions.

Tyke is barking at me, but I keep ignoring him, otherwise I'll get a spoiled dog. He does have to know that I'm not going to jump up and do something for him whenever he thinks I ought to just to keep him quiet. I try to keep him quiet for the neighbors, but they'll have to put up with a little bit of noise now and then. I'm going to get an ulcer otherwise. 

He's given up and gone to sleep and I'm going to end this epistle. I'm going to take my medicines and read my book and take a nap, because it's Saturday and because I can. 

Have a great day!

Ciao,

Nora

Don't fear the rain clouds overhead...

I'm eating some fruity gumdrops that I bought at the tobacconist a while ago. I couldn't resist the temptation and bought a big bag of them. They satisfy my taste buds and my stomach very much. The problem is that they fill me up very quickly and that they prevent me from eating anything else, so for now I'm living on candy, which is not a preferable lifestyle. Sometimes I have to throw caution to the wind and live with complete abandonment. I like living dangerously and on the edge. I'm so adventurous!

I had to get two new lighters at the tobacconist, because Tyke had eaten one that I had and the other one was almost out of fuel. All I got after many attempts was one tiny little flame, and speaking of living on the edge, that was just a little bit too scary for me. I didn't know if I could light my next cigarette and the matches that I have are absolutely no good. They are as ineffective as a 120 year old man is in bed. They're not like those Swedish matches that work anytime and anywhere. Swedish men probably do too.

I also had to get trash bags and the tobacconist is very handy, because he stocks those. I was using a plastic bag, but it was getting full and I do like the fact that I don't have to go all the way to the grocery store to get new trash bags. There's nothing worse than standing in line for those. Never mind the fact that I don't like riding my bike across the parking lot there, because you take your life in your own hands when you do. This is because of the drivers of cars who don't count on you being there and have a strong desire to run you over and probably wouldn't stop if they did.

I checked my mail on the way back in and found another book from Bookmooch and that makes the total 4 received with 7 left to come. This book I just got looks very interesting and I can't wait to start it. I think I will sit in the armchair this afternoon and start reading it. I will install myself with a cup of tea and my cigarettes and have a good old read. The book is called Drowning Ruth by Christina Schwarz. It was a #1 New York Times bestseller when it came out 10 years ago. I have a good feeling about this book, call it expectations or instincts, I think I will like it. I look forward to an afternoon of reading to calm my mind. I'm quite excited about nothing at all and everything in general and need a soothing activity. I haven't finished A Place Of Hiding, but I will save that as my nighttime book or finish it when I'm done with this one.

I had the domestic help here and she had some spare time and cleaned the whole bookcase. I'm glad it was done and thanked her profusely. All the dust is gone and she moved all the books out of the way to do it. She is a peach. She also cleaned the CD rack and that was above and beyond the call of duty. I do so appreciate the help. It makes living so much easier. I can keep up with things myself now and take care of the chores that I need to do. Everything is manageable now and I don't feel like the apartment is tumbling down around me.

Actually, everything is starting to look more manageable now that I'm on a lower dose of antidepressants. I feel that I have more mental energy, but that may also be due to the light therapy lamp. I do want to continue decreasing the amount of antidepressants and will discuss that with my psychiatrist when I see him next. I didn't know that it was possible without too many problems or I would have done it sooner. Well, there's always a perfect time to find these things out, I guess now is that time.

It has started to rain again, but we are assured that the weather will get better in the very near future and the meteorologists advised us to go to England for a short vacation, because the weather is so nice there. You lucky English people. There's been damage across the country here because of the storm. We've had so much rain and wind lately. The Netherlands is living up to its image of being a cold and wet country. In two more days it's going to be September and I'm counting on an Indian summer. Oh no, now it's started to thunder too. I'm glad I'm not out there.

I think I will go and read my novel now. It's time for some food for my brain. I haven't read a book that's not a thriller in a while. It will be nice to not read about dead bodies, although there is a mysterious death in this book too. All will be revealed in time.

Have a good day. Think of me here in the rain. Not that I mind...

Ciao,
Nora

One more time...

It started to rain this morning and it wouldn't stop. I finally had to make a decision to go out in it, because I needed tobacco and I wanted to get some things for Tyke at the pet shop. I put on my hooded coat and out we went in the drizzle. Tyke didn't mind one bit and soon was one wet curly bundle of fur. When he gets wet he looks like he's just had a permanent.

I got him some interesting things to chew on at the pet shop, including a big dried soup bone that you could hit someone over the head and knock them out with. He doesn't quite know what to do with that, but he does know what to do with the beef jerky sticks that I bought, one of which he is eating now.

At noontime it had stopped raining for awhile and my sister called to ask if I wanted to go and walk the dogs. I thought this was a perfect opportunity to try and let Tyke off the leash, which I had never done. I walked over to my sister's house and we set the dogs loose on the big field in front of her house. I was very curious about what Tyke would do and half expected him to take off, but he did no such thing.

He liked the freedom and ran around, but kept coming back to us. It was fun to see him run around freely and enjoy himself. We walked all the way around the field and the dogs followed us and Tyke did as if he always had. When it was time to go back on the leash again, I crouched down and he came running to me. So that was pretty painless.

Because he's so low to the ground, he always gets very wet from the grass and his paws and the lower half of him are sopping wet when it has rained. It's difficult to get him dry and all day long he walks around being damp. Wherever he lies down, there is a damp place, so you have to be careful where you sit down. Luckily, he lies down most often on the coffee table, so that's no problem and the cushions on the sofa have a sheet over them, so that spot dries fairly quick too. You do have to warn people that you have a damp dog, though, in case it surprises them.

When we came home from the field, I realized I was very tired and laid down in bed and soon was asleep. I woke up a few hours later to go to the toilet, but I wasn't ready to be up yet and went back to sleep. I finally woke up at 6:30 pm and was completely over my tiredness and felt ever so much better. Sleep, or the lack of it, can make or break you. I seem to be enormously sensitive to this and can go from very depressed to alright just depending on how much sleep I've had. Lack of sleep can mess up my mood very much and the first thing I need to do when I feel bad is find out if I'm overtired, which I quickly am. I rapid cycle if I'm overtired and I don't do myself any favors by staying up.

I just walked Tyke for the last time today and it was chilly outside. It has stopped raining, but it is still cloudy. It's not the kind of weather that was predicted. I'm about ready with the rain now and am in the mood for some sunshine. I don't mind if it's not so warm, but I do miss the sun. It has peeked through the clouds a few times and it looked promising, but it disappeared again each time.

Saturday is always a little bit of a lost day. I usually don't accomplish much and I seem to save my chores for Sundays. The laundry is still in the washing machine and it has been for three days now, I think. I will have to hang it up tomorrow. I also have to sweep the living room and the kitchen and do the dishes. At least the weekends aren't the awful wastes of time that they used to be. I may waste time, but it doesn't feel like it. The days go by quickly and before I know it, it is Monday again.

No matter how you look at it, the weekend is a break from the busy week, even though I don't have a job to go to. I feel the same as anybody else and as if I'm on a break on Saturdays and Sundays. I feel more carefree and less responsible, when in reality I'm probably not. Less responsible, I mean. I'm still in charge of all the same things I am during the week. My main charge, of course, being the animals who completely depend on me. It's good for me. It makes me less self centered and less self occupied. It prevents me from too much navel staring and hibernating.

It's time for the World Cup Football, people! The Netherlands is playing its first game against Denmark on Monday. I'll be watching it.

Ciao,
Nora

No sleep.

I haven't been to bed yet and it looks like I will not be about to for awhile. I am wide awake and I don't yet have a sleepy bone in my body. This is most unfortunate, because it is well past midnight when all decent folks are supposed to be asleep.

I've watched boring TV. I even watched Studio Football and that is really desperate TV watching when you're a woman, although I am probably going to watch all the games in the World Cup in which the Dutch team plays. Not that I really think we will become world champions, but you can always hope. There is the excitement of the well made goal or the terrible disappointment of a lost game, when everybody will say that we had lousy players nstead of the really good ones we have now. Or it will be blamed on the hamstring injury of Arjan Robben that we lost or the presence or absence of Wim Kuyt. It will be blamed on something or somebody. It will not be because we played a bad game.

There's a gentle breeze moving the blinds in front of the open windows. It is cool and I'm sitting here in my bathrobe. It's actually not that cool in the apartment, it's all in my imagination. I think I am cooled off because of the breeze, therefor I think I need my bathrobe. In reality it is 22.5C in here. That's more than warm enough. As far as I can tell, that's 72.5F. It's balmy. Well, it's not quite like living in the tropics maybe, but close enough. I could imagine that it is a tropical night, I suppose, although it is no summer night in the desert when you can go for a swim.

Tyke is sleeping beside me on the floor. He has decided anyway that it is bedtime. You can't fool a dog. He talks to me now when he needs attention. It's very funny and he reaches out with his right paw, so he is right handed. He has calmed down a lot. It is permanent. He's starting to leave his puppy ways behind him, but he is still lots of fun and full of surprises and he charms old ladies that he meets in the street. I just wish he didn't have to piddle every 20 seconds. It does keep us busy.

Toby is secretly eating Tyke's food. He has been trying to do that all day, but he got caught every time. I guess Tyke's not very hungry today, because he left half of it in his bowl. He is very protective of it, though, and absolutely doesn't want Toby to touch it. He sees Toby as a rival for everything. I'm sure because Toby is a male also. Gandhi is a sweet female, so Tyke tolerates her a lot better and bosses her around. I should almost say, tosses her around, but it's not quite that bad yet. Gandhi does know how to get out of the way on time.

The breeze has stopped blowing and now everything is very quiet. It's in the middle of the night and the town is asleep. At least, the suburbs are. It may be quite different downtown where the cafés are. I'm going downtown on Wednesday to meet my friend Yvonne. That's in the planning anyway, weather permitting. It depends on how serious this threat of rain is. Hopefully it won't be that bad and there will be many dry spells. It also depends on how hard the rain comes down. If it's just a gentle shower, and I'm on my bike, it's not such a bad thing, but if it rains buckets, I won't go out in it. There's nothing worse than sitting somewhere in drenched clothes with ruined hair. Luckily, I don't wear make up anymore or I'd worry about getting raccoon eyes.

I'm all ready for bed, so all I have to do is take off my bathrobe and go lie down in it. It gives me no incentive to actually go and do it. That's another matter altogether. Not even the clean sheets help me go. I'm sitting here very cozily and I'm not about to break the spell. My feet are cool, so that's good. The rest of me is warm. Eventually I'll have to go to bed, simply because there will be nothing else to do. I will go out of boredom.

Imagine me getting bored. There ought not to be such a thing. It is impossible. I can always write a post, after all. It seems I never run out of things to write about. I don't know if they are all fascinating, but to me they are amusing enough to write down and they help the time pass. I could probably sit here all night and do nothing but write posts, one after the other. I don't know if I would do anybody any favors with them, but it would sure keep me out of trouble. That's the main objective, isn't it?

I will be good and end this one now, but there are no guarantees that I will not write another one. It depends on if I'm able to sleep. I don't yet feel it in my bones or anywhere else Maybe I'll play around with the look of my blog. That will keep me busy for a few minutes.

Ciao,
Nora

Ascension Day

This is just a post to let you all know that I'm alive and breathing, but that I've decided not to spend so much time behind the computer anymore. Blogging was taking up too much of my time and it had nearly become an obsession and a lot of my spare time went into it. I always had the computer on stand by and every free moment I sat down and did something related to my blog and I thought it had gotten out of hand.

Tyke is the recipient of my free time now, as I spend much more time with him and it's paying off, as he's bothering the cat much less and begging for attention less, because he's getting enough of it now. I take him for more and longer walks and spend more time cuddling with him and just sitting with him and being there, instead of sitting behind the computer. He appreciates that very much. Gandhi also gets more opportunities to sit on my lap, so I make her happy as well.

The photo at the top is of the field where I take Tyke for his shorter walks. I took it a few years ago at the beginning of Spring. I'm taking him there for his last walk tonight, while it is still barely light outside. The days are getting longer, although the weather has been dreary and cold.

Tyke has a little infection in his eye that I'm treating with an antibiotic ointment and it seems to be helping already. He's pretty good about letting me apply it. He only protests a little bit. Maybe he knows it's good for him.

The country has been in the grip of the disaster of the Lybian airline crash in which so many Dutch people died and which one 9 year old boy named Ruben survived. It's been quite shocking, to say the least. It happened one day before the 10 year memorial of the fireworks disaster in Enschede in which a whole neighborhood got wiped out and many people died. Flags are flying at half mast.

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

I really did...

I really did have the computer turned off for a long time today. As a matter of fact, I watched television and snuggled with Tyke and took a nap on the sofa, therefor I'm feeling very good right now. I've taken to sleeping under a red fleece blanket and it is very cozy and keeps especially my lower parts nice and warm. It's exactly what the doctor ordered and I go sound asleep in the shortest amount of time and stay asleep for quite a while too. That's because I'm so nice and warm. Before I would just lie on the sofa in my clothes with nothing to cover me and I would get chilly after a while and that normally woke me up. I never thought about pulling the red fleece blanket over me that has been lying on the armchair all this time and what better use for it?

Tyke likes it too and lies in the hollow behind my knees and makes himself a little nest there where he chews on his rawhide bone. There's usually at least one cat that comes and joins us, so we are quite a crowd on the sofa and it's not that big. It's a two and a half seater, so you can imagine the room we take up. If I lie with my head on the pillow of the armrest, my feet just make it to the end and then there is just room for some animals on the side and on top of me, but I prefer to lay on my side with my knees pulled up a bit. One cat can lie on my ribcage and one on my thigh if they are feeling very communicable. If not, it's just one cat and one dog and if Tyke gets too feisty, it's no cat at all.

I have been watching the Winter Olympics at night, or did I already tell you that? They are also on in the middle of the night, because of the time difference, so I watch them then too. Luckily, they are uninterrupted by commercials and we get to see a lot of what is going on, even the non-action of broken down ice cleaning machines. You're not supposed to call them Zambonis, because they're not. They're sending over a Zamboni to replace all the malfunctioning ones, none of which is a Zamboni, all the way from Calgary. Makes you think that's what they should have started with all along.

The Netherlands have only managed to win one medal so far and that was a gold one in speed skating, done by Sven Kramer in the 5 kilometer race. We all expected him to win and would have been mighty disappointed if he hadn't. He's our speed skating king right now and frankly, we expect a few more from him. No, the pressure on him is not big at all. Only the whole country is watching him and counting on him. No pressure whatsoever.

I watched ice dancing for couples and thought that was lovely, especially since the choice of music was so good. The couple from China that won the gold medal was very good, though I thought the couple from Germany that came in third was lovelier and their music was too. It was from the movie Out of Africa. Very beautiful and heartbreaking, if you've seen the movie and it calls up those associations for you. Streep and Redford, what a pair!

Now it's time to shut off the computer and get ready for bed. Sleep tight, all you people. It's still only the beginning of the week. We've got a long haul ahead of us yet.

Ciao,
Nora.

I din't get it quite right...

Well, I slept on the sofa with two cats on top of me the whole time. The good news is that I didn't have any night sweats, the bad news is that I didn't sleep long enough. I woke up at 4 o'clock this morning and got up and made myself a cup of coffee and wild horses couldn't have dragged me back to sleep. I would have gone kicking and screaming. I was bound an determined to be awake and alert and functioning. Where there's a will, there's a way. It only took one cup of coffee and two cigarettes to be completely there. I was answering emails before my brain was at the right speed. It was in first gear and I took off, switching gears as I got up to speed. I have just taken my medicines and in a while that antipsychotic medication will make me sleepy again and then I will go back to the sofa. I'm assuming that that's what the problem is, anyway.

I'm not going to be concerned about being sleepy during the day anymore, because I just am and there's not much I can do about it. I don't know if it's a side effect of the medicines or if it's because it's wintertime, but I seem to want to sleep through the most important parts of the day and night. I am alert in the evenings and very early in the mornings. That's just the way it is. I'll have to see what happens to me in the springtime. Maybe things will get more balanced then.

I've been having sleeping problems on and off for 16 years. More on than off. I got them when I came to the Netherlands and have never gotten over them. That's because I've never felt safe anymore. I've always felt that I need to be hyper vigilant and alert, especially now that I live on my own, but I was this way before too, when I was still married. Before I had my computer I watched MTV with headphones on and waited for it to be morning so I could make noise. The computer was a real lifesaver. It made the hours go by quickly and kept me entertained. I don't know what I would do without it. Go back to watching MTV I suppose, although it's not what it was. I like the fact that I can do what I want now and make noise or not and turn on lights and talk to myself and the dog and listen to music. The last time I slept really well was when I was in the States. I kept very normal hours then and slept like a baby. That's 5 years ago. Just imagine that all this time I haven't felt safe. There's something deeply psychological going on.

My father murdered my mother at 4:30 in the morning while she was asleep. I very often wonder if that has something to do with it. It's something I can think about on two levels. One way is on a very rational, non-emotional level where I just keep myself to the facts, but there's another level that lies much deeper and where I shudder at the horror of it all and want to scream and cry and turn away my head and not look at it. It's too horrible to remember. I wonder how I walk around with that, subconsciously, to this day. I think you never get over something like that, really.

Okay, I'm going to eat and go lie down on the sofa again, or maybe on the bed, I'll see. No, not on the bed after what I just told you.

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Lazy Sunday...

I am planning on having a lazy Sunday. That includes taking many naps and hanging out behind the computer and watching interesting, I hope, programs on the television. I want to have a day of sheer self indulgence and the least amount of responsibility. Well, I'll take care of the cats and walk the Überhund, but other than that I will contemplate my navel and stand in front of my closet and look for pretty clothes to wear. Maybe something good will jump out at me.

Then I'll look in the bathroom mirror and see if I have any stray hairs on my chin while wearing my extra strong set of spare reading glasses that I can't wear behind the computer, but that are perfect for rounding up stray facial hairs. Yes, I am at that age of confused hormones that can't decide if I am still enough of a woman not to grow a beard. It's the curse of womanhood and hardly ever talked about. Luckily, they are all blond and not easily seen by other people.

I will contemplate my navel while drinking mugs of decaf and smoking handmade cigarettes and think about such issues as will I part my hair to the left or the right, will I make it curly with the curling iron or just leave it straight and what will I do about the two kilos that I gained and will I be able to loose them by next week? See here the uncomplicatedness of my thoughts. I keep them that way on purpose and selectively think that way, leaving the larger issues for other moments when I am more willing to tackle them head on at braver moments.

I will pet the Überhund and have several cats sit on top of me and not be bothered by the addition of hair to my black cardigan, if that is what I end up wearing. I will wear my Pippy Longstocking leggings of which I have 3 pairs in different colors and feel amused and silly by them.

I will also, probably, contemplate the walls, which need a coat of paint, but the thought of that is too daunting for me, so I will not dwell on that too much. Better think of collages and colors and images and texts and that tomorrow is Monday and I can go to creative therapy again.

So you see, I will have a busy contemplation time and hopefully sometimes my mind will wander into an area of nothingness and be as blank as an unwritten piece of paper.

I was such a daydreamer as a kid, that very often I was oblivious of what happened around me and had to be called back to reality with some effort. This gave my parents the impression that I was somehow not quite functional, as in dysfunctional, and they worried about my state of mind. They expected little of me and were surprised when I did well. I daydreamed my way through grade school and didn't wake up until high school where I had to keep my wits about me.

Sometimes, I have a hard time understanding what people say to me and I either fake it and pretend that I heard them, or I ask them to repeat themselves. It all depends on how comfortable I feel with that person. Sometimes this creates misunderstandings, because I don't react in a way that is expected of me in response to what has been said to me. I think people must think I'm a bit of an airhead, when really I just didn't understand the words they spoke to me. It was the tower of Babel to me. I like people who articulate well and speak loudly. I've had this problem my whole life.

I learned to speak up and clearly when I lived in the States. I acquired one of those loud American voices. Hearty and cheerful. I could small talk with the best of them and no subject was out of my realm. It was a problem when I came back to the Netherlands, because I had forgotten so much of the language and I became timid and self conscious about speaking out my thoughts for which I had no words. I was verbally handicapped and could no longer small talk, let alone talk about the big issues. I always reverted back to English.

It split me in half and I was only half a person and I didn't recognize the Dutch one and had a hard time coming to grips with her. I reverted back to being a child in my dependencies and felt very helpless. I had to carve out a whole new woman. A Dutch woman with an American tint. It took me quite a while to give shape to this person and the mastery of the language was a very important part of this. The problem was that my thoughts and my dreams were in English, so I constantly had to translate myself.

I have been here 15 years now and I think I have made the transformation, but I still love the use of the English language and in a way, it will always be my first language in which I can say a whole bunch of things that I can't say in Dutch. Depending on the subject and the characters, I either dream in English or in Dutch. I can say endearments in Dutch now and swear in Dutch now also, so I have come a long way.

I don't daydream much anymore. I've become much too alert for that. I am constantly monitoring myself, as I always keep track of my inner self and its state of mind. Aberrations are dealt with immediately. I will keep an even keel. There will be no tilting to the right or left. My state of mind is like a child that needs a guiding hand all the time and needs to be led on the right path constantly, lest it strays away too far from its destiny. That's the kind of discipline I've taught myself over the past years.

I am Dutch enough now to care a great deal about what happens inside this country and I bend myself over the big issues and form opinions on them. It's a good country to live in and most people are of good will. The politics aren't obviously corrupt and when you vote, you get the feeling that you make a difference. Things could be better and there are a lot of conditions I would change, but I can only achieve that by voting. At least I can vote, which I was never able to do in the States, not being a citizen of that country.

The best part about being dutch is, that I have found my pragmatism again and my sensibility, but maybe those are European traits. I am not a flag waving, take it or leave it Yankee. I know that is a broad statement, but you get my drift. Things rub off on you.

I think if there is anything Dutch people abhor, it is nationalism, having come in contact with that in an extreme form during world war II, We suspect anyone who starts spouting that kind of nonsense. It goes against our grain, even though secretly we are proud to be Dutch, we don't like to be organized in a group of fatherland lovers. We don't salute our flag and hardly know the words to the national anthem, but don't attack us as Dutch people, because we do have our pride. We pour scorn on ourselves, but don't allow an outsider to do it.

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I've been out walking the Überhund. It isn't very cold out, 3 degrees Celsius. That does make difference between freezing and not freezing. It was almost balmy. You get used to anything when it is cold and appreciate any rise in temperatures. It was overcast, but it is supposed to be sunny today. A meek little sun that hardly warms the earth, but does its best anyway. Its going to be a bit warmer in the next few days. All is well as long as you wear layers of clothes.

Here in the South, people are very chauvinistic about their language and lifestyle. The language is spoken by high and low and the life style is Burgundian, with the emphasis on good food and drink. There are many good restaurants and many fun cafés. Downtown is a perfect area to get lost in and do nothing but move from one café terrace to the other to get different views of the old buildings. You can have cappuccinos with cookies all afternoon, though you can alternate those with glasses of white wine or good beer from the local breweries.

There is nothing wrong about being a woman on your own and going into a café. Nobody will bother you and you very leisurely can have your drink and enjoy the noise and activity around you. I have never seen cases of drunkenness during the day and everybody is in a good mood.

Th best thing about living here is that it is a city, but it feels like small town, because it is compact and you can get around by foot or by bike. Once you learn to understand the language, you don't feel like an outsider so much. A Hollander.

Well, that's about all I have to share with you today. Don't forget to read my post below about the medicines.

Have a great day.

Ciao...