Dream a little dream of me...

I'm sitting here in my bathrobe with cold hands and cold ankles. I only have myself to blame because I haven't turned up the heater. I want to be stoic and pretend I don't need to because I will go back to bed again shortly. Besides, it really isn't that cold in here and the rest of me is warm enough. It's only the exposed bits that are chilled. I did just started drinking cold milk so the inside of me will be chilled too soon.

I didn't have an internet connection when I first got up, but I had been warned by my provider that I might not have because they were going to be working on the network during the night. After waiting patiently for some time and reconnecting the modem a few times, I had my connection back and could do all the fun things I'm used to doing when I get up during the night. I do have to perform my rituals before I can go back to sleep. 

Yesterday I received a Christmas care package that I'm sure my personal helper arranged for me. It was rather a large box and in it were all sorts of good foods that are perfect for this holiday season. It will keep me from having to buy some things that I had on my shopping list. There was even a bottle of wine in it and a package of coffee. It was a complete surprise as I had not expected one this year. 

Yesterday was sort of an odd day. I felt out of sorts and couldn't concentrate on anything. I was aware of the fact that things needed to get done, but I felt unable to do them. I decided in the end that the day was going to be a waste and not to worry about it and that I would catch up later when I felt better. I didn't get back to normal until the evening when I finally landed back to earth and felt connected again. By that time I had to go to bed, but at least I went to sleep in a good state of mind. 

Of course now, during the night, I'm very capable of rational thought and I can think about the day ahead with much clarity and it all seems very simple. I hope I still feel that way when I get up again in a few hours. I always have much courage during the night, but it seems to leave me during the daytime hours.

I will go back to bed now and get under the warm duvet. Outside it is very cold and it feels like -11C. At least it isn't snowing. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

In the middle of the night...

I just had a cup of tea and now I'm having a tall glass of milk. I figured that I didn't need to be drinking coffee at this time of night. I don't need it to function anyway, I do okay without it. Although come to think of it, I may be a little dull without it. I may make a little coffee yet and see if that will enliven me a bit. I do depend on artificial stimulation to get my brain to perform at its best. It's no good sitting here half awake when I could be fully awake. Especially not if I'm going to write a blog post.

Yesterday I got a nice surprise in the mail. It was a gift certificate from my daughter to spend at bol.com. I was able to get five books that I really wanted and if I'm lucky they will be here for my birthday. It was the nicest thing I've gotten in a long while and it was the perfect gift. I have such a long wish list at bol.com that it wasn't difficult to pick out the books that I wanted. I had a great time choosing them and getting the most for my money. What a blast that was. I do seriously have to make room on my bookcase now and remove some books that are unimportant and move those to the bedroom. I don't need to tell you that books are my greatest treasures. I value them as much as I value my clothes, if not more. More, I guess.

Yesterday was a strange day other than that. I completely wasted it doing a whole bunch of unnecessary things that I thought were important at the time I was doing them. They all involved sitting behind the computer and they all took up a lot of my time, but looking back on them now, I think none of them were worth it. I kept getting involved in little projects that I thought were interesting and necessary, but that didn't amount to a hill of beans and that may as well have been left undone.

Sometimes I get caught up in things that suddenly grab my attention and I think it is very important that I do them immediately at the cost of everything else. It's not until after the fact, when the spell has been broken, that I see it has been completely useless and that I may as well have spent my time doing something completely different. I came to my senses early in the evening and took Tyke for a walk in the fresh air to get those obsessive behaviors out of my head. I'm not planning on having a day like that today. I have to grab myself by the neck and pull myself back to reality where I belong.

My personal helper is going to be here today and so is my domestic help. I have to do a few chores beforehand and I think that the Exfactor is also going to come by. He can go to the store for me and get the few things I forgot about the other day. He had offered to do so when I was trying to remember everything for my shopping list and couldn't think of. I will have a full house, but the more the merrier, right? As long as everybody co-operates and does what they are supposed to do, I'm happy.

I can't believe it's Friday again. It seems it was only Friday just a few days ago, but I'm not complaining. The week just went by awfully fast. I'm planning on reading a lot this weekend. I want to finish the novel I'm reading now and start a new one and I have so many to choose from. When I look on my bookcase I see so many possibilities. I forget what is up there and I really have to have a good look at all the shelves so I don't miss anything. Everywhere there are books that I haven't read. It's like going on a treasure hunt and being very successful.

I have to choose new clothes to wear today and I want to wear something very different than I have been wearing. I have to have a good look in my closet and pick out something fun that I haven't worn for a while. I keep wearing the same sets of clothes, because I think they look good and I'm comfortable in them, but that's silly, of course. I should get out some of the other things. I do have enough to choose from. I must also wear my new boots, which I have been saving for the right moment. Well, today is as good a day as ever.

I told you the coffee would perk me up and it has. I was sitting here as dull as a wallflower and now I am lively and full of myself. It only took a cup and a half and I'm a human being again. That cup of tea just didn't do it for me. Who was I fooling? There's a difference between night and day.

I have to go to the post office today and mail some books for Bookmooch. I keep getting books in the mail myself and there are quite a few underway. That's another reason to make room on the bookcase. I've already looked at it to see what I can move to the bookshelf in the bedroom and it will be a painless thing. I have large binders of administration in one cubbyhole that have no business being there. They look quite unattractive and they should go. I will gladly move them out of there. I will have to buy a smaller bookcase soon, though, and find a place to put it. I will have to look in Ikea and see what they have on offer. My sister has one like I have in a smaller version and it is quite attractive and may just do the trick. I will go to their website and have a look.

I have to take a shower and wash my hair with the blond shampoo. I haven't used it the last few times and now my hair doesn't look quite as nice. The blond shampoo brings out the highlights. If you're a natural blond, I can recommend using it. I have gray hairs sprinkled throughout , but it just looks like I had my hair lightened a bit.

I will go in search of clothes to wear. I will put an outfit together that will be just right. Something cheerful and perky to match my mood. To match my mood on coffee. I do have some idea of what it's going to be . I think I even know which necklace I'm going to wear, but maybe it's going to be a scarf. It depends on how cold it is when I go out to walk Tyke. It is 10C now, so a bit on the cold side. I can take my time because it isn't even light outside yet. That means I can pamper myself after my shower with body lotion and facial cream and really fix my hair well. I won't be in a rush like I usually am.

Have a terrific day, everyone. It's been a pleasure to wile away the very early morning hours with you while you were asleep.

Ciao,
Nora

Enough sleep...

After I walked Tyke this morning, I decided to go back to bed immediately. I was still tired and I wasn't in the mood to do my chores, feeling unable to face them as sleepy as I was. I climbed into my bed and read for a little while and fell sound asleep. I didn't wake up until 1:30 pm.

I was surprised that I had slept for such a long time, but I felt great when I got up, though totally not in the mood to do anything. I turned on the computer and read blogs and comments and wiled away the time. I didn't in the least bit feel bad about not doing any of the chores I was supposed to do. I was the one who had told myself to do them and I would do them when I was good and ready.

I did take Tyke for another walk and he was happy for it. You can't neglect your dog, no matter how lazy you feel. I wonder if it is laziness I feel or just plain exhaustion, considering I slept so much yesterday too. It could be mental tiredness, because I do suffer from that quickly and what seems like an ordinary day to most people can be very tiring to me and I may be putting in more effort than seems apparent.

Likewise when I say I'm very normal and sane. When I say that, I'm probably less sane than I claim to be. It's when I'm less sure that I'm more sane. I think a lot of times I'm not normal at all and I don't know how many of you feel that you are. It's all very well to go around and claim that you are, but it's another thing to actually be it. I think on the crazy scale I'm more often closer to crazy than I am normal. It's exhausting to try and appear normal all the time and to constantly have to check if you are and pass the test.

I think I really ought not to give a darn and just be as I am and not worry about how I come across. That's very brave of me to say, but I wonder if I can do it? Can anybody do that? It would be a world full of eccentrics. I suppose social pressure forces us to adapt to a certain extent. I just wish it wasn't so much. I would feel a lot more freedom if I didn't have an internal judge guarding over me constantly who checked if I behaved socially acceptable. Do you have someone watching over you like that too?

I'm drinking my third glass of milk. I have an unquenchable thirst. I think I will make myself a cup of coffee next and make sure I save enough milk until the next shopping trip. I always have to count the containers of milk and the days left until the Exfactor goes shopping again. I usually make it, but not if I drink it like water from an oasis.

Sometimes, when Tyke is stretched out on the floor, it takes me a while to figure out what's the top of him and what's the bottom. I just had to take a good hard look to find out. I couldn't figure out where his head was, because his eyes were closed and there were all these ears and legs sticking out that looked alike. He is cute once you figure it out. He looks like a big stuffed animal that you want to cuddle with.

I'm teaching him to fetch now and he's slowly catching on. We're doing it with an old pair of rolled up socks, because he likes them a lot. We also found a tennis ball today on our walk and brought that home. He's been playing with that and hasn't demolished it yet. I'll use that to play fetch with next. It will bounce really well. Hopefully I won't break anything in the apartment.

There, I've completely wasted the day. I haven't done anything useful but write some posts and play with the dog and the living room and the kitchen are a reflection of that. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully I won't waste half of it with sleeping. I do want to get some things done. I really need to be over this wish to sleep now. My bed can't become that much of an attraction, nor can the sofa for that matter. They are both to be stayed away from.

I hope you all have a good evening. The weather was nice here today. It wasn't too warm and a pleasant breeze was blowing. It should always be like this.

Ciao,
Nora

Snow!

It's been snowing since early this morning and it hasn't stopped once. We have about a foot of snow now and it is a lot of fun trudging around in it and watching your dog sink into it up to his shoulders. The dog doesn't seem to be the least bit bothered and actually seems to like it. If he could skip and hop, he would do it, but it's a little bit hard in all that snow.

At noontime, when I sat here after my morning sleep, there was a loud knock on the window. It was my sister who was out with my nephew and her dog. They were having fun in the snow and said that they were going to build a snowman. I told them that I'd be right out and got dressed and took the dog to the field where my sister lives, but they were back inside having hot Cup a Soups. They said the snow was too dry to make a good snowman with. We had cappuccinos and watched the snow fall and the wind that came from the northeast blew all the snow sideways.

I don't have snow boots, but the leather boots my sister gave me are doing a good job at keeping my feet warm. Of course, I'm not out there for really long periods of time. I'm sure if I were to track through the snow for a long time, my boots would get soaked and my feet would get wet. I do also have my hiking boots that I can wear, if nothing else, but they are not very high and I would sink into the snow deeper than that.

My sister has started to have eczema just like me and she gave me a tube of natural ointment that she used before her doctor put her on a cortisone creme. I am loathe to use the cortisone creme that I have, because if you use it too often, it will damage your skin, so I'm more than happy to try the natural product. I had been planning on buying it, because my eczema is bad right now, but now I have an almost full tube and I've already applied the first layer. I'm counting on it working and will use it every day. At least I won't have to worry about it damaging my skin and I do believe in natural medicines. I think there are many medicinal plants that can help you very much and the ointments and pills made of them are widely available, so I'm going to give this creme a fair chance.

Sleeping in the morning makes the day go by quickly, especially if you subsequently go and have cappuccinos at your sister's. I've really wasted most of the day. It's kind of a shame, but I don't quite know what I would have done with it otherwise. Oh sure, I could have done some household chores. There are always those things to do. That's a never ending story. As a matter of fact, I will do some of those things later on, when I'm done sitting behind the computer. When I have a sore rear end and I do get one of those on occasion. The solution is to get up, right? No, the solution is to find a softer place to sit.

I don't want to have another wasted day like this though. I do want to fill my time more usefully. I don't like these empty hours in which I don't achieve anything. That's okay now and then, but not all the time. I have to make it a point to get some things done that will give me some satisfaction. There's nothing worse than looking back at the day and seeing no result of anything. That's not how I'm put together. I do want to feel that satisfaction of a job well done, although I realize that I can't always perform up to my standards. But I think if I feel good enough, I should do better than just having wasted most of my day. It doesn't make me feel good at all. That's a warning to me to make tomorrow a better day, even though it will be Sunday. It doesn't matter. We're snowed in and I may as well do something useful inside the apartment.

Well, now I'll go and do something useful like make cigarettes. That needs to happen too.

Goodbye from the snowy Netherlands.

Ciao,
Nora

Frittering away the time.

I've managed to fritter away the day doing I don't know what. Yes, doing all sorts of inconsequential things that didn't add up to anything worthwhile. At least, it doesn't leave me with a lot to show for. After I walked the dog this morning in the slushy snow, which was cold and wet, I ate breakfast and went back to bed and slept another three hours, which was wonderful and I'm convinced I needed it, because when I woke up, I felt great and ever so ready to enjoy the rest of the day. Of course, I started it off by turning on the computer and reading my emails.

Mistake # 1. Never turn on your computer at a random time, because you will get stuck there in the middle of the day and forget to do other things that are more important. I did remember to get dressed, which is good, because the mailman rang the doorbell with a package for me and I did have my clothes on and that was doubly good, because a while later the Exfactor showed up for coffee and a chat. I would hate to have him see me in leggings and a T-shirt. We're past that stage of intimacy.

He stayed for quite awhile and that took a big bite out of my afternoon and then I still had to walk the dog in the slushy snow. My boots have gotten wet and need drying out, but I keep wearing them, because I'm not feeling anything in my toes that's indicating cold or wetness, unless the feeling has gone out of them completely. I probably have wet socks and don't even realize it. After I walk the dog for the last time, I will take them off and put them on a radiator and let them dry properly. The Exfactor brought some cable holders to tack the cable of the computer to the baseboards with, but not enough, so I need to go to the hardware store to buy more.

I must make a list of things I have to buy before the year is out. It's adding up in my head, but I'm bound to forget something now, as there are too many items on it. I will sit down shortly and start writing that list.

The package I got from the mailman contained a book that wouldn't fit through the mailbox slot, but when I got the mail out of the mailbox, there was another book there and some Christmas cards, bringing the total to 13. I do hope I get more than that...

Eventually I remembered my wet laundry hanging out on the clothesline and brought it all in and put it in the washing machine for the spin cycle. It's done now and I can hang it up to dry shortly. Mistake # 2, don't hang up your laundry outside to dry when it's wintertime and it has been snowing and it may rain soon. Mistake # 3, don't trust the weather forecast on your computer.

Well, I have so little to show for my day, it's just outrageous. I did all these little things that are not worth mentioning. If you sleep half of the day and spend another chunk visiting with you ex, it takes care of a good portion of it. I also find myself tired now and I don't know why that is. I'm very much looking forward to going to bed and pulling the duvet over my head. It can be that visiting with the Exfactor has exhausted me. Who knows what sort of subliminal things take place while we meet? Maybe it wears me out.

I think I will hang up the laundry now and then walk the dog and have something to eat. Hey, this was supposed to be an upbeat post, but I 'm ending it in a minor mood. I'm just very tired suddenly. Have a wonderful evening.

Ciao,
Nora

Saturday Morning.

It's -12C outside, so I'm not quite ready yet to go and walk the dog. I hope he can wait a while until it gets just a bit warmer. I'm sure all the ice skating fanatics are ready at every bit of open water that's frozen over and are out there tying on their skates now before it gets to crowded on the ice. There are a lot of ice skating fanatics in this country. It's in the blood. Last year there was lots of good skating on natural ice, so nearly everybody has skates now and they will want to put them to good use. I wonder if there will be another run on skates by the people who didn't manage to get a pair last season, because they were all sold out. The manufacturers couldn't keep up with the demand.

I managed to sleep eight hours last night, yet after I got up and had my breakfast and took my morning medication and answered some emails, I went back to bed and slept another three hours. I don't know if that is because of the tranquilizers that I take or because I just needed the additional sleep. I would have to try and not take the tranquilizers some morning and find out, Maybe I can do that tomorrow and see what happens. I'm reluctant to go without any of my medicines, because of the changes in my constitution, but sometimes it's worth trying to see if it makes any difference in my energy levels. Like I am doing now with the antipsychotic.

I haven't noticed any difference so far in my interest in tackling the apartment and that is what I'm really waiting for. I'm waiting for that little burst of energy that will get me started on the jobs I have to do. Some boost in my level of interest in getting those things done. The fact that I care enough to. Right now I don't see that changing. I am mostly uninterested in most anything I would have to do and I find myself putting off other things as well until the moment that they can't be put off any longer. I guess it's the approaching deadline that works as a motivating factor for me right now, but it's always looming over me as the sword of Damocles. It's not how it ought to be. I hope to see some change in that today.

--------------------

I've just been absent for quite a while. I had to walk the dog and then I got distracted by a website that offered very good wallpaper, but I had to click through the images randomly, so sometimes it took a while before I found a good one. It was just the sort of almost mindless job that I was interested in, because every once in a while I got excited when I found one that I liked and I could save. That's the kind of work I need to do. Just stick me behind a computer and let me do mind numbing work that occasionally is exciting to keep my interest going. There must be lots of jobs like that.

I pick images that I'd like to have on my screen as wallpaper, but I also have been using them as images for the tops of my posts lately and I got feedback that they were well liked. So, the only criteria I have, is if I would like the image as a wallpaper. If the answer is yes, then I download it and save it. You wouldn't believe the good stuff that you can find on the Internet and it's all anarchistically for free. No, the Internet is not democratic. It's a jungle and a free for all. We assume we will all be polite and gentlemanly, but whose to say we will be? It's amazing that it works so well. Just don't hang out in the fringes.

Of course, I'm not getting anything valuable done, though I did just clean up cat barf. Gandhi had eaten dog food and was too greedy with the obvious result. For some reason the dog decided not to eat it and I had not noticed that, being so wrapped up in what I was doing. I do have a one track mind sometimes and only a gagging cat will disturb me.

It's time to come back to reality and have a good look around me and see what I am going to do with the rest of my day. I am wasting my time fruitfully. I can get so lost in things, I'm sure you all have the same problem, but isn't that pleasant, though? It's really nice when you're doing something that completely takes your mind off things and lets you not have a care in the world for a while. I completely forgot my surroundings, I was so lost in those images. It just goes to show you which photos you don't have to take, because they've already been taken by somebody else, unless you want them as your own mementos.

It also shows you which photos are just pure kitsch and that you should not take them for the sake of good taste. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but when you see many of them like it on a photography website, you realize they're no good and it is a waste of time to take them. Photos of babies and puppies and kittens and pretty young women are a dime a dozen. Those aren't the winning photographs. Besides, nowadays you can't take photos of half naked children without feeling that they're going to be exploited somehow. I would be very uncomfortable placing them. Equally with shots of alluring young women. Why do we need them anyway, if not to draw the male viewer in with promises of sensuality? Those are not the photographs that are appealing to me and I'm certainly not going to download them, although some of them are quite beautiful. There's so much you don't want to do in this day and age. We're past the age of innocence.

Oh, I'm moralizing, aren't I? Well, I will get off my soap box and get back down to street level where I belong. I certainly can't dictate good taste, although I think everyone should have it. I do realize it develops depending on your circumstances and what you are exposed to. I know that when I lived a middle class life, my tastes were much more pedestrian, although they were slightly more enlightened then your average housewife. I was not as evolved as I am now and who's to say that I am all that evolved now compared to other more enlightened human beings? I may still be very limited in my points of view and be unaware of a whole lot of observations on life that I've not been exposed to. I try my best, though, to stay open and aware.

Well, having wasted a good portion of the day, I will draw an end to this epistle and see if I can do some other things instead. Packaging books may be a useful thing to do. It's always a lot of work and it will keep me busy for a while. I hope I don't run out of steam halfway through. I must finish it all at once.

Have a good day you all. 't Is the weekend before Christmas and no doubt you're all busy getting ready for that. Don't forget to take a breather every now and then.

Ciao,
Nora