Behaving myself...

I'm to the point now that I can't imagine living with other people. I'm so set in my ways and so used to solitude and silence that it would bother me to give it up. I find the greatest peace and quiet in my own company and I can only stand to share my space with the animals. Having other people around for any length of time would definitely cramp my style.

This maybe makes me sound like a misanthrope, but I'm not an unkind person. I'm easy to get along with as long as I don't have to have a real close relationship with anybody. I do keep a certain amount of distance always. I don't want anyone to sit on top of me emotionally. I'm uncomfortable if a relationship becomes too close. I need lots of breathing space and to feel free. 

Time by myself is what I treasure most. If I fill that with nothing but sitting in my armchair and enjoying the sound of silence, then that's all the better. It's what gives me the peaceful feeling. I realize now that I can't live with anyone else. It's my own company that I enjoy the most. 

I've had a most pleasant day, but I can't say that I've done anything specific with it. What I do know is that the overall feeling was one of peacefulness and that's the most important thing. At not one point did I feel stressed. If I can achieve that, I feel very lucky indeed and whatever the magic formula is, I want to keep applying it. I want to repeat this kind of a day as many times as I can.

I don't think I want another person in my life to complicate that. It's much easier to work out the magic ingredients if you are on your own. It's fairly smple to calculate in a dog and a cat. That's not a problem. Besides, they provide the necessary humor and love. And I do know that another person would bring out the worst in me, at least the person I would end up with. I haven't been able to pick the right one yet. 

So it's with a feeling of satisfaction that I look forward to the end of the day. I can rest easily and be content. It was a day to be happy about. Not all days go that well, but it's what I strive for and I'm very glad when I succeed. 

Ciao,
Irene

Friday afternoon...

I just woke up from a big old nap and I think I'm in a good enough mood now to try and write a post. I've been seriously lacking in good humor and whatever post I tried to write I had to delete because I was not happy with it. It think it is very possible that I was just plain grumpy all this time and that nothing at all made me happy. It's good to own up to this and to not beat around the bush. When grumpy, admit that you are. It's the easiest way to get back to feeling normal.

Well, I'm glad I got that settled. Everything in life should be that easy. It is when you only have yourself to deal with. It's another story all together when you have to take other people into the equation. Not that I'm having a particular problem with anyone. It's just a general sort of observation I'm making. 

Today is the 12th day since I stopped smoking and I'm still going strong. I still feel the urge to smoke now and then but it's getting decidedly less. I haven't climbed any walls yet. It's gone amazingly easy, I think. Those nicotine patches are wonderful and have really saved my life. I'm sure I would not be doing as well without them. Tomorrow I start on a lesser dose. I will be curious to see if my body is going to notice the difference. I don't really expect any problems. 

It has just started to snow outside. On the news earlier today they said it would and to expect a lot. I still have to walk the dog and I will be taking him out shortly. He loves the snow but show me a dog that doesn't. He pushes his nose into it as far as it will go and breathes deeply. He's like a hippo underwater.

I suppose I should be happy that it's Friday again. I am somewhat. I hope the weekend is going to be interesting enough. I have the feeling that I will be taking lots of naps unless something unexpected happens. Naps always save my life. That and good television. 

Have a good weekend yourselves.

Ciao,

Nora

The soul wants something too...

I'm drinking a cup of coffee and am slowly becoming coherent, although that makes it sound as if I was maybe comatose when I got up and I wasn't. I was actually quite perky, but for writing a blog post I have to be on my toes. That's what I think anyway because I want to be engaging, although I usually find that incredibly difficult. I think when it comes to sounding fascinating, I usually fall flat on my face. I take myself much too seriously for that. 

This will be my effort to see and address the lighter side of things, although I don't know if I will pull it off. It's tough to become suddenly lighthearted when you are always so very literally and stick to the serious side of the subject. Sometimes I try to write with irony, but I don't think that comes across at all. It falls flat on its face also. I have a tendency to forget to see the humorous side of things, although I don't lack a sense of humor. I'm big on slapstick and farce. 

Already I'm bogged down in seriously analyzing my tendency to see the seious side of things and that while I said I wouldn't. You see, it's in the nature of the beast. I must immediately cease and desist and enter the lighthearted zone.

Yesterday evening I ordered a new cardigan on line that will go with a few dresses that I have that I would otherwise not get to wear. I suddenly remembered their existence and realized that what I needed was something warm and fashionable to wear over them in a complimentary color. This cardigan is made of fine wool and is knee length and open in the front so it shows the dresses. It's a creamy vanilla color which matches some of the color in the dresses.

I got it on sale for hardly any money at all and I counted my good luck. It must be that time of year for them to be priced low. It might also have been a matter of good timing and I just started looking at the right moment when this particular one was on sale. It will be delivered in the morning and I will see if I made a good choice. I assume I did. It will match my boots also. With any luck, I will look like a picture of fashion. 

And, it's like my mother always said: if you run fast, nobody motices the difference. 

I went on the bathroom scale, although it was not the right time to weigh myself, and saw that I only had two kilos to lose. That will be even less in the morning because it always is. Losing that little weight is not much of a problem. It's  4.4 lbs. That does give me lots of hope. 

I reapplied my nail polish to those nails that needed it last night. Some of them had become chipped already. I didn't want to have to redo all of them so I did the ones that were in bad shape. When I get the chance, I will sit down and do all of them over again. I must try a better nail polish. Something that really stays on for a long time and that doesn't chip no matter what you do with it. There must be some like it. I don't believe the industry hasn't come up with it yet. Or they must not be willing to sell it for fear of falling sales. 

Maybe there will be some nail polish in my Glossy Box and I hope for a good lipstick also. The ones I have don't stay on very well. At least not when I drink a beverage, but that may be the problem with all of them. Maybe you're not supposed to drink anything with lipstick on. Yesterday I forgot to put any on and every tiome I thought of it, it was the wrong moment. It does get discouraging if you have to keep reapplying it. You see your lipstick dwindling as you use it. 

I do like this business of being female and already look forward to the morning when I can mess around with my make up again. The face wash I use is very good for my skin and leaves it relatively soft. It does a good job of getting my make up off. Applying my mascara is a job and a half because I don't have the eyelashes I used to have and it takes a bit of effort to make them look full. I also poke myself in the eye. The night creme I was using is making my eyes water so I've stopped using it. I'll have to use the baby lotion again.

Maybe there will be a good creme in the Glossy Box. I do have high expectations of it, don't I? Since I will be getting one once a month, I'm bound to run into something good sooner or later. All I have to do is be patient and I'm good at that. I'll use what I already have in the meantime. 

There's nothing special on the program today. There will be a few chores to do and cultural TV to watch so I will get my fill of that. I do need to have my intellect stomulated. My soul can't be barren. It does seem like I concern myself with only my make up and my clothes right now, but they are just the things that bring me comfort. The rest of me also needs to get fed. 

I hope you'll all have a great weekend. I'm going in search of my bed again. I have some hours to sleep until morning. First I've got to drink a glass of ice cold milk to make me burp. I have to have some sound effects. 

Ciao,

Nora

Better get it straight from the beginning...

It's ever so pleasant to sit here with my cup of coffee in the middle of the night and to think that I'm the only person up in a radius of one kilometer. It's very necessary that I pretend that, otherwise I would not nearly feel the amount of freedom that I do now. I assume that anyone who is up, is also doing so quietly and reverentially in honor of the hour and the solemness of the darkness. He or she must be a fellow nighttime worshiper.

I'm making this statement with some amount of irony, in case that was not obvious. I'm really making fun of myself. I do have a tendency to take these nighttime sessions when I'm supposed to be asleep very seriously and give them more importance than they deserve. I need to lighten up about them and think of them in more humoristic terms. They are not as holy as I make them out to be. As a matter of fact, they are merely times out in my quest for sleep. 

I've switched from coffee to ice cold milk and the drinking of it will change my general attitude. The coldness always works on my frontal lobes. I think that's where the regulation of your emotions is. I probably freeze them and they go into shock. A general sort of malaise and giddiness comes over me. Of course, it all could be in my imagination, although I'm generally well grounded and not given to flights of fancy. At least, that's my own personal impression of myself.

It's with some amount of pleasure that I sit here because today is Friday and that means that it's almost the weekend which still is the part of the week that I enjoy the most and don't ask me why. It just is so.Today the Exfactor will be here and the domestic help and the day will go by quickly. At the end I will have groceries and a clean apartment and what better way to start the weekend? It's the little things like this that are so important to me. 

I'm going to wear something completely different today. Clothes that have just come out of the laundry and that I've looked forward to wearing. I love wearing freshly washed clothes and always feel like a new person in them. This outfit is especially good because it's almost brand new and hardly worn. The newness of it is still exciting. I can get so into my clothes at times, but I'm glad that I still care enough. It's when I stop caring that I'll start to worry. 

I've got to go back to bed. I need to get the rest of my sleep before the Exfactor shows up in the morning. I must get showered and dressed before he gets here. That's quite a feat. I don't know if I'll make it. I'm on the slow side in the morning and can't be rushed. I do need to sit in my bathrobe for a while and drink some coffee. 

I hope you'll all have a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora

Sorting my marbles...

Today I found myself in something which resembled a depression and I couldn't believe it because, after all, I had taken all my pills at the right time and made sure I got enough sleep. I tried very hard to feel more cheerful and to put a bounce in my step, but it was all to no avail, so this afternoon I lied down for another nap. 

When I woke up, I thought things might be different, but they weren't and all the while what was nagging at the back of my mind were the changes I had made to my blogs and that I was really uncomfortable with. I had tried to push these thoughts away, but apparently they were bothering me more than I was giving them credit for. 

I took my medicines and made a pot of coffee and turned on the computer. I had a good look at those blogs and the layouts and could see that they were hopelessly inadequate. I had wanted them too badly and had not considered the practicality of them. I had taken a wrong turn simply because I had discovered something new and it was for free and I could apply it. 

Undoing everything and getting the blogs back to a more normal and practical look didn't take all that long. Blogger is very user friendly that way and very forgiving. It remembers everything you thought you had deleted.

I have to say that I feel a bit better now. I feel that I've saved myself from a terrible fate and that is of losing all my readers because the layouts were so bad and hard to read. But I think it's also the coffee and the medicines and the nap that have done their share to make me feel better. It's a combination of everything, most likely. 

Hopefully, I'll start looking at my world through rose colored glasses again like I was lately. It certainly was a friendlier place, although I suppose that you can't have equally happy days all the time. 

I frankly do count on that and am always very disappointed if my days aren't. I get very discouraged and take it as a bad sign. I think that I haven't had enough happy days yet in my lifetime. I haven't accumulated enough to have enough experience with them and to know they will always return. 

I think I'm in too contemplative a mood. I must get over it. I've got to go find my sense of humor somewhere. I've got to go find the unbearable lightness of being. 

Ciao
Nora

Thank goodness for small favors.

I had decided that I was too addicted to caffeine. That the state of my mind during the day (and the nights) was too much dependent on whether or not I'd had my cups of coffee. I was determined to so something about this because I decided that this was a bad thing, so overnight I stopped drinking coffee. 

This morning, when I woke up, I made myself a pot of green tea with lemon and was very sure that I wasn't going to miss the caffeine one bit. I drank the tea and it tasted nice, but it didn't do a thing for me. I had to wake up under my own powers. Luckily, I wasn't too grumpy or it would have been an awful ordeal. 

The Exfactor arrived and he drank some tea with me, but he had obviously been looking forward to a cup of coffee because the disappointment could be read on his face when I said I only had tea ready.

After he left, I made rooibos tea, but I was pretty sleepy headed. I had to try to stay alert because I was waiting for the domestic help to get here, but as soon as she left, I went to bed for a much needed nap. 

When I woke up a few hours later, I decided to make some coffee anyway because I realized I was trying to do things in the toughest way possible. I was going from one extreme to another, drinking a lot of coffee to not drinking any coffee at all and nothing in between. The way I always have a tendency to do things. 

I've had two cups of coffee and I must say that I feel a lot better now. I wasn't especially foul mooded before, but I wasn't perky either and now I'm in a good mood and alert. I know it's from the caffeine, but I'd hate to think how I would feel otherwise. I would most likely be like a damp dishrag, all limp and wrung out.

So, I suppose I'm going to be drinking coffee sometimes and tea at other times. I don't know how that will work out and what the ratio will be, but I will experiment with that. The trick is to drink less coffee than I was before. I should be able to manage that.

I'm so glad that I don't have to do without coffee completely. It was like a doomsday scenario. I thought it was like a punishment that I had inflicted upon myself and that I had to stick to no matter what. That's the black and white thinking I was caught up in. Real autistic thinking. I was taking things too seriously.

I'm always taking things too seriously and failing to see the humor in them. That's because I always take everything literally. It's a small flaw in my character. 

Have a good Friday and enjoy your weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora

What I did with my Sunday...

I finally did manage to get to bed some time early in the morning after having been up all night amusing myself behind the computer and thinking I would never go to sleep. I need not have despaired, though, because when I was finally in bed I slept like a rock in a hidden meadow.

I do vaguely remember getting up once to let Tyke out, but I didn't really wake up properly to do this. With half closed eyes I made it to the back door and back to my bed and went on sleeping until some time in the afternoon. Tyke slept on the bed with me and was very cooperative. I couldn't ask for a better dog.

I made myself a half a pot of coffee when I got up and soon was completely back to my senses. I felt pretty darn good and ready to enjoy what was left of the day. So was Tyke and we wrestled and played together and I made him speak. He thought it was funny that I barked and he did bark in return, but sometimes he gazes at me with a puzzled look and his head held to one side as if he doesn't quite believe what he's seeing. I do so appreciate a dog with a sense of humor. I do have to get my timing right.

It's been raining all afternoon, but you all know how much I like that and I think it's very cozy. It makes me feel very sheltered and safe inside the apartment. It is dark in here, but that's why I have the light in the corner of the living room turned on. Tyke is sitting in front of the window enjoying the view. It's now become a habit that he sits there and it's another way for him to amuse himself. He does very often have to share his space with Gandhi as they both like to sit there.

I haven't gotten out of my pajamas yet and think I won't because it has now become evening and I think I won't be going anywhere. I do very much appreciate a lazy Sunday like this and I'm glad I got to sleep so late. Your brain functions better on a happier plane when it's had enough sleep and you can't fool your body.

I'm not going to turn on my Bright Light Energy Lamp, because I think I've got quite enough energy. I'm afraid it will make me hyper if I do. I think it's too late in the day for it too. It's best turned on in the morning when starting the day. I think I used it too late in the day yesterday and that's why I made it such a late night. I just couldn't come down out of the clouds and settle down to a lower plane.

I still have to look through the top shelf of my closet and see what's up there. It is a hard shelf to get to, because everything tumbles down once you start pulling things out. I also keep my winter sweaters there and it's a cramped space as a result. Maybe I'll find things there that I've forgotten about, but it will definitely be the last place where such things can be. I will have covered every conceivable place where clothes can hide. The fact that I've lost weight makes it interesting to find things, because I never know it those clothes are going to fit me or if I have to put them in the bag with lost causes, so I do have mixed feelings about that.

I still haven't figured out a proper way to store my shoes and my boots. I have the ones I don't wear in a big box and I should go through them and discard the ones I won't ever wear again. The ones I do wear are put away wherever I think they are safe from Tyke. That's wherever I can fit them and that's not very organized. I do know where they all are, but I think I need a better system. I think the most important thing is to get rid of the old ones. I'm sure I can make the recycle shop happy with the ones that are still in good shape. That will be a chore that I will have to apply myself to one of these days. I will plan it in my head first and then carry it out. The same way I finally cleaned up the closet.

It looks like autumn outside and it feels like it too. It is only 13C and even inside it has gotten quite a bit cooler. That's nice, because it has been too warm in here all summer. It's finally gotten down to 21C. It's stormy outside and there's actually a draft in here, which makes it nice and cool. I did have to put on my bathrobe to keep from getting too chilled. There's nothing better than hanging around in your bathrobe. That used to be called cocooning. I think it's gone out of fashion. It's a leftover from the 80's, I think. Having been a yuppie I should know these things. Or rather, having been the wife of one.

I've got to clean the place up a bit for the domestic help tomorrow in case I don't wake up in time in the morning. I can just see myself sleep late again. It was such a nice experience today. I can highly recommend it. I have some chores to do and I will try and do them now. There's no sense in wasting time and I am wide awake again. I have to tire myself out a bit.

Have a nice evening. It's raining buckets here.

Ciao,
Nora

Decisions...

The final decision about Toby was made yesterday. It was a tough one to make and although I was quite sad about it initially, I was relieved this morning that I didn't have to care for and feed his helpless body, which I could have gone on doing indefinitely. That means that I have peace with the decision and that I can live with it. Our little household is back to normal now and the litter box has been cleaned up and put away. Gandhi very casually walks around the apartment and Tyke has stopped obsessively sticking his nose in the paper box where Toby was constantly sleeping. All is well with the world and we are okay. Life continues as before.

The clothes I had ordered got here yesterday late in the afternoon and I tried all of them on immediately. Some of the things fit perfectly, but others didn't at all regardless of the size I had ordered them in, so I repackaged them and arranged for them to be picked up today. There's a lesson to be learned from this and that is that there's a difference in sizing in the different brands and that it is better to stick to the brand that you know well and that you are sure about the size of.

The harem pants that I ordered turned out to be great and I really like them and they fit well. The top that I got to go with it fit well too and it makes for a nice outfit. So I was pleased about that. I'm going to wear it today after I've had my shower this morning. It's so nice to wear clothes that you are happy about and it does wonders for your self esteem. You feel yourself get taller and skinnier, although that is just an illusion, of course. It's very pleasant, nevertheless.

I talked to my SPN about taking everything so seriously and not having enough of a sense of humor and it is really not only because of the fact that Toby was dying. It is a general attitude that I have and that is starting to bother me very much and that I want to get rid of.

We traced it back to a large sense of disillusionment that I carry with me, which prevents me very often from being spontaneously happy. It makes me analyze every situation I find myself in instead of honestly reacting to it with my feelings. I'm afraid to show my feelings and be spontaneous because I'm afraid of being hurt. Being spontaneous and reacting to a situation with your feelings means not hiding behind your walls and exposing yourself. Being vulnerable. And I'm afraid to be it.

I'm now going to practice letting down my guard. Not everywhere and with every person, but when I think it is safe and there are enough situations when it is. I have to practice spontaneity and being open and looking people in the eyes and being present and approachable. It will be a conscious effort that I have to make. Practice makes perfect.

I look forward to going to bed so very much in the evening. I can't wait for it to be a decent enough time to go to sleep and very often it is very early. I decamp with my book and a glass of milk and make myself cozy. I can't stand the thought of staying up any longer and I just hope that nobody calls me once I'm in bed because I won't answer the phone. I slept 8 hours last night, but I'm sure there will be a nap some time later today.

I finished "Careless in Red" and will now start "The Girl Who Played With Fire." I was going to last night, but fell asleep before I could. I hope it is as good as the first book in the series, which I read without reading glasses and had a heck of a time finishing. Now that I have my reading glasses I have a much easier time getting through a book. The Inspector Linley one turned out to be much better than I initially thought it was going to be. At the beginning I didn't enjoy reading it very much and I thought about giving up on it, but tenaciousness kept me at it. I'm glad it did because it turned out to be quite interesting and a satisfying read.

Well, I have to start the morning ritual. It's that time again. First I'll take a nice warm shower because I'm cold. The mornings have been colder lately. We're supposed to have some rain today, but we'll see if that materializes. It will be nice if it does. We still need it.

Have a good day you all.

Ciao,
Nora

Wishful thinking...

Although I wished it very much, I came to realize yesterday that Toby was not at all better. I had put Tyke outside so he would not bother us, and put Toby down in middle of the kitchen floor where he proceeded to fall over and make his stumbling way back to the paper box with much effort. It was painful to see and rather discouraging. He's been in the paper box ever since, except for one clumsy visit to the litter box. So the news is not good.

I thought the Exfactor was going to be here yesterday to take Toby to the vet, but I had misunderstood him and he is going to be here today, which gave Toby a reprieve of one day and me the opportunity to observe him a while longer. I've observed him all I can now and I can only come to one conclusion and that is that he needs to be put out of his misery. I can't keep postponing this. It is selfish if I do.

Anyway, I'm in an undetermined mood and I don't know what to make of it. I hope it is related to Toby's condition and it's outcome and that I'm not about to slide down the slippery slope. I'm not exactly elated right now, but I'm not really depressed either. I'm a little on the morose side and in order to compensate for that, I've ordered more new clothes that I can actually not afford, but thought were necessary to my wardrobe anyway.

I liked my harem pants so much that I've ordered another pair, but in a slightly different style and in a different color. They are very comfortable to wear and I've been enjoying the ones I just bought. They match up with a variety of tops and I can wear them in colder weather too with leggings underneath them.

I ordered some T-shirts with large print on them to go with them and I think I will look rather cool. I did not consider if they were age appropriate, considering myself ageless.

I ordered a summer top and two summer dresses on sale that I can wear with leggings and long sleeve stretch T-shirts underneath when it gets colder. Of course, I can also wear my long sleeved black bolero over them and my short sleeved long black cardigan.

I suppose I get the need for new clothes when I need to make myself feel better and to brighten my day. I'm also more aware of what's in my closet now that I've cleaned it out and I see what is missing from it and what I don't wear anymore and what doesn't really fit of what's left in there. I do get picky about my clothes and I do love my favorite clothes so very much.

There seem to be times of the year when I love new clothes more than other times. I'm already thinking about the fall and the clothes that I will wear then, although I'm not remotely thinking about the winter yet and will not for a while. I will postpone any thoughts of it until the first freeze, probably, although I have already bought that fabulous new scarf for 5 euros. That was a give away. It's so long that I can wrap it around my neck twice. That's my early acknowledgment

to winter.

It's early in the morning and I've been up for hours. Yesterday morning I cleaned up the kitchen and swept the floors. I took a nap on the sofa afterwards. It was very pleasant as I had the TV on for company and would wake up every once in a while to the latest news.

I have to go see my SPN this morning and I'm going to ask her where my sense of humor has gone. I seem to take everything so seriously and don't see the humor in anything. I don't even laugh when I hear a joke. I over analyze everything, even jokes. I get tired of it myself.

Have a good day,

Ciao,
Nora

Early in the morning.

I've had my medicines and my first cup of coffee, so by all rights I should be ready to face the day. The reason I am not, is due to the fact that I haven't had enough sleep and that I'm angry at Tyke, who's generally been making a pain in the butt of himself and required me to be very strict with him, which causes me no small amount of heartache, although I know it's okay to get tough with an animal and that you have to show them the boundaries. All in all it´s not a good start to the day and I can only hope it improves from this point forward. Well, it has to, it can´t get much worse.

I´m trying to draw some comfort from the fact that at least Tyke is responding to me and seems to be duly impressed, but I really have to be very strict and angry and I don´t enjoy it. I see no other way out, though, as being patient and loving has brought no solution. I´m also trying to draw comfort from the fact that soon my pills will be working and things should get a little bit easier. Making a second cup of coffee in just a second is also going to help. It would really help if I stopped yawning now.

I´m trying to see the humor of my situation, you know, the slapstick quality, and if I look hard enough, I do see it there and am ever so slightly amused, though I could be smiling about it a bit brighter. Maybe that will happen later in the day. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon which should be very interesting and after that I have an appointment with my SPN. I don´t think they are going to be looking for the slapstick in my life, though. I see them for the more serious aspects and they need to get looked at too.

Oh, hallelujah, my medicines are working and they should be. It´s been an hour since I took them and I feel the proverbial weight shifting off my shoulders. What a relief that always is. You have no idea how much. It changes my whole outlook on life. Now I feel that everything is in proportion again and that I´m not so snowed under and that I can handle the simple things in life again. Whatever I have claimed about medicines before, ignore it. I wasn´t in my right mind when I stated them.

I keep having to come down on Tyke. One of the things he has to learn is to leave the cat alone when she complains and that it is not a game when she gets defensive. He pesters her to the point of harrassment and it really isn´t funny any more. He doesn´t let up for a single minute and I really have to come to her defense. It´s gone past cute puppy behavior and is now bullying.

I´m trying to keep my whits about me these past 24 hours. I went to bed too late and woke up too early. It was not sensible to go to sleep so late, but I became involved behind the computer, as will happen, doing unimportant things really. I did catch up on all my blog reading and commenting as far as I had anything sensible to say. I don´t know why it is so difficult to go to bed some nights, but I can find ten excuses not to do it, until I´m keeling over from sleep and even then it´s a battle that I´m trying to win. Against whom, you wonder? I´m only hurting myself in the end, but when I´m staying up, I think that it is the most important thing that I can do right then and I talk myself out of going to bed, as if that is a very unattractive place to go to.

Yesterday was actually not a bad day, except that I did nothing else but sit behind the computer, as if I have a fixation, and I have to spend my time within that little encapsulated world. I am completely fascinated with my blog and everything that has to do with it. I want it to be the ultimate blog and be a complete relection of the woman I´ve created to represent me. I´m probaly taking this to an extreme, but it´s something I have to do, to create an alter ego for myself who is taking shape in front of everybody´s eyes, including my own. It´s probably good that I have a psychiatrist and a therapist, otherwise I would need them. I´d have to go out and find them. I´ll have to discuss this aspect of myself with my SPN.

The really funny part is that I hardly know who I am outside of the computer anymore. My whole indentity lies in it and my whole world does. The first thing I do when I get up in the morning is turn the computer on and get involved in it as quickly as possible, before I do anything else, except for make my cup of coffee. I´ve probably taken it to an extreme and completely escaped in it. It might be good if I went to a desert isle for a while and did completely non computerized things for a while. I wonder if that would break me off the habit. Probably not or just temporarily.

I have to take the dog for a walk and then I have to do something useful around here. It will be tough, but I have to make myself do it.

I hope you all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

A funnier one...

Before you do anything, please go to this post that I just wrote, because it explains my feelings about the medications that I take and that's important.

I said I would write a funnier post, because the other one was so serious, and by Jove, I'm going to do my very best or die trying. Well, I will not literally die, of course, but it would be embarrassing not to live up to my promise. I will beat myself with sticks if I don't make it. Not real big sticks, just small branches cut off from the jasmine that's growing in the flowerbed out back. That doesn't hurt very much. I know you don't want me to suffer.

As I sit here at my desk in the late evening, the dog is constantly lying in ambush of the cat, who is not all that dumb and is constantly expecting it and makes a beeline for the dining table every time, leaving the dog very frustrated and looking silly. He comes to complain to me, putting his paws on the keyboard and creating general havoc with my text and I have to be strict with him and chase him away, so that he is rejected by both females in the household. He's just a puppy and having a tough life already. He dejectedly lies down on the ground beside me and gives a very depressed impression, until the cat moves from her perch and the chase starts all over again.

I try to figure out all his different moods, but I assume that most of the time I'm wrong and have no idea about what goes on in his head, except for his happy mood which is unmistakable and as clear as a sunshiny day. I assume he is terribly bored with me because I don't do anything interesting and I don't make loud and cheerful noises and run and jump and act silly like a kid would and he is very fond of kids. I should adopt a kid to keep the dog amused. It's a good thing there's the cat to keep him busy.

I'm just the same middle aged woman that I've been now for 10 years and am planning to stay for quite a while longer as I plan to draw out the aging process as long as I can. Things get droopy, though, and are better covered up with as many clothes as the weather allows. Too bad I can't wear a veil to soften the effect of my face, which is starting to show it's age, though gently so. I'm not complaining too much, but it seems to me that gravity plays too much of a role as we get older and maybe we should spend large portions of our time standing on our heads to counteract it.

If I could afford plastic surgery, I would have work done on my eyes, because that's where gravity is pulling down the heavy eyelids above my eyes, making me look like a Saxon farmer and I have the rosy cheeks to go with it. I would like to have that bright starry eyed look and and have my eyes reappear from the folds of my skin. I also have lines that run from both sides of my nose to the corners of my mouth and which are not at all appealing and now that we are on the subject, I think my lips are disappearing too. Some Botox might be in order and I'm working on a double chin, which I would like to cut off with a fruit knife.

It's not fair that men become more appealing when they get older and we just get old and have to disguise it. I do honestly have to tell you, though, that I don't. As long as I don't have the money for a total make over, I'm letting nature take its course and trying to grow old gracefully, albeit very imperfect. In my more than imperfect way, I've become very laissez faire about my looks, although I try to dress as good as I can, but after that I don't fret about it. It's kind of a relief not to have the guys at building sites whistle at you. I'm much more anonymous to men now and that's okay. It's one of the benefits of being middle aged. Men don't bother you. I don't have to be sexy anymore. Jane Fonda still does. She's in a different category. That's why we don't hang out together.

I figure, when I walk the dog, people see the dog and not necessarily the woman holding the leash, sucking in her stomach and holding her butt tight. I only remember to do that one third of the time anyway, when I pass busy streets and I get self conscious. The rest of the time I let it all hang out as it pleases. The cute little dog ought to be the focus of attention and very often it is, making my presence in the street legitimate. I'm not just a middle aged woman walking the streets aimlessly, I have a mission. All middle aged women should have a dog to pull the attention away from themselves and give them an excuse to be out in the open. Otherwise you have to carry a purse and look like a woman with a purpose and that is hard sometimes.

It's easier if you drive a car. Nobody questions your presence on the road if you drive a car. You are immediately a figure of authority with rights. Try to have authority when you ride a bicycle, no way, no such thing. You're just something that can get run over easily, especially if you're loaded down with groceries. You have to have a big mouth when you ride a bicycle in order to yell at all the people who endanger your life, including suicidal pedestrians who throw themselves in front of your bike right off the sidewalk. If I were a Catholic, I would hang a picture of Our Dear Lord on my handlebars and trust in God. Since I'm agnostic, I can't be sure and feel that I take my life in my own hands every time. Such a dilemma.

The animals have given up the chase for the night and the dog is down for the count on the floor beside me, sound asleep for now. The household has settled down for the long hours of the quietness of the night, my favorite hours in which I find myself the happiest. I would always like to be up for the night, except that convention dictates that I sleep then. Maybe I'm still stuck in the wrong time zone, because I always sleep well when I'm in the States. I might add, though, that I'm always depressed when I'm in the States and happy when I get back home, so there's something about the time difference that influences my moods. Either that, or I just don't like being in the States.

I hope this was enough of a dose of humor attached to some reality. It was stand up comedy, except that I was sitting down and had no microphone. I'm still wide awake and suppose I will be for a while. I will make the best of it and enjoy myself by pestering other people on their blogs.

Ciao,
Nora

All done with that.

I've done chores and I read blogs until I got blog-reading-tiredness and couldn't even leave comments anymore. That's because I was behind on my blog reading and hadn't realized how far behind I really was, so I gave up and I hope that I will be excused by all of you who have not received a sign of my presence to your blog. I may have been there, but have been too overwhelmed mentally to leave behind a sensible comment. You should never do too much of one thing for a long time. It will drive you crazy.

I've just made myself a cup of coffee, because I'm starting to give up the ghost. I am yawning very badly and am in serious need of sleep, but I'm trying to fight it because of the time of day. In another 20 minutes I need to take my medicines and I hope to get my second wind from this cup of coffee. If everything fails, I'll go to bed for a nap, but it can only be a nap. I don't want my body to get the mistaken idea that we're settling down for the night.

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Well, I went to bed and slept for an hour and a half and it was nice. I'm now drinking decaf, but I think I'm going to need a regular cup of coffee to really wake me up. It will be an exception to the rule of not drinking coffee in the evening. I think one of my medicines will need to be adjusted to make me less sleepy during the day, and that will be fine with me, because as far as I'm concerned, I'm still taking too many. I think the anti-psychotic is the culprit, because one of the side effects is that it makes you very sleepy. That's why I've stopped taking them during the day. I was constantly sound asleep on the sofa. The other culprit could be the tranquilizer that I take at a high dosage during the day. I need to start reducing those, but I can't do that on my own. I need to do that in consultation with my psychiatrist.

I very much regret getting on some of these medications. I thought they would help me at the time, but more and more were added and now I'm stuck with the consequences of trying to get off them. And they all have side effects. I would not recommend to anybody that they get on some of these medicines. I think they are dangerous and unhealthy and the pharmaceutical industry is pushing doctors to prescribe them. There's supposed to be a pill to fix everything, but sometimes the cure is worse than the symptom and medicines get misused. Heavy duty medicines get prescribed when something lighter might have worked too. I have to get off some of these drugs before it's too late. I want to keep my antidepressant and my mood stabilizer and that's it. All the rest can go.

Well, now you know the true feelings I have about the drugs I take. I'm not such a blind believer in them. I shouldn't be on most of them and I'm on my third psychiatrist and they all inherit me with the drugs. Oh yeah, I forgot about the sleeping pill.

On to other things. My body has been tricked by the decaf and thinks it has had a real cup of coffee. Isn't that funny? I'm going to have another one. Maybe they should give me placebo pills instead of the real ones and they will work because of my believe in them.

I'm going to try and read a book in bed tonight and hope I have enough sense to put the book and the reading glasses away before I fall asleep. I haven't read anything for such a long time and I really miss it. Tyke will have to be on his best behavior if I mess it up.

I'm going to get ready for bed, I think, although it's not that late and tomorrow is Saturday. There is no humor in this post and that bothers me. I should write another funnier post now immediately, but I don't know if there is anybody funny home. I could have a look.

Have a good evening, or a good night, whichever applies to you.

Ciao,
Nora

A new haircut...

I just got my hair cut and I suppose it's okay, but it's shorter that it was the last time and I have to get used to it, and to the way it is fixed, and I dare not look into the mirror for fear that I will not like it. I've avoided both the bathroom mirror and the hallway mirror so far and I'm planning on avoiding the closet mirror too for a while longer, anyway, and then I have to decide which one I am going to look in first. Of course, the one that's most flattering, and I think that's the bathroom mirror. I will carefully sneak up on it and take it by surprise and look into it when it least expects it.

I've been feeling a bit anxious all day and in the morning my eczema was acting up quite a bit and I had to scratch a lot. I get that often when I'm nervous. I did nonsense things that didn't do anybody any good at all on the computer and basically wasted my time and at 1 pm I realized that I forgot to take my medicines in the morning, so I took them all then and sat down by the dining table to wait for them to work.

After about half an hour I made a shopping list and went to the supermarket, where I spend a cool 15 minutes inside getting the things I needed. Outside it was warm and humid and it made me sweat something awful. After I had loaded up all my bags, I went to the tobacconist, who's little shop was stifling hot and where I luckily only had to be about 3 minutes before I bicycled home.

When I got there, and hauled my bike inside, the dog barked at me while I unloaded the groceries. I don't know why, it is a new thing he does, as if he is telling me a story about how happy he is to see me home again and what the cats did while I was gone. He didn't want to eat, I tried that, and he went to sleep as soon as I sat down to drink a glass of juice.

I ate some Camembert, but had to stop and save the rest, because it was too much for me to finish. It did taste delicious, though, and then my sister called me and told me, in the course of the conversation, that her least favorite cheeses were Brie and Camembert. Isn't that funny? Those are the ones I like so much. Actually, I like all cheese. I don't think there's one I say no to. Is there? I'll even eat processed cheese on a hamburger, when I still ate those, and macaroni and cheese from a box.

Anyway, I was feeling a bit anxious and I keep having that feeling and I wonder if it is finally from having quit taking the tranquilizers. I've tried to talk myself out of it, but find it impossible to do, as if I'm not quite in control of it, though when I'm really occupied, I don't feel it so much and it is practically gone. I find that I can really focus when I'm behind the computer typing and doing mundane things such as making lists and inventories of my books. Things that require dogged concentration and ability and stick-with-it-ness. I reality I'm a very dull person who likes dull jobs.

I'm supposed to walk the dog one more time, but he's very merrily snoring at my feet and I'm waiting for it to cool off a bit before I go outside. Itś so muggy and it wouldn't surprise me if there were rain coming, but I don't have my little forecast bar anymore. I don't know where it went. It disappeared into the ether. Just like single socks. To the dimension where multiplying clothes hangers come from. You lose some and you receive some.

I have an unending supply (it seems) of plastic clothes hangers on the bottom of my closet and when I try to pull one out, they all grab each other by the neck and become a tangled mess, just like their wire relatives. I don't know how I got to be in possession of so many, but I think they are mating in the dark, and sometimes when the door creaks open, I know it's from the ruckus of the mating hangers. There's no other explanation.

Every once in a while I put up my hands to feel my hair. I know I will love it in the morning when I get up and I won't have to do a thing to it. The hairdresser put wax in it and spray on it that both smell like candy or strawberry jam, whichever you prefer it. It smells very good and she says she never gets tired of it.

There was a woman after me, who had come to get her hair cut, who had washed her own hair at home. Isn't that silly? For me that's part of the treat, having your hair washed by somebody else. The hairdresser does it so gently and thoroughly and the water is always the right temperature, I just love it. She washes all that awful wax and hairspray out that I've put in and on, in an effort to get my hair to stay in place, because it really was too long to fix it properly anymore. And that day sneaks up on you before you know it. One day your hair is fine and the next day it is not and nothing will help it. How lovely it is to go to the hair dresser.

I should be a walking advertisement for cheese and hairdressers and...well, for what else? For the local dog pound where I got Jesker. And for the supermarket and for the tobacconist and for bicycle repairmen. I should have ads put on my bike. Rent A Space!

The church bells are ringing and it is 7:15 pm. I just want to call your attention to it. Why are they ringing at this time on a Thursday?

Okay, that's all I wrote. I have to wake my snoring dog now and walk him.

Have a good evening!

Ciao...